Argus Hamilton's column for 2-27-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Los Angeles octuplet mother Nadya Suleman got a million dollar offer Thursday to star in a porno movie. The producer wants her to do many of them. The taxpayers of Los Angeles absolutely refuse to allow it unless there is birth control on the set.

Tiger Woods got a hero's welcome Wednesday when he returned to the PGA Tour in Tucson. The stock market rose two hundred points his first hour on the course. The Treasury Secretary should ask Tiger's orthopedic surgeon if he knows how to fix banks.

Charles Barkley was sentenced to five days in jail Monday for getting arrested for drunk driving in Scottsdale. He was smashed. When the officer told him he was twice the legal limit, he thought that the girl he picked up was thirty-six years old.

Michael Jackson held an online auction of Neverland Ranch items Tuesday which included a knight's armor, a painting of him, and his old stage costumes. He has no choice but to leave the house. The neighbors no longer believe it is a junior high.

Fox News said Tuesday the chimp that mauled a Connecticut woman is seven times stronger than any man. Baseball owners took note. Chimps can hit homers, pass a steroids test, entertain the crowds during commercial breaks, and they work for peanuts.

Attorney General Eric Holder announced the arrests of seven hundred and fifty Mexican drug dealers operating out West Wednesday. The streets are overrun with people buying and selling drugs. They were all rounded up and arrested for capitalism.

President Obama promised Tuesday that his mortgage assistance program won't help undeserving homeowners. A lot of people took cash out of their houses to buy trips and cars and furniture and jewelry. The Price is Right almost went off the air trying to compete with the prizes Americans were winning with their home-equity loans.

US Airways pilot Sully Sullenberger got a huge ovation from Congress on Tuesday at the State of the Union. His constant public appearances are annoying. How many times do we have to be reminded that he can survive a crash and the rest of us can't?

Governor Bobby Jindal got bad reviews for his GOP response to the presidential address on Tuesday. He stared wide-eyed into the camera and spoke haltingly. The Republicans can now go back to being the party of rich white males and say they tried.

President Obama got generally good reviews on the quality of his speech to a joint session of Congress Tuesday in the U.S. Capitol. His nighttime speeches inspire, but his daytime speeches crash the markets. Mick Jagger can save capitalism if he can just teach Barack Obama to sleep until four in the afternoon like the rock star that he is.

NBC's Andrea Mitchell blamed the media Tuesday for not doing a good job explaining the president's economic plan to America. They've been trying. Cable news hosts think they know how to rescue banks just because ten years ago they were experts on perjury about sex.

George W. Bush will speak to Canadian businessmen in Calgary next month for his first paid speaking engagement. He's going to give speeches defending the decisions he made during his eight years in office. He's always had a gift for stand-up comedy.

The White House revealed plans to pull U.S. troops from Iraq by next year. Fifty thousand U.S. soldiers will be left in Iraq as non-combat troops. Everything hinges on getting the Iraqi government not prosecute them under international loitering laws.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio