Argus Hamilton's column for 7-30-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

The Dark Knight passed three hundred and ten million dollars at the box office in its first ten days out. It was a very expensive movie to make. Just the amount of gasoline it took to get fire to shoot out of the Batmobile nearly broke the studio.

China said Monday that Islamic militants have made threats against the Olympic games in Beijing. They said they have tight control over security. Under China's strict one-child policy, the U.S. Olympic basketball team will not be permitted to date.

Mick Jagger officially became a senior citizen Saturday when the Rolling Stones singer turned sixty-five years old in New York. It was just what you would expect. Everyone who did drugs at the birthday party got hit with a twenty-five dollar co-pay.

Jay Leno inched closer Tuesday to signing with ABC after he leaves the Tonight Show next year. His joke output every night is superhuman. Jay Leno has the same nickname among workaholics that Richard Pryor used to have among cokeheads, Fearless Leader.

Homeland Security declared a heightened state of alert worldwide on Monday. It just brought up a lot of bad memories. Every time Americans see that roll of duct tape in the kitchen drawer it's a grim reminder to us all that we'll believe anything.

President Bush met Pakistan's prime minister at the White House Monday. While they talked, the U.S. launched a missile strike on Pakistan hideouts without informing the head of the government. President Bush is only told things on a need-to-know basis.

Barack Obama met with economic advisors in Washington to plot policy Monday. He just returned from the Middle East and Europe. While Barack Obama was in London he decided to bypass the election and ask the Queen's permission to form a government.

London's World News was found liable for slandering billionaire Max Mosely. They dressed hookers like German soldiers to spank him on hidden camera. If John McCain is really that tired of Barack Obama getting all the TV airtime, there's always a solution.

The Auto Club reported Monday the average price of gasoline dropped below four dollars a gallon. Everyone knows what's next. We're twenty-five cents a gallon away from President Bush arranging for an emergency bailout of the struggling oil industry.

Congress voted billions to rescue defaulting homeowners Monday just days after the White House bailed out overextended banks. It's a trend. Every casino in Las Vegas just installed a hotline to the Treasury Department next to the cashier's cage.

The Justice Department's inspector general reported Monday top officials broke the law by using politics in the hiring of U.S. attorneys. That's a first. In seven years the only thing found innocent in this administration has been a crate of tomatoes.

John McCain had a mole removed from the side of his face Monday after doctors gave him a good going-over. He's been out campaigning for two years. His blood sugar was high, but his salt, ketchup, mustard, and grated cheese levels are just fine.

Hillary Clinton's campaign began selling office computers and furniture Friday to start paying off her twenty-million-dollar campaign debt. That explains why she agreed to give speeches for Obama. She gets a million a week, but she has to mean it.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 7-29-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

John Edwards refused comment Saturday after he was spotted seeing his mistress and love child at the Beverly Hilton. A lot of people are angry. Comedians wasted one year rooting for Hillary Clinton thinking she was the candidate of adultery jokes.

The U.S. Olympic basketball team played a practice game in Las Vegas Friday, then flew to Macau for two more. The NBA stars are playing three games in two gambling capitals. They never should have hired Charles Barkley as their strength and conditioning coach.

Medical marijuana dealer Charlie Lynch went on trial in Los Angeles Friday. It's taking awhile to impanel a jury. As soon as potential jurors hear that the guy is on trial for selling medical marijuana, they take out their wallets and get in line.

The International Comic Book Convention met in San Diego last weekend. Lots of money changed hands on the floor. After the success of Batman and Superman and Spider-Man, Hollywood studios were signing doodles on cocktail napkins to three-picture deals.

New York's Mercantile Exchange saw oil futures prices finally begin to go down this past week. The insanely high gasoline prices have forced everyone to adjust. In California the arsonists had to use sprinkler cans to start this year's brushfires.

Mississippi death-row inmate Dale Leo Bishop endorsed Barack Obama on Wednesday minutes before the convicted murderer was executed. You can't fault his logic. Since he couldn't get a pardon from the governor he thought he'd go straight to Jesus.

Dennis Kucinich appeared before the House Judiciary Committee Friday and laid out his case for impeaching President Bush for lying about Iraq having weapons of mass destruction. The president's best bet is to plead ignorance. He can prove that.

John McCain spoke by satellite to the National Disability Forum in Columbus on Saturday. There's a reason he spoke by satellite. John McCain doesn't go anyplace where he's assigned the six-hundredth-best parking space at the conference.

John McCain spent Friday in Aspen enjoying a one-on-one meeting with the Dalai Lama. He's the Tibetan spiritual leader who espouses meditation and love to achieve peace and enlightenment. He's been persona non grata at the White House for six years.

John McCain complained Saturday he is not getting fair treatment in the media while all Barack Obama gets is adulation. It's not the first time. All throughout the Vietnam War, he couldn't get on page three whenever Jane Fonda made an overseas trip.

Barack Obama had meetings in London Saturday with Tony Blair and Prime Minister Gordon Brown and Tory leader David Cameron. They learned his mother was of English descent and his father was a British subject. Prince Harry didn't pass muster this fast.

Barack Obama and David Cameron were overheard discussing the need for politicians to take vacations and to demand daily quiet time for thinking. This runs counter to the Puritan ethic. Americans believe that too much free time leads to impeachment.

The International Olympic Committee on Thursday kicked Iraq's Olympic team out of the Summer Games in China. The Shiites are very difficult to train. During baseball practice, the outfielders didn't just overthrow the cut-off man, they toppled his statue.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 7-28-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

The Green Bay Packers said Brett Favre will report to the team's training camp Sunday. It will be taped for a reality show. Brett Favre is going to compete with Barack Obama in a series of challenges to determine which one of them is the Second Coming.

The Princeton Review issued its annual list of Top Ten Party Schools on Friday with West Virginia finishing in first place on the nationwide list. It wasn't fair at all. People with stills always have an advantage during times of economic collapse.

Rudy Giuliani's son Andrew sued Duke University because the golf coach cut him from the team and refused to reinstate him. His teammates said he was disruptive and rude and arrogant. His father is so proud of him that he put him back in the will.

Kelsey Grammer on Thursday discussed the heart attack he suffered while swimming in the ocean last month after hearing that his sitcom got canceled. He's out of work, but he's alive. Network executives and sharks find Baby Boomers too tough and gristly.

Washington D.C. columnist Bob Novak hit an eighty-six-year-old homeless man with his black Corvette Wednesday and then drove away from the scene. He's been fined fifty dollars. Thank goodness the Supreme Court just overturned Washington D.C.'s handgun ban or people might be defending their homes with Corvettes just to save on legal fees.

The Food and Drug Administration on Friday blamed this year's salmonella outbreak on fresh jalapenos imported from Mexico. These free-trade agreements turned out to be fair after all. They've got us exchanging worthless dollars for poisoned produce.

The Mississippi River was hit by a four hundred thousand gallon oil spill in New Orleans last week. It's costing oil companies a quarter billion dollars a day. President Bush just flew to Houston and place a rolled-up prayer in the Drilling Wall.

Barack Obama wrote a prayer to God which he placed in Jerusalem's Wailing Wall last week. The prayer note was retrieved by a seminary student and published in an Israeli newspaper. Everybody in Israel wanted to know if it was addressed, Dear Dad.

Barack Obama stopped in Paris Friday to meet with the French president, Nicolas Sarkozy. It went very well. He got excellent advice from John Kerry, who told him under no circumstances should he allow himself to be photographed with the Eiffel Tower.

Barack Obama gave a speech to a huge outdoor crowd in Berlin Thursday. There's a reason they were nice to him. They are very superstitious in Germany and when they heard he's killed a witch they wanted to elect him president of the Black Forest.

John McCain ripped Barack Obama for opposing the troop surge in a speech to a convention of Hispanic military veterans in Denver Friday. He was preaching to the choir. Hispanic military veterans invented the troop surge at the Alamo so they know how well it works.

President Bush sanctioned Zimbabwe Friday, finally realizing that Robert Mugabe is beyond redemption. At last, he gets it. Hardly a day goes by that another name isn't added to the list of leaders he should have overthrown instead of Saddam Hussein.

Osama bin Laden's driver testified Thursday that a Moroccan prisoner released from Guantanamo four years ago was actually Osama's bodyguard. We caught the bodyguard and we caught the driver but we couldn't get a clear shot at Osama. Donald Rumsfeld became Secretary of Defense after he was kicked out of the Paparazzi's Union.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 7-27-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

A Chicago suburb banned pants that sag more than three inches below the waist Friday. May it stop there. If politicians were banned from wearing their pants any higher than their approval rating the U.S. Congress would boast more moons than Jupiter.

Albany College researchers issued a warning about cell phone use Tuesday. They said cell phones can cause brain damage. If you are a woman related to Christian Bale and the hotel room's big enough to let him take a full wind-up, they can be fatal.

Batman's Christian Bale was accused by his mother and sister of assault Sunday in London. The movie's target audience are boys who hate their sisters and mothers. Studio publicity used to be an exercise in glamour but nowadays it's an exact science.

New York Yankees executives held meetings at the team's spring training facility Thursday. They discussed signing Barry Bonds for the stretch drive to fill in for injured sluggers. The other night, Alex Rodriguez pulled a hamstring in a number with Madonna.

Washington D.C. columnist Robert Novak hit a pedestrian with his Corvette Wednesday on a local street, then left the scene. He was caught by a bicyclist. He had to be touched by all the e-mails he got from Los Angeles asking if the Corvette's all right.

NASA's former astronaut Edgar Mitchell claimed Tuesday the U.S. has covered up its contact with space aliens. It's what everybody suspected. It's why Barack Obama got such weird looks when he landed in Berlin and addressed the audience as People of the World.

Barack Obama addressed two hundred thousand people at Berlin's Victory Column Thursday. He failed to receive the thunderous, rousing cheering reception he had hoped for. The Germans walked away from the speech agreeing that he's no Adolf Hitler.

Barack Obama in Berlin Thursday called for wealthy nations to share the wealth with poor nations and for an end to nuclear weapons. He urged the free movement of immigrants. All John McCain has to do is stay off television til November and he's in.

John McCain met with the Dalai Lama Friday in Aspen, Colorado. It was a hassle for the GOP candidate. John McCain was never gladder he quit smoking cigarettes because for some reason the Dalai Lama only meets with people on the tops of mountains.

The Secret Service asked Congress for an extra ten million dollars Thursday. They cited the cost of protecting Obama, which must be enormous. They were able to protect Bill Clinton from Hillary for eight years but he didn't defeat her for the presidency.

The Mississippi River was shut off at New Orleans Wednesday after an oil tanker collided with a barge, spilling crude oil absolutely everywhere. It's only fair. If Houston is going to have New Orleans' residents, New Orleans should have Houston's oil.

Condoleezza Rice was greeted in New Zealand by a five thousand dollar bounty offered by a college club. It's for anyone who puts her under citizen's arrest for war crimes. She was just relieved to hear it was for her foreign policy and not her piano playing.

The Air Force said Friday a three-man missile launch crew fell asleep recently while in possession of the nuclear launch codes. Iran's government is getting the feeling they should come to the bargaining table. Their luck is bound to run out soon.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 7-25-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Hurricane Dolly made landfall at South Padre Island and came roaring ashore in South Texas Tuesday. One hundred mile-an-hour winds and driving rainstorms pounded the Rio Grande Valley. This is what we get for asking God for clean tomatoes next harvest.

John Edwards was caught by the National Enquirer at the Beverly Hilton Monday seeing his mistress and their infant love child. So that's it. All last year when he campaigned against premature withdrawal everybody assumed he was talking about Iraq.

The New York Yankees banned sunblock from Yankee Stadium Sunday, angering their fans. It was to prevent terrorists from bringing in liquid explosives. They reversed the policy the next day when they realized they were imploding the stadium in November anyway.

Christian Bale's mother filed assault charges against him in London Sunday while he was attending The Dark Knight's premiere. She worked for years as a circus clown. Hell hath no fury like a circus clown who doesn't get the role of the Joker as promised.

Aaron Spelling's widow Candy Spelling purchased a penthouse condo in Century City Tuesday for forty-seven million dollars. She's moving out of her eighty million dollar home. So it's not just Ed McMahon who's suffering out here during this downturn.

The Mississippi River was closed at the Gulf of Mexico Wednesday when a tanker spilled four hundred thousand gallons of oil. The black gold spread quickly with the tide. By evening the wealthiest family in Louisiana was the Seals of New Orleans.

John McCain canceled his speech on an offshore rig Wednesday due to Hurricane Dolly. He caught a break. His campaign advisers are telling him that if he can stay off television between now and November it will only add to his Steve McQueen mystique.

Barack Obama continued his tour of the Middle East and Europe Wednesday where he posed for pictures of himself with world leaders, pictures of himself with the troops, and pictures of himself in foreign capitals. The worst is yet to come. Is there anything in the world more aggravating than someone just back from vacation?

Barack Obama visited Jordan on his Mideast tour on Monday. Television coverage was very limited. Ever since that New Yorker cartoon depicted him as a Muslim and his wife as a terrorist, Arab television is only allowed to show him from the waist up.

President Bush told a Houston crowd Friday that Wall Street was on a drunk and he wondered when they will sober up. He's one to talk. The decision to cite false evidence to invade Iraq showed such sobriety that AA just added it to the Twelve Steps.

Condoleezza Rice was in Singapore Monday to discuss North Korea's progress in dismantling its nuclear weapons. Things have stabilized in North Korea. Returning travelers said things are back to the way they used to be, when Genghis Khan was running things.

China banned black men from Beijing bars during the Olympics on Monday because they might be drug dealers. The U.S. government chose not to protest. Instead, the State Department is advising the USA basketball team to bring their own strippers to Beijing.

Bill Gates said Wednesday he will join New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg to fund a worldwide anti-smoking effort. Dick Cheney's ears perked up like a guard dog's. The U.S. has been looking for a pretext to invade Cuba for fifty years and this could be it.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 7-24-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Oklahoma oilman Boone Pickens proposed wind energy in a Senate hearing Tuesday. He's been an oilman all his life but he says America has to wean itself off oil. This new law saying bartenders have to tell you when you've had enough is a real pain.

The Dark Knight star Christian Bale was arrested for assaulting his mother and sister in a London hotel room. Everyone in Hollywood understood. It's what you've got to do to get your picture in the newspaper without that silly mask over your face.

Heisman Trophy winner Tim Tebow refused to join Playboy's All-America team due to his religious beliefs. It's a religious publication. The first thing Hugh Hefner has told twenty thousand women over the years is that he's a Methodist preacher's son.

John Edwards was caught by the National Enquirer with his mistress and love child at the Beverly Hilton Monday. It's lucky the former presidential candidate is one of the nation's best personal injury lawyers. He can represent himself after Elizabeth kills him.

Paul McCartney's ex-wife Heather Mills moved to West Hollywood Monday. She has finally found where she belongs. If it weren't for the music on the ice cream truck, people in West Hollywood wouldn't know when it's time for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

The Weather Channel tracked Hurricane Dolly in the Gulf of Mexico as it neared landfall in South Texas Tuesday. No evacuation was ordered. Nevertheless, a lot of families drove to Dallas just to feel what it's like to get a hundred miles per gallon.

Condoleezza Rice told Iran Monday to get serious about ending its nuclear enrichment program. She's not kidding. The only reason the United States hasn't invaded Iran is because the president keeps text-messaging the go-order with his television remote.

San Franciscans signed enough petitions to get a measure on the ballot this fall to name a sewage treatment plant after President Bush. The Central Intelligence Agency named its headquarters building after his father. It's obvious which one decided to topple Saddam.

Senator Larry Craig gave a Senate speech Tuesday that raised eyebrows. He said the U.S. shouldn't let other countries jerk us around by the gas nozzle. If he had said that with his foot he would have been thrown in jail for violating his probation.

Barack Obama was applauded by U.S. troops in a gym in Iraq Monday when he shot a basket from twenty feet. U.S. troops aren't allowed to play favorites. John McCain got the same applause from the troops last month when he shot a prisoner from twenty feet.

Barack Obama issued a strict dress code for staffers and media while they were in Israel and Muslim countries. The campaign didn't want to offend any religious group in the region. People in the Middle East don't worship Obama the way reporters do.

John McCain accused the media of being biased toward Barack Obama. He's got a point. When Obama took off in a helicopter from the Baghdad Airport to the Green Zone on Monday, all three network news anchors reported that he is risen.

The U.S. government began the war crimes trial of Osama bin Laden's driver Salim Hamdan for driving him to safety during the fall of Tora Bora. The precedents don't favor the prosecution. O.J. got away and A.C. Cowlings was never convicted for war crimes.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 7-23-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

The British Open was won by Padraig Harrington Sunday as Greg Norman collapsed on the final nine holes of a major championship, as usual. He's blown every major championship at least once. Greg Norman can't even hold down the Grand Slam at Denny's.

The People's Improv Theater in New York Friday started a Naked Comedy Showcase where comedians perform nude. A lot of people are afraid it could catch on. Joan Rivers just called up her plastic surgeon and asked if she can have a volume discount.

The Dark Knight starring the late Heath Ledger as the Joker had the biggest opening weekend in movie history Sunday. Now all the studios are looking for projects for Heath Ledger. Universal is trying to find out if it still has the rights to The Mummy.

The Dayton Air Show in Ohio was interrupted Sunday when a diverted Northwest Airlines jet was forced to make an emergency landing on the audience-lined runway. The plane made an uneventful landing. The audience demanded their money back.

President Bush spoke with the U.S. Olympic team at the White House Monday before they took off for China. The athletes were warned that their BlackBerrys could be copied, their cell phones could be tapped, and their hotel rooms could be searched. This is the last time they stay in a hotel President Bush reserves for them.

Iraq endorsed Barack Obama's plan to pull all U.S. troops out of Iraq in sixteen months. The candidates have similar plans. John McCain favors pulling U.S. troops out of Iraq in sixteen months, if time's still measured in months a hundred years from now.

Saturday Night Live producers announced Monday the show will start four weeks early this fall to lampoon the presidential race. They will only do Obama jokes in the first thirty minutes of the show. After midnight it's technically the Lord's Day.

Barack Obama's campaign refused Monday to let a New Yorker reporter board its media plane. They're mad over the cover cartoon depicting Barack as a Muslim and Michelle as a terrorist. Nobody likes to be drawn ten pounds heavier than they really are.

Barack Obama visited three Arab countries in the Middle East last weekend. It's a different world. Two-thirds of Egyptian men polled Friday admitted they sexually harass women at work, which tells you that two-thirds of Egypt is under construction.

New York subways will be saturated with an ad campaign promoting Islam in September, which critics say is a Trojan Horse for recruiting terrorists. There's nothing to worry about. What's the likelihood of knocking down a skyscraper with a hijacked subway train?

Focus on the Family's James Dobson told evangelical Christians Monday he never thought he would say this, but he may back John McCain. He looked pretty happy. How often do evangelicals get to side with evil, even if it is the lesser of the two?

John McCain flew up to Maine Monday to speak with former President Bush at his home in Kennebunkport. The cameras showed them shaking hands at the front door. Former President Bush wanted to personally welcome John McCain into the One Term Club.

Whoopi Goldberg insisted on her right to say the N-word Friday. It's a Southern thing. Blacks say the N-word, but not around white people, rednecks say the N-word in jokes, but not around black people, and Anglo-Normans say the N-word, but only at white guys who can't drive, stoplights that turn red, and golf balls that go out of bounds.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 7-22-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Israel arrested six men linked to al-Qaeda Thursday for plotting to shoot down President Bush's helicopter in Israel last month. That was close. Israel's security chief could win the Nobel Peace Prize for keeping Dick Cheney from becoming president.

Wall Street soared as oil fell Friday, but gasoline stayed high. There's so much money in the gas station business they've installed TV screens at the pump. They ought to play porn movies so you can see someone else is getting screwed the same time you are.

American Airlines had to divert a flight Friday when a male passenger came out of the bathroom naked. It was really no surprise. Thanks to the obesity epidemic, the Mile High Club has been forced to allow members to have sex in the bathroom alone.

Mississippi led the country in obesity in a nationwide study showing one-third of Mississippians are obese. It's dangerous. Last week a guy went outside wearing a tee-shirt with the Confederate flag on the front of it and a helicopter landed on him.

The Mexican navy acted on a DEA tip Friday and intercepted a submarine hauling six tons of cocaine aboard. They used sonar to find it. The boat started out as a cabin cruiser but by the time they finished loading the cocaine, it was a submarine.

The New York Post said Friday Lindsay Lohan might have a teen-aged half-sister in Long Island she never knew was alive. The rush is on to find her. These people get so many millions for their baby pictures, it's a better investment than oil futures.

Barack Obama landed in Afghanistan on Saturday where he met with the provincial governor of Jalalabad. It was nothing new to him. To Democrats, all governors who don't run New York or Massachusetts or California are considered provincial governors.

Barack Obama met last weekend with Arab leaders in Iraq, Kuwait and Jordan. It was an intelligence bonanza. That New Yorker cartoon showing Barack Obama dressed as a Muslim and his wife as a terrorist had these guys spilling state secrets to him.

Iraq's prime minister Nouri al-Maliki said Friday he favors Barack Obama's plan to pull all U.S. troops out of Iraq in sixteen months. Last year Barack Obama's plan was to pull all U.S. troops out in one month. At this rate, by the time Barack Obama becomes president he'll be naming the permanent U.S. bases in Iraq after Teddy Kennedy.

John McCain ripped Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki on Saturday for saying he liked Obama's plan to withdraw U.S. troops better than anything he's heard. That's the problem with Viceroys. After about a year, they start thinking it's their country.

Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff warned Friday that terrorists are trying to slip into the United States using European Union passports. These people must be suicidal. If the gasoline prices don't kill them, the real estate market will.

The White House revealed Saturday President Bush has been besieged with pardon requests. Michael Milken and Marion Jones and John Walker Lindh all asked for presidential pardons but Jack Abramoff didn't. At that level you don't have to ask.

Chicago O'Hare Airport officials dispatched ambulances to assist the Mexicana Airlines jet that overshot the runway and crashed into a safety barrier Friday. No one was hurt. All one hundred and forty-two passengers parachuted out over California.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 7-21-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

The President Bush Library was voted permission Friday to be built at Southern Methodist University in Dallas. He belongs there. With Michael Irvin, Pacman Jones, Josh Hamilton and now George W. Bush, no one can deny that Dallas will forgive anybody.

Buckingham Palace suffered further water damage Thursday which Queen Elizabeth can't afford to fix. She can't get a home equity loan. Her family's only owned the house for a thousand years and the Bank of England doesn't like to lend to speculators.

Billy Crystal was appointed Friday to serve on the World Trade Center Memorial Committee. This is an effort to get the memorial moving. After seven years they have concluded that what's been holding up the project is that it doesn't have enough laughs.

Mad Men received eighteen Emmy nominations Monday for the show about a New York advertising agency in the early Sixties. All the characters drink, smoke and have sex in the workplace. There was a time in this country when there was no such thing as a sick day.

Britney Spears lost custody of her two toddlers to former husband Kevin Federline Friday in a court ruling. The tabloids hurt her cause. There was a time when a photograph of a mother holding onto her little half pints meant kids, not half pints.

John McCain vowed in Detroit Friday to jump start the U.S. economy. The country faces record gas and food prices, housing foreclosures, and bank closings. Has it occurred to anyone that Brett Favre wants to come back because needs the twelve million?

Barack Obama was off Friday on a six-day trip to Israel, Jordan, France, Great Britain and Germany. The crowds will be huge. He plans to play Moses in Israel, Saladin in Iraq, Joan of Arc in France, Churchill in England and he's wracking his brains for a famous German leader to play that won't cost him New York and Florida.

Barack Obama was denied permission to speak at Berlin's Brandenburg Gate where Jack Kennedy and Ronald Reagan gave speeches during the Cold War. Germany says it's reserved for presidents. Saviors have to start at the beer halls and work their way up.

The Democratic Convention was reported Tuesday to be planning to give Denver's homeless free tickets to movies and the zoo to keep them out of sight. There still will be a lot of suffering visible at the convention. For starters, they won't allow fried food.

The White House decided to set up a diplomatic mission in Teheran Friday. This could be a first step toward recognizing Iran after thirty years. It was the first government in history we couldn't recognize because they were all wearing black hoods.

President Bush and Iraq's prime minister agreed Friday to a time horizon for pulling U.S. troops out of Iraq. Let the buyer beware. The trouble with a horizon is that you have to be a member of the Flat Earth Society to think you can ever reach it.

Congress is furious at Air Force officials for spending anti-terrorism funds on luxury aircraft interiors in transport planes used by the generals. They wanted something nicer than business class travel. A bag of peanuts would've accomplished that.

Kansas environmentalists resisted the construction of windmill turbines Friday because they break up the beauty of the prairie. Kansans like it flat. You can stand on your front porch in Kansas and watch your dog run away for a long, long time.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 7-20-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

The Green Bay Packers filed charges against the Minnesota Vikings Thursday for improper contact with Brett Favre. What is it about Minneapolis? A man can't even go to the airport restroom in that town without having this charge filed against him.

The NFL began reviewing game films Tuesday to see if players were using secret gang signs on the field. There's a reason most teams have gone to the no-huddle offense. The players can't associate with one another or it violates their probations.

Jesse Jackson apologized again Thursday when tapes revealed he used the N-word as he vowed to cut off Obama's testicles. He had reason to use language like that. Jesse Jackson's sick and tired of being the only politician in America with no Grammy.

Dark Knight starring the late Heath Ledger opened to all-time record audiences this weekend. The actor's almost-certain Oscar nomination sends a real message to young people in Hollywood. You can do heroin and die and not have it hurt your career.

The White House admitted Friday tomatoes didn't cause salmonella poisoning. The tomatoes were wrongly accused and then thrown out for no reason. Florida farmers are just lucky that the Sunnis and Shiites aren't fighting over their fields right now.

Osama bin Laden's driver Salim Hamdan goes on trial Monday. He was seized with two surface-to-air missiles in his car in Tora Bora. The case has been working its way through the courts for five years as the next big test of Second Amendment rights.

President Bush said Wednesday he hopes Texas Ranger Josh Hamilton becomes a national hero. The slugger overcame alcohol and cocaine addiction to dazzle the crowd at the home run derby. With that big stick he could be the next Teddy Roosevelt.

President Bush flew to California Thursday to see the raging wildfires. He keeps close tabs on all the damage. If enough environmentalists are burned out of their coastal homes and forced to leave California, he'll be able to pass offshore drilling.

Barack Obama caught a break Thursday when all three major network news anchors decided to cover his trip to the Middle East. They were following their instincts as reporters. The chance to see a guy walking on the Sea of Galilee comes maybe twice.

Barack Obama was ripped by conservatives Friday for proposing huge spending on federal programs to stimulate the economy. His economic philosophy is self-evident. His father was from Kenya and his mother was a Kansan, and that makes him a Keynesian.

John McCain admitted he collects Social Security although he earns nearly two hundred grand a year as a senator. That's on top of his military pension and his disability payments. If Ronald Reagan was alive he would denounce John McCain as a welfare queen.

The Mars Phoenix Lander sent back data Thursday showing Mars used to be covered with lakes and rivers. However, the temperature went up and now the entire planet is just a desert. It inspired Al Gore to go on a diet and enter the Mr. Universe contest.

Congress fought over a home mortgage bailout bill to rescue lenders from a wave of defaults Friday. It gave the banking committee a great idea. We should bundle Iraq and Afghanistan together as financial instruments, then sell them to China.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 7-18-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

The New York Mercantile Exchange saw the price of crude oil tumble ten dollars a barrel in two days. It prompted a huge stock market rally Wednesday. President Bush is so unaccustomed to getting good news that he shot the messenger out of habit.

Six Flags watched its stock price drop on Wall Street to forty-eight cents a share Wednesday. The economy is terrible for theme parks right now. It's hard to compete with the thrill of pushing your car up a hill and then coasting to the grocery store.

Willie Nelson and John Mellencamp announced Tuesday that this year's Farm Aid concert will be in New England. It's an annual event. Farm Aid started out as an appeal to the American people to give money to suffering farmers, now it's the other way around.

Tiger Woods cannot play in the British Open this weekend. He broke his leg and tore up his knee jogging at night. Pro golfers can't tell the difference between a wolf and a coyote but they've got way too much money to risk guessing the wrong way.

Babe Ruth's cap and Lou Gehrig's warm-up jacket were auctioned for three hundred grand each in New York this week. Collectibles are like gold during economic uncertainty. Whenever there is inflation or a weak dollar, ballplayers who died early do very well.

The Daily Oklahoman filed suit against a Nebraska fan for using its website to publish a fake news story saying that two OU quarterbacks got busted for selling drugs. It's very serious. Fake news stories got us into Iraq and now we can't get out.

President Bush hosted Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig at a dinner at the White House Wednesday. The sport is his life. President Bush's library at Southern Methodist will exhibit every episode of SportsCenter taped during his presidency.

Texas Ranger Josh Hamilton showcased his new sobriety at the All-Star Home Run Derby Monday. Things have changed in Dallas. Last night a stripper asked a Dallas Cowboy to make it rain and he walked over to the exit door and set off the fire alarm.

Alex Rodriguez and Madonna Night was held on Thursday at a Grand Prairie minor league game in Texas. Couples who denied any romantic link between them got in for a buck. When Dick Cheney showed up with Big Oil they were laughed out of the ballpark.

The National Parks Superintendents Association held its annual meeting in Utah on Wednesday. It could be their last meeting. No one's sure about the future of the parks system but next year's summit will be held at Yellowstone National Refinery.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi recommended oil drilling in already-explored Alaska leaseholds Tuesday. She won't yield on offshore or wildlife preserves. The Democrats are not opposed to drilling, they are just opposed to drilling in areas that have oil.

Barack Obama said Wednesday his candidacy will increase black voter turnout by thirty percent and let him win several states in the South. Now we know why he's been promising to rise above racial divisions. You can see them better from up there.

John McCain gave a speech Tuesday at the NAACP Convention in Cincinnati trying to win black votes from Barack Obama. It didn't scare him. He doesn't mind people shooting him down and holding him for five years but he can't stand being untelevised.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 7-17-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Newcastle United soccer fans protested in England Monday when they heard Osama bin Laden's family is trying to buy the team. You can imagine how this is going to work out. Whenever the team plane flies into New York, it really flies into New York.

The New Yorker ran a cover cartoon Monday of Barack Obama dressed up as a Muslim terrorist. It shows his wife dressed as a Black Panther. Barack Obama is offended, John McCain is offended, and Hillary is offended they didn't run it three months sooner.

Spain opened bullfighting season Saturday, drawing bullfighting fans and animal rights protesters to Madrid. There's a worldwide effort by activists to stamp out blood sports. Thousands were hurt Tuesday during the Running of the Banks in Pasadena.

Texas Ranger Josh Hamilton stole the show at Yankee Stadium with his home runs and comeback story during All-Star week. After three years on alcohol and drugs he came back to play baseball. Not everyone has what it takes to make it in Hollywood.

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt gave birth to twins Saturday in France. They then sold the baby pictures to a tabloid for twenty million dollars. For the first time ever, retired racehorses who've been put out to stud think they're in the wrong racket.

Robert Downey Jr. signed Saturday to star as Sherlock Holmes. The detective was addicted to liquid cocaine. Of course there won't really be liquid cocaine in the syringe when Robert Downey Jr. films the scene, in the movies they always use iced tea.

President Bush ended the eighteen-year-old ban on offshore oil drilling Monday with polls showing overwhelming support for the idea. It could be dangerous. Every time President Bush feels like the public is behind him, he declares war on the world.

Barack Obama told the NAACP convention Monday that black people must take more responsibility for their lives. Will the suffering ever end? First it was slavery, then segregation and now the first black president is prejudiced against black people.

Nancy Pelosi demanded a new round of stimulus checks for Americans Monday. The last check didn't work out so well. The people who spent it are broke again and the people who put it in the bank are waiting for the bank to open so they can get it out.

John McCain campaigned in New Mexico Tuesday where he touted his experience. He assured the voters in Albuquerque he knows how to win wars. He watched the North Koreans do it, he watched North Vietnam do it, and now he's watching the Iraqis do it.

President Bush said Monday the answer to America's energy problems is more oil drilling. He won't call on Americans to drive less. Living in your car in the parking lot at work conserves a lot of energy but President Bush doesn't want it as his legacy.

Budweiser was purchased for fifty-two billion dollars Monday by Belgian brewer InBev. It's run by a hotshot team of Brazilians who operate out of Rio. Budweiser hasn't been linked with a cast of characters this interesting since Prohibition ended.

Tony Blair canceled a trip to Gaza Tuesday after Israeli police discovered an assassination plot by the Palestinians. If Tony Blair had been killed it would have turned the whole world against the Palestinians, but Israel warned him anyway. The main theological difference between the Old Testament and the Koran is sportsmanship.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 7-16-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt gave birth to twins last weekend in France, adding to their growing brood. It's one noisy house. The children they have adopted have already begun demanding international development aid from the children they have had.

Pasadena's Indymac Bank reopened Monday after a run on the bank Friday. It was wild. That morning some guy took his debit card to the Mobil station and filled up his Escalade with premium, and the next thing anybody knew, the bank was insolvent.

Miss Venezuela won the title of Miss Universe Sunday. Miss USA slipped onstage and fell legs up in a slit evening gown for the second straight year. Ever since Britney Spears started doing their choreography they get a lot more views on YouTube.

The New Yorker ran a cover cartoon Monday of Barack Obama dressed as a Muslim terrorist. His wife is dressed as a Black Panther. It just shows that a cartoonist can do with a pen what Jesse Jackson can only dream of doing with a pair of scissors.

Minnesota's former governor Jesse Ventura announced Monday he will not run for the U.S. Senate as an independent. It's really a shame. Jesse Ventura is the only man who can take Washington politics and raise it to the level of professional wrestling.

Alex Rodriguez bought one of his strippers a condo in Toronto Friday as his wife made divorce plans. Men are such dogs. The next day President Bush was reported to be supporting Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac and Laura has to be weighing her options.

Congress broke into angry debate Monday over different ways to reduce gasoline prices. It's a problem they understand. Congressmen have to drive their own cars because cab drivers refuse to pick up people who are statistically likely to rob them.

John McCain told La Raza Sunday he's earned their vote by backing comprehensive immigration reform. He's serious about wanting Hispanic votes. In Texas, Arizona, New Mexico and California, John McCain's bumper stickers read Stay Thirsty, My Friend.

Barack Obama spoke before the National Council of La Raza Sunday, and he spoke before the NAACP convention Monday. He will be addressing a white audience this weekend. He has purchased two thirty-second advertising spots during the British Open.

GOP lobbyist Stephen Payne was taped selling access to White House officials in return for donations to the George W. Bush Library. No harm, no foul. The administration has a twenty percent approval rating and the dollar is worthless, so it's an even exchange.

Southern Methodist alumni were livid when the White House was reported selling access to build the Bush Library at SMU. Southern Methodists wouldn't have believed the article but it was published in the London Times. That's their hometown newspaper.

President Bush urged more oil exploration worldwide Monday. Back when a meteor hit the earth ten million years ago, the dinosaurs were all hanging out in Texas, Oklahoma, Los Angeles and the Persian Gulf. Israel is so sorry it had a no-pets policy.

President Bush lifted the executive ban on offshore drilling originally signed by his father eighteen years ago. His father banned offshore oil drilling, pulled U.S. troops out of Iraq, and paid for the war with foreign donations from Japan and Saudi Arabia. This isn't a presidency, it's an eight-year episode of Father Knows Best.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 7-15-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Major League Baseball holds its annual All-Star Game tonight in Yankee Stadium in New York City. The historic stadium is facing demolition in the first week of November. John McCain is already producing commercials blaming it on Osama bin Laden.

Pasadena's Indymac Bank was declared insolvent Friday and closed until it was reopened under federal control Monday. It's a good thing it was in California. If this had happened in a state where people save money it could have been a catastrophe.

The Green Bay Packers refused to release Brett Favre to sign with another team Sunday. They'd rather have him on the bench. President Bush will never believe we are in a recession if a guy can make twelve million dollars a year to watch football.

Josh Brolin was arrested Friday in a bar in Shreveport where he's been shooting Oliver Stone's President Bush movie. He plays the president. He's a method actor, and to get in character he had to either get drunk in Louisiana or invade the Middle East.

President Bush shocked world leaders during his closing remarks at the G-8 summit in Japan Thursday. He bid them farewell from the world's biggest polluter. Under President Bush's leadership, America has the dirtiest record since Louie, Louie.

WALL-E was number one at the box office Sunday. It's about a trash-compacting robot's quest for the mechanical love of his life. He's not the first character to pick up trash while looking for love but he's the first to do it in a children's movie.

The Stop Smoking Hotline in New York reported Friday that phone calls for help tripled after the city's new ten-dollar-a-pack tax kicked in last week. The city's government has done the impossible. They somehow managed to make crack cost-effective.

The World Trade Center rebuilding project collapsed Wednesday amid design flaws and red tape. It's all the new regulations. The Building and Safety Commission is insisting that nothing can be rebuilt in New York until the terrorists die of old age.

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke testifies on Capitol Hill today in his scheduled update to Congress. He must sound concerned without starting a panic. No one thinks he's skipping the country but the dry cleaners made him pay up front Monday.

The Democratic party banned fried food at the convention in Denver next month. No wonder they want to reduce it to three days. Four days without fried food and the Southern states will secede, and how do you square that with nominating Barack Obama?

Barack Obama was embarrassed by off-color jokes performed by Bernie Mac at his Chicago fundraiser Saturday. The next day the campaign had to apologize for the offensive remarks. If they'd known he was a preacher they would never have booked him.

Jesse Jackson apologized Tuesday for saying he wants to cut off Barack Obama's testicles. He was always polarizing. Back when Jesse Jackson ran for president his bumper stickers said Run Jesse Run and Republicans placed them on their front bumpers.

John McCain joked Friday that U.S. cigarette exports would be a good way to kill Iranians. The Iranian people can smoke indoors, drive as fast as they like and gas is forty cents a gallon. If Iran had any more freedom it would be a John Wayne movie.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 7-14-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

The Running of the Bulls got underway in Pamplona to begin bullfighting season in Spain Tuesday. Hundreds of young bulls chased daredevils down city streets. At the end of the season the surviving bulls are castrated and endorsed by Jesse Jackson.

Jesse Jackson said on Fox News Sunday that he wanted to cut off Barack Obama's testicles. Now he thinks of it. If our last two presidents had had this done we never would have gone to war in Iraq and Bill Clinton would have retired with his dignity intact.

Jesse Jackson targeted Barack Obama for lecturing black audiences about family values and personal responsibility. It was poor judgment. If Barack Obama is going to steal Bill Cosby's material he should take the stuff from his earlier, funny years.

Jesse Jackson became the third pastor to bedevil Barack Obama Sunday. He's had tiffs with a Baptist pastor, a Church of Christ pastor and a Catholic priest. Just because Barack Obama isn't a Muslim doesn't mean he can't be hounded into becoming one.

Christie Brinkley smiled for photographers as she left a Long Island courthouse Thursday after her divorce case settled. She looks great. When tough times force Americans to choose between prescription drugs and food, supermodels don't think twice.

The California Lottery announced plans Wednesday to offer a lifetime supply of gasoline to the winner in the next state lottery. It's not very practical. Leave it to the geniuses in Sacramento to fill up a house with gasoline during fire season.

The California National Guard joined the firefighting effort Thursday. However, state officials said it wasn't enough and asked the White House to send federal troops. As much oil as there is under California, it's a shock they're not here already.

Barack Obama spoke at a Hillary Clinton fundraiser but he forgot to ask donors to give to her. Sure he forgot. The atmosphere between the two sides is so poisonous it is giving the last surviving veteran of World War One some really nasty flashbacks.

Bronx residents sued a New York waste-recycling company on Thursday, saying the odor from two sewage facilities was ruining their lives. Residents have to hold their noses while walking down the street. They look like McCain voters in the South.

John McCain looked cornered Thursday when a female reporter badgered him about why insurance companies cover Viagra but not birth control pills. He didn't dare tell her the truth. When birth control pills give men erections, they will be covered.

John McCain advisor Phil Gramm said Friday America isn't in a recession and added we've become a nation of whiners. He's from a bygone era. That kind of tough talk from coaches doesn't work anymore unless they also videotape their opponent's signals.

Iran's government got caught doctoring a photo of its Shahab-3 missile test last week showing four missiles launching when it was really only one. The Iranians love their new photo-editing software. Tomorrow they're going to release a photograph of Neil Armstrong planting the Iranian flag on the moon.

President Bush signed the new surveillance bill Thursday. It's designed to keep America safe. The government is building a complete database of everyone you call and everyone who calls you and, in honor of Jesse Jackson, everything they call you.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 7-13-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Jesse Jackson was caught by a microphone saying he's so angry at Barack Obama for talking down to black voters that he'd like to cut off his testicles. Let's hope he doesn't. Otherwise Barack Obama may be giving his acceptance speech in Denver at Mile High Voice.

Alex Rodriguez was named by a Boston stripper as a former lover Tuesday. She kept him up all night four years ago to help her Red Sox beat the Yankees in the playoffs and win their first World Series in eighty years. The Chicago Cubs just put her on retainer.

Brett Favre text-messaged the Green Bay Packers Saturday saying that he wanted to cancel retirement and play again. His farm income isn't even enough to pay his gasoline bills. This morning he took his shotgun behind the barn and put down his SUV.

Los Angeles was infested with new swarms of mosquitoes carrying West Nile Virus Wednesday. They breed in abandoned swimming pools of foreclosed homes. The virus makes people listless and inattentive, so it's virtually undiagnosable in Los Angeles.

Formula One's Max Mosley sued the London Mail Monday to defend his right to enjoy kinky sex. He says the hookers who spanked him on video were dressed as German guards, not Nazis. Reality show producers are following this trial like it's the pennant race.

The American Society for Plastic Surgery said Thursday cosmetic procedures are down this year. Gym memberships fell nationwide for the first time in decades. It turns out that walking ten miles to work every day can turn anybody into a supermodel.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi called upon President Bush Wednesday to release oil from the Strategic Petroleum Reserve. If he did this it would lower gas prices and lower the profits of oil companies. He hasn't worked this hard to give it all back now.

Barack Obama told a town hall meeting in Georgia Wednesday that parents need to make sure their kids are able to speak Spanish. So that's his economic policy. He is going to have Americans pose as illegal immigrants so they can get low-paying jobs.

Barack Obama apologized Wednesday for allowing his ten-year-old daughter to be interviewed by Access Hollywood. He vowed that it won't happen again. Already Annie Leibowitz is following the candidate's family everywhere with a bed sheet and a camera.

Barack Obama asked Germany's permission to address a German throng at the Brandenburg Gate just like Jack Kennedy did. He's going to accept the nomination in a stadium like Jack Kennedy did, and he's campaigning with Jack Kennedy's daughter. If Barack Obama was any more like Jack Kennedy he would be in as much trouble as Alex Rodriguez.

John McCain brushed off Bill Clinton's remark Monday that it's just a matter of time before a former POW snaps and relives the nightmare of his imprisonment. Every prisoner has flashbacks. For John McCain it was Hanoi, for Bill Clinton it's marriage.

John McCain was asked Tuesday about the tenfold increase in cigarette sales to Iran. He joked that it may be a good way of killing Iranians. In the midst of the uproar over his comment, Dick Cheney called and offered him fifty dollars for the joke.

Iran test-fired nine Shahab Threes over the Persian Gulf Wednesday, missiles which can reach Israel. However in Israel, the top news story was a sex scandal involving a former president. Your television ratings are zilch if everybody is in the basement.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 7-11-08

LA JOLLA--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Miley Cyrus caused a panic at Disney Studios Tuesday when the fifteen-year-old star said she wants to be the next Madonna. It could interfere with her education. She just stole the best player in Pony League ball from the English teacher he was dating.

Alex Rodriguez's wife filed for divorce Monday because of his infatuation with Madonna. They were clearly meant for each other. E-Harmony set them up when they wrote on the questionnaire that the most important thing in life is to fill a stadium.

Brett Favre told the Green Bay Packers he wanted to cancel retirement and play this year. Retirement was a disappointment. He thought that since the government pays him not to grow cotton, Green Bay was going to pay him not to play football.

Larry King was honored in Hollywood Thursday when the intersection of Cahuenga Boulevard and Sunset Boulevard was renamed Larry King Square. Local residents are extremely puzzled. An intersection seems like a strange place to put a softball field.

Warren Beatty was given the Lifetime Achievement Award in Hollywood on Tuesday by the American Film Institute. For over thirty years he was the biggest womanizer in Hollywood. Nobody seriously thinks the Lifetime Achievement Award is for his acting.

President Bush, along with other leaders at the Group of Eight Summit Tuesday, filled out a card listing his wish for the world, and he wished for a world free from tyranny. It's merely a superstition. The next morning Dick Cheney was still president.

Boone Pickens began a TV campaign Tuesday urging the use of wind power to generate electricity. He's got five thousand windmill turbines spinning away in West Texas. For Boone Pickens it's just an investment, but for the geese it's the French Revolution.

John McCain began seriously considering possible GOP vice presidential running mates during the Fourth of July weekend. There's an added interest in the job due to his advanced years. John McCain needs someone who is ready to take over on Day Two.

Barack Obama decided Monday to accept the nomination at Mile High Stadium, then asked Berlin's mayor if he can speak at the Brandenburg Gate. It's become a sickness. He won't even order breakfast anymore unless sixty thousand people are watching through the windows.

Barack Obama's plane had to make an emergency landing Monday after a rear exit chute deployed during flight. The reporters onboard were shocked. Nobody thought that Hillary would tamper with his plane until after his fundraiser for her on Wednesday.

Hillary Clinton voters were polled Tuesday and one-third vowed they won't vote for Obama. They're angry that the liberal cable networks spent all year demonizing Hillary and glorifying Barack. That Easter sunrise service was a little over the top.

Iraq's Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki asked the U.S. for a troop withdrawal timeline Monday and added he will allow no permanent U.S. bases in Iraq. His comments were welcomed in the White House. It's been so long since Dick Cheney had a good laugh.

The Church of England bishops convening in London Monday voted to accept women bishops, infuriating Episcopalian conservatives. They're already furious over gay bishop ordination. It's getting to where if Protestants want to see straight white males in charge of things, they'd better enjoy President Bush while there's still time.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 7-10-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Rafael Nadal won Wimbledon Sunday, beating Roger Federer in the best played and most epic tennis match anybody has ever seen. The whole world was riveted. Osama bin Laden was almost captured because he refused to change caves during the fifth set.

Alex Rodriguez's wife Cynthia filed for divorce Monday alleging his infidelity with strippers and Madonna. He's been playing great despite all the controversy. Alex Rodriguez is the only hitter who sees the ball better when he's in the tabloids.

Barack Obama's campaign plane made an emergency landing in St. Louis Monday. An emergency rear exit chute deployed while the plane was in the air. The Love Guru is so unwatchable that people are walking out on it even when it's the in-flight movie.

Barack Obama decided Sunday to give his acceptance speech at the Denver Broncos' stadium. It will be on the anniversary of Martin Luther King's I Have a Dream speech. At the rate Barack Obama's been moving to the right, he might be delivering the rebuttal.

Alec Baldwin led efforts in New York Monday to ban horse-drawn carriages from working in Central Park. He wants horses off the streets of New York. Barack Obama isn't the only Democrat moving to the right, Alec Baldwin is now in bed with Big Oil.

The Automobile Club reported gasoline prices hit a new record high Monday. The West Coast is hardest hit. Gasoline is so expensive in Los Angeles that drunks who drive their cars off the cliffs of Mulholland Drive have been forced to carpool.

Universal Studios announced Monday it bought the Weather Channel. It's to help their theme parks. Universal is going to use all the Weather Channel's footage from the last month to create a new ride called It's a Small World and It's Coming to an End.

President Bush met with Russia's new president Dmitry Medvedev in Japan Monday and later called him a smart guy during his daily press conference. The two presidents are already fast friends. They met in the slow reading circle at the Group of Eight Summit.

Methodist Church officials meet in Dallas next week to decide whether to permit President Bush's library at SMU. Church opposition to his decision to invade Iraq is a reality. The White House answered by calling for new alternative sources of reality.

John McCain spent the Fourth of July weekend with a speech coach, which he badly needed. Barack Obama presents himself as the man with the energy, the talent and the judgment, while John McCain presents himself as the white guy. It's a complete toss-up.

Time magazine ran an article on John McCain Monday saying how much the candidate enjoys shooting craps at Las Vegas casinos. He loves the action and the risks and the screams of the crowd. It's the only thing that can replace the thrill of bombing a city.

GOP conservatives promised Monday to stage a full-fledged fight over the party platform at the GOP convention this fall. President Bush's name is on ninety out of a hundred pages of the current platform. That's not a current platform, that's a diving platform.

Condoleezza Rice met Poland's foreign minister Monday to try to get him to host the U.S. missile defense system. Dick Cheney tried but couldn't get anywhere with the Poles. Once you have survived Hitler and Stalin, fending off Dick Cheney is just batting practice.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 7-9-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Dan Quayle met with reporters Tuesday to promote his celebrity golf tournament at Lake Tahoe Friday. He was a real pioneer in his way. Just like Jackie Robinson paved the way for Hank Aaron, Dan Quayle jokes paved the way for President Bush jokes.

Alex Rodriguez was recruited by Madonna to join Kabbalah Saturday. They study ancient Hebrew texts which believers claim have all the answers to the universe. It's a mystical cult for celebrities whose publicists won't let them be Scientologists.

Christie Brinkley's husband said at their divorce trial last week that he had sex with himself while standing in front of his Internet web cam. It's shocking. He's either a total sex addict or the auditions for America's Got Talent have gone too far.

Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum in Berlin was vandalized during the museum's grand opening when a German walked into the gallery and tore off Adolf Hitler's head. Such is the life of a politician. It's always, what have you done for me lately?

Seattle Sonics owner Clay Bennett moved his team to Oklahoma City Tuesday. The team will change names. It's the first name change since the Washington Bullets, in an effort to improve their public image, changed their name to the Baltimore Bullets.

President Bush gave a speech at Thomas Jefferson's estate on July Fourth to greet new citizens. The two presidents have a lot in common. Thomas Jefferson declared independence from Great Britain and George W. Bush declared dependence on Saudi Arabia.

President Bush flew to Japan Saturday for the Group of Eight Summit. They meet annually. Seven years ago the U.S. was the world's largest industrial economy, however this year we had to trade Sri Lanka two draft picks for the number-eight spot.

The Group of Eight leaders gave a toast Monday with sake cups worth a thousand dollars apiece. They are made of wood, rimmed with gold and inlaid with mother-of-pearl. The reason they're so valuable is that each cup is filled with unleaded premium.

President Bush met with reporters in Tokyo Sunday with Japanese Prime Minister Yasuo Fukuda. Everyone was very tense. An international incident was avoided when President Bush did not try to pronounce his name on camera, and just called him Buddy.

Barack Obama agreed last week to let cameras follow him to the gym every morning, to the barber shop on Sunday and home to his house and his wife every night. Democrats can't believe it. They thought they nominated Eldridge Cleaver and he turned out to be Ward Cleaver.

John McCain came out of his house in Phoenix Sunday to attend church. On the way home he drove to the local VA hospital and visited for forty-five minutes. The fastest way to the hospital in Phoenix is to propose citizenship for illegal immigrants.

John Kerry told Face the Nation Sunday John McCain does not have the judgment to be president. Four years ago John Kerry asked McCain to be his running mate on the Democratic Party ticket. John Kerry was for John McCain before he was against him.

The Democratic Convention specified Sunday that caterers must provide food in five exact colors. It's unbelievably controlling. Retired caterers in Moscow who used to work the Soviet Party Congress banquets just realized they won the Cold War.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 7-8-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Los Angeles witnessed a spectacular July Fourth fireworks show. The sky lit up for hours. Most cities pay pyrotechnic engineers a fortune for a show like this, but in California all we have to do is send three idiots on a camping trip to Big Sur.

Crocodile Dundee star Paul Hogan sued the Internal Revenue Service Thursday to keep them from helping Australian tax collectors who are pursuing him. He laughed it off to reporters. Fighting with the IRS is the Senior Tour for crocodile wrestlers.

Oregon daredevil Kent Couch took off for Idaho Saturday in a lawn chair attached to one hundred fifty helium-filled party balloons. It was very professionally planned. He wasn't in the air five minutes before he refused to serve himself peanuts.

President Bush flew to Japan Saturday for the Group of Eight Summit. It's the annual meeting of the eight largest industrial nations' leaders. President Bush is representing the U.S. this year because the chairman of Exxon doesn't like Japanese food.

Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton will hold two joint fundraisers on Wednesday in New York. One will raise money for Barack's campaign and one will raise money for Hillary's debt. Next week al-Qaeda is going to raise money for Dick Cheney's retirement package and Dick Cheney's going to raise money for al-Qaeda's ammunition fund.

Barack Obama hinted last week he may give his acceptance speech at Denver's Invesco Field at Mile High. There's good reason. He thinks if he commits himself to giving an hour-long speech outdoors at five thousand feet altitude, it will force him to quit smoking.

Barack Obama spoke at the African Methodist Episcopal conference Saturday. He's recently turned conservative on gun control, wiretapping and withdrawal from Iraq. If he turns Episcopalian it'll take a DNA test to distinguish him from President Bush.

The Methodist Church's South Central Jurisdiction meets next week in Dallas to hear a challenge to the Bush Library being built at SMU. They object most to the think tank that will be attached to the library. Stagnant water just breeds mosquitoes.

GOP Congressman Dana Rohrabacher said it'd be better if President Bush does not attend the GOP convention. It's sad but true. President Bush has done so much damage to the Republican party that the GOP convention's going to air on the Weather Channel.

John McCain angered GOP strategists by staying home in Arizona all July Fourth weekend. The Republicans can't believe they nominated this guy. This never would have happened if Jeb Bush had taken their advice and changed his last name to Reagan.

The State Department got caught snooping into the passport files of Hollywood stars for six years Thursday. The administration defended the snooping. They feel that the best way to get celebrities to back your war is to know everybody's real age.

The FDA was swamped by complaints from tomato growers that tomato sales have been killed by the false publicity about salmonella poisoning. Jalapeno peppers from Mexico are now suspected. If they don't find the tainted jalapeno peppers before the next census, it's going to cost the Southwest dozens of congressional seats.

U.S. cargo planes transported over five hundred tons of Iraq's yellowcake uranium to a Canadian processing plant Saturday. The uranium had been stored in Iraq in barrels for decades. On the side of the barrels were handwritten instructions from Henry Kissinger.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 7-7-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Colombia's army rescued U.S. hostages held by terrorists for years in the jungle Thursday. It was ingenious. The hostages were slipped inside a rescue helicopter and replaced with Folgers Crystals, and the terrorists couldn't tell the difference.

Alex Rodriguez was reported Thursday to be having an affair with Madonna in New York, about which he refused all comment. The city is riveted. Alex Rodriguez is within one actress of tying Mickey Mantle's team record of fifty-four actresses in one season.

Christie Brinkley wept on the witness stand in her divorce trial in Long Island Thursday. She was describing how she learned that her husband was cheating on her. She spoke at a school assembly and none of the senior girls would look her in the eye.

Arnold Schwarzenegger directed the firefighting as multi-million dollar houses burned up and down the Central Coast. Big Sur was evacuated. They had to set up the Red Cross shelter at Hearst Castle because these people will not sleep in a gymnasium.

U.S. Senate longtime legend Jesse Helms died at age eighty-six in North Carolina Friday, just a day after Bozo the Clown died in California. Everyone in the nation's capital waited nervously for the next shoe to drop. These things always come in threes.

Republican Senator John Warner proposed a fifty-five mile an hour speed limit Friday. It would add speeding tickets to high gas prices, then your car insurance goes up, then you can't pay your mortgage, then you lose your home, then America goes into a depression and the country votes Democrat. Never wonder again how Jimmy Carter got elected president.

England's Lord Chief Justice angered the British people Friday when he said Sharia law should settle disputes between Muslims. Britons are fed up with multi-culturalism. Every time they call the bank, the voice mail tells them to press one for Magna Carta.

President Bush gave a speech outside Thomas Jefferson's mansion Friday. He was heckled by protesters who shouted that he's a fascist. It was a selected audience, but it's quiet in that neighborhood and they can hear you all the way across the river.

President Bush flew to Japan Monday for the last Group of Eight Summit of his presidency. During the conference, the other world leaders listed his accomplishments and no one talked about his mistakes. It looked like they had taken the vow of silence.

Condoleezza Rice told Judy Woodruff Friday that she is proud of the decision to invade Iraq. The interview aired all weekend. July Fourth is a day when Democrats drink beer, Republicans drink Scotch, and the Bush administration drinks the Kool-Aid.

John McCain skipped all the July Fourth picnics and parades and fireworks shows to relax privately at his home in Arizona. Presidential candidates can't go underground on Independence Day. If he were in the NBA, there would be a point-shaving investigation.

Barack Obama apologized in Montana for not walking in a July Fourth parade. He said the Secret Service would have made the crowd hold up their hands as he walked by. To Democrats he'd look like Jesus and to Republicans he'd look like a bank robber.

Barack Obama backtracked on his anti-war message Thursday, indicating he could take two years to pull U.S. troops from Iraq. He originally promised a pullout in two months. He started out in this campaign totally against war, but after one tour around the country he has gotten to know the Anglo-Saxons and he'd like to be elected.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 7-6-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Christie Brinkley's divorce trial made national headlines Thursday. Her husband admitted having sex with himself in front of strangers on his web cam. He could face a seventy-six dollar fine under a broad interpretation of the new hands-free law.

China was invaded by locusts Thursday to add to the algae infestation and smog alerts. And that's on top of earthquakes and flooding. China never should have cracked down on people who pray six times a day the year they're hosting the Olympics.

Seattle Sonics owner Clay Bennett moved the team to Oklahoma City Tuesday. The best players will flock to play there. Gasoline is one dollar a gallon cheaper in `Oklahoma City and when you own seven Hummers, that makes up for the lack of strip bars.

The Golden Nugget in Las Vegas replaced its swimming pool Tuesday with a water slide that runs through a giant water tank containing tiger sharks, sand sharks and Pacific blacktip sharks. It's not that unusual. Every casino has a loan department.

Gonzo: The Life and Work of Dr. Hunter Thompson opened in movie theaters Friday about the fabled Rolling Stone political writer whom Baby Boomers idolized. In his whole life Hunter Thompson only did one line of cocaine. It was thirty years long.

Colombia's military staged a thrilling rescue of U.S. hostages held by socialist guerrillas for five years Thursday. They were U.S. military contractors. They were subjected to torture, and that's just when they filled up their cars after they got home.

Colin Powell met with the presidential candidates last week without making any endorsement. He's respected by both sides. Four years ago Colin Powell resigned as President Bush's Secretary of State in order to spend more time with his conscience.

Dick Cheney urged Poland's prime minister Thursday to allow the U.S. to base its missile defense system on Polish soil. Russia will never tolerate it. Dick Cheney's only got six months to destroy the planet Earth before some meteor gets credit for it.

President Bush asked Americans Wednesday to write their Congressmen and demand oil drilling offshore and in the Alaskan wildlife refuge. It's puzzling. You would think he would have a little more empathy for wildlife now that he's a lame duck.

Arnold Schwarzenegger ordered the National Guard to help fight wildfires along the central coast Wednesday as the fires threatened to burn all weekend. Normally the big patriotic holiday poses an extra fire risk. Luckily, Cinco de Mayo was two months ago.

Florida Governor Charlie Crist announced he's going to marry his girlfriend of nine months after being a bachelor all his life. It's a sacrifice. Most guys who want to improve their chances of being named the vice presidential running mate just get Botox.

John McCain flew to Mexico City Wednesday to talk about immigration policy and free trade. It's a shrewd move. He knows that at the current rate of immigration, sixty percent of the people he meets down there will be registered voters by November.

Barack Obama had to call a second press conference Thursday to get his Iraq withdrawal story straight after the plan he described contradicted the plan he campaigned on. It's a rookie mistake to call a second press conference to clarify what you said in the first one. If President Bush did that, he would never get any work done.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 7-4-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Independence Day, everybody, and God bless America.

The Music Man airs tonight on Turner Classic Movies as it does every Independence Day. The movie is set at the end of the horse-and-buggy era. Viewers today think it's charming that folks still had enough money to buy band uniforms after they filled up the horse.

The National Beer Wholesalers said Monday Independence Day is the biggest beer-selling weekend all year. It's a three-day escape from the workplace. People may forget the holiday celebrates independence from Great Britain, but tyranny is tyranny.

The Automobile Club predicted Tuesday fewer Americans will be driving anywhere on Independence Day. It's due to astronomical gas prices. Gasoline prices are so high in Los Angeles that rap music moguls are having their shoot-outs on the Internet.

Men's Health released a report Monday urging men to have an active sex life as they grow older. It says middle-aged men who have sex once a month are much less likely to die suddenly. However, the chances increase if their wives find out about it.

Alex Rodriguez gave a teen cancer patient and his dad a ride to Yankee Stadium in his SUV Tuesday. He brought them into the locker room and gave them bats, balls and jerseys. The next day the Boston newspapers ripped A-Rod for driving a gas guzzler.

George Washington's boyhood home was excavated in rural Virginia Tuesday. They found no cherry tree, no cherry tree stump and no hatchet. People are so convinced that all politicians lie that they've been digging for seven years just to confirm it.

Kentucky police arrested a woman in a prostitution sweep in Fort Wright Monday for trading sex for gasoline. The woman was willing to do absolutely anything for oil. It seems like everybody's auditioning to be John McCain's running mate this week.

Rush Limbaugh signed an eight-year deal with Clear Channel Radio Tuesday. It's no wonder they locked him up for eight years. Until Hillary Clinton can run for president again it's going to take a real professional to get any laughs on the radio.

Denver Mayor John Hickenlooper's State of the City speech was sabotaged Wednesday by a black woman hired to sing the National Anthem. She sang the black national anthem instead. It's the last time he books a singer from the Trinity United Church of Christ in Chicago.

Barack Obama gave a speech Wednesday to promote expanding national service. He wants every college student to serve fifty hours in exchange for a four thousand dollar tuition tax credit. And if you serve one hundred hours you can have it in beer.

John McCain shook up his campaign Wednesday and hired Arnold Schwarzenegger's campaign manager, Steve Schmidt. He's just what the candidate needs. Anybody who can make a Republican out of a Hollywood actor might make a Republican out of John McCain.

John McCain went on a fact-finding trip to Latin America Wednesday. While he was in Colombia he went riding on a drug interdiction speedboat called the Midnight Express. It was the first indication that the Republicans have written off California.

Hillary Clinton cleaned up her campaign web site and removed all attack videos against Barack Obama Wednesday. She has also removed all photos of her husband. Anybody can now get to Hillary Clinton's web site by logging onto www.Men-Are-Dogs.com.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 7-3-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

The White House admitted Monday tomatoes might not contain salmonella bacteria after all. No one apologized. Even though inspectors haven't found one dangerous organism, President Bush says that the world is a safer place without Farmer McGregor.

President Robert Mugabe threatened Friday to cut off the hands of anybody in Zimbabwe who didn't vote for him. Thank goodness it didn't come to that. His opponent dropped out, or California wouldn't have been the only state to go hands-free this week.

California outlawed handheld cellular phones in cars Tuesday, infuriating Los Angeles drivers. They can talk on a phone, drink coffee, shoot the idiot who cuts them off and steer the car with their knees, all at the same time. You can't reverse evolution.

General Motors reported a steep drop in SUV sales Tuesday. The same day, polls said high gas prices are the top issue for three-fourths of the American people. This is the first quantifiable proof that one-fourth of the American people are Amish.

China issued an alert Tuesday for algae infestation where Olympic water events will be held. Track and field events will be in smog-ridden Beijing. U.S. athletes are training for China by smoking two packs of cigarettes per day and eating tomatoes.

Kit Kittredge: An American Girl is a box-office hit about a girl who helps her family survive hard economic times. It sounds increasingly like today. Last Sunday tourists saw Ed McMahon in an antique store in Beverly Hills, for six hundred dollars.

California's Wine Country was threatened by brushfires on Tuesday as marijuana plants burned up north. Firefighters are battling to save the hippie lifestyle. Next they'll have to put out that burning sensation that often results from Free Love.

John McCain spoke in Indianapolis Tuesday and backed free trade with Canada and with Mexico. It has to be just right. Heaven is Canadian culture, Mexican food and American know-how, while hell is Canadian food, American culture and Mexican know-how.

Former NATO commander General Wesley Clark denounced John McCain Tuesday, saying a president needs judgment, not just courage. Nine years ago in Bosnia, Clark ordered a NATO attack on Russian soldiers at Pristina Airport, which a British general refused to obey, avoiding World War III. So Wesley Clark knows a thing or two about bad judgment.

President Bush visited a credit counseling company in Little Rock, Arkansas, Tuesday. The president said he thinks he can get a deal with Congress on a housing rescue bill. As soon as the locals heard him say rescue bill, they wondered what he did this time.

Barack Obama agreed with Republicans Tuesday that federal dollars must be given to religious groups that do social work. It was a letdown. A lot of Democrats were supporting Obama because they thought he could multiply the loaves and fishes himself.

President Bush took Nelson Mandela's name off the terror watch list so he can visit the United States. Just in time. When John McCain wins eighty percent of the vote in November, Nelson Mandela will be able to explain to everybody what happened.

President Bush lifted a ban on shipping firearms to China Monday so rifles and ammunition can be sent to American athletes who are competing in Olympic shooting events in Beijing this summer. He was happy to do it. Once you accept that you're never going to win the Nobel Peace Prize, you can just relax and enjoy being president.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 7-2-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Seymour Hersh wrote in the New Yorker Monday the White House has sent Special Forces into Iran. Their job is to destabilize Iran before we attack. It contradicts the widely held belief that President Bush has done all the damage he can possibly do.

California was declared a disaster area Saturday as eight hundred fires burned out of control in northern forests. Marijuana crops are ablaze. Twenty thousand firefighters are having to be rotated every six hours between Twinkies and Ding Dongs.

Tarzan's chimp Cheetah signed a music recording deal Monday and a book deal to tell his life's story. He's listed as the world's oldest living primate. A chimp that can sing, write and do comedy is enough to get a new Kansas School Board elected.

Jack Nicholson led a Screen Actors Guild revolt against a settlement deal with studios Monday, making a strike likely. There are no replacement workers for Jack Nicholson. Nobody with his experience was able to make it through the Disco Era alive.

The National Bartenders Association reported Tuesday that tips at the bar were down thirty percent last month. You don't have to impress a woman in a bar by flashing your cash. Women today won't go home with you unless they see your gas gauge.

The Automobile Club released its survey on gas prices Saturday. It showed that the highest gas prices are in California and the lowest are in Oklahoma. It's a dollar a gallon difference, but that's not enough to make everybody get out of show business.

The Centers for Disease Control cited eight hundred cases of salmonella poisoning in June. They still can't find one infected tomato. Tomatoes may have been wrongly accused, but the way the military tribunals are run they have no way to prove it.

North Korea was able to blow up its nuclear reactor safely on Friday. It has had radiation leaks for years. It's had no effect on men but evidence shows that every woman raised on the Korean peninsula can break par on any course in the United States.

Barack Obama's campaign revealed that Obama phoned Bill Clinton Monday and they had a terrific conversation. They struck a deal. Bill agreed to stay off the campaign trail and Barack Obama agreed to give him Scarlett Johansson's e-mail address.

John McCain said Tuesday he was a contestant on Jeopardy forty-three years ago when it aired daily on NBC. He was eliminated by the Final Jeopardy question on the second day. The North Vietnamese could not break him but he cracked under Art Fleming.

John McCain met Billy Graham at his North Carolina home Sunday. This preacher would never embarrass a candidate. You can bet there's no videotape of Billy Graham calling Roman Catholicism the Whore of Babylon, if it existed it'd be on black-and-white film.

Barack Obama defended his patriotism during a speech in Independence on Monday to launch his Southern strategy. Both candidates have their geographic challenges. In order to carry the North, John McCain has to distance himself from President Bush, and in order to carry the South, Barack Obama has to distance himself from Abe Lincoln.

President Clinton's NATO commander General Wesley Clark raised a firestorm Sunday on CBS' Face the Nation. He said getting shot down in a fighter jet doesn't qualify John McCain to be president. Getting shot down by Paula Jones didn't qualify Bill Clinton to be president, but it did give us eight years of prosperity and comedy.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 7-1-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Los Angeles wilted under a heat wave last week, sending the city's population out to the beaches to save on air conditioning bills. The lifeguards reported a record number of people in the ocean Sunday. They are swimming out to get the oil personally.

Tiger Woods spent a few nights before last Tuesday's knee surgery in Las Vegas with friends at a celebrity gambling event at the Bellagio Hotel. He likes to relax in Las Vegas. He likes it so much there's speculation about how his leg really got broken.

CBS News' Lara Logan was accused by an angry Texas housewife Friday of carrying on an adulterous affair with her contractor husband in Iraq while also dating CNN's Michael Ware. It's her duty. Lara Logan has freedom tattooed on one ankle and democracy tattooed on the other ankle and she's doing all she can to spread freedom and democracy in Iraq.

The Presbyterian Church convention Friday voted to allow gay ministers, however they split over gay marriage. Episcopalians and Methodists have the same split. No one would have thought thirty years ago that gays would wind up being Scotch drinkers.

North Korea blew up its nuclear reactor on world television Friday. The weather was windy. No one knows how much radiation was dispersed by the blast but North Korea is now the odds-on favorite to win the three-legged race at the Summer Olympics.

The Weather Channel aired footage Saturday of violent wind damage on the Great Plains. Tornadoes disrupted the U.S. Olympic swimming trials practice in Omaha. If there's one good thing about being caught in a tornado, it's that you're dry in three seconds.

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger asked President Bush for a disaster declaration Saturday due to wildfires raging on the central coast. None of the fires are more than twenty percent contained. Already sixteen banks have lost their homes in Big Sur.

San Francisco voters will rename a sewage treatment plant the President Bush Sewage Treatment Plant if a proposed ballot measure passes this fall. The idea apparently has a lot of support. Donations are pouring into the plant every day.

President Bush ripped Zimbabwe's sham election Saturday and said Robert Mugabe has no respect for democracy. We have no plans to invade. It's really racist of the Bush administration not to suspect an African nation of developing nuclear weapons.

Barack Obama's lead prompted affirmative action foes Friday to claim America's no longer racist and preferences aren't needed. Bigots are the new minority. Unless affirmative action is repealed, Harvard could be forced to hold slots open for Klansmen.

John McCain was endorsed for president by his North Vietnam prison warden Tran Trong Duyet Friday. He said during prison debates McCain never admitted the war was a mistake. He told his captors he was prepared to stay in Vietnam for a hundred years.

Hillary Clinton appeared with Barack Obama at a rally in New Hampshire Friday to show her unconditional support for him. She acted like she meant it and he acted like he believed it. One day, used car salesmen will study this tape in advanced training sessions.

The Screen Actors Guild may strike to get payments for actors when advertisers pay to have their products placed in television shows and movies. It's gotten shameless. The worst example was during the crucifixion scene in Passion of the Christ when Jesus thirsted but turned down the vinegar offered by a Roman soldier because it wasn't Heinz.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio