Argus Hamilton's column for 1-20-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

President Bush spent his last weekend as president at Camp David. Today movers will take all the Bush possessions out of the White House. This will take quite awhile when you consider the Bush possessions include Iraq and Kuwait and Afghanistan.

The Inaugural Parade today will feature volunteers following the horses to pick up their manure and make it into fertilizer. It's very rich this year. Between the sulfates, the nitrates, the hope and the change, this stuff will grow crops on a rock.

Barack Obama takes the oath of office at noon today. It's a big deal. MSNBC is portraying it as a New American Revolution, CNN is portraying it as a racial milestone, and Fox News made two million dollars selling Inaugural barf bags on their web site.

Barack Obama spent all weekend citing Abe Lincoln and evoking Jack Kennedy and referencing George Washington. He's so competitive. When the train conductor let him steer the Inaugural train Saturday he tried to land it safely on the Hudson River.

Barack Obama took a train ride from Philadelphia to Washington D.C. Saturday. It is the safest mode of transportation by far. If a Canadian goose decides to fly into a moving train the last thing that goes through his mind is the Santa Fe logo.

Canadian geese were vilified in New York Friday after a flock of them flew into an airliner's jet engines, forcing it to crash land. Everyone called for the mass killing of the birds. It's the first peaceful day Bernie Madoff has had in two months.

Captain Sully Sullenberger safely landed a U.S. Airways jet on the Hudson River Thursday after geese flew into the engines. New Yorkers raised money to build a statue of him. It will give the geese a chance to avenge the death of their relatives.

President Bush hailed Captain Sullenberger for the safe river landing on Thursday. He was impressed that the pilot was able to land successfully with his nose in the air. He always found that you have to talk like a cowboy and downplay your Connecticut roots.

Barack Obama becomes president today, giving Democrats control of the entire U.S. government. Hopes were sky high. Three million people descended on Washington to celebrate the last days of capitalism, only to find out they were three months too late.

Barack Obama vowed Saturday to take up the work of the Founding Fathers when he takes office. The Founding Fathers agreed to legalize slavery south of the Mason-Dixon line and Barack Obama promises to take up their work. Well, Nixon went to China.

Barack Obama will sit in the presidential box on Pennsylvania Avenue today and review the Inaugural Parade in his honor. The cameras will be on him for hours. This will be longest he's gone without a cigarette since he was in the sixth grade.

Israeli officials explained Saturday that they tried to minimize civilian casualties in Gaza. They even telephoned houses they were about to bomb, telling the residents to get out. Four hundred people were killed because they were on the Do Not Call list.

Barack Obama will be sworn into office today with his hand on a Bible. Using a Bible for the presidential oath of office is a tradition inherited from the use of a bible in the coronation of Britain's monarchs. Bush or Windsor or Obama, it's the one book that will always back you up if you're arguing for the divine right of kings.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio