Argus Hamilton's column for 4-14-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

The White House admitted Monday that President Obama had not selected a church to join in the week leading up to Easter. He's looking for a perfect fit. That would be where he could worship Jesus on a prayer rug facing Mecca and a Teleprompter.

A Turkish student trying to get a pilot's license in Canada stole a Cessna and flew across the U.S. hoping he would be shot down. There was no hostile intent. If he was going to bring down an office building he would have gotten a broker's license.

Yankee Stadium was christened Monday when an American bald eagle landed on the hand of Captain Sully Sullenberger at home plate. That's typecasting for you. Fred Astaire couldn't get rid of Ginger Rogers and Sully Sullenberger can't get rid of birds.

Fast and Furious had the biggest movie opening of the year last week. It's got fast cars and huge trucks flying all over the road. Americans no longer fantasize about sex, danger or science fiction, just about high-powered engines and low mileage.

Michael Jordan accepted election to the Basketball Hall of Fame on Monday with great reluctance. His gratitude was mixed with burning pride. He still thinks he can return and be a great player but the court order says fifty feet from all casinos.

South Carolina's Department of Archives began selling old Confederate war bonds Monday to raise money for upkeep. They're selling for eight times their face value in U.S. dollars. If they could sell enough of these to China the South could rise again.

George W. Bush was cheered Monday as he threw out the first pitch for the Texas Rangers. He's had a great month. He spoke in Canada, he threw out the first pitch in Texas and he just found out there's a national holiday in his honor on April first.

Homeland Security went on alert Monday after a Turkish student in Canada stole a Cessna in Ontario and flew across America's mid-section hoping to be shot down by U.S. jets. The danger was minimal. Fifteen years ago a Cessna crashed into the White House just outside Hillary's bedroom window, so the president was never in any danger.

NASA reported satellite measurements of the Arctic Ocean Monday revealing that its reserve of thick ice is melting at a fast rate. It makes no sense. Scientists cannot explain how the ice shelf is breaking up and yet the Clintons remain together.

Queen Elizabeth was photographed holding her purse while inside her own apartments during the G-20 summit. It's a signal to staffers. When she holds her purse on her arm, she's enjoying herself; when it's in her hand, it's a signal to staffers to get rid of her guest; and when it's opened up, it means there's another divorce settlement underway.

President Obama addressed Turkey's parliament Monday where he redefined the U.S. relationship with the Muslim world. Their eyes glazed over as his speech reached its eighty-ninth minute. He has got a lot of nerve saying that Americans don't torture.

President Obama apologized in France for American arrogance. During the trip he bowed to the Saudi king, he apologized to France and he told Muslims in Turkey he's one of them. Hospital emergency rooms nationwide report a surge of patients coming in with symptoms of buyer's remorse, and only half of them have insurance.

North Korea's Kim Jong Il's left arm jerked involuntarily while watching a rocket launch during his first public appearance since his stroke last summer. This guy is launching rockets, he's holding female American journalists prisoner, and he's not in complete control of his body. It's just a matter of time before Hillary Clinton forgives him.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio