Argus Hamilton's column for 10-31-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Sarah Palin was hanged in effigy in a Halloween display in West Hollywood. The law varies. If a gay gets hanged it's a hate crime, if a black gets hanged it's a federal crime, if an Arab gets hanged, it means he was cleared of having weapons of mass destruction.

Barack Obama bought thirty minutes of time on seven TV channels Wednesday for a political commercial. It featured sob stories he heard on the campaign trail. When he promised to help everybody find new jobs, we had no idea he was casting a TV movie for Lifetime.

Barack Obama spent millions of dollars to buy airtime on seven broadcast networks for his thirty-minute infomercial. ABC did not air it. In case a cataclysm occurs, one network must remain on the air to ensure a continuity of sex and violence.

John McCain and Barack Obama campaigned furiously Wednesday. The country seems evenly split. After the election Americans will be asking each other which of the two candidates they voted for, the mainstream media or the vast right-wing conspiracy.

Sarah Palin was cheered Tuesday by evangelical voters in Ohio who love her pro-life stand. It's against her interest when you think about it. Why is Sarah Palin pro-life when the longer John McCain lives, the longer she has to wait to be president?

The Gallup Poll forecast a record turnout in California on Election Day. State law says polling places may be located anywhere except bars and whorehouses. If you think you can get away from politicians there, don't ask who's in the next room.

An Ohio judge ruled Monday that voters may list a park bench as their place of residence when they register to vote. Not everyone has a fixed address. Since the foreclosure crisis began, Democrats live in the park and Republicans live in their cars.

Barack Obama's staff pleaded for get-out-the-vote volunteers in Ohio, Florida and Pennsylvania. The memo said not to come if they're expecting a vacation, they should only come if they want to work. Look, if they wanted to work they wouldn't be Democrats.

The L.A. Times refused to release a video of Barack Obama giving a glowing after-dinner toast to PLO activist Rashid Khalidi in Chicago. The Palestinian is a sworn enemy of Israel. All these old friends of Obama wanted to help him out by leaving the country before the campaign started, but they aren't allowed on airplanes or ships.

John McCain addressed a huge rally of supporters at a Philadelphia fieldhouse on Tuesday. The crowd went wild when he introduced Sarah Palin and she walked out to join him onstage at the microphone. It looked like Take Your Daughter to Work Day.

John McCain flooded the TV airwaves with ads ridiculing Barack Obama's lack of experience. They never end. America no longer leads the world in the manufacture of steel, television sets and automobiles but our negative ad industry is second to none.

Barack Obama's spread-the-wealth tax plan was ripped Monday as socialism. It's stunning to see a U.S. government leaning toward socialism. Bobby Kennedy used to spend a hour a day trying to kill Fidel Castro as part of his morning exercise routine.

Barack Obama criticized the Supreme Court for not requiring economic equality for blacks fifty years ago when the Court re-interpreted the Fourteenth Amendment to expand civil rights. It was quite doable. The Fourteenth Amendment is like a human being, if you torture it long enough you can make it say anything you want it to say.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 10-30-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Barack Obama delivered a campaign speech at an outdoor rally in a Philadelphia suburb during a thunderstorm Tuesday. Lightning bolts literally flashed across the sky as he spoke. God just did the math and realized his taxes are going up.

The L.A. Times refused to release video it obtained of Barack Obama praising his friend PLO representative Rashid Khalidi at a tribute dinner in Chicago. That's the bad news. The good news is, it won't take six weeks to figure out who won Florida.

Miami Dolphins owner Wayne Huizenga vowed to sell his team if Barack Obama wins, rather than pay higher taxes. The NFL owners are all in agreement. It's bad enough they have to share the wealth with one another, they are not about to take in new partners.

John McCain closed to within two points of the lead in Gallup's poll of likely voters Tuesday, causing a Wall Street rally. He knew it was coming. Republicans over seventy always feel an ache in their knees three days before the stock market goes up.

The San Francisco 49ers were reported Monday to be interested in hiring Condoleezza Rice as their team president. Her past could haunt her. Next year when she warns that the Dallas Cowboys are loaded with offensive weapons, nobody's going to believe her a second time.

Sarah Palin was hanged in effigy from the roof of a house in West Hollywood in a Halloween display. The investigation is off to a slow start. Secret Service agents were pulled over six times by the cops for talking into their cufflinks while driving.

California voters will go to the polls Tuesday and vote on a proposition which would outlaw gay marriage. The state has a simple creed. It states that life's greatest experience is the love of two people, but you have to get in bed with the right two people.

Barack Obama was tape-recorded saying the U.S. Constitution doesn't give economic justice to all. Where's he been for eight years? The Constitution wasn't written to ensure equality, it was written to make sure that even an idiot could run this country.

ATF agents arrested two young Nazi skinheads in Tennessee Monday who had planned to drive toward Barack Obama at full speed with guns blazing, while dressed up in tuxedos and top hats. The feds were tipped off by the manager of the tuxedo rental shop. Anybody in that neck of the woods knows that Hitler's birthday isn't until April.

Prince Charles stated in London Tuesday that the real global crisis confronting the world is not financial, it's climate change. There's evidence he's right. In the latest penguin movie, the mating ritual involves insincere chit-chat in a hot tub.

Alaska's Senator Ted Stevens brushed off reporters after his corruption conviction Monday and vowed to win re-election. It calls attention to the difference between regular Americans and elites. Outside of Washington and Wall Street, gravy train is a dog food.

Turkey attacked northern Iraq Monday, a day after the U.S. raided Syria, following Iran's threat to destroy Israel. Let's wrap this up. Rand McNally is on deadline to publish next year's world atlas and they need to know who's going to be on the map.

Boone Pickens said Friday his hedge fund lost a billion dollars last month, and fellow oilman Aubrey McClendon also lost a billion dollars. They're still on television commercials. Just a month ago Boone Pickens and Aubrey McClendon were offering new energy plans for America, and today Sally Struthers can't get the two of them adopted.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 10-29-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

John McCain reportedly asked Sarah Palin on Monday to tone down her attacks on Barack Obama. It was probably a wise move. John McCain's advisers reminded him that the last time he attacked someone it was North Vietnam and they ended up winning.

London hosted the premiere of the new James Bond film Quantum of Solace on Saturday. In the movie, Bond drinks moderately, he respects women and he takes prisoners into custody. The English way of life is dying before our very eyes as Barack Obama nears election.

U.S. Special Forces slipped into Syria Monday and assassinated al-Qaeda terrorist Abu Ghadiya. The mission was supervised by the vice president. Dick Cheney's aim is improving so much he's thinking of touring in a Wild West show after he leaves office.

The San Francisco 49ers were reported Tuesday to be interested in hiring Condi Rice to be team president. Her job would be to outdraw the Oakland Raiders. Just once in her life she would like a job that doesn't involve battling against terrorists.

Swedish medical researchers published data Friday showing that drinking coffee reduces women's breast size. Word spread fast. Henry David Thoreau could have written Walden in the quiet and solitude of any Starbucks in Los Angeles today.

Barack Obama gave a thunderous speech in an Ohio auditorium Monday. He had the reverb turned up slightly and the bass at full volume. If you think Sarah Palin hates Tina Fey's impression of her, you should hear how God talks about Barack Obama.

Sarah Palin wore blue jeans Monday after Democrats made her GOP-purchased wardrobe a big issue. They will be sorry. Now that she's wearing jeans, she's sure to appeal to a very crucial voter demographic, male voters between eighteen and death.

U.S. Senator Ted Stevens could face Senate expulsion for his felony convictions Monday. It's not likely. Only fifteen senators have ever been expelled, fourteen of them for backing the Confederacy and one for joining the American Bowling Congress.

Joe Biden banned a Florida reporter from more interviews Monday for asking him if Obama's spread-the-wealth message is Marxist. Her question left him speechless. There was a time when a feat like this would get you three pages in the Old Testament.

Barack Obama was heard saying on a tape that surfaced Monday that it was tragic the civil rights movement didn't achieve economic redistribution. There's increasing evidence he is a socialist. A photo just surfaced of Jane Fonda sitting on his cannon.

The Taliban reported territorial gains in Afghanistan Friday along with eighty million dollars in poppy sales. You can't drink, do drugs, or have extramarital sex under the rules of the Taliban. Their goal is to establish the Republic of Rehabistan.

The White House began funneling one hundred twenty-five billion dollars into nine major banks Monday to begin its rescue plan. The market has dropped three thousand points since the plan was announced. It's the same old story, the White House thought the U.S. Treasury Department would be greeted as liberators by Wall Street.

Reno, Nevada, hosted a convention of psychics who predicted that the nation's economy will begin to recover this spring. It says a lot. Business is so bad in Nevada casino hotels that they will allow people who can see through the backs of cards to hold their conventions there, just for the tip money on the free drinks.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 10-28-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Sarah Palin faced questions Friday about the one-hundred-fifty-thousand-dollar wardrobe Republicans bought her. She has no idea of costs. Anything they bring to her to wear, she just assumes it's the skin of whatever they had for dinner last night.

Los Angeles firefighters had to put out fires in Sepulveda Pass in Los Angeles Wednesday. The pass has Brentwood on one side and Bel-Air on the other. Police were mystified over why there was such a lengthy delay between O.J.'s conviction and the riot.

Jose Canseco said Friday he was sorry for exposing steroid use by Major League Baseball players. He said he told the truth but he's sorry he did. Until this past financial crisis he had no idea that America's pastime was looking the other way.

Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo said Monday his broken right pinky finger will keep him off the playing field on Sunday. The injury shouldn't be minimized. The last thing the executioner said to Marie Antoinette was to watch her fingers.

The White House detailed plans Thursday to host a World Economic Summit in the middle of November. It's a real chance to showcase. The American business leaders who will attend the meetings have been coached to sit up straight and look profitable.

House Republicans denied blame for the Wall Street collapse Friday while House Democrats denied blame for Fannie Mae backing risky home loans. Denial of blame is a grand old tradition on Capitol Hill. Congress hasn't admitted anything since Hawaii.

Warren Buffett chaired a women's economic forum in Long Beach Tuesday. He said he plans to give away his entire fortune to charity and not to his children. Peter Falk is really tired of playing Columbo but the scripts keep writing themselves.

Iranian military officials said Wednesday they've advised Iran's government to launch a pre-emptive strike on London. That explains one thing. The reason there were no Iranians on the Starship Enterprise is because Star Trek is set in the future.

Barack Obama insisted Thursday his tax plan won't punish those who get rich off their own skills, talent and drive. He left out people who inherit their wealth. The Kennedys are so used to being shot it must be a nice change of pace to be stabbed.

Barack Obama arrived in Hawaii Thursday to see his ailing grandmother. Earlier he said he had to rush off to see her, but then he criss-crossed the country for four days on the way. He used so much fuel to fly there and back that it halted the drop in world oil prices.

Barack Obama negotiated with Chicago Mayor Richard Daley last week over who would foot the bill for his victory party in Grant Park. He's always confident. Barack Obama's family crest in Kenya shows a farmer putting the cart before the horse.

French president Nicolas Sarkozy reported Thursday his bank account was hacked and his money was stolen. He had no choice but to bank the money. If a Frenchmen puts all his money in his mattress any one of five women per day could be the culprit.

The White House couldn't answer Friday how deeply America will be in debt from the Wall Street bailout. You have to add the cost of Iraq and Katrina. It turns out that missing the warning signs of the 9/11 attack was the Bush administration's finest hour.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 10-27-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Sarah Palin was revealed Wednesday to have received a new wardrobe courtesy of the GOP. They spent nearly two hundred grand. It's all going to be worth it because if she's elected vice president, Professor Higgins wins his bet with Colonel Pickering.

The Mongols Motorcycle Club was busted by federal agents in California Tuesday on racketeering charges. It's a Latino motorcycle club formed when Hells Angels refused to allow Hispanics to join. When will both sides learn that meth has no color.

President Bush called a Global Economic Summit in Washington in November. It's to address the worldwide credit crisis. There hasn't been a terrorist bombing on U.S. soil since the World Trade Center attacks and he's tired of not getting any credit.

The Cleveland Browns suspended star Kellen Winslow for revealing he had a staph infection. Why is management upset? You'd think an outbreak of contagious skin bacteria would make the other team give your quarterback plenty of room in the pocket.

Barack Obama met in Richmond Wednesday with all his foreign policy advisors to discuss possible future crises. They had a heated discussion behind closed doors. His advisors can't agree on what to blame on President Clinton, what to blame on President Bush and what to blame on a four hundred years of Anglo-American imperialism.

The Associated Press poll showed Wednesday that the presidential race has tightened dramatically in the final weeks. The poll says John McCain is rapidly gaining support from whites. This year's October Surprise could be the ending you expected all along.

The University of Nebraska canceled Bill Ayers' campus appearance Monday. What a crying shame. Nebraska's storied football program has been down lately and right now they are willing to take a look at anybody who can throw the bomb and defeat Army.

The Los Angeles City Council was urged Friday to end new oil drilling for fear of earthquakes. Recent events have been a test for Californians' love of the planet. When gasoline went above four dollars per gallon, we tried to kill it with an ice pick.

Utah television stations displayed twenty thousand marijuana plants Wednesday found by hunters walking in the mountains above St. George. The story has a happy ending. They were out hunting for a recession-proof small business and they found one.

Alaska's U.S. Senator Ted Stevens faced a jury's judgment on corruption charges Tuesday. They all face a tough choice. Honest senators sleep a lot better at night than crooked senators but the crooked senators have a lot more fun when they're awake.

O.J. Simpson's defense lawyer announced Monday he will appeal his conviction for armed robbery and kidnapping in a Las Vegas hotel. O.J. is terrified of the possible sentence. On the Clark County courthouse lawn there is a statue of Bugsy the Lawgiver.

President Bush hosted a conference Monday and pointed to the signs of progress in Iraq. We're almost there. Once we get the plumbing and electricity working, the oil agreement signed and the missionaries deployed, the place could be a real hellhole.

The National Review surveyed media stories about Sarah Palin Thursday and said she's the most-criticized candidate since Dan Quayle. The office of the vice president has changed. It used to be the least powerful position in Washington, and today he's the head of the global organization that's trying to capture James Bond.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 10-26-08

BEVERLY HILLS--God bless America, and how's everybody?

The Tampa Bay Rays made the World Series after ten miserable seasons. Last year they dropped the Devil from the Devil Rays name and went from last to first. John McCain just asked Sarah Palin to change her middle name from Lucifer to Lucinda.

Rancho Cucamonga erupted in brushfires Wednesday when Santa Ana winds and high temperatures roasted Southern California. One hundred homes had to be evacuated. When God decides to foreclose, no amount of government pressure can talk him out of it.

Britney Spears had all charges of driving without a license dismissed Tuesday in Los Angeles County court. Her jury deadlocked. John McCain just told Osama bin Laden he will guarantee him an L.A. jury if he will turn himself in before the election.

Victoria's Secret Fall Fashion Show will be taped this week in Miami for a December airing. One model will be wearing a bra encrusted with five million dollars in jewels. They don't realize that two-and-a-half million dollars a boob is a violation of campaign finance laws.

John McCain slammed Barack Obama's tax plan as socialism Wednesday. He said we didn't become the greatest country in the world by redistributing wealth. We did it by discovering gold and oil on land guarded by plenty of ocean and way too few Indians.

Barack Obama's campaign began selling camera positions to the media Wednesday for his election night victory party in Chicago's Grant Park. The more you pay, the better your position. Heidi Fleiss is managing all media operations for the Democrats.

The FBI warned Wednesday that white powder is being mailed to banks across the heartland. There may be a simple explanation. The dollar is disintegrating so fast that by the time the banks open the deposit envelopes, there's nothing in them but dust.

Michael Vick pleaded out to dogfighting charges Tuesday so he can qualify for a halfway house. He's welcome in Beverly Hills. We're losing so many dogs to coyote attacks that suddenly teaching dogs how to fight is the humanitarian thing to do.

Iran's economy was reported Tuesday to be in deep financial trouble because of the drop in oil prices. All the oil states are in deep trouble. Oklahoma would have beaten Texas last week except they got stopped by a margin call at the goal line.

U.S. Commander in Iraq General Ray Odierno said Tuesday that Iraq was improving but remains dangerously fragile. We haven't made as much progress as we hoped. The CIA just told President Bush that only a brutal dictator could hold Iraq together.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi vowed Monday to follow the Wall Street bailout with rebate checks for all. Don't even ask about the deficit. The Kansas School Board just voted to change their civics books to read that good government is just a theory.

San Francisco votes on Election Day whether to legalize prostitution. The city has already decriminalized pot, sanctioned after-hours bars and allowed gay marriage. San Franciscans weren't kidding when they made up their minds to be a work-free drug place.

Colin Powell shrugged off GOP criticism Tuesday for endorsing Barack Obama for president. His allegiances are fluid. Colin Powell was let go by President Bush after they caught him pouring the Kool-Aid into a potted plant instead of drinking it.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 10-24-08

OKLAHOMA CITY--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Al-Qaeda was reported Monday to have netted eight hundred million dollars cash in illegal drug sales last year. Now they're all too rich to volunteer for suicide missions. Who would have guessed that the best way to fight terrorism is to do heroin.

The USC Trojans leap-frogged three undefeated teams to the nation's number-two ranking Sunday in the first BCS poll. It's a highly technical tabulation nobody understands. Under the BCS system, Hillary Clinton could still be our next president.

Dallas Cowboys suspended star Pacman Jones was ordered to alcohol rehab by the NFL after his latest scrape. He's had thirteen police incidents and shot up a strip club. Pacman Jones has more than a few issues, he's got an entire year's subscription.

San Francisco voters have two Election Day ballot measures sure to draw world attention. One legalizes prostitution, another names the sewage treatment plant for President Bush. The city's just trying to steal convention business from Gomorrah.

Josh Brolin will play President Bush on Saturday Night Live this weekend after he drew raves playing President Bush in W. He's really starting to specialize. In his next movie he is going to play Dick Cheney in Bring Me the Head of Saddam Hussein.

Hillary Clinton campaigned for Barack Obama Monday as she maneuvered to be the next lion of the Senate. She wanted to be the next President Clinton but now she wants to be the next Ted Kennedy. She must think the glass ceiling is a mirror over the bed.

U.S. Congressman John Murtha of Pennsylvania said Tuesday he didn't mean it when he said western Pennsylvania was racist, he meant to say they are rednecks. Now we get to the truth. General Robert E. Lee didn't invade Pennsylvania, it was a land rush.

John McCain campaigned furiously Tuesday in Pennsylvania, which he has to carry if he's going to be elected president. He made three stops before breakfast. By now John McCain knows the location of every bathroom between Philadelphia and Pittsburgh.

Sarah Palin drew huge crowds in Nevada Tuesday where she blasted Democrats for taxing and spending. Her poll numbers have been climbing lately. Sarah Palin is favored by white working-class women, conservative males and comedians with mortgages.

Joe Biden predicted Sunday that enemies would provoke a crisis if Barack Obama becomes president, just to test him. He accidentally questioned his running mate's fitness for office. Every time an airbag saves a life, Joe Biden gets a royalty check.

Barack Obama bought thirty minutes of airtime on Fox Tuesday which would delay Game Six of the World Series. He's endorsed both Philadelphia and Tampa. Pennsylvania and Florida have a long history of rivalry in football, baseball and voter fraud.

Nebraska University canceled a speaking gig for Barack Obama's associate Bill Ayers, who bombed U.S. government buildings in the Sixties to protest the war in Vietnam. It was a different world then. Buddhist monks used to douse themselves with gasoline to protest the Vietnam War, now they do it to pick up chicks in Los Angeles.

India launched its first-ever mission to the moon Tuesday, sending a satellite there to redraw the maps of the lunar surface. Some colonies took their English nursery rhymes literally. If the cow really jumped over the moon, that's their Vatican.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 10-23-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Wall Street enjoyed a normal trading pattern in the stock market for the first time in a month Monday. There was a national sigh of relief. Americans were never happier to turn on cable news and see kidnapped children as the hour's top story.

Colin Powell endorsed Barack Obama Sunday, then denied it was based on race. He favored sending U.S. troops into Iraq and now he backs the candidate who wants to yank them out. Nobody in Washington ever admits they were wrong, you have to decode it.

Ricky's Costume Shop in New York said Monday its top-selling Halloween costume is a Sarah Palin beauty pageant sash reading Miss Alaska on one side and Miss Vice President on the other. It comes with glasses. Wig and drilling rights sold separately.

NBC's Chairman Jeff Zucker ordered five hundred million dollars in cuts in next year's network budget. Enough already. Wages are dropping so fast in America that last week fifty people were forced out of their jobs by the Emancipation Proclamation.

The Tampa Bay Rays and Philadelphia Phillies will play in the World Series. These two third-tier franchises made it to the top thanks to baseball's luxury tax and revenue sharing. When the series gets low ratings you can blame it on Barack Obama's tax plan.

Jerry Jones showed off his new Dallas Cowboys stadium to reporters Friday. It reacts automatically to sun and rain. The retractable roof opens whenever oil is above ninety dollars a barrel and closes shut when Saudi Arabia increases production.

Congressman Tim Mahoney was targeted Monday by the House Ethics Committee over a sex scandal. He got caught cheating on the mistress with whom he was cheating on his wife. The saddest part is he missed getting the Medal of Freedom by one president.

President Bush signed railroad safety rules Friday to avoid another crash like the one in Los Angeles. It's tough. Cops have to crack down, but if they break the thumbs of everybody who texts while driving, we will lose our advantage over the apes.

John McCain called attention to Barack Obama's former ties to Sixties terrorist William Ayers Tuesday. Whatever happened to letting bygones be bygones? John McCain lived with communists for five years and you don't hear Barack Obama harping about it.

The New York Times ran an article on Cindy McCain Sunday mentioning her struggle with depression. It's an epidemic lately. Wall Street bankers are borrowing money from loan sharks just to have somebody who'll talk them out of jumping out the window.

The Social Psychology Bulletin studied forty years of Playboy pictorials Monday and found that bustier women signified a bad economy. There's a simple explanation. Whenever there's a recession, all they serve at the Playboy Mansion is macaroni and cheese.

Great Britain released UFO files from the Cold War Monday which reveal that two U.S. fighters tried to shoot down a UFO. We make no apologies. Shooting down anything we didn't understand was our military policy then and today it's our education policy.

Brigham Young University revoked the diploma of ex-communicated Mormon Chad Hardy Monday after he published a calendar of barechested missionaries. The ex-communication could be a blessing in disguise. If Mitt Romney had been thrown out of the Mormon Church he would be two weeks away from being the next President of the United States.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 10-22-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Colin Powell endorsed Barack Obama Sunday on NBC's Meet the Press. It horrified his own party. Republicans who used to say they weren't racist because they would vote for Colin Powell can only say now that the maid was like a second mother to them.

Sarah Palin drew record ratings for Saturday Night Live in which she danced to a rap song mocking Alaskan hillbillies. There were equal-time concerns. NBC lawyers told them they could only make fun of hillbillies if they also make fun of rap stars.

Joe Biden said Sunday the U.S. will face an international crisis if Barack Obama gets elected, and he warned Americans to gird their loins. That confused Democrats. It's an old expression meaning get ready for battle, not the subtitle of the Starr Report.

Barack Obama was accused Monday of having a tax-cut plan that will convert the IRS into one giant welfare agency. He has other problems. Barack Obama is having a tough time getting ahead in Louisiana because his name sounds too much like Go Bama.

Brett Favre was accused Sunday of revealing Green Bay Packers secrets to their opponents, the Detroit Lions. He's such a drama queen. If this doesn't get him enough publicity, he is going to challenge Alex Rodriguez to a duel for Madonna's hand.

Oliver Stone's movie W about the Bush era got great reviews Friday. Two towers are toppled, followed by the fall of the Taliban, Saddam, the GOP Congress, and Wall Street. It seems beneath the skills of a great director to shoot a bowling movie.

Chesapeake Energy chairman Aubrey McClendon lost a billion and a half dollars in company stock on a margin call. He will be okay. In a moment of self-doubt the oilman jumped off the highest point in Oklahoma City but the sand trap broke his fall.

John McCain spoke to cheering crowds in Missouri Monday. He guaranteed he will win the election in November. He said you can take it to the bank, but it's not going to convince anyone in this economy until he says you can take it to the mattress.

John McCain's campaign made robo-calls to Ohio voters all weekend. The recording said Barack Obama has past associations with radical communists and can't be trusted. It's a dirty trick they bought for ten dollars at the Nixon Library gift shop.

Barack Obama was greeted by one hundred thousand fans in St. Louis Saturday. He has done a terrific job of shedding his elitist label. Early in the campaign when a tornado siren sounded in Dubuque, he asked for directions to the nearest wine cellar.

David Letterman had John McCain on his show Thursday at the same time Jay Leno had Barack Obama on the Tonight Show. John McCain beat them by two million viewers. Anybody who grew up on Fifties television knows that fights always beat worship services.

Queen Elizabeth was forced to have her favorite horse put down Thursday at the royal stables. The problem was breeding related. Queen Elizabeth descends from six hundred years of absolute rulers and it shows whenever a horse tries to overthrow her.

President Bush was reported Tuesday to be interested in making a living on the after-dinner circuit when he leaves office. He's a very funny monologist. His role model as a comedian should be Bob Uecker, who's made a fortune as an after-dinner speaker by billing himself as the worst baseball player in Major League history.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 10-21-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Joe the Plumber was hailed by Republicans Thursday for questioning Barack Obama's tax hikes to his face last week. Reporters have since exposed him as unlicensed, behind on his taxes, and using a fake name. If Tony Romo had the same kind of protection Barack Obama gets, the X-rays would always be negative.

The Tampa Bay Rays defeated Boston in game seven of the American League Playoffs Sunday. The Philadelphia Phillies beat Los Angeles to set up a Philly-Tampa World Series. Fox isn't sure how good the ratings will be, they're still canvassing the players to see how many relatives they have.

Griffith Park was the site of the latest coyote attack in Los Angeles Thursday when a jogger got bit on the ankle. He was the third jogger bit this month in L.A. It won't be long before every other coyote coming down the hill at night has a sore on his lip.

Dick Cheney was rushed to George Washington Hospital last week to undergo a procedure to jumpstart his heart back to its normal beat. He's had it before. An ambulance is automatically called whenever his blood pressure drops below eighty dollars a barrel.

President Bush signed a railroad safety bill into law on Thursday to prevent any more train wrecks like the one in Los Angeles last month. It's no longer necessary. Once gasoline fell to three dollars a gallon, even the conductors stopped taking the train.

Oil and Gas Journal reported Friday that tumbling world oil prices will result in gasoline well under three dollars a gallon again. That's good news for people who live in California. Our idea of carpooling is one guy in the car on a conference call.

President Bush greeted the Stanley Cup champion Detroit Red Wings at the White House Wednesday. He praised one player for getting sober and he praised another player for scoring a goal with his teeth. Talk about being on both sides of the issue.

The White House expressed regret Monday for a Predator drone which accidentally bombed western Pakistan. On the bright side, we found Osama bin Laden. According to Acorn's voter registration records, he's a registered Democrat living in Nevada, Ohio and Florida.

Al-Qaeda was reported Thursday to make eight hundred million dollars a year from the sale of illegal drugs. None of it is kept in banks, so the financial crisis didn't touch them. Not only have we not captured Osama bin Laden, we've taught him how to get rich on foreclosures.

New York loan sharks reported doing huge business Thursday from Wall Streeters who lost their jobs and need ready cash. Nobody has any trouble finding a loan shark in New York. They all hang out at a bar in lower Manhattan called Friday Means Friday.

Oliver Stone's movie about President Bush's life got rave reviews from critics nationwide Thursday. The movie won't sell any tickets. Nobody's going to listen to President Bush for two hours without getting a twenty-billion-dollar cash infusion.

Brady Bunch star Maureen McCormick wrote in her new autobiography that after the series ended she went on a binge and traded sex for cocaine at wild parties. That's how it was in the late Seventies. The title of the book is Another Night at the Office.

Dallas Cowboys star Pacman Jones was suspended by the NFL Wednesday for fighting with his bodyguard. It was his thirteenth police incident. Pro football is the only sport whose bubblegum cards show a player's picture on the front and his fingerprints on the back.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 10-20-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Jerry Jones was reported having a tough time Thursday finding a company to buy the naming rights to his new stadium. The products most associated with the Dallas Cowboys don't need to pay for the publicity. They get mentioned in every arrest report.

Dan Quayle said Thursday he's spoken with Sarah Palin on the phone and advised her to just be herself. She was so grateful for his advice. Very few politicians are prepared to take on the enormous responsibilities of being the national punchline.

Sarah Palin told New Hampshire Wednesday she will drill in Alaska and lead the nation to energy independence. Her plan could make oil prices plummet even faster. People who've been running their SUVs on brandy may find gasoline cost-effective again.

Bob Schieffer hosted the presidential debate Wednesday between Barack Obama and John McCain. We must choose between a socialist with terrorist friends and a former prisoner whose running mate is a sniper. Let's pray we have the wisdom to choose wisely.

Dick Cheney underwent a two-hour heart procedure Wednesday. He was jolted with electricity in order to normalize his heartbeat. It only took ten minutes to raise him up to the ceiling but it took an hour and a half for a lightning storm to roll in.

John McCain spent Wednesday in a hotel preparing to debate Barack Obama. He was advised to go negative and he was advised not to go negative, he was advised to come up with a new plan for the economy and to stop coming up with new plans for the economy. He is offering Americans a welcome break from eight years of decisive action.

John McCain's communication team claimed victory after Wednesday's debate. The candidate's own communication skills tend to be old school. He's ruined his last four BlackBerrys by putting whipped cream on them and digging into them with a spoon.

Barack Obama placed campaign ads in video games Wednesday which remind players that mail-in voting is now underway. It's a hot new medium. People who register Democrats for Acorn are developing a new Playstation game called Grand Theft Election.

Barack Obama's name was reportedly misspelled on some mail-in ballots Thursday and he was listed as Barack Osama. It's a totally unfair association. Obama and Osama only have one thing in common, they've both got friends who bombed the Pentagon.

Barack Obama angered an Ohio plumber Monday when he told him he will raise his taxes to spread the wealth around. He told the wrong guy. A plumber ought to know socialism when he sees it, he's the first guy everyone calls when it starts to back up.

Washington D.C. was named in a health survey Thursday as having the highest rate of sexually transmitted diseases of any city in the United States. Blame it on the Wall Street bailout plan. You can't screw that many taxpayers and not catch something.

Democratic U.S. Congressman John Murtha of Pennsylvania told the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette Wednesday the western area of his state is racist and won't vote for Barack Obama. It's sad. You always hear about the great quarterbacks that came out of Western Pennsylvania but all the Southern governors the area produced are hardly ever mentioned.

U.S. Congressman Tim Mahoney was caught offering to pay hush money to a mistress angry over a second girlfriend. He cheated on the woman with whom he was cheating on his wife. Now that the U.S. government is handing out seven hundred billion dollars a week, congressmen are getting all the women who used to go out with investment bankers.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 10-19-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Acorn workers fraudulently registered Mickey Mouse as a Democratic voter last week in Florida. It's just crazy. There's so much fraud in voter registration that five guys on Wall Street are thinking about securitizing it and selling it to German banks.

Barack Obama was revealed to have been a trainer for Acorn voter registrars in the Nineties. However, he didn't train people to register cartoon characters. With the Clintons on the ballot, he was training them to vote for cartoon characters.

Sarah Palin told voters in North Carolina Thursday that God has richly blessed America with oil and gas and wind and water and thermal heat and vegetation. She said we should use it all. Who knew that God created America from a Mexican cookbook?

Josh Brolin won rave reviews for his portrayal of President Bush in Oliver Stone's movie, W. Critics say he captures the president's swagger, he captures the president's stubbornness, and he captures the president's cowboy charm. The portrayal's so realistic he captures everything but Osama bin Laden.

The Treasury Department bought a huge share of nine major banks last week. The government once took over the Mustang Ranch in Nevada, and the place went bankrupt. No one should be allowed to run a bank if they can't make money selling hookers and alcohol.

Cindy McCain's childhood home in Phoenix will be auctioned next week by a real estate investor who bought it two years ago. The mansion has thirteen bedrooms and a dozen bathrooms. When the family business is beer you need a bathroom every four feet.

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger declared a state of emergency Monday as brushfires raged through the suburbs of Los Angeles. He couldn't get outside in front of the cameras fast enough. Orange light makes actors look ten years younger.

John Daly announced plans Friday to play on the European Tour next year to get his game together. It needs help. When he last played at Pebble Beach he drove into the water twice, and that was just looking for the turn-off on Pacific Coast Highway.

President Bush's niece Lauren Bush introduced the Lauren Pierce brand of clothing Monday. The supermodel used her grandma's maiden name. The president has so ruined the family name, the next Bible translation will have Moses talking to a burning sheep.

Dick Cheney appeared by video phone at an Illinois campaign event for a GOP congressional candidate Wednesday. The vice president has an open relationship with the American people. He opens your e-mail, he opens your bank statement and he opens your phone records.

Congressman Tim Mahoney of Palm Beach was accused of paying off a mistress on his House staff to avoid sexual harassment charges. He replaced Congressman Mark Foley, who resigned over a gay sex scandal. That's offsetting penalties, repeat the down.

Ford Motors executives scrambled for answers Tuesday in the wake of record low car sales in September. Last year the Ford chairman was awarded six million dollars in Ford company stock. He could sue the company for paying less than the minimum wage.

Barack Obama was confronted Tuesday about serving on an education board in Chicago with 1960s antiwar terrorist Bill Ayers. It was a valuable association for Obama last year, when the country was anti-Iraq war. But now that the country is anti-bank, he's sorry he didn't serve on a board with Patty Hearst.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 10-17-08

OKLAHOMA CITY--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

CBS News anchor Bob Schieffer hosted the debate Wednesday between Barack Obama and John McCain. They spent ninety minutes thanking him for his question, ignoring the question, then doing their act. Marriage counselors always tell people in a rut like this to try new positions.

Hillary Clinton appeared on CNN after the presidential debate Wednesday. She said President Obama's policies will be wonderful for America. She was choking on her words so badly that President Bush called and told her to stay away from the pretzels.

Barack Obama stressed the importance of sex education during Wednesday's debate. He said young people must be taught they can't behave in a cavalier way. The Cavaliers and their descendants have always believed that the luckiest of men should have the jolliest of times.

McDonald's on Wall Street reported lunch lines so long last week that it forced many customers away. You can't beat McDonald's when it comes to marketing tie-ins. The idea of handing out Gordon Gekko action figures with each Happy Meal was sheer genius.

The Museum of American Finance in New York invited laid-off bankers and brokers to act as volunteer museum tour guides Tuesday. They have quite a story to tell. One of these days this will be a beloved Christmas movie about all the wonderful things that would have happened to people if these Wall Street guys had never lived.

Tina Fey's impression of Sarah Palin drew so many millions of hits on NBC's website last week that Saturday Night Live may start its own website of its most famous sketches. What a phenomenon. Sarah Palin is so good for political comedy that only a DNA test will convince anyone that Dan Quayle and Monica Lewinsky are not her parents.

Motorola celebrated the twenty-fifth anniversary of the first cell-phone call Tuesday. The first call went to Alexander Graham Bell's grandson. Everyone today agrees the invention was one small step for man, one giant leap for auto body repair.

Beverly Hills tour bus companies began using double-deck buses from England to take tourists around. The roofs are sheared off, making the upper deck open-air. The double-decker buses are big enough to hold two hundred people, or sixty-two Americans.

President Bush announced a quarter trillion dollar U.S. investment in nine banks Tuesday to bail them out. The bank chairmen don't want it. Five years ago when the government bailed out the oil industry, the CEO of Iraq ended up swinging from a rope.

John McCain was estimated by an actuarial Tuesday to have one chance in four of living all the way through a second term in office. He's getting up there. When John McCain visited the Dinosaur National Monument in Utah as a teenager, it was a zoo.

The Senate opened a probe Tuesday into charges that the NSA recorded phone sex conversations between Americans working in Iraq and handed them around the office for fun. We should get off their backs. There were no weapons of mass destruction or ties to al-Qaeda in Iraq, and you can't expect the NSA to sit around all day listening to dead air.

The journal Archives of Neurology said Tuesday that moderate drinking will water down your mind even if it's good for your cardiovascular system. Drinking gives people a fit and healthy heart but an atrophied brain. Gym teachers aren't born, they have to be made.

Sarah Palin discussed energy independence on Rush Limbaugh's show Tuesday. She stated she believes in oil drilling in the Arctic Wildlife Refuge, safe nuclear power, and clean-burning coal. She read about it in her copy of Unscientific American.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 10-16-08

OKLAHOMA CITY--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

The San Fernando Valley was swept up by brushfires north of Los Angeles Monday which ignited in the canyons and burned suburban houses in the foothills. A lot of people told the firefighters to get lost. They don't have insurance against foreclosure.

Wall Street enjoyed a thousand-point rebound Monday when cash flowed back into stocks. All the money came pouring out of the mattresses. No one's seen anything like it since all the water beds in Los Angeles broke open during the 1971 earthquake.

Native Americans denounced Columbus Day Monday as a celebration of conquest. To make amends, the U.S. government has given tribes casinos. Now Indians have the same advantage over the white man which they had at the Little Big Horn, namely house odds.

Project Acorn was found Monday to have registered seven-year-old kids and dogs as Democratic voters. It may backfire. The joke will be on Acorn when the kids and dogs vote Republican because they're tired of everyone talking to them like they're two years old.

World Series of Poker officials called for an end to the ban on Internet poker Saturday. Online poker is relatively wholesome. The queen of hearts and the queen of diamonds are the only two women on the Internet who have their blouses buttoned up.

Oliver Stone's movie W, starring Josh Brolin as President Bush, opens Friday. The film takes a factual and detailed look at President Bush and Dick Cheney as they ran the country. Laurel and Hardy looked better pushing a piano up a flight of stairs.

Barack Obama gave a speech in Ohio Monday where he outlined an economic rescue plan for America. He proposed removing capital gains taxes on small businesses in the United States. Those small businesses are General Motors, Ford and United Airlines.

Baghdad's stock market was reported booming Friday despite the world financial crisis. It's no surprise. They have lots of disposable income ever since President Bush freed the people of Iraq from the tyranny of monthly electricity and water bills.

John McCain laughed off the polls during a speech in Virginia Monday and predicted that he would upset the cocky Democrats. His followers need to beware. In America, white people who are over sixty and overweight are rounded up and put on cruise ships.

President Bush met Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi at the White House Monday in honor of Columbus Day. The Italian explorer landed in Haiti thinking he had arrived in India. To this day Italy is never favored to win the America's Cup.

Pope Benedict proposed the infamous Pope Pius XII for sainthood Thursday. He's the pope who signed a secret deal with Nazi Germany. To be fair, Pope Pius was only able to reach agreement with Hitler after they agreed to disagree on which one was infallible.

John McCain took on the underdog role in a Virginia speech Monday. He said his opponent has been measuring the Oval Office for drapes. After calling Barack Obama a terrorist didn't knock him out of the race, he's decided to call him a gay terrorist.

Chrysler management told company employees Monday that no deals have been made to merge with another automaker. The better move is to merge with a bank. Chrysler needs the infusion of cash and the banks need to acquire technology for crash safety.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 10-15-08.htm

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

The San Fernando Valley was hit by wildfires Monday, forcing evacuations in Chatsworth. It halted production at the city's many porno studios. If you want to watch Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac go down together you'll have to buy the Wall Street Journal.

Wall Street soared a thousand points Monday on the belief that the bank crisis is over. Everyone agrees on what caused it. Barack Obama has to get elected president now because it will be eight years before another young black couple gets a home loan.

New York held its Columbus Day Parade on Fifth Avenue Monday. When the explorer set sail from Spain everyone thought the world was flat. To show he knows more than Christopher Columbus, President Bush is piloting the country off the end of the earth.

Great Britain guaranteed loans between banks Monday, igniting a worldwide stock market rally. Everybody wants this deal. The NFL says if the government doesn't guarantee loans between sports books, the entire National Football League will collapse.

Cris Collinsworth led an HBO panel discussion Sunday on the use of painkillers in the NFL. The aches are lifelong. Some retired NFL players are in such pain from arthritis they can't hold their own guns when they are getting their memorabilia back.

Angelina Jolie was accompanied by reporters Monday when she went shopping with her seven-year-old son Maddox for his first knife. It's a sign of the times. When his dad Brad Pitt was a little boy and everybody played O.J., they used a football.

Barack Obama was criticized for hanging out with Sixties radical Bill Ayers. He led the Weathermen, who wanted to nationalize the banks and guarantee home ownership for every American. Today we have two words for someone like that--Treasury Secretary.

Warren Buffett was hailed on Wall Street after Monday's rally. He showed faith and bought General Electric and Goldman Sachs when things looked darkest. He's the only seventy-seven-year-old man who can make the earth move without any pharmaceutical assistance.

The Drug Enforcement Agency braced itself for interception efforts Friday after Afghans reported a huge poppy harvest. The poppy is used to make heroin. The drug is for people who want something less incapacitating than five hundred cable channels.

President Bush attended fundraisers in Texas last week to raise money to build his presidential library at SMU. The library will highlight his accomplishments. It includes an exhibit where you can pick up a headset and hear all your old phone calls.

Bill and Hillary Clinton campaigned together for Barack Obama in Pennsylvania Sunday. The former president spent his entire speech praising his wife. You just can't break up a marriage when divorce means you'll have to testify against each other.

Sarah Palin was introduced by Hank Williams Jr. in Virginia Beach on Monday. She got bigger cheers than he did. She's the emblem of family values, at least until Paris Hilton clues her in on how much money publicists will pay her to attend club openings.

Alaska's legislature released an investigative committee report Friday stating Governor Sarah Palin abused the powers of her office, but no one cares. Everybody loves the backstory of a family of hillbillies drilling for oil. As long as Mr. Drysdale doesn't turn over their banking records, they should get away with everything.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 10-14-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Sarah Palin will host NBC's Saturday Night Live in two weeks with Tina Fey. Don't miss the opening segment. Sarah and Tina take turns saying idiotic things and the crowd has to guess which ones are jokes and which ones are Republican policy proposals.

The Catalina Sky Survey telescope spotted an asteroid heading for earth Friday and issued an alert. Fortunately it exploded in the sky before impact. America's financial system may be destroyed but at least our missile defense system still works.

General Motors fell to five dollars a share Friday, mirroring Ford's fall. This is a separate crisis from Wall Street's. The difference between the auto industry and the financial industry is that in the financial industry, airbags cause the crash.

President Bush went on the air Saturday and urged investors and Wall Street traders to stay calm. The safety net is there for everybody. Any Republican who makes less than two hundred thousand dollars a year automatically qualifies for golf ball stamps.

New York comedy clubs sold out Friday after Wall Street's collapse. During the Great Depression, comedians got rich. It's why comedians are circulating petitions calling for President Bush to declare a national emergency and stay in office forever.

Dallas Cowboys safety PacMan Jones was subdued by police Tuesday after fighting with his team-assigned bodyguard. He's been involved in a dozen shootings and car wrecks. PacMan Jones being the team's safety is like making Michael Vick the team veterinarian.

O.J. Simpson's lawyer demanded a new trial Saturday following O.J.'s conviction for robbery in Las Vegas. He says O.J. didn't get a fair trial. The jury refused to consider O.J.'s perfectly logical defense that he's a murderer, not a room service waiter.

Congressman John Lewis accused John McCain of stoking racial hatred Saturday, prompting McCain to accuse Lewis of bringing up race. Why are they bothering to talk about race? We're all so covered in red ink nobody can tell what color anybody is.

John McCain frustrated supporters at a Minnesota town hall meeting by praising Barack Obama in response to a questioner. There's a reason he's backing off the attack. Republicans play golf so much they think that the low score wins the election.

Sarah Palin was cited for ethical lapses by Alaska lawmakers Friday. Let's hear her side. You always hear about the ninety thousand dollars in Congressman William Jefferson's freezer, but you never hear about the three fingers he lost to frostbite.

Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac were ordered Friday to start buying up forty billion dollars a month of toxic assets held by banks. It's a change for Freddie and Fannie. They are getting out of the home mortgage business and getting into waste management.

President Bush held a meeting of the Group of Seven finance ministers Saturday at the White House. They were coordinating their economic crisis response. They used to be the Group of Eight, but Russia had to take a time-out for invading Georgia.

Oliver Stone's movie about President Bush premieres Friday. It says he invaded Iraq to show up his father in front of his mother. Whenever you get too sad thinking about all the victims of broken homes, think of all the victims of intact ones.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 10-13-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Wall Street staged a major rally after a disastrous opening Friday. The market responded to leadership. The rally began when Bill Clinton went on the air and reminded Americans that just because something is crooked doesn't mean it can't go up.

Baghdad's stock market was reported booming Friday thanks to Iraq's recovering economy. Its stock exchange isn't yet linked to the global financial system. American investors are calling the troops in Iraq and asking them to please send us some armor.

President Bush went on television Friday to assure Wall Street that he's doing everything he can imagine to stop the market slide. He's so lost. This is the first problem he's ever faced that couldn't be solved by getting sober or invading somebody.

Commerce Bank of New York reported Friday that the coin redemption machines in its lobbies had a huge jump in transactions all week. It was easy to spot all the investment bankers in line. They were carrying their pennies in Cole-Haan shoe boxes.

Wall Street staged a furious rally in the final hour of trading Friday. At one point the Dow was actually in plus territory. They hadn't seen the plus sign in so long Bill Maher complained that Wall Street was endorsing Christianity.

London erupted in riots Friday when some British banks were nationalized. John McCain was shouted at by supporters to stop the socialism. Republicans are out on the streets waving the eighteen flags of capitalism, one for every hole on the course.

Barack Obama fundraiser Terrence Bean was outed Friday as a movie studio chief who makes gay sex movies. It could cost Obama votes in the Heartland. Americans by and large are very offended by sodomy unless it's performed by a licensed stockbroker.

Sarah Palin was wildly cheered during her speech in Wisconsin Thursday as John McCain stood onstage next to her. He looks a little embarrassed whenever she says Golly Gee and Gol Dang. Those were two strippers he knew in Vietnam.

The Coast Guard intercepted another mini-sub full of cocaine off the West Coast last week. Everyone knows when they're coming. Whenever the shipment gets within twenty miles of the drop-off point, blondes begin running into the ocean like grunion.

Connecticut's Supreme Court said Friday that gay couples in the state have the same right to get married as straight couples. The Republicans were dancing in the street. For a second there they thought they were going to have to run on the economy.

Christmas sales were advertised six weeks early by retailers Friday who fear no one will go shopping in December. We've given up on Santa Claus. Before going to bed on Christmas Eve, everyone will be leaving milk and cookies out for Warren Buffett.

John McCain proposed Friday that tax rules requiring seniors to sell a portion of their retirement account every year be suspended until the market recovers. The crowd reaction was restless. They wanted to hear Lester Maddox's I Have an Ax speech.

Barack Obama lectured Republicans Friday for bringing up his past associations with terrorists, anti-American pastors, and Chicago real estate crooks, and his cocaine use and alleged Muslim ties. The last charge isn't fair. He opened his speech with a prayer in which he thanked Jesus Christ for his mail-in vote in Nevada Tuesday.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 10-12-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

The White House took North Korea off the terrorism watch list Friday. They are relatively harmless. This year's premiere episode of Twenty-Four has a suitcase nuclear bomb detonating in Times Square and doing less damage than President Bush has done.

President Bush revealed plans to nationalize the banks Thursday as Wall Street plummeted. He's taking years off our lives. This administration will go down in history as the only one that began and ended with bond traders jumping out of windows.

Saturday Night Live alum Al Franken took the lead in the polls Thursday in the Minnesota U.S. Senate race. The comedian had no choice but to run for high office. He doesn't look enough like Sarah Palin to get his old job back on Saturday Night Live.

Paris Hilton told Harper's Bazaar Friday that Sarah Palin should wear low-cut blouses and tight skirts. Consider the source. Last week a woman in Beverly Hills told her plastic surgeon to make her just like Paris Hilton, so he gave her a lobotomy.

Virgin Airlines refused a million dollar offer from a movie producer Monday to shoot a porno film on their space flights. He wanted to film the first porno movie ever shot in zero gravity. It could revitalize the career of a lot of older actresses.

O.J. Simpson went to jail Friday after his conviction for the hotel room robbery at the Palace Station in Las Vegas last year. O.J. had no idea that everything in the hotel room was being recorded. Some guys still live in a pre-September 11th world.

Oliver Stone's movie about the life of President Bush opens in theaters Friday and highlights his embattled family relationships. He's always been more warlike than he was romantic. The evening he proposed to Laura he gave her a conflict diamond.

President Bush met with Group of Seven nations finance ministers to try to end the liquidity crisis. He's clearly in way over his head. The president never should have let his brother Neil talk him into taking that teaser-rate loan to move into Iraq.

Barack Obama admitted knowing Sixties terrorist Bill Ayers Thursday. He headed the radical group Weathermen. John McCain's campaign is taping the Weather Channel night and day trying to find some current footage of Bill Ayers blowing something up.

Barack Obama denied any terrorist ties to Bill Ayers on ABC News Wednesday. He may have other skeletons in that area. According to Nevada's voter registration rolls, Fidel Castro and Osama bin Laden have already voted for him by mail in Las Vegas.

John McCain admitted that young voters know little about the Vietnam War which defines his biography. They can't seem to grasp that the U.S. might have been in a war that wasn't fought over oil. They just assume that cars in the Sixties ran on rice.

John McCain and Barack Obama argued over who offered the best health care plan Thursday. It's increasingly become a religious issue. More and more Americans are becoming Christian Scientist because it has the only health care plan they can afford.

Galveston residents began rebuilding Tuesday in the aftermath of Hurricane Ike's destruction. The bad news is, many people went four weeks with no electricity and no television. The good news is, they got to generate their own sex and violence.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 10-10-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

The Cotton Bowl hosts the annual game between Oklahoma and Texas Saturday. The oil crowd is on their best behavior. They know if they spend too much money on alcohol and luxury hotels President Bush will seize college football and sell it to Citigroup.

Barack Obama was confronted on the campaign trail Wednesday over controversial associations in Chicago. It could cost him the presidency. If he manages to blow a six-point lead this close to the finish line he could replace Ernie Banks as Mr. Cub.

Dallas Cowboys players were found to have been fraudulently registered as Nevada voters by a liberal group Tuesday. They were just taking names from the sports pages. If they wanted to get away with everything they should have stolen the names from the business section.

Sarah Palin's family tree showed Tuesday she's Franklin Roosevelt's and Princess Diana's ninth cousin. It's a grim sign for John McCain. Sarah Palin is genetically pre-disposed to steal the spotlight and to be the president during a great depression.

Joe Biden said Sarah Palin's tactic of bringing up Barack Obama's past links to Rev. Jeremiah Wright, Chicago crook Tony Rezko and Sixties radical bomber Bill Ayers is mildly dangerous. He was afraid to criticize her too harshly. Joe Biden is such an ineffective attack dog that Michael Vick would have donated him to a children's shelter.

The London Stock Exchange chaplain wrote a blog post Monday saying gays should have warnings tattooed on their backsides and chins. Don't be angry at him. He was just trying to think of some way to use up all the black ink the stock market is not using.

Wall Streeters looked worn after the Dow Jones dropped one thousand points in five trading days. The most popular investment seminars are now hosted by Hollywood stunt men. Everybody wants to learn how to jump off a speeding train without getting killed.

AIG executives vacationed at a luxury spa in Southern California after they were bailed out last week. They spent their bailout on manicures, bar tabs, back rubs and greens fees. You want to be tanned, rested and ready when the guillotine rolls up.

The Federal Reserve cut a key interest rate to a point and a half on Wednesday. Now it's even easier for people to go into debt. So many homeowners in Los Angeles are digging a hole for themselves, it's cut the cost of subway construction by two-thirds.

Cook County sheriffs in Chicago suspended evictions of homeowners who were delinquent in their mortgage payments Wednesday. For weeks, men in uniform have been chasing people off the land they thought was theirs. We could have celebrated Columbus Day with a mattress sale but the Bush Administration wanted to go with a re-enactment.

Barack Obama admitted in Men's Health magazine that he still occasionally smokes cigarettes. It's just politics. In order to carry the tobacco states he admits he is still a smoker, and in order to carry California he's going to get breast implants.

Vladimir Putin released a video called Let's Learn Judo with Vladimir Putin. It's a martial arts tape. He teaches Russian judo students how to punch, kick and knock down your opponent and if that doesn't work, poison his Gatorade after the match.

John McCain had to stand onstage next to Sarah Palin in Pennsylvania Wednesday as she brought down the house, line after line, while introducing him. Every comedian sympathized with McCain. We've all had to follow Gallagher at one time in our careers.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.


###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 10-9-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

John McCain and Barack Obama had their second presidential debate in Nashville Tuesday at Belmont University. It was very tense. Before the debate even started, bomb-sniffing dogs went through the auditorium looking for Barack Obama's old friends.

John McCain startled GOP debate viewers Tuesday by proposing a government plan to prop up home values to help solve the mortgage mess. The signs at his rallies all say Country First. Even his campaign slogan sounds like a failed savings and loan.

Barack Obama called for a national health care program in Tuesday's debate. He said health care coverage should be universal in a country as wealthy as the United States. When he memorized that line four weeks ago it seemed perfectly logical.

Barack Obama suggested Warren Buffett for Treasury Secretary and John McCain suggested eBay CEO Meg Whitman. It raises two questions. Would Warren Buffett want his picture on the money, and how much could Meg Whitman could get us for Puerto Rico?

NBC News star Tom Brokaw moderated Tuesday's debate in Nashville and spent half the debate lecturing Barack Obama and John McCain. He told them to stick to the subject, answer the questions and talk less. When he asked them if they agree with the British that we need an acceptable dictator in Afghanistan, they both endorsed him for the job.

Sarah Palin took aim at Barack Obama on the campaign trail Monday for his ties to Sixties radical bomber Bill Ayers. Ask any moose if she's good at this. The difference between Sarah Palin and Dick Cheney is, when she shoots you, you stay down.

Barack Obama's fundraising is under Federal Election Commission review for foreign Internet donations to his campaign. It'll blow over. It was revealed Obama received more than three million dollars in donations from people overseas who might not be U.S. citizens, family mostly.

New York plastic surgeons on Monday reported a boom in facelifts for brokers and money managers who are suddenly looking for new jobs. They have no trouble paying for the procedure. The bags under their eyes are where they stored last year's bonuses.

The Wall Street Journal said Tuesday's sell-off could have been much worse. The obituary page listed only three deaths. One trader had a heart attack at eighty-two, one had kidney failure at seventy-five, and the other had Lehman Brothers at sixty-six.

Lehman Brothers' former CEO Richard Fuld was slugged by a disgruntled client at their Manhattan gym Sunday. The client fury is spreading. Investment bankers can't lay out on the beach in Southern California because cats keep kicking sand over them.

President Bush went on the air Tuesday to assure America that the economy will recover and improve eventually. He needs to work on his pep talks. The Dow Jones fell a hundred points when he said we have nothing to fear but some very scary things.

President Bush predicted Tuesday there won't be a quick economic recovery. He's experienced at this by now. No one's seen Oliver Stone's new film about President Bush, but if it's not a disaster movie everybody will be asking for their money back.

President Bush told a USO benefit Sunday that things began to turn around in Iraq when the USO deployed Jessica Simpson. It's a none too subtle hint. The president is a bit annoyed that she is dating the quarterback when he's the King of the Cowboys.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 10-8-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

President Bush went on television to calm Wall Street Monday, prompting the Dow Jones to plummet. The more he talks the worse it gets. After eight hard fought innings, President Bush now leads al-Qaeda by a score of three bank buildings to two.

Sarah Palin campaigned in Florida on Monday and at every stop she reminded the crowd that Barack Obama's friends are a bunch of Chicago terrorists. People like terrorists from Chicago. We already have Al Capone in charge of the Treasury Department.

O.J. Simpson was taken to jail Friday to await sentencing after a jury convicted him for armed robbery in a Las Vegas hotel room. He could get life in prison for using a gun. When O.J. stopped using a knife it was like Michael Jordan playing baseball.

The Tampa Bay Rays made the post-season for the first time Thursday. For years they were the Devil Rays, then they took the devil out of their name and now they may win it all. Hillary could just kick herself for not running under her maiden name.

President Bush attended a GOP fundraiser in San Antonio Monday and then stopped by a downtown lunch counter to reassure the local diners about the stock market. His every word is magic. The president said hello to the busboy and the dishes crashed.

John McCain debated Barack Obama in a Nashville town-hall meeting Tuesday. The crowd looked frightened. Asking Tennesseans to choose between a war hero and Jesus is going to have a lot of them voting for a third-party candidate just to stay neutral.

Barack Obama pointed out John McCain's link to savings and loans scandal crook Charles Keating Monday. Twenty years ago, many S&Ls went under due to a real-estate crash caused by Congress. The sequel is always more expensive than the original movie.

John McCain talked to a New Mexico crowd Monday about his strength in national security. During his speech he said the nation is safer at least a dozen times. It is generally accepted that America's number-one weapon against terrorism is repetition.

The Gallup Poll said Monday the race between John McCain and Barack Obama will come down to the swing states. Once again the presidential election will be decided in Ohio and in Florida. People who don't work are the only ones with the time to vote.

Sarah Palin linked Barack Obama to Sixties radical Bill Ayers on Monday. It's a sophisticated media strategy. By the time Tina Fey exaggerates her speech for comedic effect, Barack Obama will be positively identified as Patty Hearst's kidnapper.

Mayor Mike Bloomberg's plan to run for a third term hit a snag in the city council Monday. Some council members want to keep the term limits and run for mayor themselves. It's cheaper to pay for the mayor's race than to buy good seats at New Yankee Stadium.

The Super Lotto was won by nine people from Roswell, New Mexico, Friday. That's the town where people claim they saw UFOs land sixty years ago. We used to laugh at people who see things that don't exist until they got us in a war in Iraq.

Hank Paulson spent the weekend hiring ten asset management firms to handle the bailout. They'll be assigned to figure out which toxic assets the taxpayers must buy and how much money the toxic assets are worth. If you still have that plastic sheeting and duct tape from the last Orange Alert, this is a good time to put it up on your windows.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 10-7-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

John McCain and Barack Obama hold a town-hall debate tonight in Nashville. They have made their way a hundred miles north of their last debate in Mississippi. The Commission on Presidential Debates thought it would be fun to follow the path of the Underground Railroad.

O.J. Simpson was found guilty of robbery and kidnapping in Las Vegas Friday. Some guys are just born lucky. O.J. was a football star, then he was a Hollywood star, then he got away with murder and now he will never have to worry about making another mortgage payment.

Howard Stern tied the knot with his longtime girlfriend Saturday in a Las Vegas wedding ceremony. He proposed to her on Valentine's Day. He wanted to wait until he lost enough money in the stock market so the divorce won't be that costly.

Wall Street churches and synagogues in New York's financial district were full throughout last week's credit crisis. The investment bankers felt a real sense of renewal inside the sanctuaries. Each service began with a reading from Chapter Eleven.

President Bush signed the Wall Street bailout bill into law Friday and thanked Congress. The measure is not popular. Right now people are so angry at Washington that they can't get anybody to play the North in those Civil War re-enactment battles.

President Bush went on radio Saturday and told Americans that the bailout plan would eventually make money. That's his pattern. When President Bush was six years old he accidentally broke a lamp and told his mother that history would vindicate him.

Israel denounced North Korea Saturday for shipping arms and nuclear technology to six Arab nations. The Jewish state is so isolated. Israel is the only strip of land in the Middle East that has no oil, but that only protects them from a U.S. attack.

Barack Obama celebrated his sixteenth wedding anniversary Friday but all week he told crowds it was his fifteenth anniversary. The staff didn't mention it to him. If they start correcting his math now the whole health care plan falls apart.

Hillary Clinton praised Sarah Palin's debate performance on Friday. She said she was composed and very effective. If Hillary Clinton was working any harder to get Barack Obama elected president, she would be at Arlington digging the hole personally.

Sarah Palin and Joe Biden drew seventy million viewers Thursday. Their face-off was the third most-watched debate ever. It was eclipsed in popularity only by the debate between Reagan and Carter and the most-watched debate in history, Lust versus Fear of Being Caught.

Joe Biden's appearance in the debate caused comment by plastic surgeons in Los Angeles. He had no wrinkles and his eyelids had been lifted and tightened. Half the viewers thought Sarah Palin won the debate and the other half thought Connie Chung won.

President Bush flew back to his Texas ranch on Saturday but not before he went on a sentimental side trip to his childhood home in Midland. In the seventh grade he attended Jefferson Davis Junior High. It's where he learned how to lose a civil war.

Sarah Palin called out Barack Obama Saturday over his ties to Sixties anti-war radical William Ayers. The Chicago professor once headed the Weathermen, a group that bombed government buildings to protest the Vietnam War. There was a time in this country when opposing a war meant more than going on Larry King and plugging your documentary.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 10-6-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

The U.S. launched missile raids on al-Qaeda hideouts in Pakistan on Friday. It's part of a well thought out plan. President Bush was told in history class that war was good for the economy and he's going to keep starting them until things get better.

O.J. Simpson's robbery and kidnapping trial went to the jury in Las Vegas Friday after closing arguments. The prosecutor played a tape of the crime in progress. The jury wouldn't deliberate until they saw the House vote on the Wall Street bailout bill.

President Bush got his seven hundred billion dollar bailout bill passed by the House. You knew Congress would give him the money. Las Vegas would have cut him off by now and put his picture in the cashier's cage next to John Daly and Charles Barkley.

Congress passed the Wall Street bailout bill Friday, transferring seven hundred billion dollars in bad mortgage debt to taxpayers. The banks are giddy. After the bill passed, one congressman inserted his bank card into the ATM machine and it moaned.

President Bush saluted both parties of Congress Friday for passing the bailout bill. Lawmakers caved in to signs of financial panic. Wachovia Bank was gasping for air, Washington Mutual Bank was collapsing and even Ernie Banks said let's just play one.

CBS News star Lara Logan was accused of smuggling paintings of Saddam Hussein out of Iraq. She's a CBS foreign correspondent, a former swimsuit model, and six months pregnant. She'd be a vice presidential candidate but she was born in Australia.

Sarah Palin got glowing reviews on her debate performance Thursday. She winked at the cameras, wiggled her nose and had the audience under her spell. It was sweet afterwards when she was joined onstage by her daughter Tabitha and her husband Darren.

Sarah Palin said Friday high gas prices are giving billions to hostile regimes in the Middle East. Arabs aren't the only ones profiting from high gasoline prices. Clowns are making a fortune in Los Angeles teaching people how to fit twelve in a car.

Barack Obama flew to Chicago and took his wife to dinner for their anniversary Friday. What a night. They were toasted by six network news anchors, the editorial board of the New York Times, two hundred cable news show hosts, and the NBC Orchestra.

Iran outlawed Barbie and Ken dolls Friday and replaced them with Islamic dolls for kids. They said every Barbie doll is more harmful than a U.S. missile. Mattel stock soared thirty percent on the belief they're about to get a defense contract from Dick Cheney.

Georgia's gasoline shortages caused by Hurricane Ike eased up Friday when gulf refineries began producing full steam. People there are willing to sit in their cars in gas lines for as long as it takes. That's how much they hate Marching through Georgia.

Arnold Schwarzenegger asked the Treasury for a big bailout loan for California Friday. Why doesn't he just drill in oil-rich Los Angeles? Ten million years ago dinosaurs roamed Los Angeles telling themselves the asteroid would never affect them.

The U.S. District Court in Washington D.C. ruled Friday the White House must surrender its visitor logs showing how often Jack Abramoff visited President Bush. It still isn't too late for Congress to impeach him. President Bush could hold the distinction of being the oldest Baby Boomer forced by job loss to move back in with his parents.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 10-5-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Sarah Palin and Joe Biden squared off in the vice presidential debate Thursday, televised from Washington University in St. Louis. Americans tuned in just to see how many mistakes they would make. That's why the debate was sponsored by Liquid Paper.

Steve Fossett's plane was located near Mammoth Lakes Thursday a year after the billionaire adventurer took off in a single engine aircraft and went missing. His airplane crashed exactly a year before his portfolio crashed. He got out just in time.

Beverly Hills residents suffered more coyote attacks on their pets Monday. The coyotes deploy females in heat to lure dogs outside, then devour them. In their own defense, the coyotes say the dogs should never have signed up for such stupid mortgages.

The New York Yankees re-signed general manager Brian Cashman Thursday. The team needs to recapture its focus. Alex Rodriguez cheered up sick kids in the hospital this morning by promising them he would fill an inside straight in tonight's big game.

Bill Clinton began campaigning for Barack Obama in Florida on Wednesday. The two men couldn't be more different. Polls say that Barack Obama seems detached from the needs of ordinary Americans, as opposed to Bill Clinton who was on top of everything.

Playboy Enterprises sank to three dollars a share Friday. Their target readers play video games like Grand Theft Auto. Any game that lets you drive extremely fast without having to pay for gas has replaced anonymous sex as everyone's favorite fantasy.

Warren Buffett bought GE Thursday a week after he bought Goldman Sachs. He's enjoying the bloodbath. Last night Warren Buffett went to a Halloween party wearing the front page of the Wall Street Journal over his face and he won for scariest costume.

The U.S. Senate passed a Wall Street bailout bill including two hundred million dollars for Puerto Rican and Virgin Island rum distillers. No apology needed. We are doing all we can to help investment bankers and if they like daiquiris, so be it.

President Bush met with small business owners in the White House Thursday and asked them to back the bailout bill. He urged them to go to Congress and explain their plight. The last time they went to Capitol Hill they were large business owners.

John McCain cut off all campaign advertising in Michigan Thursday. The state's economy is too beleaguered to go Republican this year. Starting next month, General Motors will be offering a laid-off autoworker with the purchase of any GM car or truck.

Hillary Clinton was reported Thursday to be campaigning half-heartedly for Barack Obama because he won't promise her a Supreme Court nomination. Barack Obama is no fool. He's not about to give her a chance to reverse the result of the Iowa caucus.

Watergate burglar Gordon Liddy starred in commercials pitching gold coins for financial security Friday. The Nixon White House was nothing like the Bush White House. You don't need Woodward and Bernstein to realize who broke into the Middle East.

President Bush's warnings of hard times frightened retailers into putting Christmas merchandise on sale already. They worry he has scared consumers out of buying anything. You can invade the wrong country, ignore hurricane victims and crash the stock market, but you aren't the worst president in history til you've stolen Christmas.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 10-3-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

President Bush urged the Senate to pass the bailout bill Wednesday. It ballooned from three pages to a hundred pages to five hundred pages. To introduce a bill with that much pork in it during the Jewish holidays must be against some kind of law.

President Bush's low credibility rating and Congress's low approval rating got the blame for the failure to get a Wall Street bailout bill passed Tuesday. So far all they've done is talk. Boone Pickens convinced them that wind can solve this crisis.

Leonardo da Vinci was reported by art historians Tuesday to have placed eel on the table in his Last Supper painting, not bread or lamb as thought. It's big news. If everything that slithers is holy, the dress code for Congress should be white robes.

Congress met with bankers in a basement conference room of the Capitol Tuesday to discuss adding looser accounting rules to the bailout bill. That's the perfect place to meet with bankers. You can't kill yourself jumping out of a basement window.

The U.S. Senate offered an amended version of the bailout bill Tuesday. It would double the depositor insurance for banks that invested recklessly because they knew the deposits were insured. Whenever you see an active land mine, plant flowers on it.

New York cops said Monday a street robber seized four hundred thousand dollars cash from an armored car guard and got away. It'll be easy to catch him. Police are staking out every mattress store watching for someone who's buying an extra-deep king.

NBC's Tina Fey doubled Saturday Night Live's ratings with her Sarah Palin guest impersonations. The governor of Alaska is the biggest gift to comedians since Bill Clinton. It proves that not only is there a God but he does stand-up on Monday nights.

Sarah Palin and her husband Todd were reported Thursday to have over a million dollars in assets and an annual income into six figures. They need every penny of it. She's got a wedding to pay for and you know how expensive shotgun shells are.

The Phoenix spacecraft reported seeing falling snow on Mars for the first time Tuesday. It had to be done. You can tell Baby Boomers are in charge of the budget when NASA has to say they found signs of cocaine on Mars in order to get any funding.

Laura Bush and her daughter Jenna just co-authored a new children's book called Read All About It. It's about a boy who doesn't like to read books. He learns a bitter lesson when he grows up and refuses to read the Daily Intelligence Briefings.

NBC News sent a reporter to Hanoi to track down John McCain's prison guards and check on his torture claims. No one could believe NBC doubted he was tortured. NBC News is so deep in the tank for Barack Obama it violates the ban on waterboarding.

Bill Clinton campaigned for Barack Obama in Orlando on Wednesday. He said Barack Obama has better answers on the economy than John McCain does. He sounded more sincere when he was telling state workers in Arkansas they make his knees knock.

Former Soviet Union leader Mikhail Gorbachev teamed up with a Moscow tycoon to form the Democratic Party of Russia. The timing is no accident. The old communist didn't think he could coexist with capitalism until he saw the bailout bill in Washington D.C.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 10-2-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Sarah Palin will meet Senator Joe Biden Thursday at Washington University in St. Louis in the vice presidential debate. Americans will be rushing home tonight and popping popcorn. Everybody loves watching the Tournament of Imbeciles on Jeopardy.

John McCain's debate with Barack Obama Friday drew unexpectedly low television ratings. The political analysts were shocked by the low number of viewers. This is why the three broadcast networks still won't put an interracial couple in a TV show.

Wall Street soared Tuesday, one day after the bailout bill's defeat in Congress caused an eight hundred point drop. Home foreclosures are dragging down the world's wealthiest people. A few months ago Ed McMahon was a pariah, and today he's a pioneer.

The New York Mets blew the division lead and failed to make the playoffs again Sunday. Last week one Mets fan paid ten thousand dollars for Mets playoff tickets, but he did not lose his money. He paid for them with his Washington Mutual debit card.

New York's billionaire mayor Michael Bloomberg announced plans Thursday to run for a third term. He must maneuver around the two-term limit. He only takes one dollar a year in salary but after the week he's had in the market, he needs the four bucks.

President Bush is the subject of Oliver Stone's new movie, released three weeks before Election Day. He's reportedly depressed at the thought that his term is almost over. Last week, he crashed the stock market and even that didn't cheer him up.

President Bush warned if Congress doesn't come up with seven hundred billion dollars this week there will be painful, lasting damage. Lawmakers were skeptical. They don't realize he's paying for the Iraq war with money borrowed from Tony Soprano.

President Bush stated Tuesday the U.S. will accept eighty thousand refugees next year. It's a humanitarian gesture. He has great empathy for people who are hounded in their own countries just because they were wrong about weapons of mass destruction.

U.S. Congressman Alcee Hastings apologized Tuesday for saying hunters don't care about blacks and Jews. He was talking about Sarah Palin at the time. After hearing from his constituents for over a week, he now realizes that the comment was sexist.

John McCain is featuring Bill Clinton in a new campaign ad about the financial crisis. In the ad the former president is shown criticizing House Democrats for not reining in Fannie Mae. He would never have been impeached if they would have just kept her on their end of Pennsylvania Avenue.

Hillary Clinton's Beverly Hills pantsuit designer let the L.A. Times photograph a mannequin made to her exact measurements. Maybe Hillary hasn't paid her boutique bill. In Beverly Hills, if you stiff the dress designer your measurements go up on the Internet.

John McCain was told by an insurance actuarial Tuesday that he has only one chance in four of surviving his second term if elected. This could really help him win the Libertarian vote. They've always believe the best government is no government.

Barack Obama spoke to a wildly cheering crowd of believers in Reno Tuesday. He said he favors increasing the limit on insurance for bank accounts. The crowd tapped their feet impatiently until he finally got around to the Blessing of the Dice.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 10-1-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones was fined twenty-five thousand dollars Sunday for ripping a referee. It's absolutely against NFL rules to criticize an official. President Bush came downstairs to work Monday wearing a black and white striped shirt.

Sarah Palin was in New York last week for the U.N. opening. During the governor's down time she took her family to Central Park Zoo. People were a little offended when they refused to eat inside the cafeteria and insisted on killing their own lunch.

Somali pirates seized a freighter in the Indian Ocean and demanded a ransom of twenty million dollars. The U.S. Navy has the ship surrounded. Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson said he will work with Congress to develop a rescue plan for the pirates.

The New York Yankees missed the playoffs for the first time in twelve years on Sunday. It went unnoticed. If you'd been told in April that the men in pinstripes would be eliminated by October, you never would've thought they meant Lehman Brothers.

Citigroup swallowed up wounded Wachovia Bank Monday. Last week Washington Mutual was devoured by JP Morgan. The ratings for Animal Planet have never been higher since they pulled their cameras out of Africa and started covering Wall Street.

Washington Mutual collapsed under the weight of defaulted home loans last week but the investment house JP Morgan came to the rescue and purchased the embattled bank. It had survived two world wars and a depression. The bank was founded in January.

House Republicans defeated the White House bailout plan in Congress Monday. It could mean an end to easy credit. The only reason Americans don't all own elephants is they've never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy monthly payments.

Democrats were blamed Monday for passing laws that forced banks to grant loans in poor neighborhoods. It was the seed of disaster to make home loans to people with bad credit and no income. On the other hand, you can't expect USC tailbacks to live in a dorm.

House Republicans opposed the bailout bill as a breach of free enterprise. Now money managers say they are not going to be buying stocks until the market finds a natural bottom. Frederick's of Hollywood has caused a lot of men to lose a lot of money.

Wall Street plunged Monday as the Dow Jones fell hundreds of points after the bailout failed. It may not have been the bailout, the markets might have been reacting to the end of the quarter. Even parking meters are only taking folding money.

Oliver Stone said Sunday Josh Brolin wasn't his first choice to play President Bush in W. He said he wanted Christian Bale, but the actor didn't like all the hours in the makeup chair. In the run-up to the Iraq war he had to wear a longer nose every day.

Playboy Enterprises warned Hugh Hefner Monday to lay off staff at his New York and Los Angeles offices or face bankruptcy. The Playboy empire is in dire straits due to the global economic crisis. Miss October lost two cup sizes during Monday's sell-off.

Sarah Palin, who said Vladimir Putin flew over Alaska in a military jet, on Thursday will debate Joe Biden, who said Franklin D. Roosevelt went on TV before it was invented. They both meet the threshold test for a running mate. They guarantee a continuity of comedy in the event anything happens to the next president.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio