Argus Hamilton's column for 4-19-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

The New York Yankees christened Yankee Stadium Thursday and its seven-thousand-dollar seats. The millionaire tax has driven all the rich people out of New York. The only way they could fill the stadium is by papering the house with Somali pirates.

Captain Richard Phillips flew home to Vermont Friday after he was rescued from Somali pirates killed at sea by U.S. Navy Seals snipers. It was exhilarating. The three snipers are so popular that American Idol wants to use them as judges next year.

The Liberty Sun cargo vessel withstood a pirate attack off Somalia Tuesday. The crew hid out passively inside the engine room. There's a simple solution to the piracy problem, but the president is understandably reluctant to equip each ship with a rifle and a Southerner.

President Obama apologized in Mexico Thursday for America's heavy-handedness in Latin America over the years. Two weeks ago he apologized in Europe for America's arrogance over the years. History will show that Barack Obama assassinated three Somali pirates after his pollster warned him it was the only way to avoid impeachment.

Colombian authorities arrested top cocaine cartel chieftain Don Mario in Caracas Wednesday after the drug kingpin put a bounty on cops. This shows you how lucrative the drug trade is. Only drug lords can afford to buy brand name paper towels.

Governor Rick Perry said Wednesday that Texas could legally secede from America. The idea is spreading. Texans are furious over Barack Obama's speech in Turkey when he listed the world's three great religions and he didn't include high school football.

The Vatican blocked Caroline Kennedy's bid to be U.S. ambassador to the Vatican. Her Uncle Teddy was baptized by Pope Pius, Grandpa Joe was a papal knight, and her dad Jack was our only Catholic president. It gives you an idea of how much the Vatican hates women.

Baghdad reported a huge jump in car sales due to prosperous times Friday. Iraq is the third country after Japan and Germany to lose a war to the U.S., then bask in riches. Vietnam sealed its fate as a forgotten backwater by winning the Vietnam War.

President Obama introduced his new pet dog Bo at the White House Tuesday. They don't get along. The puppy worked hard all day digging up a bone and the president made him spread the wealth and share the bone with a less industrious dog across town.

New York City police reported Monday that three customers in a Queens grocery store bought peppers with bags of cocaine in them. It caused a lot of fuss. This time last year, no one in New York City would have noticed being charged ten thousand dollars for a pound of hot peppers but nowadays Americans are watching every penny.

Homeland Security chief Janet Napolitano said Iraq War vets were ripe pickings for right-wing extremist groups when they come home. She had to apologize. There was a time in this country when Elvis Presley's haircut made him a GI, not a skinhead.

Spain's justice minister announced Thursday that Spain won't prosecute the Bush administration for torturing detainees at Guantanamo under international law. The country which devised the Inquisition gave us the thumbs-up on our interrogation methods. It's like being told by the Sham Wow guy that you have a real flare for sales.

The Titanic Memorial Cruise was scheduled Friday to sail from England for New York three years from now, on the one hundredth anniversary of the ill-fated voyage. The luxury ocean liner Balmoral will re-trace the route of the Titanic. For anyone who didn't see the bottom of the ocean during the financial crisis, this is your chance.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio