Argus Hamilton's column for 2-1-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

The Lingerie Bowl, scheduled to be played today at a Florida nudist colony, was canceled. The models refused to play in front of nudists. Super Bowl Sunday is the one day of the year that no one wants to stare at any reminder of the sagging economy.

President Obama will host a Super Bowl party today for congressmen negotiating his stimulus bill. It's a working dinner. They have to repair the damage from last year's game, when Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae bet sixty billion dollars on New England.

Governor Rod Blagojevich delivered a closing argument in his own behalf at his impeachment trial before he was removed Thursday. He wanted to finish his term. In Illinois a governor serves for four years but with good behavior he can be out in two.

Wall Street firms reported giving their executives eighteen billion dollars in performance bonuses Thursday. How do they rate bonuses? Citibank had such a bad year that they will be picking ahead of the Detroit Lions in the NFL draft this April.

The California Energy Commission on Thursday demanded more energy-efficient TV sets. The flat screens have way too much electricity running through them. If you spill a beer on one of these new TV sets, only a call from the governor will save you.

The New York Times said Wednesday that Barry Bonds's urine tested positive for steroids other than the clear and cream he admitted using. That stuff ruined his life. Every time Barry Bonds walks into Hooters they smile and hand him an application.

Al Gore warned Congress Wednesday that any delay on global warming legislation will end up destroying polar life. He put on a compelling slide show. Apparently the mating ritual for penguins has been reduced to insincere chit-chat in the hot tub.

The Washington Post released a commemorative edition of their Inauguration Day edition after the original sold ten million copies. Newspaper sales have shot way up during this presidency. Just try sleeping on a park bench with a computer over you.

The Caribbean island nation of Antigua announced Wednesday it will rename the highest mountain on the island Mount Obama. It's entirely appropriate. After all, Barack Obama is America's first black president since the second season of Twenty-Four.

President Obama invited leaders of the House and Senate to the White House for cocktails Wednesday hoping to reach legislative agreement over drinks. It can't do any harm. Everyone agrees they couldn't spend any more money drunk than they did sober.

The House of Representatives on Wednesday passed its own version of a stimulus bill. They took out money for contraceptives and then they put in money for sexually transmitted diseases. It's only fair to give everybody a fighting chance for survival.

Saddam Hussein's hometown unveiled a sofa-sized statue honoring the shoe which was thrown at President Bush by Iraqi journalist Muntadhar al Zaida. He threw both his shoes. He might have won the Nobel Peace Prize if only he'd been a centipede.

George W. Bush went to Waco Wednesday to watch a women's basketball game between the Baylor Bears and the Oklahoma Sooners. The home crowd cheered him wildly. No one's done more for the Bears than he did when he refused to bail out Lehman Brothers.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio