Argus Hamilton's column for 2-17-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Los Angeles octuplet mom Nadya Suleman reportedly sold NBC the rights to video of her in the delivery room. She could get an endorsement deal out of this. Next Christmas the George Foreman Grill may be on the shelf next to the Nadya Suleman Popcorn popper.

Brett Favre retired to his cotton farm in Mississippi Tuesday after a long and storied NFL career. He's had enough. He played in Green Bay sixteen years and he played in New York for one year, and you can just take Lincoln's Birthday for so long.

Bud Selig said Thursday he might reinstate Hank Aaron's career home run record due to steroid revelations. It won't end there. If it turns out Bill Clinton was on Viagra, Andrew Johnson could regain his record as the only president ever impeached.

Alex Rodriguez was shown in photos Thursday drinking Gray Goose vodka with two party girls on his lap the night before his steroid admission. He is one reckless man. Hasn't he heard that geese have replaced al-Qaeda as America's top travel threat?

The Westminster Kennel Club treated its Best in Show dog Stump to a steak dinner at Grand Central. The Sussex spaniel is one of the most intelligent breeds. The ten-year-old dog is so smart he refused to eat the steak and insisted on grilled fish.

Las Vegas mayor Oscar Goodman demanded Wednesday that President Obama apologize for ripping banks who hold their conventions in Las Vegas. The hotels are suffering from huge cancellations. Right now the only person staying in Las Vegas is O.J. Simpson.

President Obama saw a play at Ford's Theater Thursday to mark Abraham Lincoln's two hundredth birthday. After the play he stood onstage in front of the actors and addressed the audience. This is no place for a president to turn his back to an actor.

President Obama said at Ford's Theater Thursday that President Lincoln would want Americans to work in a bipartisan way today. That's insane. Abe Lincoln's idea of bipartisan was for Sherman to attack from the North and Grant to attack from the West.

GOP Senator Judd Gregg withdrew as Commerce Secretary Friday because he didn't like the administration's policies. He said he was making the decision solely on principle. Two news channels refused to cover the story because it sounded like a hoax.

PI magazine said Monday the bad economy hurt Valentine's Day business for detectives. This used to be their busiest time of the year. The bottom fell out when wives realized it was a better deal to lose the house than to pay the detectives.

Hillary Clinton dispatched a delegation to India Thursday to mark the fiftieth anniversary of Dr. Martin Luther King's visit there. He was a great peacemaker. He may have prevented a war between India and Pakistan with his Don't Have a Cow speech.

Venezuela voters threatened to eat their ballots in the voting booth on Sunday to protest Hugo Chavez's referendum to stay in power. The dictator is being a good sport about it. He's ordered all the ballots to be coated with American peanut butter.

Michael Phelps was suspended for pot Friday before A-Rod admitted to steroids after John Daly was suspended for drinking and a year after Barack Obama admitted snorting coke. It never ends. The Puritans won't be happy until James Bond opens each movie by introducing himself to a roomful of people as a sex addict and an alcoholic.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio