Argus Hamilton's column for 3-23-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Wall Street swindler Bernie Madoff lost his bid Friday to be let out of prison until his June sentencing date. He cheated investors out of sixty billion dollars. However, according to a provision in the stimulus bill, he will get to keep his bonus.

Michael Phelps issued another apology Tuesday for getting photographed smoking pot out of a bong pipe. He was suspended from competitive swimming because of it. He was such a role model that the next day thousands of young people gave up swimming.

Duplicity starring Clive Owen and Julia Roberts opened huge Thursday. They play two secret agents who swindle two corporations out of billions. In the original script they swindled evil oil sheiks, but the test audiences weren't mad enough at them.

San Francisco unveiled new luxury commuter buses aimed at wealthy suburbanites Friday. They offer you the opportunity to talk on the phone, read the newspaper, eat breakfast and enjoy a little wine on the way to work. It's exactly the same as driving.

South Oak Cliff High School in Dallas was accused Thursday of arranging for boys to fight each other bare-knuckled inside a steel cage. It wasn't the fighting that's caused all the outrage. It was the Dallas Cowboys around the cage placing bets.

President Obama told Jay Leno Thursday his bowling style was something you see in the Special Olympics. His core supporters blanched. Democrats were embarrassed that he made fun of special-needs kids, and Episcopalians were mortified that he bowls.

The U.S. Army met its recruiting goal for the year Friday because so many troops are re-enlisting. You can't blame them. They just turned Iraq from a dictatorship into a land of freedom and democracy, but the United States is just too big a challenge.

The U.S. Census Bureau announced Tuesday that over four million babies were born last year in America. We need every one of them to pay down this debt we're running up. The moment they're born the doctor slaps them with a sixty percent tax rate.

The Congressional Budget Office said Friday the new budget deficit will be two trillion dollars higher than the six trillion dollar previous estimate, due to the Fed pumping a trillion into bank securities. We're getting so jaded hearing all these numbers. Bill Gates's wife is thinking about dumping him for somebody with real money.

Whole Foods workers in Tulsa found a poisonous Brazilian spider in a crateload of bananas Friday. The venom causes prolonged erections. They're scary because when somebody must suck the poison out of the bite, you find out who your real friends are.

Vermont's state Senate passed a same-sex marriage bill Friday. Massachusetts and Connecticut are the only other states where gays can marry. It's only a matter of time before the New England Patriots change their name to the New England Disco Balls.

President Obama sent a video holiday greeting to the people of Iran Friday. The Iranian government responded by ridiculing the American president. If it gets any more like the Seventies the Marine Band is going to have to learn Bee Gees tunes.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown tried to watch the movie DVDs President Obama gave him, but they were the wrong format for Britain. However, the president has a very nice gift to give the prime minister when he goes to London next month to make it up to him. Since Barack Obama became president, twenty states have decided to rejoin the British Empire.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.


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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio