Argus Hamilton's column for 3-15-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

March Madness arrives Sunday with the annual selection of the participants for this year's tournament. It's a ritual. There are sixty-four, then there are thirty-two, then there are sixteen, then there are eight, and then Nadya Suleman gives birth.

Bernie Madoff was jailed Thursday after he pleaded guilty to defrauding people out of sixty-five billion dollars. It's the end of a long legal process. You knew Bernie Madoff was crooked when prosecutors brought in Paula Jones to identify him.

New York prosecutors got Bernie Madoff's bail revoked Thursday, resulting in the swindler going to jail until sentencing. This isn't the way it was supposed to turn out. It was the money that was supposed to be under lock and key, not the fund manager.

Bernie Madoff admitted running a Ponzi scheme Thursday. He took money from new investors to pay off old investors, skimming off the top and never investing the money. This kind of financing is only allowed for Broadway musicals and Social Security.

President Obama met with the foreign minister of China at the White House on Thursday. Everyone agreed that the visit was long overdue. Barack Obama has been president of the United States for seven weeks, it's about time he met with the owners.

NASA ordered Space Station astronauts into the escape capsule on Thursday when a junked rocket engine approached at five miles per second. They thought they were out of harm's way up there. They were well above the orbit of the Canadian geese.

Mayor Mike Bloomberg was rated the richest man in New York Thursday. His media company's made four billion dollars since the crash. Selling business news during a stock market scare is more lucrative than the soft drink concession at the Betty Ford Center.

Iraqi shoe thrower Muntazer al-Zaidi got three years in prison Thursday. He threw two shoes at President Bush at a press conference in Baghdad. They could have given him ten years in prison, but they took off seven years for having a good point.

The Pentagon sent an unmanned Predator drone over Pakistan airspace on Wednesday. It fired a missile, killing eight suspected terrorists. When everybody in the world wanted America to close Guantanamo they didn't think we'd have a Plan B ready this fast.

President Obama spoke to business leaders meeting in Washington Thursday and promised to maintain free trade overseas. He won't raise protective tariffs. The idea is to give the U.S. auto industry no other option but to build a better car.

West Virginia was named the unhappiest state by the Gallup Poll Thursday, followed by Kentucky, Mississippi, Louisiana, Tennessee and Oklahoma. Can you blame them? Every day you turn on the television, it's another worshipful story about Abe Lincoln.

New York's Assembly may put a ten-dollar tax on strip club customers when they visit a topless bar. They also have a bill to tax Internet downloads from porn websites. Churches are next if the choir robes don't go all the way down to the ankles.

President Obama signed an executive order Monday restoring federal funding for embryonic stem cell research, however he did ban human cloning. There goes his last chance of filling vacancies in the Treasury Department. If you think one Tim Geithner was crashing the stock market, imagine the damage that five of them could do.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio