Argus Hamilton's column for 3-5-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

President Obama snubbed Great Britain Tuesday by refusing to hold a formal press event with Prime Minister Gordon Brown. He's not thinking. Barack Obama doesn't realize how many voters overlooked the fact that he's black because they thought he's British.

Los Angeles County Supervisors on Monday designated the first week of March as No Cussing Week. Good luck. It's not going to work as long as the cable news channels keep that running stock market ticker in the lower right hand corner of the TV screen.

Australia's astronomers last week spotted a forty-yard-wide asteroid whistling past the earth's atmosphere in plain view. Americans weren't surprised to hear about it. In this economy even God was trying to catch the eye of NFL scouts at the combine.

John McCain's daughter Meghan said Monday that her dad's presidential campaign ruined her love life. Her father is a powerful U.S. senator and her mom owns a huge Budweiser distributorship. For some reason all she attracts are lobbyists and drunks.

Journal Science said Monday you can pre-select a baby's eye color and intellect and athleticism with DNA before an embryo is implanted. How scary. In nine months, Nadya Suleman could break her own record by giving birth to the L.A. Dodgers starting line-up.

The Weather Channel showed a huge winter storm dropping snow from New England down to Georgia Tuesday. The timing was perfect. If college kids want to play in the snow this week they don't have to go to Mexico and get killed trying to buy some.

Saddam Hussein's cousin Chemical Ali was given a death sentence for the third time Monday by a tribunal in Iraq. He was in charge of building Iraq's weapons of mass destruction. The moral is, never hire a relative if you really want the job done.

The White House suggested Monday that Rush Limbaugh heads the GOP. The president's policies are worshipped on cable news channels but get slaughtered on the radio. Barack Obama's approval ratings now depend on how much time Americans spend in traffic.

President Obama overturned a Bush administration regulation Monday that limited protection for endangered species. He doesn't want anything to go extinct while he's in office. He may have to cut taxes to protect the habitat of the endangered investor.

President Obama said Tuesday stocks are so low this is a good time to buy. Three trillion dollars of personal wealth has disappeared since he got elected. The unemployment rate will skyrocket now that everybody who's retired is looking for a job.

Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner testified in front of the House Ways and Means Committee Tuesday. He told them the administration is gearing up to go after tax evaders. Did he ever get a cold shoulder when he showed up at the next cabinet meeting.

Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner asked Congress for more bailout cash for banks Tuesday. He emphasized that this is a once-in-a-lifetime situation. While a bank's stock might crash just once, the homeowner will crash forever in his parent's basement.

The Wall Street Journal denounced President Obama for waging war on capitalism Tuesday. The editors said his proposals amount to nothing more than federal mandates, price controls and tax increases. Osama bin Laden has just decided to open a small business in the Midwest so he can be the U.S. government's number-one target again.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio