Argus Hamilton's column for 3-6-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Arizona Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner signed a two-year deal Wednesday for four million dollars a year. He also gets a fifteen million dollar bonus. It's not clear what he's done to deserve such a bonus, he hasn't run one company into the ground.

Los Angeles Dodgers fans flooded the team office with ticket requests Wednesday when the team signed Manny Ramirez for forty-five million dollars. Now he's besieged by fans wherever he goes. The whole town is thrilled to have a buyer who can qualify.

West Virginia lawmakers will debate a bill which bans Barbie doll sales in the state. The bill claims the doll gives little girls unrealistic expectations. Barbie owns a Dream House and a Corvette, and that only happens when Republicans control Congress.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown announced Wednesday that Queen Elizabeth is giving a knighthood to Teddy Kennedy. It's well-deserved. The Kennedy men have been on their very best behavior ever since pepper spray was invented to make it a fair fight.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown spoke to Congress Wednesday and hailed the special relationship between the U.S. and Britain. It's a love between cousins. We only engage in global conquest to provide a healthy alternative to our proclivity for cockfighting.

Gordon Brown told Congress Wednesday the U.S. and Britain can save the world with a Global New Deal. He said the world faces an economic hurricane. People in Elkhart who make RV's will be very happy to hear that their trailers are much in demand again.

The White House proposed a bailout plan for homeowners Wednesday. Three trillion dollars in wealth has disappeared since election day. We could get it all back in gold during the Winter Olympics next year if we enter Dow Jones in the Men's Downhill.

California Assemblyman Joel Anderson asked Google to blur the satellite images of Los Angeles available on the Internet. There are security concerns. Revealing what Californians look like in the back yard is a breach of actor-God confidentiality.

President Obama put a swing set on the south grounds of the White House for his kids Wednesday. This brought back some great memories for comedians. The last time there was a swing set at the White House, Monica Lewinsky pulled the plaster out of the Oval Office ceiling.

The White House appointed Florida's disaster response coordinator Craig Fugate as head of the Federal Emergency Management Agency. Everybody likes the guy. He's a voluntary paramedic and firefighter, so he's a much-in-demand party guest in Florida.

AFL-CIO executives were criticized Wednesday for holding their convention at the Fountainebleu Hotel in Miami Beach this week. For labor union bosses, this is a new low. Las Vegas's reputation is so bad that even the town founders can't be seen there.

Cal Tech confirmed Wednesday that a giant flying asteroid whizzed close to the earth last week. It was a near disaster. Had it destroyed the earth, mankind's last thought would've been that we really didn't need separate garbage cans for recyclables.

National Intelligence Council chairman nominee Charles Freeman was brought up for questioning by Congress Wednesday over controversial past statements he's made. He was quoted calling the occupation of conquered land an act of violence. His nomination is in limbo until he clarifies whether he meant Iraq or Israel or America.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio