Argus Hamilton's column for 3-29-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

The New York Yankees announced plans to chop up old Yankee Stadium and sell it in little pieces. Fans can trade the pieces of rubble forever. That is, they can if they can find anybody who didn't spend their entire rubble budget on mortgage-backed securities.

United Technologies CEO George David testified at his divorce trial in Hartford Tuesday. He said his beautiful Swedish wife raped him twice. A little more of this testimony and he'll be able to pay the divorce settlement by selling the movie rights.

Nevada lawmakers may add a five-dollar sex tax on every act of prostitution in the state's legal brothels. It's a sex tax. It makes you wonder, how many times does a taxpayer have to be screwed before he straightens up his life and moves to Utah.

The White House sent agents to the Mexican border Thursday to halt the flow of cocaine. The cartel is devious. They know young people are too smart to go near the evil powder but they think Baby Boomers will relapse once the housing market rebounds.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton flew to Mexico City on Wednesday to address the border drug violence. No one in Washington D.C. can really say anything about it. Democrats have all done cocaine and Republicans have all laundered cocaine money.

Hillary Clinton said America's appetite for cocaine is causing the Mexico drug violence. It is said that the U.S. spends more on cocaine than on pizza and French fries. Imagine how awful the obesity epidemic would be if we weren't losing weight on the Disco Diet.

The European Parliament's president called President Obama's economic recovery plan a path to hell Wednesday. Actually it's only one of many paths. The fastest path to hell is to handcuff yourself to Bernie Madoff and follow him from here on out.

President Obama was on Capitol Hill Wednesday to urge moderate Democrats to back his budget bill. Each baby born in the U.S. now owes eighteen thousand dollars in debt. A month ago Americans were furious at Nadya Suleman for having eight babies, but today she's the only thing standing between Social Security and insolvency.

President Obama told CBS' 60 Minutes Sunday that a year ago he would never have guessed that Iraq would become the least of his problems. He was just happy to be elected leader of the free world. It's icing on the cake that he can seize the banks.

The White House sent liberal groups door-to-door Saturday to urge passage of the budget bill. It's an all-out push. To build support for the package, the Secretary of the Treasury will meet with small businesses--General Electric, AIG and General Motors.

The White House said in a memo Tuesday the War on Terror will now be called Overseas Contingency Operations. Homeland Security is calling the World Trade Center attack a man-caused disaster. Fear-mongering language is only appropriate when you want to raise taxes and take over health care, not when you want to invade the wrong country.

The NFL owners voted Tuesday to ban blockers on kickoff returns from forming flying wedges. Owners don't want to mindlessly satisfy the blood lust of the crowd. That move to confiscate executive bonuses last week spooked every rich guy in the country.

EU Parliament member Daniel Hannan of England became a conservative star Wednesday with a grandiloquent denunciation of Prime Minister Gordon Brown for overspending. It made many wistful. Republicans could have had the next great conservative president of the United States but they had to go and sign that damned Declaration of Independence.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.


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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio