Argus Hamilton's column for 3-16-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Wall Street swindler Bernie Madoff pleaded guilty in New York on Thursday. What a crook. After Bernie Madoff told the court how he convinced investors he could double their money with no risk, the judge wrote him a check for ten thousand dollars.

Charles Barkley's swing is being fixed by Tiger Woods' coach Hank Haney on the Golf Channel. His golf swing is off-balance, wild, halting and herky-jerky. The show's only aired twice and already he has been offered the job of Deputy Treasury Secretary.

Mattel marked the fiftieth anniversary of the Barbie doll Friday. She's a role model for California girls. Barbie has large plastic breasts, she hasn't gained an ounce since high school, and she always gets somebody else to buy her house and car for her.

President Obama dedicated Abraham Lincoln Hall at Fort McNair Thursday. Young people are mystified by all of Obama's references to Abe Lincoln. If Lincoln were that good a president, there would be a Toyota named after him instead of a Ford.

President Obama killed a stock market rally Friday by going on television with another economic announcement. It happens every time. The White House has stopped releasing the president's speaking schedule because it just tips off the short-sellers.

The Wall Street Journal was reported Tuesday to be adding a sports section. Do we want traders studying sports statistics all day? In two weeks they'll figure out they can improve the markets by injecting steroids into the seats on the Exchange.

GOP Chairman Michael Steele angered Republicans Thursday when he said abortion is an individual choice. That's party heresy. It would be like the chairman of the Democratic Party calling for banks to run credit checks on people applying for a loan.

Japan vowed Saturday to shoot down any rocket that North Korea test-fires over Japan next month. There's a reason that Tokyo announced its intentions so far in advance. Japan doesn't want to live through another sixty years of sneak attack jokes.

The Sears Tower in Chicago was renamed after Willis Group Holdings after Sears' naming rights expired on the one hundred and ten story skyscraper. The building is very secure. Osama bin Laden didn't go near it for fear of angering the Capone family.

The White House announced Friday it's considering a plan to ship the Guantanamo terror suspects currently housed in the Navy prison to Saudi Arabia. It's the best place to send them. Saudi Arabia's GI benefits package is among the best in the world.

Forbes magazine listed Mexico's cocaine kingpin Joaquin Guzman on their annual billionaires list. He's quite a shrewd businessman. Just by keeping his cash out of banks and the stock market, he sailed by two thousand people from last year's list.

Homeland Security sent agents to the Mexican border Friday in response to drug cartel violence. The effort to stem the violence at the border is hampered on two fronts. They can't figure out who's responsible for all the assassinations and beheadings, and they can't figure out where the United States ends and Mexico begins.

Transocean offshore drilling company announced in Houston it is re-locating to Switzerland to avoid paying U.S. tax hikes and complying with U.S. carbon taxes. A tiny farming town near Zurich cut taxes and now has gleaming office towers, shopping malls and a housing boom. President Obama is thinking of bombing it for being a bad example.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio