Argus Hamilton's column for 2-3-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Los Angeles was buzzing about Iraqi-American Nadya Suleman of Whittier who gave birth to octuplets at Kaiser Hospital last week. She already had six children. When President Bush said he had freed the Iraqi people, some of them took it the wrong way.

US Airways pilot Sully Sullenberger is honored in a new video game called Hero on the Hudson. When he landed that airliner safely on the water he saved more lives than you know. The United pilot he was playing horse with decided to abandon the game.

Tom Cruise flew to Rio Saturday for the South American premiere of Valkyrie, in which he plays Colonel Klaus von Stauffenberg. He holds a press conference today in Brazil. He will be lucky if they don't throw shoes at him for trying to kill Hitler.

Roger Clemens's syringes were analyzed for performance-enhancing drugs Saturday at the nation's top doping lab. Everything is confidential. However, if anything tests positive he will be forced to give up his title as winner of the Kentucky Derby.

President Obama's younger brother George Obama was busted by Nairobi police in his native Kenya Friday for marijuana possession. He's living in a shack with no mortgage and he's high. Now that's the Obama who should be making our decisions for us.

Joe Torre ignited a firestorm among his old New York Yankees team when his new tell-all came out last week. He reveals who likes who, who hates who, and who has a crush on who. It is so adolescent even the pictures in the book are yearbook photos.

Deion Sanders was blamed in a new book for breaking up the Dallas Cowboys' last dynasty. The trouble started when he brought religion on the team. A religious civil war broke out between the guys who worship strippers and the guys who worship cocaine.

Whitey's Chili in Oklahoma recalled their chili under federal order as Georgia recalled all peanut products. You build up a resistance if you eat Southern food long enough. That's why there are still so many Confederate war widows hanging around.

The FDA began a criminal investigation Saturday into the salmonella poisoning from peanut butter products from the American Peanut Company in Georgia. Salmonella causes diarrhea and vomiting. Skippy's thinking of marketing itself as a weight-loss product.

Alaska's governor Sarah Palin was in Washington Saturday to address the highly exclusive Alfalfa Club. She really knows how to make headlines. She gave details of her energy independence plan and then announced that she's pregnant with octuplets.

The House passed a huge stimulus bill laden with pork Thursday. Now the Senate gets to add its pet projects. The reason that the nuclear bomb shelter for Congress is underneath an old cavalry fort in Maryland is so they'll never be far from a trough.

Iraq held local elections Saturday as Sunnis voted for the first time. Security was tight and everyone who voted left the polls with a purple ink-stained finger. If Minnesotans were this careful with their elections they would have a senator by now.

President Obama warned radio listeners on Saturday that economic recovery will take years, just one day after he said the economy was a continuing catastrophe. It's so sad. Ten days ago Barack Obama was so full of hope and today he's an air raid siren.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio