Argus Hamilton's column for 4-16-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

The U.S. Navy sailed to Africa Thursday to guard commercial ships. They all know the risks. Disneyland just opened a ride called Pirates of the Somali Coast, you get in the boat and go around in circles until your insurance company pays the ransom.

GM showcased a two-wheel electric vehicle called the Puma last week. It's too fast for the sidewalks and too slow for the streets and has no safety features at all. It didn't take Congress two weeks to design their first car for General Motors.

The New York Daily News said Tuesday that Barack Obama is risking overexposure by speaking too often in public. It's an old habit. The people of Chicago first heard Barack Obama speak for forty-five minutes, it was in a theater during the movie.

Boston Tea Parties were held Wednesday in protest of the bailouts of banks and car makers and homeowners. Nobody actually threw tea into the water. Nothing about this economic situation will be improved by creating a race of hyper-caffeinated fish.

The FBI said cyber spies planted electronic bombs that could destroy the power grid. All computers in America would be on battery power. It would give everyone only two hours to go inside the chat room and say good-bye to their favorite porn star.

Fidel Castro met with the Congressional Black Caucus in Havana last week. The U.S. lawmakers said America should copy Cuba's agricultural system. If a Republican praised sugar and tobacco plantations whose workers weren't allowed to leave, his career would be over.

Rush Limbaugh left New York due to its new state millionaire tax and resulting audits, although he only works there two weeks a year. It began a stampede. The New York Yankees could kick themselves for not building their new stadium in Liechtenstein.

North Korean leader Kim Jong Il declared a national holiday in North Korea last week to celebrate his missile launch. He's especially proud of its accuracy. The missile flew almost two thousand miles and hit its intended target, the Pacific Ocean.

Somali pirates hijacked an American cargo ship in the Indian Ocean on Thursday but they were overwhelmed by the U.S. crew. The shipper was insured against seizure by pirates. If GM had only thought to buy this policy, the CEO would still have a job.

Jeb Bush began giving political interviews last weekend, spurring rumors he may run for president. Conservatives were overjoyed on talk radio. Conservatives are like alcoholics in their persistent delusion that the next Bush, it's going to be different.

Education Secretary Arne Duncan said Wednesday American schoolchildren need to be in class six days a week, eleven months a year. This is one idea that didn't come from the pollsters. If the Democrats push this through, the Republicans will be able to run for office for the next three generations as the party of summer vacation.

The White House was reported Tuesday weighing radical options to combat global warming, including the idea of shooting pollution particles into the atmosphere to reflect the sun's rays. Why go to all that trouble? If the Democrats want pollution in the earth's atmosphere, why can't we just go back to doing what we were doing before?

The Justice Department argued in a lawsuit brought by AT&T customers Wednesday that the Patriot Act gave the feds immunity to conduct domestic spying with wiretaps. They're probably spying on Democrats if they want to hear anything juicy. If you spy on the Republicans all you hear is who's out and who's hitting a Titleist Red.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio