Argus Hamilton's column for 2-22-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Bill Clinton said Friday that President Obama should speak more positively and optimistically about the economy. He always sounds cranky. The biggest mistake since the Smoot-Hawley tariff was electing a president who is trying to quit smoking.

The Academy Awards will air live from Hollywood Sunday on ABC. Due to a strike threat, many of these stars haven't worked in a year. The reason why grocery store produce is so expensive is because it is now being picked by English character actors.

French director Roman Polanski tried to resolve his past California conviction for sex with a minor. It occurred in the late Seventies in Jack Nicholson's hot tub. The hot tub was later donated to the Pentagon to aid in its germ warfare project.

Alex Rodriguez was blasted by Katie Couric Friday for lying to her about using steroids. He's facing a fierce backlash. Dick Cheney is thanking his lucky stars that he only cheated to take the nation to war and not to improve his home-run totals.

Bud Selig said Tuesday that he wants to meet with Alex Rodriguez about steroid use. So does the government. They're about to release the stimulus package and they want to know how many cc's they can inject into the economy without it growing breasts.

President Obama signed an environmental agreement while in Canada Thursday. We must become better stewards. Just imagine the millions of trees we could save if Democrats could balance a budget or if Republicans could keep the ball on the fairway.

Tiger Woods said Thursday he will return to the PGA Tour at the Accenture Match Play Championship in Tucson. He returns to a new world. Every time Tiger Woods shoots a birdie the government will add two strokes to his score to make sure it's fair for everyone else.

Tiger Woods' coach Hank Haney tried to fix Charles Barkley's famously bad golf swing in a new series called The Haney Project. It backfired. By the seventh lesson Hank Haney is drinking behind the wheel with a hooker he met in the casino on his lap.

Sidney Poitier delared Thursday he believes that all corporate salaries should be capped at five hundred thousand dollars a year. This is becoming insane. The only people less qualfied to manage the U.S. economy than politicians are out-of-work actors.

The White House said Friday it's still working on assessing which homeowners will be eligible for foreclosure assistance from the taxpayers. It's easy to tell who should get help. If they have new granite countertops in the kitchen and bathrooms, they're out.

President Obama removed his Oval Office bust of Winston Churchill and replaced it with a bust of Abe Lincoln. Everyone's upset. Busts in the Oval Office have been controversial ever since Kathleen Willey told the press what happened to her in there.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi flew a House delegation to Rome Tuesday aboard a U.S. government jet which costs taxpayers ten thousand dollars an hour. And why not? She's the highest ranking Italian-American in history to go to Italy who was not deported there.

Muzak filed for Chapter Eleven bankruptcy in a Delaware court last week. There is no need for soothing background orchestra music in a bank building's elevator during a run on the bank. The only thing anybody wants to play is the theme from Jaws.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio