Argus Hamilton's column for 3-4-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

The White House complained Sunday after Rush Limbaugh rallied conservatives to oppose the president. They think dissent isn't helpful. On baseball's opening day, Barack Obama will be at Washington Nationals Stadium to throw out the First Amendment.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown met with President Obama to devise a Global New Deal to provide food, supplies and prosperity to people in every country. How did the Third World wind up on welfare so fast? Just last week they had all our factory jobs.

New Yorkers were reported Friday to be bottling the city's tap water and selling it for two dollars a bottle. It's pumped from the upstate Hudson River and always voted America's best drinking water. This year's bouquet offers just a hint of airline fuel.

Siegfried and Roy returned to the Las Vegas stage Sunday with the Bengal tiger Montecore who mauled Roy onstage six years ago. The tiger seemed happy to be back on the main stage. Due to the economic crisis they were only feeding him lounge comics.

Tiger Woods's coach Hank Haney is trying to fix Charles Barkley's swing on the Golf Channel. He knows best. He once told Tiger to take the club away low, make a full turn, then throw all his weight onto his left foot and marry a Swedish blonde.

Los Angeles police talked down a naked man who was threatening to jump off the cross atop a church steeple Sunday. He's lucky a cop happened along. Nudity's been the official religion of Los Angeles for so long that nobody even noticed him up there.

George W. Bush signed with the Washington Speakers Bureau last month and the agency promptly scheduled him to entertain a convention in Canada. He has a very specific financial plan. He's going to work as a stand-up comic until karate can pay the bills.

U.S. Trade Representative nominee Ron Kirk owes the IRS ten thousand dollars, an error disclosed Monday by the Senate Finance Committee considering his nomination. Another one of these pop up every week. Apparently Friday is casual tax day at the White House.

The U.S. Senate Intelligence Committee will investigate instances of CIA torture of detainees over the last eight years. This nation has no business engaging in torture. Anybody found guilty of waterboarding ought to get twenty years in the electric chair.

Hillary Clinton flew to the Middle East Monday to deliver nine hundred million dollars to the Palestinian Authority. The money is for construction projects. Everywhere Hamas operates there's a building boom, just not necessarily in that order.

Venezuela's dictator Hugo Chavez was told by his doctor Monday to stop talking due to a throat problem. He wants him to stay off the air for a month. If Wall Street can get that doctor to prescribe this for Barack Obama it could save the stock market.

Iran arrested American reporter Roxane Saberi for trying to buy wine and threw the former Miss North Dakota in jail. It has upset their whole system. If Iranians knew that women looked like that under their burkas, they would've banned burkas years ago.

The Dow Jones fell below seven thousand for the first time in twelve years Monday. In those days the Dow was going up through the seven thousand mark, as President Clinton dodged a sex harassment suit and Speaker Newt Gingrich was cheating on his wife with his staffer. Who would have thought adultery is the best stimulus package of all?



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio