Argus Hamilton's column for 12-31-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy New Year, and how's everybody?

It's time for our annual look back at the year in jokes. Here's part one, come back tomorrow and Friday for parts two and three.

JANUARY - President Bush proposed tax rebates Friday to hold up a sinking U.S. economy. It wasn't all bad news. For years President Bush said terrorists hate America because of our freedom and prosperity and today they have to think of a new reason to hate us.

The Directors Guild reached a deal with producers Tuesday, avoiding the fate of the Writers Guild. It only took six days. It's no surprise Hollywood directors got everything they wanted because it says right on their business cards that they're God.

Mike Huckabee is searching for the Michigan lady who gave him her grandmother's wedding ring last week because she had no money to donate to him. What a prince. Mike Huckabee's trying to find her so he can remind her that everyone has two grandmothers.

FEBRUARY - Britney Spears was taken from UCLA Hospital's psychiatric ward to the Beverly Hills Hotel. It's so sad. The writers' strike has so crippled the local economy that the Beverly Hills Hotel is having to house mental patients to keep the doors open.

John McCain aired new ads touring his national security platform Friday. Young voters will recoil at his vow to expand the war in Iraq and remain indefinitely. Nothing's scarier than a seventy-two-year-old man who's willing to die for his country.

John Edwards withdrew from the Democratic presidential race Thursday. He badly miscalculated when he vowed to be the candidate for the little people. Next time he is going to be the candidate for the people tall enough to reach the voting levers.

MARCH - Barack Obama delivered an eloquent speech on race in America Tuesday. He tried to heal America's racial divide by talking about himself for thirty-five minutes. Hillary Clinton cannot believe she is running against a photo-negative of her husband.

Sir Paul McCartney reached an agreement Tuesday to pay Heather Mills McCartney fifty million dollars cash plus seventy-five thousand a year for child support to finally settle their divorce. They also agreed to split the house. He gets the outside.

Hillary Clinton declined comment Thursday on New York Governor Eliot Spitzer's prostitute scandal. She had recruited his support at the Democratic convention. Hillary couldn't have picked a more embarrassing superdelegate if she had married him.

APRIL - ABC News aired a debate between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton Wednesday. It was the Democratic party's twenty-first debate. No one wants to say it feels like this presidential campaign will never end but the debates are now old enough to drink.

The New York Yankees refused to let Pope Benedict use his popemobile on Yankee Stadium grass at Sunday's mass. It shows a lack of reverence. The pope's got some nerve wanting to drive a car on the ground where Mantle, DiMaggio and Ruth once stood.

John Adams premiered Sunday as a weekly HBO mini-series. You can't make it up. When John Adams started a revolution over a ten-cent tax he never dreamed that someday Americans would have to pay a hundred dollars a month to see a drama about it.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-30-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Barack Obama was voted the Most Admired Man in America Friday and Hillary Clinton was named Most Admired Woman, however Sarah Palin finished right behind them. It sums up the nation's current mood. If hope and forgiveness don't work, get the gun.

New England Patriots star Tom Brady proposed to supermodel Gisele Bundchen on Friday. There's certainly nothing shallow about this relationship. The prenuptial agreement specifies the marriage is null and void if either one of them gains a pound.

Philadelphians were startled by gunshots in a movie theater on Christmas Day. One man shot and wounded another man for talking during the movie. You knew that when Tom Cruise decided to portray a Nazi war hero, it wasn't going to draw the Batman audience.

Barack Obama's vacation home lost power from lightning strikes in Hawaii late Friday. It tested his coolness during an emergency. Everyone was hoping the new president could handle three hours without SportsCenter better than the last one did.

Cocaine Cowboys will be made into an HBO series based on the hit documentary about the drug and disco era, with actors playing the drug kings. However, the clock is ticking on producers. Filming has to be completed before Texas Stadium is imploded.

Sarah Palin's nine-month pregnant daughter's future mother-in-law was arrested in Alaska for selling OxyContin out of her house. Her boy will marry the daughter in mid-January. The wedding will take place at his family home, wherever it's parked.

The New York Bar Association reported Friday that Wall Street woes are causing law firms to go out of business. A lot of people are switching careers. Due to the economic downturn Santa Claus no longer brings gifts to houses, he's a contract killer.

Wall Street set up a hotline for brokers and investors to phone for counseling if they feel overwhelmed by recent losses. Hedge fund managers say it's worse than divorce. They're worth half of what they used to be worth, and they are still married.

President Bush interceded when India and Pakistan threatened war Saturday. He's only too glad to help. Despite Iraq, the financial crisis, the real estate crash, the oil slide and the fall of the U.S. auto industry, he's not about to rest on his laurels.

India officials said Saturday Pakistan can lessen tensions by clamping down on terrorism. It's against their grain. At the World Cricket Cup the Pakistan team was beaten by three wickets and they still wouldn't tell Dick Cheney where Osama bin Laden is hiding.

Governor Rod Blagojevich threatened to subpoena nationally prominent Democrats if he's impeached for trying to sell a Senate seat. He was caught on tape fixing the price. The state license plate should advertise Illinois as the Land of Franklins.

NASA announced plans Thursday to begin sending unmanned spacecraft to re-supply the International Space Station next year. There's no reason to risk lives when it's not necessary. They can't afford to lose any more astronauts to the Lover's Triangle.

John Lennon appealed for donations in a commercial for One Laptop Per Child on Friday, twenty eight years after he was killed. The producers used digital technology to duplicate the Beatle's exact image and voice. In the next commercial he warns all the children that if they use the laptops to download his songs he will haunt them.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-29-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Valkyrie opened Friday about a German war hero who tried to kill Hitler. Close calls were the week's theme. Hitler survived a suitcase bomb, Nixon survived an interview with Frost, and George W. Bush survived two attempts on his life by Florsheim.

The New York Times reports that alcohol was served at Texas recruiting parties for high school football star Jamarkus McFarland. So what? You can't ban alcohol in college football recruiting or ban wine at Holy Communion, it's an issue of religious freedom.

St. John the Divine Cathedral in Brooklyn reopened on Christmas Day, eight years after the historic Episcopal Church landmark burned down. The sanctuary is two football fields long. No church gives the bride and groom longer to think things over.

J.C. Penney called and woke up shoppers in the middle of the night Friday to get them to come to their Day-After-Christmas Sale. It was a bad idea. When Hillary Clinton's telephone rang at three in the morning she ordered the invasion of Pakistan.

India was accused by Pakistan of threatening an invasion Friday, causing world concern about a nuclear war on the subcontinent. It looks bad. Everyone who got a new computer for Christmas has just seven days to get through to technical support.

White House physician Richard Tubb examined President Bush for a sore shoulder Monday. He started out years ago as Bill Clinton's White House doctor. He learned a president's success or failure often depends on the timely icing down of body parts.

The Washington Post reports the CIA has begun giving Viagra to Afghan warlords in exchange for information about the Taliban. It's caused a major uproar in Washington. People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is protesting the policy as cruel to sheep.

General Motors Acceptance Corporation got approval Friday to become a bank holding company, giving GMAC access to bailout money. The bank may already be in financial trouble. The new calendar that they send to all their customers just goes until February.

The National Retail Federation asked for bailout money Friday like the banks and stockbrokers and automakers and insurers got. Yesterday somebody drew a plus sign on side of the Treasury Building. Hobos have always marked houses that will feed anybody.

Barack Obama began a debate on sports talk radio by calling for college football playoffs to replace the bowl system. Let's hope it stops there. For eight years we have had a president who views the world as one giant elimination tournament.

Dick Cheney gave an interview Friday defending the wars in the Middle East. He's nothing if not consistent. A day after the Iraqi journalist threw his shoes at President Bush in Baghdad, Dick Cheney acccused Iran of trying to develop a nuclear hiking boot.

The Sarah Palin 2009 wall calendar was reported to be the top-selling office supply item on Amazon this year. She wields a shotgun in the photos. Tina Fey just got approved for a loan to buy a Mideast country because she's going to have steady work for the rest of her life.

Queen Elizabeth gave her annual Christmas Day address Thursday. This speech is the only time all year that Her Majesty gets to voice her opinion without government approval. Ever since Laura Bush performed mother-in-law jokes at the White House Correspondents Dinner there's been an international crackdown on women at microphones.
HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Valkyrie opened Friday about a German war hero who tried to kill Hitler. Close calls were the week's theme. Hitler survived a suitcase bomb, Nixon survived an interview with Frost, and George W. Bush survived two attempts on his life by Florsheim.

The New York Times reports that alcohol was served at Texas recruiting parties for high school football star Jamarkus McFarland. So what? You can't ban alcohol in college football recruiting or ban wine at Holy Communion, it's an issue of religious freedom.

St. John the Divine Cathedral in Brooklyn reopened on Christmas Day, eight years after the historic Episcopal Church landmark burned down. The sanctuary is two football fields long. No church gives the bride and groom longer to think things over.

J.C. Penney called and woke up shoppers in the middle of the night Friday to get them to come to their Day-After-Christmas Sale. It was a bad idea. When Hillary Clinton's telephone rang at three in the morning she ordered the invasion of Pakistan.

India was accused by Pakistan of threatening an invasion Friday, causing world concern about a nuclear war on the subcontinent. It looks bad. Everyone who got a new computer for Christmas has just seven days to get through to technical support.

White House physician Richard Tubb examined President Bush for a sore shoulder Monday. He started out years ago as Bill Clinton's White House doctor. He learned a president's success or failure often depends on the timely icing down of body parts.

The Washington Post reports the CIA has begun giving Viagra to Afghan warlords in exchange for information about the Taliban. It's caused a major uproar in Washington. People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is protesting the policy as cruel to sheep.

General Motors Acceptance Corporation got approval Friday to become a bank holding company, giving GMAC access to bailout money. The bank may already be in financial trouble. The new calendar that they send to all their customers just goes until February.

The National Retail Federation asked for bailout money Friday like the banks and stockbrokers and automakers and insurers got. Yesterday somebody drew a plus sign on side of the Treasury Building. Hobos have always marked houses that will feed anybody.

Barack Obama began a debate on sports talk radio by calling for college football playoffs to replace the bowl system. Let's hope it stops there. For eight years we have had a president who views the world as one giant elimination tournament.

Dick Cheney gave an interview Friday defending the wars in the Middle East. He's nothing if not consistent. A day after the Iraqi journalist threw his shoes at President Bush in Baghdad, Dick Cheney acccused Iran of trying to develop a nuclear hiking boot.

The Sarah Palin 2009 wall calendar was reported to be the top-selling office supply item on Amazon this year. She wields a shotgun in the photos. Tina Fey just got approved for a loan to buy a Mideast country because she's going to have steady work for the rest of her life.

Queen Elizabeth gave her annual Christmas Day address Thursday. This speech is the only time all year that Her Majesty gets to voice her opinion without government approval. Ever since Laura Bush performed mother-in-law jokes at the White House Correspondents Dinner there's been an international crackdown on women at microphones.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-28-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

The Detroit Lions take the field today with the chance to become the first NFL team in history to lose all sixteen of their games. Talk about overpaid. The only people in Detroit who had a lousier year and made more money were the auto executives.

Federal Express blamed the economy Tuesday when they canceled their Super Bowl ads. It's not that bad. It's true that a lot of people are going barefoot in America but at least they've enjoyed the satisfaction of throwing something at President Bush.

Mexico beauty queen Laura Zuniga was arrested for gun smuggling Monday. There was a translation problem. When Mexican police said she was packing a pair of thirty-eights, Americans didn't know if she was armed or had won the bathing suit competition.

New York Giants suspended star Plaxico Burress' house was raided Monday by cops who seized the pants he wore when he accidentally shot himself. There's a logical explanation for the raid. The cops have plans to start a chain of restaurants called Planet Idiot and these pants will be the first item of memorabilia on the wall.

Caroline Kennedy was slammed by New York Democrats Wednesday who whisper she's a royalist. She's trying to get more connected to the concerns of ordinary people. After her recent listening tour she promised to allow male suffrage throughout Camelot.

Barack Obama arranged Monday to be sworn into office at the Inaugural with Abe Lincoln's Bible. It has parables of Jesus urging slaves to be productive. Barack Obama promised he'll put Americans back to work but he didn't say we'd get paid for it.

Wall Street swindler Bernie Madoff was put under house arrest Friday until his trial. He'll soon be sent to prison and get his room and meals at state expense. Many of his investors have called the judge and offered to serve the sentence for him.

Bill Clinton took questions at an Apollo Theater event in Harlem on Sunday. He said he's willing to do anything to help his wife become Secretary of State. The padlock on his zipper has been tough on his bladder but it gives his face great color.

Hillary Clinton declared in Chicago last week that the era of cowboy diplomacy is over in U.S. foreign affairs. North Korea can't wait until she's in charge of enforcing nuclear treaties. There's already a statue of her in Little Rock looking the other way.

Dick Cheney was exposed Thursday as responsible for the leak of Valerie Plame's CIA identity. It was revenge against her husband, who blew the whistle on the false pretext for war in Iraq. It would be nice if we could have one administration that didn't end with the shredder overheating.

Dick Cheney defended the Iraq war policy in an interview Tuesday but hinted we didn't go far enough. His friends say he wanted to invade Iran. When his attorney forced him to give up hunting, the need to shoot something migrated to foreign policy.

Iran's president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was allowed by British television to give a Christmas address. He was uncharacteristically humble. Thanks to the collapse of oil prices even Vladimir Putin's gone back to wearing halter tops in his photo shoots.

Queen Elizabeth gave her Christmas Day broadcast to the world from Buckingham Palace. She has skillfully ducked the recent financial catastrophes. Whenever the U.S. Treasury Secretary refers to England as the Mother Country, she demands a DNA test.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-26-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

President Bush issued nineteen pardons Tuesday, forgiving drug dealers and embezzlers and counterfeiters and people who lied to the Department of Housing. That wasn't the worst of it. He also gave them a seven hundred billion dollar bailout.

Vladimir Putin's shirtless photo defeated Barack Obama's shirtless photo in an online poll Monday. The Russian won by two to one. We should have known the country was leaning this way when the government took over the banks and nobody said anything.

The Dallas Cowboys had a postgame show with Roger Staubach after the last game in Texas Stadium. Half the crowd had already walked out in disgust after the Cowboys lost the game. It's the last time Roger Staubach will ever try to follow prop comedy.

Sarah Palin told Human Events magazine on Monday that her biggest regret as a candidate was not giving enough interviews. Every time she did an interview, Saturday Night Live got two weeks of material out of it. At the rate Sarah Palin is going she could replace Wall Street regulation as America's funniest running joke.

Oprah Winfrey booked the Royal Suite at the Four Seasons in Washington for the Inaugural weekend at a cost of fifteen thousand dollars per night. She won't like it. The hotel is so exclusive that television stars have to use separate drinking fountains.

New York Congressman Gary Ackerman accused Caroline Kennedy's promoters Sunday of shielding her like she's Sarah Palin. It's unfair. One's from a dysfunctional family whose kids are all out of control while the other one's the governor of Alaska.

Washington D.C. big band leader Bob Hardwick was chosen Monday to perform at his sixth presidential Inaugural Gala at the Renaissance Hotel. He left a successful career in banking to be a bandleader. Sooner or later they all have to face the music.

The Auto Club said Tuesday that gas prices reached their lowest point in five years. In addition to crashing the housing and stock markets and letting Louisiana drown, President Bush has now crippled the economies of Oklahoma and Texas. If Jefferson Davis had done this much damage to the Union the South would've won the war.

Reverend Pat Robertson blasted the Bush administration in a CNN interview this week. He's wasting his time with the 700 Club. Any guy who thinks that hurricanes are caused by Gay Day at Disney World should have his own show on the Weather Channel.

Condi Rice urged all nations Tuesday to battle Somali pirates operating off the coast of Africa. The pirates take what they want by force and demand ransoms, then they use the cash for parties in Mogadishu with cocaine and beer and chicks. Somalia has only two postage stamps, one shows young Elvis and the other shows young President Bush.

Bernie Madoff remained under house arrest after he admitted to swindling fifty billion dollars. It's not the end of the world. He could get his time in prison reduced for his work as a history teacher, lecturing other prisoners on how the pyramids were built.

Joe Biden began touting the new administration stimulus package Monday. He was asked by the president-elect to be his personal emissary to the middle class. It has long been a tradition that the vice president represent the president at funerals.

Barack Obama took his family to Hawaii for the Christmas holiday. The president-elect's chief of staff decided to spend his Christmas vacation in Africa. That birth certificate has to be somewhere.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-25-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Merry Christmas, and how's everybody?

Barack Obama strolled the beaches in Hawaii on his vacation Tuesday. He didn't have a chance to miss Chicago. He wasn't in Honolulu for two days when Governor Rod Blagojevich tried to sell his beach chair to Jesse Jackson Jr. for one million dollars.

The Baydan Shoe Company of Turkey got three hundred thousand orders Monday for the shoes the Iraqi reporter threw at President Bush. What a response. The casting call just went out in Detroit for any man strong enough to throw a Buick at President Bush.

Pope Benedict issued an edict from Rome on Tuesday urging the church to oppose homosexuality and gay rights. It's completely unnecessary. If the pope wants to give the invocation at the Inaugural he doesn't have to showcase, he just has to call.

Tina Fey was named Entertainer of the Year on Monday over Robert Downey Jr. and Heath Ledger. A Sarah Palin impersonator beat a superhero with a drug problem and a dead Joker. Apparently the Great Depression has already begun in the entertainment industry.

Paris Hilton's house was burglarized of jewelry Friday, and within days a nearby model's home and a publicist's home were burglarized for jewelry. It's the economy. Repo men in Hollywood dress up like burglars to allow the stars to keep their dignity.

Lance Armstrong got rousing encouragement from Bill Clinton Tuesday as the Tour de France star resumes racing. How inspiring. He never lost a race despite career-threatening testicular problems, while Lance Armstrong has a similarly inspiring story.

Hillary Clinton on Monday forgave herself thirteen million dollars she lent to her own campaign after forgiving her husband his many legendary indiscretions. She is so frustrated. She forgives and forgives and the media still thinks Obama is Jesus.

The Dow Jones fell for the fifth straight day Tuesday on more bad news. It got so bad that cable business channel anchors were counseling viewers that it's only money. Apparently the number of suicides is starting to affect their advertising rates.

The White House released the annual gift list Monday, showing that Arab leaders gave Condi Rice hundreds of thousands of dollars in jewelry last year. Her timing was good. Now that oil is down to thirty-five dollars a barrel, everybody gets candy.

Joe Biden insisted Tuesday there's been no inappropriate contact between Barack Obama and Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich. It's true. The governor only delivered a pizza to Barack Obama, and there was a witness present in the office the whole time.

Wall Streeter Bernie Madoff was under tight security in his apartment on Park Avenue Tuesday after he swindled his friends and clients out of fifty billion dollars. Police are worried someone may try to kill him. If he turns up dead, the Columbo episode would be nine-and-a-half years long just to fit in all the suspects.

Barack Obama was photographed strolling bare-chested on the beach in Hawaii on Tuesday in swimming trunks. The Secret Service constructed a seaweed barricade one hundred yards out. They're terrified there might be whitefish who resent his election.

The New York Yankees reportedly signed free agent slugger Mark Teixeira to a one hundred and eighty million dollar contract on Tuesday. He ended up with the Yankees by default. The Angels refused to offer him enough money to wreck Madonna's marriage.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-24-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Oklahoma Sooners coach Bob Stoops hinted Monday that OU may play in the Dallas Cowboys' new stadium this fall. They'd play Brigham Young. If there's one thing you can count on with these two schools it's that there won't be a gay wedding at halftime.

The Dallas Cowboys lost Saturday in their final football game at Texas Stadium after forty years. They move to their new stadium next fall. Texas Stadium will be imploded just as soon as it gets approval from regulators to become a commercial bank.

President Ronald Reagan's favorite White House egg nog recipe turned up on the Internet this week. It's one part egg nog and three parts bourbon. The Gipper always believed in peace through strength.

Barack Obama was seen on news clips swinging a golf club in Hawaii Monday. He's kept a Republican Defense Secretary, he's named a conservative economic team, he's asked an evangelical to give his Inaugural invocation, and now he's playing golf. The Dwight D. Eisenhower Library just announced that Ike was our first black president.

Congressman Barney Frank slammed Barack Obama for inviting a pastor opposed to gay marriage to pray at the Inaugural. The president-elect met him halfway. He's agreed to take the oath of office with his left hand on a copy of The Paul Lynde Story.

Pastor Rick Warren was chosen to give the Inaugural prayer in January. He has a huge evangelical church in Orange County. You can't scare people in Southern California with descriptions of hellfire, it sounds like just another October to them.

Governor Rod Blagojevich told Chicago reporters Friday he is innocent of corruption charges against him. The man dresses beautifully. All Illinois governors wear pinstripe suits so they never have to bring a change of clothing into prison.

Wall Street crook Bernie Madoff was placed under house arrest Friday after confessing to swindling people out of fifty billion dollars. He took money from new investors to pay off old investors, hoping nobody would notice. It's an old scam called Social Security.

The White House loaned GM and Chrysler seventeen billion in bailout cash to keep them afloat. One thing you must say for Detroit. U.S. auto executives didn't waste their time with a third-rate nation like Iraq, they lost to Japan and Germany like men.

Dick Cheney ripped Joe Biden Sunday for criticizing his expansion of executive power. He said there are no limits on power in wartime. The Founding Fathers should have foreseen that the World Trade Center might not have a back-up sprinkler system.

Saudi Arabia's rulers lifted a thirty-year-old ban on movies Monday. They said movies must show good and not violate Islamic law. The first movie they allowed to be shown was Exodus, but they had to run it backwards so it would have a happy ending.

Valkyrie opens Thursday starring Tom Cruise about the German war hero who tried to kill Hitler with a bomb. He won the role after another actor bowed out. Part of Mel Gibson's plea agreement with the Malibu judge is that he never plays a Nazi again.

NBC News anchor Chris Matthews reportedly decided Monday to stay on television and not run for the U.S. Senate seat in Pennsylvania. He doesn't have what it takes to win a statewide election. Once you've said on national television that Barack Obama makes you feel a thrill up your leg, you can pretty much write off the rural counties.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-23-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

The Dallas Cowboys played their last game in Texas Stadium Saturday after four decades. What a cast of massive egos. Last week when the Iraqi journalist threw two shoes at President Bush, Terrell Owens complained that he was wide open on both plays.

Entourage star Jeremy Piven walked off his Broadway play Wednesday, infuriating producers. He said he has high levels of mercury in his body from eating too much sushi. He's decided to come back to L.A. for an emergency stay at the Betty Fish Center.

Caroline Kennedy had lunch with Al Sharpton at a soul food restaurant in Harlem Thursday. They share a bond. Al Sharpton runs an outfit called the National Action Network, and John F. Kennedy had a little black book called the National Action Network.

Wall Street swindler Bernie Madoff was placed under house arrest Thursday. His crimes left a lot of people embarrassed. We have cameras at street corners, cameras at the banks, cameras at the ATMs and nobody saw a guy stealing fifty billion dollars.

Sarah Palin's future in-law Sherry Johnston was arrested on Friday, reportedly for selling crystal meth. Her son's promised to marry Sarah's nine-month pregnant daughter. It is good to know that in a state where all the ice is melting you can always make more.

Pastor Ted Haggard will talk on HBO about getting fired by his church after he got caught smoking crystal meth with a male hooker. His congregation was livid. They were paying him enough to be doing cocaine and they want to know where the money went.

Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich shrugged off corruption charges Saturday and issued twenty-two Christmas pardons to criminals in the state prison. He's always thinking. If he can issue enough of these, he won't have to share a cell with anybody.

The U.S. and Britain sent ships to the Gulf of Aden to battle the Somali pirates Friday. It's about time. If Somalis wonder who controls the seas and how long they have controlled the seas, they only have to ask themselves why dolphins understand English.

Barack Obama was urged by gays to disinvite Pastor Rick Warren from praying at his Inaugural. He's pastor of a huge Orange County evangelical church. He doesn't have to be opposed to same-sex marriage, but he doesn't want to sell Amway door-to-door.

Pastor Rick Warren told NBC's Dateline he wants to have sex with every beautiful woman he meets but he controls himself. That's a confession. An interviewer with a better ear would have followed up by asking him to list his favorite Broadway musicals.

President Bush loaned Chrysler and General Motors seventeen billion dollars of bailout money Friday to carry them through March. He doesn't want his presidency to end with the fall of the American auto industry. Some guys have no ear for poetry.

The White House angered environmentalists Tuesday by offering oil leases for sale in Utah. Environmentalists are very cranky lately. They've been trying for decades to halt all real estate development in America and Wall Street did it in five minutes.

U.S. Congressman William Jefferson will be replaced by a Republican next month after he was arrested for having ninety thousand dollars in cash in his freezer. Today he looks like the smartest money manager in America. Just think of all the Jewish charities that would still be solvent today if they'd invested with William Jefferson.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-22-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

The New York Yankees signed two pitchers for two hundred and forty-two million dollars last week. Great pitchers are worth their weight in diamonds. California could end its budget problems if they could find a way to put Sandy Koufax out to stud.

The Weather Channel reports that a cold front hit New York City Friday, dumping heavy snowfall and record low temperatures. The entire Eastern Seaboard was snowed in. Fur protesters on Fifth Avenue were having to watch their paint freeze in mid-air.

Caroline Kennedy embarked on a listening tour of upstate New York on Wednesday where she was swarmed by fans and well-wishers and supporters. It's a good civics lesson to the Illinois voters. A U.S. Senate seat is not a sales item, it's a birthright.

Barack Obama said Friday that America's education system must begin preparing children for the high paying jobs of the future. The training's already begun. At malls across America kids are sitting on Santa's lap practicing to be auto executives.

Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was defiant before reporters Friday, claiming he's innocent of all criminal wrongdoing charges filed against him. The press conference was packed. He made eight hundred dollars just selling the front-row seats.

Governor Rod Blagojevich was reported to have mob ties back when he was a bookie in Chicago. Illinois lawmakers and the U.S. attorney are fighting over the audiotapes. The difference between the Mafia and the government is that one of them is organized.

Iraqi journalist Muntazer al-Zeidi begged for a pardon Friday for his behavior at last Sunday's press conference in Baghdad. He fears how long he might remain in jail for throwing two shoes at President Bush. So far the only charge is littering.

The White House decided to loan General Motors and Chrysler seventeen billion dollars Friday, upping the deficit. Many are angry over the rapid deterioration of the U.S. dollar. North Korea just threatened to begin counterfeiting Monopoly money.

The New York Times said evangelical churches have gotten a huge rise in weekly attendance since the financial crisis began. People go for the moment of general prayer. It's when they pray for General Motors and General Foods and General Electric.

Barack Obama angered supporters Friday by asking evangelical Reverend Rick Warren to pray at the Inaugural. He upholds the Old Testament's ban on homosexuality. If you have never read the Old Testament it's a lot like golf, there's lots of rules and no mercy.

Wall Street swindler Bernie Madoff was ordered Friday to twenty-four-hour home confinement. It had been twelve hours. The judge ordered him to stay inside his apartment around the clock because he kept getting the doorman to give him two tens for a five.

Watergate legend and FBI agent Mark Felt died at age ninety-five Friday. After decades of silence he admitted he was Deep Throat, who informed on President Nixon. He had a lot of nerve claiming to be Deep Throat when all he ever blew was the whistle.

President Bush gave a series of interviews last week to dictate his legacy to historians. We're in two unfinished wars, teetering on the brink of a Great Depression, and we're in debt until the universe explodes. In a nod to the tough economic times, he told the Treasury Secretary Friday he does not expect a Christmas bonus this year.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-21-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Barack Obama was named Time magazine's Man of the Year Wednesday. He vowed to bring the nation together. There was a time when you could pay a hundred dollars a month to avoid Oprah Winfrey but now that she has signed with HBO that's no longer possible.

Tom Cruise apologized on the Today Show for pushing his Scientology beliefs on depression sufferers. He also thanked his parents for all their sacrifices for his success. Three times they sacrificed a chicken and once they sacrificed a goat.

Caroline Kennedy began campaigning actively Tuesday to be named the U.S. Senator for New York. She endorsed Barack Obama for president last January and turned the tide in his favor. Why she is not in an unmarked grave in Arkansas is anybody's guess.

The National Football League laid off one hundred fifty office workers Tuesday as the reality of the economy hit the sport. Crime is rampant in the league. Last Sunday a running back got penalized fifteen yards for swindling a Jewish charity.

Bernie Madoff was placed under house arrest Wednesday for swindling people who trusted him out of fifty billion dollars. He's restricted to his Park Avenue apartment. How much harm can he do locked in an apartment with nothing but a telephone and a Rolodex?

SEC Chairman Chris Cox ordered a probe of his own agency Wednesday for failing to detect Bernie Madoff's fifty billion dollar Wall Street fraud. Al-Qaeda just called off all further operations in America. They can't keep up with the competition.

Inaugural officials predicted four million people will attend the Inauguration ceremony. Every power broker will be there. The Illinois governor will be kept out of town so in the event of a catastrophe, someone will be alive to sell the government.

ABC News says Rod Blagojevich was a bookie with links to the mob before he was governor. Jesse Jackson Jr. just realized he was snitching on the Chicago mob. In lieu of flowers, his family is requesting that donations be made to his father's slush fund.

The Federal Reserve cut its key interest rate to zero percent Tuesday. Lower interest rates allow you to go deeper into debt cheaply. So many people are digging a hole for themselves in Los Angeles that subway construction is two years ahead of schedule.

The White House announced Tuesday that the U.S. and Iraq have agreed to a timetable for U.S. troop withdrawal. It may leave thousands of U.S. troops on Iraqi soil for decades to come. There is an old saying in the Arab world, if the shoe fits, throw it.

President Bush showed quick reflexes Sunday when he ducked two shoes thrown at him by an Iraqi reporter in Baghdad. It was chaotic. Throwing a shoe at someone in the Arab world is a sign of utter contempt, and the second shoe was a follow-up question.

President Bush issued regulations Tuesday saying government agencies can ignore the Endangered Species Act. He's tired of hearing about the plight of worms, snakes and rats. They have all their money in Swiss banks anyway.

Wisconsin brothers Ed and Tom Shircel rolled perfect games bowling together in league play in Sheboygan on Monday. The brothers chose bowling over golf in high school. One of the advantages bowling has over golf is you seldom lose a bowling ball.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-19-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Barack Obama was named Time magazine's Man of the Year Wednesday. He vowed to bring the nation together. There was a time when you could pay a hundred dollars a month to avoid Oprah Winfrey but now that she has signed with HBO that's no longer possible.

Tom Cruise apologized on the Today Show for pushing his Scientology beliefs on depression sufferers. He also thanked his parents for all their sacrifices for his success. Three times they sacrificed a chicken and once they sacrificed a goat.

Caroline Kennedy began campaigning actively Tuesday to be named the U.S. Senator for New York. She endorsed Barack Obama for president last January and turned the tide in his favor. Why she is not in an unmarked grave in Arkansas is anybody's guess.

The National Football League laid off one hundred fifty office workers Tuesday as the reality of the economy hit the sport. Crime is rampant in the league. Last Sunday a running back got penalized fifteen yards for swindling a Jewish charity.

Bernie Madoff was placed under house arrest Wednesday for swindling people who trusted him out of fifty billion dollars. He's restricted to his Park Avenue apartment. How much harm can he do locked in an apartment with nothing but a telephone and a Rolodex?

SEC Chairman Chris Cox ordered a probe of his own agency Wednesday for failing to detect Bernie Madoff's fifty billion dollar Wall Street fraud. Al-Qaeda just called off all further operations in America. They can't keep up with the competition.

Inaugural officials predicted four million people will attend the Inauguration ceremony. Every power broker will be there. The Illinois governor will be kept out of town so in the event of a catastrophe, someone will be alive to sell the government.

ABC News says Rod Blagojevich was a bookie with links to the mob before he was governor. Jesse Jackson Jr. just realized he was snitching on the Chicago mob. In lieu of flowers, his family is requesting that donations be made to his father's slush fund.

The Federal Reserve cut its key interest rate to zero percent Tuesday. Lower interest rates allow you to go deeper into debt cheaply. So many people are digging a hole for themselves in Los Angeles that subway construction is two years ahead of schedule.

The White House announced Tuesday that the U.S. and Iraq have agreed to a timetable for U.S. troop withdrawal. It may leave thousands of U.S. troops on Iraqi soil for decades to come. There is an old saying in the Arab world, if the shoe fits, throw it.

President Bush showed quick reflexes Sunday when he ducked two shoes thrown at him by an Iraqi reporter in Baghdad. It was chaotic. Throwing a shoe at someone in the Arab world is a sign of utter contempt, and the second shoe was a follow-up question.

President Bush issued regulations Tuesday saying government agencies can ignore the Endangered Species Act. He's tired of hearing about the plight of worms, snakes and rats. They have all their money in Swiss banks anyway.

Wisconsin brothers Ed and Tom Shircel rolled perfect games bowling together in league play in Sheboygan on Monday. The brothers chose bowling over golf in high school. One of the advantages bowling has over golf is you seldom lose a bowling ball.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-18-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Los Angeles residents woke up Tuesday to the sight of snow on the Santa Monica mountains. No one can remember L.A. ever being so cold. Carjackers held guns to the heads of their victims and still could only make them move over to the passenger seat.

Iraqi reporter Muntazer al-Zaidi was jailed Sunday for throwing his shoes at President Bush, who ducked and avoided being hit in the head. It made people think he's been cheating on his wife. You don't develop reflexes like that without daily practice.

George Clooney wrote to Screen Actors Guild members Tuesday urging actors to defy any union strike order. A lot of stars are on his side. Ever since Steven Spielberg talked everybody into investing with Bernard Madoff nobody can afford to stop working.

Caroline Kennedy sought appointment to New York's Senate seat Tuesday. There's nothing wrong with government by bloodlines. Last year Britain banned hereditary seats in the House of Lords as undemocratic, but America left Britain long ago to go our own way.

Queen Elizabeth cut back on palace expenses Tuesday, ordering royal staffers to turn out lights and re-use leftovers from state banquets. It's miserable. Tourism is way down now that Buckingham Palace is being guarded by the Hamburger Helper Eaters.

President Bush explained his bailout strategy Tuesday, saying he abandoned free market principles to save the free market system. He's wiretapped Americans without warrants, gone to war without a declaration, ignored due process and nationalized the economy, citing emergency power. Saddam Hussein had a better case for overthrowing him.

Wall Street rallied Tuesday when the Federal Reserve reduced interest rates to nothing. The commodities market also jumped. Oil rose to forty-four dollars a barrel on the Chicago Exchange and the price of a U.S. Senate seat soared to over a million two.

Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich didn't show up in the legislature Tuesday for the impeachment hearing against him for selling a Senate seat. It was easy to find him. He had to fly to Mogadishu to accept an honorary doctorate from Somali Pirate University.

Jesse Jackson Jr. was revealed Tuesday to be a U.S. government informant helping the FBI in a sting operation designed to catch Governor Blagojevich demanding cash for favors. His dad's not surprised. He knew his son was wearing a wire when he wrote Santa Claus a letter saying all he wants for Christmas is a tie with a hole in it.

Barack Obama named New Jersey environmental regulator Lisa Jackson to head the Environmental Protection Agency. The president-elect declared he wants to move the country beyond our oil addiction. Now all we have to do is get Iowa farmers to grow methadone.

Dick Cheney stressed the importance of energy independence in an ABC interview Tuesday. The vice president is very concerned about ending our addiction to oil. He has switched to a solar-powered shredder for the remaining month of the administration.

Washington D.C. officials said Tuesday that one million Inaugural weekend visitors will cause a cell phone overload. Imagine this crowd of workaholics going three days without phone service. It'll be the longest they have been celibate since junior high.

Mexico's government on Monday opened a customer service call center for illegal aliens in Arizona to call to complain about their treatment in America. It's not going well. When a Mexican migrant is stranded at an Arizona truck stop the last thing he needs is a guy in India telling him to turn the computer off, then on again.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-17-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

The Weather Channel reported a huge mass of cold air sweeping into the Midwest on Sunday. The front was setting new records for low wind-chill temperatures. It was so cold in Chicago that Governor Rod Blagojevich was selling heated Senate seats.

Saturday Night Live was ripped by New York Governor Dave Paterson's office for joking about his blindness. No one knew he was that sensitive. Caroline Kennedy just decided not to do her Stevie Wonder impression when she asks him for the Senate seat.

Oklahoma quarterback Sam Bradford won the Heisman Trophy Saturday after a huge season. He tore up the field and destroyed opposing defenses with his no-huddle offense. President Bush did the same thing when he stopped holding Cabinet meetings.

President Bush paid a surprise visit to Afghanistan and Iraq Sunday and hailed U.S. progress. We beat the Japanese Empire and the Third Reich in less time. Eight years ago, Dick Cheney had this bright idea of paying defense contractors by the hour.

Barack Obama introduced his Energy and Environmental team at a press conference in Chicago Monday. It was silly for the president-elect to spotlight global warming while it was ten degrees outside. One reporter stood up and threw two snowshoes at him.

President Bush ducked two shoes thrown at him by a Baghdad reporter during his press conference in Iraq Sunday. Complete chaos broke out in the room. Every now and then Americans get a glimpse of why we installed Saddam Hussein in the first place.

Iraqi reporter Muntazer al-Zaidi was hailed in Baghdad Tuesday for throwing his shoes at President Bush's head on television. He's worth a fortune now. The New York Yankees have been looking everywhere for a pitcher who's not afraid to go inside.

The New York Giants showed very little offense in a loss to the Dallas Cowboys on Sunday on NBC. The statistics look terrible. According to the Monday morning newspapers, New York's leading receiver is the bankruptcy firm of Richards, Kibbe & Orbe.

New York Mets owner Fred Wilpon lost five hundred million dollars Friday after a hedge fund manager defrauded him. He put his family fortune in a Ponzi scheme. The invasion of Iraq is no longer the worst mistake ever made by a baseball executive.

Wall Streeter Bernard Madoff confessed to swindling investors out of fifty billion dollars. He worked Jewish country clubs from Long Island to Palm Beach. The victims have just realized they were better off when no one would let them into a country club.

Governor Rod Blagojevich refused to step down from office Monday when Illinois lawmakers began impeachment proceedings. It may take awhile. The legislature is trying to come up with the six hundred thousand dollars he's demanding to resign in disgrace.

John McCain said Sunday he won't necessarily support Sarah Palin for president if she runs in four years. He's sadder but wiser. If you're going to nominate a woman to be your vice presidential candidate, be sure she's not younger than your wife.

The ShopRite supermarket in eastern Pennsylvania refused Saturday to personalize a birthday cake with the name of a three-year-old boy because his name is Adolf Hitler Campbell. The refusal is what you might expect when the baker's name is Anne Frank Gordon. The Gordons and the Campbells have hated each other for seven centuries.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-16-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

President Bush was holding a surprise press conference in Baghdad Sunday when an Iraqi journalist stood up and threw two shoes at him. It's inexcusable. If they had as much security in Baghdad as they have at an American airport, none of those guys would have had their shoes on.

The Distilled Spirits Council of America canceled its Washington D.C. Christmas party Friday. It's a public relations move. They represent the liquor industry and they don't want congressmen drinking while they're driving the economy into the ground.

John Daly denied he was drunk in the Australian Open Friday when he smashed a fan's camera. He says he's treated his alcoholism with stem cells. The whole time President Bush told us he opposed stem cell research he never mentioned he was a donor.

Zimbabwe's president Robert Mugabe accused the U.S. and Britain of deliberately starting the country's cholera epidemic. A few years ago he seized property from rich white farmers and gave it to his cronies. The best guess is, cholera's caused by weeds.

Wall Street hedge fund operator Bernie Madoff admitted to defrauding investors out of fifty billion dollars Friday. He used money from new investors to pay returns to current investors. If Bernie Madoff was in a sitcom he'd play The Ponz.

The White House scrambled to create an auto industry bailout Sunday. The clock was ticking. If the U.S. auto industry collapses under President Bush, Hank Aaron will come on the JumboTron and congratulate him for breaking Herbert Hoover's record.

President Bush worked with Senate Democrats to get a bailout for U.S. automakers Friday. He was bound to switch parties eventually. After eight years of walking to work he wasn't using enough oil to maintain his membership in the Republican Party.

The White House considered using bank rescue funds to bail out automakers Sunday. The bailout bill is in limbo. By the time the Senate gets finished amending the bill, each car will be powered by a hydroelectic dam under the hood named after Robert Byrd.

Barack Obama named former New York Housing Commissioner Shaun Donovan as HUD Secretary Saturday. For years Shaun Donovan opposed expanding home ownership to the poor. Barack Obama may be the first president in history to be born in Kenya and buried at the Reagan Library.

President Bush gave a commencement address at Texas A&M on Friday. He declared that invading Iraq was the right thing to do to keep America safe, but he only got light applause. If you can't sell a war in Texas it's time to get out of show business.

Senator Arlen Specter appalled a crowd of fellow Pennsylvanians Thursday at the Commonwealth Club in New York by telling a string of old Polish jokes. He's in real trouble. Nobody's going to believe that Polish jokes are a side effect of chemotherapy.

The White House refused to send the U.S. Navy to thwart Somali pirates operating off Africa Friday. The idea is to let them become too rich to remain terrorists. Republicans believe as an article of faith that money can turn swords into sand wedges.

House of Saddam is HBO's new mini-series about Saddam Hussein's life from the time the CIA set him up in power until the time the Bush family brought him down. It's so easy to get a bad label. King George III wouldn't give Canada to the Puritans and he wouldn't give Ohio to the Virginians and he's been called a tyrant ever since.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-15-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Wall Street tycoon Bernard Madoff confessed to a scam that stole fifty billion dollars from investors. It was the biggest con in history. He was arraigned in Manhattan court Friday but not before he was presented the key to the City of Chicago.

St. Mark's Episcopal in Chicago placed global positioning devices in their Nativity Scene figurines to halt theft. They're easy to track. Last year's Messiah is on his way to Washington and the donkey's been arrested for trying to sell a Senate seat.

Barack Obama said Thursday no one on his staff helped Governor Blagojevich try to sell his Senate seat. It's worrisome. Barack Obama knows that the first rule of politics is there's always room at the top, once the grand jury returns an indictment.

Illinois Attorney General Lisa Madigan asked the state Supreme Court on Friday to declare Governor Rod Blagojevich disabled and unfit for office. That's silly. If crookedness was a disability, Chicago would be known worldwide as the City of Ramps.

Barack Obama's chief of staff Rahm Emanuel refused to answer questions Friday about the attempted sale of Obama's Senate seat. He's desperate to get the press on to another subject. He just asked one of his daughters if she'd like to go missing.

Pastor Jeremiah Wright told his church Sunday that December seventh was the day the U.S. dropped the atomic bomb on Japan. Actually it's the day Japan bombed us. The reason everybody walks out of his church services so happy is because ignorance is bliss.

O.J. Simpson was taken away Thursday to Nevada State Prison, forty miles north of Las Vegas. It's a tough adjustment. O.J.'s used to a life of cocaine and golf and blondes, but the Nevada State Prison is much different than the Los Angeles County Jail.

Dick Cheney warned Friday the Great Depression will re-occur if the government doesn't bail out the auto industry. We'll see. If he's as right about this as he was about Saddam Hussein's weapons of mass destruction, then happy days are here again.

The White House scrambled to find bailout money for U.S. automakers Friday after the Senate refused it. The companies are losing billions every month. The cost of bailing out the Big Three automakers makes the overthrow of Saddam Hussein look cost-effective.

Senate Republicans killed the bailout bill for U.S. automakers Thursday when the UAW refused to agree to a date certain to reduce wages to the level of non-union autoworkers. Taxpayers fear a snowball effect. If the autoworkers go broke we'll have to bail out Philip Morris to make up for all of the lost sales in cigarettes and beer.

President Bush addressed West Point cadets last week and saluted the cadets for entering the armed forces knowing he was president. They're better at math than he is. They calculated he would be out of office by the time they finished school.

President Bush greeted Barbra Streisand at the Kennedy Center Awards ceremony last week. He handed her the award and then kissed her. Since he's accepted that he's not going to be the next Ronald Reagan, he's decided to be the next Evel Knievel.

India and Pakistan smoothed over the terrorist attack in Mumbai after Pakistan agreed to extradite the mastermind to India. How nice. They were able to settle the crisis without war by engaging in diplomacy, or as it's known in America, women's work.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-14-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Oprah Winfrey confessed Wednesday she weighs over two hundred pounds and she's given up trying to lose the excess weight. It's no secret around the office. On her desk are pictures of the two men she loves the most, Barack Obama and Ronald McDonald.

New York ad mogul Donny Deutsch was caught with a woman who's married to hedge fund mogul Andrew Sandler. The divorce trial will pit two billionaires fighting over a blonde. It's fair to say that men are like Illinois, they are governed by nuts.

Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was arrested Tuesday for trying to sell a U.S. Senate seat. His family is so proud. Rod Blagojevich could go down in history as the only Serbian leader whose trial didn't end up at the International Criminal Court.

Governor Rod Blagojevich didn't show up for work in Chicago on Wednesday. Just his luck, it was national call-in-sick if you're gay day. He may have to resign as governor of Illinois but he's leading all polls to be the next governor of California.

Barack Obama cut all ties to Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich Thursday. He's also disowned Jeremiah Wright and Tony Rezko. Having Chicago as a hometown for an incoming president is like having a brother-in-law with a gambling problem and no car.

TV host Anderson Cooper dove unprotected into a pool of Great White sharks on CNN this week. He's an heir to the Vanderbilt fortune. The market is doing so badly that wealthy families have decided to spend the holidays collecting each other's life insurance.

Ken Starr was asked by Malibu homeowners Thursday to help draft laws protecting them from being constantly stalked by the paparazzi. He's the obvious choice. Ken Starr is the legal profession's leading expert on the rights of women without underwear.

The Screen Actors Guild vowed Tuesday to go on strike in January so actors can get paid money for the Internet use of their performances. Everything's downloaded illegally anyway. Internet users make the Somali pirates look like copyright attorneys.

Beatles producer Phil Spector's re-trial for murdering an actress resumed last week in L.A. The defendant wore a shaggy wig, white suit and open-collar shirt into court. The easiest way to get an L.A. jury on your side is to look like you're holding.

President Bush expressed his joy Wednesday at statistics showing a twenty-five percent drop in illegal drug use among young people during the eight years of his presidency. He can take personal credit for it. He didn't leave enough for everybody.

John Daly got angry at a fan at the Australian Open Thursday who surprised him on the golf course with an up-close camera flash. The golfer grabbed the camera in anger and threw it in the trees. It was the nineteenth fairway he had missed that day.

Bill Clinton was told Thursday he may have to testify at Hillary's confirmation hearings in the Senate about his library donations. This will be fun. He had a cabinet that looked like America and a donor list that looked like a terrorist training camp.

Hillary Clinton's salary as Secretary of State had to be cut Thursday so she can take the job legally. She blew the Democratic primaries, then took a salary cut and now everyone's talking about Caroline Kennedy taking her place. Hillary Clinton is the first public figure in American history to make the cover of Masochists Monthly twice.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-12-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich laid low Wednesday after he was arrested for trying to sell a U.S. Senate seat. The cameras caught up with him at a local flea market. He was there to get something for his wife but no one would start the bidding.

Governor Rod Blagojevich's arrest Tuesday put the media glare on Barack Obama's political mentors, including the arrested governor and the indicted Tony Rezko. We know where this is going to lead. Ron Howard has already agreed to direct Frost/Obama.

Chicago's U.S. Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald had Governor Blagojevich arrested Tuesday and produced audiotaped evidence of his greed and venal corruption. The question is, now what? They can't put the governor in jail, it would corrupt the petty thieves.

Congressman Jesse Jackson was identified as Candidate Number Five in FBI tapes of Senate candidates considered by Blagojevich. It caused a crisis. His marriage was saved once he reassured his wife that he's Candidate Number Five, not Client Number Five.

U.S. Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald defended his decision to have Governor Blagojevich arrested Tuesday. He's spent years convicting corrupt public officials, crooked cops and mobsters. Patrick Fitzgerald could not be more out of place in Chicago if he were a World Series trophy.

The Chicago Tribune Company filed for bankruptcy on Tuesday. Sales charts show a steady drop-off in readership since Bill Clinton left the White House and President Bush came into office. It shows that two wars and a crash don't equal one good sex scandal.

President Bush spoke at West Point Tuesday and defended his decision to invade Iraq and topple Saddam Hussein. The president sounded confident, assertive and sure of himself. He had the glow of a man who was happy to be back to his original mistake.

Caroline Kennedy lobbied for New York's Senate seat Wednesday. She sank Hillary's presidential bid with her enthusiastic endorsement of Barack Obama. The Clintons tried claiming that she's a stalker, but Caroline is old enough to be Monica's mother.

Call In Gay Day was declared Wednesday by gay rights activists who asked gay people to call in sick from work. The timing was bad. It could start a lot of false rumors in the workplace when you declare this day in the middle of cold season.

Wall Street sought SEC approval Thursday to let futures investors bet on movie box office grosses six months ahead of time. Investment bankers have done it again. Movie-backed securities will make mortgage-backed securities look like U.S. Savings Bonds.

The National Football League office fired one hundred and fifty employees this week. They blamed it on the slump in the economy that's nationwide. Last night in Beverly Hills, a pickpocket who works Rodeo Drive came home with twelve pounds of lint.

Exxon Valdez plaintiffs in Alaska finally began receiving payments from Exxon Mobil, twenty years after Joseph Hazelwood drove an oil tanker drunk into the rocks and ruined the eco-system. He ended up stimulating the economy. At last summer's oil prices, some of those seal skins were selling for twenty thousand dollars apiece.

Daily Variety said Wednesday that Young Frankenstein will close on Broadway in January. Every night for eight years New York theatergoers have been able to enjoy either a comedy about Hitler, a drama about Nixon or a musical about Frankenstein. President Bush could fund his presidential library if he'd just learn how to tap dance.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-11-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

The White House and Congress worked together Tuesday to come up with a federal bailout plan for the Big Three automakers. The idea isn't polling well at all. Most Americans don't care who makes the cars as long as O.J. Simpson makes the license plates.

Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was arrested by the FBI Tuesday. Prosecutors charged the governor without waiting for a grand jury to indict him. They wanted to take him into custody before he could flee to the lawless tribal area of Pakistan.

Shout Factory released Hunter Thompson's audio tapes Monday, which comprised his Rolling Stone articles in the Seventies. He's a Baby Boomer icon. Hunter Thompson was the Robert E. Lee in the War Against Drugs, in that he commanded the opposing army.

Al Gore was told by Barack Obama Tuesday that climate change is on the back burner for now. Tax hikes on the wealthy and a withdrawal from Iraq have also been postponed. President Bush may not have a legacy but it looks like he'll have a third term.

Caroline Kennedy is lobbying to be named to the U.S. Senate. With all the Bushes in power and all the Clintons in power, we're a Kennedy short. Whatever our differences with Britain that caused the revolution, it wasn't over the House of Lords.

The Supreme Court rejected an appeal Monday from a man who says Barack Obama isn't eligible to be president because his dad was a British subject. However, it does answer one question. It explains to angry liberals why he keeps appointing Tories to his cabinet.

President Bush defended the invasion of Iraq in an address at West Point on Tuesday. He gave the cadets a speech codifying the Bush Doctrine. It states we must find out what country attacked the U.S. and then overthrow the leader we installed two countries over.

President Bush was interviewed by Cynthia McFadden on ABC's Nightline Monday and he discussed his relationship with God. It's unique, to say the least. When all your mistakes are of Biblical proportion you start to feel like God's your personal trainer.

Washington D.C. store owners warned Monday that Inaugural visitors will overwhelm the city. They forecast a bread and milk shortage. That's because they're allocating the shelf space to crack to maximize profits during this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was taped trying to sell a U.S. Senate seat in exchange for a union job. Times are tough. Now that Wall Street jobs no longer pay bonuses, corrupt politicians are giving away Senate seats in exchange for free donuts.

Governor Rod Blagojevich tried to sell the open Illinois Senate seat Monday knowing he was being wiretapped in a corruption probe. Illinois is famous for its high-handed criminals. The yacht race on Lake Michigan every year is called the Capone Cup.

Chicago's U.S. Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald said Tuesday Governor Blagojevich was on a crime spree. The spree had style. Last Valentine's Day every state contractor got a box of candy from Governor Blagojevich along with a card inscribed, Be My Crony.

Senator Larry Craig lost his appeal to withdraw his guilty plea for soliciting gay sex in an airport men's room. He didn't know the guy he was trying to pick up in the next stall was a cop. He'd still have a political career today if he had let Bill Gates teach him to surf the Internet instead of charging him with anti-trust.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-10-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

The White House announced Thursday that President Bush has purchased a home in the Dallas suburb of Preston Hollow. The president must have paid cash for the house. Would you give a home loan to a guy with a trillion dollar deficit and no job?

Caroline Kennedy asked Sunday to be named to replace Hillary Clinton in the U.S. Senate when she becomes Secretary of State. It caused quite a stir. When Bill Clinton first heard that Caroline wanted to replace Hillary he went out and bought new sheets.

Major League Baseball held winter meetings Monday with recession on everyone's mind. You think your stock went down. Three months ago baseball players could have signed for twelve million a year and today they're asking each other what Castro pays.

Delaware's state veterinarian warned Monday of an outbreak of an infectious viral horse disease called Equine Herpesvirus. There's little anybody can do about it. They could make the horses wear condoms but that would really cut down on the revenue.

Fox Sports paired Jimmy Johnson and Barry Switzer Sunday to reveal the college bowl teams. These guys are national resources. Between the two of them they know enough recruiting tricks to keep the all-volunteer Army in business for two more wars.

O.J. Simpson was denied bail Friday while his lawyer appeals his prison sentence in Nevada. The judge said robbing a hotel guest is inexcusable. Every pit boss and blackjack dealer in Las Vegas has retained counsel in case it's a citywide crackdown.

Saudi Arabia announced plans Monday to severely cut back oil production to try to drive oil prices back up. That trick won't work for them anymore. Republicans get their oil from Saudi Arabia while Democrats get their oil from Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Variety said Hollywood will release six Holocaust movies on Christmas Day. That's in addition to the movie where Tom Cruise tries to blow up Hitler. It sounds like six studio executives made the same deal with God just before their last angioplasty.

Barack Obama was fitted for a new tuxedo Friday for Inauguration Day festivities. It's the first one he's bought in sixteen years. In the latest indication that Barack Obama is moving to the right, the label on the tux reads Hart, Schaffner and Goldwater.

Barack Obama was denounced by liberals Monday for naming so many conservatives and moderates to cabinet posts. They can't believe he fooled them into thinking he was a progressive. Smokers have a lot of experience lying to the people they love.

Barack Obama asked his campaign donors Saturday to help Hillary Clinton retire her seven million dollar campaign debt. It's so gracious. Her campaign was so low on money in June she was staging slip-and-fall accidents in Wal-Mart to pay for TV ads.

Pope Benedict said Monday he will visit Israel next year despite his rift with Jews over his attempt to canonize a pontiff who dealt with Hitler. The visit is a smart idea. The Nazi hunters will never think of looking for Pope Benedict in Israel.

Zimbabwe's leader Robert Mugabe accused Britain of trying to overthrow him and bring back colonial rule Monday. Nobody dares to speak out against the government there. Zimbabwe has the only comedy club in the world with a cemetery on the premises.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-9-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Caroline Kennedy asked the governor of New York Thursday to appoint her to the U.S. Senate seat that's being vacated by Hillary Clinton. The pattern's clear. The U.S. Senate is now a day care center for the female relatives of legendary sex addicts.

President Bush went to the annual Army-Navy football game in Philadelphia last Saturday and enjoyed it. The president visited the locker room for a pre-game pep talk. The players sat him down and told him that someday history would vindicate him.

The Episcopal Church had a schism Friday when churches opposed to gay marriage demanded their own diocese from the Archbishop. It's embarrassing. We Episcopalians don't like to wear our religion on our sleeves, we believe that area is for cufflinks.

Florida's former governor Jeb Bush said Friday he's considering a run for the U.S. Senate in Florida in two years. It may involve a little extra paperwork. To give himself a better chance of being elected he may legally change his name to O.J. Simpson.

O.J. Simpson was sentenced to prison on live television Friday for armed robbery and kidnapping in a Las Vegas hotel room. He made a heartfelt plea for one more chance. At this point there's no harm trying to get some of that federal bailout money.

The Big Three automakers returned to Washington Friday to ask Congress for bailout money. The auto executives had to sit and listen to congressmen lecture them on fiscal responsibility. It's the first time in its history CNN ever used a laugh track.

The Big Three chairmen did not fly to Washington in their corporate jets last week. They outdid each other in humility. One CEO came in a hybrid, one came in an electric car, and one jumped a freight train but caught hell about the coal emissions.

The White House and Congress agreed Sunday on a bailout for U.S. automakers from a fifteen billion dollar fund requiring Detroit to make hybrid cars. The auto executives are unclear on the concept. Hybrid does not mean half engine, half tin cup.

The Weather Channel reports Santa Ana winds are headed for Southern California off the desert this week. Conditions are ripe for wildfires. When those For Sale signs have been standing out on the front lawns for six months they are like kindling.

Fox News reported Saturday on the drought in California's Central Valley. It's destroying this season's crops of celery and melons and lettuce and broccoli and cauliflower. Next year the farm bill will be named the Supermodel Preservation Act.

Jessica Simpson said Tuesday she wants to go to college to study theology. She said she's watched The Da Vinci Code eight times. You know the economy is rough when blondes are hanging out with priests just for the free wine and crackers at communion.

The Washington D.C. City Council voted to keep bars open until five in the morning on Inauguration Day. It's a huge opportunity. As soon as President Bush leaves office he may start drinking again and no one wants to miss out on that much business.

The New York Giants placed Plaxico Burress on the injured list for the rest of the year Monday. He's perfectly healthy. At his last birthday party he blew out the candles without a problem, unless you consider buckshot in the wallpaper a problem.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-8-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

The Big Three automakers asked Congress for a federal bailout Friday at the exact moment O.J. Simpson begged a Nevada judge for mercy. What did you expect? O.J. Simpson was the last guy to buy a Ford Bronco and it didn't turn out well for either of them.

O.J. Simpson was sent to prison for armed robbery Friday. Thirty-two years ago, O.J. was voted Most Admired Man in America. It stood as the biggest mistake in judgment Americans ever made right up to the day George W. Bush was sworn in as president.

Judge Jackie Glass just shook her head Friday when O.J. Simpson pleaded with her to reduce his sentence. Some people have to learn the hard way. The moment you're outside the city limits of Los Angeles you're at the mercy of the law and order crowd.

O.J. Simpson was taken away in shackles after his sentencing Friday. In the next hour, the Dow soared two hundred points. It was an unexpected boost to the real estate market when everyone realized that O.J. Simpson won't be moving into their neighborhoods.

The White House warned Friday that airports face a shortage of de-icing fluids this winter. It's a moneymaking opportunity for airlines. Passengers who want to take off on time will have to buy drinks and pour them out the windows onto the wings.

Michigan's Department of Education banned schools from giving students an F in any subject Friday. It's for the good of the kids. When they are grown up and running the auto companies they'll have the experience necessary to ask for a bailout.

Barack Obama's speechwriter Jon Favreau was photographed at a party with a flat cardboard cutout of Hillary Clinton. The writer was groping her breasts while a buddy gave her a beer. It just feeds into the stereotype that you can't be too rich or too thin.

The Screen Actors Guild may authorize a strike this spring to get actors more money. The cost-cutting in Hollywood has been brutal. No one wants to say networks are buying their scripts on the street corner, but in all the new pilots, the crack dealer is the romantic lead.

The Richard Nixon Library celebrated the movie release of Nixon/Frost Thursday by selling commemorative chocolates. They show his silhouette on the box. Richard Nixon's work on earth will not be done until he turns your teeth into another Vietnam.

John McCain's campaign was revealed Friday to have spent one hundred grand for Sarah Palin's hair and make-up to make her look good on TV. And she's a former beauty pageant winner. Imagine how much they would have had to spend on Joe Lieberman.

World Trade Center owner Larry Silverstein signed up a German bank to occupy the top three floors of the new World Trade Center building. It was a great deal the Germans couldn't pass up. They got a discount on the rent for being lookouts.

House Banking Committee Chairman Barney Frank urged Barack Obama on Friday to help automakers get a financial bailout. Environmentalists may be forced to admit they were wrong about President Bush. Nature is reclaiming Detroit before our very eyes.

The U.S. Capitol Visitor Center was finished Tuesday at a cost of six hundred and twenty million dollars. There's a red line down the middle of the corridor for crowd control. That's so the people coming into the Capitol for tours don't crash into the Republicans coming out of the Capitol to spend more time with their families.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-7-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Laura Bush presided over the White House Christmas tree lighting ceremony last week on the South Lawn. The ceremony was especially moving this year. The Nativity Scene depicts Three Wise Men from Detroit asking the Baby Jesus for his first miracle.

President Bush bought a large suburban house in Dallas Thursday. Thanks to the mortgage crisis, large suburban houses have been driven to their lowest prices in decades. Whoever said that President Bush is an idiot wasn't seeing the whole picture.

Barack Obama left liberals empty-handed Tuesday by appointing moderate conservatives to head both Defense and State and then putting a free trader at Commerce. He faked to the left and now he's going to the right. He studied in Chicago under Walter Payton.

Perry County in Alabama voted Tuesday to declare the second Monday in every November to be Barack Obama Day. He's embarrassed. When he started appointing conservatives to his cabinet he was looking for political cover, not a school holiday in the South.

Henry Kissinger said Thursday he thinks Hillary Clinton will make a great Secretary of State. She can be very tough on national leaders. Two Secret Service agents during her husband's administration were killed taking a lamp for the president.

Vanity Fair crowned Tina Fey as America's sweetheart Tuesday based on the popularity of her Sarah Palin impression. It's becoming just like Nixon. Hollywood liberals hate Sarah Palin unless they are three jokes short and it's five minutes til showtime.

Hollywood columnist James Bacon wrote a book about his nightclubbing days with Howard Hughes. Clubs were safer then. Mae West could have been shot to death asking Plaxico Burress if that was a pistol in his pocket or if he was just happy to see her.

Roman Polanski refused to return to the U.S. Thursday to face old charges that he had sex with a thirteen-year-old girl thirty years ago. She never appeared in any of his films. He could go to jail under California law for reneging on a casting promise.

Jeb Bush revealed Wednesday he's considering running for the U.S. Senate seat in Florida that's being vacated by the departing Mel Martinez. Everyone agrees that Jeb is articulate and bright and circumspect. He is considered the black sheep of the family.

The Vatican on Thursday called off its testing of the waters at Lourdes in France, ending its attempt to find out if they have restorative powers as claimed for centuries. It's too polluted now. People keep throwing their brokerage statements in the water hoping for a miracle.

Swiss adventurer Louis Palmer just completed a trip around the world in a solar-powered car. He traveled thirty-two thousand miles without using a single a drop of gasoline. He waited until now to unveil it because he was afraid Dick Cheney would have invaded the sun.

The German Army troops stationed in Afghanistan were reported Wednesday to have drunk two million pints of beer last year. They were ripped for being fat and drunk and sloppy. Only Muhammed Ali is further away from the glory days of his fighting career.

New York's former governor Eliot Spitzer was hired Thursday to write a financial column for Slate. He resigned in disgrace after he made large wire transfers of cash from his bank account to buy hookers and got flagged by the Patriot Act. If we don't let up on this search for Osama bin Laden, we're going to run all our best people out of office.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-5-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Plaxico Burress was wounded when his gun accidentally went off in his waistband in a nightclub Sunday. He claimed he was carrying it to protect his jewelry. If he really wanted to protect the family jewels, he was an idiot to put a gun in his pants.

Barack Obama was reported Monday to be buying a thirty thousand dollar diamond ring for his wife. He rides in a limo, travels with bodyguards and now he's buying jewelry. He was sick of hearing that his administration doesn't have enough diversity.

The London Times reported Thursday that German troops in Afghanistan drank two million pints of beer last year. Allied observers confirm that the German soldiers are fat and drunk and out of shape. Like airbags in automobiles, it's a safety measure.

House of Saddam is an HBO mini-series beginning Sunday which previewed to rave reviews by TV drama critics. Don't miss a minute of it. The movie follows the dictator from his early career as a CIA dupe to his final days in power as a CIA dupe.

The New York Mets decided Tuesday to keep Citi Field as the name of their stadium, believing Citigroup will survive. They've got the government backing them. Forest Lawn just named its next three memorial parks after General Motors, Ford and Chrysler.

Sarah Palin was credited by Senator Saxby Chambliss Wednesday for helping him win in Georgia by her appeal to working-class Republicans. She drew huge crowds. Just a year ago there were no working class Republicans and today there's nothing else.

Jeb Bush was asked by Florida Republicans Wednesday to consider running in two years for the U.S. Senate seat being vacated by the departing Mel Martinez. Don't laugh. Jeb Bush has tremendous name recognition, and if he can overcome that, he's in.

Condoleezza Rice gave a Brahms piano recital for Queen Elizabeth at Buckingham Palace Monday. Everyone agreed that she played beautifully. When you are the top peace negotiator for the Bush administration you have plenty of time for piano practice.

New York Daily News reporters were able to use a laptop computer on Tuesday to transfer the ownership of the Empire State Building into their own names and obtain all the documents they needed to get a mortgage loan on it. It was worth a try. Fraudulent lending got us into this mess and perhaps fraudulent lending can get us out.

The National Archives released more of President Nixon's Oval Office tapes. They reveal Don Rumsfeld warning Nixon against covert domestic spying three years before Watergate. He saw the future so clearly he put everything he owned into peanut futures.

David Gregory reportedly was chosen to be the new permanent host of NBC's Meet the Press. The thirty-eight-year-old was born and raised in Los Angeles. He won the California statewide spelling bee in the Seventies when he correctly spelled O.D.

The Washington D.C. City Council Thursday approved the sale of alcohol around the clock at liquor stores during Inaugural Week. Bars may stay open until five in the morning. In honor of the new president they want to make everything just like Chicago.

President Bush wrote an apology to Jewish leaders Tuesday after his invitations to a Hanukkah ceremony had a Christmas tree on the envelope. It's the first time he's apologized in eight years. Ever since Barack Obama took responsibility for running the country, President Bush has been spending his afternoons watching Dr. Phil.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-4-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

New York Giants star Plaxico Burress was arrested Monday for carrying an unlicensed gun in a nightclub. He shot himself in the leg to keep from spilling his drink. He lost a lot of blood but luckily John Daly was a perfect match for a blood transfusion.

Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis came under heavy fire Thursday from alumni. They are mortified. He's losing games, he's not getting top recruits and worst of all, scientists just discovered that the English and the Irish share the same Y-chromosome.

Hillary Clinton was nominated Monday to become the country's next Secretary of State. Her job will be to improve America's ranking in the world. Germany remains number one in the poll despite its last two losses, due to their strength of schedule.

The Nautica luxury cruise ship outraced a boatload of Somali pirates Sunday in the Gulf of Aden. The pirates wanted to rob the passengers and ransom them. Fox Sports tried to option the television rights for the race but was outbid by the Fox Business Channel.

Harvard Medical School scientists announced Monday they found the gene that is responsible for the aging process. They said it may be possible to reverse many aspects of aging. This discovery came just in time so people can enjoy a long life with no money.

The Screen Actors Guild asked members to authorize a strike against the studios as a bargaining tool. The studios' first concern is to maintain good relations with the most creative people in the movie industry. It would be suicidal to offend the accountants.

NASA said Monday the orbiting repair tools left outside the Space Station will crash to earth soon. Monkey wrenches that fall out of the sky usually land on the Three Stooges. John McCain, Lindsey Graham and Joe Lieberman were last seen Monday in India.

India demanded Tuesday that Pakistan extradite the masterminds who planned the attacks in Mumbai. The gunmen trained using cocaine and steroids. The Commissioner of Terrorism has just permanently banned them from consideration for the Hall of Fame.

Barack Obama attended the National Governors Conference Monday. He said states face tough choices because many state laws require a balanced budget. If federal law required a balanced budget, Mr. Smith Goes to Washington would have been a prison movie.

The Supreme Court will decide Friday if it will hear a case challenging Barack Obama's U.S. citizenship. Evidence is sketchy. There's an old tape of his grandmother saying he was born in Kenya but then, all grandmothers say that if you don't clean up your room.

Auto executives showed up in Congress again Tuesday to ask for a bailout. Two weeks ago they came in company jets but Tuesday they drove nine hours from Detroit to Washington in hybrids. It would have taken four hours in a muscle car, but they didn't want to be blamed for global warming when they pulled into the parking lot.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid opened the new U.S. Capitol Visitors Center on Tuesday. He said that thanks to the air conditioning, lawmakers will no longer have to smell the tourists as they enter the Capitol. Ever since San Francisco put netting under the Golden Gate Bridge, people have had to commit suicide in more creative ways.

Bill Clinton was touted as a Senate replacement for his wife Tuesday after she was named Secretary of State. Why stop there? If Barack Obama can appoint Sarah Palin to anything, General Motors may die but the comedians' bailout will be a complete success.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-3-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

The Oklahoma Sooners passed Texas in the BCS Sunday for the chance to play the Alabama-Florida winner for the national title. It's an obsession. It could be the middle of January before the entire South realizes we just elected a black president.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell expressed worry Monday over reduced advertising revenue. His players are way too talented for that to happen. Plaxico Burress just became the first athlete in modern history to get wounded in a shoot-out with himself.

New York Giants star Plaxico Burress was wounded in the leg Friday when his gun accidentally went off in his pants. He wouldn't go to the hospital for hours. The flat-screens are so cheap at Wal-Mart that nobody wants to give up their place in line.

Somali pirates hijacked the third huge cargo ship in a week in the Arabian Sea on Friday. It's the most successful piracy operation in history. It's nice to see that all the laid-off Lehman Brothers brokers were able to find work before Christmas.

Barack Obama introduced his foreign policy team Monday. It includes Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton, Bob Gates and Marine Commandant Jim Jones. The last time anyone tried to manage this many egos, Joe Torre threw up his hands and moved to Los Angeles.

Barack Obama's commitment to diplomacy was music to the ears of foreign leaders in capitals around the world on Monday. The last eight years have been rough on our image. Americans never thought we'd have to pass as Germans to get out of India alive.

The Wall Street Journal reported Friday that shopping malls in New Jersey were laying off Santa Clauses in anticipation of a slow shopping month. Santa is so out of date. This past year, the naughtier you were, the bigger your federal bailout.

Homeland Security requested five thousand troops Monday that they could deploy in U.S. cities whenever needed. It's completely unconstitutional. However, once the White House nationalized the banks everyone felt they should finish it off with style.

Sarah Palin was cheered by a huge crowd in Georgia while campaigning for GOP Senator Saxby Chambliss Monday. She said they were there to unite working-class Republicans. So the organizers had to fill up the auditorium by handing out tickets to hillbillies.

President Bush told ABC News Monday that he was unprepared for war when he ran for president eight years ago. It was obvious to all. He knew he was in over his head after the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs assigned him to the slower reading circle.

Bill Clinton was mentioned as a Senate replacement for his wife Saturday after she was nominated as Secretary of State. It must be true. Last night at a bar in midtown he appeared to be holding auditions for the Bill Clinton Senatorial Librarian.

NBC News star Chris Matthews huddled with Pennsylvania Democrats about running for the Senate in two years. The timing is good. In two years Chris Matthews will be sixty-four, and that age he can go to the Senate and be called the Young Bull, or he can try to stay on television and be fed into a turkey shredder behind Sarah Palin.

Tom Cruise's new movie Valkyrie, opening Christmas Day, is the true story about the World War II German combat hero who tried to assassinate Adolf Hitler. The actor desperately needs a hit. Scientologists are considered so weird in Hollywood today they have to play Nazis in order to improve their images and save their movie careers.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-2-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

John Daly teed off in the Australian Open Thursday. He said his alcohol demons have been cured by stem cell treatment. Billy Graham has given up giving personal interventions like he did with George W. Bush and now he's just mailing his hair to everyone.

Thanksgiving Day grocery sales were reported Friday to have topped last year's sales, including a spike in Mexican food. Some traditions never change. All over America on Thanksgiving Day families sit down for dinner at the same moment, halftime.

Australia, an epic movie starring Nicole Kidman and Huge Jackman, enjoyed a big U.S. box office last weekend. Our two countries have a very special historical relationship. Australia started out as a prison colony while America evolved into one.

President Bush invited Jewish leaders to a Hanukkah party at the White House but the invitation had a Christmas tree on it. They've made worse mistakes. The invitation to their Ramadan dinner had a little picture of a Crusader on the envelope.

Frank Langella received rave reviews for his performance as President Nixon in the new movie Nixon/Frost, which opened in New York Friday. What a role. Richard Nixon is the only president whose official portrait was done by a police sketch artist.

The U.S. Treasury announced a twenty-five billion dollar federal bailout of Citigroup Monday. Every taxpayer has just one question. Now that we are the owner of banks, insurance firms, mortgage companies and hedge funds, why do we still have to work?

Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade down Broadway in New York City was a huge viewer favorite on Thursday. It was a great time. There were a million people lining the sidewalks and some of them even came out of their cardboard boxes to watch the parade.

Somali pirates dropped their ransom demands against the Saudis Tuesday. The pirates don't know what they did wrong. The supertanker contained a hundred million dollars worth of oil when it left port last month, and today the boat's fine but the cargo's sinking.

Bill Clinton's name was floated as a possible replacement for Hillary Clinton in the U.S. Senate Wednesday. The idea is to send Hillary around the world on peace missions and give Bill a dozen Senate pages. It's a golden parachute for a sex addict.

Whizzinator salesmen pleaded guilty in Pittsburgh on Monday. The device is a prosthetic penis filled with fake urine that helps cheaters pass drug tests. The Barry Bonds model is their best seller but the Marion Jones model is a real conversation starter.

Barack Obama placed Ronald Reagan's Fed chairman Paul Volcker on his economic board. He also named a Wall Street Democrat to Treasury and kept Bob Gates at Defense. He's just a tax cut away from being the first black president of the Club for Growth.

Barack Obama decided to re-appoint Defense Secretary Robert Gates, who served in the CIA for twenty years before heading the Pentagon. His experience is invaluable. You just can't beat having a guy on your team who's overthrown everyone but Randy Moss.

The Los Angeles Daily News front page on Wednesday showed a photo of a gas pump offering gasoline for under two dollars a gallon in Los Angeles. All hell has broken loose on the left wing. If you think liberals are mad at Barack Obama over his Treasury appointments, you should see how angry they are over what they paid for their Priuses.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-1-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Tiger Woods lost his seven million dollar endorsement deal with General Motors last week. He'll recover. Within hours the Treasury Secretary offered Tiger Woods a twenty-five billion dollar bailout if he would agree to a cut in salary and no bonus.

Thanksgiving Day had a huge spike in highway travel Thursday thanks to cheaper gasoline. It's an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year, and then discover that once a year is way too often.

Roger Clemens's trainer gave his DNA to federal agents Monday who want to know if he lied to Congress about using steroids. We live in such a great country. If a black guy can get elected president maybe a white guy can go to jail on drug charges.

Barack Obama held a fourth press conference in four days Wednesday to name his economic team and cabinet members. Concurrently, the stock market went up for the fourth straight day. Already he's being called the best president-elect in U.S. history.

India terrorists took U.S. citizens and British subjects hostage on Wednesday in Mumbai. Cable news anchors said the motive was a mystery. This is why both U.S. and British tourists are strictly warned not to supervise while sightseeing in India.

The Commerce Department reported plummeting home sales Wednesday while consumer spending signaled deep recession. The mood is grim. On Thanksgiving, three people in Detroit shot their plasma TV sets during a network airing of It's a Wonderful Life.

AIG's incoming Chairman Edward Liddy cut his pay to a dollar a year on Tuesday and canceled all bonuses and salary raises. He headed Allstate during Hurricane Katrina but today he ensures securities and bonds. How he longs for the good old days.

President Bush pardoned two Thanksgiving turkeys Wednesday at the annual White House ceremony in the Rose Garden. The president has full powers of pardon. Dick Cheney's been wearing a turkey over his head since Halloween but so far, no luck.

Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson rolled out a program Tuesday that will make it easier to buy cars and homes and pay for it with credit cards. He lives by a simple creed. If there's any money left in the U.S. Treasury it could cause a great depression.

Laura Bush was reported Tuesday to be shopping her memoirs to book publishers in New York. She's been keeping a journal about her life with President Bush. Be it recession or no recession, some women always know how to get jewelry for Christmas.

Red China opened its first racetrack Monday, sixty years after Chairman Mao Tse-tung banned gambling as an immoral capitalist pursuit. The communists don't have the hang of the sport quite yet. You're not supposed to shoot the horses before the races.

President Bush gave a speech in Kentucky Tuesday where he welcomed U.S. soldiers home from combat duty in Iraq. It shows how much everyone's lost interest in him. He actually had to bring troops home from Iraq to fill the auditorium where he spoke.

The Russian Navy arrived in Venezuela Thursday to conduct joint maneuvers with Hugo Chavez's fleet in the Caribbean. It's sad. Venezuela and Russia were much-feared oil powers just a month ago and today they're down to trading vodka for missile bases.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio