Argus Hamilton's column for 8-31-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Boone Pickens went to the Democratic party convention last week to promote his energy plan. The Republican oilman was welcomed by the Democrats. It wouldn't be a Democratic party convention if there wasn't at least one unnatural act on the floor.

Captain Morgan announced for president in a new rum promotion Friday. He drank, womanized, ran slaves and paid no taxes. It's normal to pay tribute to the Founding Fathers when you announce for president, but it's awfully courageous to imitate them.

Barack Obama attempted a workman-like speech in Denver to play down his Messiah image. It was against type. Bookies posted even odds Barack Obama would ride into the stadium on an ass, but at the last second Jesse Jackson came down with back spasms.

Hillary Clinton was rumored in Denver Thursday to have been promised a Supreme Court seat for supporting Barack Obama. It's grim news. If true, the highest court in the land is sure to ratify the generally accepted belief that oral sex is adultery.

Barack Obama wowed the crowd at Denver's Mile High Stadium with his acceptance speech Thursday. Everybody was treated to a tremendous fireworks show in the sky afterwards. Bill and Hillary were in a plane overhead arguing over whose fault it was.

Barack Obama spoke to eighty thousand fans at Mile High Stadium on Thursday on a stage that looked like an ancient Roman temple. How very shrewd. If Barack Obama wants to carry the Catholic vote in Pennsylvania, he must convince them he's the pope.

Barack Obama's stage set at Mile High Stadium Thursday was designed by Britney Spears's stage set designer from Hollywood. That makes sense. She's been fighting off charges for years that she's not a celebrity, she's just a presidential candidate.

Planned Parenthood set up a booth in the Democratic convention lobby Wednesday night to give out free condoms. Trojan condoms also had a huge booth in the lobby. Who says Democrats don't know how to protect Americans from biological weapons?

Stevie Wonder entertained before Barack Obama's speech in Denver Thursday by playing a song on the harmonica. The Republican convention should counter by asking Colin Powell to recreate his U.N. Security Council presentation proving that Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction. We'll just see which party's got the blindest black guys.

Hurricane Gustav was reported heading for the Louisiana coast Friday. Authorities are having a hard time getting New Orleans residents to evacuate. During the last hurricane they found out the hard way that liquor stores are closed on Sundays in Oklahoma City.

Russia's Vladimir Putin said Thursday he suspects certain people in the United States provoked the crisis in Georgia to help a certain presidential candidate. He is absolutely right. A nuclear war would really put the wind at Ralph Nader's back.

The White House appealed a court ruling that staffers must testify to Congress when subpoenaed. Imagine the administration's shock. President Bush threw a fit when he was told there was no such thing in English Common Law as the Cone of Silence.

O.J. Simpson ripped reporters Thursday for revealing he was knocked to the ground by his daughter. He said it must be a slow news day. The first sign that you may be smoking too much pot is when the first black man in history gets nominated for president, a hurricane is reported heading for New Orleans, U.S. warships are headed for a Black Sea port seized by the Russians, and you think it's a slow news day.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 8-29-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Major League umpires began using instant replay on home runs Thursday. Testing was inconclusive. The umpires saw a replay of Hillary Clinton's convention speech three times and they couldn't tell if her endorsement of Barack Obama was fair or foul.

Barack Obama gave his acceptance speech Thursday on a stage resembling a Greek temple. It was for TV ratings. In Greek temples they sacrificed virgins or goats, and either way it would entice viewers to think Bill Clinton was part of the ceremony.

Hillary Clinton walked onstage at the convention Tuesday where she was greeted by a sea of Hillary for President signs. She then delivered a speech that brought down the house. Most women who want to make their husbands jealous just have an affair.

Barack Obama was nominated for president Wednesday by a roll call vote of the Democratic convention in Denver. It was a historic moment in American history. Half the party was thrilled that an African-American was nominated for president and the other half could only console each other that he was British on his mother's side.

Bill Clinton spoke at the Democratic convention Wednesday despite his anger at being told he'd only have ten minutes of speaking time. He couldn't stay mad forever. As a favor to comedians he ended his speech by releasing all his delegates to John Edwards.

Democrats had an ABC News producer arrested Tuesday for videotaping Democratic donors and senators at a Denver hotel. The party has nothing against free speech. Democrats are simply complying with the Continuity of Government Act in case they win.

The Democratic convention drew fourteen million viewers on the three broadcast networks combined Monday. The number is so low that the viewers divide easily into three categories. They are people who are passionate about the candidates, people who are passionate about the issues, and people who are still angry about the Civil War.

Joe Biden addressed the convention Wednesday, four days after Barack Obama named him his running mate. He hasn't polled well. Some commentators openly ridicule his hair plugs, proving once again that in politics it's not the crime, it's the cover-up.

Joe Biden gave a hard-hitting speech Wednesday as GOP bigwigs were seen tapping their feet in the arena. They may have been impatient. Or they may have been rehearsing their opening number at the GOP convention as the Minnesota Airport Men's Room Code Talkers.

Democratic convention delegates were reported Thursday to have been very drunk in Denver bars every night. It just takes one at that altitude. It was foolish to schedule a tribute to the hundredth anniversary of Mark Twain's I Have a Drink speech.

The GOP convention begins Monday in Minneapolis and pundits expect a business-like tone. The Democrats drew all the movie stars and supermodels. At the Republican convention the only thing besides Bo Derek that's drop-dead is their health care plan.

Cindy McCain flew to Georgia with the U.N.'s World Food Program Tuesday to bring aid and visit the wounded. It's a dangerous trip. Just associating with the United Nations may cost her husband every Republican vote south of the thirty-sixth parallel.

The Weather Channel said Wednesday Hurricane Gustav could make landfall in New Orleans. The governor ordered residents to have a plan. President Bush was at his ranch, where he ignored his wife for three days to get in practice for the hurricane.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 8-28-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Focus on the Family asked Americans to pray for thunderstorms and lightning in Denver tonight to ruin Barack Obama's speech. His campaign has controlled every detail of the convention but they can't control the weather. He's Jesus, he's not Thor.

Democratic convention delegates were welcomed at the Pepsi Center on Monday by a gigantic inflated Trojan condom hanging in the lobby. They're a sponsor. Denver was awarded the Democratic convention because Moses already got all the good plagues.

New York delegates were warned Monday to drink carefully if they were not used to drinking in Denver. Party officials also anticipated breathing problems at an altitude of five thousand feet. Democrats are used to committing adultery at sea level.

The Democratic convention was reported Monday to have brought hundreds of millions of dollars to Denver. It's the party that parties. Democrats always love to come to these conventions because they know they aren't going anywhere in November.

The Denver Sheraton offered Democrats green-friendly room-entry swipe cards made of wood, but they didn't work, so the hotel went back to plastic. The environmentalists had to face reality. If the convention banned all plastic, the California delegation would have been turned back at the airport.

Michelle Obama did not mention her career in her speech Monday but spoke about her parents, her home, her kids and her husband. People won't fall for it. The last guy we elected because of his family got us stuck in Iraq and tripled gasoline prices.

The Democratic National Committee struggled unsuccessfully Tuesday to edit Bill and Hillary's speeches. They wanted Hillary to speak about unity and they wanted Bill to speak about security and they wanted each of them to speak about twenty minutes. Why don't they just ask President Bush to say his ABCs backwards while they're at it?

Hillary Clinton gave a gracious speech at the Democratic convention on Tuesday in Denver, where her supporters were vocal. They know their fate. Women will have to wait four years, and that's just in line for the bathroom at the stadium this evening.

Barack Obama will speak in Denver tonight while delegates wave signs bearing his campaign slogan, Change You Can Believe In. His brother George lives in a hut in Kenya on less than a dollar a month. His campaign slogan is Change You Can Live On.

Al Gore will deliver the opening speech tonight in Denver and introduce Barack Obama. Just seven years ago Al was a failed presidential candidate, and today he is a billionaire. He's going to attack the failed economic policies of George W. Bush.

The Republican party announced its slate of speakers for next week's convention in Minneapolis on Tuesday. On the first night, President Bush will speak, Dick Cheney will speak, and Arnold Schwarzenegger will speak. That's two terminators and a governor of California.

Cindy McCain flew to Georgia Tuesday to support the beleaguered Black Sea nation just as the U.S. Navy approached Georgia's port city of Poti. John McCain isn't happy about the timing. What Navy man wants his wife to be at a port when the fleet comes in?

Condi Rice flew to Israel and Ireland Tuesday after assessing the situation in Iraq. She wanted to reassure Ireland and Israel because they're afraid we're going in alphabetical order. They're just lucky that cars don't run on blintzes or potatoes.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 8-27-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

The White House announced Monday that Dick Cheney will go to Ukraine next week despite Russian nuclear attack threats. It could help the Democrats. If the world ends during Barack Obama's speech Thursday, people will really think he's the Messiah.

The Democratic convention began Monday as a tornado hit the Denver suburbs. It was nuts to schedule an outdoor stadium speech in the Rockies three weeks before the equinox. The Democrats gave up nominating climate experts when Al Gore didn't win.

Democratic Party veterans took the podium Monday looking like ads for terrific facial work. No one looked over forty-five. They were so shot full of collagen you could smear their faces on the doorpost at Passover and your first-born would live.

The Republican Party in Texas ran a commercial Monday chiding Barack Obama for allowing his half-brother George to live in a shack in Kenya. Viewers empathized. Everyone in America has at least one relative they'd like to have in a shack in Kenya.

Michelle Obama spoke to the Democratic convention Monday. She works at a South side Chicago hospital where she specializes in diversity enforcement. She recruits shooting victims from the North side so that her emergency room is racially balanced.

Barack Obama's wife Michelle was introduced to the Denver convention Monday by her mother and brother. Obama gave his in-laws everything they wanted and he gave the Clintons everything they wanted. If his convention bounce is greater than five points in the polls, Poland's going to start handing out Russian textbooks to their schoolchildren.

Bill Clinton was peeved at the Obama campaign because they want him to discuss national security tonight. He wants to defend his economic record as president. Whichever speech they agree on, he will be escorted onstage by the June Taylor Dancers.

Madonna landed in Denver Monday and compared John McCain to Hitler. She's just fighting her feelings. Madonna turned fifty last Friday and she slowly started to agree with John McCain, and now she's trying to talk herself out of sleeping with him.

John McCain appeared onstage in front of thousands of people in Phoenix Monday to get Daddy Yankee's endorsement for president. Don't get excited. Daddy Yankee is a Latino reggae star, not the guy who's claiming paternity for John Edwards's baby.

John McCain beat Barack Obama handily in a Braun Research poll of hunters and fishermen. There's an estimated forty million Americans of voting age who hunt and fish. It is a pastime that keeps the Scotch-Irish in practice for our next enemy.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi gave T. Boone Pickens a surprise endorsement on Meet the Press Sunday for his wind and natural gas energy plan for America. Democrats may not know it, but Boone Pickens has the heart of a liberal. It's in a jar on his desk.

The Miss Sister Pageant, an online beauty pageant for nuns, was announced by an Italian priest Monday. It's due to pressure from the Vatican legal department. Priests have to go to extraordinary lengths these days to prove that they're straight.

Playboy named the Oklahoma Sooners its college football number-one pick in the September issue. It's a reminder. Our Founding Fathers insisted on a federalist system because they knew someday Oklahoma would censor the frontal nudity in Playboy and San Francisco would place fig leafs over the drilling rigs in Oil and Gas Journal.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 8-26-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Michael Phelps will fly to England Tuesday to promote the next Summer Olympics in London. He has challengers. Next week Michael Phelps and Barack Obama will race across the Sea of Galilee, with Michael Phelps in the water and Barack Obama on foot.

The IOC decided Saturday that China's women gymnasts are all at least sixteen years old and eligible for the Olympics. They look like pixies. They're at that awkward age for Asian girls when they are too young to vote but too old to marry Woody Allen.

Shaquille O'Neal was served with a restraining order from rap singer Maryjane Friday claiming he stalked her after she broke up with him. Imagine the fear. You don't want to be stalked by a guy who's tall enough to look into a second-story window.

Bill Clinton dined with Boone Pickens in Las Vegas last Monday during an energy summit there. These two could make history. Between Boone Pickens's windmills and Bill Clinton's wind we could end America's dependence on foreign oil once and for all.

Joe Biden was chosen the Democratic vice presidential running mate Saturday for his working-class roots. He appeals to people with high school educations and blue collar manufacturing jobs. The trouble is, the people in Sri Lanka can't vote.

Barack Obama introduced Joe Biden as his running mate at a Springfield rally on Saturday. They began the event with a prayer and the Pledge of Allegiance. It's the first sign that the campaign has decided to bring in a consultant from the real world.

Joe Biden repeatedly linked John McCain with President Bush in his Springfield speech Saturday. That may be a mistake. President Bush is increasingly popular now that he's for offshore drilling and he hasn't invaded the wrong country in five years.

Joe Biden was handed the Wednesday prime time speaking slot at the Democratic convention. Barack Obama is slated to speak Thursday but it may change. Research shows that what most often follows a Joe Biden speech on a Wednesday night is Friday.

The Democratic National Convention got underway at the Pepsi Center in Denver Monday where the television cameras caught a lot of the delegates wearing pink. It wasn't a political statement. Democrats don't separate the colors from the whites when they do laundry, they put them together and let them learn from their differences.

The White House proposed a deal to pull U.S. troops from Iraq Friday, which could rob Barack Obama of his top foreign policy issue. He's still very concerned about a withdrawal date. He's hoping to get the Clintons out of Denver by Wednesday midnight.

Hillary Clinton speaks at the Denver convention tonight and her supporters are still angry over losing to Obama. It could get emotional. There won't be a dry eye in the house when nineteen hundred women play Hit the Road Jack on their rape whistles.

Hillary Clinton supporter Philip Berg filed a lawsuit to prove Barack Obama isn't a native-born citizen. It sounds nutty but it would explain why he sneezes onstage so often. It may take Indonesians years to build up an immunity to Americans.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 8-25-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Michael Phelps got a one-million-dollar advance Friday from Simon and Schuster to write a book called Built to Succeed. It's a swimming instructional book. The Republican party has already adopted the manuscript as their hurricane relief program.

Denver police were urged by a city panel not to arrest anyone for marijuana use at the Democratic convention. Last night one delegate learned to roll his first one-paper joint. Do you know how much pot you can get into a copy of the Denver Post?

The Democratic convention is beset by a limousine shortage in Denver this week, leaving many delegates without a driver. The Democrats can only put a brave face on it. Their grandparents made it through the Great Depression, their parents made it through the Second World War and they will make it through this limousine shortage.

Denver decided to close down Interstate 45, which runs by the stadium where Barack Obama will give his acceptance speech Thursday. No one wants anything to happen to him. There's no confidence that the resurrection would happen in time for the election.

Hillary Clinton delegates declared Friday that she'll be a force at the Denver convention. The same day, federal officials scrapped the do-it-yourself deportation program. When Hillary Clinton didn't move to England they wrote it off as a good try.

Barack Obama first revealed his running mate choice by text-messaging the name to his supporters. John McCain absolutely refuses to announce his running mate by text message. He knows that when you send people telegrams they think somebody's died.

Barack Obama and John McCain agreed on a debate schedule Thursday. They kept one eye on the TV ratings. The presidential candidates will debate three times, their running mates will debate once, and Cindy McCain will play Michelle Obama in beach volleyball.

The National Enquirer ridiculed a New York Times story last fall hinting John McCain had an affair, saying it didn't meet their standards. They had the story but refused to run it. People buying food at the grocery store don't want to see John McCain naked.

Republicans cried foul Friday after Democrats ran an attack ad on Cindy McCain, because the candidates had agreed not to attack each other's wives. Why would they agree to that? Attacking other people's wives got Bill Clinton elected president twice.

China angrily denied Friday that their women gymnasts are under sixteen. They look like sixth-graders. The idea of an eighteen-year-old girl looking twelve has polygamist ranches in Texas enrolling all their newborn girls in gymnastics classes.

Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt was blasted by the IOC Friday for waving his arms and dancing after he won the gold. He had his reasons. If you don't have a good end-zone dance you're never going to get a job as a wide receiver in Dallas or Cincinnati.

The Mars Lander relayed soil sample data to the Livermore Laboratory Thursday, revealing the past presence of ice and water. Scientists have two questions. They want to know if there is life on Mars, and if there is, if John Edwards is the father.

President Bush agreed Friday to pull U.S. troops out of Iraqi cities by June and he agreed to withdraw all U.S. troops from Iraq in three years. He also kept cool in the Georgia crisis and he's stopped threatening Iran. President Bush could win the Nobel Peace Prize just for locking his vice president in the basement three months ago.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 8-24-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Women's beach volleyball proved the most popular sport at the Olympics Thursday with the U.S. winning the gold. The girls are tremendous athletes. How they can keep their balance with all those dollar bills stuck into their bikinis is anybody's guess.

Toyota showcased its hydrogen-powered car at the Sandia Science and Technology Park in Albuquerque Wednesday to show its safety. Hydrogen is highly flammable. They fired an armor-piercing bullet in the tank and when nothing exploded the car was deemed freeway safe for Los Angeles.

Phil Collins was ordered to pay forty-seven million dollars in alimony Monday. That's what Paul McCartney paid. Love-song writers are finally being held liable for the damage caused to the public by their products, the same as tobacco companies and gunmakers.

Marina del Rey was invaded Thursday by hundreds of sharks, which swarmed around the yachts there. They're right at home. The disco-lined cove is a famous hunting ground for wealthy divorced men pursuing flight attendants, as shown on Animal Planet.

South Florida was flooded after Tropical Storm Fay stalled Thursday, displacing alligators and snakes into every neighborhood. Help arrived fast from the nation's capital. Nothing attracts Washington D.C. lobbyists to Florida like shoe-hunting season.

John McCain's office received a letter on Thursday containing white powder and a death threat. The list of suspects is long. The number of Democrats who would like to see him dead is matched only by the number of Republicans who want to kill him.

John McCain couldn't answer Wednesday, when asked in an interview how many homes he owns, whether the number is four or seven, prompting Barack Obama to jump on him. The Democrats miss the point. Right now Americans don't want a president who can count to seven, we want a president who is meaner and crazier than Vladimir Putin.

Barack Obama had a sneezing fit onstage Thursday from a cold he said he caught from his children. He blamed his own children rather than the strangers he meets every day on the campaign trail. This is how Reagan's kids ended up not talking to him.

Caroline Kennedy was reported Friday to be Barack Obama's likely Ambassador to Britain. She did the vice presidential vetting job for Obama like Dick Cheney did for George W. Bush. That means she'll have the right to choose the countries we invade.

The Food and Drug Administration approved a new technique Thursday for killing salmonella bacteria on lettuce and spinach. They don't dare have this technology where it matters. If Mexico acquires radiation we won't be safe until we take their oil.

Condoleezza Rice made a surprise trip to Baghdad Thursday where she urged the Iraqi leaders to pick up the pace of reconciliation so the U.S. can get its troops out. She's very concerned. We must reach closure in Iraq so we can reach opening in Poland.

The White House denied Tuesday that President Bush was wrong about Russia and wrong on Vladimir Putin. It's a real public relations problem. Newsweek ran a cover story on President Bush called What He Got Right and it boiled down to the Sammy Sosa trade.

The U.S. Court of Appeals upheld a Tennessee high school's ban on the Confederate flag Thursday. Will Reconstruction ever end? These kids will never learn what it means to live in a border state if they don't recite two pledges of allegiance every morning.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 8-22-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Condi Rice warned Russia Wednesday that any attack on Poland would be regarded as an attack on the U.S. The Bush Doctrine is unshakable. Any attack on the United States of America is followed immediately by a counterattack on an innocent bystander.

Michael Phelps endorsed Frosted Flakes Thursday as part of his twelve-thousand-calorie daily diet. The U.N. is horrified. Michael Phelps only produces one-tenth of one percent of the world's gold but he consumes thirty percent of the world's corn.

The Beijing Olympics commanded huge ratings for NBC Wednesday despite the tape delay. The talk of the West Coast was the weightlifter from Vietnam who lifted over fifty-six kilograms. In Los Angeles that's considered about a three month's supply.

Ellen DeGeneres married girlfriend Portia de Rossi in California Saturday. What a triumph. This year after a long struggle, the California Supreme Court divided all the wife jokes from the Alan King estate equally between male and female comedians.

Searching for Bigfoot got fleeced by two guys who claimed Friday that they found the beast. They made fifty grand selling a frozen gorilla suit to gullible investors. It's nice to know some of the laid-off mortgage brokers have found work.

Major League Baseball umpires refused Tuesday to use instant replay cameras on home runs this fall. It's psychological. Sticking their heads inside that hooded viewer may remind the umpires of all the tests they failed at the eye doctor's office.

President Bush visited New Orleans Wednesday, where he told the crowd that hope is coming back. The state persuaded him to refinance their rebuilding loans for thirty more years. Another borrower makes a stupid decision that'll end in foreclosure.

Vanity Fair found Barack Obama's long lost brother George Hussein Onyango Obama in Africa. He's now living in a hut on the outskirts of Nairobi on a dollar a month. He bet everything he had that Hillary Clinton would get the Democratic nomination.

Barack Obama was urged by some Democrats Wednesday to pick Caroline Kennedy as his running mate. The argument is compelling. She accomplished as much for health care reform during her three years in the White House as Hillary Clinton did in eight.

Syria's president Bashar al-Assad flew to Moscow Wednesday to offer Russia naval and missile bases in Syria in return for a treaty. The Pentagon sees a bright side. With retail sales plummeting every month, it's nice to see so many new Targets going up.

Russia's invasion of Georgia was attributed Tuesday to hundred-dollar-a-barrel oil. The way to beat them is to outdrill them and then undersell them. We already beat the Russians to the moon, now we're going to race them to the center of the Earth.

Russia canceled all joint maneuvers with NATO monitoring Afghanistan's heroin traffic on Monday. It wasn't working anyway. Maybe the reason we don't hear much from the Third World anymore is because we have them sleeping two and three days at a time.

Homeland Security reminded Americans Monday they will need a passport to go to Mexico or Canada by land or sea next June. The border restriction plan may have to be postponed. Berlin just called and they want their Checkpoint Charlie equipment back.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 8-21-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Michael Phelps posed for Sports Illustrated Tuesday with his eight new Olympic medals around his neck. Each medal is solid silver plated with gold. The only other way to have that much pull on your neck is to deny having weapons of mass destruction.

The Civil War's last war widow, Maudie Hopkins, died Sunday in Arkansas. She was nineteen when she married an eighty-six-year-old Confederate veteran seventy-four years ago. When the Democratic Party nominated a black man to be president it took ten years off her life.

The Amethyst Initiative to lower the drinking age was endorsed by a hundred college presidents Monday in an effort to reduce binge drinking. There are better ways to curtail campus beer drinking. Coors is rationed in California because there's a water shortage.

President Bush toured New Orleans Wednesday and praised its hurricane recovery efforts, but urged more work. He was actually in town for some GOP fundraisers. He's trying to win a bet that he can get more money out of New Orleans than he put into it.

Oklahoma City was flooded after a night of thunderstorms and lightning strikes Monday. The noise was deafening and the light show dazzling. Oklahoma is the star of the Weather Channel for the same reason Germany is the star of the History Channel.

Barry Levinson began filming a documentary on the mix of politics and Hollywood called PoliWood. It's an exchange. Arnold Schwarzenegger tells politicians how to get elected and John Edwards tells film stars how to weasel out of paternity tests.

Valkyrie, starring Tom Cruise as the famous German Major Klaus von Stauffenberg, who tried to kill Adolf Hitler, got a Christmas release date Friday after a year of delay. The star had to repair his image as a wacky Scientologist. The studio was terrified the crowd would cheer for Hitler when he hangs Tom Cruise at the end.

Russian soldiers seized Georgia's Black Sea port Tuesday, stole five American Humvee jeeps left by the U.S. Army, and drove off in them. The Russians took the bait. Now we are perfectly positioned to bleed them to death one gallon at a time.

Barack Obama campaigns with his running mate Saturday in Springfield at the old Illinois capitol building where Abe Lincoln began. He likens himself to Abe Lincoln. That explains why Obama will e-mail George Clooney, but he won't let him onto the balcony.

John McCain will reveal his running mate a day after the Democratic convention. He wants a guy who can blunt Barack Obama's momentum. The last thing John McCain asked Rick Warren at Saddleback last week was if Jesus Christ was born in the United States.

John McCain flew to an oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico Tuesday and called for more offshore drilling. He can read the polls. At the rate gas is going down, in two months John McCain's campaign slogan will be Give Me a Chevy Tahoe or Give Me Death.

Hillary Clinton will deliver a speech to the Democratic convention Tuesday. No drinking will be allowed that night. To make sure that Hillary doesn't hijack the nomination, TSA screeners will be at the front door to confiscate everybody's liquids.

Premier Elections Solutions touch-screen voting machines are being thrown away by state officials, it was reported Tuesday. Paper ballots are best. Two years ago there was so much confusion with electronic voting that Cash Withdrawal was elected the governor of West Virginia.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 8-20-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Michael Phelps hinted Monday that he might compete in the London Olympic Games in four years. He just set seven world records and won eight gold medals. So you see, John Edwards isn't the only man who hasn't evolved, Michael Phelps is still a fish.

President Bush told Michael Phelps that he and his father were honored to pose for photos with the swimmer's mother in China. The dynasty isn't over. One of the Bush daughters may be able to run under her married name someday and no one will know.

The Georgia Bulldogs were voted number one in the AP annual pre-season college football poll Friday, despite eight arrests and six suspensions. The state is in an uproar but not over football player misconduct. They think the Russians are coming.

U.S. Olympic baseball team batters were hit six times by China's pitcher Monday until a U.S. player ran over the Chinese catcher at home plate. The American players are a lot tougher than Chinese players. You grow up that way when you have brothers at home.

Robert Downey Jr. incited protests by civil rights groups Monday after he played a comedy role in Tropic Thunder in blackface. The movie is a huge box-office hit. Six months from now Meryl Streep will win the Academy Award for playing Richard Pryor.

Brett Favre thrilled New York Jets fans with his play Saturday. There is a lot more interest in the Jets games now. The fans in the end-zone seats have stopped asking women to take their blouses off and started asking them to take their hats off.

George Clooney denied Tuesday that he ever advised Barack Obama on foreign policy. He said he's never text-messaged or e-mailed him and he offered a million dollars to anyone who can prove otherwise. Dick Cheney may have just funded his retirement cottage.

John McCain outperformed Barack Obama at the Saddleback Church forum in Orange County, California, Saturday. He can sense the nation's mood. Americans are sick and tired of inspiration and unity and soaring rhetoric, they want to invade somebody.

John McCain complained to NBC News after Andrea Mitchell aired rumors he broke the rules to win Saturday's debate. He angrily denied cheating, which is surprising. John McCain is at the age where people secretly applaud a guy for committing adultery.

Barack Obama raised almost eight million dollars in three fund-raisers Sunday in San Francisco. He flew up to San Francisco after his grilling in front of three thousand Orange County evangelicals. It proved that heaven and hell is different for everybody.

Mike Huckabee flew to Tel Aviv Monday, saying Israel is safer than America. Now that's faith. Mike Huckabee just signed a deal with Fox News which is so lucrative that Bill Maher might do commercials for his HBO show with a cross over his right shoulder.

Fox News reported rumors Monday that Hillary Clinton was getting a little work done on her face before the convention. It's quite unnecessary. If she wants to have surgery to help her get elected president, it's going to have to be a sex change.

Pakistan dictator Pervez Musharraf resigned Monday to flee the country. He was installed by the CIA just like Saddam Hussein was in Iraq. Pervez Musharraf wants to get the hell out of Dodge before his pension vests and one of the Bushes has him hanged.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 8-19-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

President Bush is clearing brush in Texas this week while his father is racing boats in Maine. They're so competitive. We had one President Bush who oversaw the fall of the Soviet Union and another President Bush who helped get it back on its feet.

President Bush urged Russia Saturday to withdraw its troops from Georgia. This could get ugly. President Bush ordered Pentagon satellites to monitor Georgia this week to make sure the Russians don't go too far and allow women into Augusta National.

Hershey's announced it will raise the price of all candy bars by eleven percent Friday and blamed sugar and cocoa costs. Americans will pay it gladly. Everything that's wholesome and good for you costs four dollars a pound and has salmonella in it.

Fort Worth homeowners were reported Sunday selling natural gas drilling rights to their backyards to Chesapeake Energy. The city sits on a huge gas field. The drilling is bitterly opposed by health officials who fear gas leaks and neighbors who smoke.

Canada's government allowed a film production company to launch a digital porn channel on Canada's cable network Friday. The producers had to agree to use fifty percent Canadian talent. For every actress in Los Angeles this puts a crimp in Plan B.

The Dow Jones soared Friday on the sudden strength of the U.S. dollar. It caused a plunge in commodity prices that ruined gold traders. When Michael Phelps won his seventh gold medal Friday he got a telegram from Ed McMahon welcoming him to the club.

The Beijing Olympics got around to Track and Field Saturday. It's fun. Nothing matches Track and Field for speed, strength, testosterone-fired competitiveness, drug testing results, tear-filled apologies and the request for a presidential pardon.

John McCain's mother denied a report Friday she once sued her son's first wife over heirlooms. There's more. John McCain's mom is fighting off other rumors long whispered among Republicans that she was more than just friends with John Wilkes Booth.

Rick Warren hosted Barack Obama and John McCain at Saddleback Church in Orange County. He took no questions from the audience. This is the crowd that would ask Barack Obama if he uses a different prayer rug on carpet than he does on hardwood.

National Enquirer editors said Friday they monitored the hotel room where John Edwards spent six hours with his mistress last month. They sent a team of reporters. No one wants to say who called in the story to the tabloid, but the next time you get a four-hundred-dollar haircut in Beverly Hills, you'd better leave an appropriate tip.

Bill Clinton told people in Africa last week that they must practice monogamy. He also advised a limited number of sex partners. If narcissism were labeled a disease by the AMA tomorrow, Bill Clinton's HMO would drop him for having a pre-existing condition.

Nancy Pelosi threatened Friday to strip Joe Lieberman of his Homeland Security chairmanship if he doesn't stop criticizing Barack Obama. She's in the House and he's in the Senate. The only power Nancy Pelosi has to strip Joe Lieberman is if she decides to moonlight as an airport screener and he comes through her checkpoint.

The Minneapolis Airport last week began training volunteers to assist visitors who arrive for the GOP Convention. The training is arduous. It takes a lot of time listening on the headphones to the sounds of foot-tapping on a concrete floor to be able to tell the difference between Restless Leg Syndrome and a senator's mating call.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 8-18-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

President Bush left on vacation Friday with the Russian army still terrorizing Georgia. He declared that the Cold War is over. It's okay with most people if the president goes back to drinking but for everyone's sake he's got to stop doing comedy.

Wall Street rallied on falling oil prices Friday as the U.S. dollar soared. Gold has fallen two hundred dollars an ounce in three weeks. Every time Michael Phelps asks his broker for today's price of gold it all seems like a lot of work for nothing.

The Olympic Games in Beijing commanded huge ratings for NBC Sports. There are no surprises. China led the world in gold Friday, if you don't count the money that flew out of international markets and into the United States in search of a safe haven.

Russia threatened nuclear attack on Poland Friday after Poland agreed to host a U.S. missile base. It's a misunderstanding. For years the U.S. has tried to convince Russia to get rid of their nuclear bombs but we didn't mean by dropping them on Poland.

Tiger Woods's golf coach Hank Haney will try to fix Charles Barkley's horribly ugly swing on a new Golf Channel series. A lot is at stake. If Hank Haney can fix Charles Barkley's swing he will replace Tony Blair as peace envoy for the Middle East.

The Democratic Party assigned next week's convention speaking slots Friday. It works out for everyone. Hillary Clinton will address the Democratic Convention in Denver Tuesday and John Edwards will address a Swinger's Convention in Reno on Friday.

Los Angeles schools begin a new year today under severe budget cuts. They cut classroom supplies for teachers but gave out free condoms to students. This should help everyone who can't afford to have an affair with a student on a teacher's salary.

Donald Trump bought Ed McMahon's foreclosed mansion in Beverly Hills and will allow him to live there. It rescues him from eviction by the marshals. When you see what poverty looks like in Los Angeles it's no wonder they are walking here from Argentina.

Operation Scheduled Departure began on Monday, giving illegal aliens a bus ride home. You can't make it up. With its usual flawless timing the Bush administration is offering to bus illegal aliens home to Mexico one month before the produce harvest.

Denver police Friday unveiled their facility for detaining protesters arrested at the Democratic convention. It's an industrial warehouse that has been outfitted with chain-link cells topped with razor wire. The idea is to make it look so much like Guantanamo that Barack Obama's relatives don't show up until after the election.

Barack Obama went bodysurfing at Honolulu's Sandy Beach Thursday after snorkeling earlier in the day. It's all about aquatic sports during this Olympic week. Not to be outdone, John McCain began ordering Scotch and water instead of drinking it straight up.

John McCain met with high-tech executives at an Aspen fundraiser on Thursday. He admits he's computer illiterate. Last week in farm country he picked up a handful of blackberries and had to ask one of his aides how you arrange them into a text message.

Alaska Senator Ted Stevens was revealed Thursday to have flipped a Florida condo for one hundred thirty thousand dollars in profit, with the help of an interest-free loan he didn't disclose. The rest of the Senate is furious at him. He got a sweetheart loan, he didn't report it, and he didn't share the lobbyist with the rest of the class.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 8-17-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

President Bush went to CIA headquarters in Virginia Thursday to get a briefing on the situation in Georgia from CIA officials. What they said was exactly what he suspected. They told him that Saddam Hussein ordered the invasion of Georgia.

Sterling Hayden was revealed Friday to have been a heroic U.S. spy during World War II. He played a psychotic U.S. general who started a nuclear war with Russia in Dr. Strangelove. The Weather Channel aired the movie all weekend as the five-day forecast.

General Motors confirmed Friday it's in talks to sell its Hummer brand to a Moscow billionaire who wants to make Hummers in Russia. It's a perfect fit. If the Russians have tanks that can travel a hundred miles an hour, they can be in Paris in four hours.

Russian bombers spared Georgia's three oil pipelines Thursday. It appears to be a preemptive war on a small country for access to its oil and for regime change. White House lawyers are still debating if this is a violation of patent law or copyright law.

Russia defied U.S. warnings and extended its grip on Georgia Wednesday. It looks like the Evil Empire is back. Just last night CIA microphones picked up Osama bin Laden sitting around a campfire and telling the young guys how important he used to be.

Mikhail Gorbachev went on the Larry King show Thursday and accused Georgia of starting the crisis. This will most likely end with Russian troops in Georgia permanently. One hundred years from now, they will be arguing over whether Georgia's flag is racist.

Russia's invasion of Georgia failed to become a campaign issue in the American presidential race. Both candidates gave careful, measured, intelligent statements. They were determined not to be topped by Paris Hilton like they were on energy policy.

Jerry Lewis was cited at the Las Vegas airport for carrying an unloaded gun in his carry-on luggage. He has a very good reason for carrying the handgun. That's what it takes nowadays to book a variety show in Hollywood when all you pay is union scale.

N.Y. Times film critic Elvis Mitchell explained twelve thousand dollars in cash hidden in a shoebox to U.S. Customs officials by saying he's afraid of banks. He's not alone. Mattress companies now advertise that this year's queen-size holds forty percent more cash than last year's.

The USC Trojans sidelined dozens of their players Wednesday because they were suffering from jock itch. The coach said the team's new too-tight elastic underpants cause the rash. It's such torture that Dick Cheney's coming to practice to see how it works.

Reverend Rick Warren hosted John McCain and Barack Obama in Orange County this weekend. The congregation didn't agree with any of them but they got along fine. Orange County is so relaxed and informal now that everyone belongs to the Jack Birch Society.

The White House said Thursday U.S. drivers drove twelve billion fewer miles last month. It's not the price of gasoline, it's the new hands-free cell phone law. Californians would rather stay at home than let anybody think they wear a hearing aid.

Hillary Clinton's name will be put in nomination at the Democratic convention under a deal she reached with Obama's campaign Thursday. He should be very careful. If Barack Obama's people think Hillary's people can't come into Denver and steal this thing, they need to remember that Colorado used to belong to the Cheyenne.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 8-15-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

U.S. Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps astounded reporters in Beijing Tuesday when he revealed that he eats twelve thousand calories of food every day. So what is the problem? You're either representing the United States of America or you're not.

China said Tuesday it distributed one hundred thousand condoms to the athletes in Beijing. It works out to two hundred condoms per athlete for the two-week stay. It's just another example that the breakage rate with Chinese products is pretty high.

Georgia played Russia in women's beach volleyball in the Olympics Thursday. It ran true to form. By the end of the match the Russian team had plowed through the volleyball net in a dune buggy and backed the Georgian team up against the Great Wall.

The White House issued a blunt statement Wednesday ordering Russia to withdraw its troops from Georgia. The Russian troops were actually greeted as liberators by some people. They saved the U.S. defense industry just as the Iraq War was about to end.

The Russian Army broke its truce Wednesday and rolled across Georgia despite White House warnings. Americans aren't concerned at all about the rising tensions. The nice thing about a nuclear war is that you don't get stuck in another endless quagmire.

Russian troops captured Josef Stalin's birthplace in Georgia Monday. Nostalgia for the Thirties is sweeping the world. Russian troops captured Stalin's hometown, China is staging Hitler's Olympics and the United States is reliving the Hoover years.

Russian president Dmitry Medvedev demanded Monday that Georgia's president step down. Russians can no longer poison their enemies one at a time. People in Europe carry the antidote with them everywhere they go like they do car keys and cell phones.

Barack Obama enjoyed a nice vacation in Hawaii this week. During his morning walks on the beach, the tide would go out, and during his afternoon walks on the beach, the tide would come back in. No wonder he draws fifty thousand people wherever he goes.

Governor Mark Warner was selected to give the Democratic convention's Tuesday keynote. That's one day after Hillary speaks and one day before Bill speaks. For the sake of the party, marriage counselors say they should always be kept a day apart.

John McCain's wife Cindy was injured on the campaign trail Wednesday when an overly enthusiastic supporter shook her hand and sprained her wrist. It could be very serious. The last time Cindy McCain took a painkiller she missed the Nineties.

President Bush was forced by world events Wednesday to postpone his vacation to his Texas ranch. It's the one time of the year he gets to sit on his couch in Texas and watch sports. And it's so much more comfortable than his couch in the Oval Office.

Democratic undecided convention delegate Sacha Millstone said she was bullied by the DNC Tuesday when she e-mailed her doubts about Obama to another delegate. She has one foot in the Clinton camp and one foot in the Obama camp. When John Edwards heard that there's a delegate with her legs apart he was on the next flight to Denver.

Monty Python's Spamalot will return to Las Vegas next week with a new starring cast. Audiences love this musical comedy set in medieval England. When the castle defenders pour oil on top of the attackers the crowd rushes the stage with Dixie cups.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 8-14-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

The Beijing Olympics drew world leaders to China last weekend. There was a lot of stress. When President Bush heard that Russia invaded Georgia he asked the women's volleyball team if they could play the next three games to eleven instead of fifteen.

Russian troops swept into Georgia Friday as the world ignored President Bush's demand for sanctions. It figures. After seven years of falsely warning the world about rogue nations with nuclear weapons, one finally shows up and nobody believes us.

Wall Street saw oil prices fall again Tuesday from shrinking demand. Americans have cut their gas usage by eight hundred thousand barrels per day. It's gotten to where child kidnappers are only abducting children who fit into their bicycle baskets.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi caved in Monday and agreed to allow a floor vote on offshore drilling. She's buying time. The only way the Democrats can stop offshore drilling now is if they can convince Americans that Michael Phelps is allergic to oil.

U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps continued winning gold medal after gold medal Tuesday. At the rate the price of gold is falling he's not having as good a week as he thought. Perhaps in four years the medals will be made out of Elvis's jumpsuits.

Spain's Olympic basketball team insulted their Chinese hosts Tuesday. They all pushed up the outer corners of their eyes during a team photograph. This is what happens when you tell athletes not to discuss politics, they fall back on ethnic humor.

Stanford released a twenty-year study Monday proving jogging leads to a longer life. It's feast or famine. Three-fourths of the runners in the study made it past eighty, however one-fourth could only run seventy-five and were caught by the coyotes.

The London Daily Mail reported Monday that George Clooney is a secret adviser to Barack Obama. It said he advises the candidate on presentation and policies and body language. It's the same working arrangement John McCain has with Hulk Hogan.

Focus on the Family asked its members in a video Tuesday to pray for storms of biblical proportions during Barack Obama's outdoor acceptance speech at Denver's Invesco Field in two weeks. The weather can get wild there in August. However, if Kobe Bryant wasn't struck down by lightning in Colorado, the Democrats should be fine.

John Edwards offered to take a DNA test to prove he did not father the infant born to the woman with whom he had an adulterous affair. What a lesson. John Edwards should have known better than to stray from his first love, cameras don't get pregnant.

John Edwards was reported Sunday to have paid mistress Rielle Hunter a hundred thousand dollars and given her a mansion. Nothing's changed. He's still the humble son of a mill worker with dreams of ending poverty, but now he's ending poverty one woman at a time.

Mark David Chapman was denied parole again in New York Tuesday. The board said the man who gunned down John Lennon is still a public safety threat. Just because Paul McCartney survived his marriage to Heather Mills doesn't mean he's bulletproof.

China admitted Monday that nine-year-old Lin Miaoke lip-synched their national anthem Friday to the recorded voice of another little Chinese girl. The adorable girl was told that she can't sing and the singer was told she wasn't cute enough. You spend one day in show business and suddenly sewing for Wal-Mart doesn't sound so inhumane.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 8-13-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

John Edwards said Friday he didn't commit adultery until he was sure his wife's cancer was in remission. It made headlines worldwide. One day history will record that World War III began when Russia invaded Georgia and nobody noticed for three days.

Brett Favre drew four thousand fans Sunday to his first New York Jets training camp practice. He obeyed the team rule and ran a penalty lap after he made one mistake. This must be how President Bush hurt his knee halfway through his first term.

President Bush issued a warning from the Rose Garden Monday telling the Russians to leave Georgia. The Georgians have three huge oil ports and a government that's friendly to the West. We must fight to defend that country or Ed Begley will have won.

Barack Obama released a statement from Hawaii Monday after he was chased down by reporters for reaction to the Russian Army's invasion of Georgia. Obama has been accused of acting like he's the president. Sure enough, when the crisis hit he was on vacation.

Barack Obama ran a new ad Monday describing John McCain as a celebrity. It had to be careful. You can't put John McCain in an ad with Paris or Britney without a disclaimer saying that you should ask your doctor if you're healthy enough to have sex.

Blender magazine's September issue published a list of John McCain and Barack Obama's favorite songs and singers. There are no surprises. It's only right that John McCain likes listening to country western, he's older than most western countries.

Paddy Harrington won the PGA in Detroit Sunday when weather forced the golfers to play thirty-six holes the last day. Detroit automakers loved it. Each golfer came crawling up the thirty-sixth fairway calling out for his Buick like it was water.

Cal Berkeley scientists invented a first-ever invisibility device for the Army Monday that bends light around objects. The technology makes things invisible to the naked eye. With a little refinement it could be the answer to our obesity epidemic.

The White House hinted at a new round of economic stimulus checks Sunday. Hold on. With adultery in the news and Paris Hilton giving energy policy in a bikini, this country is so stimulated that the U.N. just called on Americans to give up sugar.

Hillary Clinton backers said Monday they want an open convention, a roll-call vote, and a superdelegate recount. After that they say whoever wins, wins. The whole thing's a plot to try to get a photo of Michelle Obama carrying a machine gun for real.

The Democratic Convention planners decided Monday to allow vendors to sell any souvenir or food. Expect a painting of John Edwards, Jesse Jackson, Eliot Spitzer and Bill Clinton sitting at a card table. It's the latest depiction of Four Dogs Playing Poker.

John Edwards's mistress Rielle Hunter was revealed Friday to have been a disco party girl decades ago. That's why the Enquirer followed him. No one bought John Edwards's initial story that he slept with a cokehead because it's on his bucket list.

John Edwards said Friday he cheated on his wife while she was fighting illness to travel and campaign for him. Women were appalled nationwide. There's no telling how many marriages may have been saved by the realization that there's worse out there.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 8-12-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

President Bush spent the entire weekend in Beijing enjoying the Olympics. He's such a sports fan. When he heard that Russia had invaded Georgia, the only thing President Bush wanted to know was whether the Atlanta Braves were home or on the road.

China interrogated all reporters when they arrived at Beijing for the Olympics last week. The government didn't want to be lectured on its faults. Only two days before the games began, rumors were sweeping the capital of the existence of the sun.

The Beijing Olympics opened Friday with two thousand drums followed by Chinese dancers in lockstep. Then they sang China's anthem and raised their right arms. China is known for piracy and the German team left the stadium to phone their lawyers.

Bill Clinton resumed campaigning Friday after hosting events at his Little Rock library. How he keeps his chin up is inspiring. In one year he's been dethroned by Barack Obama as head of the Democrat Party and by John Edwards as King of the Cowboys.

John Edwards admitted to ABC News he had an affair with a blonde staffer while his wife was campaigning for him and battling cancer. He added he doesn't love the blonde. If John Edwards were in Beijing this week, he wouldn't be allowed on the menu.

ABC's Nightline on Friday aired John Edwards expressing his shame and sorrow for having an affair behind his wife's back and asking for the nation's forgiveness. Democrats are really upset. They had a candidate who could win but they didn't see it.

Bill Clinton was added to the list of speakers at the Democratic Convention on Friday. John Edwards will not speak. The die was cast when the Democratic National Committee approved a plank adopting the Clinton Doctrine that oral sex is not adultery.

John Edwards told ABC's Nightline he visited the mistress and her baby last month in Beverly Hills. He offered to take a paternity test to prove he's not the father. George Washington insisted on the same thing when the Macarena was the national craze.

John McCain spoke to veterans meeting in Las Vegas Saturday. He's an object of wonder. Last week Republicans couldn't believe he would compare his opponent to Britney Spears and Paris Hilton and Democrats couldn't believe he knows who they are.

The Wall Street Journal said Californians are snapping up low-powered electric cars from a Santa Rosa automaker to beat high gasoline prices. A lot of people would just as soon stay home. They're afraid if they leave, the bank will lock them out.

Barack Obama left on a vacation to Hawaii Friday without choosing a running mate or scheduling speakers at the convention. He can never really rest. Hillary Clinton's website announced that while Barack Obama's off the mainland, she's the acting nominee.

Hillary Clinton campaigned for Barack Obama in Nevada Saturday in Henderson, Nevada. She said nice things about Obama and urged the crowd to vote for him. After the speech Mrs. Clinton had to be rushed to Desert Sunrise Hospital to get her fingers uncrossed.

The Auto Club said Friday gas prices fell thirty cents a gallon last month. It is not enough. At his sentencing hearing Thursday, Osama bin Laden's driver asked the military tribunal for another six months in jail until he can afford to drive again.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 8-11-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Elvis Presley's peacock jumpsuit was sold Thursday for three hundred thousand dollars at auction. It sold to an undisclosed buyer in New York. When Bill Clinton makes his entrance at the Democratic National Convention you can see it for yourself.

Barack Obama took off on vacation in Hawaii for a week Friday just as the John Edwards scandal was breaking. Everyone was walking on eggshells. When he landed in Honolulu and a Hawaiian woman offered him a lei, he turned around and ran back into the plane.

John Edwards admitted Friday to having an adulterous affair on the campaign trail and he was immediately replaced as a speaker at the Democratic convention by Bill Clinton. The lesson is clear. You cannot act like that when everybody likes your wife.

Elizabeth Edwards agreed to speak at the Democratic convention Friday and John Edwards said he was promised a speech. Bill and Hillary will also speak. The Pledge of Allegiance that night could provide one of the funniest moments in television history.

John Edwards wrote a lengthy apology Friday for cheating on his wife with a campaign staffer. He beat himself up in paragraph after paragraph for being only ninety-nine percent honest. Just when you think no one could be more self-pitying and narcissistic than Brett Favre, John Edwards comes out of nowhere to bring home the gold.

Brett Favre was dealt to New York by Green Bay Wednesday. The Jets have an end zone seating section where the women are encouraged to go topless. If they don't want the Lambeau Leap to migrate to New York they should move the topless section up one level.

Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick was jailed Thursday over an affair he denied until his BlackBerry revealed he was having text-message sex with the woman. It's so unfair. In order to get a jury of his peers, he would have to have his trial on a Los Angeles freeway.

President Bush's father, George H.W. Bush, attended the Summer Olympics as honorary team captain. That's not all. He was also there to explain to China how to clean up their air by signing free trade agreements which move their factories to crummier countries.

Russian troops on Friday invaded the Georgian province of Ossetia, where Josef Stalin was raised. This is one tough neighborhood. Georgian kidnappers once sent Josef Stalin his son's fingertip and demanded a ransom, and Stalin said he wanted more proof.

John McCain denounced Russia for sending tanks and troops and air strikes into Georgia Friday. There must have been something in the water that day. Hours later John McCain also ventured recklessly into foreign territory, he learned how to e-mail.

The White House reacted swiftly to the Russian Army's invasion of Georgia this weekend. The Bush administration accused the Russians of pre-emptively invading a sovereign nation. The president doesn't like it when other comedians do his material.

The White House announced Friday that Dick Cheney will speak on the opening night of the GOP convention along with President Bush. These two guys really changed the world. Until they came along, all the programming on the History Channel was in German.

The Baghdad Zoo unveiled a pair of rare Bengal tiger cubs that were donated by a North Carolina animal conservator group Friday. It's a mystery. First we toppled Iraq's government and occupied their country, and now we're trying to kill their magicians.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 8-10-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

President Bush will go to an evangelical Christian church in Beijing on Sunday that's apocalyptic in its doctrine. The grass on the lawn is ten inches high. The church is so certain the end is near they haven't paid the landscapers in three months.

President Bush criticized China's human rights record Thursday, then China told him to stay out of their internal affairs. He showed a lot of courage by going to China now. He's a lame duck and they hang by their feet at every restaurant in Beijing.

Beijing hosted a spectacular Summer Olympics opening ceremony Friday. Everyone was worried about the air quality. When the U.S. team walked into the stadium during the Parade of Athletes, the canary they were carrying keeled over and died in its cage.

The White House press corps plane was detained at Beijing Airport Thursday for three hours by Chinese customs agents. The Chinese went through all their luggage and the entire airplane. Sure enough, they found three reporters in the tank for Obama.

President Bush will attend tonight's U.S.-China basketball contest. The athletes were warned not to say anything political. This isn't the time or place for the U.S. basketball team to pay off their gambling debts by endorsing Steve Wynn for president.

Bulgaria's government said Friday archaeologists found a nineteen-hundred-year old chariot. They described the chariot as very well-preserved. Oil prices fell two dollars per barrel on word that Bulgaria had come up with a vehicle that runs on oats.

Osama bin Laden's chauffeur Salim Hamdan was sentenced to five years in prison Thursday but will only have to serve five months. Everyone's okay with that. Anybody with the courage to drive with today's gasoline prices deserves a little respect.

Brett Favre ended up with New York Wednesday to the surprise of nobody at Soap Opera Digest. The emotional quarterback and the city belong together. New York is an exciting town where something is always happening, and most of it goes unsolved.

The Georgia Bulldogs were voted number one in college football Thursday despite eight recent arrests and six suspensions. The school took swift action. They took the team photo out of the school annual to make witness identification more difficult.

Paris Hilton urged offshore drilling and tax breaks for electric cars in a mock campaign ad which drew raves. You know where this is going. The last presidential debate will be hosted by Jeff Foxworthy and titled, Are You Smarter than Paris Hilton?

Bill Clinton got testy Thursday when asked about Barack Obama's qualifications and Brett Favre's trade to New York. Imagine his ire. Eight years ago he left orders for the Hubbell Telescope to be programmed to place him at the center of the universe.

Hillary Clinton was videotaped last week telling her supporters she may let them place her name in nomination at the Denver convention. The next day she announced the winner of her Have Dinner with Hillary contest for donors. The Barack Obama campaign bought sixty-seven hundred entries for Jack Kevorkian but he still didn't win.

House Democrats called Friday for jailing Karl Rove in the U.S. Capitol over his refusal to give testimony by claiming executive privilege. A Fox News commentator cannot be called before the United States Congress. Bullfights were never legal in this country.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 8-8-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Paris Hilton won praise Thursday for her mock campaign ad calling for offshore drilling and tax breaks for electric car makers. The candidates are just lucky she's not old enough to run. She combines the most electable qualities of both Clintons.

China will host the opening ceremony of the Summer Olympics tonight in Beijing National Stadium. The crowd will honor the spirit of peace and international goodwill. President Bush is so insulted he may break off diplomatic relations over it.

President Bush went to Thailand Thursday after a stop in South Korea before he landed in China. Every day at lunch he had to go get the sandwiches. All the rookies in the Police State League have to put up with good-natured hazing during summer camp.

Barack Obama began asking Americans Tuesday to save oil by keeping their tires properly inflated. It's mundane on paper. However, you know Barack Obama, it couldn't just be a simple suggestion, it had to be the big finish of his I Have a Flat speech.

Georgia was voted number one in the first college football poll Friday. No one is comfortable. If you coach college football in the South or Southwest and you get a lifetime contract, it means if you lose they can't fire you, they just kill you.

Brett Favre opted for a trade Thursday, describing his dealings with Green Bay as an emotional roller coaster. His erratic mood swings may have cost him endorsement deals. The only thing Brett Favre's agent can get him now is an endorsement for Midol.

Berlin police issued bullet-proof bras to female police officers on Friday. It is to protect them when they wear bullet-proof vests. If you can't find a copy of Soldier of Fortune magazine at your newsstand this month you'll know why it's sold out.

Hugh Hefner hosts a lingerie party at the Playboy Mansion Saturday but for the first time he's selling tickets to it. It's the economy. Everyone is so behind on their membership dues that he's got to come out of his casket to search for new blood.

Dubai's ruler bought twenty percent ownership of Cirque du Soleil Friday. The world's most erotic circus show is now owned by a Muslim fundamentalist. Last week in Dubai, a guy at the Hilton bar got thirty days just for ordering a Sex on the Beach.

John McCain said Wednesday he opposes the farm bill with subsidies for ethanol benefiting corn growers. It could cost him key farm states in the Midwest, and the presidency. John McCain says he'll stand by his principles, so it could go either way.

Ron Suskind's book The Way of the World says White House neo-cons ordered the CIA to forge a letter from Mideast sources to convince President Bush to overthrow Saddam Hussein. The letter was an obvious forgery. It didn't even match Jesus's handwriting.

House of Saddam is a mini-series which debuted on the BBC Tuesday and airs on HBO this fall starring Igal Naor as Saddam Hussein. He's Israeli. When they asked Saddam Hussein if he had any last requests, he forgot to ask for casting approval.

Iraq's government reported an eighty-billion-dollar budget surplus. Angry U.S. lawmakers suggested that Iraq sell oil to the U.S. at a heavily discounted price. The White House just ordered the CIA to forge a letter from Iraq deeding the oil to us.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 8-7-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

China was hit by a six-point-two earthquake in the middle of the country on Tuesday. It struck just three days before the games begin. We could have the first Olympic Games in history that hand out medals for standing still and breathing deeply.

President Bush arrived in China today to attend the opening ceremonies for the Summer Olympics. It could get very political. In his honor, America's synchronized swimming team will form a triangle in the deep end and perform an underwater oil well.

President Bush announced plans to go to church in Beijing on Sunday. He feels very sincerely about it. He's finished going to churches where they pray with their hands in the air, he is going to one where they pray with their hands in cuffs.

The Chicago Cubs hosted a game with the Houston Astros Monday that was delayed by lightning which struck the centerfield flag pole. Thank goodness the players were using wooden bats. If it had been a college game, they would all be dead.

The Green Bay Packers management met with Brett Favre Tuesday. They're in a furious standoff over whether he'll be traded, benched or made the starter. It's been so badly mishandled that people think Condi Rice is already the NFL Commissioner.

An American Airlines flight had to return to Los Angeles Tuesday when wisps of white smoke filled up the cabin. No one panicked at first. Everyone just assumed that for a fee of ten dollars the flight attendants were electing popes in first class.

The FBI defended its aggressive tactics to find the culprit behind the 2001 anthrax mailings. The attacks changed the way mail is handled. If anyone in Beverly Hills gets white powder in the mail we immediately inject it inside a wrinkle to see if it helps.

Barack Obama urged Americans Tuesday to keep their tires properly inflated to help save on oil. It's a lost skill. Los Angeles service stations will still check breasts for proper inflation but there's nobody there who knows how to check tires.

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg held a fundraiser to help retire Hillary Clinton's presidential campaign debts Monday. She's giving everyone who donates to her campaign a chance to have dinner with her. No word yet on what the winner gets.

John McCain was surrounded by ten thousand bikers Monday in South Dakota, where he volunteered his wife Cindy to enter their Miss Buffalo Chip pageant. It's a topless contest. It isn't the first time he has adopted the ways of his captors to escape with his life.

Dick Cheney's press secretary stated Tuesday the vice president's schedule may not let him attend the GOP convention in Minneapolis. What a shame. If they ran a video of his accomplishments as vice president it would be a big hit in Viking country.

Iraq's treasury was assessed Tuesday by U.S. auditors, who said Iraq has an annual budget surplus of twenty billion dollars. The president was right when he said Iraq's oil will pay for the war. He just didn't tell us the war would be between Iraq and Israel.

The Way of the World is a new book that says the White House ignored evidence that Saddam had no WMDs and ordered the CIA to forge an Iraqi letter to justify the war. It got no coverage. That day a blonde first-grader was ten minutes late coming home from school and the cable news networks blew out their entire schedule to cover the search.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 8-6-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

President Bush left for Alaska, South Korea and Thailand Monday before heading to China. He's taking his usual entourage of SUVs, cargo planes and helicopters. As soon as he released his itinerary, oil shot up two dollars a barrel on supply concerns.

China promised the most spectacular fireworks show ever in the Olympics opening ceremony in Beijing. This wasn't thought out. When the fireworks go off in the middle of all the sulfur in the air, what happens next should be visible from the Mars Lander.

The Georgia Bulldogs were voted the country's top college football team Monday in pre-season polls. They had eight arrests this year alone. If Michael Vick had abused bulldogs on his property instead of pit bulls, he could have pleaded self-defense.

Brett Favre flew to training camp in Green Bay from Mississippi Sunday aboard a chartered jet. It was cheaper. The airlines charge for extra suitcases now and Green Bay would have had to cut a linebacker to pay for Brett Favre's emotional baggage.

Mark Cuban made a billion-and-a-half-dollar bid to buy the Chicago Cubs in next month's auction. He's a financial genius. Mark Cuban got in early on the Internet boom, then eighteen months ago he bought stock in the company that makes For Sale signs.

San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsome threatened Monday to fine residents who fail to separate their garbage properly. He shouldn't try to order people around. If the people in San Francisco could follow orders they wouldn't have had to leave the Midwest.

Senator Ted Stevens was arraigned in federal court Thursday on charges relating to lobbyist kickbacks, after representing the interests and businesses of Alaska for fifty years. You can't send Ted Stevens to prison. It would corrupt the petty thieves.

Bill Clinton said Sunday he regretted some things he said in the campaign but denied making any racist statements. It never made sense that he would. Why would he mess up his chance to pick up college girls by saying something bad about Barack Obama?

John McCain addressed a biker rally in South Dakota Monday. It had women's mud-wrestling and beer-chugging contests. John McCain won the crowd over when he offered a two hundred million dollar prize to anyone who can make a car run on methamphetamines.

Barack Obama softened his opposition to offshore oil drilling Sunday, angering the far left. The environment was immediately impacted. Three birds were killed by the celebratory gunfire outside the Ralph Nader for President headquarters in Florida.

House Republicans stayed in Washington D.C. Monday despite the recess, where they took to the floor and demanded that Speaker Pelosi call Congress back in session to solve the energy crisis. They've got the public completely behind them on drilling off the coast. The only thing in Los Angeles selling faster than Manny Ramirez jerseys are harpoons.

Minneapolis hotels tripled their hotel rates for the GOP convention next month and they are demanding a minimum eight-day stay. GOP delegates may try to save costs by sharing hotel rooms. A month from now, picking up strangers in the Minneapolis airport men's room will no longer be the exclusive province of U.S. Senator Larry Craig.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie got paid fifteen million dollars by People magazine for their twin baby photos Monday. They got five million for their last baby. Ed McMahon is on the telephone now trying to talk his kids into taking their clothes off for a picture.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 8-5-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Brett Favre declined Green Bay's twenty million dollar offer to stay retired in Mississippi Friday. He'd rather mix it up in the trenches on Sundays. Every hundred and fifty years Americans have to learn again that Southerners would rather fight than farm.

Ludacris released a profane rap song endorsing Barack Obama Friday. Many don't understand rap. When most Americans heard that President Bush decided to bail out Freddie Mac, they wondered why the government was putting money into Death Row Records.

Albany College researchers found cell phones give off dangerous radiation last week. This is not discouraging their use. Last month when California outlawed talking on cellphones in the car, drivers began using them to microwave dinner on the way home.

Dodger Stadium sold an extra ten thousand tickets for Manny Ramirez's first game Friday. They all wanted to see Joe Torre manage five starting outfielders with hot tempers. His acquisition puts the team a leg up on their local competitor, the Los Angeles Zoo.

NBC's former executive James Walsh admitted Friday that he embezzled one million dollars. The judge ordered him to repay two hundred thousand dollars. Investors were so impressed with the logic that the judge was just named president of Citigroup.

Georgia residents of Lavonia pitched in Friday and purchased their local strip bar, Cafe Risque, and burned it down. They bought it just so they could burn it down. We've learned that's a lot better than occupying it and trying to teach it democracy.

President Bush used his Saturday radio address to stress the need for Congress to allow offshore drilling. He's got seventy percent of the country agreeing with him. The last time we gave him that much rope Saddam Hussein is still hanging from it.

John McCain's wife Cindy learned she has a Cuban embargo problem Friday due to the Budweiser takeover by InBev. She owns a Bud distributorship and the Belgian brewery sells in Cuba. Jack Kennedy smoked Cuban cigars in the Oval office despite the trade embargo, but he preferred to think of it as burning their crops to the ground.

Barack Obama proposed giving each American family a one thousand dollar check to help pay their higher monthly energy bills. He wants a windfall profits tax on oil companies to pay for the giveaway. If Barack Obama makes a campaign stop in Texas or Oklahoma this fall, it'll be because his plane had to make an emergency landing.

GOP candidate Ron Paul co-sponsored Congressman Barney Frank's bill to eliminate federal laws against marijuana possession. It could solve a lot of things. People drive so slowly when they're stoned, it could save America ten million barrels of oil a day.

The House of Representatives passed a bill Thursday naming tobacco a drug and placing it under FDA supervision. How very clever. They think if it's classified as a drug, Baby Boomers will start smoking again, and that could save Social Security.

Ohio police apprehended a man Thursday who walked into the men's room of a gas station, then came out of the men's room naked and mumbling. It caught the nation's attention. You never hear about the times that Senator Larry Craig gets away with it.

Utah's government switched to a four-day work week last month, cutting services on Friday. State workers say the three-day weekend makes them feel rejuvenated and recharged. Al Gore warned that the population growth in Utah could destroy the planet.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 8-4-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

The Los Angeles Dodgers stunned the baseball world by acquiring Boston Red Sox legend Manny Ramirez Friday. He's world famous for his tremendous talent and his crazy behavior. He'll blend into Los Angeles like it's the Witness Protection Program.

John McCain pulled even with Barack Obama in the Gallup Poll Friday. Democrats don't realize the nation's mania for more drilling. It's gotten to where Americans have begun watching old Flintstones episodes to try to figure out where Dino's buried.

China is set to host the Summer Olympics starting Friday. It's great fun. What other sporting event starts with a thrilling victory and the National Anthem, then ends three years later with a tearful apology and a request for a presidential pardon.

The U.S. Senior Open in Colorado was halted briefly Friday when a brown bear ran out of the woods and across the golf course. Where's the Sierra Club when you need it? Bears should not be allowed to encroach upon Republicans in their natural habitat.

French Riviera beachgoers said Friday fewer women than ever are sunbathing topless this year due to American influence. They're wrong about Americans. Anyone carrying more than three ounces of liquid in a plastic bag has to take everything off.

The Transportation Department said Americans reduced their driving by billions of miles last month. Driving is too expensive and flying is unbearable. Stagecoach travel is so imminent Warren Buffet just launched a hostile takeover of Preparation H.

A Qantas Airlines flight had to make an emergency landing in Manila Monday. The passengers were not happy. Before takeoff the flight attendants announced that in the unlikely event of a water landing there will be a two-dollar charge for the water.

Citigroup found itself facing possible charges of fraudulent marketing of securities Friday in New York. The shareholders in the bank are really suffering. Some of them can't even get their money out because the ATM's have a twenty-dollar minimum.

Speaker Nancy Pelosi turned off the lights in Congress Friday when Republicans tried to remain in session and demand offshore drilling. What a show of strength. It takes a lot of party discipline to keep debating once a woman turns out the lights.

Bosnian Serb captive Radovan Karadzic said Friday he can't get a fair war crimes trial at the Hague. He said he's the victim of an American media witch hunt. He's thinking of paying for his defense by selling raffle tickets to have dinner with him.

John McCain stood by his ad likening Barack Obama to Britney Spears and Paris Hilton. He's fighting a perception of crankiness. Change We Can Believe In is Barack Obama's campaign slogan while John McCain's slogan is You Kids Get Off My Lawn.

Barack Obama was heckled and booed by black people during a speech in Florida Friday. They demanded he address the concerns of the black community in America. He raised his hand and quieted the storm with a reading from the Book of Platitudes.

U.S. Congress candidate David Powell assured a crowd of Hasidic Jews in Brooklyn Friday that he will bring home the bacon. It wasn't his week. The night before, he told the Young Republicans Club he understands their issues because he's a bowler too.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 8-3-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

The Green Bay Packers offered Brett Favre twenty million dollars Thursday to retire to his farm down in Mississippi. That's odd. Mississippi leads the nation in obesity and in per capita consumption of beer, you shouldn't have to pay people to live there.

President Bush urged Congress to pass offshore drilling Thursday, with the vast majority of the nation behind him. We aren't about to change our lifestyles. The day before, Detroit introduced a six-hundred-horsepower Corvette which runs on ground-up Priuses.

White House loyalist Karl Rove was charged with contempt of Congress Wednesday for refusing to testify. It's about using politics to hire and fire U.S. attorneys. Republicans only play golf in twosomes because it requires three to prove a conspiracy.

Alabama Democrats were put under investigation by the state's attorney general for vote fraud Thursday. He says Democrats sold their votes for cash, for gravel and for crack. While it's true that life imitates art, more often it imitates Chicago.

Exxon Mobil reported the largest quarterly profit in business history Thursday with almost twelve billion in earnings. How much money have they made in the last year? If Exxon had any sense they'd give up on offshore drilling and go into offshore banking.

Barack Obama laughed off GOP ads calling him a mere celebrity Thursday. He can be a bit self-centered. Last week in Berlin he gave a speech in front of a column commemorating three wars of German aggression and he thought the cheering was for him.

Barack Obama accused John McCain Wednesday of sowing doubts about him because he doesn't look like all the other presidents pictured on U.S. currency. The Democrat knows his audience. If Barack Obama looked like a slaveowner he would be forty points ahead and John McCain would be playing the guitar in commercials with Bob Dole.

Barack Obama insinuated Thursday that Republicans are always reminding voters he's black. It was startling. When Depends first came out, doctors were horrified to discover how many people were incontinent, and now we find out that everybody's blind.

John McCain reacted angrily Thursday to Barack Obama's insinuation that he was stirring up prejudice. Anger is his reaction to everything. When John McCain was twelve years old he learned to shoot during accordion solos on the Lawrence Welk Show.

Hillary Clinton was removed from Barack Obama's list of possible running mates Thursday. She'll be back. She was last seen holding up a clump of dirt in front of her mansion in Chappaqua and vowing that she will never take the caucuses for granted again.

Washington Governor Christine Gregoire was turned away at a bar last week when she had no ID and the doorman thought she was too young. She's sixty-one. Someday a two-week vacation to Beverly Hills will be as common for women as a dental check-up.

President Bush spoke to the West Virginia Coal Association at famed Greenbrier Resort Thursday. It's home to three golf courses and an underground nuclear bunker. There is just no better place for a guy to hang out when his marriage is on the rocks.

The National Enquirer said Thursday that John Edwards has arranged hush money payments to his mistress and mother of his love child. It must be true. John Edwards sues people for a living, and if they were libeling him he would end up owning the National Enquirer and Bill Clinton would never have a moment's peace for the rest of his life.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 8-1-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Brett Favre infuriated Green Bay Packer fans with plans to arrive in training camp on Friday and rescind his retirement. For months, people in Wisconsin have showered the emotional quarterback with going-away gifts. He is not going away, but it was worth a try.

Oliver Stone released a trailer of his new movie about President Bush's wild youth back in the Seventies. The director was meticulous about keeping the movie true to the era and yet fair to the Bush family. The coke dealer is the moral center of the story.

President Bush called on Congress Wednesday to allow a vote on offshore oil drilling off the coast of California. Seventy percent of the public is on his side. For the first time in history, American audiences are booing the whales at Sea World in San Diego.

Southern California was hit by a moderately strong earthquake Tuesday that rattled homes and swayed office buildings and frazzled nerves for thirty seconds. Everybody who lives in Los Angeles agrees that it could have been a lot worse. It could have rained.

The Food and Drug Administration blamed the salmonella outbreak on the contaminated irrigation water on Mexican farms. What is wrong with Mexico? Any other country with that much tequila and oil would need a seven-hundred-mile-long wall to keep Americans out.

Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert announced Wednesday he will step down from office next month. The day before, cable news political pundits in America were saying that you can take it to the bank that he would remain in office. That's how safe our banks are.

Saudi Arabia outlawed dog-walking Tuesday, claiming that people use dog-walking as an excuse to flirt. The regime could be overthrown by the Americans any day now. If the Saudis think we're sentimental about office towers they should see how we feel about dogs.

Hillary Clinton is having an online contest to raise the millions she needs to pay off her campaign debt, and the winner gets to have dinner with her. That's a lot of baggage. Most guys don't even want to have dinner with a woman who needs her car repaired.

The Washington Post editorial page chided Barack Obama on Wednesday for acting as if he were already the President of the United States. He's becoming a lot more humble as the campaign grinds on. During the Democratic primaries he acted as if he were Jesus Christ.

Ludacris released a rap song for Barack Obama Tuesday that called Hillary a bitch. The Democrats are blowing it right before our eyes. If the Republicans can hold onto the White House after eight years of President Bush, they deserve the Nobel Prize for Sorcery.

John McCain called Barack Obama a celebrity like Britney Spears in a new campaign ad Wednesday. Don't tempt him. Barack Obama may pull out of the race when he finds out that the presidency doesn't pay nearly as well as showing up at club openings in Las Vegas.

John McCain told reporters Wednesday he supports a proposed Arizona ballot measure that would ban affirmative action policies. That's understandable. He particularly does not like the one saying every forty-fourth U.S. president has to be an African-American.

China was accused Tuesday of installing Internet spy equipment in all Beijing hotel rooms to monitor Olympic visitors and journalists. Every hotel guest's web history, messages, searches and key strokes will be spied on by the Chinese government. This time next year, China will be flooding our markets with a shorter and less expensive Bob Costas.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio