Argus Hamilton's column for 3-1-09

A sad note: I was so deeply saddened to hear of the loss of my good friend, broadcasting legend Paul Harvey, on Saturday. He will be missed. The airwaves will always feel a little emptier without him.

Condolences to his son, Paul Harvey, Jr., and to everyone who knew him and loved him.

--Argus Hamilton
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BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Michael Vick was scheduled Friday to be released from prison in May. The worm has turned. Just a year ago Michael Vick was reviled for arranging dogfights, and today he is admired as the last man in America who knows how to make money in a hurry.

Manny Ramirez negotiated with the Los Angeles Dodgers Friday for a performance-based contract. His demands may be unreasonable. If he strikes out two hundred times he wants the government to give him a ten-billion-dollar subsidy for being a windmill.

Hershey's reported a fifty percent rise in fourth quarter profits Friday along with a rise in liquor, tobacco and movie profits. It makes sense. Everyone is so looking for escape nowadays that the next face on Mount Rushmore may be Harry Houdini.

Charles Barkley was sentenced to ten days in jail Tuesday for drunk driving in Scottsdale. He can cut his sentence in half by taking an alcohol education class. That's where you read a book saying how drinking is bad for you, so you give up reading.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell gave himself a twenty percent pay cut Wednesday in New York. He also cut one hundred seventy jobs in the corporate office. Barney Frank tried to make him give up the Jets, but he bought him off with a nude team calendar.

White House economic guru Paul Volcker expressed anger Friday that no Treasury Department deputies have been named. It's understandable. The only guy with any experience who agrees with this government's policies is Mikhail Gorbachev, and he's nobody's deputy.

President Obama offered a budget of three trillion six hundred billion dollars Thursday. It includes two million for swine odor research and manure management. Summer is coming and they need to fix the air conditioning in the U.S. Capitol building.

Wall Street fell Thursday as President Obama proposed a trillion dollars in tax increases. This is war. Last week an Arab with a fuse coming out of his shoe walked right through an airport checkpoint while Homeland Security was frisking an investor.

President Obama decided Thursday to keep fifty thousand U.S. soldiers in Iraq permanently. It's a teachable moment. If we've learned anything, it's that it only takes six weeks of having your own helicopter to turn a community organizer into an emperor.

The U.S. Senate voted Thursday to give the District of Columbia a vote in the House. The U.S. Constitution says only states have a right to a vote in Congress. However, ever since George W. Bush put tape over the Constitution's mouth, nobody hears a word it says.

The State Department warned college students to avoid Mexico for spring break due to drug shoot-outs. Not to worry. Spring break wasn't going to draw the college kids to Mexico anyway, the big crowds are coming down in May for the Cali Cartel job fair.

Stevie Wonder performed songs at the White House Wednesday. What's great about being president is that you can get your favorite stars to sing live for you. The bad thing is that when they are accompanied by the Marine Band, everything sounds like a polka.

Huntington Beach surf shops reported Tuesday the recession has cut deeply into sales of boards, beachwear and wet suits. It's not all bad news. Surfers have never enjoyed such big crowds at the competitions with so many people sleeping on the beach.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio