Argus Hamilton's column for 4-15-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

The Treasury Department predicted better-than-expected tax revenues Sunday when tax returns arrive this week. Their optimism is based on the recent uptick in the economy. Today is National Tax Day, or as the Obama Cabinet calls it, Casual Citizenship Day.

President Obama told the Turkish people he wants to form a partnership between the U.S. and the Muslim world. He declared that Islam has done much to shape his own country. For instance, it used to be a little taller in New York than it is right now.

GM teamed up with Segway Monday to build a motorized two-wheeled car that runs on electricity and is equipped with GPS. The two wheels are for maneuverability, the battery is for energy efficiencies, and the GPS is for notification of next of kin.

The FAA hid data about bird damage to airliners Monday after environmentalists feared it would destroy bird habitats near airports. The way they look at it, birds are our predators in nature. And all this time we've been going after Catholic priests.

Tyra Banks got Bristol Palin's boyfriend Levi Johnston to discuss sex details of their love life in the Alaska governor's home. It was a sad spectacle. By the end of the show the only person in Alaska who's still innocent was Senator Ted Stevens.

Detroit began printing its own paper money called Detroit Cheer Monday. Why do it? The U.S. dollar is backed by the full faith and credit of the United States, at best you might get somebody to take it and at worst, it still makes a good coke straw.

Fox News reported on Tuesday how some housewives are moonlighting as strippers due to the economy. Many of their families have no idea. The kids are never going to find out about it until their moms show up to pay their college tuition in singles.

North Korea launched a missile last week but once again failed to get a satellite into orbit. The missile flew two thousand miles before falling harmlessly in the ocean. It was the third such result since North Korea declared war on Carnival Cruise.

French and Italian wineries reported Tuesday that the consumption of wine fell with the economy this year throughout continental Europe. However, wine sales in United States remain strong. Apparently last century all the alcoholics migrated to America and left the European market with only the people who can take it or leave it.

Cuba's Raul Castro met with U.S. Congressional Black Caucus members. There are long ties between the communist party and the civil rights movement in America. Nobody was going to achieve racial equality by quoting eighteenth century Virginians.

Iraq's court reduced the sentence of the Iraqi journalist who hurled his shoes at President Bush. Throwing a shoe is a sign of utter contempt in Arab culture. Try to imagine hitting an iron shot to the green before the next group has putted out.

The Iraqi Tourism Bureau announced Thursday that Iraq is now open for business to tourists and religious pilgrims from around the world. You can tell the country was rebuilt by Halliburton. The porno channel in all of the hotel rooms runs Fox News.

Bill Clinton's boyhood home in Arkansas was declared a U.S. national monument on Monday. The living room is especially important. It's where Bill Clinton first saw Errol Flynn on the late night movie and decided what he was going to do with his life.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio