Argus Hamilton's column for 2-8-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Tucson was outraged when a porno movie aired for half a minute during the Super Bowl broadcast. Community standards differ. In New York sex is a sport, in Paris it's an art, in Los Angeles it's a profession and in Washington D.C. it's a stimulus package.

The U.S. Senate worked all week to try to trim the fat off the economic stimulus bill. The bill is unbelievably expensive, it's possibly reckless and no one knows if it will lead to bankruptcy. This is the legislative equivalent of having octuplets.

Barry Bonds pleaded not guilty in federal court on Thursday to charges he lied to investigators about using steroids. It's so sad. If only they had given a urine test to mortgage-backed bonds instead of Barry Bonds, we wouldn't be where we are today.

Bobby Knight was reported Monday to be seeking the coaching job at the University of Georgia. In addition to being a college basketball broadcaster, he's also the pitchman for a Lubbock furniture store. If you buy the sofa, he'll throw in the chair.

David Beckham made plans Wednesday to leave the Los Angeles Galaxy and stay in Italy to play for Milan. He moved to Los Angeles and bought a house for twenty million dollars two years ago. He doesn't mind being booed but he won't be laughed at.

Bank of America revealed Thursday it's selling three of its nine corporate jets. It was a sad day. The bank didn't want to sell the aircraft but at the rate the stock is losing altitude even Sully Sullenberger couldn't have saved those planes.

The National Transportation Safety Board backed up Sully Sullenberger's story that both of his jet airliner engines were attacked by geese, forcing him to land in the Hudson River. The birds were roasted inside the jet engines. You knew when the Food Network decided to shoot on location that something bad was going to happen.

CIA Director nominee Leon Panetta faced criticism in his Senate hearings about the millions he took in speaking fees last year. He paid all the taxes he owed on the income. He's being criticized for ruining the curve for the rest of the cabinet.

Labor Secretary nominee Hilda Solis admitted Thursday that there's a sixty-five hundred dollar business tax lien against her husband. He had sixteen years of unpaid business taxes. This Easter President Obama is going to be on the White House lawn with all his cabinet secretaries and they're going to play hide-and-seek with the IRS.

President Obama's admission that he screwed up vetting cabinet appointees drew raves for his honesty Friday. The last president never admitted screwing up on the job. It took a DNA test to get the president before that to admit he screwed anything.

Illinois electronic freeway signs were hacked Friday to warn drivers a carpool lane was closed due to Nazi zombies and raptors. Some people got the prank. Everyone else just assumed it was Dick Cheney listing more reasons not to close Guantanamo.

President Obama signed a children's health insurance law on Wednesday and paid for it by slapping an additional sixty-cent federal tax on cigarettes. This is terrible. If cigarettes get any more expensive it's going to make crack cost-effective.

Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps resumed training in Baltimore on Thursday after his wild week in the tabloids. He was smoking pot at a party and someone got a picture of it. He knew that everyone's cellphone is a camera now, but he thought as long as he wasn't yelling the N-word in a comedy club, it wouldn't hurt his career.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio