Argus Hamilton's column for 4-12-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Easter, and how's everybody?

Augusta National is the site of today's final round of the Masters. It's golf's most sacred ground. Forty thousand Anglo-Saxons were on the course at dawn with their children dressed up as angels to take part in the annual Arnold Palmer Pageant.

The Hollywood Bowl announced that today's Easter pageant sold out earlier than ever before in its history. It's a nationwide phenomenon. People this year long to see Jesus rise, thinking if it can happen to Jesus, it could happen to their house.

President Obama told Turkey Monday the U.S. does not consider itself a Christian nation, a Jewish nation or a Muslim nation. It's sad. For over two hundred years we've worshipped the Almighty Dollar, so at the moment we are a nation without a church.

George W. Bush threw out the first pitch in the Texas Rangers home opener last week. He should do well on the dinner circuit. Bob Uecker made a fortune regaling audiences about his eight years as the worst player in Major League Baseball history.

The New York Yankees unveiled new Yankee Stadium which dazzles visitors with its four-thousand-square-foot television screens, huge electronic billboards and giant scoreboard. It burns nine megawatts of electricity a night. The new Axis of Evil is the left field pavilion, the right field pavilion and the Jumbotron.

A New York judge ruled Wednesday that a strip bar is exempt from paying state sales taxes because pole dancing qualifies as art. That's good news all around. Alex Rodriguez can now tell the commissioner's office that he is a patron of the arts.

Michelle Obama's wardrobe in Europe last week caused J. Crew sweater sales to skyrocket. The world simply adores her. This recession would be over if Michelle Obama had arrived at Buckingham Palace wearing an American bank around her shoulders.

Chicago Bulls star Michael Jordan was elected to the Basketball Hall of Fame on the first ballot Monday. There's precedent for this. Last year the way was cleared for him when Pete Rose was elected to the Basketball Hall of Fame on the first ballot.

Madonna was refused permission to adopt an African girl by the judge in Malawi after objections from the child's family. It's terrible. What's a family compared to a celebrity's inner circle when it comes to knowing how to raise a child?

North Korea fired a Taepodong-2 missile over the Sea of Japan Saturday in an attempt to send a satellite into orbit. The missile's range included Hawaii and Alaska. President Obama denounced the rocket launch and apologized for the Korean War.

North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il launched another long-range missile on Sunday which fell harmlessly into the ocean. It was his third consecutive dud. Kim Jong Il is the only world leader who needs a glass bottom boat to review his space program.

U.N. Ambassador Susan Rice Monday couldn't get the Security Council to criticize North Korea for its missile launch. The U.N. is afraid to say anything. If the U.N. starts condemning every communist country with a government-owned economy and a controlled media that only praises the leader, they may have to move out of New York.

President Obama will meet Thursday with Mexico's President Felipe Calderon. They will discuss border violence, sex trafficking, and drug running. After they finish the small talk about their favorite HBO shows, they are going to get down to business.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio