Argus Hamilton's column for 9-30-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Bill Clinton said Wednesday he'll campaign for Barack Obama in the South after the Jewish holidays. Is he kidding? It's been so long since Bill Clinton lived in the South he has forgotten that the only religion that matters is college football.

The USC Trojans were upset by Oregon State Thursday and lost their top football ranking. It wasn't their week. The team's slush fund at Washington Mutual has more than a hundred thousand dollars in it and they're waiting to find out if it's insured.

President Bush discussed his Wall Street bailout plan with Gordon Brown at the White House. His advice was welcomed. Gordon Brown's been a socialist all his life but President Bush has only been one for a week, and he needed some help on his swing.

The White House pressed its seven hundred billion dollar bailout plan for Wall Street all weekend. That's money we may never see again. As a concession to House Republicans they've agreed to transfer the nation's financial center from Wall Street to Flushing.

The U.S. Mint was forced to halt the sale of their American Buffalo and American Indian gold coin Friday due to overwhelming investor demand. That's how shaky the financial markets have gotten. People think the buffalo and the Indian look safe.

Republicans complained Saturday that Democrats loaded up the bailout plan with unrelated add-ons. They object to more union participation. They don't realize the financial markets aren't moving because the Brink's truck drivers are on a donut break.

Democrats added poison-pill language to the bailout bill on Friday. They tried to route profits from the eventual sale of the securities to La Raza and a public housing group. Republicans would rather let the market crash and do the time for bank robbery.

Iran's president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in New York Friday dodged questions about women's rights in Iran. We're on two separate planets. In Iran, if women commit adultery they'll get stoned, while in Los Angeles women get stoned and commit adultery.

The Internal Revenue Service was challenged by a group of evangelical pastors Sunday who said they have every right to endorse a presidential candidate from their pulpits. It was a tough call for these ministers to make. They split fifty-fifty between the GOP candidate who is evangelical and the Democratic candidate who's Jesus.

John McCain spent Saturday on the phone at his Virginia headquarters checking on the progress of the bailout bill. He prefers his office phone. When you've had melanoma four times on the side of your head you might be a little afraid to use your cell phone.

Governor Sarah Palin began preparing Saturday for Thursday's vice presidential debate against Senator Joe Biden at Washington University in St. Louis. She has no intention of coming in second. This time she's going to wear a two-piece swimsuit.

Ohio corn farmer Duke Wheeler carved a sixteen-acre portrait of Gov. Sarah Palin on his corn farm Thursday and began charging visitors eight dollars admission. That's absolutely heartless. If corn farmers are going to milk the taxpayers for ethanol subsidies, they should at least grant us free admission to their theme parks.

Albert Einstein's telescope was put on display this week after being discovered in a Jerusalem storage shed. It's old, but it can still see Jupiter's moons. Sadly, he died before he could invent one that could see a financial crisis coming down Fifth Avenue.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 9-29-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Barack Obama flew to Mississippi Friday to prepare for the first presidential debate at Ole Miss. The television audience tuned out. Once the governor stepped out of the doorway and allowed him into the auditorium, the drama was pretty much over.

The White House held contentious meetings between Democrats and Republicans on Thursday to try to forge a Wall Street bailout. There's a real need for protection for taxpayers. With what they're doing to us, we're all aware we could catch something.

Sarah Palin revealed Friday that her father's pest control company exterminated rats in New York six years ago. The city was plagued by a huge rat overpopulation. The law schools were graduating them faster than the investment firms could hire them.

Portfolio magazine released its November issue, called The Billionaires of New York. It shows pictures of their estates, their boats, their furniture and their art collections. The magazine doubles as an auction catalogue from the bankruptcy court.

Washington Mutual was purchased by JP Morgan on Friday after customers pulled out billions of dollars. WaMu's recent commercials didn't inspire depositor confidence. It's the church's place to ask people to pray, not the banking industry's.

President Bush invited British Prime Minister Gordon Brown to the White House Friday to discuss the financial crisis. It won't work this time. We can't ask the British to burn down the White House for the insurance money because we're with AIG.

Paul McCartney gave a rock concert in Israel before seventy-five thousand fans Thursday. It's nothing like the old days. Halfway through the show the emcee ran onstage and warned everybody there are some bad assets out there and not to take them.

O.J. Simpson's prosecutor rested his case in Las Vegas Friday. Everyone's bracing for the verdict. When O.J. was acquitted in Los Angeles half a million Californians moved to Nevada, so maybe when O.J. gets acquitted in Las Vegas they will all come home.

The Box Nightclub in Manhattan invited Barack Obama supporters to see Friday's debate there and give fifty dollars to his campaign. The club is famous for raunchy sex acts and drug raids. There are debates at the club each night, but lust always wins.

Sarah Palin's former church released an old video of her being prayed over for protection from sorcery. The pastor was a holy man from Kenya. Whenever she and Barack Obama bump into each other on the campaign trail, they act like they never met.

John McCain was targeted in an ad by a liberal advocacy group showing graphics of his face cut open by his melanoma surgery. The melanoma isn't likely to recur. Every time John McCain goes out into the sun now, he has George Hamilton coaching him.

NBC News said Friday fertilizer sales have plummeted because farmers can't get bank loans to buy manure. Congress let them down. The copy machines can't print the Wall Street bailout plan and run it through the shredder fast enough to save the crops.

President Bush signed a bill at the White House Friday that will extend Secret Service protection to vice presidents for six months after they leave office. It's not nearly enough. Who's going to protect the vice president's hunting partners?


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 9-28-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

President Bush invited leaders of Congress to the White House Thursday to sell them on his Wall Street bailout. Things look dire. The president warned them that if they don't pass this bill Saddam Hussein will have nuclear weapons within the year.

Wall Street was flooded with street protesters Thursday over the seven hundred billion dollar bailout. It's not popular. So far only two groups are in favor of the bailout, bankers who would get all the bad mortgages off their books and unicorns.

President Bush's meeting with Republican and Democratic congressional leaders ended in confusion and rancor over the bailout plan Thursday. Sports fans loved it. This is the World Series of blame-shifting and every one of these people is Babe Ruth.

President Bush was reported glum after pitching his bailout plan to leaders of Congress. At meeting's end he said that this sucker could go down. It's a White House superstition that you have to flatter Monica Lewinsky to goose the stock market.

Congress was flooded by angry calls from taxpayers Friday over the Wall Street bailout plan. You can smell the fear in the air. Every one of those congressmen was redistricted into a safe seat and they just found out that seat is on the Titanic.

Dick Cheney tried to sell the bailout plan to GOP congressional leaders Tuesday at the Capitol. They yelled at him and ran him out. Dick Cheney finds himself in the terrifying position of being a lame duck just a month before hunting season starts.

Sarah Palin was propositioned by the presidents of Afghanistan and Pakistan on television Tuesday. At last, a plan. We sue them for sexual harassment, we attach their wages, then we pay for the Wall Street bailout with the next two poppy harvests.

Anheuser-Busch sponsored a bill to allow more marketing giveaways in California for flavored malt liquors. They're colorful and appeal to young people. The newest drink is called Autumn Leaf because after one sip you turn red and fall to the ground.

Boston University's medical school said Thursday that sixteen NFL players will donate their brains to a study of concussions. It's as dangerous on the sideline as it is on the field. President Bush was a cheerleader at Andover and look at the damage.

George Michael was arrested for smoking crack in a men's room Friday. He was once arrested for lewd conduct in a men's room. That ad for the prescription drug that keeps men from frequently going to the men's room may not have a handle on the problem.

Congressman Alcee Hastings warned a Jewish group in Florida about Sarah Palin Thursday. He said anyone who totes guns and strips moose doesn't care what they do to blacks and Jews. Every campaign starts out with a promise by both sides to be civil and by October second-graders are asking their parents why everybody's name is Hitler.

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger signed a bill in Sacramento Thursday which outlaws text messaging while operating a moving vehicle. Texting is not to blame for the train wreck last week. President Bush doesn't even have a BlackBerry.

Ways and Means Chairman Charlie Rangel was investigated Wednesday by the House Ethics Committee. He's got four apartments in New York under rent control. Any guy who writes the nation's tax laws is accustomed to asking for everything in quadruplicate.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 9-26-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

President Bush gave a televised address to the nation Wednesday about the Wall Street bailout. He said taxpayers must put up seven hundred billion dollars to save the financial system. At least when O.J. Simpson holds you up he signs a few autographs.

Roger Clemens was excluded from Yankee Stadium's final event Sunday due to his dubious steroid testimony in Washington D.C. He's under FBI investigation for lying to Congress. If we put people in jail for that, we wouldn't have a Treasury Secretary.

JFK Airport in New York was evacuated Tuesday when two paperweights resembling Second World War grenades were found in luggage. As soon as they were identified as World War II grenades, everybody felt better. It meant the Great Depression is over.

President Bush was reported Tuesday to have bought a home at Preston Hollow in Dallas. He will keep his ranch, where he wants to raise horses. After eight years of running foreign and economic policy his way, he's not ready to give up manure.

President Bush got huge applause at the United Nations Tuesday. He just seized control of the banking, real estate and insurance industries. He was cheered by Third World leaders as one of their own and invited to their after-hours party for the first time in eight years.


Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's United Nations speech Tuesday raised more fears of a new pre-emptive war. Everybody's worried about an unstable government with nuclear weapons. If John McCain and Sarah Palin are elected we could be invaded.

John McCain suspended his campaign and hurried back to Washington Wednesday to try to help Congress write a bailout bill. His arrival was welcomed. He's the only senator with the life experience to withstand this kind of beating from the taxpayers.

Barack Obama said Wednesday he didn't want to postpone tonight's debate at the Ole Miss campus. He has a good ground operation there. There are posters all over Mississippi informing descendants of Confederate soldiers that they vote on Wednesday.

Sarah Palin met with foreign heads of state at her U.N. appearance Wednesday to show the world she's ready to be president. She was beaming from ear to ear with excitement and joy. Everyone looks like that on their very first trip to New York City.

Joe Biden told CBS News Tuesday that when Wall Street crashed in 1929, Franklin Roosevelt went on television and instilled national confidence. However, Herbert Hoover was president and there was no television. Researchers have just gone scrambling into Joe Biden's past looking for his Los Angeles high school diploma.

Sharon Bush was reported Thursday to have written a book called Bushology. The president's ex-sister-in-law reveals family secrets about him. The only thing we don't know about George Bush is whether to blame everything on his drinking or his sobriety.

North Korea reneged on their nuclear disarmament deal Tuesday and restarted their weapons reactor. They aren't considered much of a threat. It's true that North Korea has missiles that can reach Los Angeles, as long as they fired them from Santa Monica.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad predicted America's demise Tuesday. The bar is not set very high for him. He was just re-elected president of Iran by asking the people of Iran if they were better off now than they were four thousand years ago.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 9-25-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Spanish police arrested a self-styled Robin Hood in Madrid Friday. He took out millions of dollars in loans and gave the money to the poor, and now he refuses to pay it back. He had to sit in jail for two hours before he was bailed out by U.S. taxpayers.

President Bush released his taxpayer-funded bailout plan for banks Saturday in which taxpayers don't get any of the property, we get all the debt. It's having a ripple effect upon the comedy world. California blondes are now telling President Bush jokes.

The Chicago Cubs made the playoffs Sunday and fans went wild with World Series dreams. The last time they won the World Series, Teddy Roosevelt was president and the average price of a home was forty-five hundred dollars. Some things never change.

Yankee Stadium allowed fans onto the field ahead of the last game Sunday before the ballpark gets blown up the day before Election Day. George Steinbrenner knows what he's doing. Whenever there's an explosion in New York everybody votes Republican.

New York's Mercantile Exchange saw oil fall below a hundred dollars per barrel last week. Californians don't care about their stocks, pensions and houses. They're so happy they can afford to drive they'll never again lose sight of what's important.

Paris Hilton lost two of her pet Chihuahuas to a coyote attack last week, prompting alarm in Beverly Hills. She was never in any danger herself. A coyote would never attack an actress, if only out of courtesy to a fellow member of the Predators Union.

The Ryder Cup matches drew huge and boisterous galleries to Valhalla Golf Club in Louisville last week. The game now has mass appeal. Golf used to be a country club sport for high-church Protestants, but today it's open to anyone with plaid pants.

Paris travel agency Terre Entiere began offering tourists a Christmas vacation package to Iraq. So far, no takers for the Iraqi sightseeing holiday. Everybody's afraid that if they sign up for the trip they will be forced to serve three tours of vacation.

John McCain said Friday we must defeat the Taliban in Afghanistan. He's against the stoning of women, he's against arranged marriages and he's against the beheading of infidels. He is considered dangerously out of touch with traditional family values.

San Francisco voters may name a sewage treatment plant after President Bush on Election Day. They'll also vote whether to let people pay for sex in San Francisco. One involves antiseptic treatment of human waste and the other's too gross to describe.

The National Enquirer cited rumored love letters to claim that Barack Obama's marriage has exploded. They asked for tips to see if he's sleeping around. The National Enquirer believes if a politician isn't getting fat, there must be a reason.

John Edwards said Friday he has canceled all appearances through Election Day to keep from being a distraction, due to his marital infidelity becoming public knowledge. If he'd come clean at the start of the campaign, Hillary Clinton would have won every primary. It was the second time that infidelity has locked her out of the Oval Office.

The Justice Department on Friday declined to prosecute former congressmen Mark Foley for sending salacious e-mails to underage male pages after neither he nor the House would let prosecutors look at his computer. If Sarah Palin wants to keep her e-mails secret she is going to have to switch to gay guys. Maybe they can do something with her hair.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 9-24-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Paris Hilton lost two of her pet Chihuahuas to a coyote attack last week in the Hollywood Hills. The dogs took a risk by going outside the fence and had to pay the price. That's the difference between a Chihuahua and a Wall Street investment bank.

The Treasury Department pledged over a trillion dollars to bail out Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, AIG, and major banks. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief. Every dime we spend saving the economy is another dime Dick Cheney won't have to invade Iran.

Yankee Stadium invited old-timer fans to share ballpark memories Sunday. Ninety-year-olds said Babe Ruth wept rounding third base when he hit the stadium's first home run. Because of Prohibition he knew that was going to be the highlight of his day.

Microsoft pulled its ads staring Jerry Seinfeld and Bill Gates after two weeks because the ads weren't funny. It's not something you can teach. President Bush may not be the best president we've ever had, but because he's funny, he will always work.

President Bush toasted Hispanic Heritage Month at the White House Saturday. He spent all week nationalizing the banking, stock market, real estate and insurance industries. President Bush loves Mexico so much he wants America to look just like it.

Galveston residents made plans to return home a week after Hurricane Ike. They fear looting. It didn't help Friday when television news showed Warren Buffett running across the floor of the New York Stock Exchange stuffing companies into a pillow case.

Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez mocked the Wall Street debacle Thursday. He held three hundred million dollars in Lehman Brothers bonds. When he told the U.N. President Bush was the devil, he never thought he'd have to come to him for a bailout.

Democratic Party Chairman Howard Dean's family was spotlighted by the crisis on Wall Street. His mother's side founded Merrill Lynch and his father's side founded Dean Witter. Howard Dean never liked to talk about his family's investment firms, but now that they're all broke he highlights it as his link to working-class Democrats.

Sarah Palin's personal e-mail and photos were hacked and posted online Tuesday by a twenty-year-old guy. He said hacking her account was easy. He read her bio on Wikipedia and immediately figured out that her password is Bullwinkle-Must-Die.

The New York Post said social networking sites have replaced porn as the Internet's top draw. People would rather hook up for real than watch others have sex. Al Gore will only say now that he invented the Internet during a troubled time in his marriage.

The White House said President Bush will meet with Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas this week in Washington D.C. Every president does this during his last three months in office. It's only human nature to try to make nice with God on the way out.

Barack Obama said Friday there shouldn't be a bailout for Wall Street unless ordinary Americans also get help. He said he wants everyone to get a check for one thousand dollars. Everybody's excited because it's just enough for a low down payment.

The State Department admitted Thursday that the nuclear disarmament deal with North Korea is falling apart. The situation is very dangerous. North Korea's leader is incapacitated and now the Treasury Secretary is running everything.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 9-23-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

President Bush canceled an appearance at a waste facility in Alabama Thursday to monitor Wall Street. Who's advising him? If he wants to keep tabs on the economy he should have gone to the waste facility, because trillions of dollars were just flushed.

Bette Davis is on a new postage stamp honoring her role in All About Eve. It's about an aging star battling to save her career while a younger woman schemes to replace her. It's being remade with Amy Poehler as Hillary and Tina Fey as Sarah Palin.

Sarah Palin's staff spent hours last week with reporters shooting down all the nutty Internet rumors about her. She never said dinosaurs were lizards of Satan. Republicans believe as an article of faith that all fossil fuels come from God.

Sarah Palin shocked the GOP establishment in California Friday by canceling sold-out fundraisers in Orange County and Santa Clara. It only works in California. This is the only state in the union where people won't love you unless you reject them.

The California Public Safety Commission banned train engineers from using cell phones after text messaging caused a wreck. Now it's an election issue. Barack Obama called for more safety training and John McCain denied inventing the Blueberry.

The Dead Sea Scrolls: Mysteries of the Ancient World is a history exhibit that went on display in a museum in Manhattan Thursday. It's sponsored by AIG. Scholars have been struggling to decipher the documents, and that's just the AIG balance sheet.

New York's Health Department said it gave out forty million condoms in New York last year. People are outraged. If the Health Department knew what Wall Street was going to do to the taxpayers, they should have passed out forty million rape whistles.

Wall Street roared back Thursday on news that the U.S. government might guarantee every bad mortgage in America. It's great for the newspaper business. They can't cut down trees fast enough for everyone who wants to advertise in the Bailout Section.

Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson and Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke met with leaders of both parties to explain the Wall Street mess. The congressmen peppered them with questions. They all want to know how they can pass a pay raise for themselves in gold.

President Bush handled the Wall Street situation deftly last week, preventing a huge market crash. The guy has sold out as far as comedians are concerned. He took an oath eight years ago he wouldn't do anything right and now he's reneged on it.

John Edwards said Thursday he has canceled all public appearances until after the November election. He had a steamy affair with a campaign staffer. They once tried to fly United to Los Angeles, but the flight attendant kept pulling them apart before they could board.

Paris Hilton lost two of her puppies to a coyote attack Wednesday. Wild animals frequently get into her backyard a block above Sunset Boulevard in West Hollywood. Every time she runs out of vodka they leave the house and terrorize the neighborhood.

Microsoft canceled its three hundred million dollar ad campaign starring Jerry Seinfeld and Bill Gates after two weeks on the air. The ads dwelled on tight shoes and what it's like to live with real people. Only Eve did more to sell people on an Apple.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 9-22-08

OKLAHOMA CITY--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Barack Obama raised eyebrows Wednesday by flying out to Los Angeles to collect millions at a Beverly Hills fundraiser in the midst of a Wall Street meltdown. It wasn't as lucrative as he first thought. The checks were good but the banks bounced.

Barclays Bank in England purchased bankrupt Lehman Brothers Tuesday along with its Manhattan tower, saving nine thousand jobs. It's humiliating. The United States of America is two hundred and thirty-two years old and we're having to go to mom for money.

The Treasury Department proposed buying up all the garbage on all the books of all Wall Street banks and turning it into something they can sell. It must be approved by Congress. The Treasury Department is not licensed to operate a sewage treatment plant.

The Ryder Cup matches in Louisville were imperiled last week when winds blew tree branches onto the fairways and knocked down a TV tower. The golfers had to be careful not to trip and break a leg. Under Kentucky law they would be shot right on the green.

Fidel Castro is the subject of a film that says he slept with thirty-five thousand women. He had two new women a day, one for lunch and one for dinner. This shoots down the belief once and for all that breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

Ryan O'Neal was arrested at home in Malibu for drugs along with his son Redmond. His son Griffin and daughter Tatum have also had drug arrests. No one was suspicious that they already had their Christmas tree up until they saw the three feet of snow at the base.

Paul McCartney was threatened by al-Qaeda if he sings in Israel Thursday. Show business is so hard. Barbra Streisand has to sing at fundraisers and Paul McCartney has to be the target of terrorists just to compete with Sarah Palin for tabloid space.

Claudio Henrique dos Anjos changed his name to Barack Obama last week, becoming the sixth Brazilian politician to legally change his name to Barack Obama before October's elections. It's a coincidence. Jesus is a very common name in South America.

Barack Obama gave a speech in Las Vegas Wednesday where he blamed the meltdown in the financial markets on greed. Gamblers in Las Vegas don't understand Wall Street investors. Those people lose their shirts and they don't even get a free buffet.

Sarah Palin's personal e-mail and photos were hacked Wednesday. The hackers were able to crack the code. If you send someone a picture of a dead moose and they send you a picture of a dead wolf it means mum's the word, the trooper has naked pictures of you.

The Federal Reserve agreed Wednesday to lend AIG insurance eighty-five billion dollars. There's a reason why AIG got U.S. government money and Lehman Brothers didn't. AIG agreed to have its militia come over to America's side and fight al-Qaeda.

John McCain blamed the Wall Street mess on greed and Barack Obama blamed it on failed White House policy. Neither candidate understands the nuances of spreads and risk hedging. Next time, both parties should nominate someone who bets on football.

President Bush returned from Galveston Monday to face a Wall Street crisis. If it's not hurricanes or market crashes, it's war. President Bush doesn't go hunting because no matter what he shoots, the dog keeps bringing him back the morning newspaper.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 9-21-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Yankee Stadium will host its final New York Yankees game tonight. The stadium will be demolished next month. The team gave the demolition contract to an investment bank that promised they could do the job faster and louder and with government money.

Speaker Nancy Pelosi insisted last week that Democrats bear no responsibility for the Wall Street debacle. However, it was pressure by Democrats in Congress for affordable housing that created all the bad mortgages in the first place. Republicans can be accused of a lot of sins, but demanding nice homes for everybody isn't one of them.

Lindsay Lohan wrote an editorial on her website last week ripping the Sarah Palin candidacy. She's had a change of heart. Lindsay Lohan was all for Sarah Palin at first, but then someone explained to her that the white powder in the photo was Alaska.

The National Enquirer reported Thursday that Sarah Palin's teenagers are known in Alaska for casual sex, drug use and underage drinking. The paper is just being sexist. Sarah Palin is living proof that a woman can do it all, and so can her kids.

General Motors unveiled its Chevy Volt Tuesday, which runs on lithium batteries and a gas engine. It will be in showrooms in 2010. The car is neither front-wheel drive nor is it rear-wheel drive, it moves forward under the power of a federal bailout.

Syrian terrorist Omar Bakri targeted Paul McCartney for a suicide bombing if he performs in Israel next week. The sheikh got no volunteers. That's a martyr's death, and seventy-two virgins haven't come to a Paul McCartney concert since the pill was invented.

Saturday Night Live last weekend opened with Tina Fey doing a funny impression of Sarah Palin. Two days later the candidate drew the biggest crowd of her life. Exxon Mobil just offered Tina Fey a fortune to do an impression of light sweet crude.

Barack Obama went to a fundraiser in Beverly Hills Tuesday where Barbra Streisand sang. The McCain campaign was wrong to rip Obama for being with Barbra Streisand instead of Americans who are suffering economically. They had no idea she's a day trader.

Lehman Brothers went bankrupt Monday as employees cursed CEO Richard Fuld for refusing a six billion dollar private bailout last month. He took a one-hundred-fifty-year-old Wall Street institution and disintegrated it. Now he's on the no-fly list.

Saudi Arabian Sheik Muhammad Munajid declared on Tuesday that Mickey Mouse must die. He said under Islamic law, mice are impure. Disneyland is just grateful to be facing threats from religious extremists who are upset about something besides Gay Days.

Sotheby's in London sold works by shock artist Damien Hirst on Monday. He made eighteen million dollars off a dead calf he pickled in formaldehyde and gilded with eighteen-carat gold hoofs and horns. For the way Damien Hirst can create wealth out of garbage he was immediately offered the job as Chairman of the New York Stock Exchange.

Laura Bush made the cover of Harper's Bazaar this month in which she poses on the White House lawn in a red formal gown. She's shown holding two dogs on a leash. No one's surprised she got her husband to pose like that but Dick Cheney usually carries a gun.

John McCain blasted Wall Street in a speech to a cheering audience Tuesday in Ohio. The senator reminded the crowd that he's stood up to Republicans in the White House, he's battled the Democrats in Congress and he's defied the establishment on Wall Street. Ever since John McCain came back from Vietnam he sees enemies everywhere.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 9-19-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

O.J. Simpson's robbery and kidnapping trial got underway in Las Vegas Monday. He was arrested in a law-and-order state and must answer to an all-white jury which includes nine women. His only hope of winning is to name Sarah Palin his co-defendant.

Gulf of Mexico oil rigs survived Hurricane Ike with no damage or injuries. The rigs are solidly constructed and they're outside the reach of U.S. drug, banking and tax laws. They are everybody's next address if their guy doesn't get elected president.

John McCain's spokesman said Monday his work on telecom deregulation led to the BlackBerry. The senator doesn't even know how to text. As many air-to-air missiles as he has launched with his right thumb, learning to type with it should be no problem.

Barack Obama said Monday's stock market fall was the worst day since the Great Depression. He vowed to re-regulate Wall Street and throw investment bankers in jail. If he can't get a cab the next time he's in New York it'll have nothing to do with his race.

Barclays Bank moved in to buy Lehman Brothers Tuesday following the company's bankruptcy. It has a happy ending. When investment bankers are selling apples on street corners, Republicans will finally have a health care plan everybody can afford.

Wall Street rallied Tuesday before plunging again on Wednesday. The market's bouncing like a basketball. The difference is that in basketball, the referees go to jail for fixing the outcomes, and on Wall Street they get re-appointed to seven-year terms.

President Bush assured Texans Monday the U.S. government will pay for all debris removal. It'll take awhile. There are a lot of companies in Texas with the equipment to clear away rubble, but they're not coming back from Iraq for a small job in Galveston.

President Bush visited the hurricane-hit area of Texas Tuesday where he walked on the rubble and wreckage left by the storm. Recently he walked on the rubble and wreckage in New Orleans and he's famously walked on the rubble and wreckage of New York. So you see, Barack Obama isn't the only national leader with nails in his feet.

New York's Mercantile Exchange saw oil sink to ninety dollars a barrel this week. Sky-high oil prices didn't last long enough for Congress to pass any laws subsidizing cars that run on quirky alternative fuels. It's just more proof that God drives a Corvette.

John McCain stated his opposition to torture of prisoners at Guantanamo Tuesday. The government has sworn off waterboarding prisoners anyway. If they don't tell us what we want to know, we lock them up for five years and then strip them of their taxi medallions.

U.S. General David Petraeus handed over command in Iraq to U.S. General Ray Odierno in a ceremony in Baghdad Tuesday. Drums rolled, swords were raised and flags exchanged. Nowadays sixty is the new forty and forty is the new thirty and Iraq is the new India.

Barack Obama was revealed Tuesday to have a cousin by marriage who's the rabbi of an Ethiopian Jewish congregation in Chicago. His supporters were delighted to hear it. Barack Obama wouldn't be Jesus if he didn't have a couple of Jewish relatives.

Sarah Palin's foreign policy expertise came under fire this week. She only got her passport a year ago, she thinks Iraq is going great and she wants to drill everywhere. She's so much like George Bush that John McCain has begun distancing himself from her.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 9-18-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

The Ryder Cup pits the U.S. team against the European team this week at Valhalla Golf Club in Louisville. The golfers plan to pay tribute to one of the greats who's no longer with us. They will all be wearing black arm bands inscribed Lehman Brothers.

The Dow Jones suffered a five hundred point loss Monday after investment banks fell. Stockbrokers aren't jumping out of any windows. Real estate is falling so fast that all they have to do is hang onto the windowsill and the market does the rest.

Barack Obama said Monday's Lehman Brothers fall was the most serious financial crisis since the Great Depression. That's no way to scare anybody nowadays. Most Californians think the Great Depression ended when Franklin Roosevelt invented Prozac.

John McCain tried to calm Wall Street fears Monday, telling a Florida crowd the fundamentals look strong. He forgot where he was. When he said the fundamentals look strong, the crowd called their bookies and bet on Baylor and Texas Christian Saturday.

O.J. Simpson finally went on trial in Las Vegas Monday on charges of robbery and kidnapping. The robbery was caught on tape. O.J.'s agent was smart to get him booked for kidnapping because you can't get cable news coverage these days without a missing child.

President Bush met Ghana's President John Kufuor at the White House Monday and praised the African leader. He called Ghana a model of entrepreneurship, democracy and peace that is stable and well-governed. It's about time President Bush got a tutor.

General Motors celebrates its centennial Thursday by introducing the Chevrolet Volt, which runs on electricity. It's the car of the future. General Motors can't wait to show how the car can sit up on its rear wheels and beg Congress for a bailout.

Kentucky Fried Chicken hired an armored car Friday to move a piece of paper from one undisclosed location to another. It's believed to contain the Colonel's secret recipe of eleven herbs and spices. Actually it's the location of the Confederate gold.

Sarah Palin was skewered by all the columnists in the New York Times on Sunday for her perceived similarities to George W. Bush and Richard Nixon. The liberals can see it coming. Unless the Democrats run a white male Southern governor, their candidate goes down like the goldfish they won at the state fair when they were seven.

Iran's president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad will address the U.N. General Assembly next Tuesday. You know what he's thinking. He's just been informed that the Pentagon has approved selling Israel bunker-busting bombs, and he's president of the sand trap.

Congress found out that President Bush's appointees in the Interior Department were having sex with oil company executives. Not everyone's upset. A lot of people were glad to hear that their relationship was still happy after eight years together.

Sarah Palin spelled out her role in a McCain administration for the first time Monday. She'll stay busy. She would focus on energy, government reform and helping families with special-needs children, all while standing on the president's oxygen hose.

Joe Biden spoke in Michigan Monday, where he accused John McCain of delivering a low blow a day against Barack Obama and said McCain has become a disciple of Karl Rove. It may be true. Instead of a cross, John McCain wears a little pollster around his neck.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 9-17-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Wall Street teetered Monday after Lehman Brothers went under and Merrill Lynch got sold. The markets were shaken. It got so bad that Securities and Exchange Commission investigators ran outside to see if there were any planes sticking out of the building.

New York's Mercantile Exchange saw oil fall below a hundred dollars per barrel Monday. This reduces the pressure to drill in Alaska. The Caribou feel like they have gotten a reprieve from the governor, but she's too busy to shoot them now anyway.

Galveston residents faced a month-long task of cleaning up after Hurricane Ike on Monday. They're all just so grateful they weren't investment bankers. At least with all their money in a mattress they have a chance of finding it again eventually.

Houston businesses suffered widespread looting Sunday in the wake of Hurricane Ike's destruction over the weekend. It's not going to be easy to convict any of the thieves. They're all claiming they were just trying to get their memorabilia back.

O.J. Simpson's robbery and kidnapping trial got underway in Las Vegas on Monday, televised live to the nation. However, the coverage of his trial was completely overshadowed by the turmoil on Wall Street. The cameras always go where there's blood.

Ghana's President John Kufuor was given a lavish state dinner at the White House Monday night. Last February the African leader welcomed President Bush to Ghana by renaming a highway there the George W. Bush Motorway. It's a demolition derby track.

The Surrey History Center in England found that baseball was played in England three hundred years ago. Some aspects of the game never change. The league became unprofitable when the Declaration of Independence contained a free agency clause.

President Bush's parents hosted a family wedding in Kennebunkport that angered neighbors, who called the police. You can't blame people for being pro-active. Anytime the Bush Family makes plans to reproduce, it's a threat to peace and prosperity.

Sarah Palin cited the similarities between Nevada and Alaska Saturday in Carson City. They both began with lawless mining towns full of gamblers and dance hall girls. Then the churches arrived, but only Nevada had the foresight to burn them down.

Iran's president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad will be in New York next week to address the U.N. General Assembly. Like all insufferable egomaniacs he has a thin skin. Last week Mahmoud Ahmadinejad called up the producers of Mad Men and told them to lay off.

The Interior Department's Minerals Office in Denver was busted by the FBI last week. They were nailed for improper gifts, casual sex in the workplace and illegal drug use. The entire staff was hauled away and charged with living in the wrong decade.

Barack Obama spoke in Grand Junction Monday, where he made fun of John McCain's pledge to clean up Washington. Somebody must do it. When the clerk calls the roll in the U.S. Senate chamber, the senators don't know whether to answer present or guilty.

John McCain's surging poll numbers prompted New York state GOP Chairman Edward Cox to urge him to campaign in New York and spend ad dollars there. Ed Cox is married to Richard Nixon's daughter. It's looking like Todd Palin could sue him for bigamy.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 9-16-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

The New York Giants nixed a stadium naming rights deal with the German insurance company Allianz on Friday. It was a moral decision. Allianz once had strong ties to Nazi Germany, and the football team doesn't want to be associated with the losing side.

Hurricane Ike laid waste to the Texas coast Friday. It was the third hurricane to hit America in two weeks. Barack Obama and John McCain expressed sympathy and Governor Sarah Palin vowed to take on the good old boy network at the Weather Channel.

The JP Morgan Chase Tower in Houston had thousands of windows broken Friday by the hurricane's force. It's one of the banks where the oil companies keep all their money. Meteorologists think God broke the windows in an effort to get his hands on it.

President Bush declared twenty-nine counties in Texas a federal disaster area Saturday. Over a million homes were without power all weekend. Some of the Texans have gone over five days without watching a football game and that's bad news for Iran.

Barack Obama canceled a Saturday Night Live appearance after Hurricane Ike hit Texas. He offered to use his entire fundraising network to raise money for victims. The next morning Hillary Clinton was on his front doorstep looking like a drowned rat.

Hurricane Ike delayed refinery production Saturday, causing a spike in gasoline prices. Governors warned against gouging. They urged people to send them pictures of gas stations with exorbitantly high gas prices, and the cell phone networks crashed.

President Bush helped raise a million dollars for John McCain in Oklahoma City Friday at a big fundraiser. The event was hosted by a beer distributor and attended by oil men. When people talk about cash being liquid in Oklahoma, they aren't kidding.

President Bush pointed to progress in the War on Terror in Thursday's memorial services. We've killed al-Qaeda's number-two guy twenty times. There is no death row in the Middle East, they just name you al-Qaeda's number-three guy and wait.

Barack Obama admitted in New Hampshire Saturday that his supporters have grown nervous during his recent slide in the polls. Some of the attacks are ridiculous. The fact that he is half black and half white is not another example of flip-flopping.

Sarah Palin's interview on ABC News doubled the network's ratings Thursday and the extended interview on ABC Nightline beat Jay Leno and David Letterman. She'll be sorry. It's one thing to beat Brian Williams and Katie Couric, but when you start taking audiences away from comedians, you are going to miss the good old days of pig jokes.

John McCain taped Rachael Ray's show Friday, where he cooked spareribs and gave out his secret barbecue sauce recipe. She was surprised to hear the Republican say he buys all his ribs at Costco. So was the butcher in Scottsdale who sold him the ribs.

Sarah Palin told ABC News that Barack Obama may have blown the election by refusing to name Hillary as his running mate. Angry Democrats are asking themselves one question. If John McCain is computer illiterate, how did he end up running with Yahoo?

Saudi Arabia's chief judge issued a death sentence for owners of satellite TV networks Friday because their immoral content poisons the population. Don't laugh. Suppose he's right and Mexico's irrigation water has been getting a bum rap all year?


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 9-15-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Scotland Yard warned Thursday that an e-mail claiming to contain a Barack Obama sex video is actually a computer virus. There's a sex video in it, but it's not Barack Obama. And it's not really sex, the guy is just trying to help the pig over the fence.

Barack Obama dined with Bill Clinton Thursday in his Harlem office. The former president looked very happy as they posed for cameras afterwards. It may be years before Barack Obama discovers it was Bill Clinton who sold John McCain on Sarah Palin.

Sarah Palin survived an interview with ABC's Charlie Gibson Friday. She seemed stumped when asked about the Bush Doctrine. It states that just because the weapons of mass destruction were never found it doesn't mean that they couldn't have killed us.

Saudi Arabia's top judge ordered the deaths of owners of TV networks that air lewd shows. He said satellite TV is corrupting the faithful. Richard the Lionheart and President Bush spent their lives trying to defeat Islam, and all it took was Baywatch.

Frank Langella began Broadway rehearsals for A Man for All Seasons, in which he plays Sir Thomas More. The actor welcomed the role of a saint. He's played Dracula and he just played Richard Nixon and he felt like he was getting into a creative rut.

The Interior Department was busted for rampant drug use in its Denver Minerals Office last week. We should declare war on education. If it's nearly as successful as the war on drugs, every kid in America will be hooked on phonics by the spring semester.

Hurricane Ike slammed into the coast of Texas Friday. The weather service told everybody that they would die if they remained in Galveston, and twenty thousand people decided to stay. Texans will take any opportunity to wear their coonskin caps.

Geraldo Rivera was on the beach as Hurricane Ike hit Friday. It can be suicide for a reporter to stand in front of a camera during a hurricane. They all remember Hurricane Carla and what happened to Dan Rather, however that took thirty-eight years.

Galveston cops told residents who stayed Friday to write their Social Security numbers on their arms so they could identify them. That's okay for Texas. If they did this in L.A., the looters would steal the arms to get their credit card information.

Hurricane Ike landed in Texas Friday two weeks after Hurricane Hannah's strike on the Eastern Seaboard and Hurricane Gustav in Louisiana. It just never ends. The director of FEMA has been busier than the Lamaze instructor at a Palin family reunion.

NBC announced Friday it has sold eighty-five percent of its ad time for the Super Bowl in February. They got three million dollars per thirty-second commercial. The network will allow no issue ads, unless the issue is whether or not breasts sell beer.

The Las Vegas jail doctor was busted with a crack pipe in his hand Thursday as he was approaching O.J. Simpson on the steps of the county courthouse. Imagine O.J.'s ire. Even though he retired twenty-eight years ago, he still hates to miss a hand-off.

Texas Armoring of San Antonio said Friday they can't keep up with the demand by NFL players who want to armor plate their SUVs and fit them with bulletproof glass, rear smoke-screens and tacks. It's the league's fault. When players were forced to take their touchdown celebrations out of the end zones, they fell in with the wrong crowd.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 9-14-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Sarah Palin flew home to Alaska Wednesday before she flies back to rejoin John McCain this week. It's a lot of time in the air. Everyone's searching the web for any video of Barack Obama saying John McCain will be an agent of change when pigs fly.

ABC News anchor Charlie Gibson asked Sarah Palin Thursday if she's qualified to be vice president. For goodness sake, the job only has two responsibilities. All you have to do is break ties in the Senate and run a covert military operation in three countries.

Sarah Palin told ABC News on Friday she didn't blink when John McCain asked her to run with him three weeks ago. Talk about decisive. She accepted instantly, she didn't blink, she didn't hesitate, she didn't ask any of her kids if they were pregnant.

Forbes Magazine said the Dallas Cowboys are worth a billion and a half dollars to Jerry Jones. He bought the team twenty years ago for two hundred million. Jerry Jones can only wonder how rich he would be today if he'd stayed in the oil and gas business.

Lehman Brothers put itself up for sale Friday when its stock crashed. They say if they don't get a bailout it could cause a meltdown in the financial markets. The Treasury Department hears this so often they think it's a Nigerian scam e-mail.

Hurricane Ike headed for the Texas coastline Thursday as Galveston awaited the brunt. The city just built a seventeen-foot-high seawall. They had to do something to keep our construction workers from going home until the housing market can rebound.

President Bush dedicated the 9/11 attack memorial at the Pentagon on Thursday. It includes a lighted park with benches and a reflecting pool honoring the victims. Even O.J. Simpson wonders why Saudi Arabia is still walking around a free man.

O.J. Simpson jurors were ordered Thursday to stay away from the cable news reporters ringing the courthouse. Their presence was nostalgic. It harkens back to a more innocent era when cable news gave equal time to people who haven't abducted children.

The Philadelphia News ran an editorial Thursday predicting race riots with angry black people in the streets if Barack Obama is defeated. It may not be that bad. Since Barack Obama's half-black, the rioting will be limited to one side of the street.

Barack Obama was asked Friday if he wished Hillary Clinton was his running mate in the wake of the Sarah Palin mania. He should have passed up Hillary for another woman. Bill Clinton did that all the time and enjoyed eight years in the White House.

The Interior Department had a sex-in-the-workplace scandal Wednesday at the Denver office where billions in U.S. oil royalties are collected. It clearly refutes the tale that oil drilling's bad for wildlife. Sarah Palin has killed more Caribou than Exxon Mobil.

White House spokeswoman Dana Perino said Wednesday the U.S. hasn't caught Osama bin Laden yet because the president doesn't have Hollywood-style superpowers. It only stands to reason. Superman would never pick Lex Luthor to be his vice president.

Joe Biden said Thursday Hillary Clinton would have been a better pick for vice president. He's right. Hillary would vote and break the Senate tie, while Joe Biden would bewail the loss of the tie factory to China, the impoverished plight of the tie seamstress, and the destruction of silkworm habitat during the Bush administration.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 9-12-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

The White House announced that the Treasury Department seized Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac on Sunday. Confusion reigned initially. When it was first reported that the government had seized Fannie, Democrats thought they could impeach George Bush at last.

The Interior Department was faced with a sex scandal at its Denver office this week. The staff has been accused of having sex with oil company executives. It's merely part of a reciprocal agreement the oil companies have with the American people.

New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady suffered a knee injury Sunday, ending his season. Fans were sickened by the sight of him limping helplessly off the field. Tom Brady can be grateful for two things--he's got his family and he's not a racehorse.

The Discovery Channel ran a documentary about the efforts by animal lovers to rehabilitate Michael Vick's pit bulls. They had been trained to maul and kill their opponents. The one they put the lipstick on is now running for vice president.

Sarah Palin led a nationwide poll Monday asking which candidate Americans feel best understands their problems. It's the hunting angle. During the last year of any Bush administration, we're all killing and skinning wildlife to eat and stay warm.

Barack Obama cracked a joke about putting lipstick on a pig Tuesday, sparking charges by the McCain campaign that he'd slandered Sarah Palin. They accused Barack Obama of sexist attacks and not loving America. Hillary Clinton won the last five primaries with this strategy and now she's lost the role to a younger, prettier actress.

Barack Obama told a lipstick-on-a-pig joke and the crowd cheered thinking he'd called Sarah Palin a pig. It showed that his crowd is hungry for attacks on her. It proved the oldest saying in show business: Christians without lions is no show at all.

New York Governor Dave Paterson accused Republicans of using the term community organizer as a code word for black person. It's true. This week Fox News reported that the Denver Broncos beat the Oakland Community Organizers on Monday Night Football.

Swiss scientists fired up a nine billion dollar particle accelerator Wednesday to simulate the creation of the universe. It's politically controversial. Barack Obama said family members are off-limits in this campaign and that includes his father.

The Vatican blasted Simon and Schuster Wednesday over its new humor book, which lists the top one hundred wild and crazy places for couples to have sex and one of them is a confession booth. The Catholic Church is outraged. That was their secret.

Journal Science reported Tuesday that Americans of British and Northern European descent have a fat gene. It requires four hours a day activity to counteract. Now President Bush can say we're not nation-building in the Middle East, we're exercising.

The Hummer dealership in Las Vegas announced Monday it's closing its doors due to plummeting sales of the SUV. The Vegas dealership is way oversupplied. Every six weeks Charles Barkley arrives in a Hummer and goes home aboard Southwest Airlines.

The O.J. Simpson robbery and kidnapping trial got started this week in Las Vegas with jury selection. Everyone's watching. The last time O.J. Simpson got away with anything the Republicans won control of both houses of Congress for the first time in forty years.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 9-11-08

HOLLYWOOD--God bless America, and how's everybody?

The New England Patriots suffered a huge loss Sunday when Tom Brady's knee was injured. The injury must be pretty bad. The Treasury Department announced the next day that the U.S. government is going to step in and take over the New England Patriots.

President Bush ordered some troops out of Iraq Tuesday in the wake of Iraq's seventy billion dollar budget surplus. We'll catch up. The U.S. government just took over five trillion dollars in mortgages and one of those houses must have oil under it.

Charles Barkley had his colonoscopy televised Friday to encourage black men in their forties to get the exam. Everyone's scared of them. They did one on Barack Obama and doctors found an anti-American preacher, a Chicago radical and a brother in a hut.

Reverend Jeremiah Wright was exposed Monday in an affair with a married Dallas woman. That's how he met his current wife, too. Thank God David Duchovny went to rehab for sex addiction, at the rate he was going he was headed straight for divinity school.

The Gallup Poll on Tuesday showed a startling shift in support for John McCain since the convention. the breakdown is interesting. Thanks to Sarah Palin, John McCain is so popular with white women voters he's just been asked to join a boy band.

O.J. Simpson's trial in Las Vegas began with jury selection Monday. The judge ordered jurors to stay off gambling websites that take bets on the jury's verdict. O.J. always covers the spread, it might be with blood, but O.J. always covers the spread.

Sarah Palin got Dick Cheney's endorsement for vice president on Monday. She is a real hunter. Dick Cheney once ordered his dog to find a safe place to sit at the firing range and that dog is alive today because he sat down in front of the bulls-eye.

Sarah Palin was accused on the cable networks Monday of speaking in tongues at her former Pentecostal church. It goes with the territory. Parts of Alaska are so remote and so far out in the wilderness that even the Episcopalians work with snakes.

John McCain and Sarah Palin campaigned together in Missouri, Albuquerque and Ohio this past week where at every stop she told the crowd how heroic, brave and strong he is. He's married to a rodeo queen and he's running with Miss Wasilla. All the guys at the USC Film School just changed their majors to political science.

Joe Lieberman skipped the Democratic caucus luncheon in Washington Tuesday. He knows they are mad at him for endorsing McCain. He felt a little unwelcome at last week's breakfast when everybody got pancakes and they served him Eggs Benedict Arnold.

Barack Obama promised Ohio voters Tuesday that he'll double charter school funding. He also promised to pay teachers for their performance and replace teachers who are no good. Students want to know what he is going to do about teachers who snore in bed.

Bill and Hillary Clinton got a standing ovation when they were recognized from the Broadway stage Sunday at the musical Hair. What a treat for the crowd. And what a coincidence that they would have bought tickets to the same show on the same night.

North Korean leader Kim Jong Il missed his nation's birthday parade Tuesday. He hasn't been seen in public, on TV or in the newspapers for a month. The first thing he did after agreeing to dismantle his nuclear arsenal was to sign with William Morris.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 9-10-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

President Bush went biking with Washington Redskins coach Jim Zorn Sunday. They hit it off. The great thing about having the most powerful job in Washington is you can meet anybody you want, and for some reason Jim Zorn wanted to meet the president.

The Treasury Department seized Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac Sunday and put them in government conservatorship. It didn't poll well. Most Americans feel that Sarah Palin should be allowed to run for vice president without having her kids taken away.

Toyota began advertising new cars that run on alternative fuels on Sunday. One experimental car was driven across the country last year powered only by French fry oil. The only drawback is they had to stop every thousand miles to change the ketchup.

Sarah Palin agreed to be interviewed by Charlie Gibson on ABC News this week. The campaign hasn't allowed her to do any interviews or make any unscripted appearances until now. If Tom Brady had been protected like this, he would still be a quarterback.

The New York Times on Monday put to rest rumors that Sarah Palin's baby is really her grandchild. Her family is under relentless investigation. The only way to keep Sarah Palin's baby out of the news is to leak that John Edwards is the father.

John McCain and his wife Cindy will appear on The View Friday. Don't dismiss celebrity culture. John McCain's surged ten points in the polls ever since he adopted Paris Hilton's offshore drilling plan and named Britney Spears's mom to be his running mate.

Cindy McCain was reported on Monday to have worn four hundred thousand dollars in jewelry at the GOP convention. She wore Oscar de la Renta dresses. It proves there's no business in the world that's as recession-proof as selling beer in Arizona.

Oprah Winfrey's magazine suffered cancellations from GOP women and pro-lifers Monday when she wouldn't let Sarah Palin on her show. It frees Oprah to run different kinds of articles. Watch for a cover story soon on How Your Children Can Help Greta Van Susteren's Ratings.

President Bush canceled a nuclear deal with Moscow Monday over the invasion of Georgia. The Russians are remorseless. When President Bush phoned Vladimir Putin at the Kremlin, the on-hold music was Marching Through Georgia sung by the Red Army Chorus.

Hurricane Ike's approach toward Cuba last weekend prompted a few Cubans to try to sail to Miami amid the confusion. Some Cubans have figured out a perfect way to slip into South Florida. They hide inside bales of cocaine and wash ashore undetected.

The Department of Health released a survey Tuesday showing remarkable progress in the War on Drugs. Only eight percent of Americans used illegal drugs last year. It's just another example of young people rebelling against their Baby Boomer parents.

President Bush complained Monday that the national spirit of volunteerism has declined since the days following the World Trade Center attack. He misses the days when everyone put their lives on hold and did whatever he told them. It's times like this he wishes that Saddam Hussein was still alive so he could ask him for advice.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 9-9-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Eyewear designer Kazuo Kawasaki was besieged Saturday by retail orders for the eyeglasses worn by Sarah Palin. Already she's influencing American culture. If you think sales of eyeglasses are soaring you ought to see the numbers for home pregnancy kits.

Sarah Palin was a huge hit with crowds on the campaign trail Saturday when she toured Wisconsin and Colorado. In one town she stopped by the local Moose Lodge. To the lodge members she's Joan of Arc but to the moose on the wall, she's O.J. Simpson.

Sarah Palin was accused by Democrats Friday of abandoning her five kids to run for office. A large family is rare up there. It's so cold in Alaska that by the time couples get all their clothes off the sun's coming up and it's time to go to work.

Alaska sent out two-thousand-dollar dividend checks to every citizen Friday as their share of the state's oil revenue. There are active groups in the state that want to secede from the Union. Perhaps Barack Obama really is another Abraham Lincoln.

Barack Obama called for vocational training in public schools Friday. It works for Los Angeles kids. In shop class they teach boys how to do construction work and in metal work class they teach girls how to grip a steel pole and dance around it.

Barack Obama mocked the notion that John McCain and Sarah Palin were agents of change Saturday. It got Hollywood's attention. As soon as people hear that somebody has changed agents, they immediately want to know which agency is signing new clients.

Barack Obama said Sarah Palin pretends to be against earmarks when she lobbied for them and John McCain pretends to be against lobbyists when they run his campaign. That's politics. Barack Obama pretends to be black and Joe Biden pretends to have hair.

The New York Post published a poll of pet owners Sunday saying seventy percent of Americans share their beds and sleep with their animals. It's obvious why. The first thing people cancel during tough economic times is their home security service.

The Treasury Department took over Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac Sunday, putting taxpayers on the hook for billions in bad mortgages. We'll get out of it somehow. The British once burned down the White House only to discover it was insured by Lloyd's of London.

Las Vegas reported low attendance numbers this Labor Day weekend when expected crowds didn't show. Nevada has lost its monopoly on gaming. If people want to lose their money fifty dollars at a time the only handle they have to pull is on the gas pump.

Cincinnati Bengals star Chad Johnson legally changed his name to Ocho Cinquo on Friday. He loves to be different. The Bengals have had a lot of players pulled over by Ohio state troopers and jailed but none of them have been pulled over and deported.

Mexico suspended exports of beef and poultry to the U.S. Friday over sanitation violations. It's about time. They must clean up their act before Colonel Sanders's face turns green on the bucket and his competitor changes its name to El Pollo Yucko.

John McCain and Barack Obama will observe the seventh anniversary of the World Trade Center attacks together in a non-partisan ceremony in New York Thursday. They turned down a request by one group to spend the day performing community service. Republicans don't work for free and Democrats don't take jobs away from union janitors.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 9-8-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

The White House revealed that the nation's unemployment rate hit six percent Friday but insisted parts of the country are doing very well. That same day, every Alaskan got a check for two thousand dollars. It's not oil dividends, it's hush money.

Sarah Palin got huge approval ratings Friday as reporters dug mercilessly into her past. They learned she attended six colleges in six years. She graduated from the University of Idaho, but Don Imus pronounced it UCLA just to be on the safe side.

Sarah Palin was cheered by Wisconsin voters as a fellow hunter Friday. Hunting is wildly popular. The typical home in Alaska has the head of a moose mounted on the wall, while in Los Angeles the typical home has the head of a rude freeway driver.

Sarah Palin was denounced by Democrats in speeches and interviews Friday. They deny she's qualified to be president, deny her beliefs and deny she's governor of America's largest state. When the ice melts it won't be any bigger than Rhode Island.

Barack Obama told Scranton Friday that global warming was dangerously real and will increase mosquito-borne diseases. Some are deadly. West Nile virus causes apathy and inattentiveness, in other words it's virtually undetectable in Los Angeles.

Jesse Jackson was hospitalized Monday, two months after he threatened to cut off Barack Obama's testicles. Doctors diagnosed food poisoning. Vladimir Putin called Barack Obama and asked if he'd like to enroll in Russia's leadership training program.

Joe Biden told a Philadelphia audience Friday that Barack Obama will cut taxes for almost everybody. John Edwards recently said that he was ninety-nine percent faithful to his wife. This is why wealthy adulterers move to the Grand Cayman Islands.

John McCain's campaign got a cease-and-desist order Friday from Seventies band Heart. They don't want their song Barracuda being played to bring on Sarah Palin. John McCain got permission from Chrysler, he thought the song was about a Plymouth.

Maryland's legislature will debate a bill banning sex between state officials and employees who work for them. What a terrible idea. If you can't have sex with people you can fire, we are never going to attract our best people to government work.

The London Stock Exchange plunged on Friday the day after Wall Street suffered a three hundred fifty point drop in the Dow. It set a precedent. Until now it was a Bush family tradition that you don't take up skydiving until after you leave office.

President Bush called South Carolina's governor Friday to see if he needed any help with the arrival of Hurricane Hanna. Republicans always say the same thing about hurricanes. If you can avoid the water it's like hitting a golf ball on the moon.

Bob Woodward's new book ripped President Bush over his war leadership. We will never invade another country for oil. Once the Oklahoma energy barons sponsoring the conventions get us switched over to gas, we'll be invading Mexico for their food.

The Pentagon advised President Bush Friday not to pull any more troops out of Iraq and bring them home to the United States. The place is on the brink of a dangerous civil war between irreconcilable partisan factions. They are safer in Iraq.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 9-7-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Cindy McCain addressed the GOP convention Thursday wearing three-carat diamond earrings and a twenty-thousand-dollar outfit. Talk about uptown. You knew there'd be a backlash against Sarah Palin, but everybody thought it would come from the Democrats.

Sarah Palin was a huge hit at the GOP convention Wednesday. Now comes the real challenge. She has a five-month old baby, a grandchild on the way and a seventy-two-year old running mate. How many diapers a day can one woman be expected to change.

Barack Obama was tied up by Rudy Giuliani then beaten by Sarah Palin Wednesday, then the next day he was questioned by Bill O'Reilly on Fox News. This is all backwards. As Moses he's supposed to lead his people out of bondage, not back to the bondage parlor.

Hurricane Ike crossed the ocean at Category Three strength Thursday and veered toward South Florida. That's where the Democrats are. This explains why so many GOP convention delegates were shown on television Thursday wearing I Like Ike buttons.

John McCain accepted the Republican Party nomination for president on Thursday in St. Paul. He gave a moving and patriotic speech. He made everybody feel so proud to be an American that for three hours Henry Kissinger was speaking without an accent.

The Republican Party convention in St. Paul was attended Thursday by Jon Voight and Pat Boone. They were the only stars there, but they looked great. A taxidermist in Beverly Hills did them both for free before the convention just for the publicity.

Sarah Palin went onstage at the GOP convention Wednesday as people wondered what she'd say during the speech with the media frenzy surrounding her. Everybody was on the lookout for leaks. Nobody really believes she's breast-feeding that infant.

Sarah Palin introduced her husband to the GOP convention Wednesday as her high school love. He's a hard-hat member of the Steelworkers Union, a volunteer fireman, and he is part-Indian. Some family values ticket, she's married to the Village People.

Sarah Palin's dual Catholic and Protestant baptisms were unearthed Thursday as the media dug into her infancy. Reporters are crawling over Alaska's tundra with magnifying glasses looking for anything. If O.J. Simpson had been investigated this thoroughly his lawyers would be arguing today that lethal injection's too good for him.

Dick Cheney visited Georgia on Thursday where he rattled the saber at Vladimir Putin. He said what Russia did in Georgia is illegitimate. Vladimir Putin said they are high school sweethearts and they're going to get married right after the election.

Dick Cheney was in Georgia on Friday where he insisted the U.S. wants to invite Georgia to join NATO. That would mean any attack on Georgia would be treated just like an attack on America. Georgians will be sorry when they see the lines at their airports.

Bob Woodward releases another book on President Bush and his decision to go to war entitled The War Within next week. It's quite the psychodrama. For five years President Bush waged a bitter war with reality and after a tough fight, he finally won.

CBS News reporter Lara Logan said Thursday she had two American lovers in Iraq while she covered the war. She's marrying the one who got her pregnant. She could not cover the GOP convention without getting a standing ovation everywhere she walked.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 9-5-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Sarah Palin spoke at the GOP convention Wednesday amid partisan fever and tabloid frenzy over her family life. Every day it's a new revelation. It's hard to believe that after sixteen years Hillary Clinton's been replaced by a younger, sexier lightning rod.

Sarah Palin made the cover of People and Us magazines Wednesday, which terrified the Democrats. Barack Obama just realized Americans have elected their last four presidents for their entertainment value. He just enrolled Joe Biden in clown college.

Sarah Palin was cheered at the GOP convention Wednesday. Her husband, her five kids, her pregnant daughter and the teen father were all there. They were guarded by the Secret Service despite the family's well-known aversion to using any protection.

Sarah Palin's Assembly of God pastor became a campaign issue on Sunday. He was taped preaching that critics of President Bush will go directly to hell. It's so cold in Alaska that his congregation rose as one and praised the name of Michael Moore.

Florida Congressman Robert Wexler called Sarah Palin a Nazi sympathizer Monday as Madonna was comparing John McCain to Hitler. Republicans are livid. There's no greater insult to the traditional values crowd than to compare them to a Broadway musical.

The GOP convention in St. Paul Tuesday focused on John McCain's life and his lifetime of service to the nation. His Vietnam War experience left him unalterably opposed to torture. It's why he refuses to watch videotape of himself giving speeches.

New Orleans evacuated two hundred thousand people before Hurricane Gustav made landfall Monday. Forty thousand extremely well-armed homeowners remained in the city. Thanks to all the preparation, the price of methamphetamine held at ten dollars a rock.

President Bush brought a ton of federal money to Louisiana Wednesday for storm victims. He's a man on a mission. President Bush's goal is to become so popular by Election Day that Barack Obama is reminding audiences that his father was a bushman.

Dick Cheney showed up in Azerbaijan and Ukraine Thursday. He wanted the former Soviet republics to know the U.S. stands with them in their conflict with Russia. Dick Cheney only has four months left in office and he wants his last war to be a good one.

Abu Dhabi's royal family said Thursday their sovereign wealth fund is going to spend a billion dollars producing Hollywood movies. Don't ask what's in store for them. Let us just say it's fortunate they pray on their knees and not on their chairs.

Rap music mogul Sean Combs said Tuesday that jet fuel is so expensive he's had to ground his private jet and fly commercial. More and more celebrities are having to fly commercial. Mackenzie Phillips could give him some good tips on what not to pack.

America's Research Group said Monday that traditional back-to-school clothing sales were a bust for retailers last week. The back-to-school sales are bound to pick up after the GOP convention. All the girls are going to need maternity clothes.

The New York Post and the New York Daily News were camped out in Alaska Monday gathering every bit of gossip about Sarah Palin they can find. There's so much to cover. Right now Alex Rodriguez could date an underage stripper, bulk up on steroids and assassinate his bookie and no one in New York would hear about it for eight years.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 9-4-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Hurricane Gustav weakened as it made landfall Monday, saving New Orleans. Thank goodness the levees held. The water broke through in some places, but that was just Sarah Palin and her daughters obeying God's command to be fruitful and multiply.

Charles Barkley announced Tuesday he will have a routine colonoscopy next week and have the procedure televised. They'll use a tiny camera mounted on the front tip of the probe as it travels up his intestine. He's being vetted for vice president.

Sarah Palin addressed the GOP convention Wednesday. She's pro-life and pro-gun and has a very original way to protect America's borders. Until now no one thought of defeating illegal immigration by boosting the Republican birth rate above Mexico's.

Sarah Palin was ripped by Democrats Tuesday for flying pregnant and for having a baby and still working. They also called her bloodthirsty for being a hunter. After Bill Clinton addressed the governors' convention he told her he's game, so she shot him.

Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol was revealed Monday to be pregnant by her high school boyfriend. He brags on MySpace about being a redneck. It's the first time anyone's ever thought there's a fine line between Romeo and Juliet and the Jerry Springer Show.

President Bush issued a statement Tuesday saying Sarah Palin's family problems are a private matter. He must be so relieved. Who would have thought a year ago that his biggest failure as president would be his abstinence education program.

Sarah Palin reportedly attended Alaska's Independence Party convention fourteen years ago. They stand for secession from the United States. Her nomination is the most original way for Republicans to carry the South since Nixon opposed forced busing.

Lindsay Lohan wrote Tuesday that people are focusing too much on Sarah Palin's family and not enough on her views. Paris Hilton recently detailed the best energy plan by far. Who'd have ever thought our nation's best think tank is Beverly Hills AA.

President Bush addressed the GOP convention briefly via satellite Tuesday from the White House. The president was placed on a seven-second delay. They wanted to be able to pull the plug in case he said John McCain will continue his legacy.

President Bush was heartily applauded when he was introduced to the convention Monday. He said John McCain is an independent man who thinks for himself. In the Bush administration those are the two traits that create probable cause for a wiretap.

Barack Obama said Tuesday he's got more executive experience than Sarah Palin because his campaign staff is so large. He's relaxing in Chicago where he said he might take in a Cubs game at Wrigley Field. Sometimes he enjoys working smaller rooms.

Hurricane Gustav veered into central Louisiana, knocking out power but not much more Monday. Many are upset. Gustav wasn't as strong as Katrina and Gustav didn't have the impact of Katrina, but Gustav still makes twice as much in salary as Katrina.

New York's Mercantile Exchange saw oil prices drop to a five-month low Tuesday after the hurricane spared the gulf rigs. High oil prices are giving way to new concerns. Boone Pickens has been asked to scrap his energy independence plan for America and try to think of a way to make birth control pills taste like French fries.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 9-3-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Hurricane Gustav slammed into Louisiana Monday, forcing President Bush and Dick Cheney to cancel their appearances at the Republican convention. What a break for John McCain. When Pat Robertson told him he could help him, he didn't really believe it.

Hurricane Gustav monopolized the newscasts Monday and knocked the presidential race off the air. Voters do need more information. People in Los Angeles see the presidential contest as a choice between the half-black guy and the half-dead guy.

Hurricane Gustav hit New Orleans with a fourteen-foot storm surge Monday. Fixed cameras broadcast the drama live as the surge tried to break through but the levees held. The New Orleans Saints immediately lifted their ban on Jewish defensive linemen.

The GOP convention cut social events due to Hurricane Gustav on Monday, causing delegates to grumble. When the hurricane arrived it brought hard rains and winds of ninety miles an hour. It's what Republicans consider ideal British Open conditions.

The GOP convention proceeded cautiously Monday as delegates awaited news of the hurricane. The sense of shared concern was palpable. Every ten minutes Fox News would break into convention coverage to assure the nation that the oil rigs were okay.

President Bush flew to Texas Monday to supervise evacuation and relief efforts for Louisiana. He was calm and reassuring and clearly in command. He's been this way since Billy Graham met with him two weeks ago and got him to start drinking again.

President Bush praised the federal response to Hurricane Gustav Monday as the storm abated. He said inter-agency cooperation for Gustav was much better than it was for Katrina. It's just more evidence of sexism within the Republican party.

John McCain and Sarah Palin flew to Mississippi's emergency disaster response center Sunday. The Alaska governor is already paying dividends for the ticket. She saved the campaign forty dollars when she went outside and killed something for lunch.

John McCain's running mate Sarah Palin said Monday that her seventeen-year-old daughter is pregnant and plans to marry the father. It's no surprise. The Palin clan is anti-abortion and pro-gun, which means that shotgun weddings are all they know.

Sarah Palin asked for privacy after her daughter's pregnancy was revealed. Not at this level. Until her boyfriend in Alaska was named as the father, the National Enquirer was looking everywhere for a picture of John Edwards wearing a sealskin coat.

Pastor Jeremiah Wright told a congregation Sunday Barack Obama may be the first president to have a black woman sleeping at the White House legally. Comedians were thrilled to see the loudmouth back in the news, for the candidate's sake. We've used up all the savior jokes on Obama and it's not nice to make fun of somebody's ears.

Laura Bush gave a welcoming speech to the GOP convention Monday and was joined onstage by Cindy McCain. The librarian passed the torch to the beer distributor. For Republicans the transition will be as easy as going from high school to college.

Chicago school students skipped the first day of class to protest overcrowded classrooms and outdated textbooks. It won't be a problem for long. If they hang onto those Social Studies books, the Soviet Union will be back and they'll be right again.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 9-2-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

The Republican convention in St. Paul denied Trojan condoms an inflatable advertising display like the one in the lobby of the Democratic convention. Republicans are wary about safe sex. They trusted the rhythm method with Iraq and we're still not out.

Las Vegas hotels offered rooms at giveaway rates over Labor Day weekend to try to lure Los Angeles customers. The town will put you up for free. All you have to do is commit armed robbery and kidnapping in a hotel room to get your memorabilia back.

Hurricane Gustav prompted full-scale government mobilization Saturday. Lessons learned. As it approached, Mayor Nagin ordered New Orleans evacuated, President Bush switched over from SportsCenter, and FEMA headed off for the flooded farmland in Iowa.

John McCain suspended the GOP convention Sunday as Hurricane Gustav bore down on Louisiana. The Republicans aren't worried about losing Louisiana to Democrats, they're worried about losing it to the ocean. As close as these elections have been they can't afford to hand nine electoral votes to Neptune.

Hurricane Gustav was reported gathering strength Saturday as the storm entered the Gulf of Mexico at Category Four strength and Louisiana began evacuating. There's one bright side. All the cars driving north are getting four hundred miles per gallon.

New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin warned against public mischief if Hurricane Gustav hits town. It's futile. Before most pending disasters looters are warned they'll be shot on sight, but the Petroleum Club in Houston is known to have bulletproof windows.

Oklahoma declared a state of emergency Saturday to prepare for the arrival of hurricane refugees from Louisiana. It's federal law. Louisianans are required to take shelter in the state of Oklahoma under the Continuity of Terrifying Weather Act.

Hillary Clinton gave the Democrats' weekly radio address Saturday. She didn't seem upset that the Republicans have a woman on the ticket and the Democrats excluded her. Every ten years she gets humiliated in front of God and everybody and she's adjusted to it.

John McCain defied conventional wisdom Friday by picking Alaska governor Sarah Palin as his running mate. Everyone is getting to know her. As soon as the press reported that her favorite food was moose, Rocky and Bullwinkle endorsed Barack Obama.

Governor Sarah Palin's image as a frontier woman with a rifle in one arm and a nursing baby in the other arm formed quickly Friday as her record as governor of Alaska came out. Republicans were rapturous. Yesterday an evangelical in Ohio put a piece of white bread in the toaster and when it popped out, Sarah Palin's picture was on it.

Sarah Palin was cheered by freshly energized Republican crowds Saturday out on the trail. She is a beauty queen, a pro-lifer, a conservative, a creationist, and a hunter. Her nomination had evangelicals dancing, and now they face eternity in hell.

Focus on the Family founder James Dobson was overjoyed by Sarah Palin's choice as John McCain's running mate on Saturday. He referred to her selection as the miracle in Dayton. Any other day, a miracle in Dayton is when you bowl a four hundred.

Tiger Woods stars in a new PlayStation golf game released Friday. He was very annoyed because it shows him walking across water to find his golf ball and holing out his shot from the water. He is sick and tired of being confused with Barack Obama.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 9-1-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Senator John McCain shook up the presidential race Friday by choosing Alaska's Governor Sarah Palin to run with him on the Republican Party ticket. If nothing else, the senator stayed true to form. He dumped Mitt Romney for a trophy running mate.

Sarah Palin gave a crowd-pleasing speech after she was selected by John McCain Friday. Conservatives were thrilled and women were just ecstatic. President Bush called her and congratulated her on her Olympic gold medal in women's beach volleyball.

GOP convention delegates gathering in Minnesota Friday were overjoyed by Sarah Palin's selection. It fit the party's most pressing need this week. They had to have a candidate with no risk of being arrested in the Minneapolis airport men's room.

Sarah Palin was slammed by environmentalists for her record on wildlife issues Friday because the governor favors shooting wolves from the air. In Alaska they call that predator control. In the Democratic Party it's called keeping an eye on Bill.

Sarah Palin's choice Friday let the GOP match the Democratic ticket for exotic appeal. She's from Alaska and Barack Obama's from Hawaii. It's a chance for the Libertarian party to advertise Bob Barr as the candidate of the Lower Forty-Eight.

Governor Sarah Palin married Todd Palin twenty years ago in Alaska where there are ten men for every woman. The atmosphere is crazy up there. Women are warned not to look for husbands in Alaska, where the odds are good but the goods are odd.

Homeland Security director Mike Chertoff gave a televised warning on Hurricane Gustav on Friday. He had an interpreter for the deaf standing next to him. That's because no one in the White House listens when you tell them that a hurricane's coming.

Hurricane Gustav blew into the Caribbean at Category One level Friday, where it stopped over the Cayman Islands. It was a business stop. The hurricane sold short all its Farmers Insurance stock two weeks ago and had a very big cash deposit to make.

New York's Mercantile Exchange listed higher oil prices Friday after Hurricane Gustav's approach shut down drilling in the Gulf. Oil workers were shown leaving drilling platforms on helicopters. Dick Cheney plans to have them shot for desertion.

John Edwards raised his speaking fee to sixty-five thousand dollars on Friday. It's a seller's market. Any guy who can get his wife to help him cover up an affair and then get a married friend to claim the paternity of the love child is worth every penny.

Denver strip bars reported Friday that they suffered a big loss of business during the Democratic convention. Blame it on the party's emphasis on diversity. Anybody plunking down ten dollars for a lap dance was just as likely to get a polka number from a Laplander.

The GOP convention begins today in St. Paul with hotels and bars and limos and cabs doing huge business. They're making everyone work on Labor Day. The only holidays Republicans recognize are Christmas and Easter and Exxon-Mobil's wedding anniversary.

Barack Obama went on a bus tour of Pennsylvania, Ohio and Indiana Monday to court voters who looked clearly invigorated. A day after his Denver acceptance speech, the nation awakened with a brand new sense of purpose. College football season started.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio