Argus Hamilton's column for 3-26-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

NASA astronauts had to duck outside the Space Station Sunday when all sorts of space junk just missed them in orbit. It had to happen. Five years ago Fannie Mae loaned money to the entire universe and now it's coming back in pieces to kill us all.

The NCAA tournament headed to Indianapolis for the Sweet Sixteen brackets this week. It goes from sixty-four to thirty-two to sixteen to eight to four to two to one. It was a lot more fun before we did this year-round with our retirement accounts.

The PGA Tour dropped Stanford Financial as its Memphis tournament sponsor last week over its securities fraud probe. This isn't going away, Jesse Jackson just flew to Memphis to protest the exclusion of financial advisors from Southern country clubs.

India launched the world's cheapest automobile called the Nano on Monday, priced at under two thousand dollars. It's a good investment. Hindus believe if the Nano leads a good life on the roads it'll come back in its next life as a Bentley.

New York City enjoyed an unseasonably warm Saturday when spring arrived on the calendar. The day marked the return of many migratory birds which had flown south in September. You didn't want to be under them when they asked how their money was doing.

AIG executives agreed Monday to give back the bonuses they received. For one long week news anchors kept railing about all the public outrage in America. No one knows if they're mad about the bonuses, the bailouts, the budget or just because everybody is supposed to be out of work and the traffic is just as bad as it ever was.

Disneyland will premiere its new It's a Small World ride this week in Southern California after two years of renovations. They do a great job of keeping the theme park up-to-date. Tomorrowland has been turned into a scale model of Mexico City.

Barney Frank called Justice Antonin Scalia a homophobe in a interview Monday. A gay prostitution ring once operated out of the congressman's basement. The ring paid no taxes and made a ton of money but Barney Frank learned nothing from the experience.

Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner released his plan to buy up toxic bank assets in partnership with private equity firms Monday, causing the Dow Jones to skyrocket five hundred points. He is smarter than everybody thinks. He'd pretty much have to be.

President Obama laughed at the plight of auto workers on CBS' 60 Minutes Sunday after he joked about the Special Olympics on Leno. He laughs at the worst things. Thank goodness the Founding Fathers gave us a vice president to go to foreign funerals.

The National Association of Realtors revealed Monday that home sales rose five percent last month nationwide. It was the biggest jump in six years. Jesus just got bumped from the Easter pageant to celebrate the resurrection of the housing market.

President Obama was urged Monday to order troops to the Mexican border to stop the drug cartels. This is no way to get the economy to recover. The Dallas Cowboys finally got clean and sober and Jerry Jones can't sell a luxury box to save his soul.

Wall Street soared Monday on news the Treasury Department was going to partner with speculators and buy up bad mortgage debt. First the government criticized Wall Street for taking too much risk and now the government wants Wall Street to take a risk on them. Nobody likes a reckless investor until they start a business themselves.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio