Argus Hamilton's column for 6-30-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

John Daly thrilled the Buick Open gallery Wednesday by hitting a monster drive off his pro-am partner Kid Rock's beer can. It's a lesson. Golf may suffer while Tiger Woods is recuperating, but the sport of drinking is bigger than any one athlete.

George Carlin died Sunday following a landmark stand-up comedy career spanning forty years. He often belittled religious belief and referred to God as a spooky and incompetent father figure. It's a good thing he knows how to deal with hecklers.

The Supreme Court ruled that Washington D.C. residents can have handguns at home. The reaction was mixed. If nothing else it will reduce Bill Clinton's temptation to remind Hillary every morning that he was twice elected president of the United States.

Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton flew together to New Hampshire on Friday. The plane had to fly through thunderstorms to get there. Bill Richardson was glued to the Weather Channel the whole time like a dog watching the back door of a butcher shop.

Hillary Clinton appeared with Barack Obama Friday in New Hampshire. She acted very supportive of him and her voters acted very supportive of him. Barack Obama suspected them of faking it but no man really wants to believe it could happen to him.

Michelle Obama told gay Democrats in New York on Thursday her husband will fight for gay equality because he believes it's a civil rights issue. We must all try our best. Someday Republicans will be able to talk golf with gay people and someday Democrats will be able to visualize straight white men without their Nazi uniforms on.

The Supreme Court cut Exxon Mobil's damages for the Exxon Valdez spill to five hundred million Monday. The court said the punitive damages can only be as great as the economic damages. So if you're paying seventy dollars to fill your tank, keep records.

Harry Shearer's new album Songs of the Bushmen was denied billboard advertising space Thursday because the album cover depicts President Bush with a bone through his nose. It will end up being decided in court. The First Amendment must be balanced against a comedian's need to get in all the Bush jokes he can before he leaves office.

Congress voted one hundred sixty-two billion dollars for the Iraq war Tuesday, raising the total to a trillion. The stock market crashed and oil prices soared. President Bush is such a disaster that FEMA is setting up trailers on the South Lawn.

Buns and Guns is a terrorist-themed restaurant that just opened in a Hezbollah-controlled area of Beirut, which lets diners relax to the sound of recorded gunfire. So far only three customers have died. It's just the wrong place to order corned beef.

Bill Gates retired from Microsoft Friday to spend his time in charity work. He is the third richest man in the world and he sees no need to work anymore. Someone needs to warn him that those who do not study Ed McMahon are doomed to repeat him.

John McCain met with GM auto workers in Ohio on Friday. He told them he supports the free trade agreements that are costing them their jobs. The North Vietnamese never had any intention of torturing John McCain until they asked him for his trade policy.

The University of Texas at Brownsville is trying to stop the construction of a border fence with Mexico which will run through school grounds, because it would leave the school's golf course cut off inside Mexico. The fence is critically needed. The fifty thousand people per day asking if they can play through aren't all golfers.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-29-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

San Francisco will name the city's sewage treatment plant after President Bush if a ballot measure passes this fall. Don't miss the tour. Inside the plant will be an exhibit showing visitors the difference between weapons of mass destruction and Shinola.

Shaquille O'Neal was ordered by Arizona and Virginia sheriffs to hand over his deputy badges for singing a rap song Sunday using racist language. He still has his Los Angeles badge. We expect all our Los Angeles police officers to speak English.

Bill Murray's divorce was settled quietly Thursday in South Carolina. His wife accused him of being a pothead and a drunk and a sex addict. Today that's a mark of shame, while thirty years ago that's how they introduced him on Saturday Night Live.

Tiger Woods ate an apple and tossed it aside at the U.S. Open last Monday. A fan picked it up and sold it on eBay for thirty-six grand. They figure if they can take his gum cells and clone them into a pro golfer it's a better investment than GM stock.

Los Angeles City Hall reported Tuesday it has issued seven thousand oil drilling permits to drill in the city. The wildcatters are everywhere. Ed McMahon was last seen in his front yard in Beverly Hills working the gopher holes with a toilet plunger.

President Bush met with the crown prince of Abu Dhabi, Sheik Mohammed Bin Zayed al-Nahyan, at Camp David Thursday. You could guess what they discussed. President Bush saw the latest polls, and he's not as worried about his legacy as he is his escape.

President Bush lifted trade sanctions on North Korea Friday after they blew up their reactor. North Korea's factory workers are paid even less than the Chinese. The first black president may have to reintroduce slavery to make sure America can compete.

Barack Obama broke down and gave Hillary Clinton a twenty-three hundred dollar donation Thursday. It's to help retire her campaign debt. When she showed up for the meeting wearing a hoop skirt made out of velvet draperies he knew she really needed the money.

Barack Obama said he approved of the Supreme Court's ruling to allow handgun ownership in Washington D.C. after earlier backing the ban on guns. Last week he reneged on his word to take public campaign financing and went private. A hundred years from now, Americans will be commemorating Barack Obama with the March Back and Forth.

North Korea hosted foreign observers Friday to watch the North Korean military blow up their nuclear plant. Neighboring countries aren't panicking about fallout. Japan has reassured everybody that if you've seen two of these things, you've seen them all.

The Supreme Court ruled Thursday that Washington D.C. residents have the right to own handguns at home. No one wants to see a return to guns on the street in the nation's capital. The neighborhoods have been so much quieter since people started using knives.

Denver Mayor John Hickenlooper vowed Thursday the Democratic Convention will be the greenest event ever. The first rule is no fried food. The Louisiana delegates are hereby reminded not to carry more than four ounces of Crisco onto the plane with them.

The Great Apes Project got a bill passed in Spain's legislature Friday that bans the exploiting of apes on television or in movies. That doesn't seem fair at all. For years and years Cheetah was the only reason straight people enjoyed Tarzan movies.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-27-08

HOLLYWOOD--George Carlin was remembered this week for his classic comedy routine listing the seven dirty words you can't say on television. Not much has changed in the ensuing thirty years. You still can't say those seven words on the air, but you can show them.

Don Imus said his racial crack on the radio Monday was a sarcastic point about the unfair treatment of blacks by police. It never ends. Don Imus wishes he could mention how often Jackie Robinson stole home without people thinking he's stereotyping.

United Airlines announced Tuesday it will lay off nine hundred and fifty pilots because of tight profit margins. It's the way things have been going. The airline figured out they can make more money off the passengers by charging extra for a pilot.

Tiger Woods had surgery Tuesday to repair torn knee ligaments by a famous knee surgeon, Dr. Tom Rosenberg. He works out of Park City. The only thing more lucrative than drilling where there's oil is performing knee replacements where Baby Boomers ski.

Los Angeles City Hall reported Tuesday it has issued seven thousand oil drilling permits this year. The city sits on a huge oil pool. Between the price of gold and the price of oil we're lucky that people aren't digging up the roads with their bare hands.

Ralph Nader told reporters Tuesday Barack Obama is not addressing black issues of urban poverty and job cuts due to free trade because he wants to talk white. He might have a point. Barack Obama has won a Grammy and it was for a tribute to Perry Como.

Barack Obama enjoyed a fundraiser in Los Angeles Tuesday which highlighted his close Hollywood ties. As a matter of fact he answers Scarlett Johansson's e-mails every night. It's the first indication that Michelle Obama wants to run for the Senate.

John McCain drew protesters in Las Vegas Wednesday who picketed over his support for nuclear power. He's toured many nuclear power plants and he knows they're harmless. All radiation does is bleach your skin white, thin your hair and dump your first wife.

John McCain offered a three hundred million dollar prize Monday to anybody who can invent a fuel-cell battery that will power a car for long distances and end our dependence on oil. If it works we'll be addicted to batteries. You know how we are.

The Supreme Court decided Wednesday that Exxon Mobil doesn't have to pay a two and a half billion dollar award for the Exxon Valdez spill. The court slashed the award to half a billion dollars. Exxon's going to pay it out of the office coffee fund.

Queen Elizabeth stripped Zimbabwe president Robert Mugabe of his knighthood on Wednesday. He's bankrupted her former colony. The Mississippi River just tied Robert Mugabe's record for the most number of white farmers run off their land in one sweep.

President Bush expressed sadness Wednesday over today's Zimbabwe election. The only opponent of President Mugabe dropped out in fear for his life. An optimist is anyone living in Zimbabwe who stays up late tonight to see how the election comes out.

President Bush met with Iraqi President Jalal Talabani Wednesday at the White House. The leaders are negotiating an agreement to keep U.S. troops there after the U.N. mandate expires at the end of the year. The Iraqi president invited international ridicule when he said it's increasingly safe to walk the streets of Washington D.C.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-26-08

HOLLYWOOD--George Carlin was eulogized Tuesday as the funniest and most provocative stand-up comedian of his generation. He died only five days after Tiger Woods suffered season-ending injuries. All in all it was a bad week for people who cuss on television.

Don Imus implied on his radio show Monday that Dallas Cowboy Adam "Pacman" Jones' six arrests aren't surprising considering he's black. It was an honest mistake. The next day Don Imus issued a clarification saying what he meant to say was, We Shall Overcome.

Merrill Lynch's survey said Tuesday there were ten million millionaires in the world. The list includes everyone from Arab sheiks to San Fernando Valley tract home owners. By next year it will include everyone with enough money for a full tank of gas.

The White House said Tuesday it won't interfere with negotiations between Iraq and Western oil companies vying to reconstitute Iraq's national oil company. There's no reason to interfere. Once the father has given away the bride, let the drilling begin.

United Airlines announced Tuesday that it must lay off nine hundred and fifty of its airline pilots due to reduced routes. It's a very rough economy right now. Hopefully the pilots will qualify for federal drink stamps until they can be re-hired.

The Los Angeles Times published the results Monday of EPA-administered drug tests on the raw sewage of the world's major cities. It shows Los Angeles leads every city in the country in cocaine use. Now you know why we don't miss pro football.

GOP advisor Charlie Black apologized for saying terror attacks would help John McCain. He vowed to be more careful. If you don't think Republicans can be careful, remember there hasn't been one oil spill since the price hit twenty dollars per barrel.

The Supreme Court agreed Monday to hear a case on the Navy's sonar training in the Pacific Ocean. Opponents say sonar threatens sea life. If a nuclear submarine should send out out the wrong signal, how does it tells a sperm whale that no means no?

Barack Obama shook hands with supporters at a bakery in Albuquerque Monday. He said he would get rid of the White House bowling alley because it's something he would never use. It's the exact same reason President Bush got rid of the Treaty Room.

Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama will hold a rally together Friday. It will take place in Unity, New Hampshire, because they felt the town's name made it most appropriate. Apparently Deadhorse, Alaska and Loco, Oklahoma were already booked.

Bill Clinton vowed Tuesday to help Barack Obama get elected president. It won't be like campaigning for his wife. He's going to miss the days when his staffers had Hillary's schedule in their hands and he knew she was on the other side of the country.

Senator John McCain announced Tuesday he will visit Colombia next month to show his support in its battle against illegal drug production. It's no surprise he's fully onboard in the War on Drugs. He's got a thing for unwinnable wars that never end.

Transportation Department data released Monday says motorists are driving much more slowly on the road in the last two months to try to save gas. Not everyone's happy about it. Fifty miles an hour takes all the sport out of freeway shooting.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-25-08

HOLLYWOOD--George Carlin died Sunday, thirty years after the Supreme Court ruled his Seven Dirty Words routine unfit for broadcast. Times have changed. Today pornography is a photo of a woman standing in front of a gas pump a year ago with the prices showing.

Kobe Bryant headlines the group of NBA stars named to the U.S. Olympic basketball team on Monday. The NBA players will begin training this week in Las Vegas. That's a great place to train if our goal is to take home the gold medal in stripper tipping.

U.S. Airways infuriated customers Monday whey they began charging for soft drinks in flight. The war on terror is over. Thanks to long lines, new baggage fees, body searches, no food and three-dollar Coca-Cola's, Americans now side with the hijackers.

Saudi Arabia hosted a summit Monday to find ways to reduce prices from the oil well to the pump. Gas station owners are looking for ways to make gasoline more affordable. Across the nation they're converting all their mini-marts into pawn shops.

Tom Brokaw offered to host Meet the Press a week after Tim Russert's death. He announced Russert's death, he hosted Russert's funeral and now he has Russert's job. Now Tom Brokaw's only problem is that he's got Peter Falk following him everywhere.

The Houston Chronicle said Friday the Texas polygamy sect will be investigated by a West Texas grand jury this week. It's not easy being the husband at a polygamist ranch. You leave the toilet seat up just once and suddenly you're facing an angry mob.

The Supreme Court ruled Monday to permit the construction of hundreds of miles of border wall with Mexico. It's vitally necessary. The whole idea of the wall is to keep out terrorists who are trying to get into the United States for a fair trial.

President Bush claimed executive privilege Friday and refused to give Congress documents showing if he pressured the EPA to weaken smog rules. He refused to answer any questions. He's taking advantage of the fact that Democrats oppose waterboarding.

John McCain's top advisor Charlie Black apologized Monday for saying a terrorist attack would help McCain's candidacy. He said it in confidence to Fortune magazine. He forgot that Bill Clinton's presidency turned the Democrats into monthly subscribers.

John McCain spoke in Fresno Monday and proposed a three hundred million dollar prize for a battery that can run a car. Ed McMahon tore his house up when he heard about it. Those Boy Scout manuals back in the Twenties taught you how to do everything.

Barack Obama's campaign decided to get rid of that fake presidential seal with a rising sun on it designed for the candidate's podium. He was campaigning in New Mexico. You don't want to go waving a rising sun in the birthplace of the atomic bomb.

Hillary Clinton will campaign with Barack Obama in New Hampshire Friday. They split the town's vote fifty-fifty in the primary. London oddsmakers posted ten-to-one odds she will use the occasion to name Obama to be her vice presidential running mate.

Condi Rice urged North Korea to do as Libya has done and join the community of nations by giving up its weapons of mass destruction. Libyans read the signals five years ago and wrote the playbook for the Axis of Evil. Lie low until Bush blows over.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-24-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Saudi Arabia held a world summit meeting Sunday to discuss ways to reduce high oil prices. It's absolutely killing the restaurant business. Everyone is staying home at night playing the world's hottest new Playstation game, Grand Theft Gasoline.

Gloucester High School in Massachusetts was rocked when dozens of girls decided to get pregnant and seventeen of them succeeded this month. It's devastating. In addition to losing its tourism revenue, New Orleans has lost its title as the Big Easy.

The Los Angeles Dodgers were honored by the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce last week with their own star on Hollywood Boulevard. It's a first. Until now no one ever thought there could be twenty-five guys on Hollywood Boulevard who couldn't score.

Los Angeles temperatures hit triple digits Sunday, causing wildfire alerts. The scorching weather brought the sharks to the beaches. What do you expect, those guys who own gas stations can't sit in those little glass boxes all year in this heat.

Tiger Woods shook off his broken leg and torn knee Tuesday to shoot three Accenture commercials. His value as a pitchman is greater than ever now that he is injured. You have to know how to play through pain to drive a Buick at four dollars per gallon.

President Bush blamed Democrats Saturday for causing high gasoline prices by opposing offshore drilling. For the first time in years, American public opinion is behind him. What's the point of having a beautiful beach if nobody can afford to drive on it.

Barack Obama reneged on his pledge to observe federal campaign spending limits Friday. He qualified for eighty million dollars in public financing and he's turning it down. Ed McMahon just announced he's running for president as soon as his neck heals.

Ed McMahon was sued by CitiBank for a hundred and eighty thousand dollars Friday as foreclosure loomed. No one can believe he blew through his entire two hundred million dollar fortune. Normally to waste that much money you'd have to invade Iraq.

Barack Obama infuriated purists Friday when he unveiled a podium seal with the presidential eagle in the center. The shield underneath is replaced by a rising sun. When you're raised in Hawaii, the Japanese air force is never far from your mind.

John McCain traveled to Canada Friday where he touted himself as the candidate of free trade to America's number-one trading partner. He said he knows there are no electoral votes in Canada. He makes it a point once a day to show he is not senile.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad accused the U.S. of hatching a plot to kidnap and assassinate him when he went to Iraq in March. That would require forethought and planning and intelligence by the Bush administration. He was laughed out of court.

Condi Rice finalizes a nuclear disarmament deal with North Korea this week. The North Koreans are willing to implode their nuclear facilities on live television. There's nothing left that the regime can do to save their economy except to build a casino.

Martha Stewart was denied entry to Britain Friday because of her conviction for lying about her stock trades. She was in Warsaw launching her magazine's Polish language edition. Back in Eastern Europe her magazine is titled, You Call This Living?


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-23-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

NASA reported on Friday the Phoenix Lander exploring Mars found what analysts believe is ice. Scientists were guarded. We don't know if there's actually life on Mars because the presence of ice doesn't by itself guarantee the presence of cocktails.

Safeway begin restocking its produce shelves with tomatoes Thursday despite the threat of salmonella poisoning. It's a humanitarian gesture. They know customers are suffering from high gasoline prices and they wanted to offer them an easy way out.

Tiger Woods decided Tuesday to sit out the PGA tour this year following his U.S. Open win. He had a broken left leg and a torn up left knee and he won the U.S. Open. It's the most incredible feat on one leg since Heather Mills attracted Paul McCartney.

President Bush called for offshore drilling Tuesday as polls showed widespread support for the idea and trust in its safety. Not one drop of oil spilled in the Gulf during Hurricane Katrina. That's because the Republicans prioritized the rescues.

Belgium released a study Tuesday proving men make bad judgments about alcohol and money whenever they see a woman in a bikini. It could be worse. Seeing women covered from head to toe causes men to fly planes into buildings, so take your choice.

John McCain slammed Barack Obama in Canada on Friday for having a naive Middle East policy. The Arizona senator has his own plan to bring the troops home. When he annexes Iraq as our fifty-first state, technically speaking the troops will be home.

Mississippi River flood levees broke in Iowa on Thursday. The flooding reduced pressure on the river and saved New Orleans. After one hundred and forty years of Reconstruction it's about time Union states picked up their share of the clean-up tab.

The Supreme Court made it easier Thursday for older workers to claim they have been discriminated against due to their age. Reaction was swift. The Republican National Committee just announced it will sue anybody who doesn't vote for John McCain.

Mayor Mike Bloomberg gave a speech to elderly Jewish voters in Florida Friday assuring them Barack Obama is not a Muslim. Obama can win these people over. All he needs is Alan King's old act and they'll be putty in his hands in fifteen minutes.

Barack Obama's campaign named former U.S. Senator Sam Nunn as a potential running mate on Friday. He fills the bill. In order to keep the defense industry humming it's required that the vice president must either be Dick Cheney or look just like him.

South Africa's former president Nelson Mandela will be honored in Europe this week with a huge celebration on his ninetieth birthday. He spent twenty-five years in prison before he served in public office. In America we do it the other way around.

Martha Stewart was denied a visa to enter Great Britain Friday due to her past conviction and imprisonment for lying to the FBI. There's really no need for her to be there. They already have a Queen who knows how to decorate a house like a Protestant.

Congress agreed Friday on a surveillance bill that shields telecom companies from lawsuits for warrantless wiretaps ordered by the White House. The president doesn't eavesdrop nearly as much as he did in the past. Now that his approval rating is down to twenty-five percent, he doesn't want to hear what people are saying.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-22-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

President Bush arrived in Cedar Rapids Thursday and toured the flooded region, where he gave his personal encouragement to relief workers and his consolation to flood victims. Iowans are getting around in rowboats. They are the envy of the nation.

Los Angeles broiled under hundred-degree heat and smog alerts Thursday. That's not at all that's killing people who live out here. Gasoline is so expensive in Southern California that Lindsay Lohan has begun staying at the scene of the accident.

New York's Mercantile Exchange saw oil prices fall five dollars a barrel Thursday on news of price hikes in China. It's still in record territory. Hookers in New York report they're making more money siphoning gasoline than they are turning tricks.

Continental Airlines cut routes and cities Thursday in a desperate bid to make money. There's always a way. United Airlines has begun making money hand over fist by charging Los Angeles passengers fifteen dollars for each item of emotional baggage.

Disney World was reported Friday to be bracing for slow summer business due to the record high gasoline prices. One travel agent is doing huge business selling virtual vacations. You stay home for two weeks and overtip every third person you see.

Tiger Woods left the PGA Tour for a year Thursday due to injuries he sustained in training. He broke his leg hitting practice balls and tore his knee while jogging. John Daly could be the biggest star on the tour now if he's careful not to over-train.

Ronald Reagan's would-be assassin John Hinckley was accused Thursday of using his mental hospital release time to carry on four simultaneous love affairs with women. He's not dangerous as long as they understand one thing. Eight o'clock means eight o'clock.

Reverend Al Sharpton's money operations came under IRS investigation Friday in Harlem. The flamboyant Democrat never thought he'd get caught. It was a mistake for him to list his anticipated payment for slavery reparations as collateral for a loan.

Eliot Spitzer's wife Silda hosted her annual charity event in New York Tuesday, two months after his hooker scandal. She stood by him as he confessed to stepping outside his marriage. It qualifies her to run for president on the Democratic ticket.

Barack Obama accuser Larry Sinclair told reporters Thursday he had gay sex and snorted cocaine with Obama nine years ago. However, he flunked a lie-detector test. People who use crystal meth because they cannot afford cocaine never like to admit it.

Cindy McCain took a trip to Hanoi where her husband was held prisoner for five years during the Vietnam War. She was there for a refresher course. For any woman married to a politician, it's always wise to brush up on your interrogation techniques.

Barack Obama refused eighty-five million dollars in public campaign financing available to him Thursday. He said he needs to raise more money to fight the GOP interest group ads. For every one commercial they run of Barack Obama wearing a Muslim robe in Africa, he has to run three commercials of John McCain in bed with a lobbyist.

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger vowed Thursday that California will never allow oil drilling off the coast. Californians were thrilled to hear the governor take this stand. We love it when the porn stars run for governor during the recall election.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-20-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Tiger Woods shocked the sports world Wednesday by dropping out of the PGA Tour this season for surgery. He won the U.S. Open playing on torn knee ligaments and a broken leg. At the end of the tournament he was endorsing Buick's new Ambulance sedan.

Roger Clemens sold his Bentley to rocker Bret Michaels Monday to pay off his mounting legal bills. It had an instant effect. The next day thousands of kids across the nation dropped out of Little League and enrolled in an afterschool pre-law program.

The Boston Celtics clobbered the Los Angeles Lakers Tuesday to capture the NBA Championship. The refereeing was loose. The Celtics were assaulting Kobe Bryant under the basket and getting away with it, proving that what goes around comes around.

California courthouses began issuing gay marriage licenses on Tuesday, causing a national panic. Other states fear they will be forced to recognize gay marriage when these couples return home. They have until the next earthquake to worry about it.

The Weather Channel showed scary footage Wednesday of Mississippi River levees breaking in downstate Illinois. Many of the houses and towns on the river are built on bluffs. One guy financed a six-bedroom home by convincing Countrywide he had a job.

President Bush visited flooded farms and small towns of Iowa Thursday where he met with flood victims and consoled them. It was an eye-opening experience for the president. He's been in over his head for seven years and he never thought of sandbags.

The White House asked Congress for two billion for Iowa floods Wednesday. It's the worst disaster since Katrina. There have been so many plagues during the Bush presidency that by the end of his term he will have his own book in the Old Testament.

President Bush urged Congress to lift the federal ban on offshore oil drilling Wednesday to relieve high gasoline prices. No one can remember the last time George W. Bush had the public completely on his side. Halley's Comet comes around more often.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid denounced President Bush's proposal Wednesday to begin drilling offshore and called on the government to encourage development of renewable sources of energy. You can't run a car on wind. It's not like the Senate.

House Democrats called for nationalization of oil refineries Wednesday. We have a government that wiretaps citizens, jails without due process and wants to own the oil industry. Saddam Hussein just used the clouds to skywrite Mission Accomplished.

Exxon Mobil announced last week it will sell all its service stations to focus on oil drilling. These are lucrative street corners. Half of the people in their Service Station Owner Training Program are crack dealers looking for greener pastures.

Toyota Motors announced Thursday it will build a line of cars next year that will run on electricity. Talk about the law of unintended consequences. Every American household now wants to get ahold of Iran's nuclear technology to build a power plant.

John McCain and Barack Obama sat beside each other at Tim Russert's funeral this week. The hard-hitting interviewer died suddenly just a week after the Democratic nomination was settled. Hillary Clinton couldn't be at the funeral, but she will be at the trial.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-19-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

President Bush tours Iowa today where half the homes are flooded. The water is contaminated with fertilizer and soil additives and pesticides. Next year when corn grows out of linoleum it will be the signature achievement of the Bush administration.

California began allowing same-sex marriages Tuesday due to a court ruling. The right for gays to marry will be a state ballot measure in November. Voters will probably cut it off, that's how much everybody's pandering to Saudi Arabia these days.

Southwest Airlines passengers got a scare landing in Phoenix Monday when smoke filled the cabin after a wheel blew out. It was a lesson in safety precautions. One woman nearly suffocated because she didn't have the twenty dollars for the oxygen mask.

President Bush visited a high school in Belfast Monday which teaches Protestant and Catholic students together. The two sides have been warring for four hundred years. Whenever there's an explosion in the chemistry class the teacher gets merit pay.

Southern California's real estate home values took their steepest drop in over twenty years. Suburbs are hit hardest because driving back and forth to work is unaffordable. Gas is so expensive prisoners don't even want their sentences commuted.

Barack Obama told Michigan students Tuesday he would give them a four-thousand-dollar tax credit to help pay for college. It's rapidly getting out of reach. Only the rich will be able to afford college if Budweiser gets bought by a foreign brewery.

Barack Obama was televised attending a new church in Chicago Sunday. Democrats today are happy to display their religious faith. Walter Mondale once said there's no place for God in politics, and apparently God felt the same way about Walter Mondale.

Michelle Obama submitted her favorite cookie recipe for Family Circle's first lady contest Monday. Her personally-invented cookie recipe is shortbread cookies flavored with Amaretto. She made her first fortune catering AA conventions in Chicago.

Cindy McCain's cookie recipe in Family Circle Monday was apparently stolen from Hershey's. She was also nabbed for stealing recipes off the Food Network. If most trophy wives can just stick a toothpick into an olive they've done their cooking for the day.

Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama will appear together to meet donors next week at the Mayflower Hotel in Washington D.C. The hotel is a must-see for every tourist who visits the nation's capital. They sell Maps to the Hookers' Rooms in the gift shop.

John McCain flew to Houston Tuesday where he urged lifting the ban on offshore drilling. It's of little concern to Americans now what might happen to marine life. It's no accident that the most frequently used actor's name in porno movies is Derrick.

Zimbabwe president Robert Mugabe warned the U.S. and Britain not to interfere in his runoff election. He rigged the last election to get in the run-off. U.S. monitors saw so much cheating they thought their plane accidentally landed in Chicago.

Joan Rivers was kicked off a British daytime talk show in the middle of a live broadcast on Tuesday for using expletives to describe Russell Crowe. She was happy to have the publicity. Joan Rivers is seventy-five years old but Ed McMahon has already proved that no who worked on the Tonight Show can ever afford to stop working.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-18-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Tiger Woods topped crowd favorite Rocco Mediate to win the U.S. Open Monday. The gallery went wild for a guy wearing a huge peace sign for a belt buckle. They did not buy President Bush's story that the eighteen holes were caused by Iranian rockets.

Major League Baseball announced plans Friday to have their umpires use instant replay on home-run calls starting in early August. NBA referees don't need instant replay. Whenever there's a dispute over a call, they simply ask the script supervisor.

The Weather Channel aired video footage of major flooding in Iowa and Missouri Monday. It's disrupting the entire farm economy. Every day farmers have to get up at three in the morning to feed the chickens and slop the hogs and milk the taxpayers.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. won at the Michigan International Speedway on Sunday. He had to coast to the finish line at the end of the four-hundred-mile race. He couldn't afford to refuel until after they handed him the two-million-dollar check for winning.

Saudi Arabia agreed to increase its crude oil drilling Monday. High oil prices are destabilizing the world. When newspapers said Sunday gasoline prices in Iran are forty cents a gallon, Americans no longer wanted to invade Iran, they wanted to defect.

Hillary Clinton sponsored a bill Monday to rename the U.S. highway at the Buffalo Bills' stadium after Tim Russert. She bore no hard feelings over his brutal debate questions. The last thing he did was to write her a note thanking her for the tomatoes.

Al Gore endorsed Barack Obama Monday and offered to help the candidate in any way he can. It came just in time. That Internet Al invented is forcing Barack to deal with a thousand damaging rumors a day, so the least he could do is pull the plug on it.

Barack Obama gave a speech at the Apostolic Church of God in Chicago about the importance of fathers Sunday. He's shopping for a new church. He's looking for a strong pastor with a vigorous social message and a superstitious fear of video cameras.

President Bush told England he rejects the idea that only white-guy Methodists are capable of self-government. It's an article of faith with him. He deeply believes that all people are capable of self-government once a white-guy Methodist topples their dictator for them.

The Vatican denied a rumor Monday that President Bush is about to convert to Roman Catholicism. The rumor was probably spread by terrorists when they heard President Bush's last stop would be in Northern Ireland. Every industry is outsourcing nowadays.

President Bush told the London Observer on Sunday he's going to write a memoir about his presidency after he leaves office. It's the same old story. President Bush feels very passionately that history is too important to be left to the historians.

President Bush snapped at a toast to him at a Paris banquet Friday, saying that it sounded like a political obituary when he still has months left. In truth, the French have a lot of sympathy for President Bush. They weren't any good at colonialism either.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown met President Bush in London Monday and they froze the assets of Iran's biggest bank. They had no choice. Freezing a bank's assets is the only way to close it down when it had too much sense to invest in subprime mortgages.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-17-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

The Weather Channel showed video Saturday of flooding in Iowa spreading misery everywhere. The water is way too contaminated to drink. There's so much mercury in the Des Moines River that doctors are taking their patients' temperatures with catfish.

Ken Griffey Jr. hit his six hundredth career home run last week on the road. He got a standing ovation from fans for doing it without steroids, unlike others. He's so ruined the curve that UCLA's admissions office named him an honorary Asian student.

Microsoft's Hotmail had a glitch discovered in its spellcheck Friday. It says Obama is correctly spelled Osama. If you think that's awful, imagine the career problems caused by e-mails going out to publicists to promote actress Hitler Locklear.

Scarlett Johansson praised Barack Obama Thursday and said she can't believe he takes the time to answer her e-mails to him. This may hurt him in the eyes of his followers. If Mary Magdalene looked like Scarlett Johansson, we'd all still be Jewish.

Barack Obama called Friday for a huge hike in Social Security taxes for higher incomes. You never promise to raise taxes while running for president. Apparently bad tomatoes don't just give you salmonella, they can also give you Mondale Syndrome.

Don Rumsfeld was reported Saturday to have purchased a Vespa Italian scooter to get around his Virginia neighborhood. It goes sixty miles an hour and gets sixty miles per gallon. Say what you will about Donald Rumsfeld, but he always has a Plan B.

Exxon Mobil announced plans Friday to sell all their company-owned gas stations. It's probably due to liability costs. Last week two dozen gas station managers broke their necks from falling off the ladder they have to climb every day to raise prices.

John McCain canceled a fundraiser at Texas oilman Clayton Williams' home after reporters unearthed a rape joke the oilman cracked twenty years ago. That was a different time. People still thought rape was funny when gasoline wasn't four dollars a gallon.

John McCain's college student daughter Meghan McCain turned Republican Friday as a Fathers Day gift for her dad. She's always been an independent but she wanted to be a Republican in time for the election. The apples don't fall far from the tree.

Italy's Silvio Berlusconi endorsed John McCain because the senator is a month older than he is. The prime minister said he's tired of being labeled the oldest world leader. They both go to a tailor in Rome who specializes in orthopedic tuxedoes.

President Bush and France's President Nicolas Sarkozy together threatened Syria and Iran Saturday. Mr. Bush felt a lot less lonely when he heard the French leader is of Hungarian descent. No one ever referred to a Hungarian as Attila the Peacemaker.

Iran turned down the six-nation offer of incentives to stop uranium enrichment Saturday. It increases the chance of war with Iran. When Dick Cheney got home that night he walked through the front door and kissed Lynne like they were still teenagers.

Prince Charles paid off a three-hundred-and-fifty-seven-year-old debt Thursday owed by his ancestor Charles II to Worcester Clothiers in East Anglia. The tailor had made uniforms for the Cavaliers in the latter years of the English Civil War but he had gone unpaid due to holes in the uniforms. Baptists have always been good shots.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-16-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Barack Obama set up a website Wednesday called Stop the Smears to fire back at rumors circulating about him on the Internet. He's got to stop these rumors that he's Jesus. If he was born outside the United States he's not eligible to be president.

Tiger Woods battled knee pain over the weekend during the U.S. Open. He must not alter his swing or other muscles could go out. The golf swing is the most unnatural act in all of sports, if you don't count the Cubs having the best record in baseball.

The Weather Channel showed Mississippi River flood damage in Iowa Friday which had the nation glued to the television set. Everyone's concern is understandable. The corn crops were soaked in two feet of water and that's really bad for your engine.

Ed McMahon was reported Thursday to have blown his two hundred million dollar fortune on get-rich-quick schemes. It all came apart the last few months. He could not have picked a worse time to sink everything into the gasoline-powered typewriter.

U.S. Rep. Anthony Weiner introduced a bill on Tuesday to open up one thousand new immigrant visa slots for supermodels. New York's fashion industry needs a constant supply of new fashion models. The ones we have keep falling through the subway grates.

President Bush is scheduled to have tea with the Royal Family at Windsor Castle Sunday and then have a meeting in London the next morning with Tony Blair. He's now an emissary for Middle East peace. After Tony Blair retired he changed sides.

Pope Benedict hosted President Bush at the Vatican in Rome Friday. They met in the Vatican Gardens instead of following the usual protocol. Normally the pope meets VIPs in his library but books make President Bush break out in a rash.

President Bush spoke in Paris where he mixed up the Cold War and Civil War and got numerous names wrong. The speech was very long. Thanks to the Supreme Court's ruling Thursday he has to read the English language its rights before he tortures it.

Mike Huckabee signed to be a commentator on Fox News on Friday. It's the right move. He's very popular among social conservatives and he gets bigger laughs in his speeches than anyone, two reasons John McCain will never choose him as a running mate.

John McCain accused Democratic Senate opponents of engaging in ageism Thursday by suggesting he was confused and out of touch. This kind of gratuitous disrespect has to stop. It's not true that John McCain's so old that he has an autographed Bible.

Barack Obama called Friday for higher Social Security taxes on people who make a quarter million a year. It set off a panic among rich Democrats. At least when the Clintons are called Marxists, we know they are talking about Groucho, Harpo and Chico.

Weather Channel founder John Coleman blamed Al Gore for high gas prices Friday, adding that the global warming frenzy is a fraud and a scam. This guy owes his career to Al Gore. Thanks to all the tornadoes, hurricanes and cyclones blamed on global warming, people stay tuned to the Weather Channel for the same reason they watched CBS News every night during the Cold War, you never know if this day is going to be your last.

Katie Couric said Wednesday the coverage of the Hillary Clinton campaign shows the accepted role of sexism in America. Other critics of the coverage cite liberal peer pressure to support a black man. Both sides agree something must be done about America being the world's only superpower, the sad legacy of the straight white male.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-15-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

The Los Angeles Lakers host the Boston Celtics in Game Five of the NBA Finals today. The heat is on. Ninety percent of people in one poll think everything has been fixed, and that's just the faces and the breasts of the front row of Lakers fans.

The U.S. Open wraps up today at the Torrey Pines Golf Club located on the bluffs above Black's Beach in San Diego. It was a nude beach thirty years ago. Guys would go to the golf course for an honest round of golf and wind up on tour with Aerosmith.

Jay Leno offered to help Ed McMahon save his home from foreclosure Tuesday. He already kept his writers from losing their homes during the strike. In the future the Tonight Show will not hire anyone who doesn't sign an agreement promising to rent.

Scarlett Johansson said Wednesday she's shocked that Barack Obama takes the time to answer her e-mails. Good news at last. It's the first sign to comedians that after eight dreary years of honor and dignity in the White House, happy days are here again.

U.S. Rep. Anthony Weiner introduced a bill Tuesday to open up one thousand new immigrant visa slots for supermodels. They have no special skills needed in today's economy. As high as gas prices are, Americans don't need any lessons on how to throw up

. President Bush continued his Farewell Tour of Europe Friday with a state visit to Pope Benedict at the Vatican. It was a humbling experience for the president. Thanks to the Supreme Court's latest ruling, the pope has an Inquisition and he doesn't.

The Supreme Court ruled Thursday that terror suspects have the right of habeas corpus. It says the government can't detain you without giving you your day in court. If President Bush is handed one more defeat he will have the worst record in Major League Baseball.

The White House admitted Thursday that with six months left, administration officials are leaving in droves to find new jobs. It's a tough sell. They all face the exact same challenge, convincing prospective employers that they are stupid, not evil.

Iran said Thursday it is enriching uranium not to develop nuclear weapons but to produce electricity. That wasn't a very smart thing to say. With the electric car coming, Dick Cheney will attack anywhere to secure America's vital electricity supplies.

John McCain said Wednesday it's not important how much longer U.S. troops will be stationed in Iraq. We're starting to get the picture of how long they will be there. John McCain's idea of opposing President Bush's policy is to back statehood for Iraq.

Barack Obama said Thursday his wife Michelle never used the word Whitey during any speech she ever gave to any crowd. He also just left his church for being too militant. He figures if John McCain doesn't need the black vote to win, neither does he.

NASA launched a huge telescope into orbit Friday to get pictures of gamma rays darting around the universe. It will survey the entire sky in two orbits. If they find a gamma ray not wearing any panties they can sell the picture to Access Hollywood for big dough.

Budweiser was targeted Thursday in a hostile takeover bid by a Belgian brewery in Antwerp, as Dubai's royal family tried to buy the Chrysler Building in New York. Americans were horrified. They couldn't believe that the Japanese were willing to sell.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-13-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

President Bush will end his trip to Europe at Buckingham Palace Sunday. He has spent the entire week at five separate palaces and castles. Before you take it on yourself to democratize Iran it's important to remind yourself where you come from.

Los Angeles grocery stores began stocking tomatoes again Tuesday after the FDA said California tomatoes are safe. It's a huge relief. If it weren't for what the audiences threw at them, American Idol contestants would starve to death in Los Angeles.

NBA referee Tim Donaghy said Monday the league rigged playoff games to prolong series and favor big market teams. He said he rigged outcomes himself without anyone noticing. He wasn't caught until Oil and Gas Journal did an article on his techniques.

The U.S. Open is played this weekend at Torrey Pines Golf Club in La Jolla. Hang gliders leap off high cliffs over the ocean behind the sixth and twelfth tees. No golf course in the world gives a golfer having a really bad round more overall options.

The Weather Channel showed footage Wednesday of the Mississippi River flooding in St. Louis. It threatens river levees all the way down to New Orleans. President Bush was in Europe and unable to direct disaster aid, so sometimes you catch a break.

Mike Wallace decided to retire from CBS at age ninety on Wednesday after being on the air for sixty years. He ignored the fact that Ed McMahon wound up broke after two years of retirement. Mike Wallace lives in New York City and can take public transportation.

Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum said Tuesday it will display a wax figure of Adolf Hitler at its Berlin museum. It caused outrage. The London and New York museums agreed not to display the wax figure after word got out they're honoring a white male.

Senator Dianne Feinstein called for the Senate cafeteria to be privatized after years of losing money and serving bad food. It sounded shocking coming from her. Democrats must eat a government program before they see the wisdom of the free market.

House Democrats blocked a GOP proposal Wednesday to allow offshore oil drilling off the coast of South Florida. This could solve all our problems. After sixty years of struggle we'd finally have oil that was surrounded by Jews instead of Arabs.

President Bush met for several hours Tuesday with Germany's Chancellor Angela Merkel outside of Berlin, then they met reporters. United States troops have occupied that nation for sixty years. Under the McCain Doctrine they have to stay forty more years.

Barack Obama was blasted for telling CNBC Tuesday that rising gas prices aren't the problem, the problem is Americans use too much energy. Now it's the voters' fault. It's the first indication that Barack Obama used up all his brain cells beating Hillary.

President Bush told the British Monday he regretted that his gunslinging rhetoric before the Iraq war gave him the appearance of a warmonger. Two days later he told the Germans all options are on the table with Iran. When you're looking for your next job it's a good idea to tell the interviewer exactly what he wants to hear.

The New York Times reported Wednesday that Bill and Hillary Clinton have an enemies list, continuing the newspaper's year-long campaign comparing the Clintons to Richard Nixon. They'll have the last laugh. When Nixon finally left office, New York Times readers spent the next eighteen years turning straight to the sports page.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-12-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Hillary Clinton remained holed up inside her home in Chappaqua Tuesday for the third straight day without any public appearances. She's not upset. Just to show there's no hard feelings, she sent Barack Obama a crate of tomatoes and a horse's head.

Rodney King agreed Tuesday to be an alcohol recovery patient on the cable show Celebrity Rehab. The producers don't know what they're getting into. The episode where he describes the damage caused by his drinking will be a twelve-part miniseries.

The New York Daily News revealed Monday Roger Clemens regularly took Viagra to enhance his pitching performance. It's obvious looking back at the game tapes. Every other pitcher talking to the catcher uses the baseball glove to cover his mouth.

Tiger Woods is favored to win the U.S. Open starting today in La Jolla. He played a practice round at the course Monday where he was followed closely by a detail of San Diego police officers. It's just amazing how many people mistake him for Barack Obama.

The New York Times said Muslim women in Europe are paying plastic surgeons to restore their virginity. It's a cultural thing. After watching what happened after the Kentucky Derby, they're afraid if they blame it on horseback riding they'll get shot.

Malibu hired Ken Starr last week to draft a law to tax tabloid photographers. It's a cycle. Half the people in Hollywood are dying to be discovered so they can make it big, and the ones who've made it big have to pay lawyers to keep from being discovered.

Barack Obama's campaign reported Monday it may raise a hundred million dollars in the month of June alone. It's the best month in political fundraising history. He's lucky the Senate killed that windfall profits tax before he had to pay it himself.

Barack Obama met privately with black ministers in Chicago Tuesday. The talks were wide-ranging. They had a long discussion over whether it's more damaging for Americans to hear his pastor's latest sermon or for people to think he's a Muslim.

Hillary Clinton's campaign was reported Monday to be thirty million dollars in debt. It includes six million dollars of her money and five million dollars of Bill's money. That's still cheaper than hiring a publicist to keep them in the news every day.

U.S. Congressman Dennis Kucinich introduced thirty-five articles of impeachment against President Bush on Tuesday. This could backfire. It wipes out so many trees to print up all the offenses that Democrats will be blamed for killing the rainforest.

President Bush landed in Berlin Tuesday on the second stop of a seven-day trip, which his aides are calling the president's Farewell to Europe. That's ridiculous. Europe survived World War I and World War II, and it's going to survive George W. Bush.

Scott McClellan agreed to testify to Congress about his knowledge of the White House role in the outing of a CIA agent's identity. He served for years as White House press secretary. He resigned when it dawned on him that U.S. foreign policy is so confused that the disinformation he was intentionally handing out may actually be true.

The Gallup Poll out Tuesday showed almost sixty percent of Americans now favor offshore oil drilling and oil drilling in Alaska's wildlife refuge. In just one week, four dollar per gallon gasoline undid thirty years of environmental indoctrination. Across the country today, grade-schoolers are writing essays titled, It's Just a Moose.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-11-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Universal Studios Tours reopened Friday after a spectacular fire sent flames hundreds of feet high across the movie lot. The fire marshal made them put it out. They should have cleared it with him before they opened the Hillary in Hell Adventure.

Wisconsin was flooded Monday by high-rising rivers that carried entire houses away in the raging torrents. FEMA was right there with trailers, however they sank like a rock. President Bush vowed that next time he will wait for the water to recede.

Big Brown finished dead last in the Belmont and lost his bid to win the Triple Crown on Saturday. The race had the second tragic ending of the season. The horse was taken off steroids a month ago and he ran so slow the jockey died of malnutrition.

The U.S. Open tees off Thursday, drawing golf fans from all over the nation to La Jolla. Gas there is five dollars a gallon. Hertz is promising its best customers if they'll rent an SUV for the weekend they can be upgraded to a subcompact for free.

President Bush admitted en route to Europe that the economy is becoming a major concern. Everyone wants to help. The Los Angeles Homeless Shelter got a surprise visit from Ed McMahon Monday and an even bigger surprise request for a place to crash.

Mike Huckabee saved a North Carolina Republican from choking to death at a GOP luncheon Monday by using the Heimlich maneuver. He said it's the third time he has saved a man's life with it. Then he corrected himself and said John McCain taught it to him.

The Gallup Poll released Monday showed that only twenty-two percent of Hillary Clinton's voters will vote for Barack Obama. The media is dancing carefully around the reason why. Anyone who suggests it might be race could lose Don Imus's radio show.

Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton met Friday to plan future strategy. He needs her help with the women's vote and she will help. She needs his help to retire her campaign liability but not even Jesus Christ could force Bill Clinton to stop talking.

Gennifer Flowers and Paula Jones launched a video website Monday where you can watch them discuss Bill Clinton. It's a gold mine. They charge you two dollars to watch them talk about Bill Clinton's sex life and ten dollars to shut up and go away.

McDonald's took tomatoes off its menus Monday due to a salmonella outbreak. It is a campaign issue already. Democrats were first to point out that the difference between salmonella poisoning and John McCain is that salmonella has an exit strategy.

President Bush landed in Slovenia Monday to attend the European Union's annual summit. His staff says after the summit he will embark on a one-week valedictory tour of Europe. Seven days is long time but that's as fast as the tank will carry him.

Scott McClellan agreed Monday to testify before the House Judiciary Committee about the CIA leak scandal, reopening the can of worms over why we invaded Iraq. Scooter Libby has been convicted, Karl Rove could be indicted and Dick Cheney could be impeached. President Bush is pretty much down to denying that he ever bet on baseball.

President Bush hosted the Congressional picnic on the South Lawn Thursday. They enjoyed ribs, potato salad and corn on the cob. To make the congressmen feel at home they don't serve anything at this picnic that is not subsidized by the Farm Bill.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-10-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

General Motors extended shifts at their hybrid electric car factory last week and shut down four GM plants that make gas guzzling SUVs. Buying hybrid electric cars reduces terrorism by fifty percent. They only support Saudi Arabia while going uphill.

Burma's ruling junta arrested a popular Burmese comedian Wednesday for telling jokes about their government. It's a rapidly spreading trend. In Russia political comedians have been banned from television and in America the Clintons were canceled.

Hillary Clinton's withdrawal Saturday caused no small concern at the cable news networks. Her never-say-die battle gave them record-high ratings. To make up for her loss they just offered tornado season a six-month extension at two million a week.

Hillary Clinton agreed to suspend her campaign Saturday at the urging of party leaders. She'll miss the campaign. She would have to move to Hollywood and lose thirty years in order to get that many people to pay for her lighting, makeup and hair.

The Senate Intelligence Committee released a report Thursday saying the White House lied the nation into war with Iraq. No one's going to jail. The war was wrongly threatened and wrongly declared and wrongly waged, but it's better than no war at all.

Hollywood producer Aaron Spelling's widow Candy Spelling hit a one hundred and eighty thousand dollar jackpot from a slot machine on the Las Vegas Strip Thursday. Easy come, easy go. The next day she filled up her Escalade and lost it all.

Ed McMahon battled foreclosure on his six million dollar home in Beverly Hills Friday. There's no way he could have burned through fifty years of TV money by himself. Apparently when Johnny Carson died he left two of his ex-wives to Ed McMahon.

Oliver Stone began filming his movie about President Bush Monday. It comes out this fall. The movie covers his entire life, from his days as black sheep of the family and screw-up all the way to his days as black sheep of the family and screw-up.

Barack Obama denied the alleged existence of videotape catching Michelle Obama using the word whitey in a rant against white people. She would never have said it. Michelle Obama graduated from Harvard Law School, not Harvard Divinity School.

Senator John McCain complained on camera Friday about Democratic Party efforts to label him as the standard bearer for a Bush third term. Republicans can't get away from President Bush fast enough. Laura is this close to a guest spot on Swingtown.

The Democratic convention's opening night gala found a sponsor Friday. The bash will be paid for by a New Orleans hurricane victims fund that's run by Democrats. New Orleans citizens refused to give away any rescue money unless it went for alcohol.

Washington D.C. cops revealed a plan to check the IDs of all drivers coming into rough neighborhoods at night. It's to reduce gang activity. There's only one other way to keep suburbanites from driving into the hood, but Wal-Mart refuses to sell crack.

Robert Gates fired top Air Force officials for accidentally shipping nuclear bomb triggers to Taiwan. They had ordered batteries. Yesterday a Taiwanese soldier started his jeep and six seconds later he realized his dream of visiting the Chinese mainland.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-9-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

The Weather Channel quoted climatologists Friday forecasting unusually violent storms this summer. No one's looking forward to the hurricane season. Everyone is tired of Democrats blaming it on global warming and Republicans blaming it on al-Qaeda.

O.J. Simpson's agent wrote a book saying O.J. confessed the murders to him as they smoked pot one night. He smokes pot to help him sleep. O.J. has trouble sleeping and his doctor told him the fastest way to overcome his insomnia is by stabbing sheep.

Brigitte Bardot was fined twenty thousand dollars by a French court last week for saying she thinks the influx of Muslims is ruining France. It doesn't seem fair. Hate speech can get you jail time in France while in America it gets you a radio show.

Yves St. Laurent died last week in Paris after a long career as a women's fashion designer and clothing manufacturer. One of his inventions was the women's pantsuit. It was the turquoise polyester that Hillary wore in Puerto Rico that killed him.

Hillary Clinton's friends said Friday she would accept the vice presidency. It fits her personality. Under our current system of government, the president plays the cheerful figurehead while the vice president is in charge of conquering the world.

John McCain turned his attention to the fall election on Tuesday after the GOP primaries formally ended. The nice thing about being a Republican is that they are never torn in two along racial lines. Their idea of a man of color is George Hamilton.

President Bush extended his congratulations to Barack Obama on becoming the first African-American ever to win a major party nomination for president. However he didn't call him personally. He doesn't want to cheapen the value of winning the Super Bowl.

Barack Obama's patron Tony Rezko was convicted of fraud and money-laundering by a Chicago jury Wednesday. Miraculously, the verdict came in a day after Obama clinched the party nomination. For Barack Obama's ministers, loaves and fishes are for amateurs.

Barack Obama clinched the Democratic nomination for president Tuesday. He made history with his campaign. Until this year, millions and millions of Americans had never voted for a black man unless it was on American Idol or the All-Star ballot.

Barack Obama used a plate to catch three pancakes flipped to him from ten feet away Monday. Everyone gasped in admiration. The secret to eating three pancakes and maintaining your thirty-two inch waist is to smoke when you're wife's not looking.

President Bush welcomed the Kansas Jayhawks basketball team to the White House on Tuesday and saluted them for winning the NCAA title. These young men are going to be very rich by the end of the summer. Everyone in Kansas grows corn in the yard.

President Bush went to Ford's Theatre last Sunday, where he enjoyed a performance by the great actor Hal Holbrook. It's part of a long tradition. Every president who starts a civil war has to visit Ford's Theatre during the last year of his presidency.

West Virginia lawmakers demanded Monday that Dick Cheney apologize for cracking a joke about West Virginians being inbreds. The state only has one marriage law. Gays are not allowed to marry in West Virginia unless they can prove they are related.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-8-08

OKLAHOMA CITY--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

The Tudors was renewed for a third season by Showtime Monday. The last episode drew a massive number of viewers to see Anne Boleyn's public beheading. If Hillary Clinton doesn't behave herself, the ratings for the Democratic Convention could be huge.

Tyson Foods had to kill fifteen thousand contaminated chickens Wednesday. Bird flu has arrived from overseas. Barack Obama immediately distanced himself from pheasant under glass and John McCain demanded that the United States bomb the Canary Islands.

Vanity Fair ran an article stating Bill Clinton was playing around with models and actresses and heiresses on the road. His motives are obvious. Bill Clinton is going to keep sleeping with women until he can find one who can get elected president.

Hillary Clinton sent hints to Barack Obama's campaign Thursday that she'd like to be his vice president. It's the safe decision. His Secret Service detail has enough reasons to stay on constant alert but this would really keep them on their toes.

Gary Hart said Wednesday Hillary Clinton should fight for the nomination all the way to the convention. He said he knows what it feels like to come close. Twenty years ago Gary Hart had the nomination in his hip pocket but he couldn't get his pants on.

Barack Obama said Thursday he'd prefer to have a debate with John McCain along the lines of the Lincoln-Douglas debates. It makes no sense. How are we going to have a post-racial candidacy that kicks off with a debate on the extension of slavery?

Jimmy Carter told the London Guardian Wednesday it'll be a nightmare ticket if Barack Obama chooses Hillary Clinton to be his running mate. That's saying something. The man who believes that Hamas and Israel can find common ground thinks there is no chance of reconciliation whatsoever between Hillary Clinton and Michelle Obama.

Ed McMahon battled foreclosure on his six-million-dollar home in Beverly Hills, citing his inability to make the mortgage payments. No one can believe he's burned through fifty years of television money. He could just kick himself for buying that Hummer.

General Motors announced Tuesday it's looking to sell the manufacturing rights to its Hummer in the belief that record-high gasoline prices will continue. The vehicle gets six miles a gallon. Only the war in Iraq costs more to run than a Hummer.

New York's new state excise tax kicked in Tuesday, which caused cigarette prices to hit an astounding twelve dollars per pack in New York City. You can already see the effects. Guys have begun faking a smoker's cough in order to pick up women in bars.

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke expressed serious concerns about the U.S. dollar because its low value is a reason for high prices. One of these days God will ask to have his name removed from our money. He doesn't want to go into Chapter Eleven.

Canada's parliament sought Thursday to give U.S. military deserters sanctuary in Canada. It would help their economy. They did it for Vietnam war deserters forty years ago and it resulted in the world's finest marijuana being grown in British Columbia.

The White House sent Congress a plan to help Mexico halt drug trafficking. The police and drug dealers there are in an open war. It's breaking up families, with Baby Boomers rooting for one side and their parents and children rooting for the other.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-6-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Bill Clinton ripped Vanity Fair for its profile article on him Monday. It said he's been philandering with actresses and heiresses. If Barack Obama is going to be dignified and happily married, Democrats need the Clintons on the ticket for balance.

Hillary Clinton dropped hints to Barack Obama's campaign Tuesday she might want to be his running mate. She'd be a great choice. Hillary's been Plan B every night for the past thirty-two years, so there is nobody more qualified to be vice president.

John McCain criticized Barack Obama's policies toward Iraq and Iran in a speech Monday. The GOP candidate pulled no punches. He said Obama's policies would turn the Middle East into sheer chaos, as opposed the yoga class that's going on there now.

Susan Sarandon declared Saturday that she will move to Canada or Italy if John McCain gets elected president of the United States in November. It's a two-way street. Roman Polanski vowed he will move back to America if the Clintons get elected.

Father Michael Pfleger was suspended by the Chicago archbishop Tuesday for his rant mocking Hillary at Obama's church. It made the church look terrible. Whoever thought that sex scandals involving altar boys would be considered the good old days?

Big Brown will run for the Triple Crown in the Belmont Stakes Saturday despite a quarter crack in his front left foot. Everyone's following the story. His trainer said the crack is no big deal and Tatum O'Neal asked him to be a witness at her trial.

Tatum O'Neal was arrested in New York Sunday for attempting to purchase drugs on the street. Cops saw her trying to buy crack cocaine from a homeless guy. It's nice to see those six hundred dollar stimulus checks going for their intended purpose.

Texas Rangers took four hundred kids home to a polygamist ranch Tuesday. A few men there have hundreds of children by dozens of wives. Texas courts won't crack down on it because they're afraid the precedent would ruin relations with Saudi Arabia.

Amish farmers in Ohio began organizing a co-op to grow organic food Monday. They say that growing high-demand organic food strengthens the Amish way of life. With gas at a four dollars a gallon, the Amish way of life is picking up new converts daily.

General Motors said Tuesday it will close four SUV and truck plants while adding a third shift at two GM hybrid electric car factories. That's the good news. The bad news is that wildcatters working a new field in Saudi Arabia last night struck electricity.

Congress heard testimony blaming oil prices on money managers who play the oil commodities market with retirement funds. It's an evil plot. Retirement funds are pushing up the price of oil so high that no one will ever be able to afford to retire.

Formula One president Max Mosley was permitted to keep his job Tuesday despite being videotaped getting spanked by hookers dressed like Gestapo officers. It's no big deal. How many times do the Puritans need to be told that it's just sex and Nazis?

Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez enacted a new intelligence law by decree this week. Human rights activists say it's a danger to civil liberties and will lead to a crackdown on dissent. Dick Cheney refers to the measure as the gal that got away.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-5-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

The Boston Celtics host the Los Angeles Lakers tonight in Game One of the NBA Finals. Fans can't wait. This match-up is one of the great sports rivalries, like the Yankees vs. the Red Sox, the Cowboys vs. the Redskins and Charles Barkley vs. House Odds.

Universal Studios in Hollywood had a spectacular fire Sunday. The response was admittedly slow. The firetruck ran out of gas on the way to the studio and they had to put a measure on the November ballot to raise enough money to fill it up again.

Hillary Clinton claimed the popular vote victory in the Democratic presidential primaries in her election-night speech Tuesday. It's so sad. She wound up with more votes than Barack Obama, and so under U.S. Supreme Court precedent the winner is Barack Obama.

Barack Obama gave a stem-winding speech to thousands in Minneapolis Tuesday. He really is the candidate of change. In the last month alone the Ku Klux Klan has changed their policy and now welcomes black preachers and Catholic priests as members.

Senator John McCain launched his general election campaign with a speech in New Orleans Tuesday before hundreds of Republican supporters. The senator still needs to work on his delivery. Wilfred Brimley gets more applause selling diabetes supplies.

The Texas Supreme Court ordered the Texas polygamist families to be reunited on Monday.`It's baffling. The families are ordered to attend parenting classes and marriage counseling, which saves money because they are one and the same in this case.

President Bush gave the commencement speech at Furman University Saturday. His family does these a lot. Barbara Bush told Wellesley graduates eighteen years ago they would never regret the decision to have children, although you wonder if she'd say that today.

Barack Obama underwent a purification ceremony with the Crow Indians in Montana ahead of Tuesday's primary. His adopted Crow father Hartford Black Eagle prayed over him. Barack Obama only prays with religious leaders who have a grudge against white people.

Barack Obama announced on the campaign trail Saturday that he's resigning from his church. The very next day Hillary Clinton trounced Obama in the Puerto Rico primary by a two-to-one margin. It was God's way of saying that two can play this game.

Hillary Clinton won the Puerto Rico primary Sunday by a huge margin. She vowed to the crowd in her victory speech that she's going to fight on and on. And that's just with Bill Clinton about all the women who were named in the Vanity Fair article.

Vanity Fair reported Bill Clinton was confronted by aides for carrying on with women. Who cares anymore? He's at the point where we all know it's a disease, and as long as he's kept away from sugar or caffeine his handlers can control him with sticks.

Dick Cheney told a crowd Monday that there are Cheneys on both sides of his family, then he cracked a West Virginia incest joke. He said he can get away with it because he's not running for re-election. This is the same rationale he's using to attack Iran.

The Supreme Court ruled that Major League Baseball has no right to control the billion and a half dollar fantasy leagues business Monday. You can't make it up. Baseball is so boring without steroids that leagues are popping up with Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens on their rosters and they are making more money than the real teams.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-4-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Vanity Fair reported Sunday Bill Clinton has been carrying on with a ravishing entourage of women. Reaction was swift. His heart surgeon came to work at Columbia Presbyterian Hospital on Monday and found himself booked up for the next twenty years.

Hillary Clinton won the Puerto Rico Democratic presidential primary Sunday and she vowed to fight on. There's no reasoning with her. You can tell a Cubs fan that they've been mathematically eliminated on the first of June but they never believe it.

Barack Obama quit Chicago's Trinity United Church of Christ after another rant from the pulpit against white people. It's a militant church. Every Christmas the manger scene on the church lawn shows four Los Angeles cops standing over Rodney King.

John McCain visited Walter Reed Hospital Saturday but his staff refused to say why. It's no secret why. The cable news networks were so busy covering Hillary and Obama that John McCain went in for a colonoscopy just to get a little camera time.

Father Michael Pfleger apologized Sunday for remarks he made mocking Hillary Clinton at Obama's Chicago church. He can't believe the uproar. For the last four hundred years, raging against English Protestants got a guy promoted in his line of work.

Adolf Hitler's rocket scientist Ernst Stuhlinger died at ninety-two Friday. He was captured by U.S. troops and taken to America, where he devised guidance systems for NASA rockets and ICBMs. Only Mel Gibson was forgiven faster, and for the same thing.

Sex and the City was a hit Saturday about four fashion-loving women living the high life in New York. Not everybody enjoyed the movie. Straight men have begun picketing the theaters showing the movie demanding that the writers go back on strike.

Big Brown will go for the Triple Crown at the Belmont in New York on Saturday. His owners won't see a profit until he is put out to stud. This year the thoroughbred has won ten million dollars, but that doesn't nearly cover the price of his corn feed.

Al-Qaeda leaders found themselves facing protests from Muslim extremist women on Sunday. The women are upset al-Qaeda only allows men to become top terrorists. There's nothing so frustrating for women as being unable to blow up the glass ceiling.

Democratic Party officials agreed to seat the rule-breaking Michigan and Florida delegations at the Denver convention. However, they will get only a half-vote per person. It's the same deal Southern states got after the war for the next eighty years.

President Bush sent a memo to the Defense Secretary and the Interior Secretary asking them to look into making Pearl Harbor a national monument. It isn't really needed. Oil company executives are way too superstitious to drill in a place like that.

White House former spokesman Scott McClellan said Sunday President Bush should have fired Karl Rove for leaking CIA spy Valerie Plame's identity. Mr. Bush ordered Scooter Libby and Karl Rove to leak away. It's no accident that Viagra was invented during the Clinton administration and Flomax was invented in the Bush administration.

The Ford Theatre Society Sunday completed its fundraising for renovation. It's where Abe Lincoln was assassinated. He tried to hold America together and was shot for it, which explains why nobody will step forward to end the Democratic primary race.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-3-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Barack Obama posed for cameras Friday at Mount Rushmore. It displays the faces of two slaveowners, an imperialist, and a guy who suspended habeas corpus. You'd think his campaign would be a bit more careful about who gets into a picture with him.

Oliver Stone signed Richard Dreyfuss to play Dick Cheney in his new movie about the life of President Bush. The actor lobbied hard for the role. Richard Dreyfuss worked with a great white shark in the movie Jaws, and he's always wanted to play one.

Big Brown could win the Triple Crown in the Belmont Saturday. He just sold for stud at a record price. His value went up even higher when breeders realized that riding him to work every day would save them five thousand dollars a year in gasoline.

The space shuttle took off for the Space Station Saturday to repair its busted toilet. It was built and installed by the Russians. The Pentagon used to charge NASA six thousand dollars per toilet and they have never looked like a bigger bargain.

Geraldine Ferraro accused Barack Obama on Friday of hiding behind his race to avoid criticism in the campaign. For her, it's about women's rights. She's angry that a black man will get to lose in a landslide to a white war hero when it's a woman's turn.

Barack Obama apologized for his pal Father Michael Pfleger's anti-white sermon at Obama's church last Sunday. These old radicals could bring him down. Every time Barack Obama and Patty Hearst are in the same room they have to pretend like they never met.

Hillary Clinton drank with reporters on her plane Friday and was photographed dancing in the aisle, holding a glass and looking tipsy. God has a plan for everybody. If she can't be the next Margaret Thatcher maybe she can be the next Betty Ford.

Hillary Clinton promised Sunday to resolve Puerto Rico's commonwealth status when she is president. Island residents enjoy the full rights and protection of the United States but they pay no U.S. income taxes. Wesley Snipes's birthday is a holiday in Puerto Rico.

Bob Dole ripped former White House spokesman Scott McClellan for writing a tell-all about the Bush administration. He called McClellan a miserable creature. A recommendation like that is enough to get you a job at any talent agency in Hollywood.

Scott McClellan denounced the Bush administration for its culture of secrecy in his new book. He said they use extraordinary means to keep things quiet. There's a sign on the wall in the press secretary's office that reads Loose Lips Elect Democrats.

South Dakota and Montana will vote today in the last contest of the Democratic primary. All eyes will be on Hillary to see if she calls it quits or vows to press ahead with a convention fight. She was last seen consulting a genealogist to see if she's got enough Stuart blood in her to claim she's the rightful Queen of England.

Denver's Jeff Peckman petitioned city officials to set up an Extraterrestrial Affairs Department to plan for an alien landing. Denver is the closest city to outer space. At least it has been ever since Jerry Brown moved out of the California governor's mansion.

Hugh Hefner said Thursday he wants to produce a movie of his life and he wants Robert Downey Jr. to play him. The publisher has been always an amateur theologian. Hugh Hefner was a son of a Methodist minister and Easy Grace was his first centerfold.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-2-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Disneyland closed It's a Small World for refitting Thursday because overweight children made the boats scrape bottom. That's how this decade will be remembered. We may be bogged down in Iraq, but elastic waistbands have been driven to their knees.

The La Scala Opera House in Italy announced it will commission and stage an opera of Al Gore's documentary, An Inconvenient Truth. The former vice president wasn't entirely pleased by the news. Al's a baritone so he has to play an oil company.

Bill Murray was accused by his wife in divorce papers of being a pot and booze hound who always trolls for new sex partners. He's fifty-seven. It's a lesson for young people about the long and full life you can enjoy if you stay away from cocaine.

Sharon Stone apologized Friday for saying China's earthquake was caused by China's bad karma. It was a costly gaffe for the actress. She lost her Christian Dior account, and hell will freeze over before she has her own line of jeans at Wal-Mart.

UCLA Medical Center admitted Friday that its doctors recently performed a life-saving liver transplant on a Japanese man who is the most powerful crime boss in Tokyo. After all, they did take an oath. People who pay cash go to the top of the list.

Barack Obama's doctor released his medical records Thursday and told reporters that the candidate has been chewing on Nicorette gum for two years to try to stop smoking. How tough is it to beat nicotine addiction? It's easier to withdraw from Iraq.

Dick Cheney spoke at a GOP fundraising dinner in Chicago Thursday and declared that the war in Iraq has been a brilliant success. We rebuilt Japan, we rebuilt Germany and Iraq is now enjoying one hundred and thirty dollar a barrel oil. We are lucky al-Qaeda didn't surrender to us or they'd have a nuclear power plant by now.

Brazil natives untouched by civilization tried to down a Cessna using bows and arrows Friday. They live without electricity, running water, sanitation or roads. People gripe about British colonialism unless they're the people who missed out on it.

Barack Obama's church congregation roared with laughter Sunday as a white guest priest went wild onstage mocking white people and white entitlement. It's a total sacrilege. Richard Pryor's material is holy and must never be attempted by white guys.

Barack Obama apologized for his friend, Catholic priest Michael Pfleger, who went on a racial rant while he was the guest preacher at Obama's Trinity United Church of Christ in Chicago on Sunday. The priest has called Louis Farrakhan a gift from God, infuriating Jewish groups. The good news is Mel Gibson has a new place to worship.

The Archbishop of Chicago rebuked Father Pfleger for his racial rant at Obama's church. He denounced white people, and compared the U.S. to a serial rapist. Under Catholic church law priests aren't allowed to discuss rape unless they been subpoenaed.

John McCain proposed a new League of Democracies Friday saying this would help the next president advance his global agenda and secure the leadership role for the U.S. It was originally Woodrow Wilson's idea. John McCain is the guy he stole it from.

Susan Sarandon vowed to move to Canada if McCain gets elected president. Last time, Martin Sheen and Barbra Streisand said they'd move to Canada if Bush was re-elected. All they had to so was express a little appreciation for their country and they could have spent the rest of their lives selling out showrooms in Branson.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-1-08

BEVERLY HILLS--God bless America, and how's everybody?

The FBI interviewed Roger Clemens's lover Mindy McCready to ask her if he took steroids. She was one of his many simultaneous affairs. The pitcher's dream was to be the first Texan with three hundred wins and the second Texan with four hundred kids.

Sharon Stone's movies were banned in China after she said China deserved an earthquake for how it treats Tibet. It's just as well. The last thing a nation with a billion people needs to see is a Hollywood bombshell who doesn't wear any underwear.

Sex and the City premiered at Radio City Music Hall, garnering rave reviews for Cynthia Nixon. It left New Yorkers quite self-satisfied. Where else but in New York can you pay to see a singing Hitler, a dancing Frankenstein, or Nixon in a mini-skirt?

The Auto Club ran a nationwide survey which found Oklahomans use more gasoline per capita than Americans in any other state. Residents of the Sooner State burn an average of nearly two gallons a day. It's either that or let the tornado catch you.

Barack Obama could clinch the nomination over Hillary Clinton if he sweeps the primaries Tuesday. What an amazing feat. It would be the first time a black guy ever beat a white woman and didn't need an L.A. jury to keep from going to prison for it.

Nepal's parliament abolished the monarchy after two hundred and forty years Friday to become a republic. The nation boasts Mt. Everest. Getting through the next seven months without an impeachment trial is now the second highest mountain for Republicans to climb.

White House former spokesman Scott McClellan set off a political earthquake in Washington with his tell-all on the Bush administration. It's not a glorious story. President Bush authorized three invasions and only the colonoscopy has been a success.

Scott McClellan blasted the president in his new book, but mystified co-workers insist it doesn't sound like Scott at all. This is war. No sooner does NASA land a craft on Mars than the former White House spokesman gets taken over by space aliens.

Scott McClellan wrote in his new book that President Bush manipulated facts to sell the Iraq war. In fairness, it must be remembered that Saddam Hussein was a murderous tyrant. In sixty years of nation-building the CIA has never installed one philosopher.

Scott McClellan said President Bush couldn't remember if he did cocaine. That's unlikely. Cocaine gives you an exaggerated sense of confidence and self-worth and he's too cheap to pay a hundred dollars for something he got for free from his parents.

Father Michael Pfleger preached at Barack Obama's church, where he stoked racial fires. He said Hillary was an example of white entitlement, but when the black crowd roared with laughter he looked confused. It was always an applause line at the Rotary.

Susan Sarandon vowed Friday to move to Italy if John McCain gets elected. Last time she said she would move to Canada if Bush got re-elected. Every four years she likes to advertise that she's willing to work on location and pay her own expenses.

U.S. Airways announced Wednesday that to make up for high fuel costs the airline will eliminate all peanuts and cookies and pretzel snacks on all domestic flights. It is a terrible idea. The pilots will get drunk that much faster on an empty stomach.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio