Argus Hamilton's column for 2-11-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

US Airways pilot Sully Sullenberger described his Hudson River landing on CBS' 60 Minutes on Sunday. The pilot said the rescue boat crews were the real heroes. They only had minutes to get to the passengers in the icy river before the lawyers did.

Alex Rodriguez admitted using steroids Monday a year after he denied it to Katie Couric. His image is ruined. He could break the all-time record for lying athletes and murder two ex-wives and a waiter and people will always say he did it on steroids.

President Obama had his first primetime press conference from the White House Monday. His eloquence was dazzling but he went an hour without getting one laugh. President Bush used to hire people to throw shoes at him to keep this from happening.

The Border Patrol reported Friday that its Texas border fence is only seventy miles from completion. Things have changed. Illegal aliens used to do the jobs Americans refused to do, and today the only job Americans refuse to do is baby-sitting octuplets.

Los Angeles octuplet mom Nadya Suleman offered her story to TV for two million dollars Monday. She's trying everything to get some quick cash. She even called President Obama and said she is in the biggest post-partum depression since the 1930s.

President Obama banged his head on the doorway of his Marine One helicopter on Monday as he was leaving for Florida. He must have hit it pretty hard. He spent the rest of the day on the line with Dick Cheney plotting the overthrow of Saddam Hussein.

Los Angeles hillside suburbs suffered mudslides Sunday following three days of pouring rain in Southern California. It made great television. They aired dramatic footage of houses sliding down and crashing and that was just on the Business Channel.

NATO attacked poppy farms in Afghanistan Monday to reduce terror funding. They make hundreds of millions of dollars off illegal drugs. We're just days away from al-Qaeda announcing they're going to manufacture cars and put Detroit out of business.

Osama bin Laden's niece was scheduled Monday to sing at a London nightclub later this month. She's working because her family is a little strapped for ready cash. Her uncle brought destruction and chaos to New York City and then his bonus check bounced.

President Obama flew to Indiana Monday where he addressed the people of unemployment-plagued Elkhart. They make recreational vehicles but business is way down. Their best customers disappeared when country music fans learned how to download their favorite singers for free.

The White House took control of the U.S. Census Friday, igniting a firestorm from Republicans who want each individual counted and Democrats who want sampling. Some neighborhoods are difficult to count. In Los Angeles the census takers go down Central Avenue in armored vehicles and order everyone to come out with their hands up.

Bill Clinton urged Democrats not to ruin their win with partisan behavior when he addressed a party retreat on Saturday. He said he learned that too much power can be a bad thing. The first thing that happens is the chicks won't leave you alone.

Sarah Palin was slammed by Ashley Judd for participating in the aerial hunting of wolves in Alaska. They reached a compromise. Sarah Palin will continue shooting wolves from a helicopter but she's agreed to stop playing Wagner over the loudspeaker.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio