Argus Hamilton's column for 4-22-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

The Palm Beach Polo Club lost twenty-one thoroughbred ponies to an undiagnosed illness Sunday. They dropped dead just before a match. It's more evidence that the Obama agenda doesn't just apply to the rich, it also covers the horse they rode in on.

Miss California lost the Miss USA Pageant Sunday after a gay judge didn't like her opposition to same-sex marriage. It sparked debate. When it comes to this issue, thoughtful Americans can disagree, but what does that have to do with Miss California?

Los Angeles had one-hundred-degree heat Monday as Santa Ana winds arrived from the Imperial Desert two months early. It's baking. The ideal fire conditions got here early in case the Lakers don't make it out of the first round of the NBA playoffs.

Susan Boyle became a superstar singing on Britain's Got Talent. She showed the world if you have talent, decency and values, then looks aren't important. The next day Beverly Hills plastic surgeons were offering talent, decency, and values implants.

The FDA learned Monday there are two hundred sixty tons of pharmaceutical drugs dumped in America's drinking water every year. No one was surprised. You knew we had a problem when terror suspects emerged from waterboarding asking for another toke.

The White House released old memos authorizing terrorists to be tortured with garden insects. It worked. The worst part is we didn't have to invade Afghanistan and Iraq, it turns out we could have defeated al-Qaeda with a really scary Terminix commercial.

Somali pirate chief Abduhl Wal-i-Musi was flown to New York in custody Monday after the Navy captured him. It's not just a legal problem. It's very embarrassing for our first African-American president to be bringing Africans to America in chains.

The White House released photos of the First Family's new dog Bo frolicking on the South Lawn Friday. It's easy for him to get outside. Ten years ago Hillary Clinton had a doggie door installed in the White House kitchen so Bill could come and go at night.

Iran's president called Israel a racist regime at a U.N. Racism Conference Monday in Geneva. The anti-Semites are on a roll this week. Iran denounced Israel, Monday was Hitler's birthday, and the word's out that Mel Gibson is about to be single again.

Hugo Chavez gave Barack Obama a book in Spanish that he can't read at the Summit of the Americas, right after Barack Obama gave Gordon Brown movie DVDs that don't work in British DVD players. It's a diplomatic incident per week. Ever since the department stores laid off their personal shoppers, world leaders have had to fend for themselves.

President Obama said Saturday the U.S. was about to change its relationship with Cuba. He has his reasons. Conservatives have been complaining that Barack Obama is a Manchurian candidate, but it turns out he's a secret scout for the Chicago White Sox.

China exported condoms Monday that show pictures on the condom packets of Stalin, Hitler and Mao's faces on the heads of sperm. It's a message in every language. The greatest threats to freedom in world history are Stalin, Hitler, Mao and pregnancy.

The Minnesota Supreme Court agreed Monday to hear an appeal from Norm Coleman of a lower court ruling that Al Franken won the U.S. Senate election, unresolved since last November. The court has no choice but to hear the appeal. The warning says if you experience an election lasting more than four months, see a doctor immediately.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio