Argus Hamilton's column for 3-10-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Bonnie and Clyde are profiled in a new biography called Go Down Together. They were gunned down by federal agents seventy-five years ago this week. It was back in the day when you could be shot for robbing a bank instead of getting a bonus for it.

The State Department warned college students to avoid Mexico this spring break due to the drug wars. The warning went unheeded. Twenty percent of college students decided to go to Mexico for spring break, the rest are going to Mexico for a new life.

US Airways hero Sully Sullenberger discussed a book deal with publishers Friday in New York. He miraculously landed his stricken airliner on the Hudson, saving the lives of one hundred fifty-five Americans. In better times he'd be more of a hero.

NASA launched the Planet Explorer into outer space Friday to look for a planet just like Earth. It won't be easy. Its telescope will determine whether a planet is just like Earth by looking for four elements: hydrogen, oxygen, hell and a handbasket.

Alex Rodriguez decided on arthroscopic surgery for his torn labrum Sunday. The hip injury could place his entire season at risk. The New York Yankees just added a new clause to Alex Rodriguez's contract forbidding him from ever again dancing in one of Madonna's videos.

Barry Bonds sought employment from Major League teams after prosecutors delayed his steroids trial for a year. It's a chance to hire history. He'll be the first player inducted when Major League Baseball opens the Hall of Asterisks in Cooperstown.

Charles Barkley reported to a Phoenix jail Saturday to begin serving a three-day sentence for drunk driving. He shaved seven days off his sentence by enrolling in a program of alcohol education. You can't be too proud to take a bartending class.

President Obama touted his agenda for energy, education and health care to fix the economy Sunday but he still has no plan for the banking crisis. He's obeying the law. Under the Continuity in Government Act, a president can't know what he's talking about.

Barack Obama spoke Friday at a police graduation in Ohio made possible by his stimulus package. It's designed to help working families. It even includes a rebate for people who don't pay taxes, and don't you think the cabinet doesn't appreciate it.

President Obama warned Sunday that the U.S. economy isn't going to get better by year's end. People are debating whether it's better to keep money in dollars or in gold. So far dollars are winning out because they're more comfortable in the mattress.

President Obama signed an executive order Friday permitting the federal funding of embryonic stem cell research in labs. This is a big step forward. During the Bush administration scientists were limited to having Michael J. Fox date Nadya Suleman.

Mahatma Gandhi's eyeglasses, rice bowl and sandals were auctioned in New York Thursday for nearly two million dollars. Collectibles are like gold during recessions. Whenever there is inflation or a weak dollar, ballplayers who died early do very well.

British Prime Minister Gordon Brown gave Barack Obama a pen holder made of wood from the nineteenth century ship the HMS Gannet, which caught slave boats off the coast of Africa and freed the human cargo. Obama's gift to him was a DVD of Gone with the Wind. Gordon Brown is furious at MI-6 for not telling him that Obama was pro-slavery.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio