Argus Hamilton's column for 5-30-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

White House former spokesman Scott McClellan says in his new book the Iraq war was started with propaganda. The administration had claimed Saddam was a nuclear threat. It turns out the real reason we overthrew him was he refused to charge enough for oil.

Sharon Stone caused outrage in China Thursday when she told reporters that the earthquakes were caused by China's bad karma. Never make the mistake of arguing with idiots. They just drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

Nepal said Monday a record number of people scaled Mt. Everest this month. They were picking up their cars. People everywhere have figured out that the best way to beat the high cost of gasoline is to ship your car to Mt. Everest, then steer downhill.

NASA rushed to fit plumbing parts into the cargo hold of the space shuttle Discovery, which takes off Saturday, because the toilet on the International Space Station is broken. The cost is enormous. Everybody knows that plumbers charge extra on Saturdays.

President Bush gave the commencement speech at the Air Force Academy in Colorado Springs on Wednesday. He told the Academy graduates that in Iraq we are learning as we go. Because President Bush is a legacy he didn't have to apply to get into Iraq.

Jenna Bush told Ellen DeGeneres she can marry her girlfriend at the Bush ranch in Crawford. They forget this is Texas. It's pushing too hard to ask Confederate states to vote for Barack Obama and approve homosexual marriage in the same millennium.

John McCain and Barack Obama spent the entire week campaigning in Nevada, New Mexico and Colorado. Western states will be a real battleground. Notice that once they get west of Oklahoma and Texas, their opposition to polygamy becomes more nuanced.

Hillary Clinton insisted Wednesday in South Dakota that she is the most electable Democrat. She's nothing if not optimistic. Hillary spoke at a Memorial Day picnic, and when a bugler played Taps she told him to stop trying to push her out of the race.

Hillary Clinton posed for photographers at Mount Rushmore Wednesday with Jefferson, Washington, Lincoln and Teddy Roosevelt behind her. We learned nothing new. For eight years we have known that you can have rocks in your head and still be president.

Barack Obama mistakenly said Monday his uncle helped to free Auschwitz in World War II when actually it was Buchenwald, as the Russians liberated Auschwitz. It's not the first time he's been insensitive to Jewish concerns. When Barack Obama was a community organizer in Chicago, he once hosted a Passover seder at Der Wienerschnitzel.

Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert was urged to resign Wednesday after a New York businessman testified he gave him sacks of cash, free hotel rooms and free plane flights. That kind of misconduct in office isn't tolerated in America. It's re-elected.

FEMA told emergency trailer park residents to leave and find housing by Sunday so they can get the trailers out of Louisiana before hurricane season. There are also legal reasons. Black people living inside trailer parks is a violation of redneck copyright.

The Department of Health reported the percentage of overweight kids in America decreased for the first time in a quarter century. Four dollars per gallon was the key. Parents are now starving their children just to get better gas mileage in the SUV.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 5-29-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

The Weather Channel followed an Oklahoma tornado's path Saturday for the first time from news choppers live. It was riveting. Slow-speed car chases in L.A. had the sick feeling they were about to lose their TV show to a younger and hotter phenomenon.

Indiana Jones was denounced by Russia's Communist Party Monday. They don't like the way the film portrays communists as evil and ruthless. They paid a lot of money to infiltrate Hollywood to make sure every evil and ruthless villain is a capitalist.

St. Paul's minor league baseball team announced it will give Larry Craig Bobble-Foot Dolls to fans next week, with doll-sized toilet stalls sold separately. That's just not right. It's the senators that are for sale, the toilets have always been free.

The Indianapolis 500 boasted its deepest field of superstar drivers in history on Memorial Day following the recent American open-field merger. The race did make one concession to the skyrocketing price of gasoline. They put two drivers in each car.

Congress gave out billions to farmers Wednesday by passing the farm bill. Life is good on the prairie. If you think Big Brown commands high stud fees, polygamists in Texas are getting three hundred dollars a child from the president's stimulus package.

Hillary Clinton reminded reporters Friday that Bobby Kennedy was assassinated while campaigning in June. She was making the case that anything can still happen. Her campaign pollster has assured her that nothing sells like optimism and gun rights.

Bill Clinton admonished reporters covering the campaign in South Dakota Sunday, saying the media is not reporting polls which show that only Hillary can beat John McCain in November. He said this is the biggest cover-up he's ever seen. He's far too modest.

Barack Obama gave his Memorial Day speech in Las Cruces Monday. He praised the long line of fallen heroes and added he saw some of them in the crowd. So many dead people vote for him in Chicago, perhaps some of them are still wintering in New Mexico.

Cindy McCain released two-year-old tax returns indicating she made six million dollars from her family business. She inherited a huge beer distributorship and was a rodeo queen. Any guy who'd cheat on that doesn't have the judgment to be president.

John McCain's presidential eligibility was questioned Friday when records surfaced allegedly showing he was born outside the U.S. Canal Zone in Panama. It explains his passion to help Hispanics cross the border and find work in Arizona. He's one of them.

President Bush observed Memorial Day by going on network television and giving a live speech to a gathered assembly from Arlington National Cemetery. The nation could only listen somberly. It was another painful reminder that he's still president.

President Bush was at Ft. Bragg Friday to give a speech demanding that Congress pass war funding. The fort was named after Confederate General Braxton Bragg, who never won a battle. Most presidents stare at the Lincoln Memorial for inspiration.

Former White House press secretary Scott McClellan slammed President Bush in his new book for being devious and dishonest in taking the nation to war in Iraq, and he calls the war the costliest blunder in American history. Maybe the president hasn't given up golf after all. The Pentagon's code name for the attack on Iran is Operation Mulligan.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 5-28-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull opened Friday with Harrison Ford as a swashbuckling archaeologist. Everybody loves him. It gives people hope that gasoline prices will come down when they see somebody discovering dinosaur bones.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell declared that teams will be responsible for their player behavior. Old habits die hard. Three players knelt at the altar at church Sunday and tried to stuff a twenty dollar bill down the robe of their communion server.

Hillary Clinton said Tuesday she will carry her fight for Florida and Michigan delegates to the convention. Picture a riot on the floor between sexually abandoned older women and hillbillies going at it with nubile coeds and black militants. If Oprah Winfrey and Jerry Springer ever did a show together it would look just like this.

Dick Cheney gave the commencement speech to the graduating seniors at the Coast Guard Academy last Wednesday. He gave the entire speech wearing a ten-gallon cowboy hat. Horses haven't had a bad enough month, now people are riding them into the ocean.

Israel said Wednesday it's holding peace talks with Syria. The White House said it has no objections. The bell went off at the Associated Press teletype machine in every newsroom when it was announced the White House had no objections to peace talks.

United Parcel Service celebrated Big Brown being named for the UPS advertising slogan by starting a charity to aid horses. The Fed Ex slogan was never considered. Nobody will bet on any horse that's guaranteed to arrive by nine o'clock the next day.

The Los Angeles Lakers play the San Antonio Spurs and the Boston Celtics play the Detroit Pistons in NBA conference finals. The playoffs have been a long slog. Hillary Clinton was last seen telling the Cleveland Cavaliers we can still win this thing.

President Bush and Dick Cheney were reported on Tuesday to be urging an attack on Iran despite misgivings by aides and allies like Germany. Germany's opposition to the attack is worrisome. The Babe Ruth of war thinks it's unnecessarily aggressive.

President Bush vetoed the three hundred billion dollar farm bill Wednesday but Congress promptly overrode him. It is out of hand. Mitch McConnell got a six hundred thousand dollar subsidy just to pay the college kids in Lexington to stop growing pot.

Houston was attacked by Rasberry Crazy Ants Wednesday which arrived on a cargo ship. The ants swarm into electrical boxes and destroy all the wiring. The price of scrap metal being what it is nowadays, all the species are scavenging for survival.

NBC published a paperback book called To Catch a Predator to capitalize on the popularity of the NBC Dateline show hosted by Chris Hansen. It's no secret why the show is so tremendously popular. To Catch a Predator is American Idol for pedophiles.

The U.S. Court of Appeals said U.S. currency discriminates against the blind. They say they can't tell the difference between denominations. Even a blind person should be able to figure out the Baptists vote Republican and the Episcopalians vote Democrat.

Charles Barkley said he paid the four hundred thousand dollar debt to the Wynn hotel. He was finally able to come up with the money. It was a stroke of genius to tell the TNT audience to go to CharlesBarkley.com and give whatever they could.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 5-27-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Memorial Day was observed nationwide on Monday as Americans attempted to enjoy themselves the best they could. It was a challenge to hold backyard barbecues and picnics. Lighter fluid is so expensive that arsonists are booked up through Labor Day.

The Atlanta Falcons signed rookie quarterback Matt Ryan Thursday. That settles the future quarterback question. All Michael Vick can do is watch the Democratic presidential primaries from prison and wonder what the hell is wrong with dogfighting.

John McCain's aides said Thursday they will release all the candidate's health records and make his doctors available to reporters for questions. Concerns were raised because he was shot down and beaten in captivity. First wives never go quietly.

President Bush signed a bill banning HMOs from refusing to ensure patients due to genetic predisposition. What a relief. It guarantees the Bush twins will continue to receive health insurance even though they have a family history of attacking Iraq.

Dick Cheney discussed the Iraq War at the Coast Guard Academy graduation last week. He expressed his vehement opposition to premature withdrawal. He saw Justice Scalia's nine children on CBS' 60 Minutes and he knows the rhythm method doesn't work.

UPS set up a charity in honor of Kentucky Derby filly Eight Belles. That's the filly that was put down after finishing second. Hillary Clinton just asked all her supporters to go to NinthBelle.com and donate to her campaign before it's too late.

The San Francisco Wax Museum removed Barry Bonds's statue Tuesday. His murals and home-run markers and locker have been removed from the Giants' ballpark. He could have murdered Jeff Kent at second base and there would be no evidence he was ever in town.

President Bush was reported Tuesday to be pushing for an attack on Iran before he leaves the Oval Office. He's acting like the last five years in Iraq didn't happen. Everybody has a photographic memory, it's just that some people don't have film.

President Bush issued an order Wednesday allowing Americans to send cellphones to people in Cuba. That's humane. Cubans are still driving fifty-year-old U.S. cars made in Detroit and one of these days they're going to break down and need a tow truck.

Congress vowed Monday to delay a big arms sale to Saudi Arabia to try to force them to increase oil production. Arms dealers have an irresistible sales pitch to countries in the Middle East. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Jerusalem city officials banned posters for Sex and the City last week, saying the word sex shouldn't be posted in the holy city. Good luck to them. Preventing an onslaught of violence is a whole lot easier than preventing an onslaught of Sarah Jessica Parker.

Microsoft chairman Steve Ballmer had eggs thrown at him by a Hungarian student at a college gig in Budapest. He made a rookie mistake. You're supposed to open with the Gypsy joke in Warsaw and the Polish joke in Budapest and he got it backwards.

The Interior Department put polar bears on the endangered species list because their sea-ice habitat is melting. However, it added that nothing done to protect the bears can harm the U.S. economy. No one wants to say the economy is endangered, but we will be feeding our children to these polar bears if food gets any more expensive.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 5-26-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Charles Barkley admitted he owes a fortune to Las Vegas casinos Monday. It was no secret around town that he has a problem. The last time Charles Barkley was in Las Vegas he walked into the Crazy Horse Strip Club and made it rain with food stamps.

Steven Spielberg's Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull did huge box office Wednesday. He's got the touch. Steven Spielberg once had a kidney stone removed at Cedars Sinai Hospital and it made sixty million dollars its first week out.

The Phoenix Mars lander will land on the red planet's northern pole Sunday and begin searching for signs of life. It's an administration pet project. Republicans believe as an article of faith that there has to be cheaper labor out there somewhere.

Modern Bride advertised a men's watch that buzzes every year, a week before the wedding anniversary. There's a new card on the market for guys who forget their anniversary. It's small, it's personalized, and it maxes out at five thousand dollars.

Double amputee Oscar Pistorius was ruled eligible to run in the Olympic Games Monday by an arbitration board. They said his carbon blades don't give him an unfair advantage. Saudi Arabia's shoplifting team was promptly named the favorite to bring home the gold.

Defense Secretary Robert Gates and Secretary of State Condi Rice were reported by Israeli media last week to be using all their influence to prevent a U.S. attack on Iran. President Bush and Dick Cheney want to attack. By now it's a rite of spring.

John McCain's presidential eligibility was questioned on Monday. He might have been born in a hospital in Panama outside the U.S. canal zone. Suspicions arose when his mom showed reporters the congratulations card she got from Ferdinand and Isabella.

The Gutenberg Bible goes on display at New York's Morgan Library Tuesday where the public is invited to see the six hundred year old book. The Bible was the first printed work in the world. Even then publishers wouldn't take a chance on a new author.

Senator Robert Byrd endorsed Barack Obama for president Monday. He once belonged to the Ku Klux Klan. You would be in the nuthouse today if five years ago you had told anybody that Jeremiah Wright and Robert Byrd would be backing the same candidate.

GOP Congressman Vito Fossella said Tuesday he won't seek re-election. A recent drunk driving arrest revealed he had a mistress and a love child by her. It's human nature to think that the arresting officer will let you go if you tell him everything.

Hillary Clinton begged super-delegates for their convention votes Monday. They are elected officials and party elders who are given enough convention votes to overturn an elected nominee. Years ago a small group of well-connected politicians would determine the party nominee in a smoke-filled room and today there's no smoking.

Kentucky went strong for Hillary Clinton in Tuesday's primary. State residents had to spend all night watching cable news pundits call them uneducated, poor and overwhelmingly white. They're horrified that anyone would suggest they have mixed blood.

Barack Obama drew seventy-two thousand people to a campaign rally in Oregon on Sunday. The number of attendees was astounding. It was marketing genius to put up a sign at the park entrance that morning which read Dollar a Gallon Gas---Six O'Clock.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 5-25-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

John McCain laid off the fifth lobbyist on his campaign staff on Monday. He's even been accused of having an affair with a female lobbyist, but nobody bought it. He has reached the age where all the numbers in his little black book are urologists.

Charles Barkley was warned by Las Vegas prosecutors Friday to pay the gambling markers he owes the Wynn hotel. The last time he was in Las Vegas he called the Gamblers Anonymous hotline and said he had a gambling problem. He was holding an ace and a six.

Harrison Ford was honored by the Archaeological Institute of America Monday for playing Indiana Jones. He was mortified. In Hollywood the only thing worse for an actor than a Lifetime Achievement Award is attracting the attention of archaeologists.

The Tampa Bay Rays announced a financing plan Thursday for a new ballpark. The current stadium has a dome the color and shape of an orange, since Tropicana is the stadium sponsor. It was almost sponsored by Hooters but it's too near the airport.

Emily and Jacob were the most popular names for newborn babies in America last year, according to the government. How wise. If you don't want to risk your babies being adopted by Madonna or Angelina Jolie you have to give them proper English names.

The Jerusalem Post reported Tuesday President Bush wants to attack Iran before the end of his term in office. Iran is three times the size of Iraq, its nuclear facilities are hidden underground beneath thick concrete protection and the population is heavily pro-American. And you thought nothing could make the Iraq policy look good.

Barack Obama vowed his support for universal health care in America Monday. He admitted that private medical insurers will be reluctant to part with their high profit. Some HMO's are so stingy they send you to a schizophrenic for a second opinion.

Formula One president Max Mosley must face a disciplinary board in Paris next week. He was videotaped being spanked by five hookers dressed as Nazi soldiers. When he heard he was going before a disciplinary board he asked if they take traveler's checks.

The Commerce Department made plans on Monday to offer Americans prizes to fill out their census forms. How else can it be accurate? The last count raised eyebrows when it showed there's only two million Californians and all of them are twenty-three.

NBC's Law and Order aired an episode on Tuesday about a New York governor who's found to be a client of a Manhattan call girl ring. However, this is television. The whore-mongering governor doesn't go to jail, he gets spun off into his own series.

The Democratic Convention issued rules for Denver food vendors Monday that said no fried food may be served and that everything they serve must be freshly grown. This could be one wild convention. They only thing that's fresh in Colorado is Coors.

The U.N. Human Rights Commission went on a tour Tuesday to investigate racism in America. It's just unfair. It's not enough that Hillary's voters have to be ridiculed by NBC News anchors every night, now a U.N. commission is coming to take their inventory.

The Cannes Film Festival is held this week on France's Mediterranean coast. They are screening the year's upcoming movies. For two weeks a year this seaside resort becomes the world capital of greed, vanity and ego, and then it returns to Los Angeles.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 5-23-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Triple Crown contender Big Brown's breeding rights were sold to Three Chimneys Farm in Kentucky before the Preakness Saturday. The farm bought his stud rights for fifty million dollars. Only Katie Holmes ever made a bigger bet that a guy wasn't gay.

Jimmy Carter's Habitat for Humanity said it's made good use of the foreclosure crisis. They're scooping up foreclosed properties at bargain prices. Jimmy Carter can't throw the families out fast enough so he can give the homes to deserving families.

John McCain dumped his finance co-chairman Sunday in a continuing effort to get all the lobbyists off his campaign staff. Everyone close to him is a lobbyist. Last night Cindy came to bed wearing a blue nightgown saying Viva Viagra on the front.

Barack Obama blamed his struggle in Kentucky on the influence of Fox News Monday. This is nuts. You know the world is upside down when the Yankees are in last place, the Cubbies are in first place and Fox News is accused of helping the Clintons.

Mike Huckabee made a pitch to be John McCain's running mate Sunday. He'd bring Jesus and the South to the ticket. Add that to McCain's beer distributorship and chest full of medals and the capital will have to be moved from Washington to Richmond.

Barack Obama went on ABC's Good Morning America on Monday and warned Republicans to lay off his wife during the upcoming election. They're happy to do it. There's nothing that gets a Republican's blood pumping like the prospect of laying someone off.

Hillary Clinton went to a Methodist church in Kentucky Sunday and got a sermon on adultery. Imagine her bewilderment. It was Trinity Sunday on the church calendar and the last thing Hillary wanted to be reminded about was Gennifer, Paula and Monica.

Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senator Larry Craig co-sponsored an amendment letting illegal aliens work on U.S. farms. They have their reasons. She wants to lower food prices and he wants to meet guys who are away from their families and might be lonely.

President Bush reluctantly agreed Monday to stop purchasing oil to fill the Strategic Petroleum Reserve. He had to be stopped. He already drained the nation's Strategic Patience Reserve and now the next president will have to get us out of Iraq.

Palestinian leaders disowned Osama bin Laden's statement of support Monday. No one can believe even terrorists are distancing themselves from him. If they had any initiative they would invite him over for coffee, then turn him in for the reward money.

Hank Aaron gave the commencement speech at Concordia University Saturday where he said he still considers himself the home-run king. He's within his rights. The only reason we are not still part of Britain is so everyone can consider himself king.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 5-22-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull came out starring Harrison Ford. Everybody is watching the box office. If movie audiences accept a sixty-five-year-old man as an action hero, John McCain is only a fedora and a bullwhip away from the presidency.

Al Gore was awarded a million-dollar prize for environmental work Monday. He's won an Oscar, an Emmy, a Grammy and a Nobel Prize. Everyone wants to do something for the environment and they would rather give an award to Al Gore than give up driving.

NASA's Phoenix Mars lander will touch down near the planet's north pole Sunday. It will spend ninety days digging up soil with a backhoe. China's worried that the U.S. has finally found someplace with fewer environmental and labor protections than they have.

John McCain and Barack Obama conducted a war of words Monday over whether a U.S. president should talk to Iran. Iran is beside the point. If the candidates want to establish peace and stop the killing, one of them needs to talk to the Weather Channel.

Senator Robert Byrd of West Virginia endorsed Senator Barack Obama Monday. The ninety-year-old senator has apologized for his long-ago membership in the Ku Klux Klan. Right after the endorsement the Ku Klux Klan apologized for ever letting him in.

Senator Barack Obama campaigned for Native American votes in Crow Agency, Montana, on Monday. He was made an honorary member of the Crow Nation and given his own tribal name. It means One Who Must Never Be Criticized or His Jaw Will Shatter.

The White House accused NBC News of deceitful editing of the president's reply to an NBC reporter's question about Iran Sunday. He has a point. NBC News made the president look quick-triggered and ill-informed, and that's the State Department's job.

New York GOP Congressman Vito Fossella faces a judge for a drunk-driving arrest which revealed his mistress and a love child. Party leaders are in anguish. This fall, only Yankee Stadium will lose more seats than the Republican Party in the House.

President Bush acknowledged Tuesday that he's given up playing golf to express his sense of sacrifice for the war he started in Iraq. It obviously weighs upon him very heavily. Each night he goes to bed aching for the feel of his pitching wedge.

The Change You Deserve was adopted as a re-election slogan by House Republicans Monday. Then they found out the slogan is used in commercials for an anti-depressant pill called Effexor. If Republicans are going to say that everything is just fine, they might as well promote anti-depressants and get everyone on the same page with them.

France admitted having informal talks with the Hamas terror government in Gaza which attacks Israel, prompting condemnation from Washington. That's more like it. For the last year France has been on our side in everything and it just didn't feel right.

Philadelphia's police commissioner said Monday he's firing four police officers who were videotaped swinging their nightsticks on three shooting suspects. The whole thing was caught on camera by a helicopter. No one was hurt, the cops were all former Phillies.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 5-21-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

President Bush suggested in Egypt Sunday that Americans should drive more fuel-efficient cars. Not everyone is sold on the idea. The other day a pedestrian in West Hollywood was hit by a Prius and he had to go to the hospital and get it removed.

Hillary Clinton went to church in Kentucky on Sunday where the pastor preached about adultery. Everyone was embarrassed. You'd think that when the Secret Service called ahead they would be able to tell the church secretary which Clinton was coming.

Mike Huckabee made an appearance on NBC's Meet the Press on Sunday. The network needed a moral conservative for balance. Now that gay marriage has been upheld by courts, NBC News anchors are free to tell Obama just how much they really love him.

Barack Obama began addressing military and diplomatic concerns in his campaign speeches last week. He raised worries when he said he's campaigned in fifty-seven states. Apparently President Bush has center field so messed up that nobody can play it.

Senator John McCain appeared on NBC's Saturday Night Live last weekend where he performed in sketches in which he poked fun at his old age. It's important that he's a good sport about it. John McCain was named after John Adams but not long after.

Hank Steinbrenner ripped his N.Y. Yankees for poor play Friday. He's not kidding around. The Steinbrenners own racehorses, and after what happened at the Derby the Yankees don't have to be told twice that finishing second is a really bad career move.

Big Brown took the second leg of the Triple Crown Saturday at the Preakness in Baltimore. Afterwards his owners sold his stud rights to a horse farm for millions of dollars. Not every horse is so lucky, nowadays most of them get put out to carpool.

The National Fine Arts Commission ordered the Dr. Martin Luther King National Mall statue re-sculpted, saying it looks like Mao. We know how this ends. By the time the statue is approved everybody looking at it will think that Robert Redford has a dream.

The Lundberg Survey said gas prices could be four dollars a gallon by Memorial Day. Don't worry, we may get it all back in gold by the end of the summer. The U.S. Olympic track and field coach just entered American gasoline prices in the high jump.

Osama bin Laden responded to Israel's sixtieth birthday celebration Friday by calling for perpetual holy war against Israel. He repeated the threat in a second tape two days later. Some people get real testy when you don't invite them to a party.

President Bush said Thursday he gave up golf as a sacrifice for the Iraq war. He took us into a five-year war on false evidence and he gave up golf for penance. Clergymen are never allowed into the White House unless they have a demonstrated record of leniency.

Dallas cops arrested a Prestonwood Baptist Church pastor Friday for soliciting a thirteen-year-old girl online. The church is so big it has forty ministers. The guy they arrested is the minister to married couples, but the minister in charge of perversion and forbidden sexual fantasy was off last week and he was covering for him.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 5-20-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Big Brown captured the Preakness at Pimlico on Saturday. It's the second leg of racing's Triple Crown. The first leg is the Kentucky Derby, the second leg is the Preakness, the third leg is what makes them all the money when they retire from racing.

The Kentucky Horse Racing Authority announced Friday that the euthanized filly Eight Belles tested negative for steroids. Everyone was relieved to hear the test results. If she had tested positive for steroids she would have been shot for perjury.

New England coach Bill Belichick lashed out at cheating accusations against him on the CBS Evening News Friday. Everyone in football knows he runs a loose ship. Bill Belichick has a lifetime offer from USC to be the school's director of NCAA compliance.

Albert Einstein's letter to a philosopher was auctioned Friday for four hundred thousand dollars. He's the most famous scientist ever. His theory of relativity demonstrated that once you become successful, your relatives come out of the woodwork.

A Prestonwood Baptist Church minister was arrested for the online solicitation of a thirteen-year-old girl in Dallas. The underage girl turned out to be the cops. This wouldn't happen if Baptists could go to bars where women are carded on the way in.

Barack Obama found himself being attacked by President Bush in Israel Thursday, capping off a long week for him. The day before, he apologized for calling somebody sweetie. He was thanking John Edwards for endorsing him and couldn't remember his name.

Hillary Clinton told an Oregon crowd Saturday she has been declared dead many times and it's always premature, adding that she hopes it's premature this time, too. We might as well elect her and get it over with. If Hillary Clinton turns out to be immortal she's going to run for president every four years for the rest of eternity.

The U.S. Border Patrol began installing razor-sharp concertina wire on top of the border fence between the U.S. and Mexico Friday. This could backfire. That razor wire is going to be tough on our uniforms when our troops go down there to get Mexico's oil.

President Bush declared Saturday that the solution to America's energy problem is more aggressive domestic exploration of oil. This is ominous. If his quest for oil were any more aggressive, he would be awarding petroleum engineers the Iron Cross.

President Bush said Tuesday he's giving up golf out of respect for U.S. soldiers in Iraq. It's noblesse oblige. His dad was president the day Saddam Hussein sent his army into Kuwait and he had to ask the next three groups if he could play through.

President Bush blasted Barack Obama while in Israel Thursday for being willing to talk to Iran. He really is the wartime president. Iran is listed by the White House as a state sponsor of terrorism along with Syria, North Korea, late-night comedians, the cast of Saturday Night Live, your own two eyes and the English language.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 5-19-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Saudi Arabia refused President Bush's request Friday to increase oil production to lower gas prices. The Saudis aren't our friends. Every day it becomes more and more apparent that U.S. troops landed in Iraq because President Bush used too much club.

The Los Angeles Coliseum finalized a deal with the USC Trojans Thursday that will keep the college team playing there for decades. Extensive renovations are part of the deal. Each Trojan player's locker will have a table he can get paid under.

The U.S. Senate voted by an overwhelming margin Friday to pass the three hundred billion dollar farm bill. It's a good bill. Farmers aren't looking for a handout, just enough to maintain their sense of rugged individualism and frontier independence.

The National Rifle Association convention in Louisville Friday paid tribute to Charlton Heston. The late star was a proud gun owner and advocate of law and order. He had no friends in Los Angeles until the riots broke out, and then he was made king.

Hollywood private eye Tony Pellicano was convicted Thursday for wiretapping movie stars. They all testified against him. There haven't been this many celebrities in court since Robert Blake gave a seminar on how to save money on divorce attorneys.

The New Orleans Hornets game was delayed last week when firemen couldn't put out a flaming hoop on the court. The pyrotechnics were planned. If the fire wasn't able to hold viewers through halftime, the network was going to arrange a slow-speed car chase.

Hillary Clinton campaigned in Oregon and Kentucky Friday. Her chances depend on her winning both primaries. She needs a miracle, but unfortunately she used up her quota of miracles when she prayed for her husband to stay faithful during the campaign.

President Bush compared Iran to Nazi Germany in Israel Thursday. He might have said this to incite Israel to attack Iran. Comparing anyone to a Nazi in Israel is like doing jokes about Abe Lincoln's assassination in America, it's still too soon.

President Bush likened Democrats who would talk to Iran to Hitler's appeasers Thursday in Israel. The name is still magic. The History Channel used to air two shows a night about Nazi Germany until the Hitler family started demanding residuals.

Barack Obama led a media backlash against President Bush Friday for comparing him to Nazi appeasers. The media denounces anyone who brings up Barack's racist church pastor, Barack's radical friends, or Barack being an appeaser. What good is free speech if the presidential candidates can't call each other terrorists and Nazis?

John McCain gave a speech Thursday in which he pretended five years had passed and he was looking back on his first term. America was prosperous, the Iraq war was won, Osama was captured and John McCain was still alive. It really strained credulity.

The Energy Department on Friday suspended buying seventy-six thousand barrels of oil per day for storage inside the Strategic Petroleum Reserve. There's no threat of a shortage in the strategic corn reserve. Hee-Haw will run in syndication forever.

The White House revealed Thursday the vice president is worth three times what the president is worth in dollars. That will even out soon. Once they get out of office, President Bush will be a Saudi prince while Dick Cheney will only be a sheikh.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 5-18-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Charles Barkley was sued by the Wynn hotel in Las Vegas Thursday. He owes four hundred thousand dollars in gambling debts. This ends Charles Barkley's dream of becoming the governor of Alabama and launches his bid to become governor of Louisiana.

The California Supreme Court struck down a state law banning same-sex marriage Thursday, prompting gay marriages statewide. Why not get married? Nobody's worried about losing the house in the divorce because they already lost it in the foreclosure.

President Bush caused a firestorm in Washington Thursday when he told Israel's parliament that talking to Iran is like appeasing Hitler. First he said Saddam was Hitler, then he said Osama bin Laden was Hitler, now he says Ahmadinejad is Hitler. For a president who's opposed to cloning he can sure do it when it suits his purposes.

John Edwards endorsed Barack Obama for president at a rally in Grand Rapids Wednesday. The endorsement was very shrewdly timed. Any personal injury lawyer can chase an ambulance but it takes a really good one to know who's about to get run over.

Hillary Clinton went hunting for more primary victories Thursday, carrying her presidential campaign to South Dakota. There can only be one reason why she flew to the state where Custer made his last stand. The Alamo was booked for the NBA playoffs.

The Auto Club warned Los Angeles drivers Friday to stop tailgating to get better gas mileage. It causes awkward freeway situations. When one Range Rover follows another Range Rover too closely there's one chance in four the female Rover's in heat.

The National Parks Service said Thursday the sea wall protecting the Jefferson Memorial from the Tidal Basin is sinking. It's not really sinking. It's just that food and gasoline prices are so high that everything else appears lower by comparison.

The Labor Department reported Thursday that food prices had their steepest one-month jump in eighteen years in April. The price of produce was never higher. People who throw tomatoes at stand-up comedians are paying them better than the club owners.

Mississippi Republicans lost a seat in Congress Tuesday because Democrats told black congregations the GOP candidate was in the Ku Klux Klan. It's not what they thought. The Republicans are covered in white sheets because they're dead for November.

President Bush registered the highest job disapproval rating of any president in history Thursday. Over seventy-five percent think he's doing a bad job. He's just twenty-five points away from keeping his promise to be a uniter and not a divider.

Barack Obama finally admitted doing something wrong on the campaign trail last week. He apologized for calling a television news reporter sweetie. For years the Democrats have fought with Bill O'Reilly, no one ever thought of flirting with him.

GOP Congressman Vito Fossella refused to resign after a DUI arrest led to the discovery of his mistress and lovechild. He's decided to run for re-election. When you have two families to support, it's no time to give up your health insurance.

John McCain said as president he would have a Question Time with the House like Britain's prime minister does with Parliament. It always provides sparkling debate, raucous repartee and good-natured contentiousness. Government is so much more enjoyable when there is one king instead of five hundred and thirty-five of them.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 5-16-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Archbishop Desmond Tutu said Wednesday he agrees with Barack Obama's minister Jeremiah Wright's sermons which denounce America. Here we go again. If Barack Obama has to distance himself from one more minister he's going to be the next president of Israel.

Chicago Cubs owner Sam Zell on Tuesday rejected an offer by Illinois to buy Wrigley Field to keep him from renaming the fabled ballpark for a fee. The Cubs have gone a hundred years without winning there. Who wants to name a stadium after the Iraq War?

John McCain was invited to make a guest appearance on Saturday Night Live this weekend. It's to give the program balance. The show already has a Hillary Clinton impersonator and a Barack Obama impersonator and they needed a Republican impersonator.

Democrats shocked Republicans by winning a GOP congressional seat in Mississippi on Tuesday. It's the third safe seat the Republicans lost this year. President Bush has become so toxic that the Russian Security Services just named a tea bag after him.

Barbara Walters confessed she had simultaneous affairs with a married black U.S. senator, the Bear Stearns chairman, and Alan Greenspan thirty years ago. This was the Seventies. Everybody wanted to look like they were doing cocaine even if they weren't.

Drew Barrymore was victim of a hit-and-run in Los Angeles Monday. People think that tailgating helps gas mileage. Drivers are following each other so closely on the freeway that committed relationships are forming between Priuses and Range Rovers.

The Interior Department placed the polar bear on the Endangered Species List, citing the break-up of the ice shelf in Alaska. It could be curtains for the once feared giant white beast. Hillary Clinton's base of support is in trouble everywhere.

Chelsea Clinton campaigned in Puerto Rico for her mom Wednesday. She wanted to hold an event on a Navy bombing range but they wouldn't allow it. Chelsea would look out of place addressing a rally in a replica of downtown Tehran without a head scarf.

Hillary Clinton told CNN Wednesday if she doesn't get the nomination she will tell her voters it would be a grave mistake to vote for John McCain. It sounded sincere. Up until that moment, Meryl Streep was considered America's leading actress.

McDonald's gave out free fried chicken sandwiches on Thursday and Dunkin Donuts gave away free coffee. It's just like clockwork. Every Bush presidency begins with a vow to bring Saddam Hussein to justice and ends with people lining up for free food.

President Bush spoke to Israel's parliament Thursday and vowed the United States will pursue democracy all across the Middle East. He declared that America is truly committed. That's another way of saying our policy should be in a straitjacket.

President Bush telephoned China's President Hu Jintao and offered to provide aid and disaster assistance for earthquake victims. It's about time. Conservatives have been waiting a long time for President Bush to do something that will stop China.

Senator Arlen Specter accused NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell of covering up the New England Patriots Spygate scandal Wednesday. He said the commissioner destroyed notes and tapes and selectively interviewed witnesses. If the senator had been this mad about warrantless wiretapping, Eliot Spitzer would still be governor of New York.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 5-15-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Microsoft announced Monday the company has launched a new online telescope. It allows you to stargaze at your home computer by viewing digital images from land- and space-based telescopes. On really clear nights, you can see the price of gasoline.

Hillary Clinton won by a landslide in West Virginia's primary Tuesday. Seventy percent of voters told pollsters the Clintons represent their values. The tourism commercials say Virginia is for lovers, so West Virginia must be for sexual harassment.

Hillary Clinton praised West Virginians in her victory speech on Tuesday. They were tired of hearing all day from NBC that they are lower class, downscale, and blue collar. If you average in Jay Rockefeller they're right up there with Connecticut.

Hillary Clinton headed for Kentucky Wednesday where she leads Obama by a large margin. Her campaign is deeply in debt and she's begging for money in every victory speech but she'll never give up hope. The question is, does Jerry Lewis see her coming.

Congress ordered President Bush to stop filling the Strategic Petroleum Reserve Tuesday. He's raising gas prices by buying up oil when oil prices are the highest in history. It's the reason Yale has ended its policy of automatically admitting legacies.

President Bush revealed Tuesday he's given up golf out of respect for families who have lost loved ones in Iraq. It's a wise move. He doesn't want the families to see how fast he can get out of a sand trap when Dick Cheney's not making the decisions.

The Pentagon dismissed charges Tuesday against the alleged twentieth hijacker in the WTC attack. It's hopeless. The jury pool has seen Jeremiah Wright's sermons aired so many times the government is afraid it might not be able to get a conviction.

Jet Blue is being sued for forcing a passenger to sit on a toilet for a five-hour flight so a flight attendant could have his seat. It caused outrage. Senator Larry Craig telephoned his travel agent and demanded to know why this seat is never offered to him.

Law and Order's Dennis Farina was arrested at L.A. Airport Sunday. The screeners found an unregistered loaded gun in his briefcase. The actors might go on strike next month and it is the screeners' job to make sure they don't strike the Sears Tower.

The American Medical Journal said Tuesday that having two drinks a day makes you less likely to fracture your hips. It's especially true if you live in a two-story house. Falling down the stairs twice a day builds up enough scar tissue to cushion your bones.

John McCain's evangelical supporter Reverend James Hagee apologized on Tuesday if he offended Roman Catholics. He referred to the church as the Whore of Babylon. Senators were less concerned about the slur than about whether she's going to testify.

Barack Obama surprised supporters by choosing not to campaign in West Virginia last week. It was seen as a sign of softness. In high school Barack Obama quit the chess club because he felt that each game was turning into a black versus white issue.

Detroit's City Council voted to remove Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick for having text-message sex with an assistant. It's all the rage. Text-message sex is so popular that Pfizer is coming out with a new pill that will keep a man's thumb from going soft.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 5-14-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

The Weather Channel aired footage of a brushfire in Florida and cyclone damage in Burma Monday. There were also earthquakes in China and tornadoes in Oklahoma. It looks like President Bush was right all along in believing the planet is our enemy.

Methodist minister Kirbyjon Caldwell of Houston performed Jenna Bush's wedding at the ranch in Crawford Saturday. He's a close friend of President Bush, however he's endorsed Obama. All the pastors who support Obama have embarrassing associations.

The Lundberg Survey reported that gas prices hit a record high Monday. It has so reduced discretionary driving that freeway traffic is flowing better than ever before. The Los Angeles organ donor hotline is calling it an embarrassment of riches.

USC basketball star O.J. Mayo was alleged to have received thousands in cash and gifts from an agent over the last four years. The school isn't worried. They can investigate all they want but they will never get a jury to convict O.J. in Los Angeles.

Roger Clemens was excluded from the Olympic baseball team Friday. It's for the best. There's no point in having security surrounding the Olympic Village if you are going to let Roger Clemens sleep next door to all those fifteen-year-old gymnasts.

The Chicago White Sox were caught with two female blow-up dolls in their locker room. They look terrible. The dolls were intended to be good-luck charms, but the players keep jabbing them with needles thinking it will make their breasts bigger.

The Washington Post reported Monday on the print media and cable news attempts to anoint Barack Obama the nominee. It seems one-sided. A dove appeared out of nowhere in the West Virginia skies yesterday and made Hillary wish she had worn a hat.

Barack Obama was in Missouri Tuesday for a conference held in Rush Limbaugh's hometown of Cape Girardeau. He was getting routed in West Virginia and trailing big in Kentucky. Eight Belles had a prettier victory lap at Churchill Downs last Saturday.

Hillary Clinton won the West Virginia primary Tuesday. She successfully argued that she can win working-class whites, women, and Hispanic voters. Hillary has had more rationales for continuing her candidacy than George Bush had for staying in Iraq.

Barack Obama wore a U.S. flag pin on his lapel Monday for the first time in months. It's no mystery. His pollster told him the only way he's going to be elected president is if Jeremiah Wright drops dead of a heart attack before the Democratic convention.

President Bush told CBS News on Monday that when he meets Saudi King Abdullah on his Mideast trip this week they will discuss oil prices. It's no secret why he will be flying to Egypt and Saudi Arabia and Israel. He would kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Vladimir Putin settled into his new job as prime minister of Russia Monday by bringing all his top advisors into new cabinet positions. He may not be president anymore, but there's no doubt who's in charge. The only difference between Vladimir Putin and Dick Cheney is that Vladimir Putin poisons his hunting partners.

The U.S. Marines announced Monday they've already exceeded this year's recruiting goal and they are running ahead of next year. Some people love to knock heads. Our top medal used to be the Congressional Medal of Honor and now it's Viking of the Week.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 5-13-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

The White House assured Americans Friday that the six hundred dollar income tax rebate checks were mailed. People also get three hundred dollars for each child they have. You're never going to discourage polygamy in Texas with policies like that.

Tom Cruise's movie about the German officer who tried to kill Adolf Hitler was shelved by the studio Sunday after awful test screenings. The actor's too unpopular. Movie audiences aren't supposed to cheer when Hitler survives your attempt to kill him.

NBC Dateline ran an old interview with Charles Manson Saturday from twenty years ago. He said industry was melting the polar ice caps and destroying the ozone. The Nobel Committee just called Al Gore and told him he's going to have to split the Peace Prize.

Kentucky's U.S. Senator Mitch McConnell loaded up a farm bill with aid for horse breeders. He guards his state's horse racing, tobacco and bourbon interests. Kentucky's entire purpose is to show young people you don't have to do drugs to have a good time.

O.J. Simpson's ex-agent Mike Gilbert claims in his new book that O.J. confessed to him that he murdered his wife while they were smoking pot together twelve years ago. One mystery is solved. This explains why O.J. and Kato Kaelin went to McDonald's the night of the murder.

Boston Celtics player Paul Pierce was fined for giving a gang hand sign during a game. The commissioner is worried about gang associations. He's bringing in Michael Jordan to teach the young players sports gambling in hopes it will improve the league's image.

Hillary Clinton is favored to clobber Barack Obama in West Virginia today by forty percentage points. She gets no help from cable news shows or the print media. People magazine covered Hillary's victory in Indiana in its Where Are They Now section.

Barack Obama spent Mother's Day in Chicago with his family, saying he was ready for a day away from the campaign trail. He can take the whole week off. His wife's comments cost him any chance of a victory in West Virginia, she made him quit smoking.

Bill Clinton told West Virginians Hillary needs a landslide today. He vowed if they give her a win by six hundred thousand votes they can make the earth move. It takes a talented politician to fit that many people into the back seat of his Mustang.

Teddy Kennedy said Sunday that Hillary Clinton was not in tune with the nobler aspirations of the American people. It's the new family line. The Kennedy men have stayed on the high road ever since pepper spray was invented to make it a fair fight.

President Bush gave away daughter Jenna in marriage Saturday in Crawford in an outdoor ceremony. The president had a large cross constructed out of Texas limestone which was used as an altar. Halliburton built the cross for six hundred million dollars.

Justice Clarence Thomas gave a commencement speech at Georgia Sunday. The same thing happens at all these exercises. The commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that individuality is the key to success.

The Swiss government issued guidelines Friday respecting the dignity of plants and protecting every plant's ability to reproduce. No one knew until this moment that plants have dignity. From now on, all salad dressing will be white tie and tails.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 5-12-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Frank Sinatra adorns the first-class stamp today as the Postal Service salutes Old Blue Eyes. He would no longer like that nickname. In today's world any Democrat who was old and blue-eyed would be stigmatized as a Hillary supporter with no rhythm.

Hillary Clinton led in the national polls Friday yet superdelegates continued to abandon her ship. She absolutely refuses to discuss an exit strategy because she thinks she can still win. The Iraq strategy is not only a failure, it's a contagion.

Teddy Kennedy said Friday Hillary Clinton should not be Barack Obama's running mate because she's not worthy of it. Teddy's support has been an invaluable help to Obama. The Kennedy family has a long history of getting rid of troublesome blondes.

John McCain said Barack Obama is clearly the choice of Hamas after a terrorist leader had praised the Democrat. Obama objected to McCain's remark immediately. He's slept through sermons for twenty years and he's not going to be blindsided again.

John McCain denied Friday he told a Beverly Hills dinner party seven years ago he didn't vote for President Bush. It's he-said-they-said. There's no recording of the alleged conversation because Beverly Hills was not yet on the Terrorist Watch List.

CNN's Paul Begala said Tuesday Barack Obama can't win in November with only the support of eggheads and black voters. It's hopeless anyway. Democrats have to defeat a war hero and a loose cannon, and there's no coalition in America that can beat that.

John McCain's aides accused Barack Obama of playing the age card Thursday when he said McCain may have lost his bearings. There's nothing wrong with reaching seventy-two years of age. The cost of living has done nothing to make it less popular.

Barack Obama's Mideast advisor Robert Malley resigned Friday after reports that he met with Hamas as part of his think-tank job. It's important for Obama to understand them. They are the only group in the world outside of the Clintons who will stop at nothing.

Burma's government relented Thursday and allowed one planeload of cyclone aid into the country from the United States. It's only right. The government failed to meet the needs of its own citizens after the oceanic catastrophe, and so did Burma.

Jenna Bush was married in Crawford Saturday with two hundred friends and family members attending. It strained the municipal services. Crawford is so small the town does not have a sanitation department, a cleaning lady just comes in once a week.

Roger Clemens was excluded from the U.S. Olympic baseball team Friday by general manager Bob Watson. There's more evidence that he's done steroids. The prom tuxedo he rented last week is six sizes larger than the prom tuxedo he rented ten years ago.

Weather Channel anchor Bob Stokes was sued by his co-anchor Hillary Andrews for sexual harassment Tuesday. There's a reason why so many Oklahoma babies are born in January. There's something about a woman during tornado season that's irresistible.

Venezuela's Hugo Chavez said Friday he will back the rebels in Colombia trying to overthrow the pro-U.S. government. That would give him control of Venezuelan oil and Colombian cocaine. This is the kind of leverage you need to get your screenplay read in Hollywood.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 5-11-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Jenna Bush was married at the family ranch in Crawford Saturday with President Bush looking on. The ceremony went off flawlessly and without a hitch. Disaster was narrowly averted last month when Donald Rumsfeld was fired as the wedding planner.

Frank Sinatra is pictured on the new forty-two cent stamp out Monday as the Postal Service pays tribute to Old Blue Eyes. They are increasing the price of the stamp by one penny. The only way they could get Frank Sinatra was to raise the cover charge.

Roger Clemens' mistress Mindy McCready claimed she was seventeen when they met, not fifteen. He's also linked to three other women. Right now he wants to step back and spend a little private time with his family, if he can remember where he left them.

The new Grand Theft Auto IV video game made five hundred million dollars in its first week in stores. It provides fast action and guns and sex and car theft and violence. The video game's so addictive that rehab centers wean you off it with crack.

Oliver Stone gave interviews Friday about his new movie on President Bush. The director resents him. Until President Bush began seeing Saddam Hussein as a threat to the United States, Oliver Stone was the leading conspiracy theorist in the country.

Hillary Clinton had to loan her campaign six million dollars on Wednesday. Her game plan was flawed. The strategy to win the Democratic nomination by appealing to white voters collapsed when it turned out they've been Republicans for forty years.

Hillary Clinton angered liberals Thursday by quoting the Associated Press poll saying only she can carry white voters for Democrats. Reaction was frenzied. It's the first time a poll of Americans has ever been labeled hate speech by the New York Times.

Hillary Clinton said in West Virginia Thursday she will stay in the race until there's a nominee. She's favored to win big in West Virginia Tuesday. She can't claim she is from West Virginia, but she can say that her mother and father both smoked.

John McCain's fellow POW said Thursday that during their captivity in North Vietnam, the POWs named McCain their chaplain. He said McCain recited by heart the Episcopal Church ritual. Within a month their jailers were answering the dinner bell on the first ring.

Cindy McCain vowed Thursday she will never release her tax returns even if her husband is elected president. She's a wealthy beer distributor. We'd know what's causing the foreclosure crisis if we found out how much money Americans spent on beer.

John McCain threw sharp elbows at Barack Obama Thursday as he cracked jokes on The Daily Show and Live with Regis and Kelly. There's a wide generational divide. Barack Obama is offering hope and change while John McCain is offering Hope and Crosby.

Barack Obama went to the U.S. Capitol to monitor a secret meeting of uncommitted super-delegates. He's been campaigning forever. He knows every road in Indiana like the back of his hand but he had to ask the tour guide how to get to his Senate office.

George McGovern switched his support from Hillary Clinton to Barack Obama Monday. Thirty-six years ago Hillary worked all year as a McGovern for President volunteer, and he turned on her the day before her biggest primary. One by one, Baby Boomers continue to wrack our brains trying to remember exactly what it was we had against Richard Nixon.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 5-9-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Laura Bush said Monday the entire Bush family will be in Crawford this weekend for Jenna's marriage to former White House aide Henry Hager. Jenna is the first-born by twenty minutes. That means when she becomes queen, he'll be the Duke of Exxon.

Rush Limbaugh took credit for Hillary Clinton's Indiana win Tuesday. It evened out. All the Limbaugh people who crossed over from the GOP to vote for Hillary were canceled out by all the dead people who crossed over from Chicago to vote for Barack.

Bill Clinton was reported in the Globe tabloid to be infuriated by rumors of Hillary having a lesbian relationship with a female aide. The story is ridiculous. Anyone who's seen Hillary's schedule would know that it's been a year since she's been in bed.

Indiana poll workers turned away a dozen nuns trying to vote Tuesday when they didn't have photo IDs. They all walked out in a huff. Al Gore saw the clip and said it was just more evidence of global warming to see penguins this close to the equator.

Hillary Clinton took her campaign to the hills of West Virginia Wednesday. She won in Indiana and Pennsylvania and leads big in Kentucky and West Virginia. Hillary would leave the Methodist Church and convert to coal if she had an ounce of gratitude.

Roger Clemens apologized for unspecified personal mistakes on Monday following steroid charges and four new claims of adultery. It was all so foreseeable. When he was a little boy in the third grade, he was already cheating at an eighth grade level.

San Diego undercover cops busted six San Diego State fraternities for cocaine distribution Tuesday. The campus has a long and storied tradition as a party school. This is the only college in America that cancels classes on Hunter Thompson's birthday.

Washington University released a study Wednesday detailing the harmful effects of increased drinking by women in their forties and fifties. They didn't study the effect of drinking on young women. There's already been centuries of research on that.

New Jersey prosecutors filed animal cruelty charges Wednesday against a farmer who'd trained a cow to perform oral sex on him. The heat's off horse racing. Perhaps it's safer to keep these female animals on the racetrack where they're in plain sight.

Stephen King defended himself Wednesday for telling kids at the Library of Congress that if they can't read they'll wind up in Iraq. His bitterness is understandable. Until this administration took office he pretty much had the monopoly on unending blood and gore.

President Bush will fly to the Middle East Tuesday to Israel, Saudi Arabia and Egypt, where he plans to stall Palestinian peace talks. The talks he's planning are mostly financial. Whenever a Bush retires, Saudi Arabia's royal family gets a new member.

John McCain assured a town hall meeting in Michigan Wednesday that his temper will not affect his ability to govern. It might actually work in his favor. After sixteen years of an adulterer and a liberator, a hothead would be like a week in Tahiti.

New Mexico police arrested self-proclaimed prophet Wayne Bent at his compound near the Colorado border. He heads a cult that considers him the Messiah. These Obama impersonators are everywhere now that it looks like he might get the nomination.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 5-8-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

New York Yankees fan Ivonne Hernandez killed a Boston Red Sox fan on Monday by running over him in a parking lot with her car. They'd been arguing in a bar all day. Every woman in America is giving Hillary Clinton advice on how to win this thing.

Roger Clemens apologized for mistakes in his personal life Monday but he would not name them. He's been linked to four extramarital affairs. This is what happens when you give a guy twenty million dollars a year and four days off between work days.

The Kentucky Horse Racing Authority was picketed by vocal opponents of horse racing Tuesday. They were shouted down by counter-protesters who love the sport. Some of these gambling degenerates go to the track every day, the rest just go when it's open.

San Diego State fraternities were busted for cocaine Tuesday. You cannot shame college kids into clean living. Now that Robert Downey Jr. has a two hundred million dollar movie they know they can eventually clean up their acts and enjoy a great life.

The U.S. Marines said Tuesday they are ignoring Afghanistan's booming poppy crop so as not to upset locals. They say they are there to fight the Taliban, not opium. They took an oath when they signed up to follow the dope no matter where he sends them.

New Jersey's former governor Jim McGreevey's divorce trial began on Court TV Tuesday. He said he's gay, to his wife's surprise after they had group sex with the chauffeur. They were just named the winners in a new reality show called America's Next Clintons.

Los Angeles Lakers star Kobe Bryant was named Most Valuable Player Tuesday. No one worked harder. He spent the first half of his career fighting Shaquille O'Neal for the ball and the second half of his career fighting Jack Nicholson for camera time.

Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama arrived in West Virginia Wednesday following Tuesday's primaries. You could feel the electricity in the air. It was a welcome chance for West Virginians who can't pay their electricity bills to charge their iPods.

Barack Obama won the North Carolina presidential primary on Tuesday, ending his losing streak. He won by carrying ninety-one percent of the black vote. When did you ever think you'd see a Clinton waxing nostalgic about the poll tax?

Hillary Clinton captured the Indiana primary Tuesday. She survived the latest controversy. Old videotape of her Methodist minister surfaced in which he urged public tolerance of Prince William and Prince Harry until they're completely grown up.

Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama split the primaries Tuesday. Each candidate's supporters are ferociously loyal. The convention is three months away and already Denver officials are blaming the race riot on an overreaction by the Los Angeles Police.

New Hampshire computer programmer Fred Hollander filed a lawsuit claiming John McCain isn't eligible to run for president. The suit says he was born in the Panama Canal Zone. The good news for John McCain is, this proves to doubters that he was born after 1903.

John McCain will speak to the National Rifle Association's annual meeting next week in Louisville. He has annoyed the gun rights group in the past with his support for background checks at gun shows. John McCain is the second bravest man in the nation next to the guy working the metal detector next week at the Louisville airport.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 5-7-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Eight Belles was euthanized in front of millions of viewers Saturday following the Kentucky Derby. The filly finished second and then was shot on the track. If they adopted this policy at the Olympics, NBC's ratings would go right through the roof.

Barbara Walters reveals in her new book she had affairs with Senator Edward Brooke and Senator John Warner back in the Seventies. She's a great American. There was a time when you slept with a senator for your country and not for five hundred dollars.

Roger Clemens apologized for personal mistakes Sunday which center around the affair he had that began when the girl was fifteen. Admitting it may be a ploy for sympathy. He just has to introduce her as his page and Congress will get off his case.

Major League Baseball reported a large increase in attendance in April despite the slumping U.S. economy. Even small-market teams are doing well. The Kansas City Royals enjoyed record April revenues and that was just by growing corn in right field.

Iron Man starring Robert Downey Jr. made two hundred million dollars Sunday. He plays a superhero who shoots napalm out of his hand. Everyone's shocked you could make so much money at the box office by capitalizing on nostalgia for the Vietnam War.

Hollywood sounded the alarm Monday when the first week of May TV ratings revealed a double-digit drop in network viewers. They've all gone to cable. The only way the networks could compete with Hillary and Barack would be with live impeachment coverage.

Laura Bush offered Burma recovery aid Monday after its major cyclone. The entire country is devastated. Laura said it's a humanitarian crisis, Al Gore said it's more evidence of global warming, and President Bush said we will get whoever did this.

Hillary Clinton did the Top Ten list on David Letterman's show Monday. Republicans don't get to do the Top Ten list for legal reasons. We have a treaty with NATO which requires a twenty-four hour notification before Dick Cheney counts backwards from ten.

Democratic Party officials hailed record turnout for Tuesday's primaries. It got ugly toward the end. After a tip from Michael Vick on Monday, both Hillary and Barack Obama were arrested on separate farms in North Carolina for breeding attack ads.

London's Al-Hayat newspaper on Monday published portions of Saddam Hussein's prison diary. They reveal he was worried about getting AIDS while the U.S. held him prisoner. Jeremiah Wright told him that the U.S. government was giving it to everybody.

Oprah Winfrey was reported Monday to have stopped attending Jeremiah Wright's church but not because of his sermons. It was too crowded. Every time the pastor would express his thanks to Jesus both Oprah and Barack would stand up and take a bow.

The Gallup Poll out Monday gave Hillary Clinton a seven-point lead over Barack Obama. Hollywood favors Barack Obama with the exception of the stand-up comics. Even if Hillary Clinton is not the next president, the comedians want Bill Clinton for vice.

John McCain and twenty-three other GOP senators wrote to the EPA Monday asking the agency to suspend a requirement for more ethanol use. They said ethanol is causing a world food shortage and very high food prices in America. The new menu on the wall at McDonald's invites customers to ask about their easy monthly payments.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 5-6-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Big Brown won the Kentucky Derby Saturday, outrunning filly Eight Belles. After she finished second to Big Brown her ankles broke and she was shot right there on the racetrack. Hillary Clinton was last seen running for president with her ankles taped up.

Robert Downey Jr. was the toast of Hollywood Sunday after Iron Man grossed over one hundred million dollars. He got sober six years ago. As a result, he's a big star again and Colombia had to start growing corn, so it's been a win-win for everyone.

Indianapolis Colt Marvin Harrison was questioned in a shooting outside his bar Friday. A victim was wounded and a child was hit by flying glass. This is what happens in the off-season when players don't have a healthy outlet for their urge to dog fight.

Barbara Walters admitted her affair with the first black senator Edward Brooke Friday. She was the first female morning TV host and the first Jewish evening news anchor. The affair has enough diversity points to get into any college in the country.

Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama finished in a virtual tie in the Guam primary Sunday. It's in the South Pacific. For three weeks neither candidate said anything about the Texas polygamist compound for fear of offending the leading families of Guam.

Barack Obama disowned his pastor Jeremiah Wright Friday. He sat in the pew for twenty years but says he never heard anything radical. It turns out the change Barack is promising is that he will be a president who doesn't pay attention in church.

Bill Clinton made appearances in rural North Carolina last weekend. It was hot and he ran late and more than one person in the crowd fainted when he finally began his remarks. The campaign staff doesn't pass out the free bread until after the speech.

Hillary Clinton agreed to appear on her old arch enemy Fox News last week. Fox News and Rush Limbaugh don't want to get rid of Bill and Hillary Clinton any more than Sherlock Holmes wants to get rid of Moriarty. What would they talk about all day?

Barack Obama said his friendship with anarchist Weatherman William Ayers is no different than his friendship with Oklahoma U.S. Senator Tom Coburn. It's very different. The Weathermen in Chicago haven't destroyed buildings and killed innocent people since the Seventies, but the weathermen in Oklahoma do it every tornado season.

The London Times said the U.S. military is making plans for an air strike against Iran. It won't be easy. Last weekend Dick Cheney tried to launch a missile and it refused to leave the silo without an exit strategy that will bring it back home again.

President Bush asked Congress for twenty million dollars for Poland as a thank-you for letting us build our missile system there. Republicans don't like it. With today's advances in technology it seems unsportsmanlike to play Russia from the ladies' tees.

U.S. officials in Baghdad made a deal to build a Marriott hotel in the Green Zone, including a future golf course. It practically builds itself. The location of the sand traps and today's pin placements will be determined by last night's mortar fire.

Roger Clemens admitted mistakes in his personal life in a Houston Chronicle interview Monday but he insisted he didn't do steroids or HGH or a fifteen-year-old girl. His name will be forever linked with cheating, lying and underage girls. Cooperstown is out but Roger Clemens could be the first pitcher ever inducted into the Country Music Hall of Fame.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 5-5-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Barbara Walters released her autobiography titled Audition Friday. In it she revealed she had an interracial affair with former Senator Edward Brooke of Massachusetts. And if this doesn't sell books, she's going to claim to be the mother of Barack Obama.

British Tories won a victory Friday when Conservative Boris Johnson was elected mayor of London. Immigration has become an issue in The City. Londoners who travel abroad are tired of being asked by well-meaning hotel clerks if they're Shia or Sunni.

The Coast Guard was reported stumped Friday by cocaine runners using mini-subs for smuggling. If apprehended, the crew can scuttle the sub and jettison the drugs to the ocean floor. At least it explains why the sharks have been so aggressive lately.

A Richmond man was killed by a Civil War cannonball he found Friday which blew up and sent shrapnel through a wall two blocks away. Artillery once ringed the city. That's how determined the Confederacy was to keep Wal-Mart from moving into town.

Robert Downey Jr. drew rave reviews in Iron Man. He's a boozing weapons magnate by day and a terrorist-killing superhero by night. When they showed it at the White House, President Bush demanded to know who sold the screen rights to his autobiography.

President Bush addressed a crowd in St. Louis Wednesday to talk about the U.S. economy. He assured them their tax rebate checks are on the way. The average American has three hungry mouths to feed, the Land Rover, the Escalade and the Prius.

The Federal Reserve took action Tuesday to stabilize the value of U.S. currency. It's about time. Californians have begun using dollar bills instead of lettuce in salads because they're not only cheaper, they contain more fiber.

Hillary Clinton told the New York Times she sees a path to the nomination. She plans to fight Obama all the way to the convention. Any judge hearing this case would order the Democratic Party to attend ninety meetings in ninety days at On and On.

Hillary Clinton was introduced by an Indiana steelworker Tuesday as the candidate with testicular fortitude. She howled in delight. She's turned herself into such an Iron Lady that every morning after she gets up, she gradually starts to point north.

Barack Obama slammed the idea of a holiday on gas taxes as a political gimmick Friday. His disdain for the idea didn't help his image as an elitist. Every now and then Barack Obama makes Marie Antoinette look like Ma Joad in The Grapes of Wrath.

John McCain complained in Denver Friday about a Democratic Party television ad that accuses him of wanting to stay in Iraq for a hundred years. He was insulted by the commercial. He may walk like he's a hundred but he's not a day over seventy-one.

Ohio's Attorney General Marc Dann admitted at his press conference Friday that he had an extramarital affair with an employee. These things always come at a high price. For starters, the next attorney general always demands a new desk and a new rug.

Somalia militants and Muslim warlords vowed revenge Friday for a United States missile attack that killed an al-Qaeda leader in Mogadishu. They weren't the only ones who were violently upset. Americans had no idea we still had troops in Mogadishu.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 5-4-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Barbara Walters confessed she had an affair with married Senator Edward Brooke of Massachusetts. Roger Clemens played there and Teddy Kennedy is from there. If there are prescription drugs in the water in Massachusetts we know which ones they are.

President Bush drew a record high disapproval rating of seventy-one percent on Friday. It made him the most unpopular president in history. That night police in Yorba Linda went on tactical alert after reports of a loud party at the Nixon Library.

Forbes magazine placed Oklahoma City at the top of its list of recession-proof cities on Thursday. It's quite evident why. Oklahoma City was closely followed on the list of recession-proof cities by Houston, Dallas, Dubai, Kuwait City and Riyadh.

Northwestern withdrew its offer of an honorary doctorate to Jeremiah Wright on Thursday. They won't make him Doctor of Sacred Theology as announced. However, the offer by the U.S. Naval Academy to make him an instructor at torpedo school still stands.

Los Angeles was the site of immigration marches Thursday by people who believe the western United States belongs to Mexico. A year after the U.S. captured California, gold was discovered. It shows that once you have property rights, people put in a little effort.

The Port Of Long Beach shut down Thursday when the longshoremen's union staged a one-day walkout in protest of the Iraq war. You may remember the conflict. Television news stopped covering it after civil war broke out in the Democratic Party.

Hillary Clinton campaigned for president in Indiana Thursday. She just passed Barack in Indiana and she's coming up fast in North Carolina. The race is so exciting that the Democratic Convention will begin with the singing of My Old Kentucky Home.

The Kentucky Derby was run on Saturday at the famous Churchill Downs Racetrack in Louisville. There was no betting this year. The racetrack decided it would make more money by renting the horses to people who can no longer afford to drive to work.

Exxon Mobil announced almost eleven billion dollars in profits during the first quarter on Thursday. It's insane. There's so much money in Houston that the Roger Clemens Defense Fund has enough cash in it to make statutory rape legal in six states.

Gone with the Wind opened as a musical in London Wednesday, based upon Margaret Mitchell's novel. It's an epic love story about people who are trying to bring down the U.S. government. Dick Cheney was at opening night and pronounced it not helpful.

David Blaine set a world record on Oprah Winfrey's show for length of time holding his breath. He was dipped into a water-filled sphere and stayed underwater for over seventeen minutes. Finally they pulled him up and he told them where Osama was hiding.

Rush Limbaugh is urging his listeners to vote for Hillary Clinton to throw the Democratic contest into chaos. The cable news coverage is insanely slanted. Fox News did a story questioning whether or not John McCain is, in fact, a true conservative and CNN did a story questioning whether or not Barack Obama is, in fact, Jesus Christ.

Italy's outgoing government posted every Italian's tax returns on the Internet after getting beat last election. The government was enormously unpopular. People around Washington have suddenly begun wearing bracelets inscribed What Could Bush Do?


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 5-2-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Mindy McCready admitted Monday she had an affair with Roger Clemens, whom she met when she was fifteen. She may have to testify during his defamation lawsuit. He swears he didn't have sex with her when she was fifteen but Annie Leibovitz has the pictures.

Miley Cyrus posed semi-nude for famed photographer Annie Leibovitz in the June issue of Vanity Fair. She held a satin sheet to her chest, exposing her back. No one can believe that Hannah Montana turned into Hannah Idaho before her sixteenth birthday.

Swiss chemist Albert Hoffman died at the age of one hundred and two Wednesday, famed for inventing LSD. The hallucinogenic had differing effects on Baby Boomers. Some took LSD and saw wild colors while others took the drug and saw weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.

John Lennon's hand-written lyrics to Give Peace a Chance will be auctioned off at Christie's. He wrote the anti-war anthem thirty-nine years ago. It's such an early draft of the song it still bears the original title, Letting the Terrorists Win.

Hillary Clinton took the lead in Indiana polls Monday and she gained ground in North Carolina. She won't go away. The Secret Service protects her from any human harm, and as long as she keeps wearing yellow and red she will never get hit by a car.

Barack Obama's pastor Jeremiah Wright ignited a furor in Washington Monday. He said the U.S. invented AIDS to kill black people and the U.S. deserved the World Trade Center attack. Telling some guys to be yourself is the worst advice you can give them.

Barack Obama divorced himself from his minister Jeremiah Wright on Tuesday. The minister baptized the candidate twenty years ago. It wouldn't be the last time that guys with Arab middle names had their heads held underwater by men who talked to God.

Reverend Jeremiah Wright was accused Monday of sabotaging Barack Obama because a racially divided country serves his purposes. It's true. Yesterday he was offered a lifeguard's job at Pacific Beach because he's always on the lookout for Great Whitey.

Iraq announced it'll make seventy billion dollars in oil profits this year. U.S. taxpayers continue to fund Iraq's defense and rebuilding. Americans don't feel safer in their homes knowing Saddam Hussein is dead, they are losing their homes either way.

Hillary Clinton held a photo-op on the high price of gas Wednesday at a South Bend gas station. She was followed by a Secret Service motorcade of six Suburbans, two squad cars and an SUV full of photographers. The next morning she got a FedEx envelope containing a nice photograph of King Faisal naming her Customer of the Month.

President Bush sent two aircraft carriers to the Persian Gulf Tuesday to send Iran a message. The administration played down concerns, saying the deployment is merely part of regularly scheduled exercises. We start a war there every five years.

President Bush greeted the New York Giants at the White House on Wednesday. He recited a detailed recap of the team's entire season off the top of his head from memory. Every morning the CIA briefs him on what games might be blacked out this week.

Irish Prime Minister Bertie Ahern visited Washington Wednesday just days ahead of leaving office. He knows something about food shortages. In the 1840s, a million Irish moved to America when the British Navy learned how to make wind out of potatoes.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 5-1-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Miley Cyrus was photographed in Vanity Fair holding a satin sheet to her chest with her bare back exposed. It's a national issue. Just when Pastor Jeremiah Wright was about out of Ku Klux Klan jokes, white people show up wearing sheets in Vanity Fair.

Roger Clemens was reported to have had an affair with a singer he met when she was fifteen. Defense lawyers are probing his past after he sued his steroid accuser for defamation. Any Indian who greeted Columbus could have warned Roger it's the discovery that kills you.

Los Angeles firefighters rushed to put out blazes that broke out all over town Monday. It's that time of year again. The fire marshal issued a bulletin in twelve different languages reminding everyone that it's still only round one of the playoffs.

The Charlotte Bobcats hired Larry Brown to coach next year, a year after he was cut loose by the New York Knicks. Sports fans have lost count of the number of NBA teams he's coached. Larry Brown has been fired more times than a Civil War cannon.

Major League Baseball announced ticket prices for the All-Star Game in Yankee Stadium. They'll cost seven hundred and fifty dollars apiece. As soon as the government started sending out rebate checks the price of everything went up six hundred dollars.

Barack Obama divorced himself from his pastor, Jeremiah Wright, on Tuesday. He said he was shocked to hear his divisive views. It proves that if you just sit in the pew and think about yourself for twenty years you never hear a word the preacher says.

Barack Obama's pastor Jeremiah Wright claimed Monday the U.S. government invented AIDS to wipe out all black people. Absolutely no one wants to hear this. Jeremiah Wright is so annoying he's got white people demanding reparation payments for slavery.

North Carolina Governor Mike Easley said Tuesday that Hillary makes Rocky look like a pansy, infuriating gays. On a day when blacks and women battled over who was more insulted, gays got insulted. It's taken four months for the party of Jefferson to become the front row of Rickles.

Playboy will be banned from sale at military bases if Georgia congressman Paul Broun's legislation is passed by Congress. The magazine is just too anatomically explicit. Every month, Playboy's Party Jokes about President Bush are right on the nose.

President Bush hosted a press conference in the Rose Garden Tuesday. He blamed gas prices, food prices and the mortgage crisis on Congress. He's delivered a lot of speeches from the Rose Garden, and where he stands it's never grown so good before.

President Bush sent a second aircraft carrier into the Persian Gulf on Tuesday and threatened to go to war with Iran. He's doubling down for the third time. The president has got such a gambling problem that every time the phone rings at three in the morning, it is just the front desk asking if he is going to stay another night.

The United Truckers asked the White House Tuesday to tap the Strategic Petroleum Reserve to reduce gas prices. They plan to drive very slowly on freeways Monday and bring traffic to a standstill. They could be arrested in Los Angeles for speeding.

General Motors ordered cutbacks Monday that will lay off workers at four plants in Michigan. It just adds to the growing total. Ever since we put Japan and Germany back on their feet, the Detroit Tigers have had the best day-game attendance in baseball.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio