Argus Hamilton's column for 11-30-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Citigroup announced Monday they will keep their stadium naming rights deal with the New York Mets for the baseball team's new stadium next year. It will be called Citi Field. If you can prove that you're a taxpayer, you get half off on the beer.

The New York Post says Mel Brooks's musical comedy Young Frankenstein will close on Broadway in January. It's the story of a mad scientist who can re-animate the dead. The show is closing in January because Dr. Frankenstein has been appointed Bailout Czar.

President Bush commuted the sentence of rap star John Forte on Tuesday. He was convicted for smuggling liquid cocaine into the country eight years ago. John Forte stated in his plea he hates it whenever people take drugs, people like customs agents.

Sarah Palin was being interviewed at a turkey farm in Alaska last week when the cameras showed turkeys being slaughtered right behind her. What was she thinking? She has the job on Saturday Night Live if she wants it, she can stop making demo reels.

Sean Penn got rave reviews for his new movie, Milk, on Thursday. It's about San Francisco's first gay councilman Harvey Milk, who was murdered during a City Council meeting in the late Seventies. You could kill anybody with a good Jerry Brown joke in those days.

Hollywood producer Jon Peters held a party for gang members at his Malibu home Sunday. It's part of his DUI sentence. He's also charged with sexually assaulting his maids, and under Los Angeles law he could go to prison because he didn't kill them.

Barack Obama tasked his economic team Monday to jolt the economy back onto its feet from Wall Street's crash. It's a mess. Black activists are furious that Barack Obama has to spend his first three months as a janitor cleaning up after white people.

Somali pirates seized a Yemeni steel ship Tuesday a day after they seized an oil tanker. The U.S. response is muted. The pirates speed through the ocean high on beer and cocaine, and all President Bush does is issue a statement saying you're only young once.

Bill Clinton agreed to extensive scrutiny to help get Hillary the Secretary of State post. He may have to give up his speaking engagements. As Secretary of State Hillary Clinton will have to grapple with age-old battles between mortal enemies, like Sunnis and Shiites, Israelis and Palestinians, and Bill Clinton and Spare Time.

A Connecticut survey showed Monday that American millionaires might be cutting off buying gifts for their mistresses this Christmas. Why should they? Now that the stock market has wiped them out, the divorce is less expensive than the hush money.

The Screen Actors Guild urged television and movie actors to vote for a strike Monday. It could delay the start of next fall's TV season. This means that Osama bin Laden will have to find another place to hide besides that sitcom on Fox that he's been in.

Barack Obama met reporters Monday and pledged billions for infrastructure repairs to America's highways. They aren't all bad. Potholes have greatly reduced the number of people shot on Los Angeles freeways if you don't count the helicopter pilots.

Countrywide began calling homeowners to try to help them renegotiate their loans. Executives said sixty percent of homeowners in foreclosure have multiple properties. At San Diego's SeaWorld, whenever the crowd calls out to see Flipper, a real estate speculator comes flying out of the water tank with a fish in his mouth.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-28-08

LA JOLLA--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Goldman Sachs mastermind Robert Rubin was reportedly paid one hundred and five million dollars by Citigroup Monday for his advice this past year. He steered the company onto the rocks. Somali pirates wear his image on a medal around their necks.

Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson announced yet another bailout plan Tuesday. It will allow people to make expensive purchases during the holiday season, which could save us all. Think of how the murder rate would go up if not for jewelry sales at Christmas.

Nielsen Research says Americans spent a record one hundred forty-two hours a month during the third quarter watching TV. It was filled with partisan attacks, stock market crashes and credit freezes. In any neighborhood you can hear the screams as people are being abused by their televisions, and yet they refuse to leave and go to a shelter.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell expressed worry Monday over reduced revenue from sponsors due to the financial crisis. It's not all bad. This week a new chain of convenience stores opened in Detroit honoring the Detroit Lions called 0h and Elevens.

Michael Vick appeared in a Virginia court Tuesday to face state charges of dogfighting. Prosecutors said he put house pets inside the pit bull cage for his own amusement. When will all these pretenders ever learn that there's only one O.J. Simpson.

Tiger Woods lost his General Motors endorsement contract Monday due to corporate cuts. He was the wrong golfer for these times. General Motors decided to hire John Daly because he best represents their new slogan, This Time It's Going to Be Different.

President Bush said Monday he plans to start building his library. He doesn't want to be known as a man whose unfounded war and economic folly bankrupted the nation and defeated John McCain. He'd rather think he paved the way for the first black president.

John McCain said Tuesday that Sarah Palin has a bright future in the GOP. He's refusing to admit that naming her his running mate was a mistake. Republicans only admit their mistakes when they divorce their first wife or sell their Citigroup stock.

The California Supreme Court refused to stay the ban on gay marriages Thursday but agreed to hear lawsuits against the ballot measure that banned them. For now, the ban is firm. It's against the law in California for gays to marry unless it's to Liza Minnelli.

Hillary Clinton accepted the Secretary of State job Friday after being assured she will be in control. The current president will somehow have to control the antics of a former president who's married to his Secretary of State, with world peace in the balance. The first sign of a Great Depression is the return of screwball comedies.

Topps Baseball Cards released cards of George Washington, Abe Lincoln and Ronald Reagan, promising that strands of their hair will be inserted into random packages. Think of the possibilities. With advances in DNA technology, one day science will be able to clone a president who owns slaves, frees slaves and brings back the studio system.

Twilight sold out at movie theaters nationwide this week as girls went wild over a teenage vampire. There's something romantically appealing about a bloodsucker that never dies. At least that's what the chairman of Chrysler told the Senate.

The Los Angeles Auto Show opened Saturday to huge crowds. GM's market research shows people don't want to buy high-mileage, low-emission vehicles. They want to buy that car that killed three stuntmen during the filming of the last James Bond movie.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-27-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thanksgiving, and how's everybody?

Sarah Palin saved a turkey at a slaughterhouse Friday. As she talked on camera about animal rights, a man behind her grabbed a turkey and cut its head off. What impresses Hollywood about Alaskans is how they always get the laugh on the first take.

General Motors severed its endorsement deal with Tiger Woods Tuesday. They say it has nothing to do with their federal bailout request. It's just that the company has enough of an image problem without having a spokesman who is in the shop for repairs.

The Los Angeles Auto Show opened Saturday to crowds who are anxious to see the latest concept cars and hybrids and electrics. It's a change of pace for L.A. Instead of homeless people asking passing cars for money, the cars are asking people for money.

The Treasury Department rescued Citibank Sunday with an innovative plan. They shifted the bank's trillion dollars in toxic assets into a bad bank. The idea is to set it loose like a garbage ship until someone claims it, hopefully Somali pirates.

Oklahoma's former governor David Walters bawled out the state after every county voted for McCain. There was a reason. The Sooners are vying with the Crimson Tide for the national championship and they aren't voting for anybody with Bama in his name.

San Diego's former U.S. Congressman Duke Cunningham sought a presidential pardon Monday. He was caught with diamond jewelry, furs, gold candelabras and a Bentley in his driveway. San Diegans believe they have the constitutional right to a perfect day.

Hillary Clinton accepted the Secretary of State job Friday and she'll be formally appointed after Thanksgiving Day. She'll provide marvelous continuity. If she can do to world peace what she did to health care reform, Dick Cheney's work will be done.

Somali pirates were reported Friday to have made one hundred million in ransom money from hijacked ships last year. They pay no taxes and they demand huge ransoms from the oil companies. It's really the best of the Republican and Democratic policies.

Barack Obama named Eric Holder as Attorney General Friday with Hillary Clinton at State and Bill Richardson at Commerce. It's amazing. The Democrats spent two years and a billion dollars fighting over who'll head the third Clinton administration.

Mitt Romney urged Saturday that automakers be allowed to go bankrupt. He wants them to shed their old union contracts and be more profitable. Republicans don't like Darwin's theory of creation but they do like his effectiveness as a shop steward.

Wall Street regulator Tim Geithner was named Treasury Secretary Monday. In the last few years he was in charge of monitoring Lehman Brothers and Bear Stearns and Citigroup and Wachovia. Only Hillary Clinton has more experience looking the other way.

The Automobile Club reported Monday that gas prices fell below two dollars per gallon. It provides much needed relief. After a long day of standing in line at the bank to take all your money out, you don't want to have to walk home carrying it.

Barack Obama decided to skip church on Sunday to shoot some hoops at a Chicago gym. He has good reason for staying fit. People are already putting up statues of him and he does not want to see a beer gut hanging over his belt for the next fifty years.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-26-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Twilight sold out at movie theaters this week as every teenage girl in America went wild over a vampire. Teenagers influence everybody. This week every bank in New York City is begging for an allowance without even offering to take out the trash.

The Screen Actors Guild urged television and movie actors Saturday to vote for a strike against the studios. The financial crisis has already changed the entire business. Movie actresses are having to sleep with Treasury Secretaries to advance their careers.

Citigroup insisted Monday its bailout won't affect its purchase of the naming rights to the New York Mets' new stadium. It's an ironclad contract. Under the agreement, the stadium will be called Citigroup Field and the team will always be badly managed.

New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner stepped down Friday after thirty-five years of iron-fisted rule. It came just in the nick of time. President Bush is already including him in his presidential library exhibit of dictators he's known and deposed.

Prince Charles turned sixty years old at Buckingham Palace last week. The prince is consumed with the desire to save the Planet Earth and ward off global warming. He has so much in common with Al Gore that their kids even go to the same AA meetings.

Rancho Cucamonga ordered a billboard company to take down an atheist group's billboard Monday. There are two possibilities. It may well be that life is a series of random events and there is no master plan, or that could just be at the Treasury Department.

President Bush went to the Asian Pacific Economic Summit last week in Peru. He was cheered like a returning hero. The farmers in Peru know he's only got to stay clean for sixty more days and they have been in a recession ever since he quit using.

Hillary Clinton accepted the Secretary of State job Friday after being assured that she will be a decision-maker. As always, we will get two for the price of one. Hillary will be in charge of foreign policy while Bill's in charge of foreign affairs.

Tim Geithner was named Treasury Secretary at four o'clock Friday, causing a six-hundred-point closing rally on Wall Street. He's a regulator, not an investment banker. If Barack Obama had named him at nine in the morning we would be back where we were two months ago.

Mark Cuban was accused of insider trading by the Securities and Exchange Commission last week. They say he dumped a stock after being told by the company president its value was about to be diluted. If Abraham Lincoln were alive today, he would say that God must love billionaires with cash flow problems because he made so many of them.

Iraqi Parliament members said Tuesday they are ready to run their own society. It is the one Muslim country that allows alcohol and dancing. The place is really jumping since Saddam Hussein replaced Benny Goodman two years ago as the King of Swing.

Nixon/Frost starring Frank Langella as Richard Nixon received rave reviews on Friday. He also played Dracula and John Wilkes Booth. This guy has been on a career arc to play President Nixon ever since he resigned from the seventh grade in disgrace.

President Bush and Laura take the nation on a White House tour tonight on the History Channel. They were happy to invite the cameras in. Insurance companies recommend that you videotape all your possessions before you rent your house out to strangers.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-25-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Barack Obama got adoring press coverage last week as Newsweek compared him to Abe Lincoln and Time compared him to Franklin Roosevelt. President Bush was miffed by the comparisons. Sure Abe Lincoln and Franklin Roosevelt led the country out of a civil war and a great depression, but did they ever lead the country into them?

Somali pirates seized a Saudi oil tanker in the ocean last week. That's exactly how the Royal Navy started four hundred years ago against Spain. We have to stop sending out U.S.-British history books to Somalia, they're using them as how-to manuals.

Somali pirates began negotiating a ransom deal with Saudi Arabia Tuesday after they seized the supertanker Sirius Star, holding two million gallons of oil. They are stealing from the Saudis. It's the ethical equivalent to cheating on John Edwards.

Al-Qaeda commander Ayman al-Zawahri said Tuesday America elected Barack Obama because he's a House Negro. That's so ridiculous. When Barack Obama heard what he said, he laughed so hard he nearly dropped the entire tray of drinks on Oprah's carpet.

Iraq's cabinet voted on Tuesday to keep U.S. troops there for three more years. The Iraqis believe they finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. Of course they only have two hours of electricity a night so they're never quite sure what they're seeing.

Bill Clinton submitted to a financial exam to help Hillary become Secretary of State. It'll cost him nothing. He agreed to relinquish day-to-day control of his foundation operations, and put everything in a trust to be operated by Somali pirates.

President Bush hosted the U.S. Ryder Cup golf team in the Oval Office last Monday. They had photographs taken privately. A lot of restricted country clubs have ceremonies like this just before they're forced by the government to admit black people.

MGM Mirage chairman Terry Lanni resigned in Las Vegas Tuesday after his resume was exposed as fraudulent. He told them during his job interview he had an MBA, but he lied and was able to bluff them out of a CEO salary and profit bonuses for nine years. This is the last time MGM hires anyone wearing a World Series of Poker bracelet.

Senator Ted Stevens said Wednesday he won't ask for a presidential pardon after his conviction cost him his seat. It's sad. These days President Bush will pardon anyone who will say a nice word about him, but so far everybody would rather do the time.

Eliot Spitzer's call girl Ashlee Dupre gave an interview to People magazine on Wednesday. Her tryst with the governor made world news. She got an angry call from her elderly nun grade-school teacher who wondered why she had turned into a Protestant.

Big Three automakers got a cold shoulder from Congress Wednesday when the CEOs made their pitch. They arrived in town to beg for money in separate private jets. It was a mistake to hire the Marie Antoinette Agency to handle their public relations, and now heads are going to roll.

Hollywood's Creative Coalition announced its Inaugural Ball plans Monday. They will charge Washington lobbyists a fortune to rub elbows with the stars. You can't imagine how much a guy with an elbow fetish will pay to stand next to Scarlett Johannson.

The Los Angeles Auto Show got underway Tuesday featuring the new super-charged Mustang. The Mustang has always inspired passion. The car's fold-down front seats used to be ideal for couples parking at the lake and now they make ideal studio apartments.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-24-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Somali pirates seized a Saudi oil tanker off Africa's coast Monday. The piracy is rampant because Somalia has no functioning government. It usually works out fine unless housing prices in California collapse and the pirates lose their bonuses.

Saudi Arabia negotiated with pirates who seized a tanker Tuesday. Pirate supply boats delivered food, cocaine and beer to the hijackers on the tanker. They know better than to wait for the Bush administration to rescue black people in the water.

Al-Qaeda's Ayman al-Zawahri called Barack Obama a House Negro Tuesday. That's insulting and also untrue. While it's true that a U.S. president is considered a servant, now that Wall Street's out of business the president is virtually unemployed.

Thanksgiving Day arrives Thursday with holiday travelers enduring more crowded planes due to fewer scheduled flights. It's not all bad. This year Thanksgiving Day gives the families of Minnesota and Alaska the chance to re-count their blessings.

John Edwards was tracked by tabloid reporters Tuesday trying to snatch his DNA to match it with his mistress's baby's. He's wealthy, white, male and Southern. Once the tabloids saw the little polo player on the baby's chest, they released the hounds.

Bill Clinton campaigned Wednesday for Georgia Senate candidate Jim Martin who's in a runoff with a GOP candidate. It's for the filibuster-proof margin. Once the Democrats get sixty Senate votes the Berlin Wall goes back up and we're on the wrong side of it.

Los Angeles wildfires were put out after burning hundreds of homes Monday. One was caused by students building a bonfire on a hot dry windy night. Budget cutbacks in Calfornia forced schools to drop the class which taught the sense God gave a goose.

Mexico City's mayor declared Monday the city will give free Viagra pills to men over seventy. He said sex is vital to happiness. The Vatican declared an emergency and sent a disaster relief team to Mexico City to hand out guilt at Red Cross centers.

Nancy Pelosi refused to schedule a lame-duck session Friday to give automakers billions and force them build advance vehicles. She's no fool. Democrats want to be in favor of fuel-efficient cars but they don't want to run for re-election on them.

Alaska's Senator Ted Stevens conceded defeat in his recount Friday. Had he won he would have been expelled, letting Sarah Palin name herself to succeed him in the Senate. There goes the last chance for Neiman-Marcus to salvage a decent fourth quarter.

The Massachusetts town of Attleboro threatened to evict a blind woman from her home Tuesday because she owed one cent on her water bill. It's an old Puritan town. They're upset because the bill was mailed on Friday and should have arrived by Monday.

Sarah Palin was served with an ethics complaint in Alaska Wednesday for doing TV interviews in the governor's office to promote her future presidential plans. It gets worse. Sarah Palin filed the complaint herself just to keep her name in the news.

Former Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle was named Secretary of Health and Human Services Wednesday. Health care reform is a priority in every administration. It's on the to-do list right after energy independence and a Cubs World Series victory.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-23-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Dick Cheney was indicted in South Texas Tuesday for profiting from the abuse of prisoners at federal detention centers run by a private company. He owns stock in the prison company. It shows the trouble you get into when you invest with your heart.

Somali pirates seized a Saudi oil tanker and demanded a ransom Monday. They're holding a hundred million dollars in oil and they want a ten million dollar ransom. Whoever it is is also likely to be holding a math degree from Los Angeles High School.

Somali pirates followed up their tanker hijacking Monday by seizing an Iranian cargo ship carrying thirty tons of grain from Iran to the West on Tuesday. What are the terrorists thinking? You can't bring down a skyscraper with a boatload of Wonder Bread.

Pittsburgh Steelers bettors rioted last Sunday when refs made the wrong call at the game's end, costing them a point-spread cover. It cost bettors sixty million dollars. The good news is that anybody who bet the house is now eligible for a federal bailout.

Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson warned of a lengthy bear market on Wall Street Tuesday. That's bad news. A bear market is a technical term for a six-to-twelve month period when kids get no allowance, women get no jewelry and men get no sex.

Barack Obama named Greg Craig, who represented Bill Clinton and Ted Kennedy in their last sex scandals, his White House Counsel Tuesday. It's a sign that the new president might be funny after all. Comedians can hear noises that other people can't.

The Iraqi cabinet passed a measure on Monday allowing U.S. and British troops to remain in their country for another three years. The occupation is getting old to the Iraqis and to the troops. Some of these guys were sent there to overthrow Saladin.

The BCS sold its college football title game to ESPN for one hundred and forty million dollars Monday. The system is silly. USC and Oklahoma are usually the best teams but the computer deducts points for lording it over everybody and binge drinking.

Ford rolled out a supercharged Mustang Tuesday a day after GM introduced their new Cadillac that goes two hundred miles an hour. Don't you love this country? We take a hundred years to put an electric car on the drawing board but gas prices drop two dollars a gallon and the rocket ships are on the showroom floor in two weeks.

Hillary Clinton expressed no fear Monday of being closely vetted for Secretary of State. Even Democrats question her qualifications. How can she be the nation's top diplomat when she couldn't even keep wars from breaking out in the Living Quarters?

The White House decided Monday to leave three hundred fifty billion dollars of the rescue money to the next administration. They bailed out the banks, and now the line for handouts includes homeowners, automakers, city and state governments and airlines. The last time President Bush saw lines this long it was on his coffee table.

Barack Obama's election was reported Tuesday to have brought a huge tourism boost to Southside Chicago. Bus tours show tourists Barack Obama's house, barber shop, and church. The neighborhood is glowing with pride, or that could be the light from the crack pipes.

The Pentagon was urged by one hundred generals Monday to let gays serve openly in the U.S. military. Gays have already made an important contribution. They were the first to point out that the Army's jungle camouflage matched the wrong quagmire.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-21-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Barack Obama's interview on CBS's 60 Minutes Sunday drew the biggest ratings for the show in ten years. He vowed to lobby for college football playoffs and end the BCS. They'd better do what he says, starting January 20th he has the nuclear football.

Somali pirates hijacked a Saudi Arabian oil super-tanker off the east coast of Africa Monday with three million barrels of oil. There's no reason to attack. At the rate the price of oil is falling the pirates will be out of business in two weeks.

Men's Health magazine this month lists ten ways for men to improve their prostate health. Too many men simply live with the problem. Ten percent of all men in Los Angeles get up and go to the bathroom at night while ninety percent get up and go home.

Newt Gingrich fired up the GOP conservative base Tuesday by saying that a gay fascism is now in existence inside this country. It's all because of Broadway. Mel Brooks would've gladly staged Springtime for Lincoln but Hitler is just plain funnier.

Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban faces a two million dollar fine from the SEC for insider trading. He sold a stock just before it went down. The fine is pretty lenient when you consider a lot of people on Wall Street want to burn him as a witch.

Journal Science reported Monday that ancient skeletons found in Saxony prove Stone Age man formed nuclear families. In one grave was found a man, a woman and two kids. GM executives told Congress if they'd driven a bigger car they'd be alive today.

Alan Keyes filed suit in California court to prevent the state's electoral votes from going to Barack Obama until he proves he was born in America. Some people say he was born in Africa and his Hawaiian birth certificate is fake. That's just our luck, America finally elects a black president and he turns out to be an illegal alien.

The Big Three automaker chairmen went before Congress Tuesday to testify about their plight and their need for a federal bailout. They only had half the crowd on their side. Republicans consider the need for money to be a serious character flaw.

Bill Clinton was asked to list the countries that fund his organization before Hillary can get a cabinet post. He's in trouble. It's a bad idea to be exposed as a foreign agent this close to a James Bond movie opening or the season premiere of 24.

Barack Obama reportedly offered the job of Attorney General to Eric Holder Tuesday. He was assistant Attorney General under Bill Clinton. The good thing about having former Clinton people interpreting the law for you is that oral sex is not adultery and they can prove it.

Barack Obama met with John McCain in Chicago Monday to discuss issues they can work on together. McCain has a long history of working with Democrats and Republicans in the U.S. Senate. He knows how to reach across the aisle and under the bathroom stall.

Iraq's cabinet agreed Monday to have U.S. troops stay in their country for three more years. Then we can leave. When we went in there, gasoline was two dollars a gallon, and now that gasoline is two dollars a gallon again we've achieved our goals.

Sarah Palin was interviewed by all the networks at the GOP governors conference in Florida. Nothing will stop her from running in four years. You knew she'd be back when everything in Yorba Linda burned last week except the Richard Nixon Library.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-20-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Barack Obama vowed on CBS's 60 Minutes Sunday he'll lobby for a college football playoff to replace the current computerized BCS rankings. That's how tenacious he is. The elections's been over for two weeks and he's still trying to carry the South.

The New York Stock Exchange opening bell was rung by circus clowns Friday. The clowns spent all day mingling with the brokers on the floor. The difference between a stockbroker and a clown is that little kids always cry when they see a stockbroker.

Motor Trend magazine gave rave reviews Tuesday to GM's new Cadillac which comes out this month. It's got a five hundred and fifty horsepower engine that can go two hundred miles an hour. There is a certain appeal to going down the way Custer did.

PBS aired a documentary called Secrets of the Bible on Monday claiming there's no archaeological evidence that Moses or the Exodus from Egypt existed. It shows that some men will dig in the desert for four years to try to prove that God is cool with adultery. This program was made possible by a grant from the Clinton Foundation.

Men's Fitness published a sex survey Monday showing the vast majority of women fake orgasms for the sake of their relationships. It gets worse. The same survey says the vast majority of men fake entire relationships for the sake of their orgasms.

Joan Rivers has a new show on TV Land in January where she knocks on the doors of strangers who live in Beverly Hills and ask them how they got so rich. Nobody answers the doors at those homes. They're afraid it's the sheriff coming to evict them.

Hillary Clinton's name was floated as a contender for the post of Secretary of State Monday. All good presidents try to bring in people who cover their weaknesses. Since Barack Obama has no weaknesses, he needs the Clintons to keep the comedians fed.

The Pentagon was urged by one hundred generals Monday to repeal the Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy and allow gays to serve openly in the military. First they want to get married, then they want to run away and join the Army. That's the usual pattern.

Prince Charles said Sunday that when he's King Charles II, he'll speak out on issues of the day and influence policy. Is this a good idea? When King Charles I went this route he ended up having to sit out three games with a severely dislocated head.

GM executives warned Monday if the Big Three automakers don't receive a federal bailout they may all file bankruptcy. It's bad news indeed for American drivers. The good news is, the sooner the dinosaurs die, the sooner we can drill in Michigan.

Los Angeles suburbs got swept by wildfires Sunday that burned down hundreds of hillside homes. Evacuation was slow. Stockbrokers and investment bankers who woke up Sunday morning and saw the flames outside their windows just assumed they had died.

The London Sun said a London woman is divorcing her husband after he digitally cheated on her in the online game, Second Life. She caught his cartoon alter-ego having sex with a pixel prostitute. Now he has to resign as the governor of Virtual New York.

The Wall Street Journal advised investors Friday to beware of investment advisers with sure-fire schemes and use your head. If you bought a thousand dollars worth of beer a year ago, the recycled cans would have netted you two hundred dollars Monday, a twenty percent return. So the best investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-19-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Osama bin Laden issued a statement to the world on Saturday saying that Barack Obama is a Muslim because his father was a Muslim. That's simply ridiculous. Does that make George W. Bush a good president just because his father was a good president?

Ringling Brothers was scheduled to go on trial for elephant abuse this week in Washington D.C. but the trial got delayed. They're having trouble finding an impartial jury. Everyone is so mad at Republicans they won't convict anyone who'd assault an elephant.

West Virginia made the news Monday when a survey said Huntington was the number-one city in residents with no teeth, poor health and obesity. At least they have the best investment bankers in the whole world. They have all their money in Grocery Sacks.

Mexico City's mayor said Monday the city will begin giving free anti-impotence pills to men over seventy. It's a humanitarian gesture. They heard the Los Angeles school system is laying off teachers and they want to do everything they can to help.

Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban was accused by the SEC of engaging in insider trading four years ago. Federal authorities say he was trying to avoid losses. If losses make Mark Cuban queasy he's making a mistake trying to buy the Chicago Cubs.

Tennessee Nazi teenagers went on trial Friday for planning to kill Barack Obama during the campaign. There simply isn't equal justice in this country. Hillary Clinton tried to knock off Barack Obama all year and she could get Secretary of State for it.

Barack Obama and Tina Fey were reported Monday to be the leading candidates for Time's annual Person of the Year award next month. They should share the magazine cover. The two of them are equally responsible for costing the Republicans the White House.

Iraq's cabinet agreed Monday to keep U.S. troops in their country for three more years and now the agreement faces debate in Iraq's parliament. U.S. troops are in no hurry. They would just as soon apply for Iraqi citizenship as come home in this job market.

John Kerry was reported Monday to be seeking the Secretary of State nomination. His skills are well-known. He lost the presidential race four years ago when any idiot could have beaten President Bush, but John Kerry proved he's not just any idiot.

President Bush trumpeted his economic policy in Washington Saturday. It's been a success. He ran for president on the promise of the Ownership Society and after eight years the government owns the banks and they are about to buy the auto industry.

Moammar Khaddafi sent the U.S. a billion dollars Monday to pay for Libyan terror attacks twenty years ago. He'll die old. Unlike other comedians in the Middle East, Mo Khadaffi knows how to walk the fine line between getting laughs and getting hanged.

The National Enquirer obtained a soiled diaper of the infant denied by John Edwards Friday and they're looking for a DNA sample from Edwards for a paternity test. He's sunk. Barbers in Beverly Hills send their kids to college by saving everybody's hair sample.

Sarah Palin gave a speech to the GOP Governors Conference which got terrible reviews. She's like a turtle sitting on a fence post. You know she didn't get up there by herself, she doesn't belong up there, she doesn't know what to do up there, you simply wonder what kind of idiot would put her up there in the first place.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-18-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

The White House hosted a World Economic Summit Saturday. They drew up a thirty-seven point plan to save the world. The first point was a directive to Barack Obama to make loaves and fishes and the next thirty-six points were recipes for sandwiches.

Los Angeles was swept by brushfires fanned by heat and wind Saturday. Hundreds of houses burned down. Police in Orange County are going door-to-door trying to find the Republican who asked God for help with the oversupply of homes on the market.

Nebraska lawmakers were called into special session Saturday to re-visit the state's Safe Haven Law. This law allows parents to abandon a child at a hospital without any legal penalty. You knew Sarah Palin was running for president in four years when she didn't drop off her props in Omaha on her last swing through Nebraska.

Sarah Palin was ridiculed by Democrats Friday the moment she re-surfaced at the Republican Governors Conference. They're relentless. Liberals are determined to destroy Sarah Palin as soon as possible because they know that Nixon takes many forms.

Hillary Clinton was named a candidate for Secretary of State Friday. She could be used better. If Barack Obama had made Hillary his vice president he could ride through Dallas with the top down and Republicans would jump in front of a bullet for him.

Hillary Clinton flew to Chicago to discuss the Secretary of State job with the president-elect Friday. Why give up her U.S. Senate seat? As Secretary of State you serve at the pleasure of the president, and she always delegated that to the interns.

The Secret Service refused to grant clearance Friday to the South Side Chicago barber shop where Barack Obama gets his hair cut. They say the neighborhood's too dangerous. Whenever families there plan their budgets, they allow for stick-up money.

President Bush said Thursday he will do all he can to facilitate the transfer of power before he leaves the White House. He will be missed by comedians. Of all the men who ever sat in the Oval Office, President Bush has no equals, only superiors.

British Prime Minister Gordon Brown amazed the Council on Foreign Relations in New York Friday by urging a global tax cut to stimulate the economy. And he's the Labor Party leader. Now that Republicans are safely defeated, everybody's for tax cuts.

Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson said Saturday the bailout will only apply to banks and thrifts and not to the long line of corporations asking for access to the rescue fund. The CEOs are putting on a good act. The shoeshine guy at the Washington D.C. airport charges ten dollars for a shoeshine and a hundred and fifty for a scruff-up.

The United Auto Workers said Saturday they won't make any concessions on wages or benefits to help the Big Three. First things first. Investors are just starting to realize that General Motors is a health care provider that makes cars on the side.

General Motors went to Congress for bailout help on Friday. The automaker faces a tough choice as gas prices plummet. They can either make low-profit hybrid cars or high-profit SUVs, and GM executives must decide between ribs or burgers for lunch.

Conde Nast publishers in New York canceled their famous annual Christmas Party for journalists Friday, citing cost-cutting. It's not the real reason. The truth is they didn't want to give the employees the new security code to get back into the building.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-17-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

The New York Stock Exchange took stock investors on another harrowing ride Thursday. The Dow fell four hundred, then went up nine hundred. It's like they are trying to kill everyone who has heart disease before the national health care plan takes effect.

NBC's Saturday Night Live filled two cast openings Thursday to replace the departing Amy Poehler. The cast members must be masters of improvisation who can make it up as they go along and get laughs. Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson joins the cast in January.

Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson Wednesday canceled the federal buyout of toxic assets from banks. The derivatives are a mess. Nobody knows which securities are backed by actual mortgages and which ones are backed by Max Bialystock's word as a gentleman.

Sarah Palin was the star at the GOP governors' conference Thursday. She refused to take the blame for the loss of John McCain. He wandered off sometime after midnight and she's not assigned to the guard tower between three and six in the morning.

The GOP governors conference discussed ways to appeal to more voters this past weekend. They must stop denying science. Polls show that while thirty percent of Republicans believe in evolution, only three percent of monkeys believe in Republicans.

Hillary Clinton was reported a candidate for Secretary of State Thursday. She is close to the new first lady. Michelle Obama asked Hillary for pointers last week, but Hillary explained that to keep Bill in line, Rottweilers worked a lot better than Pointers.

The Vatican gave permission to a photographer Thursday to shoot calendar photos of twelve hunky, sexy Roman Catholic seminary students. They're studying for the priesthood. When the church promised to turn over a new leaf, we didn't know it would be a fig leaf.

Connecticut legalized gay marriage Tuesday, one week after Massachusetts voters legalized marijuana. It's amazing. Long ago, when the Pilgrims landed in New England, little did the people in the villages realize they'd someday be the Village People.

The Supreme Court ruled Wednesday that the U.S. Navy can run sonar tests off the California coast. Environmentalists said sonar makes ocean mammals deaf. At least they think it's sonar, they can't get the whales and dolphins to admit they're abusing OxyContin.

House Democrats demanded a bailout for struggling homeowners and auto companies Thursday. GOP congressmen defended bankers who took bailout money but won't loan it out. If Washington D.C. wanted to build the world's biggest zoo, all they'd have to do is put a fence around the U.S. Capitol.

The Washington D.C. school board urged Michelle Obama Thursday to enroll her two daughters in the District's public schools. They bragged about their high student scores in math and science. Nowhere do kids learn faster how many grams are in a kilo.

Valkyrie starring Tom Cruise opens in December about the real-life brave German colonel who tried to blow up Hitler during World War II. However, it's hard for audiences to root for a Nazi war hero. Every time somebody makes this movie, Hitler survives but the studio gets killed.

Former GOP congressman Jim Leach was asked to represent Barack Obama Friday at the World Economic Conference. Ten years ago he wrote the bill that tore down the firewall protecting commercial banks from Wall Street speculation. Osama bin Laden refers to him as Babe Ruth.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-16-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Sarah Palin was asked at the GOP conference in Miami Wednesday if she will run for the White House. She replied if it's God's will she'll plow through that door. She is four years away from the job and already her Secret Service code name is Janet Reno.

The National Football League slated three games on Thanksgiving Day to run one right after the other. Call it a public service. The NFL wants to do all it can to keep relatives from talking to each other while there is a carving knife on the table.

Boston University researchers published a study Friday saying recreational cocaine use may cause early heart problems. The drug has a widely-accepted medical use. Los Angeles plastic surgeons use cocaine to solicit boob jobs on the dance floor.

Quantum of Solace starring Daniel Craig as James Bond opened Friday in America after a record London opening. The character is evolving. He doesn't sleep with his leading lady, but three times he asks his boss M if she ever saw Harold and Maude.

Sotheby's auction house on Wednesday reported plummeting demand for vintage wines, art and jewelry. It's bad. During the last sale in New York, the auctioneer sold himself for a hundred dollars plus drinks and was lucky to get the minimum bid.

Las Vegas hotel owner Shelly Adelson put five hundred million of his own money into his Sands Hotel Wednesday to help it avoid bankruptcy. It's amazing. At the start of the year he was the third richest man in America on the Forbes list, and after losing sixty billion dollars in the last month he's moved up to the second spot.

Former Congressman Mark Foley on Wednesday blamed his misbehavior on abuse by a priest when he was a child. He said the priest told him the sex act was good for him. Priests have since cleaned up their act, however stockbrokers have rushed in to fill the void.

Dick Cheney met Joe Biden at the vice president's residence Thursday to discuss the transfer of power. The job has changed. The vice president used to just go overseas to attend the funerals of foreign leaders, but now he gets to decide who we hang.

NBC News put Joe Scarborough on a seven-second delay Wednesday for swearing on his morning talk show. He's had problems with the network before. Last month NBC News took him off the air for a week when he mentioned Barack Obama's name without crossing himself.

Barack Obama's team hinted Thursday he may keep Secretary of Defense Bob Gates at his post. It makes sense now. When Barack Obama said he would pull U.S. troops out of Iraq within thirty days, we didn't know yet that he only talks in Biblical days.

The Barack Obama fashion line was launched by a clothing designer in Bosnia on Wednesday to capitalize on the president-elect's popularity. Well, that's gratitude for you. Bill Clinton personally saved Bosnia and he didn't get so much as a shoe deal.

Barack Obama huddled with his advisers all week and worked on picking his cabinet. He faces more problems than any incoming president in memory. Iran is testing missiles, Russia is threatening Poland, the economic crisis is getting worse each day and his mother-in-law is moving in with him.

The Mercantile Exchange saw oil fall to fifty-six dollars a barrel Wednesday as gas hit a dollar fifty a gallon. Suddenly there's no interest at all in alternative fuels. Ed Begley Jr. is once again the only white guy riding on the bus in Los Angeles.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-14-08

OKLAHOMA CITY--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Sarah Palin was flooded by offers from Beverly Hills talent agents Monday. She is the only stock that's going up. We knew Barack Obama was smart, if only we had known that when he said millions of Americans cling to God and guns, it was a stock tip.

New York Mets legend Mike Piazza signed a deal with Simon and Schuster Thursday to write his autobiography. He was some role model. Mike Piazza made the position of catcher so glamorous that today every other homeowner in the country is a squatter.

Tampa Bay Rays star Evan Longoria was voted Rookie of the Year by the Sporting News. Florida retirees aren't that interested in who wins Rookie of the Year. They got much more excited last year when a proctologist in Miami won the Gold Glove Award.

Josh Brolin got rave reviews for playing the gay lover of slain San Francisco Supervisor Harvey Milk. It saved his career. He just gave a portrayal of President Bush so sympathetic and understanding that even Republicans threw popcorn at the screen.

The New York Times was victimized by a hoax edition which hit the newsstands on Wednesday. It headlined the end of the Iraq war and President Bush's indictment for treason. People didn't realize it was a hoax til they saw the naked girl on Page Three.

General Motors canceled its appearance at the Los Angeles Auto Show next week to cut costs. How bad is the company's financial condition? General Motors said it is saving its money to go to the January auto show in Detroit, and they can walk there.

John Edwards made his first public appearance since his sex scandal at Indiana University on Tuesday. His adulterous affair was discovered thanks to telephone tips to tabloids. John Edwards forgot when he split Hillary's votes in Iowa and cost her the nomination that she has had the National Enquirer on speed-dial for sixteen years.

Dick Cheney reported to the Andrews Air Force Base medical center Saturday for an emergency check-up. His heart was racing and his knees were wobbly. The doctor put him on anti-depressants and ordered him to stop opening his brokerage statements.

Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska remained in a recount with his Democratic opponent Thursday. He was just convicted of fraud and graft in federal court. Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it may be a better idea to change the locks.

President Bush focused attention Wednesday on raising money for his library at SMU. He missed the boat. There's one person who would benefit from having his name engraved on the George W. Bush Library wall and Rodney Dangerfield died four years ago.

Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson abandoned his plan Wednesday to buy back toxic bank assets. So far everything they've proposed has tanked the markets. Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it.

President Bush said Monday he's looking forward to Texas and enjoying his free time. All his money's been in T-bills for eight years to avoid conflict of interest. President Bush has so arranged it that he's the only person in America able to retire.

The Supreme Court heard from a fringe cult Tuesday which is demanding equal space for its Seven Aphorisms next to the Ten Commandments in a city park. They should take them all down. Who can relax in a park where they have seventeen rules staring at you?


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-13-08

OKLAHOMA CITY--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Sarah Palin discussed her future political plans during her Fox News interview with Greta Van Susteren this week. She's not going away. Sarah Palin is God's way of reminding Barack Obama if he turns out not to be funny, America has other options.

President Bush invited Barack Obama to the White House Monday. He did his best to be gracious at the front door. President Bush said congratulations and extended his hand and the White House usher shook his hand, wondering if he is getting a bonus or something.

The New York Stock Exchange remained open on Veterans Day. However the trading didn't begin until everyone stood for the playing of Taps. A lot of traders who didn't know it was Veterans Day merely assumed the new jobs report had been released.

Florida porn producer Cezar Capone offered Sarah Palin two million bucks to do a porn movie. We can guess the plot. Every time she takes off an article of clothing a team of Republican attorneys will scoop it up and try to return it to Neiman Marcus.

The Automobile Club reported Monday gasoline prices in Oklahoma and Texas fell to a dollar fifty a gallon at the pump. Americans are adjusting happily. Boone Pickens's windmills are now being powered by the breeze from the Corvettes going by.

Kansas Democrats proposed Monday that November fourth be designated a national holiday to forever mark the election of Barack Obama. One thing's for sure. When God gives Bill Clinton a bad year it lasts the full three hundred and sixty-five days.

The Washington Post admitted Monday that its coverage of Barack Obama was a bit worshipful. They aren't alone. The TV network accountants just discovered to their delight they don't have to pay taxes anymore because religious broadcasters are exempt.

Barack Obama told reporters Tuesday that his mother-in-law Marian Robinson will live in the White House and care for his two daughters. Democrats don't like it. They think he's trying to get around the requirement to hire a union babysitter.

Senator Robert Byrd resigned as Appropriations Committee Chairman Friday. He's been understandably depressed. Senator Byrd lost his wife, and he's at the age where the only two women that eHarmony will set him up with are Cloris Leachman and Madonna.

John Edwards returned to the public eye with a speech in Indiana Tuesday. He's an important figure in the Democratic Party. Now that Bill Clinton has been pushed off the stage, John Edwards is everybody's choice for the job of Designated Adulterer.

President Bush finalized regulations to permanently outlaw Internet gambling in the U.S. Monday. He doesn't want banks to enable degenerate gambling. It'd be nice if he'd told us this when Wall Street was selling credit default swaps for no money down.

President Bush marked his last Veterans Day in office Tuesday on a pier in New York, giving a pep talk to the crew of the USS Intrepid. His tone was wistful. Once George W. Bush leaves office not even the clown at the drive-thru will take his orders.

President Bush denied reports Monday he offered Barack Obama a federal bailout for Detroit automakers in return for free trade with Colombia. It simply didn't happen. There's absolutely no link between free trade with Colombia and the bailout for the U.S. auto industry, unless you count the cocaine found in Lindsay Lohan's Escalade.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-12-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

President Bush welcomed Barack Obama to the White House Monday. By all reports the two had a great meeting. For eight years President Bush told everybody that he talked to Jesus but Democrats didn't believe it until they saw the pictures Monday.

President Bush's body language was under close scrutiny when he walked out of the Oval Office with Barack Obama Monday. He flinched when the next president patted him on the shoulder. President Bush didn't react well when he read in the paper that Barack Obama plans to restore the international agreement between nouns and verbs.

Laura Bush met Michelle Obama Monday and reportedly discussed raising children in the White House. Presidents always send their kids to private schools in Washington. If they sent them to public school, the Secret Service would be outgunned.

The Mayflower Hotel in Washington redecorated its rooms with organic materials to please the Inaugural crowd Monday. Democrats are radical environmentalists. Even the hookers coming into town for the Inaugural will be wearing fishnet stockings made out of hemp.

The White House handed another forty billion dollars to AIG Monday on top of the seven hundred billion dollar bailout bill. The president's approval rating has lately been improving. Americans are just starting to realize that we will forever be in his debt.

The New York Post printed a detailed two-page foldout of Barack Obama's family tree Monday. He is President Bush's eleventh cousin and Dick Cheney's thirteenth cousin. That means he's genetically predisposed to attacking Iran on his mother's side.

China was accused Monday of hacking the laptops of the presidential candidates during the campaign to try to learn what they know. It backfired. They hacked into Sarah Palin's laptop and now they think that Tina Fey is one of Satan's many disguises.

Sarah Palin headlined a GOP fundraising banquet in Boca Raton Monday. She drew a full house. She raised a million dollars for the Republican Party but once she deducts her wardrobe costs, they'll be lucky if they can cover the cost of the dinner.

Joe Biden was assigned the code name Celtic by the White House Secret Service detail Monday. It's critically important that he's protected. God gave America Joe Biden so that white comedians would have something to do for the next eight years.

Caroline Kennedy was reportedly under consideration Monday to be U.S. Ambassador to Great Britain. Last January she endorsed Barack Obama for president over Hillary, and the Clintons couldn't attack her. Nobody would believe she lives in a trailer park.

John McCain made his first post-election TV appearance Tuesday on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno at NBC in Burbank. It was extremely brave of him to go to NBC. The last time this guy ventured into enemy territory it took him five years to get home again.

Beverly Hills pawn shops reported Monday that they're doing record business since the market crash. One pawn shop has sixty Porsches, Ferraris, and Bentleys in its lot. The paparazzi are waiting at bus stops to get photographs of stars arriving at nightclubs.

The Mormon Temple in Los Angeles was picketed Saturday by gay protesters. They are angry over the Mormon Church's financial support of the California ballot measure outlawing gay marriage. The Mormon Church was founded on the belief that marriage is a sacred institution between a man and all the women in his zip code.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-11-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Sarah Palin brushed off gossip by anonymous McCain aides Thursday. They called her a hillbilly who spends money like crazy and thinks Africa is a nation, not a continent. It's the best impression of a Powerball Lottery winner anybody ever saw.

San Francisco officials decided Friday to build a suicide prevention net under the Golden Gate Bridge. There are environmental concerns. Between the stock market crash and the ban on gay marriage, all the splashing has begun to annoy the sea lions.

Quantum of Solace with Daniel Craig as James Bond opens Friday. It tells why the spy became a womanizer. James Bond became a womanizer for the same reason Clark Gable and Errol Flynn became womanizers, because respect for women doesn't sell tickets.

London attorney Fiona Shackleton was hired by Madonna last week to represent her in her divorce from director Guy Ritchie. She also represented Paul McCartney and Prince Charles. The only way to beat an attorney that good is to die with nothing.

New York's disgraced former governor Eliot Spitzer was spared federal charges Thursday over his hooker scandal. We all owe him an apology. Eliot Spitzer was the top cop on Wall Street, and as soon as he was forced to step down the thieves ran wild.

Barney the Scottish Terrier bit a White House reporter who reached down to pet him Thursday. The doctor immediately put the reporter on antibiotics. Barney must be a chemical or a biological weapon because President Bush is about to be overthrown.

President Bush met with Barack Obama in the Oval Office for official briefings Monday. It made quite a picture. The most unbelievable thing about Barack Obama's election as president is that my hedge fund manager correctly predicted it a year ago.

Barack Obama's election as president was hailed by newspapers in world capitals last week. It certainly sends a different signal to our adversaries in the Third World. Fidel Castro has outsmarted ten presidents but it's gotten progressively easier.

Rahm Emanuel was named the next White House Chief of Staff Friday. He delights in his reputation as a bare-knuckle partisan infighter. He's been called vengeful and mean and temperamental and foul-mouthed, and that's just his mom bragging about him.

Antigua's President Baldwin Spencer renamed the highest point in his island nation Mount Obama Friday. That country has always revered Democrats in the White House. Once they wanted to name the peak after President Clinton, but Mount Anything That Moves didn't fit on the map.

Afghan President Hamid Karzai blamed Taliban gains on the record poppy harvest Friday. Opium profits give them more money than they can spend. California's budget problems would be over if we could just loosen up a little and let farmers be farmers.

Dick Cheney went to Andrews Air Force Base's medical center on Saturday to get his knees X-rayed. It's the falling price of oil. He just heard from his blind trust and they advised him to get everything taken care of while he's still got insurance.

Guns and Ammo magazine reported Friday there's been a surge in sales at gun stores this fall leading up to the national election. It's pop culture. When Paris Hilton was hot, women everywhere wanted a Chihuahua, now they want to shoot moose and get pregnant.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-10-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Wall Street fell nine hundred points in the first two days after Barack Obama's election. It figures. Everyone was so worried about the riot damage by Democrats if Barack Obama lost they forgot about the cost of the Republican riot if he won.

Barack Obama held his first post-election press conference Friday. The markets were extremely sensitive to his comments. As soon as he said we only have one president at a time the Dow Jones dropped a hundred points on the depressing reminder.

Sarah Palin was accused Friday of spending a fortune on campaign clothing with the GOP credit card. They said she went wild at Neiman's and Saks from coast to coast. She did more to keep the country out of a depression than the bailout bill did.

Sarah Palin flew home to Alaska after being defeated for national office. She's not the only one who's sad. For the next thirty days, the American flag at the Comedy Store will fly at half-staff in grief over a national punchline cut down in its prime.

Joe the Plumber said Tuesday he may run for Congress in two years. He launched a citizens' watchdog website to keep an eye on congressional spending. You'd think if he was that big an expert on public waste he would have his plumber's license by now.

Arnold Schwarzenegger reacted angrily to the state budget deficit Thursday. He proposed canceling dental care for the unemployed and slashing subsidies to the elderly. The idea is to run everyone out of Los Angeles who's too old to get a TV show.

Oprah Winfrey went political Thursday, claiming she got racist calls during the campaign. She could be forced to leave the country. Oprah Winfrey worked so hard to elect Barack Obama and she didn't get around to reading his tax plan until last night.

Barack Obama named Rahm Emanuel as his chief of staff Tuesday. Rahm in Hebrew means thunder and Barack in Arabic means lightning. The prospects for Mideast peace in this administration don't look good but the prospects for special effects are excellent.

Barack Obama got his first intelligence briefing Thursday, telling him the real threats to America. He was a different man when he came out. He urged Americans to eat all the turkey you can this Thanksgiving because every meal could be your last.

Barack Obama vowed Wednesday to eliminate any loopholes in U.S. law that might still allow torture. The policy needs a little cleaning up. Under the current law any U.S. agent or U.S. soldier who engages in torture could get five years in the electric chair.

President Bush vowed Thursday to work with Barack Obama on a transition that's orderly. If his tax cuts expire in April, people with children will owe hundreds of dollars more in taxes. The good news is a lot of new jobs in kidnapping would open up.

President Bush teared up while giving a speech to his staff at the White House Thursday. It sounded like a farewell speech, but he's not leaving yet. If he tries to slip away before his term is up he could be arrested for leaving the scene of a crime.

San Francisco voters defeated a measure to rename their sewage treatment plant after President Bush Tuesday. The plant is mostly underground. It's not that President Bush has become more popular, it's just that they decided to name it after Dow Jones.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-9-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Barack Obama offered himself as an example of hope to a cheering Chicago crowd Tuesday. It whipped the crowd into a frenzy. If America can elect a black man president whose middle name is Hussein then next year's the year for the Chicago Cubs.

John McCain conceded graciously at the Arizona Biltmore Tuesday. He then went into the grill room for a late dinner. An Arizona Republican's dinner consists of a steak, a bottle of Scotch and a dog, the purpose of the dog being to eat the steak.

Newsweek reported on Thursday that Sarah Palin spent tons of campaign money on clothes for herself and her family. A staffer described it as hillbillies looting Neiman Marcus from coast to coast. Only the wedding gift departments went untouched.

Sarah Palin was swarmed by reporters at the Arizona Biltmore Wednesday asking if she will run for president in four years. She's going back to where she can see Siberia from her house. It's the penalty for being funnier than the top of the ticket.

President Bush congratulated Barack Obama Wednesday in a message from the Rose Garden. The president was gracious, conciliatory, complimentary and eloquent. At first everyone thought it was a Bush impersonator but it didn't sound enough like him.

Reverend Jesse Jackson was spotted by television cameras at Barack Obama's victory rally Tuesday night with tears streaming down his face. It wasn't an uncommon sight. A lot of people cry when they are forced out of business.

California voters passed a law banning same-sex marriage Tuesday as did voters in Florida and Arizona. One look at the three states on a map tells you all you need to know. The only thing that gay couples hate more than discrimination is winter.

West Hollywood held a huge gay protest march Wednesday after California voters banned same-sex marriage. Emotions are running high. Gay marriage is opposed by evangelical Christians and Mormons, who define marriage as a union between Republicans.

Condi Rice flew to the Middle East for peace talks Wednesday. A new poll shows ninety percent of Americans are confused about foreign policy. Those are alarming figures, especially when you consider that the poll was taken at the State Department.

Barack Obama's election drew rave reviews from Ten Downing Street and leaders in Europe. It was an American civics lesson to the world. Barack Obama proved it doesn't matter what color you are, Bill Clinton proved it doesn't matter how poor you are, George W. Bush proved it doesn't matter how smart you are, anyone can become president.

Mayor Mike Bloomberg ordered all New York taxi companies to use hybrid cars in five years. It saves more than money. The slow speed and terrible acceleration of these cars will give New York cab drivers something to complain about besides Zionism.

Chevron reported another quarter of record high profits on Friday. It prompted the usual call for gun control in the Senate. Every time the family oil company announces its quarterly earnings, Jay Rockefeller shoots another hole in the ceiling.

The U.S. Treasury forced banks to accept billions of dollars last week with orders to loan it out to begin the president's rescue plan. There's an easier way. The day before, a bank teller pulled out a gun and ordered a customer to deposit all his money.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-7-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Barack Obama was elected president of the United States on Tuesday. It was one for the history books. The Republicans feel the same way the British felt after Yorktown, thanks to some idiot named George on the throne they lost the entire country.

Barack Obama delivered an eloquent victory speech Tuesday at Chicago's Grant Park. It drew one hundred and twenty-five thousand men and women to the park that night. Everybody is sick and tired of trying to find the right person on the Internet.

Newsweek reported Sarah Palin once emerged from a hotel shower wearing a towel to meet with two male campaign staffers. No big deal. She'd paid three thousand dollars for that towel at Neiman Marcus and she wanted to get a little wear out of it.

Barack Obama reportedly asked U.S. Congressman Rahm Emanuel of Illinois to serve as his White House Chief of Staff on Wednesday. Critics say that if they work together, Chicago will rule the world. It can only mean one thing, Prohibition is finished.

Oprah Winfrey revealed to reporters after the election Wednesday that she got racist phone calls when she refused to invite Sarah Palin on her show. It's her own fault. She really shouldn't be giving out her home phone number to guys she meets on the Internet.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi vowed Wednesday to pass the change she says the voters want at a deliberate pace. Everyone's looking for change. The only lines longer than the ones at the polls are the lines at the machines where people cash in their pennies.

President Bush offered his full cooperation with Barack Obama Wednesday during the transition period. He doesn't want step down on a sour note. When Bill Clinton left office he wasn't allowed to join Pebble Beach Golf Club, and it's a public course.

Barack Obama led the Democrats to huge gains in both the House and the U.S. Senate Tuesday. It looks like he's already free of one campaign promise. Barack Obama doesn't have to reach across the aisle to Republicans if there's nobody sitting there.

Newt Gingrich was urged to be the next GOP Chairman Wednesday. He left his first wife for his second wife then left her for his intern, resulting in his resignation as House Speaker. With the Clintons out of the picture, the adultery vote is there for the taking by Republicans, and it's easily spun into a matter of personal liberty.

John McCain lost Tuesday, four years after fellow Vietnam vet John Kerry lost, four years after Vietnam vet Al Gore lost. These guys can't win anything. It's why Vietnam vets get free flights to Vegas and free hotel rooms, compliments of the house.

The Automobile Club reported that gasoline prices at the pump dipped below two dollars a gallon for the first time in over a year. It's a good start. The first sign of economic recovery is when Americans can afford to drive the cars they live in
.
Century City lawyer Henry Bushkin began shopping a tell-all book to publishers Monday about his client Johnny Carson's personal secrets. It's very revealing. You can tell by who's looking for book deals who got killed in the stock market last month.

Exxon Mobil reported another record quarterly profit Wednesday, posting fifteen billion in earnings. They don't waste a drop. Last week an oil pipeline leak in Alaska was spotted when a helicopter pilot noticed a herd of SUVs licking at the snow.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-6-08

OKLAHOMA CITY--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Barack Obama won election to be the forty-fourth president of the United States on Tuesday. It was a campaign launched by his opposition to the war. Barack Obama was so annoyed that President Bush doesn't have an exit strategy that he gave him one.

Barack Obama won Tuesday giving the Democrats control of Congress and the White House. World reaction poured in. Australia's prime minister offered political asylum, safe passage and new identities to Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh and Sarah Palin.

Barack Obama won Tuesday by carrying states that were traditionally Republican strongholds as well as New England and the West Coast. It was a victory of historic proportions. For the second time in her life, Michelle Obama was proud of her country.

Barack Obama had a huge event in Chicago's Grant Park Tuesday. Forty years ago during the Democratic convention, the park was filled with hippies and Black Power groups. They had no idea they'd be back forty years later as senior campaign advisors.

John McCain campaigned non-stop in the thirty-six hours leading up to Election Day. He was gracious at the end. The great thing about a guy like John McCain is that he never holds a grudge, as soon as he gets even with you he forgets all about it.

Joe Biden got to vote for himself twice on Tuesday in Delaware. He was running both for vice president and for re-election as U.S. senator. When Joe Biden says on the campaign trail that he's concerned about unemployment, he's not talking about you.

Babes in Toyland sex toy store in Manhattan offered free vibrators for anybody who said they voted Tuesday. Are we a great country or what? In Iraq they give you a purple finger if you've voted, and in New York they give you a contented expression.

The Center for Media said Monday that late-night comics told seven times more jokes on Republicans than on Democrats. Think it through. John McCain took public financing and the only way he could get any airtime was to pick Sarah Palin as his running mate.

Bill and Hillary Clinton spent Monday in Minnesota stumping for Senate candidate Al Franken. He's a former Saturday Night Live cast member. Who would have guessed that Saturday Night Live would have a bigger stake in this election than Wall Street?

Fox News Channel won the ratings among cable news networks election night. The coverage was scrupulously neutral. However, every ten minutes it was interrupted by a commercial for Cialis or Viagra, so everyone thinks we're getting screwed either way.

Jeb Bush emerged Tuesday as an appealing presidential candidate to Republicans in the next election. His career has been revitalized. Everyone was surprised to see another Bush's hand come thrusting up through the ground, Halloween was last week.

President Bush spent Election Day inside the White House and hosted a birthday dinner for the First Lady. He has no public appearances through Sunday. He was scheduled to pardon a turkey next week, but Dick Cheney said he doesn't want his pity.

President Bush got blamed for the loss Tuesday by Republicans. He missed the warning signs of 9-11, invaded the wrong country, wrecked the economy, nationalized the banks, and watched as New Orleans drowned. Al-Qaeda just sent him an honorary membership card which gives him a ten percent discount at any restaurant in Pakistan.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-5-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

The Hubble Telescope sent back photographs which astonished astronomers Monday, showing that the planet Mercury is covered in a mysterious blue gooey substance. It's no mystery. It's just Tim Russert out there somewhere awarding Mercury to Barack Obama.

Election Day had the biggest voter turnout ever Tuesday. The voters faced three choices. We had to elect an older president, or a younger president, or place the U.S. under British trusteeship til the Baby Boom generation can produce a responsible adult.

The Gallup Poll early exit polls Tuesday showed that the top issue for American voters was the economy. Things have changed a lot. Eight years ago you were asked to vote for the candidate with whom you'd rather have a beer, and Tuesday we elected the candidate we thought will drive us to rehab without any further damage to the car.

Sarah Palin told Ohio Monday that Tina Fey should keep the Saturday Night Live costumes because she'll be playing her for a long time. They should give lessons to each other. Sarah Palin is a natural comedian while Tina Fey politicked her way to the top.

Monday Night Football's Chris Berman interviewed John McCain and Barack Obama during halftime Monday. Most players backed Obama. In his honor the Cincinnati Bengals announced plans this weekend to observe a moment without a nightclub shooting.

John McCain was red-faced after Dick Cheney endorsed him Sunday. The Democrats quickly aired the videotape in an Obama ad. It gives John McCain the distinction of being the only American pilot to be shot down by both the communists and the fascists.

Barack Obama upset coal miners on Monday after he was heard on tape vowing to bankrupt coal producers. Coal mining is one of the few remaining American industries that pays workers really well. This proves once and for all that Mexicans are afraid of the dark.

Joe Biden was in Missouri Monday where he spoke to a crowd in Lee's Summit. He cited the town's Confederate namesake. Joe Biden stood onstage and reminded them that the nation united after General Grant went on television and conceded to Robert E. Lee.

John Edwards did no campaigning for the national ticket last weekend due to his sex scandal. He'd never hurt the party. The morning he slept with his mistress he changed his affiliation to Republican and went back to the Democrats the following day.

President Bush laid low all weekend with no invitation to speak at rallies for Republicans. He hardly comes outside anymore. President Bush stays at his twenty-five percent approval rating year after year as if it were a rent-controlled apartment.

President Bush spoke to the FBI graduating class in Washington D.C. Thursday and defended his wiretapping program. He said we must hear the calls coming into the U.S. The only mystery now is why President Bush named his dog Barney instead of Snoopy.

The Treasury Department worked Monday to give relief to over-extended homeowners and auto companies on top of nine banks, Bear Stearns and AIG. It's all courtesy of the taxpayer. Rickey Henderson's Major League record for most steals was broken halfway through the bailout bill.

The Federal Election Commission stated Monday that the presidential candidates together spent more than a billion dollars over the last two years trying to get a four hundred thousand dollar a year job. No one knows why. If it's not the money there must be a sexual gratification in the power to appoint judges that nobody else knows about.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-4-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Election Day, and how's everybody?

The U.S. Constitution requires Americans to elect a new president Tuesday. There are no losers on this day. The winner's supporters will think they have a mandate to rule and the loser's supporters will live in a parallel universe in which they won.

Election Day arrives today and for the first time in thirty-two years we won't have a Bush or a Clinton on the national ballot. Expect a record-high voter turnout. All you have to do is give the people what they want and they will show up every time.

The Federal Election Commission predicted Friday that a hundred and thirty million people will vote today. Everyone will watch the historic results tonight. For Anglo-Saxon males it will be only the forty-fourth chance to see one of our own elected president.

John McCain and Barack Obama vowed change if elected president. They would replace a guy who invaded Iraq, tripled gas prices, crashed the stock market and took over the banks. Either candidate would have won in a landslide by promising to Change Back.

John McCain appeared on Saturday Night Live Saturday. He showed up with a flag of truce. From now on when a nominee considers vice presidents he'll check three times to make sure they don't have any look-alikes on the cast of Saturday Night Live.

Sarah Palin appeared at three campaign events in Florida Saturday to capitalize on her appeal to evangelical voters in the state. She helps conservative candidates all over the South. While there she picked up the endorsement of Unplanned Parenthood.

Barack Obama's campaign confirmed news reports on Saturday that Barack Obama's aunt, Zeituni Onyango from Kenya, is living in the United States illegally. The Republicans are outraged. They're convinced it's a last minute trick to carry Arizona.

The Bush administration was reported Friday to have denied Barack Obama's aunt a visa. There are no illegals in the Bush family. When the Bushes landed at Ellis Island, they planted a flag and claimed it in the name of King Charles II and England.

Barack Obama spent the early part of the weekend stumping for votes in Arizona and Nevada. His audiences were enthusiastic. In the desert Southwest Barack Obama has replaced the Virgin Mary as the number-one sighting on grilled cheese sandwiches.

Senator Elizabeth Dole was sued by her opponent Kay Hagan Friday for claiming in an ad that she was godless. It's a rough sport. One candidate told her voters that her husband's a coke dealer because she doesn't want them to know he's an investment banker.

President Bush warned Americans of rough times ahead following the Wall Street meltdown in October. His own prospects are good. The MGM Grand had planned to offer President Bush a job as a greeter in the casino but now they've decided to hire him as a cooler.

White House construction workers began putting together the Inaugural Day stands on Saturday. Outside his window, the president can hear sawing and hammering on the scaffolding. It's the first good laugh Saddam Hussein's had since he went to hell.

Osama bin Laden announced Friday he would make an announcement to the world on the eve of the American presidential election. He wants to say thank-you to President Bush and Dick Cheney for picking up the costs of schools and hospitals in Iraq and in Afghanistan. Education and health care costs were bankrupting his organization.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-3-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

ABC's Monday Night Football will host John McCain and Barack Obama at half-time tonight. They may do a little game analysis. John McCain will call for the bomb and Barack Obama will say the quarterback ought to share his salary with the middle class.

The Hubble Telescope was repaired Friday in time to transmit spectacular color photos of two galaxies colliding in outer space. There's absolutely nothing left of them. Those laid-off Lehman Brothers brokers must have gone to work as astronomers.

President Bush called the Philadelphia Phillies Wednesday to congratulate them on defeating Tampa Bay to win the World Series. The final game was played on two separate days because of rain. Every time Florida is involved, the count takes longer.

Beatles producer Phil Spector walked into L.A. County court for his murder trial Friday wearing a Barack Obama pin. It's that Messiah thing again. Phil Spector's only chance of walking free is if Barack Obama will raise Lana Clarkson from the dead.

West Hollywood held its Halloween Parade Friday, drawing the scariest people in Christendom to Santa Monica Boulevard. It was festive. One guy came to the parade dressed as Sarah Palin with no rope around her neck and won for Most Original Costume.

Sarah Palin spoke to a crowd in the town of Latrobe, Pennsylvania Friday. It's the birthplace of Arnold Palmer. Whenever Republicans are behind in the polls they do a pilgrimage to Arnold's birthplace and walk the golf course in hopes of a miracle.

Sarah Palin hinted Friday that she is positioning herself to run for president in four years. She literally came out of nowhere. John McCain only selected Sarah Palin because he never wanted to be in the position of receiving CPR from Mitt Romney.

John Dean hosted an airing of All the President's Men on AMC Sunday. It's about how the press uncovered Richard Nixon's use of a covert unit called the White House Plumbers to break into Democratic headquarters. John McCain doesn't realize that when he is campaigning with Joe the Plumber, he is setting himself up for impeachment.

John McCain appeared in Ohio Thursday with Joe the Plumber and Sarah Palin. He learned everything he needs to know about politics from Jack Benny, Jerry Seinfeld and Mary Tyler Moore. Surround yourself with funnier people and you will work forever.

Barack Obama did a half-hour campaign infomercial Wednesday. It got bad reviews from infomercial producers who know how to sell something in thirty minutes. You don't sell furniture polish by consoling people who just stubbed their toe on a table.

Barack Obama's campaign plane barred all reporters Friday whose newspapers had endorsed John McCain. Their seats went to reporters from the black magazines Jet and Essence. This election may not turn so much on skin color as it does on skin thinness.

Barack Obama was reported Friday to have sent all his California volunteers to Nevada and Colorado. California looked like no contest. So when sales of white wine and crack cocaine fell in California in October, it wasn't due to the financial crisis.

Wall Street ended its worst month in twenty-one years Friday. It saw the fall of three major banks, brokerages and insurance companies, resulting in emergency federal intervention. If President Bush could do it all over again he would have accused Iraq of possessing toxic mortgage debt and the threat to America would have been real.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-2-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

CBS Radio marked the seventieth anniversary Thursday of its national broadcast of War of the Worlds by H.G. Wells. Every listener believed we were under attack by Martians. After the ensuing nationwide panic, Dick Cheney never worked in radio again.

Bill Clinton campaigned with Barack Obama at a huge televised rally in Orlando Wednesday. He barely arrived in time. The director of the movie Deep Throat died in Miami the day before and Bill Clinton felt he should speak at the funeral.

John Daly was found drunk and unconscious Wednesday outside a Hooters restaurant in North Carolina and was jailed. This is moving him ever closer to a new career. He's just a talk with Billy Graham and twenty years away from ordering U.S. forces to invade Iran.

The FBI said Tuesday that gun sales have skyrocketed in the South in the month leading up to the election. Here we go again. All those comparisons of Barack Obama to Abe Lincoln will turn out to be true if half the nation secedes when he gets elected.

The Federal Election Commission predicted a record voter turnout for Tuesday's presidential contest. It's a critical moment for the country. Now is the time for bold, honest and unselfish leadership, but we have to choose between McCain and Obama.

The L.A. Times refused to release videotape of Barack Obama praising Palestinian activist Rashid Khalidi five years ago. They were pals. Back then Rashid Khalidi called Obama by his nickname, Barry, and Obama called Khalidi by his nickname, the Twentieth Hijacker.

Sarah Palin was hanged in effigy from a West Hollywood roof by a homeowner, but he cut it down Thursday. The protests were too much for him. He got a call from the Hemp Industries Association saying they don't want rope associated with Sarah Palin.

Sarah Palin hinted in an interview Wednesday she is positioning herself to run for president in four years. She's nothing if not diligent. Before going to bed last night she set the John McCain campaign back one hour by giving another interview.

Minnesota U.S. Senate candidate and comedian Al Franken caught hell for a Playboy article he wrote eight years ago about his porno sexual fantasies. It should be a selling point. He was showing the skills necessary to be a senator before he was elected one.

ATF agents arrested two young skinhead Nazis in Tennessee Monday for planning to open fire on Barack Obama from a car while wearing tuxedos and top hats. What a picture. The first sign of a depression is that everybody thinks he is Fred Astaire.

Al-Qaeda leader Abu Yahya al Libi urged Americans Thursday to humiliate President Bush in Tuesday's election. The group just suffered a major blow. They were developing complex credit market derivatives and they blew themselves up in a workplace accident.

The White House said Tuesday it's considering negotiating with lower levels of the Taliban to find peace in Afghanistan. It turns out there's a moderate wing of the Mujahadeen. They believe in covering up their women but they're not averse to Spandex.

The White House forced U.S. banks to sell the federal government their preferred stock last week, and then the House Oversight Committee demanded to see how much money bank executives get paid. The government is taking over everything. Fidel Castro and his brother have been spraying each other with champagne ever since they got the word.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio