Argus Hamilton's column for 4-30-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Vanity Fair will publish semi-nude photos of fifteen-year-old Disney star Miley Cyrus in June. The magazine expects the issue to break sales records. Barack Obama said working-class Americans always turn to child pornography whenever they're bitter.

Pastor Jeremiah Wright said Monday the U.S. government invented AIDS to wipe out blacks. It's so sad. If only that great white shark had eaten a black guy instead of a white guy Friday, Jeremiah Wright would have a new opening joke in his act today.

New York's Daily News reports Roger Clemens had a ten-year affair with a singer he met when she was fifteen. How creepy. In college he once accidentally bit his girlfriend, and it took him ten minutes to scotch-tape the wound and blow her back up.

Pamela Anderson stole the show at the White House Correspondents Dinner. Thank goodness she showed up. If President Bush is going to accuse Iran of having weapons of mass destruction he needs some practice telling which ones are real and which ones are fake.

President Bush took the baton and led the Marine Band in the Stars and Stripes Forever on Saturday. What else could he do? When you're a lame duck and all your troops are overseas, the Marine Band is the last group that will take your direction.

Alabama Democrats cried foul after John McCain got a discount on a hall rental last week. They paid full rate when they rented it for the Blue Dot Ball. It's the first fundraiser ever tied to the anniversary of the William Kennedy Smith rape trial.

The White House revealed Monday that President Bush will visit Israel and Egypt and Saudi Arabia in May. What a trip. He will celebrate Israel's sixtieth birthday and jump start the Middle East peace process, also celebrating its sixtieth birthday.

Hillary Clinton challenged Barack Obama to a presidential debate without using a moderator Sunday. She said they can go at each other Lincoln-Douglas style. He would love to oblige, but right now his pastor is going at him Lincoln-Booth style.

Barack Obama's minister Jeremiah Wright addressed the National Press Club in Washington D.C. on Monday. The pastor was incendiary, sacrilegious, smart-alecky and unpatriotic in front of the reporters. In other words he had them at hello.

Pastor Jeremiah Wright said again Monday that America deserved the World Trade Center attacks. It's out of hand. Barack Obama is doing all he can to distance himself from the pastor, but Michelle refuses to move to the International Space Station.

The Olympic torch arrived in North Korea Monday and there weren't any protests or disruptions. A well-dressed crowd welcomed the flame's first visit to the country. They cheered the runners as they entered the capital city and then ate them.

The Supreme Court ruled Monday states can require voters to show a photo ID at the polls. That's no problem here in the land of fake licenses for Mexicans who want to drive and actors who want to be younger. Three ID's means you can vote three times.

Hillary Clinton ran an ad in North Carolina Monday vowing to force oil companies to use excess profits to research alternative fuels. It could win the War on Terror. If we can turn rice and wheat into gasoline like we've done with corn, in two growing seasons al-Qaeda will hand over Osama bin Laden in exchange for a Happy Meal.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-29-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

President Bush performed stand-up comedy at the Correspondents Dinner Saturday and got huge laughs. He's finally got everything working for him. For some reason American crowds always laugh the loudest during times of recession and disillusionment.

A great white shark killed a swimmer off the San Diego coast Friday a few days after a California bear killed a man up in the mountains. These animals have made a strategic miscalculation. There's just as much oil in California as there is in Iraq.

Afghanistan president Hamid Karzai was nearly assassinated by machine-gunners Sunday. He dodged a thousand bullets and survived without a scratch. He owes his life to his decision to attend Bill Clinton's leadership seminar at the Learning Annex.

Barack Obama told Fox News Sunday he does not believe race is a factor in the primary election. That Prozac is really amazing. About a month ago we found out there were prescription drugs in the drinking water and now it has spread to the Kool-Aid.

Hillary Clinton said Friday her father taught her how to shoot at her family's lake cottage when she was a little girl. Her husband went pale. If Bill had known she could shoot he never would have considered giving up his Secret Service protection.

Palestinian president Mahmoud Abbas said Sunday his peace talks with President Bush accomplished nothing. The talks were conducted under a complete media blackout. It wasn't intended that way but the peace talks were on against the NFL draft on ESPN.

The White House announced Sunday the rebate checks will be mailed earlier than expected. It couldn't be easier. You have the option of either having the six-hundred-dollar check mailed to you or having the money deposited directly in your gas station.

Pasadena was swept by wildfires Sunday, prompting a thousand people to evacuate their dwellings in triple-digit heat. People who lost their million-dollar homes told reporters they still felt lucky. A year ago they were three-million-dollar homes.

Northwestern Law School seniors protested Jerry Springer's selection as the speaker at their commencement next month. The law students complained that he exploits stupid, poor and desperate people for money and comedy. To a lawyer, comedy is over the line.

Wesley Snipes was sentenced to three years of prison Friday for failure to file his income taxes. In the Blade movies he played a hero who was immune to vampires. He just learned the hard way that vampires are only the minor leagues of bloodsuckers.

Al Franken led the polls Tuesday in the Minnesota U.S. Senate race. The comic is a one-issue candidate. He started out as a stop-the-war Democrat but now that the media's moved over to stopping the Clintons, he's just in it for the health insurance.

Washington D.C. will launch a bicycle-sharing program next month designed to encourage more Capitol Hill employees to bike to work. It could save a lot of careers in Congress. Once they hit a pothole on a bicycle, they'll never need a hooker again.

Barack Obama's United Church of Christ pastor Jeremiah Wright gave a fiery and defiant speech at an NAACP dinner in Detroit Sunday. He said blacks have separate rhythms, separate tones, and use a different side of the brain than white people. The next day, Barack Obama sent a coded message to the Episcopal Church saying he was coming in from the cold.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-28-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Pope Benedict drew rave reviews from American journalists following his six-day trip to the U.S. He spent all week on television. After Pope Benedict prayed for world peace at Yankee Stadium on Sunday, Dick Cheney asked the networks for equal time.

NBC's Deal or No Deal drew its lowest ratings ever when President Bush appeared on the show Monday. He's magic. The show is now trillions over budget, Howie Mandel just lost his home to foreclosure, and President Bush traded the nuclear briefcase for one with a hundred dollars in it.

The New York Public Library will be renamed after billionaire Steve Schwarzman after he gave the library a hundred million dollars. That's all it took to get a world landmark named for him. Next, the Statue of Liberty will be known as Donald Trump's Fourth Wife.

Wesley Snipes was sentenced to three years in federal prison Thursday for failing to file income taxes for six years. The sentence came as a shock. He was on track to receive probation and then he said he didn't have time to read the judge's screenplay.

Richard Pryor's widow announced Thursday she will auction off the late comedian's dental plate on eBay to raise money for animal rights. In a way, it's a public service. It's a lesson to young people worldwide that doing cocaine will ruin your teeth.

Mel Brooks will reportedly bring his classic movie Blazing Saddles to Broadway next year. It's about an urbane black cowboy who brings law and order to an all-white town in the Old West which comes to love him. It was Hillary's favorite movie until about a year ago.

Hillary Clinton's campaign raised ten million dollars from eighty thousand new donors on Wednesday. Rush Limbaugh told his listeners to stop sending her money. If Hillary had beaten Barack any harder, it would have looked like an LAPD training film.

The Tennessee Titans reportedly agreed Wednesday to trade suspended cornerback Pacman Jones to the Dallas Cowboys. In three years, he had eight altercations with police. He will fill the team's current vacancy in the Michael Irvin chair in criminology.

Los Angeles stores started rationing rice on Friday and commodities speculators held back deliveries to run up prices. It's a race. Asian families are hoarding their favorite food before Exxon's chemists can figure out a way to make gasoline out of it.

The Automobile Club on Friday forecast record Memorial Day weekend highway travel despite gasoline prices nearing four dollars per gallon. The fact that it's so expensive just makes it all the more exciting. This was Eliot Spitzer's point all along.

The State Department said Friday that baby-selling is rampant in Vietnam. They'd better watch themselves. Americans are sick and tired of being at war in the Mideast and John McCain has been called just about every name in the book except gracious loser.

John McCain toured the Hurricane Katrina-smashed areas of New Orleans Thursday and shook his head at all the damage. He looked exhausted afterwards as he posed for cameras. Staffers had to tell reporters that the woman standing next to Senator McCain is his wife, not his caregiver.

The Treasury Department said Friday the Iraq war costs ten billion dollars a month. It just keeps adding up. That's five thousand dollars a second, or ten thousand dollars for the time it takes you to say that Saddam Hussein was a very bad man.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-27-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

U.S. Judge David Doty denied the NFL's motion to force Michael Vick to give back his sixteen million dollar signing bonus. Something isn't right. Michael Vick is in prison for arranging vicious dogfights while Howard Dean walks the streets a free man.

Homeland Security scrapped its virtual border fence with Mexico Monday because it just doesn't work. It consisted of electronic towers and surveillance radar. In one month the only Mexicans it caught were infielders on Direct TV's baseball package.

Barack Obama denied his comments marked him as an elitist, while Hillary denied being an elitist in Indiana. Who isn't an elitist anymore? We live in a country where you have to pay a hundred dollars a month to watch a TV series about John Adams.

Rocky the Bear killed his trainer near Los Angeles Tuesday. The bear co-starred with Will Ferrell in Semi-Pro. The trainer should have caged Rocky before telling him that he should start thinking about playing the father of the leading bear roles.

Congo police arrested a dozen tribal sorcerers for using black magic to shrink men's penises or make them disappear. This is wrong. These witch doctors should be extradited to the United States right away and hired as House and Senate chaplains.

The National Football League holds its annual college player draft on Saturday at Madison Square Garden. The setting is legendary. This is the same arena where they hold America's favorite dog show, otherwise known as a New York Knicks home game.

Jose Canseco was questioned by federal investigators about his latest charges in a new book. So far he's been right about everything. Federal investigators want to ask Jose Canseco if Iran is making weapons-grade uranium or just developing nuclear power.

Disney Book Group announced Monday that teenage superstar Miley Cyrus will write her memoirs. The sitcom star and pop phenom is fifteen years old. The highlight of the book will be her year in the third grade when she turned her life around.

President Bush said on Tuesday it's time to tap the Alaskan wildlife refuge for oil. Environmentalists oppose it, saying oil drilling discourages mating by caribou and wolves. If they had ever seen an oil rig they would know it only reminds them to mate.

The King of Jordan met with President Bush Wednesday to discuss his Middle East peace concerns. He need not worry. The king and his late father have been lifelong friends of the United States, so we would never try to bring democracy to Jordan.

Formula One racing president Max Mosley vowed to clear his name Monday after he was videotaped at home in London being beaten by five women dressed up as German soldiers. He should come to the states. He'd enjoy running in the Democratic primaries.

Hillary Clinton raised three million dollars in the hours after her victory in Pennsylvania on Tuesday night which barely kept her in the presidential race. It was yet another thrilling escape. You can't be married to Harry Houdini for thirty years and not learn how to get out of a chained-up box at the bottom of the East River.

John McCain campaigned in Kentucky and New Orleans Wednesday. He told the locals to their faces that he was there to highlight poverty and neglect. The North Vietnamese held him prisoner of war for nine years until they just couldn't listen to him anymore.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-25-08

OKLAHOMA CITY--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Hillary Clinton drubbed Barack Obama in Pennsylvania's primary Tuesday. It was all demographics. Little did she know when she forgave her husband for cheating it would someday inspire white guys to vote for her in gratitude for her generous example.

The Shanghai Sheraton put their window washers in Spider-Man costumes Tuesday. It got everyone's attention. The hotel made a big mistake last year when they didn't run a psychological profile on their window washers and handed out Superman costumes.

Barack Obama remained upbeat Wednesday after his pummeling in Pennsylvania. He couldn't knock her out. After Hillary finished beating him Tuesday, the makers of Waterford crystal offered Obama ten million dollars for the naming rights to his jaw.

Walt Disney's amusement park design firm said Tuesday they will build a giant Disneyland-like amusement park in Baghdad. The State Department pushed Disney into doing it fast. If Six Flags got there first it would just mean three more civil wars.

Donald Trump was reported Wednesday to be considering O.J. Simpson's request to appear on NBC's Celebrity Apprentice. It's a perfect pairing. They're both stars, they're both loathed by women, and they're both famous for their cutthroat business techniques.

CNN anchor Richard Quest was arrested in Central Park Friday with a rope tied around his neck and genitals. His bosses at CNN were alarmed. If Larry King tried that with his suspenders they could lose a valuable host when the blue pill kicked in.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell expanded his probe of the New England Patriots in Spygate. No wonder Condi Rice wants to be commissioner. She'd come to the job with a stack of executive orders saying it's okay for patriots to spy in order to win.

The Tudors was picked up by Showtime for a third season on Tuesday and stars Jonathan Rhys Meyers as King Henry VIII. Its success is no surprise. You knew that when reality shows caught on it would eventually lead to beheading wives on television.

Laura Bush insisted Tuesday she won't run for office after she leaves the White House in January. Her record's not good. If she hadn't forced her husband to quit drinking twenty years ago we'd have a president today who was at peace with the world.

The White House secretly briefed congressmen Wednesday about its concerns that North Korea built a nuclear plant in Syria. It's no secret. You can see what the Israeli air force did to the plant six months ago if you Google the word smithereens.

Rush Limbaugh got thousands of Republicans to vote for Hillary Tuesday. He was unapologetic. After much soul searching, Rush decided to sacrifice his conservative principles for the candidate who will be better for jokes during the next eight years.

North Carolina Republicans ran a commercial Thursday showing Barack Obama with his pastor Jeremiah Wright. Then it shows the minister denouncing America. Barack Obama blasted Republicans for running the ad, John McCain asked Republicans to remove the ad, and Hillary denied doing sexual favors for North Carolina Republicans.

The U.N. nuclear watchdog agency reached agreement with Iran on Wednesday and hailed it as a milestone. The timing was no accident. Iran just commissioned a personality profile on Senator John McCain which reveals he makes President Bush look like Gandhi.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-24-08

OKLAHOMA CITY--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Hillary Clinton won the Pennsylvania primary Tuesday, extending her battle with Barack Obama for the nomination. It looked close for awhile. The networks wouldn't project a winner until they talked to Michael Vick to see if he had a dog in this fight.

President Bush made a video appearance on Deal or No Deal Monday to root on an Army captain who ended up winning eighty thousand bucks. It's the president's new policy on improving veterans' benefits. He puts them on game shows and wishes them luck.

The National Football League expressed concern on Tuesday over reports of lead in the artificial turf in their stadiums. The players are increasingly at risk. If you think there's lead in the artificial turf you should see the shell casings on the floor of the strip clubs.

Doris Day's new biography tells of her love affair with Mickey Mantle. They would meet at his St. Regis Hotel suite. Alex Rodriguez just learned that real New York Yankee stars don't go to strip joints, they have Doris Day brought to their room.

Long Island's Young Democrats protested Tuesday that global warming is reducing the harvests of hops, causing beer prices to soar. Environmentalists are alarmed. The recycling industry could collapse without beer bottles and cans from college towns.

Laura Bush guest-hosted the Today show Tuesday and conducted an Earth Day tour of the Crawford ranch. The idea was to show how eco-friendly it is. She even took viewers around to the back of the horse stalls to show how the foreign policy is made.

President Bush insisted Tuesday that the U.S. economy is not in recession. The nation faces record-high gas prices, food shortages and a collapse in the home mortgage market. It's making Americans nostalgic for the relative peace and quiet of terrorism.

New York Mercantile Exchange traders saw oil prices reach one hundred twenty dollars per barrel Tuesday. On top of that, food prices have skyrocketed. Prince William just lost his girlfriend to a guy who's forty pounds overweight and has a full tank of gas.

Hillary Clinton kept rolling with her win in Pennsylvania on Tuesday. Her task is now threefold. She must raise money, win in Indiana and address the fear that if elected president, her husband will turn the White House into a polygamist compound.

John McCain was in Ohio Tuesday where he assured steelworkers that he can make free trade work for them. That's actually true. If John McCain becomes president, much of the world will purchase bomb shelters reinforced with good old American steel.

The White House proposed new fuel-economy standards on Tuesday. They want cars to average thirty-two miles a gallon in seven years. The very idea of President Bush proposing fuel economy is like President Clinton proposing abstinence education.

Hillary Clinton showed images of Osama bin Laden in late television ads Monday, hinting Barack Obama wouldn't be a tough president. It was way below the belt. The pope's wheels were barely in the air before things got back to normal in America.

Al-Qaeda's second-in-command Ayman al-Zawahiri blasted Palestinian terror group Hamas Tuesday for meeting with Jimmy Carter and telling him they might agree to recognize Israel. You can't make it up. In one meeting Jimmy Carter ticked off both Al-Qaeda and the Bush administration, proving again that he can bring people together.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-23-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Danica Patrick made auto sports history Sunday, becoming the first woman to win an Indy Car race with a win in Tokyo. She won the Indy Japan 300. President Bush telephoned her afterwards and congratulated her on bowling twelve consecutive strikes.

Hillary Clinton made a last-minute appeal for voter turnout in Pennsylvania in campaign ads Monday. She invoked Pearl Harbor and the Berlin Wall and Gettysburg. She didn't give up when she was under attack then, and she's not going to give up now.

Barack Obama denied taking lobbyist money for his presidential campaign Monday in Pennsylvania. He insists his donors are just regular folks who throw him fifty dollars when they have it. He was smart to design his website to look like a gas pump.

Los Angeles Airport Monday began offering passengers a choice between a pat-down or full-body scan. What's unique is that they scan just the passengers coming into Los Angeles. Anyone found overweight or flat-chested is put on the next plane flight home.

Harrison Ford was reported Monday to have worked in the new Indiana Jones film for no money until it makes a profit. The character is getting old. After Harrison Ford kisses the leading lady the audience has to wait thirty minutes for the fade-out.

The New York Sun said Monday Americans in some parts of the country have begun hoarding food. They're stocking up on flour, rice and cooking oil. Whenever people go into a survival mode the Atkins Diet is the first thing thrown out of the lifeboat.

Cuba's government television network added The Sopranos to their fall schedule Monday. It could be seen as sympathy for dictators. For thirty-five years they've aired the movie Jaws every night to discourage ballplayers from going to the Yankees.

Saddam Hussein's cousin Chemical Ali was hospitalized in Baghdad Tuesday while he awaits trial. He's been charged with manufacturing Saddam Hussein's weapons of mass destruction. The moral is, never hire a relative if you really want the job done.

Pope Benedict flew home to Rome Sunday after a pilgrimage to America that went nearly perfectly. He couldn't have been too happy about preaching from the mound in Yankee Stadium. Any distance between the performer and the front row kills your jokes.

The World Wrestling Federation offered to let Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama settle the Democratic nomination in the wrestling ring. It wouldn't be a fair fight. Barack has never thrown a chair in his life while Hillary has thirty years' experience.

John McCain raised concerns about his candidacy Monday when he reported raising only fifteen million dollars in March. He doesn't need to raise much money at this stage. It only costs him three dollars to eat if he gets to Denny's before five o'clock.

John McCain tried to reach out to African-Americans in Alabama Monday with his speech at a community center near the famed Selma Bridge. He wanted to remind black voters that not every Republican's their enemy. So he drove through town in a Lincoln.

President Bush hosted a conference in New Orleans to show the city has recovered from Hurricane Katrina. The storm caused many to lose faith. It's hard to reconcile an Old Testament God who would destroy homes and churches and spare the French Quarter.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-22-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

The New York Yankees denied Pope Benedict permission to ride the popemobile on Yankee Stadium's grass Sunday. It shows no respect for all that is holy. Imagine the pope wanting to drive a car on the ground where Mantle, DiMaggio, and Ruth once stood.

President Bush hosted a NAFTA meeting with leaders of Canada and Mexico Monday and denounced what he called the scare tactics of isolation. It's a question of executive authority. He's the only one in Washington who's licensed to use scare tactics.

Prince William caused an uproar Sunday by landing his air force helicopter in his girlfriend's yard. Tabloids headlined the swashbuckling stunt. He could have been our king too, but thanks to John Adams all we get is Jenna Bush releasing a children's book.

Hillary Clinton was endorsed Sunday by former nemesis and Pittsburgh newspaper owner Richard Mellon Scaife. It's pure self-interest. Ever since Bill Clinton moved out of the White House, newspaper circulation in America has been falling like a stone.

Ted Danson tended bar in a Fort Wayne saloon on Saturday while campaigning for Hillary. She drank whiskey shots on camera in Indiana, prompting Barack to down beers at a honky-tonk in Latrobe. The last Democrat to feel your pain was Bill Clinton.

Pope Benedict led a church service in Yankee Stadium Sunday. The crowd recited the statement of confession and then the pope absolved them of all their sins. People came from all over America just so they could sin in New York the night before.

Pope Benedict was given a parade up Fifth Avenue in Manhattan Saturday. It was a novel sight. Usually when two million New Yorkers drop to their knees and call out the name of Jesus Christ, it means the Yankees just blew another late-inning lead.

Pope Benedict drew adoring crowds in the United States all weekend. The church has had two consecutive outstanding popes. Now the pressure is on for Howard Dean to fire all of the superdelegates and replace them with the College of Cardinals.

The Olympic flame left Malaysia Monday en route to Nepal, where the torch will be carried up Mount Everest. Chinese officials gave soldiers orders to shoot all protesters. China must be on the road to democracy, they just adopted the Nixon Doctrine.

Princeton physicist Edward Lorenz, who fathered the chaos theory, died at ninety Friday. His contended that a butterfly flapping its wings in Brazil could set off a tornado in Texas. Before we had global warming everything was the butterfly's fault.

The London Marathon was run last weekend by a one-hundred-year-old man who ran the twenty-six-mile race in ten hours. He stopped halfway for a pint of beer and a cigarette. When you've beaten the Germans twice, no one questions your workout routine.

The French Assembly passed a bill Tuesday making it a crime for advertisers to incite extreme thinness in women in magazine ads. French men aren't concerned that women will starve themselves to death. It's just that the breasts are the first to go.

CNN anchor Richard Quest was arrested in Central Park late Thursday. Police say he was wearing a single rope tied around his neck and genitals. Ever since Luciano Pavarotti died, the competition has been fierce for the title of World's Greatest Tenor.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-21-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

The Weather Channel reported earthquakes in downstate Illinois Friday centered in Springfield. It was quickly a campaign issue. Within the hour, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama were accusing each other of causing Abe Lincoln to spin in his grave.

Houston Astros star Miguel Tejada was confronted by ESPN Thursday with a birth certificate proving he's two years older than listed. A reporter can't legally do this to somebody in California. It's considered a breach of actor-God confidentiality.

Britney Spears crashed her Mercedes-Benz convertible into the trunk of another car in Los Angeles last Saturday. She just recently got her driver's license. She wasn't allowed to drive in Los Angeles until her doctor certified her as mentally ill.

Wisconsin microbrewer Tom Seefurth began selling Mamma Mia pizza-flavored beer in Madison Friday. It lets busy Americans do two things at once. Perhaps Congress will pass the free trade deal with Colombia if they'll grow Cheetos-flavored marijuana.

Barack Obama complained about his debate questions from ABC News. They questioned his ties to unrepentant Weather Underground anarchists who blew up police stations. Only Vitamin C attaches itself to more free floating radicals than Barack Obama does.

ABC News was jubilant over the ratings for their debate between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama Wednesday. It drew ten million viewers. Fox just announced plans to replace American Idol with a reality show which combines witch trials with lynchings.

Pope Benedict spoke to the U.N. on Friday, where he urged collective intervention to enforce human rights. Earlier in the day he met with weeping sex abuse victims. No one knows who set up the meeting with the Congressional pages but it was a mistake.

Pope Benedict urged diplomacy in his U.N. speech Friday, invoking Jesus's command to do unto others as you would have them do unto you. The assembly fell silent at these words. Only a German accent can make the Golden Rule sound like a final warning.

Pope Benedict was honored with a parade down Fifth Avenue in New York Saturday in his popemobile. Hundreds of thousands of people stood ten-deep and cheered the head of their church. Barack Obama has never seen so much bitterness in all his life.

Pope Benedict held an interfaith meeting Saturday before he delivered a speech at New York's Park East Synagogue. He went to a Jewish temple for a reason. Just like comedians, popes love to go where audiences have never heard their material before.

John McCain released his tax returns Friday, showing he earned four hundred thousand dollars last year. His wife is worth a hundred million dollars. By nominating John McCain, Republicans are sending a signal they aren't conceding the gigolo vote to the Democrats.

Vladimir Putin was reported Friday to have divorced his wife to marry Olympic gold medal winner Alina Kabayeva. She's a gymnast known for her extreme flexibility. She has to be flexible for when they play their favorite game, the oil man and the tax collector.

Jimmy Carter met with exiled leaders of the Hamas terrorist group in Syria Friday despite Israel's furious opposition to the meeting. He said his purpose was to start a dialogue between two peoples who won't talk to each other. He wanted an easier challenge after he couldn't get Paul McCartney and Heather Mills to bury the hatchet.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-20-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

ABC News aired a debate between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton Wednesday. It was the Democratic party's twenty-first debate. No one wants to say it feels like this presidential campaign will never end but the debates are now old enough to drink.

Pope Benedict preached at a worship service at Yankee Stadium in New York City Saturday before he conducted a high mass. Over fifty thousand worshippers were in attendance. All denominations were welcomed, but fifties and hundreds were encouraged.

Safeway blamed soaring food prices Friday on the demand for corn as a gasoline substitute. Farmers are making a killing turning fields into fuel depots. Don't be surprised if before the president leaves office he tries to bring democracy to Kansas.

President Bush met with British Prime Minister Gordon Brown at the White House Thursday. The timing was perfect. There's nothing like a papal visit to distract the press and give the British Empire a chance to get together and plan its next expansion.

Gordon Brown told a White House press conference Thursday the civilized world owes President Bush a tremendous debt of gratitude for his willingness to fight terrorism all over the world. He knows the rules. You say that or you don't get dinner.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown arrived in America for meetings Wednesday. For years he's summered at Cape Cod next door to Ted Kennedy's home. However they've never run into each other, most likely because they both drive on the left side of the road.

Pope Benedict tried to heal a breach with Muslims, Hindus, Sikhs and Buddhists at a meeting Thursday. A past comment he made insulted and alienated them. Normally to anger that many religions with one remark you would have to criticize Barack Obama.

Hillary Clinton was hammered by ABC News in the debate for claiming she dodged sniper fire at Bosnia's airport. The story has evolved. Now she says she fired two Bosnians for doing shots of Crown Royal on the tarmac that had been poured for her.

Barack Obama was quizzed in ABC's debate over his ties to a Sixties radical and his pastor's anti-American sermons. Now rednecks don't have to admit they oppose him because he's black. They haven't had this much cover fire since the Battle of Bull Run.

Barack Obama told a San Francisco crowd small-town Americans turn to guns and religion when they're bitter. No one in the room thought there was anything wrong with what he said. This is why San Francisco comedians can't get work outside San Francisco.

U.S. Congressman Peter DeFazio introduced a bill Wednesday to ban cell phone use during airline flights. The airlines will soon relax rules and allow passengers to use their cell phones. It gives them something to put in their mouths in lieu of food.

The Transportation Department ordered airlines to pay passengers who get bumped from flights a penalty payment. The government ordered airlines to pay passengers eight hundred dollars for each bump. The Washington D.C. madam is going to jail for less.

A Los Angeles jury on Thursday convicted two elderly women dubbed the Black Widows for buying life insurance policies on homeless men and then running them over with their car and killing them. It was a stupid scheme. As much money as they spent on gasoline to run these guys over, the entire insurance payout went straight to Exxon.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-18-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Massachusetts Institute of Technology professor Edward Lorenz died on Tuesday at home at the age of ninety. He became famous as the father of chaos theory. All flags at the U.S. State Department will fly at half-staff for the next thirty days.

Pope Benedict held a televised prayer ceremony with U.S. bishops at the National Shrine Wednesday. It wasn't on for long. The network coverage was interrupted by the release of the NFL schedule and the president's annual address on the NFL schedule.

The White House hosted the pope along with fifteen thousand guests on the South Lawn Wednesday. The crowd hung upon his every word. Pope Benedict looks fifteen years younger than he actually is, and Americans of all faiths were anxious to hear how he does it.

Pope Benedict held mass for fifty thousand people at the Washington Nationals' new stadium Thursday. Rival teams reacted. Acting on a tip, construction workers jackhammered into the stadium and removed a jersey from Southern Methodist University.

Pope Benedict said Wednesday his visit is a church visit, not a state visit. He also said freedom's foundation crumbles whenever the truth is lost. He couldn't have insulted President Bush any more directly if he had urged Oklahoma to beat Texas.

Pope Benedict was cheered by thousands of Roman Catholics Wednesday during his parade in Washington. He faces problems that require his prayers. The church has to sell off real estate to pay the sexual abuse claims and the market's just terrible.

The Supreme Court upheld the constitutionality of execution by lethal injection on Wednesday. The methods vary. Some states use the electric chair, some states use the gas chamber, but in California they find somebody younger who looks just like you.

Hillary Clinton was endorsed by the Plasterers Union Tuesday. Support law and order, you get the Police Union, support tariffs, you get the autoworkers. Drink a shot and a beer on camera, and you are the national spokesman for getting plastered.

John McCain's wife Cindy got into hot water when an intern copied recipes from the Food Network and posted them as McCain Family Recipes. Cindy's nearly anorexic and John was a prisoner of war. The only family recipe they've got is bread and water.

Bruce Springsteen said Wednesday that Barack Obama speaks to the America he's envisioned in his music for thirty-five years. It was startling. When anyone admits his age in show business it can only mean he's angling for an affordable housing unit.

Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama squared off in another debate Wednesday night in Philadelphia. They're going to fight to the bloody end. It's such a death match with so much on the line that Frank Langella just optioned the rights to play Hillary.

British Prime Minister Gordon Brown had lunch in New York on Wednesday with top Wall Street executives. It was startling to see investment bankers chatting with the head of a Labor Party. They've fallen so far they are thinking of unionizing.

The Consumer Price Index indicated Monday that grocery prices skyrocketed this first quarter, and chips, cola and beer are through the roof. The calories aren't a problem. With gasoline at four dollars a gallon we are walking it off as fast as we can eat it.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-17-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Pope Benedict arrived at Andrews Air Force Base aboard Shepherd One on Tuesday where he was met by President Bush. It was nationally televised. When the plane executed a perfect touchdown, the pope ordered a tape of the landing sent to Notre Dame.

Indonesia cracked down on prostitution in the capital city of Jakarta Monday. The police have ordered all masseuses to padlock their pants. If you lock your keys in your car in Indonesia you might have to wait a week before a locksmith can get to you.

South Africa's Trevor Immelman won the Masters at Augusta National Golf Club in Georgia. He's a natural favorite there. Every February Bishop Desmond Tutu used to attend spring training in Georgia to get in shape for the apartheid protest season.

Robert Redford announced Monday that he will produce and star in a movie about Jackie Robinson breaking Major League Baseball's color barrier with the Brooklyn Dodgers. Everybody in Hollywood had the same reaction. He's much too old for the part.

Herschel Walker said in his book released Monday that he had a multiple personality disorder throughout his football career. He said he managed twelve separate personalities. It should have been apparent during his senior season when he beat Clemson by himself.

American Idol topped the ratings again last week for Fox Network. Many tune in for the judges. It's fun to see an erratic woman, a smooth black guy and a cranky white guy arguing over something besides which one of them should be elected president.

Hillary Clinton accused Barack Obama of elitism as she downed a shot of Crown Royal in an Indiana bar Saturday. She meant well. Leave it to Hillary to order a super premium Canadian whiskey to show her solidarity with America's working class.

John McCain was interviewed on Hardball at Villanova University Tuesday where he defended the war in Iraq and speculated on a war with Iran. The candidate had no trouble filling the arena. They were giving away free draft exemptions at the door.

Barack Obama played basketball on HBO's Real Sports Tuesday. His brother-in-law said he used to play like a black player but now he plays white to avoid any injuries. Whenever he drives the lane he stops to make sure the kids are buckled in.

Pope Benedict was cheered by the official U.S. delegation when his plane landed Tuesday. No one dared to bring up the pope's Nazi past. If not for captured Nazi rocket scientists, there would be a lot more people without jobs in Texas and Florida.

China demanded an apology from CNN after commentator Jack Cafferty called Chinese leaders goons and thugs. He also said China's products are junk. It's nice to know there's a government somewhere that doesn't have every TV set tuned to Fox News.

Delta Airlines was reported Tuesday to be near approval of a merger with Northwest Airlines as regulators went over details. It's huge. If you combine the number of passengers in their economy class cabins, only Zimbabwe lets more people starve every day.

President Bush ordered the release of two hundred million dollars in emergency food aid Monday in response to food riots overseas in the Third World. The guy just can't win. President Bush will hold the distinction of being the only president in history held responsible for a food shortage and an obesity epidemic at the same time.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-16-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

The History News Network released a poll on Monday which shows ninety-eight percent of historians rate President Bush's presidency a failure. This would explain why Pope Benedict is arriving in Washington today. This is too big a job for Billy Graham.

The World Bank warned Monday that the high cost of food and resulting food shortage is causing Third World hunger riots. There must be a solution. Scientists all over the world are trying to develop crops that Americans cannot convert into gasoline.

A New York collector bought a fifty-year-old film of Marilyn Monroe giving oral sex to a man whose face is never seen. The FBI once seized the film to try to prove the man was Jack Kennedy. It was intended as a training film for White House interns.

Florida police arrested a man for trying to sell fake crack cocaine to elderly residents at a nursing home in Jacksonville. The joke was on the crack dealer. The seniors paid for it with their health insurance so he only got ten cents on the dollar.

Barack Obama was called elitist on Sunday for saying small-town Americans turn to guns and religion when they get bitter. He should admit to being elitist. After eight years of a regular guy in the White House, a guy who is better than everybody might be a nice change of pace.

Hillary Clinton spent the weekend in an Indiana bar drinking beer and shots of whiskey and telling everybody how her father taught her how to shoot. She refused to say when she last fired a gun. The Secret Service kept wrestling it out of her hand.

Barack Obama ridiculed Hillary Clinton as Annie Oakley for her claim that her father taught her to shoot. No one should pretend that he doesn't have lots of experience with guns himself. He was a community organizer on the south side of Chicago.

Hillary Clinton barnstormed through Indiana Saturday depicting Barack Obama as elitist. She's wealthy, has an Ivy League degree, is Anglo-Norman and Methodist. No one will accuse her of being elitist while Roseanne Barr is her outreach coordinator.

Barack Obama's pastor Jeremiah Wright surfaced Monday and refused to apologize for past anti-American sermons. The church drew huge crowds to hear the pastor's edgy racial rhetoric. How many ministers can say they were ordained by Richard Pryor?

Kentucky GOP Congressman Geoff Davis called Barack Obama a boy in his remarks at a Lincoln Day dinner over the weekend. He said that boy's finger should not be on the button. And now he's in big trouble all over Kentucky for honoring Abe Lincoln.

Pacific Airlines on Monday announced a massive six-year expansion program to make the airline a major carrier. They look out for their customers. All their posted emergency instructions are in Spanish so the Californians can get off the plane first.

Mitt Romney pledged Thursday to raise fifteen million dollars for John McCain's campaign. Perhaps he thinks it will help him get the VP nod. Perhaps he doesn't see the raids on Texas polygamy ranches giving him a perception problem down the road.

The New York Yankees hired workers to excavate a Red Sox jersey from the new Yankee Stadium's concrete foundation, where it was buried by a Boston fan who wanted to place a permanent hex on the Bronx Bombers. The Yankees wanted him prosecuted but officials said he hadn't committed any crime. Witchcraft is only against the law in Massachusetts.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-15-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Pfizer celebrates the tenth anniversary of the Viagra pill on Friday. It allows older men to have sex whenever they want. Hillary Clinton's campaign aides argued all day over whether to hail this as one of her husband's accomplishments as president.

Eminem was asked to sing at a concert in Nelson Mandela's honor when he comes to Washington D.C. this summer. Both men will go down in history. Nelson Mandela ended racial apartheid in South Africa and Eminem broke the color barrier in rap music.

Chinese citizens were infuriated when Paris protesters mauled a Chinese girl in a wheelchair who was carrying the Olympic torch. They want to boycott all things French. Until things cool off, the McDonald's in Beijing will be required to sell Prison Fries.

World War Two pilots held a reunion in Washington D.C. Saturday and were honored for bombing Nazi Germany. It's a small world. Pope Benedict was an anti-aircraft gunner in Germany so there's a chance they could bump into each other again this week.

Dick Cheney was photographed during a fishing trip last week and appeared to have a naked woman reflected in his sunglasses in the close-up. This guy draws a sick crowd. Suicidals go hunting with the vice president while nudists go fishing with him.

Senator John McCain finally agreed Monday to release his military and civilian medical records to the public and the press. It's not polite to ask if his actual age is listed. John McCain is so old that running for president is on his Bucket List.

Massachusetts legislators considered a dollar per pack tax increase on cigarettes on Friday to pay for the universal health care program. It's brutal. If they penalize smokers any more, tobacco is going to have a sentencing disparity with powdered cocaine.

Hillary Clinton clamped down on Bill Clinton's behavior Friday and ordered him to tone down his campaign rhetoric onstage. It was historic. She publicly told her husband to keep it zipped, and for the first time in thirty years she meant his mouth.

Barack Obama caused a firestorm by saying people in America instinctively turn to guns and religion whenever they are bitter. Who briefed this guy? Americans turn to guns and religion whenever they want to found the United States or defend it.

President Bush announced Saturday he will attend the Beijing Olympics despite street protests over China's crackdown on Tibet. He regards it as a sporting event. In China it's not really spring until you hear the sound of the bat hitting the head.

Arnold Schwarzenegger reversed himself Saturday and said he won't support a ban on same-sex marriage in California. He was doing the gay community a big favor by not letting them get married. This way they can only lose their houses to foreclosure.

President Bush threw a barbecue for five hundred top donors in Crawford Friday, but their names were kept secret. Every year he hosts them at a neighbor's place. Oil men are so unpopular that they have to meet like Klansmen on outlying ranches at night.

Randolph College in Virginia took a field trip to the Chicken Ranch brothel in Nevada on Friday. The students received lectures on how to use sex for marketing tie-ins and product branding. General Motors is so serious about turning the company around they are sending all their marketing people back for remedial training.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-14-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

The Dalai Lama arrived in Seattle Thursday to begin a thirteen-day tour of the United States. He'll discuss the crisis in Tibet. It was originally scheduled to be a three-day tour of the United States, but his travel agent booked him on American.

The Olympic torch relay was in Buenos Aires Friday after angry street protests shut down three major world cities. It's a shame. The protests take the focus away from what the games are supposed to be all about, taking illegal drugs to win medals.

Prince William received his pilot's wings in the Royal Air Force on Friday. He has served in the army and air force and next is the navy. It's part of his training to be king, unlike in the Bush family where they spend fifteen minutes with Billy Graham.

Pope Benedict chose not to attend a White House dinner in his honor Wednesday night. Roman Catholic leaders nationwide made plans to be at the dinner hoping to see him, but he had other plans. He's going to Indiana to wash the feet of Barack Obama.

Pope Benedict is holding a mass at Yankee Stadium Saturday with fifty thousand Roman Catholics. It won't just be communion and a sermon. He'll also be baptizing infants with holy oil, but at one hundred and seven dollars a barrel, what oil isn't?

The New York Yankees learned Friday they were sabotaged by a construction worker who buried a Red Sox jersey in their new stadium's concrete base. It was a jinx. It has already brought bad luck to the mob witness who was wearing the Red Sox jersey.

President Bush was accused Friday of hoarding oil in the Strategic Petroleum Reserve. He is purchasing a hundred thousand barrels of oil a day while oil is at its highest price in history. His mother raised him not to show off and he has never let her down.

Cindy McCain told Access Hollywood Friday she was addicted to painkillers. The pretty blonde was a rodeo queen and heiress to a huge Phoenix beer distributorship. If John McCain cheated on her with a lobbyist, he missed his calling as a kamikaze pilot.

Bill Clinton was ripped Friday after House auditors revealed his taxpayer-paid office expenses. He has run up a four hundred thousand dollar phone bill since he left office. It never occurred to Congress to block all 900 numbers for ex-presidents.

Hillary Clinton vowed in Philadelphia Friday she will repeal the mandatory five-year prison sentence for crack cocaine users. What a clever ploy. She wants to trick Barack Obama's supporters into thinking that all will be forgiven when she wins.

Major League Baseball owners and players came to a labor agreement on steroids penalties Friday. It gives everyone who was named in the Mitchell Report amnesty. No team can afford to lose their shortstop just because he's in the country illegally.

The Labor Department said Friday thousands of illegal immigrants are returning to Mexico due to the construction slump. Not everyone's happy. With Mexicans going home and Charlton Heston gone it's practically impossible to get your ceiling painted.

Pfizer Pharmaceuticals marked the tenth anniversary of the federal approval of the Viagra pill on Tuesday. Nothing ever had less trouble getting congressional approval. The difference between the House vote on going to war with Japan and the vote for Viagra's approval is that there was one vote against going to war with Japan.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-13-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

President Bush gave a speech Thursday declaring his resolve to stay the course in Iraq. It lowered morale. He's reducing troop deployments from fifteen months to twelve months but he is bringing them home on American Airlines, so it comes out even.

Augusta National will host the final round of the Masters on Sunday. The sport lives in its own special world. The Golf Channel asked President Bush to boycott the opening ceremony of the Olympics because of the cruelty of China's pin placements.

Bill Clinton was called the most expensive ex-president in history Thursday by congressional auditors for his cost to the taxpayers. How many times do the bean counters of this world need to hear this before it finally sinks in. Funny isn't free.

Air America radio host Randi Rhodes resigned rather than apologize for calling Hillary Clinton a whore while speaking onstage in San Francisco. It was painful to watch. Two drinks and a microphone have ended more careers than rotator cuff surgery.

Jimmy Carter infuriated the White House Friday by stating he will fly to Syria to meet with Palestinian terrorist Khaled Mashaal. Talk about bad company. This guy is number one on Israel's most wanted list, and Khaled Mashaal is a close second.

A Baltimore teacher was attacked by a female student last Friday when the teacher told her to be seated. It was recorded by a cell phone. It made people long for the good old days when teachers and students relieved classroom tension by having sex together.

John McCain looked vigorous when he appeared on ABC's The View Thursday. Nobody mentions age on this show. The senator can't talk about his age right now anyway, he's too busy denying rumors that he and Mary Todd Lincoln were more than just friends.

John McCain toured Brooklyn Thursday where he said government should help deserving homeowners pay their mortgage payments. He didn't explain how he would separate the deserving from the undeserving. Once a bomber pilot, always a bomber pilot.

Barack Obama said Thursday he supports the repeal of the Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy on gays in the military. The issue hasn't been in the news lately. At this juncture most people think sodomy's what the United States did to Saddam Hussein.

Pakistan said it might end the house arrest of rogue nuclear scientist A.Q. Khan, who is exalted in Pakistan as the Father of the Islamic Bomb. He has sold nuclear technology on the black market. Every ten years another country cuts in front of Iran.

President Bush announced to no one's surprise on Thursday that he's halting the post-surge drawdown of U.S. troops in Iraq. He said we are now at war with al-Qaeda and Iran. If he can just get one more war punched on his card he gets a free car wash.

Pope Benedict will arrive in New York Saturday amid heavy security. He will be guarded by undercover cops, marksmen on roofs and police dogs on his parade route. The overall idea is to make him feel at home by re-creating his childhood in Germany.

Christie's auctioned a nude photo of France's first lady Carla Sarkozy. President Sarkozy dumped his first wife after his election and married the supermodel. French presidents don't typically win trophies for military valor so they have to marry them.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-11-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

San Francisco hosted the Olympic torch relay Wednesday amid protests against China's troops beating Tibetans with sticks. Congress is concerned. We should have asked about China's collections department before we borrowed ten trillion dollars from them.

The Weather Channel showed spectacular hailstorms and lightning strikes across the South and up in Wyoming. The severe weather only struck the gun rights states. However, Charlton Heston is working night and day with Ben Hogan to correct his slice.

American Airlines canceled a thousand flights Wednesday to inspect the wiring on its jets. It's obvious why. Ever since airlines stopped serving food in economy class, passengers have been gnawing through the floorboards on cross-country flights.

Doris Day the Untold Story reveals the affair Doris Day had with Mickey Mantle in 1962. He was a star and she was a star and they met regularly at a New York hotel, and no one noticed. The Cuban Missile Crisis had everybody looking up that fall.

Rob Lowe sued two former nannies in Beverly Hills Tuesday for spreading gossip that he tried to bed them. They signed confidentiality agreements. The sex scandal is the first sign that NBC's West Wing will be back this fall with Rob Lowe as president.

Hugo Chavez canceled The Simpsons on Venezuelan television Tuesday. He deemed it inappropriate for kids and replaced it with Baywatch. What leader doesn't think that big-busted women in bikinis are better for children than anti-government satire?

President Bush refused Wednesday to cancel his plans to attend the Olympics opening ceremonies in Beijing. China's government spies on its citizens, jails enemies without trials and disregards its legislature. They're as big a supporter of freedom as he is.

Rush Limbaugh quoted a New Republic article Wednesday digging up Barack Obama's pastor Jeremiah Wright's past. He was a Muslim and Black Nationalist. At this point only a DNA test will convince anyone that Barack Obama's real mother isn't Patty Hearst.

Hillary Clinton said reasonable people differ over the merits of the Colombia free-trade deal, admitting she's against it and her husband is for it. Bill takes the money for supporting the trade deal while Hillary takes the votes for opposing the trade deal. Chelsea taught them how to do that when she worked for the hedge fund.

John McCain said Wednesday if elected president he won't rule out a pre-emptive war if he feels it is necessary. He must know the limits. Americans will support pre-emptive war only if it's for oil, not to get even with some interrogator in Hanoi.

Senator Jay Rockefeller apologized for saying John McCain didn't care where his bombs fell on Vietnam. Imagine Rockefeller's surprise at all the demands for an apology. People who own Exxon aren't used to anybody telling them that they're wrong.

New York's Mercantile Exchange saw oil prices continue to climb Wednesday. The dwindling value of our currency helps run up the cost per barrel. There was a time when Americans thought that nothing was as valuable as the U.S. dollar, and today it is.

Eliot Spitzer was swarmed by photographers Tuesday when he arrived at New York University Medical Center. No one knows why. His friends have been concerned about his health ever since they found out he coughed up four thousand dollars for a hooker.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-10-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Charlton Heston was remembered Saturday as a charismatic movie actor who could fill a Cinerama-sized screen with his presence. That man was a real star. Now that Charlton Heston is in heaven, Moses can't get a table in any of the best restaurants.

Tiger Woods tees off in the Masters in Augusta today, two days after the entire South was pelted by golf ball-sized hail. None of the golfers got their golf balls mixed up with the hailstones. On God's golf balls, Titleist is spelled right to left.

General David Petraeus gave his Iraq recommendations to the Senate Tuesday. He looked tense. President Bush always says he'll take the advice of his commanders right after he fires all the commanders who don't give him the advice he wants to take.

The White House proposed a free trade deal with Colombia on Tuesday. They grow sugar and cocaine and coffee. It's only right to grant trade preference to the country that taught Baby Boomers that breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

Louisiana Senator David Vitter was ordered to testify Monday in the Washington D.C. madam trial. Louisianans are by nature tolerant of lust, gambling and alcohol. Thomas Jefferson bought the place just so he could have a weekend getaway from the Puritans.

President Bush met with LSU's national championship football team at the White House Tuesday. He praised the team for taking a lot of fourth-down risks. How many hints does Iran need to figure out that President Bush is going long on the next play?

The Weather Channel aired spectacular video of spring hailstorms and lightning strikes in the Southwest on Tuesday. They reported that Tulsa had ten thousand strikes in just one hour. It reminded Barack Obama never to try to bowl against Tulsa.

Hillary Clinton hit one bowling pin on the Ellen DeGeneres show Tuesday to prove she can bowl better than Barack, after he'd bowled a gutter ball. Pennsylvania Democrats aren't amused. To the working class, being a terrible bowler is the first sign of a monarchist.

Bill Clinton released all his post-presidential tax returns last Friday. They show he made a hundred and ten million in the last seven years. Now every time he complains about President Bush's failed economic policies, it sounds greedy beyond comprehension.

Alan Greenspan told CNBC reporters Tuesday the U.S. economy is in recession. Yet he's doing quite well himself. Alan Greenspan retired last year as the Chairman of the Federal Reserve, and with that generally comes a lucrative modeling career.

Congress learned Tuesday that government workers charged tailor-made suits, Internet dating, lingerie and dinners to their government credit cards. The timing is no accident. It's a clever ploy to take everyone's mind off the money we're wasting in Iraq.

John McCain got Sunnis mixed up with Shiites while describing insurgents in Southern Iraq during Senate hearings Tuesday. Recently in Israel he confused al-Qaeda fighters with Iranian-backed militants in Iraq. Last week John McCain had to be physically restrained from marking the anniversary of the assassination of Lex Luthor.

Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said Tuesday his nation is making great progress on its nuclear program. He said scientists are installing thousands of new centrifuges to enrich uranium. In Los Angeles, this is known as suicide by cop.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-9-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

San Francisco protesters climbed up the cables of the Golden Gate Bridge Monday to protest China's brutality. It's why Asian immigrants do so well in America. While everybody else is jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge, they found a way to climb up it.

Princess Diana's death was ruled an unlawful killing by a British jury Monday. She was in a limo going one hundred twenty miles an hour and not wearing a seat belt. It's believed to be the last time a celebrity decided to show centrifugal force who's boss.

Japanese women were reported Monday to be paying male escorts fifty thousand dollars a night to sit with them at dinner and listen to them. There's no sex. If we put Guantanamo prisoners through this we would know where bin Laden was hiding by dessert.

Formula One chairman Max Mosley was taped being spanked by five hookers dressed as Nazis at a club in the London suburb of Chelsea. He refused to resign Monday. Bill and Hillary Clinton are demanding that he be fired for linking prostitutes to Chelsea.

Elton John will perform at a fundraiser for Hillary Clinton tonight at Radio City Music Hall. He's done previous tributes to Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana. If Hillary Clinton were any deader she would be on the Larry King Show for the full hour.

Larry King was ejected from a Beverly Hills Little League game last week where his nine-year-old boy was playing. It's a special setting. In Beverly Hills Little League, if a kid gets four balls he doesn't walk, his mother drives him to first base.

CBS News was reported Monday to be negotiating to outsource all news reporting to CNN. The cable news networks are all ripe takeover targets. Their daily coverage of Barack Obama is so worshipful that they're now tax-exempt as religious broadcasters.

Bob Barr volunteered to run for president as the Libertarian Party candidate Monday. No one noticed. Hillary and Barack are taking up so much of the media attention that Britney Spears has been driven to the brink of insanity, even if it was a short drive.

Condoleezza Rice lobbied Sunday to be considered for the GOP vice presidential nod despite her record of foreign policy debacles. The GOP presidential nominee would have to be clinically insane to add her to the ticket. So it's as good as done.

John McCain campaigned in Kansas City on Monday where he touted his leadership skills. He's swimming against the tide. After eight years of leadership, Americans are longing for the days when we elected our presidents for their entertainment value.

John McCain's spokeswoman said Friday he never touches alcohol, when everyone in Washington knows he loves vodka martinis. They took women away from Clinton and he blows up every two days, they took alcohol away from Bush and he invaded Iraq. Take vodka martinis away from McCain and the White House physician will be Dr. Strangelove.

Iraqi rebel leader Muqtada al-Sadr vowed Monday he would disband his insurgent militia only if he's ordered to do so by senior religious leaders. That's just not going to happen. President Bush says he will not interfere in Iraq's internal affairs.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-8-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

The San Francisco Giants removed every image of Barry Bonds from their stadium before this week's home opener. No team has signed him yet. Barry Bonds says he's in shape and he wants to play, but so far his only offer is from Senator Larry Craig.

The Pentagon was reported Saturday to be alarmed about the mental health of U.S. troops being sent back to Iraq again and again. A new strategy is needed. The best thinking is, if we really want to destroy al-Qaeda we should let them have Iraq for five years.

Sotheby's will auction a nude photo of Carla Bruni-Sarkozy, who just married the president of France. She was a supermodel. Now that France has a supermodel for a first lady they have a weapon that could tip the balance and destabilize the region.

Supermodel Naomi Campbell was taken off a British Airways flight for attacking a cop on a plane Thursday. She's twice been charged with assaulting her maids. Two-thirds of the reports of cell phone-related brain damage were caused by her fastball.

Senator John McCain finally agreed Friday to allow the Secret Service to surround him on the trail. It was inevitable. Until John McCain can accept the fact that disagreeing with him does not constitute high treason, the people deserve protection.

Pope Benedict will visit the White House and meet with President Bush when the pontiff arrives next week. It's not their first meeting. The last time they were together the president asked the pope for a miracle and sure enough, he got re-elected.

Bill Clinton released his tax returns Friday, showing he's made a fortune since he left office. His generosity is legendary. When he was president he used to go to Yellowstone and pose next to Old Faithful just to help out the beginning comedians.

Hillary Clinton was quoted Thursday saying Barack Obama cannot win in November, implying that race would be the determining issue. It's possibly true. After eight years of President Bush, voters aren't sure they can take a chance on another white guy.

Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke defended bailing out Wall Street bankers in last month's credit crisis. It's a once in a lifetime situation. While a bank's stock might crash just once, the homeowner will crash forever in his parents' basement.

Homeland Security ordered the Mexico border wall built Friday. They waived all environmental laws blocking its construction. Now naturalists are trying to gather up breeding pairs of the Pan-American construction worker to prevent their extinction.

Absolut vodka caused international outrage Friday with billboard ads in Mexico City. The billboards show a map of Mexico that includes the western United States inside its borders. Those truth-in-advertising laws have gotten way too strict.

John McCain stood on the balcony where Martin Luther King was shot Thursday and apologized for not voting to make his birthday a holiday. Barack apologized for referring to his grandma as a typical white woman and Hillary apologized for telling tall tales from the Balkans. It's the sorriest presidential campaign anyone can remember.

President Bush met with Vladimir Putin Saturday at the Russian leader's heavily wooded retreat in the Black Sea resort of Sochi. Following a lavish state dinner, the two leaders joined a traditional folk dance backed by a chorus of Cossacks. The president thinks it will improve his popularity if he's seen on Dancing with the Czars.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-7-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Bill and Hillary Clinton released their tax returns Friday, revealing that they made nearly a hundred and ten million dollars since leaving the White House. No one begrudges them. Americans have always felt that great comedians are worth every penny.

Wilt Chamberlain may be immortalized with his photograph on a U.S. postage stamp, it was reported Friday. The basketball legend claimed in his autobiography that he slept with ten thousand women. They are putting his picture on the overnight stamp.

Brett Favre's agent asked NFL teams last week if they want to acquire him from Green Bay. We can guess what happened. After three weeks of farming he's decided he would rather sit in the middle of the Coliseum and wait for Los Angeles to get a team.

The Cincinnati Bengals cut star wide receiver Chris Henry following his fifth arrest. He punched a man in the face and broke his car window with a beer bottle. Under Ohio law, you have to have a permit to hold a Jewish wedding in a parking space.

The Mayflower Hotel said its gift shop has sold out of souvenirs since the Eliot Spitzer sex scandal broke. The former governor spent eighty thousand dollars on hookers. He's so grateful that the ethics rules did not allow him to put that money in Bear Stearns.

Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke defended the Bear Stearns bailout before Congress on Thursday. Wall Street banking firms narrowly avoided an industry-wide meltdown. Now President Bush cites his greatest success as his failure to privatize Social Security.

Homeland Security last week ordered the construction of the Mexico border wall to proceed as scheduled. It's a little late. With the recession, the layoffs, high gas prices and home foreclosures we only need the wall to keep everybody from leaving.

Barack Obama bowled a gutter ball in front of cameras while he was campaigning for president. He promised he would tear out the White House bowling alley and put in a basketball court. Now he's in trouble for violating Indiana's pandering statutes.

Hillary Clinton got laughs with Jay Leno Thursday saying she dodged sniper fire driving in from the airport. It'll happen soon enough. When the law in California requires hands-free cell phones in July, everybody's shooting hand will be free again.

Martin Luther King's biographer Clarence Jones said Friday that Americans have racial amnesia about black suffering. That's an old story. The most identifiable trait of Anglo-Saxons is that we always mistake a short memory for a clear conscience.

Bill Clinton said Wednesday he was a Georgetown student the night that Dr. King was killed, and as Washington D.C. erupted in flames he turned his car into an ambulance and ran supplies to black people hiding in church basements. Barack Obama gave it a five. Politicians all do Jesus impressions the way comedians used to do Ed Sullivan.

Zimbabwe unveiled a new fifty-million-dollar note Friday because inflation is so bad a loaf of bread costs sixteen million dollars. It's unprecedented. No one has seen a fifty-million-dollar note since Paul McCartney wrote thank you and good-bye.

Liberia's former ruler Charles Taylor had a bad day at his war crimes trial at the Hague Thursday. His staffers said he had his enemies murdered and cannibalized. One day the dictator got severe indigestion when he ate someone who disagreed with him.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-6-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Washington's Mayflower Hotel said Thursday its gift shop has sold out of hotel souvenirs since Eliot Spitzer met a hooker there. You know what this means. If Bill Clinton really wants to help Hillary he should shut up and have another sex scandal.

Jerry Seinfeld rolled his Fiat when his brakes failed on a highway Friday. He jerked the emergency break, spun his steering wheel, rolled over twice and walked away unharmed. Nothing annoys the Highway Patrol like the annual James Bond auditions.

Arizona Cardinals quarterback Matt Leinart apologized Thursday after photos of him surfaced on the Internet. They show him in his hot tub with four girls, drinking from a beer bong. Everyone's disappointed. At the scouting combine he did six girls and two bongs.

The Oklahoma Capitol hosted a rally in support of lawmaker Sally Kern, who said gays were more dangerous than terrorists. It's a question of family values. When the movie Oklahoma airs on television, the local station puts a blue dot over the dancing scenes.

NATO refused President Bush's demand that Ukraine and Georgia be admitted to the alliance. He's lucky they said no. If NATO expands too fast, everyone will put two and two together and remember that the Texas Rangers started using steroids when he owned them.

President Bush enjoyed a giant victory Thursday when NATO unanimously approved the U.S.-built missile shield. He's lobbied for the idea for six years. He's so used to everything going wrong that the moment it was approved, he distanced himself from it.

President Bush met Vladimir Putin Saturday at Sochi on the Black Sea. The Russian leader is believed to have amassed the world largest oil fortune. He still has his first nickel because he doesn't have the Bush family on retainer the way the Saudis do.

President Bush will ask Congress this week to pass a free trade agreement with Colombia. It was negotiated to help U.S. manufacturers. The president got a special no-tariff deal for Caterpillar, but the caterpillars must agree not to eat the coca bushes.

Barack Obama's Chicago church held a protest against all the media coverage of Rev. Jeremiah Wright. It's why Chicago will always be the Second City. Churches in New York and L.A. are hiring Jeremiah Wright impersonators just for the free media coverage.

Hillary Clinton flew to Los Angeles for a fundraiser Thursday and then appeared on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno in Burbank. It had to be a stressful trip. All the adoring cable news stories about Barack Obama begin three hours earlier out here.

Hillary Clinton arrived at Burbank Airport Thursday for one day of campaigning in Los Angeles. She ordered her driver to take as many freeways as possible and to switch lanes without signaling. Hillary thinks the only way to win back the black vote is to get shot on the anniversary of Martin Luther King's assassination.

London Mayor Ken Livingstone said Thursday the city will begin charging gas-guzzling vehicles a fifty-dollar-a-day entrance fee in October. People are balking. For a cover charge like that, they'd better have the Beatles playing at the Cavern Club.

Ted Turner told PBS Friday that in forty years, global warming will destroy all crops and man will be reduced to cannibalism. Then he called the insurgents in Iraq patriots. One day Ted Turner's bones will be on display at the Dinosaur Park in Utah, representing the age when television networks were not owned by the defense industry.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-4-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Formula One president Max Mosley was videotaped in an orgy with five hookers Monday in London. The girls were dressed like Nazi officers. Eliot Spitzer just offered his superdelegate vote to whichever candidate agrees to name him Ambassador to Britain.

Yale published a study Tuesday saying that overweight people are discriminated against. Only Mississippi bans discrimination against fat people. When they widened the school doors forty years ago most people just assumed they were doing it for race.

The New York Yankees finally held the delayed opening day at Yankee Stadium on Tuesday. The economy is very shaky in the nation's financial capital. The vendors were walking up and down the aisle selling peanuts, popcorn and foreclosed real estate.

Jose Canseco said he can prove Alex Rodriguez did steroids and dared anyone to call him a liar. He is right about everything so far. Jose Canseco is so credible that Al Gore is working night and day to get him to say global warming's a real threat.

GOP presidential candidate John McCain said Tuesday he is beginning to compile a list of possible running mates. He described the process as still being in the embryonic stage. So that's two guys this week who have announced that they are pregnant.

Hillary Clinton called for big changes in the nation's health care system this week. What's wrong with the current system? Even if you don't have insurance you can still see a doctor, as long as you're able to carry a golf bag for eighteen holes.

Hillary Clinton admitted she was not fired upon by snipers in Bosnia ten years ago as she'd claimed. The truth is harrowing enough. A Cessna once crashed into the White House just outside her bedroom window, so the president was never in any danger.

Bill Clinton complained to Democratic superdelegates meeting in San Francisco last week about the way cable news shows fawn over her opponent. Many people have grown tired of the media's adoration of Barack Obama. It's like Easter will never end.

Barack Obama said in an interview Wednesday he's of two minds over whether the U.S. should participate in the Beijing Summer Olympics. Nobody called him out for waffling. Cable news networks reported that Barack Obama is so smart he has two minds.

Barack Obama was asked in Pennsylvania Wednesday if he'll hire Al Gore for his administration. He said he'd consider him for the cabinet or something even higher. Of course, Al Gore would never consider giving up the private sector to be First Lady.

The Pig Book was released by Citizens Against Government Waste on Tuesday, exposing pork spending by Congress. Voters are used to it. When most Americans see pictures of the Taj Mahal they just assume that Taj Mahal was Alaska's first senator.

The Russian News Service reported Tuesday that Soviet Union dictator Josef Stalin's longtime oil minister Nikolai Baibakov died in Moscow Monday at the age of ninety-seven. Dick Cheney's going to go to the funeral. He wants to apply for the job.

The Port of Long Beach shut down on Tuesday when a cargo container had writing on it saying it contained anthrax. It was a hoax. It was the most annoying April Fool's joke since President Bush told Americans he doesn't believe in nation-building.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-3-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Tokyo scientists announced Monday they are able to reverse the effects of cirrhosis of the liver. That's great news. Now if they can just find a way to reverse the effects of oil prices, we will have gotten away with all our addictions scot-free.

Thomas Beatie will take an ultrasound on Oprah Winfrey's show today to prove he's pregnant. He's a transgender male who says he got pregnant by artificial insemination. It's becoming harder and harder to meet the requirements for the Episcopal priesthood.

The Ringling Brothers Barnum and Bailey Circus arrived in New York Tuesday for a week in Madison Square Garden. It's what's left of a once-great circus. The Wild West Show left Ringling Brothers seven years ago to form the Bush Administration.

The White House authorized the bypassing of environmental laws Tuesday so that the Mexican border fence can be built. Now nothing stands in the way of building it except one thing. The president of Mexico just ordered his people not to build it.

Senator Barack Obama continued his bus tour of Pennsylvania on Monday where he visited a chocolate factory and gave a speech criticizing John McCain, making no mention of Hillary Clinton. He looked positively jubilant. His pastor's gone missing.

GOP presidential candidate John McCain returned to Alexandria Tuesday where he spent his teenage years as a student at Episcopal High School. That's the name of the school today. When John McCain was a teenager, it was still the Church of England.

Cuba's government announced Tuesday that it will lease unused lands to private farmers who want to grow tobacco. It's a landmark decision. By the time private enterprise works its magic in Cuba, Philip Morris is going to be the fifty-first state.

U.S. oil company executives were hauled before a congressional committee Tuesday and told to spend more money on alternative fuels. These executives aren't scared by a little interrogation. The Spanish Inquisition was the oil industry's first customer.

The Screen Actors Guild met with Hollywood producers on Monday to try to reach a deal and avoid a strike when the contract ends in June. Nobody wants the actors on strike. Sniper Fire Theater wouldn't be the same without your host, Hillary Clinton.

Hillary Clinton compared herself to Rocky Balboa in her speech in Philadelphia Tuesday. It's not the first time that's been said. Reporters compared her to Rocky Balboa whenever Bill Clinton came downstairs to the press conference with a black eye.

Hillary Clinton challenged Barack Obama on Monday to a winner-take-all bowling contest. Then she said it was an April Fool's joke. Her goal is to be the first Democrat to make fun of working class diversions and still get the party's nomination.

President Bush arrived for NATO talks in Romania where his plan to add Georgia and Ukraine as new members ran into opposition. Russia is furious. Three of the NATO dinners ended with the delegates laying a wreath at the Tomb of the Food Tasters.

CBS News announced Tuesday it's making deep cuts in its news staff due to disappointing earnings last quarter. Many CBS local anchors and local reporters were axed in the bloodbath. Bear Stearns executives can turn to each other in the soup line and console themselves with the knowledge that they had the sense not to hire Katie Couric.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-2-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

President Bush was loudly booed when he threw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals opener. It was awful. When Laura Bush runs for president she can say she dodged sniper fire at the Washington Nationals' stadium and the tape will back her up.

The Olympic torch arrived in China Monday to begin the countdown to the Summer Games in Beijing. The athletes are upset. They can barely breathe the smog, and the police beatings are deplorable, but they're the ones who chose to train in Los Angeles.

The New York Archdiocese announced Saturday it will present Pope Benedict with a skateboard decorated by parish kids when he visits in May. It should be a very quick trip. If he starts taking confessions in New York, he'll never get out of there.

Yankee Stadium held its last opening day on Tuesday. Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig and Mickey Mantle spent their careers there before dying of rare incurable diseases. You would think the health department would have closed down the stadium decades ago.

The Washington Nationals opened their new stadium Sunday, which is located in the city's brothel district. That industry is doomed in this country. The Puritan ethic states that it's far better to have loved and lost than to have paid for it and not liked it.

The Tudors began its second season on Showtime Sunday about the legendary life of Henry VIII. Rulers in that era had a lot more fun. Bill Clinton had to go on a diet after overeating and get his wife a Senate seat to keep her from beheading him.

Condi Rice declared Thursday that because the U.S. Constitution allowed slavery, America has a birth defect. So that's why we do so badly in school. Americans have always felt that America is special and now we find out that America is special needs.

John McCain began his Biography Tour in Mississippi on Monday. His father was a four-star admiral and his grandfather was a four-star admiral whose father was a Confederate officer whose grandfather served under George Washington. The McCain family has attacked so many countries that they should have their own History Channel.

The NFL on Monday scheduled its opening game in September the same night as the GOP Convention in Minneapolis. It's a bad move. The NFL will soon find out it can't compete with the drama of Republicans convening in the Minneapolis Airport men's room.

Al Gore announced an ad campaign on Monday to raise awareness about greenhouse gas emissions. He's become fabulously wealthy as a spokesman for green energy. It's okay for Democrats to become filthy rich as long as they feel just terrible about it.

The White House issued the National Trade Estimate Report Friday which accuses sixty-two countries of erecting unfair barriers to U.S. exports. Afghanistan has heroin, Colombia has cocaine, Mexico has marijuana, and the United States has American Idol. You can't blame other countries for banning the import of mind-destroying drugs.

President Bush lectured Congress Monday before he left for the NATO summit in Eastern Europe this week. The president said lawmakers have to pass housing reform, a free-trade deal with Colombia and an eavesdropping bill. He's given them plenty of chores so they don't have any wild parties in the House while he and Laura are away.

Barack Obama's handwritten notes were discovered Monday on a voter group questionnaire that he previously said he'd never seen. A rival campaign gave it to the media to prove Obama is more liberal than he pretends. The campaign didn't want to be identified because criticizing Barack Obama is now a hate crime in thirty-seven states.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-1-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

The Los Angeles Dodgers celebrated the fiftieth anniversary of the team's move to Los Angeles on Saturday by playing the Boston Red Sox. They drew a record one hundred fourteen thousand fans to the Los Angeles Coliseum. It was free handgun night.

The Truckers Union protests high gas prices today by calling for a speed limit reduction. It's not needed in California. Traffic on the San Diego Freeway is so slow that illegal immigrants walking over the border make better time to Los Angeles.

Sotheby's will auction a letter Abe Lincoln wrote to children saying he doesn't have the legal power to free slaves. It could sell for as much as three million dollars. That's how rare it is for a president to admit that he has to follow the Constitution.

President Bush threw out the first pitch for the Washington Nationals Sunday and was loudly booed by the sold-out crowd. It presented a real problem for the military. They had to set up forty-one thousand new tents at Guantanamo and they only had nine innings to do it.

Hillary Clinton's campaign accused Barack Obama of tolerating anti-Americanism in church while the Obama team called Hillary a serial liar. It's vicious. Michael Vick can't believe he's in prison while the Democratic National Committee walks free.

Hillary Clinton bristled Sunday at suggestions she concede to Obama. She's not about to quit the race. She said people may think she's dead but she escaped from the Alamo, she escaped from Bonnie and Clyde's car, and she's going to escape from this.

Hillary Clinton admitted she wasn't fired upon in Bosnia twelve years ago after comedian Sinbad said it never happened. His eyewitness account had consequences. Sinbad was immediately banned from the Comedy Store for risking a Clinton presidency.

Barack Obama said Sunday Hillary Clinton ought to stay in the race. Polls show women think it's sexist to pressure her to quit. Ever since the cable news shows switched from opposition to the Iraq war to stopping Hillary, it's gotten very bloody.

Baghdad broke out in chaos again Friday as Shiite militias and al-Qaeda set off explosions. They terrified diplomats in the Green Zone with mortar fire. As luck would have it, pandemonium is one of President Bush's benchmarks for success in Iraq.

President Bush plans to meet with Vladimir Putin while he's in Europe. Russia's leader must give up the presidency due to term limits but he's hanging onto power by becoming the prime minister. Dick Cheney would have to die for that to happen here.

The Olympic torch got to Beijing Monday where the torch was divided into two in Tiananmen Square. One half will go up Mt. Everest and the other half will traverse the world. They hired a General Sherman impersonator to carry the torch through Tibet.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel announced Saturday she will boycott the Summer Olympic Games in Beijing. She is angry over China's military crackdown in Tibet. Many countries have denounced the crackdown but only Germany deducted points for style.

The TSA agreed Friday to stop asking women airline passengers to remove their nipple rings at the metal detector. It was a real problem at California airports. The screeners were afraid to pull the rings for fear they would inflate even further.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio