Argus Hamilton's column for 3-8-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

The Dallas Cowboys cut superstar receiver Terrell Owens from the team Thursday because he was such a distraction in the locker room. It won't cost the team any ticket sales at its new stadium. The sport of drinking is bigger than any one athlete.

The Weather Channel reported Tuesday that Southern California rainfall threatened mudslides in Orange County hillside neighborhoods. Many of these homes are built on bluffs. One guy financed a six-bedroom house by convincing the bank that he had a job.

Mahatma Gandhi's personal items were put up for auction Thursday at an auction house in Manhattan. Items include his glasses, his sandals and his rice bowl. The mark of a truly great man is that when he dies there's nothing left for the creditors.

The FDIC warned Thursday it hasn't enough money to cover insured deposits. Real estate and stocks have tanked and now even savings are at risk. If you blew all your money on sex, drugs and gambling you can hold your head up high at the Thanksgiving table this year.

Brett Favre auctioned off his truck on eBay Thursday and even autographed the dashboard to sweeten the deal. The quarterback learned a valuable lesson from O.J. Simpson. The best way to stay out of jail is to get rid of your memorabilia in public.

Ken Starr was in the California Supreme Court on Thursday arguing on behalf of Proposition 8 banning gay marriage. He already got Bill Clinton impeached for heterosexual sex. It would appear that he's against all forms of fornication except for legal fees.

Iowans asserted their need for that two-million-dollar congressional earmark to study pig odor on Friday. Now's the time. They would have asked earlier, but it wasn't til the presidential candidates left that Iowans were sure the smell was coming from the hogs.

Northern Trust Bank on Thursday returned two billion dollars in TARP money the government forced the bank to take. It's not worth the aggravation to the bankers. The next time they get their orders from Barney Frank he will be a waiter at the Palm.

Wall Street fell Thursday when the White House unveiled its health care plan. It wasn't all bad news. We've been manufacturing so much debt that the government has re-opened six closed GM plants just to have enough assembly lines to crank all it out.

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano assured the nation last week that the U.S. is prepared for hurricanes and natural disasters. The secretary was criticized across the board for ignoring the biggest threat to America. Republicans were angry that she didn't mention terrorism and Democrats were angry she didn't mention Limbaugh.

President Obama defended his plan for higher taxes on the rich Wednesday. He is determined to level out the distribution of wealth in America. It wasn't historic enough for him to be our first black president, he also wants to be our first red one.

The White House announced Thursday that President Obama's not likely to accept Rush Limbaugh's invitation to debate him. Rush is like any other Republican. He does not want Obama to fail, he just wants him to stay off TV until the markets close.

The Politico newspaper in Washington D.C. said Friday that Barack Obama will not speak at all without a Teleprompter. He uses it for every event big or small and it travels with him everywhere he goes. It wasn't a problem until Michelle woke up first yesterday morning and saw her name printed on a screen behind the nightlight.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio