Argus Hamilton's column for 1-18-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

President Bush gave a farewell speech to the country Thursday. He gave himself a lot of credit for keeping America safe for the last seven years. Thanks to his policies, airliners now crash into New York City with nothing but a few minor injuries.

A U.S. Airways jetliner landed safely in the Hudson River Thursday after it flew into a flock of geese. What a mess. Everyone just assumed the lead goose in the formation was trying to fake his own suicide after dropping everything on Wall Street.

U.S. Airways pilot Chesley Sullenberger made a miraculous landing in the Hudson River Thursday, averting tragedy. There was a delay getting everybody off the plane. The airline charges extra for water, and a lot of the passengers didn't have exact change.

New York Harbor crews rescued everybody on the floating U.S. Airways plane after it collided with a flock of Canadian geese on takeoff. It was very tense. Nobody got hurt, but Dick Cheney had to be physically restrained from declaring war on Canada.

Homeland Security was quick to state Thursday the U.S. Airways flight that crash-landed in the Hudson was not attacked by terrorists. Not everyone agreed. It's possible that al-Qaeda is so defeated that Osama bin Laden is having to train birds to attack America, promising each one of them seventy-two chicks when they get to heaven.

Treasury Secretary nominee Tim Geithner won't be sworn in on Inauguration Day because a back tax issue still has to be cleared up. It was an honest mistake. He thought that when you purchase an illegal immigrant maid online, you don't have to pay sales taxes.

New Jersey child protective services seized two kids whose parents named them after Adolf Hitler and Aryan Nations. Everyone says they're good students. They are the first kids to have their hands in the air each day, even if it's during the Pledge of Allegiance.

The U.S. Senate decided on Thursday to give the second half of the bailout money to Barack Obama. He'll have three hundred fifty billion to hand out to anyone he wants. If his wife has a shopping addiction, we are all going to find out about it now.

Barack Obama took a train from Philadelphia to Washington D.C. in tribute to Abe Lincoln. He wants to relive the Great Emancipator's dramatic trip through Virginia. He's going to follow Abe Lincoln's itinerary and wear one of Evel Knievel's jumpsuits.

Hillary Clinton said farewell to the Senate Thursday as she prepares to become Secretary of State. What a journey. In eight years Hillary Clinton has come from being the wronged woman in a sex scandal to the wronged woman in a presidential race.

Barack Obama was reported Tuesday to have selected a classic black silk tuxedo to wear to the ten Inaugural balls in his honor. Historians are worried. The last president who had ten balls led the nation into two wars and crashed the stock market.

Cadillac rolled out Barack Obama's new presidential limo Monday. The five-inch-armor-plated car can withstand a roadside bomb, a poison gas attack and gunfire. If we'd sent President Bush to invade Iraq personally we'd have been out of there by now.

President Bush in his farewell speech on Thursday warned of future dangers and spoke of a struggle between two dramatically different systems. He said under one system, a small band of fanatics demand total obedience to an oppressive ideology. It was the wrong time for Vice President Cheney and his staff to stand up and take a bow.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
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Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio