Argus Hamilton's column for 2-15-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

The White House announced Thursday that President Obama will deliver his State of the Union address to Congress a week from Tuesday. He will begin his speech by saying the state of the union is strong. It's always a good idea to open with a joke.

President Obama hailed the stimulus bill's passage by the Senate Tuesday. What a close call. Right now the country is evenly divided between the people who are terrified of eating the poisoned peanut butter and the people who are shopping for it.

The Republican Party announced Thursday that Louisiana's Governor Bobby Jindal will deliver the GOP response to President Obama's State of the Union speech. He's a rising star in the GOP because he's not an old white guy. Old white guys are in such disrepute in America that God wants his name moved to the other side of the money.

Brett Favre retired Thursday after playing one year with the New York Jets. He wants to go home to Mississippi rather than take thirteen million dollars to play one more season. He doesn't feel right having a job in New York when no one else does.

New York Yankees owner Hank Steinbrenner issued a statement Wednesday on Alex Rodriguez's admission of steroid use. It was exactly what you'd expect. He forgave Alex Rodriguez for using steroids to have an MVP season with the Texas Rangers six years ago as long as he understands that the important thing is that he does it again.

Kellogg's was boycotted by marijuana activists Monday for firing Michael Phelps as their commercial spokesman because he smoked pot. Athletes are risky role models. It's why Tony the Tiger always tells his wife not to worry, he'll get his job back soon enough.

Mayor Oscar Goodman demanded President Obama apologize Thursday for denouncing banks that hold conventions in Las Vegas. It's bad. There have been so many cancellations in Las Vegas that Harry Reid had to slip a bailout for hookers into the stimulus package.

Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss halted plans for a male-staffed brothel in Nevada to service women. It didn't work. The business had the same problem that every other business in America is having, too many job applicants and not enough customers.

Nadya Suleman's NBC Dateline interview drew huge ratings Tuesday. The octuplet mom got an offer from an Indiana farmer to move in with him and his family. If she moves in with him, the state could get one more congressional seat in the next census.

Congress faced off against the nation's leading bankers in televised hearings last week. There was much screaming about wasted money, irresponsible actions, lavish perks and travel aboard corporate jets. The bankers really gave it to the congressmen.

Florida gun stores reported Thursday that ammunition is flying off the shelves in record amounts in Palm Beach. It's earth-friendly. The shooters intend to get the bullets back after they dissect Bernie Madoff, so they get a tax break for recycling.

Bernie Madoff's wife Ruth Madoff was found Wednesday to have withdrawn fifteen million dollars the night before his arrest for swindling investors out of fifty billion dollars. It's not that she knew what was coming. It's that her husband had just come to her with a can't-miss investment opportunity, and she was ready to go all in.

The U.S. Senate passed an economic stimulus plan Tuesday which includes millions to buy a government fleet of electric cars. They won't just be buying Chevy Volts and Ford Spirits, but Neighborhood Electric Vehicles. Senate Democrats were able to get three Republican votes by slipping in a federal contract for golf cart makers.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio