Argus Hamilton's column for 1-30-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

The Super Bowl is played in Tampa Sunday at Raymond James Stadium. The stadium is named after a Wall Street investment firm. They would like to re-name it after someone with a less negative association, but Hitler Field is copyrighted in Argentina.

London's Wembley Stadium sold out its NFL game next fall in only seven minutes Tuesday. It's surprising that the world loves to watch Americans gain yards and lose yards then gain yards again. You'd think that the Iraq war would be more popular.

NBC pulled a Super Bowl ad by People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals that claims vegetarians make better lovers. It shows a lingerie-clad model simulating sex with a pumpkin. PETA has been overwhelmed with requests for her pumpkin pie recipe.

Tiffany's on Rodeo Drive began offering customers plain white sacks on Tuesday to allow them to hide their affluence as they walk in public. The customers were terribly grateful. If Congress sees what they're buying they might cancel the bailout.

Al Gore warned Congress Wednesday about the danger of global warming while ice storms knocked out power nationwide. This is insane. The only reason George W. Bush is the worst president in history is because Al Gore didn't get a chance at the title.

The Postal Service asked Congress for permission Thursday to end mail delivery service on Saturdays to try to cut costs. Why stop just Saturday? If they closed the entire Post Office no one would get their bills and the economy might recover.

Rush Limbaugh began a prairie fire of opposition to President Obama's stimulus bill Tuesday. Conservatives oppose all government meddling in the economy. If the government had not cracked down on identity fraud, Circuit City would still be in business today.

President Obama summoned corporate leaders to the Oval Office Wednesday to get them behind the stimulus bill. Everyone's preparing for a long, long recession. Boeing Aircraft announced a plan Tuesday to lay off workers who haven't been born yet.

President Obama worked hard to pass his economic stimulus bill Tuesday. Things appear dire. If the stimulus plan doesn't work, the recession could spiral into a depression, leaving us with no viable economic option but to declare war on Japan.

The House of Representatives passed a stimulus bill with no Republicans voting for it Wednesday. It included millions for sexually transmitted diseases. A lot of congressmen never fully paid off their debts to the estate of the Washington D.C. madam.

Osama bin Laden said Monday U.S. foreign policy caused the economic crisis. He's doing fine. Al-Qaeda is cash-heavy because the U.S. kept banks from accepting their money, making Osama bin Laden the favorite to win this year's Nobel Prize in Economics.

US Airways was sued by passengers on the plane that landed on the Hudson River two weeks ago when a flock of geese flew headfirst into the jet engines. It won't happen again. The geese regained their will to live after President Bush left office.

George W. Bush spent his first week out of office at his Crawford ranch, where he prepared to move into his suburban Dallas house. Texas took him back ten days ago. The woman who works at the returns window can't believe we bought him twice.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio