Argus Hamilton's column for 3-22-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

President Obama goes on CBS' 60 Minutes this evening after doing the Tonight Show and ESPN last week. He thinks it reassures people to see him. He's on pace to become the first president outside of Zimbabwe to have his face on the trillion dollar bill.

President Obama held a town hall meeting in Los Angeles Wednesday. He now sees why we're so cheerful in California. He wasn't here ten minutes before he was pre-approved for a second mortgage on the White House to take cash out for a new kitchen.

The Federal Reserve poured a trillion dollars Thursday into buying up mortgage-backed securities from Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. These agencies backstop risky home loans while the executives take huge bonuses and give big campaign contributions to lawmakers. Bernie Madoff can't believe he's in jail while Freddie and Fannie walk free.

Congress released the hounds on AIG executives Thursday and slapped a punitive ninety-percent income tax on the company bonuses. It's no more constitutional than beheading George W. Bush. Not everything that sounds like a good idea is constitutional.

President Obama took responsibility for the AIG bailout Wednesday and Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner took the blame. Republicans in Washington are popping open the champagne. This is the first thing since Monica Lewinsky that Bush didn't do.

Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner faced calls to resign from members of Congress Friday. He's still had no assistants confirmed. If he leaves, they will have a vacancy rate in the Treasury Department that can stack up against any office building in the country.

The Chicago Cubs made plans Tuesday to retire the number thirty-one. The honor will be shared by the greats who wore the number. The team will honor Greg Maddux for his wins, Ferguson Jenkins for his strikeouts and Baskin and Robbins for the consolation.

Swedish countess Marie Douglas-David demanded millions each month in alimony from United Technologies founder George David. He's sixty-seven and she's thirty-six, but his new wife is even younger. Nancy Grace has been looking for that child for six months.

Playboy announced Thursday that Hugh Hefner is planning to sell the mansion he owns next door to the famed Playboy Mansion in Holmby Hills in Los Angeles. The home is reported to have a hole in the backyard fence. The police are looking into it.

The Transition flying car was successfully tested in New York Friday. It's got wings that fold down from the car's sides and it takes flight at one hundred miles an hour. The FBI now has to spot Muslim terrorists when they enroll in traffic school.

Pope Benedict began his Africa trip Thursday by meeting with Muslim leaders in Cameroon. It's the pope's first trip to Africa and his first meeting with Muslims. Performers love to go where no one has ever heard their material before.

Justice Department nominee and abortion rights activist Dawn Johnsen underwent confirmation hearings Thursday for assistant Attorney General. She has compared pregnancy to slavery. Pregnancy is nothing like slavery, those are just stretch marks.

Alaskan Lance Mackey won his third straight Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race last week, becoming the race's third three-time winner. It's an eleven hundred mile dash across the Yukon. Only my stockbroker ever had more dogs drag him into the wilderness.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio