Argus Hamilton's column for 1-1-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy New Year, and how's everybody?

Enjoy part two of our three-part look back at things that made us laugh in 2008.

MAY - The New York Times reported Sunday that John McCain's aides once suspected him of having an affair with a beautiful woman lobbyist. The senator laughed it off. He has reached the age where all the numbers in his little black book are for urologists.

Modern Bride advertised a men's watch that buzzes every year a week before the wedding anniversary. There's also a new card on the market for guys who forget their anniversary. It's small, it's personalized and it maxes out at five thousand dollars.

U.S. Marines refused a request to burn poppy crops in Afghanistan Friday, stating they are in the country to fight the Taliban, not opium. It's insubordination. They swore an oath when they signed up to follow the dope no matter where he deploys them.

JUNE - President Bush suggested in Egypt Sunday that Americans should drive more fuel-efficient cars. Not everyone is sold on the idea. The other night a pedestrian in West Hollywood was hit by a Prius and he had to go to the hospital and get it removed.

Barack Obama could clinch the nomination over Hillary Clinton if he sweeps the primaries Tuesday. What an amazing feat. It would be the first time a black man ever beat a white woman and didn't need an L.A. jury to keep from going to prison for it.

Senator John McCain launched his general election campaign with a speech in New Orleans Tuesday before hundreds of Republican supporters. The senator still needs to work on his delivery. Wilfred Brimley gets more applause selling diabetes supplies.

JULY - Saudi Arabia had a summit Friday to discuss how to reduce high oil prices. Gas is so expensive in L.A. that stations have TV monitors at all pumps. They should run porno movies on them so that you can watch someone else getting screwed while you are.

President Bush tours Iowa today where half the homes are flooded. The water is contaminated with fertilizer and soil additives and pesticides. Next year when corn grows out of linoleum it will be the signature achievement of the Bush administration.

San Francisco will name their sewage treatment plant after President Bush this fall if a ballot measure passes. Don't miss the tour. Inside the plant will be an exhibit demonstrating the difference between weapons of mass destruction and Shinola.

AUGUST - President Bush urged Congress Monday to pass offshore drilling with the nation solidly behind the idea. We aren't about to change our lifestyles. The day before, Detroit introduced a six hundred horsepower Corvette which runs on ground-up Priuses.

President Bush attended an evangelical church in Beijing Sunday. The church is apocalyptic in its vision. The grass on the lawn is two feet high because the church is so convinced the end is near they haven't paid the landscaper in six months.

Michael Phelps will fly to England Tuesday to promote the next Summer Olympics in London. He has challengers. Next week Michael Phelps and Barack Obama will race across the Sea of Galilee, with Michael Phelps in the water and Barack Obama on foot.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio