Argus Hamilton's column for 3-31-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

The Supreme Court heard arguments on whether the documentary Hillary the Movie was a campaign ad or if it's free speech. The justices are split. Liberals feel it's ninety minutes of hate speech but conservatives loved the scene where Hillary destroys Tokyo.

Candy Spelling put her Beverly Hills mansion on the market for one hundred and fifty million dollars. It has a hundred rooms, high walls, and a guardhouse at the gate. She has a month to sell it before the city seizes it and turns it into the Beverly Hills Jail.

Congress passed a Wilderness Act Monday to slow oil exploration and bring back the salmon. Every thirty years we have to clean up the rivers. Forget Captain Sully Sullenberger, the real Miracle on the Hudson would be a fish in it that was safe to eat.

The Vatican vowed Friday to order Catholics to boycott the DaVinci Code sequel that says Jesus married Mary Magdalene. Hollywood's been known to get history mixed up. Jesus did not behead every one of his wives until one of them gave him a son.

Chicago officials met with IOC officials Friday and made the case for Chicago to host the Summer Olympics in seven years. It's premature. They shouldn't make any decision until after the games in London, when we find out if the American team defects or comes home.

President Obama vowed Friday to aid Afghanistan's economy. We will help Asia's heroin economy but fight Mexico's cocaine economy. Ever since the homes of the AIG executives were vandalized the official U.S. policy is to put the underclass to sleep.

President Obama sent four thousand U.S. troops to Afghanistan and the U.S. Navy to the Sea of Japan last week. He also put more armed agents on the Mexico border. He wanted to have the bankers surrounded when he met with them at the White House Friday.

President Obama met with Wall Street's major bank CEOs in the White House Friday and he told them Americans are furious at them. He really beat up on the bankers. Most Democrats take out their hostility on the tobacco industry but Obama is a smoker.

Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner asked Congress Wednesday for the power to regulate derivatives trading. Smart people always know how to make money. This year the guy who made the most money is the guy who bought pitchfork futures back in September.

California adopted a rule Friday requiring all auto repair shops to check tire pressure whenever making repairs. Have they no consciences? It's morally wrong to remove the smuggled heroin out of a tire and not reinflate it to its correct pressure.

Brazil's President Lula da Silva stunned his guest, Prime Minister Gordon Brown, by saying the financial crisis was caused by white men with blue eyes. His economy is based on topless beaches and drug traffic. He should stop insulting his customers.

Hillary Clinton warned Friday that Mexico border chaos is escalating. The drug cartel violence has spread north into Phoenix and San Diego. It's just another in a long series of problems that would be solved if people just paid their bills on time.

U.S. Navy ships sailed into the Sea of Japan to monitor North Korea's threatened missile launch Friday. They're showcasing for customers. Iran wasn't impressed two years ago when their Taepodong long-range missile couldn't even beat the shot put record.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio