Argus Hamilton's column for 3-9-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Alex Rodriguez avoided surgery for his torn labrum on Friday and opted to take painkillers. He's just had three sex scandals and a steroid revelation. He's the only hitter in Major League history who sees the ball better when he's in the tabloids.

Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones cut Terrell Owens from the team Thursday. The owner is out the twelve million dollar signing bonus plus the ten million a year on the contract. Terrell Owens runs like a jaguar and loses money like General Motors.

Gone with the Wind fans observed the seventy-fifth anniversary of the Margaret Mitchell novel last week. Some people have never even heard of it. Today people see Gone with the Wind on the bookstore shelves and just assume it's an investment manual.

Will Ferrell performs his one-man show as George W. Bush on HBO Saturday. After just six weeks we're already looking back at the worst president in history as those good old days. What we wouldn't give for an ill-conceived invasion right now.

Mahatma Gandhi's personal items were bought at auction in New York Thursday by an Indian beer maker and donated to India. Gandhi believed that having no material possessions grants you spiritual powers. Today he's the patron saint of Orange County.

The Interior Department removed the Grey Wolf from the endangered species list Friday. The female wolf will often roam thousands of miles looking for a suitable mate. They've tried eHarmony but the wolves they met there never picked up the check.

Somali pirates released an Egyptian cargo ship Friday after they ran its cargo back and forth to Mogadishu for two months. The ship was holding six thousand tons of fertilizer. These kids are new at cutting cocaine and you learn from your mistakes.

The White House announced Friday the unemployment rate hit eight percent. Wall Street stock prices fall every time the president goes on television. This summer Disney World will open a new ride called It's a Small World and It's Coming to an End.

President Obama signed an executive order Friday permitting the federal funding of embryonic stem cell research. The president has a plan. He wants to develop a cure for every known disease and then refuse to give it to anyone who took TARP money.

Congress voted funds to keep the U.S. government from shutting down Friday. They have car payments to make themselves. Congressmen must drive their own cars because taxicab drivers refuse to pick up passengers who are statistically likely to rob them.

Newt Gingrich gave interviews Thursday and discussed running for president in four years. He's a brilliant conservative with a history of cheating on his wives. In four years everyone'll be sick of stock market jokes and ready for the infidelity material again.

The FDIC hinted Friday it might have to borrow billions of dollars in order to insure everybody's bank deposits. The overall economy is to blame. In the last four months fifty million Americans have had to switch brokers, from to stock to pawn.

Gordon Brown gave Barack Obama a first edition biography of Winston Churchill plus a pen holder made from the Victorian anti-slave ship HMS Gannet Tuesday. In return Obama gave Brown twenty-five movie DVDs. It would have been twenty-six movie DVDs, but somebody on Obama's staff is from this country and caught the John Adams mini-series just in time.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio