Argus Hamilton's column for 3-11-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

New York Yankees star Alex Rodriguez had arthroscopic surgery on his right hip Monday that'll take two months to heal. It brings him closer to average New Yorkers. Everybody's ass is in a sling today but he's the only one who can blame it on surgery.

George Steinbrenner's biography, George, says he financed Tonya Harding's Olympic training fifteen years ago. She used the money to pay thugs to kneecap rival Nancy Kerrigan. George was always a soft touch for anybody who reminded him of Billy Martin.

Charles Barkley was released from jail in Phoenix Monday after he'd served his three-day sentence for drunken driving. For three days he was fed and clothed and housed at public expense. This does nothing to discourage drunken driving in America.

Pocket God is a new iPhone program which allows you to play God to a tropical island in the South Seas. You can toss the natives to the sharks, you can feed them coconuts or you can shake the phone and cause a major hurricane. To a generation of young people who were taught that colonialism is wrong, it's the Sexual Revolution.

North Korea threatened war on the U.S. Monday if the U.S. Navy shoots down a North Korean missile they are test-firing over the Sea of Japan. They claim the missile can reach Hawaii. If it hits Pearl Harbor we'll be out of this depression two days later.

Chinese warships threatened to attack the unarmed USS Impeccable Monday in the China Sea. Why on earth is the U.S. sailing unarmed ships in that neighborhood? If we want the Chinese to buy our Treasury bills, we really ought to point a gun at them.

The Pentagon announced plans Monday to withdraw twelve thousand U.S. troops from Iraq and begin winding down the occupation of Iraq. However the troops won't be flying home direct. They change planes in Afghanistan and may have a ten-year layover.

L.A. octuplet mother Nadya Suleman's publicist quit in disgust Monday. The porno movie offer was the last straw. He didn't have a problem with her screwing the taxpayers of Los Angeles until she told him she is going to do it one taxpayer at a time.

Discovery Channel released a new video game called Miracle on the Hudson. Players land a plane safely on the river or crash it. The game has amusing graphics like a flock of geese, passengers waving atop the wing, and the airline's liability policy with AIG.

Swedish researchers marveled Monday at a chimpanzee that stockpiled rocks to throw at zoo visitors. The thirty-one-year-old alpha male would build a weapons cache in the morning, wait until midday and then unleash a torrent of rocks against visitors. He moved to the zoo after he lost his job as a short-seller on Wall Street.

Cal Tech confirmed Thursday that a meteor just missed earth two weeks ago. The last one struck ten million years ago and killed every dinosaur in the Middle East, where the corpses decayed into crude oil. Israel's so sorry it had a no-pets policy.

President Obama began the process of easing travel and trade restrictions with Cuba Monday. He inserted the travel and trade provisions into this week's spending bill. The president doesn't view Cuba as the enemy, he sees it as the smoking section.

The London Telegraph quoted an Obama administration official saying there is nothing special about the U.S.-British relationship, and that Britain is just one of one hundred and ninety nations. People are too hard on this administration. Barack Obama already has one unbelievable accomplishment, he's repaired George W. Bush's reputation in just six weeks.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio