Argus Hamilton's column for 2-19-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

New York Yankees star Alex Rodriguez held a news conference Tuesday to discuss his steroid use. He's a little late telling us which drug he took to give him such great numbers. If he'd told us in time, we could have put it in the stimulus package.

President Obama signed the stimulus law Tuesday minutes after Alex Rodriguez's press conference. He looked a little nervous. It's only a matter of time before somebody compares the photos of Barack Obama before he won Iowa and after he won Iowa.

Alex Rodriguez admitted taking the steroid primobolan six years ago at a press conference on Tuesday. He said the drug is legal over the counter in the Dominican Republic. So are thirteen-year-old girls, but that excuse didn't work for Roman Polanski.

Bud Selig insisted Monday that Major League Baseball tried to stop steroid use back in the Nineties. There's no question that the stuff works. Ten years ago St. Louis named an eight-lane freeway after Mark McGwire and today it's sixteen lanes wide.

Las Vegas went on alert Tuesday for blackjack players using an iPhone program which counts cards. The programmers wanted to guarantee that every time you bet, you're a winner. Before they wrote this program, they were mortgage brokers in Orange County.

The La Brea Tar Pits in Los Angeles yielded prehistoric bone fossils from the Ice Age Monday. The animals got stuck in the oil. Barack Obama's alternative fuels program could have saved them if only Congress had passed it forty thousand years ago.

President Obama flies to Canada today for top level meetings about Afghanistan border security and mutual trade. The country is our top energy partner. Canada is America's number-one supplier of oil and gas and wind if you don't count McDonald's.

President Obama removed a bust of Winston Churchill from the Oval Office where it sat for decades and returned it to the British Embassy. What an outrage. First he overthrows capitalism for socialism and now our mother country's going to be Kenya.

President Obama flew to Denver Tuesday to sign the economic stimulus bill into law at the Denver Museum of Nature and Science. He got a good look at the solar panels on the roof. He went up there for a smoke and he just happened to see them.

Bill Clinton spent the week doing TV interviews on all the cable shows to push his Global Initiative. It wasn't his idea. Hillary Clinton refused to go to Asia unless her husband stayed in front of a television camera the entire time she was gone.

Sarah Palin's daughter and new teenaged mother Bristol Palin told a TV interviewer on Tuesday that asking teenaged kids to abstain from sex isn't realistic. That's how cold it is in Alaska. If they shiver next to each other one of them gets pregnant.

New York Governor David Paterson proposed raising taxes on the sale of porno movie videos and DVDs Tuesday to help the state meet its budget. The governor is legally blind. People are always in favor of taxes on things that don't affect them.

Connecticut cops killed a pet chimp which attacked its owner's friend late Monday. The night before, a turkey buzzard forced down a private plane by smashing into the windshield, just weeks after Canadian geese crashed into the engines of a US Airways jet. Al Gore says it's evidence of global warming when animals become hot-headed.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio