Argus Hamilton's column for 4-17-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

President Obama took his family to St. John's Episcopal Church in Washington D.C. for Easter Sunday. Where he'd attend church was the subject of much debate and prognostication. NFL draft expert Mel Kiper Jr. had him going no higher than Methodist.

The Dallas Cowboys were scheduled Thursday to christen the new Cowboys Stadium against the New York Giants in September. It has a retractable roof. It opens during the fourth quarter so God can see that the team is really trying to beat the point spread.

The New York Mets were ordered to sell Bernard Madoff's season tickets at Citi Field. He pre-bought great seats he could use to reel in new investors so he could pay off old investors, but everything collapsed in late September. The Mets understand.

The Los Angeles Dodgers drew their biggest opening game crowd in history Tuesday on a day when local tradition reigned supreme. The Stealth bomber arrived late for its pre-game flyover. Nobody gets to Dodger Stadium until the third inning.

The EPA convened a National Bed Bug Summit this week to investigate infestations that are spreading from hotel bed to hotel bed. There'll be a new round of tea parties next week. The only reason you elect Democrats is so there won't be an investigation into what's going on in your bed.

Boston Tea Parties broke out nationwide Wednesday based on the original Boston Tea Party that led to independence. Think of the money it saved England. Losing the colonies was like divorcing a gorgeous lady who has a brother with a gambling problem.

Homeland Security targeted conservative groups as extremists Wednesday as they surveilled the tea parties. The anti-tax, anti-debt, anti-spending protesters were livid at the news. It stirred up such a hornets' nest that the White House had to say that while it may be at war with Baptist terrorists, it has the greatest respect for Baptism.

Homeland Security angered conservatives by advising police to monitor pro-gun, anti-tax, anti-immigration and anti-big spending groups as right-wing extremists. This should be easy. The suspects were last seen on every denomination and coin of United States currency.

China News Agency showed photos of Chinese cargo ships in the Indian Ocean being shielded from Somali pirates by leaping dolphins. It made for a cute picture. Since then the pirates have learned to ignore the dolphins, it's the seals that'll kill you.

U.S. Navy Seals snipers shot three Somali pirates in the head Sunday to free a hostage. The pirates got cocky. They said Saturday they weren't afraid of America and the very next day the Pirates lost the first triple-header in the history of the game.

President Obama was questioned by civil rights groups Monday for assassinating three Somali pirates. He did the right thing. When you consider the cash hauls the pirates were getting and their belief in no government, they were trending Republican anyway.

Al Sharpton defended the Somali pirates and called them the volunteer Somali coast guard. It's no surprise. Last year the pirates gave Al Sharpton ten thousand dollars and an honorary degree to speak at their coast guard academy graduation ceremony.

Lehman Brothers reported to creditors Wednesday it owns a half-million pounds of yellowcake uranium. It's enough for a nuclear bomb. When President Bush said last September that Lehman Brothers had to be toppled because they had weapons of mass destruction, everybody thought he was talking about their mortgaged-backed securities.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio