Argus Hamilton's column for 3-17-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

President Obama hosted a meeting with Brazil's president at the White House on Saturday to discuss U.S.-Brazilian trade. It caused nationwide alarm when Americans heard about the meeting. We've blown past trillions and now we're spending Brazilians.

New York Yankees star Alex Rodriguez sold his New York apartment Friday for ten million dollars. The team just took out an insurance policy requiring him to live out of town. He has enough injury problems without being hit by a falling stockbroker.

The Ellis Island Library just honored a couple who emigrated to America fifty years ago for their civic contributions to New York. They raised two sons. The first is the head of a Wall Street investment firm, and the other one's in prison too.

Bernard Madoff faced one hundred fifty years in prison Thursday after pleading guilty to stock fraud. Prison has its advantages. There's no rent, the food's free and you don't have to get up in the middle of the night to see if the door is locked.

Beverly Hills pawnbrokers reported booming business Friday from local residents pawning their fine art and jewelry and Bentleys. It's a great place to see a star. One tourist walked into the pawn shop and saw Liza Minnelli, for eight hundred dollars.

Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner flew to London to discuss banking reform last week. The administration wants to end tax havens for tax fugitives. All they have to do is change the locks on the White House Cabinet room and they'll be flushed out into the hallway.

The White House admitted Saturday that President Obama made a mistake returning the bust of Winston Churchill to Britain. The establishment was mortified. Just like Jesus, President Obama's turning out to be a lot more like his father than his mother.

The Boston Tea Party Society called upon Americans to send teabags to Congress Saturday to protest huge spending and higher taxes. Be sure and send decaffeinated tea bags. Every time Congress stays up past midnight they vote themselves a pay raise.

Venezuela and Cuba offered air bases to Russia Friday for their bombers to use when patrolling the Western Hemisphere. It's nerve wracking. We've never had a president face a Russian military threat in this hemisphere without Marilyn Monroe's wise counsel.

Forbes listed cocaine kingpin Joaquin Guzman on its billionaires list. Sales of cocaine are always good when the economy is lousy. Its side effects include a rush of euphoria, a feeling of invincibility for fifteen minutes, and one-term presidencies.

The White House considered sending National Guard troops to the Mexican border Saturday. The Texas National Guard could be called up for possible combat duty. Maybe it wasn't a speaking engagement that brought George W. Bush to Canada this month.

Senator David Vitter ordered flight attendants to open a just-closed airplane door last week when he arrived at a gate late. He got belligerent when they refused, so they called security and identified him as he ran off. Senators who get caught in prostitution scandals should never assume that flight attendants won't recognize them.

The White House declared Friday that captured al-Qaeda fighters will no longer be referred to as enemy combatants. Two weeks ago the administration eliminated the term War on Terror and ordered the shutdown of Guantanamo. Osama bin Laden released an audiotape on Saturday ordering all his followers to enjoy a Happy St. Patrick's Day.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio