Argus Hamilton's column for 4-1-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Bill Clinton's boyhood house in Arkansas was voted a historic site by Congress last week. It's a shrine for some people. Womanizers and comedians come there from all over the world in the belief that bathing in the water will cure their slump.

The Smoking Gun reported Thursday that Sham Wow commercial spokesman Vince Shlomi got in a fight with a hooker in his hotel room. It's easy to deduce what started the fight. When he ordered one hooker he thought he'd get two, plus free steak knives.

Earth Hour was declared Saturday by activists who asked people to turn out all lights and appliances for an hour at eight o'clock. What a bad idea. Shouldn't they wait until we all have health insurance before we start bumping into things in the dark?

Alex Rodriguez returns to spring training camp from hip surgery Wednesday. His place in Yankee lore is secure. When he was diagnosed with a hip injury and not a sexual disease, he replaced Lou Gehrig as the luckiest man on the face of the earth.

Rush Limbaugh's ratings got a big jump in March as the Democrats demonized him daily. Nothing annoys this administration like a white male quoting the Constitution. Their strategy is first to get them off the radio and then to get them off the currency.

President Obama imposed a thirty-miles-per-gallon standard for cars Friday and twenty-four for SUVs. He wants banks to get back on their feet by making risky loans and he wants car companies to get back on their feet by making cars which Americans refuse to buy. He graduated at the top of his class at the Trotsky School of Business.

AIG executives returned their controversial bonus money Thursday. They'll make it back in no time. In the life insurance racket, you bet them that you're going to die, they bet you you're going to live, then you pay them a fortune hoping they win.

The Weather Channel showed freezing spring weather across the United States on Saturday. There were record lows from the Rockies to the Eastern Seaboard. It was so cold in New York that Bernie Madoff is actually looking forward to burning in hell.

Robin Williams had a heart procedure done at the Cleveland Clinic last month. It's a good time to do maintenance. Whenever a new president is enjoying his honeymoon with public opinion, comedians do whatever they can to make the most of the slow days.

Lebanon's Hezbollah guerrillas were reported Saturday to be raising money by helping Mexican drug cartels smuggle drugs and illegal aliens into the U.S. It's a way of earning enough to support their operations against Israel. After years of supporting them financially, Saudi Arabia decided Hezbollah's old enough to go out and get a job.

President Obama arrives in London today for a meeting of the twenty industrial nations' leaders. First he meets with Prime Minister Gordon Brown. They were going to prepare for their reception at the first day's meeting by watching the last scene in Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, but the DVD wouldn't play in Britain's machine.

President Obama meets with Queen Elizabeth in London today. He has a sudden respect for the British sovereign. He thought his main political rival in America was John McCain until he gave back that bust of Winston Churchill and read his e-mail.

President Obama will fly to Germany to commemorate NATO's sixtieth anniversary. Well, it's only right. American taxpayers are paying to protect Europe from Russia and to keep peace in the Middle East, the least we could do is stop by Germany and tell them how lucky they were they didn't win the war.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio