Argus Hamilton's column for 3-12-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Warren Buffett declared Monday the United States must see itself as engaged in a war against the economic downturn. He's got a point. If you've seen the federal deficit you will know we haven't been attacked by this many zeroes since Pearl Harbor.

The Cheers bar in Boston made famous on the NBC show fired legendary bartender Eddie Doyle Monday due to slow business. He's famous for knowing everybody's name. He's just been hired by Mexico's government to identify the bodies during spring break.

The Border Patrol said Monday Americans spent forty billion dollars on cocaine last year. That's twenty billion less than Americans spent per year on cocaine back in the late Seventies. Baby Boomers now get forty percent off with the AARP card.

The Doral Open this week features the nineteen-year-old rookie Rory McIlroy of Northern Ireland. He's got superstar written all over him. As a child he patterned himself after Nick Faldo and by the time he was twelve he had twenty-five girlfriends.

Swiss gigolo Helg Sgarbi went to jail for blackmailing a German billionairess with sex videos he taped of them without her knowledge. She should have smelled a rat by the mood music the Swiss playboy played. It was the William Kiss and Tell Overture.

Al-Qaeda's Ali al-Marri made his first U.S. court appearance Tuesday. He plotted cyber attacks on banks eight years ago. He had a plot to drive Citigroup stock down to forty dollars a share, and now we'll pay him anything if he'll tell us how to do it.

Wall Streeters regained the will to live Tuesday after the stock market soared three hundred seventy points on good news from Citigroup. Everyone is too nauseous to be happy. Stocks might not provide for your old age but they do hasten its arrival.

The Vatican announced Monday that Pope Benedict will skip the Holocaust Museum on his upcoming visit to Israel. That's understandable. He didn't want to put his thumb on the thumbprint scanner and find out that it matched anything in the exhibits.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's e-mail to the Pentagon was discovered by Judicial Watch Tuesday and it caused an uproar. In the e-mails the Speaker demanded that U.S. military jets be fueled and ready for her travel use whether she used them or not. Girls who develop early in junior high school never lose their sense of entitlement.

The Pentagon said violence in Iraq reached a six-year low Monday. The tensions ended when Sunnis and Shiites agreed to live in their own ethnic neighborhoods in Baghdad under U.S. supervision. President Obama will be in real political trouble when people find out he's using the Mississippi National Guard to enforce segregation.

The Smithsonian found a note engraved inside Abe Lincoln's pocket watch from the watchmaker, thanking God for his election. His image is so overblown. If Abe Lincoln were really a man of the people, he would have sat with them during the play.

President Obama addressed educational needs in Washington Tuesday. He proposed longer school days and more years of education. He's hoping that if you keep students out of the workforce until they're thirty-five, maybe the unemployment rate will drop.

Life Changing Ministries in South Carolina began giving out free gas cards Sunday to help out new church members hit by the economy. When Protestants tighten their belts, it's heroic. Baptists are handing out gas cards, Presbyterians are distributing used golf balls, and Episcopalians are serving domestic wine at communion.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio