Argus Hamilton's column for 4-2-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

The NCAA basketball tournament ends up this weekend in Michigan's Ford Field in Detroit. The president made his prediction for the Final Four. By next week the only ones left standing will be Fiat, Prius, Volt and the Austin Mini Cooper.

N.Y. Giants star Plaxico Burress faced handgun possession charges Tuesday in New York. The gun went off in his pants as he hurried up the stairs of a nightclub. No one's buying his story that his mother-in-law was dying on the second floor of the disco.

Tiger Woods roared back from five strokes behind to win at Bay Hill Sunday. He played without pain after reconstructive knee surgery and won. President Obama called Tiger's knee surgeon after the tournament and asked if he does auto industries.

Pope Benedict was honored with an African tribal dance in Rome Sunday in honor of his opposition to condom use. The pope said using condoms helps to spread AIDS. You are not supposed to use them to carry blood transfusions from village to village.

Hillary Clinton blamed America's illegal drug habit for Mexico border violence Friday. Let's watch the fun. If her anti-drug campaign is as successful as her health care program was, within two years drugs will be legal and Congress will be Republican.

The American College of Cardiology said Tuesday that NFL fans are so rabid that a team losing the Super Bowl risks giving fatal heart attacks to its fans. Not so fast. The study wasn't adjusted for the pork rinds and empty beer bottles and couches where the heart attacks occurred.

Dexter starring Michael C. Hall became an iPhone game Monday in which the idea is to butcher someone while the audience roots for you. Dexter only murders villains. When you download the game you have to specify whether you are Democrat or Republican.

Secretary of Defense Robert Gates said Sunday there are no plans to shoot down North Korea's soon-to-be-launched missile. All the U.S. states it could reach voted for Obama. Every day, the GOP's prospects for the next presidential election look a little brighter.

President Obama flew off to the London economic conference Tuesday. He brought five hundred Americans along with him on the trip. Barack Obama didn't stop at returning the bust of Churchill to England, now he is returning the white businessmen.

President Obama promised GM workers Monday that he would not let them lose their jobs. He's expected to put union leaders and environmentalists on the GM board. The plan is to save the company by retooling three plants to manufacture picket signs.

President Obama fired GM CEO Rick Wagoner Monday for favoring trucks and SUVs over hybrid compacts. It's insane. The U.S. crushed Japan sixty-four years ago using huge Pratt and Whitney engines, and apparently we learned nothing from the experience.

Chinese TV women's show host Yang Lan signed with Creative Artists Agency in Beverly Hills Monday. She was educated at Columbia and has two hundred million viewers daily in China. She got her start as host of the country's favorite game show, Tiananmen Squares.

George W. Bush signed a four million dollar book deal last week to write his memoirs about his time in the White House. He's going on the road with Mikhail Gorbachev. They're going to do a comedy act called the Last Communist President of the Soviet Union and the Last Capitalist President of the United States.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio