Argus Hamilton's column for 3-31-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Kentucky Fried Chicken was robbed by a gunman Monday who was caught by a middle-aged lady. She wrestled him down while dodging bullets and held him until cops arrived. Hillary Clinton called her up and offered her a hundred bucks for the trick.

Barack Obama released his income tax returns Tuesday, showing he donated less than one percent to his church. This explains his pastor Jeremiah Wright's sermons. When he couldn't get enough money out of his congregation he had to market to al-Qaeda.

John McCain ran his first campaign ad Friday, showing black-and-white photos of him in uniform. Everyone's bracing for a huge fight at the convention. More and more Republicans feel it's a mistake to nominate the last surviving veteran of World War One.

Hillary Clinton admitted she misspoke about dodging sniper fire in Bosnia twelve years ago as first lady. It simply didn't happen. Bill Clinton's been on the phone to everybody he knows in Bosnia trying to track down that sniper and get his money back.

Barack Obama on The View Friday hedged about his pastor Jeremiah Wright, saying he never heard any racially inflammatory sermons. It's obvious Barack heard some of the sermons. Calling your grandmother a typical white woman had to come from somewhere.

President Bush discussed Iraq with Australia's prime minister Friday. He told reporters that Iraq's blown-up oil pipeline is a necessary part of the development of a free society. Sam Adams blew up Episcopal churches and we named a beer after him.

Winona Ryder was caught shoplifting again last week in a Hollywood drugstore. She was caught outside with make-up items she didn't buy. She got fifteen endorsement offers the next day when people found out she looked that good with drugstore brands.

Rudy Giuliani hinted Friday that he may run for governor of New York after his failed presidential bid. You can't beat the perks. Sure you have to live upstate in Albany, but the governor's mansion has prostitutes coming out of the hot water tap.

Eliot Spitzer was linked by receipts Friday to a new call girl ring called the Wicked Models. His therapy isn't that strict. As part of his recovery, Eliot and his wife Silda have been spending their spare time playing Twister with the McGreeveys.

The U.S. Senate will vote today on whether to rename Ellis Island's library the Bob Hope Library. Before he died he donated all his radio and television monologues to the Smithsonian. Over the years only the voters have sent more jokes to Washington.

North Korea's dictator Kim Jong Il fired a series of short-range missiles that landed in the sea on Friday. He boasted he has intercontinental missiles that can reach Los Angeles. What he didn't say is that he's got to fire them from Santa Monica.

Cuban president Raul Castro announced Friday he would allow all Cubans to have cell phones now. He'll be sorry. No Cuban dictator is going to like it when his annual Revolution Day speech is interrupted twice a minute by the Florida fight song.

Al Gore was suggested Friday as a compromise candidate for the Democratic Party presidential nomination. As inventor of the Internet, he's responsible for online prostitution, online porno, online gambling and male enhancement pills delivered to your door. There's not an American alive whose life he hasn't touched in some tragic way.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-30-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Carla Sarkozy's completely nude photograph from her modeling days ran Wednesday in the tabloids during the French first lady's visit to Britain. This story may not be over. Genealogists just revealed that Hillary Clinton is French on her mother's side.

Las Vegas led the nation in falling home prices Wednesday with an average loss of twenty percent in dollar value in January alone. It's not that big a problem. When you lose that much money in Las Vegas, the hotel will normally put you up for free.

New York Governor Dave Paterson admitted Tuesday he did pot and cocaine in the late Seventies. Last week he admitted to numerous lovers. When John Belushi wound up being a U.S. Senator in Animal House, it inspired an entire generation to public service.

The New York Yankees began tours Monday of New Yankee Stadium, which will offer box seats next year at twenty-five hundred dollars a game. It's a special luxury section. Each seat is cushioned and has teak arms, and the cupholder is an Englishman named Brewster.

Jose Canseco's new book, Vindicated, claims Alex Rodriguez tried to bed his wife and that Jose introduced A-Rod to a steroids dealer. The Yankees slugger has no reason to worry. The last thing Congress is going to do is hold hearings on adultery in baseball.

Hillary Clinton was savaged by cable news hosts Wednesday for misremembering her Bosnia airport reception. She was flogged in the Situation Room, beaten on Hardball, and flayed on Countdown. The Clintons never thought they would find themselves watching Fox News for a breather.

Senator Barack Obama and his wife Michelle returned to the campaign trail Wednesday after a Caribbean weekend vacation. They flew to the Virgin Islands for a couple of days. The couple aren't independently wealthy, so they couldn't afford to drive anywhere.

Barack Obama denied ever hearing his Chicago pastor denounce America Wednesday when he spoke to a North Carolina crowd. They came to hear his standard campaign speech. There is never a dry eye in the house when Bambi's mother dies at the end.

President Bush was told by the Pentagon Wednesday that U.S. troops need to be rotated home because of stress on the troops and their families. Why bother? With Hillary ducking sniper fire and Obama standing by his bomb-throwing pastor, the troops may be safer in Iraq.

President Bush confronted Chinese leader Hu Jintao about the crackdown in Tibet in a telephone call Wednesday. The White House said later President Bush spoke very clearly. The Chinese probably think it was a crank call from a Saturday Night Live impersonator.

Clint Eastwood was fired from the California Parks Commission Wednesday by Governor Schwarzenegger. Clint thinks it's because he opposed a six-lane road through a state beach. Actually it's because Arnold must terminate one actor a year or he loses the trademark.

Los Angeles airport suffered delays Tuesday when a Qantas flight had four flat tires as it tried to take off. The LAPD surrounded the plane. They had been chasing it all the way from South Central and they were finally able to get a spike strip in front of it.

The British Antarctic Survey said Tuesday a chunk of ice six times the size of Manhattan just broke off the ice shelf. It seems to defy the laws of nature. Scientists are unable to explain how the ice shelf is breaking up, yet the Spitzers remain together.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-28-08

OKLAHOMA CITY--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

The New England Genealogical Society revealed that Barack Obama is a distant cousin of Brad Pitt, and Hillary is related to Angelina Jolie. It's another argument for a joint ticket. From now on if we want a country's oil we can preemptively adopt them.

Fred Thompson signed with the William Morris talent agency Monday to resume his acting career. Good luck to him. Osama bin Laden signed with William Morris the day after September 11th and except for a few non-union videos, no one has seen him since.

The Pentagon admitted Tuesday it sent nuclear missile fuses to Taiwan thinking they were helicopter batteries. How scary. If the U.S. government can't tell the difference between a nuclear fuse and a battery, thank goodness the Prius is built by a Japanese company.

The Boston Red Sox met the Oakland A's in baseball's season opener at the Tokyo Dome in Japan Tuesday. Whenever someone hit a home run, the stadium crew played an air raid siren. Their thinking was, if we don't hold a grudge, they won't hold a grudge.

Barack Obama trailed Hillary Clinton in polls on Tuesday as the race tightened up. Rush Limbaugh is begging Republicans to help Hillary get elected. He's just discovered that when you tell a Barack Obama joke to a banquet crowd they just stare at you.

Barack Obama celebrated Easter Sunday with his family in a hotel in the Virgin Islands. He said he wanted to spend more time with his wife and kids. Hillary Clinton was happy to hear it because she thought it meant he was retiring in disgrace.

Hillary Clinton said Barack's pastor Jeremiah Wright would never be her pastor due to his anti-American sermons. She's a Methodist. During the American Revolution John Wesley ordered every Methodist in America to fight for King George III, but since it's not on videotape she can still get away with saying she's a loyal American.

John McCain took his campaign to Southern California Tuesday. The weather was especially bright and sunny but no one asked if his melanoma caused him concern. Asking John McCain about melanoma is considered playing the race card by Republicans.

Nancy Reagan endorsed John McCain Tuesday while he was visiting in her Bel-Air neighborhood. It has narrow roads flanked by thick tropical shrubbery and palm trees. He had a Vietnam flashback between the time he rang her bell and the time she answered.

Chelsea Clinton was asked a question about the Monica Lewinsky scandal Tuesday by a college student in Indiana. She snapped it was none of his business. Chelsea still thinks the whole thing was a dispute between a glass blower and the dry cleaner.

President Bush granted fifteen presidential pardons to white-collar criminals and convicted drug offenders Tuesday at the White House. Not everyone appreciated the gesture. The Bear Stearns executives complained they haven't even been indicted yet.

Buddhists in New York tried to stage a march for Tibet Monday but were blocked by negligee-clad participants in International Pillow Fight Day. It had to happen. New York civil servants are way too busy committing adultery to process parade permits.

Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick was indicted over a mistress scandal Tuesday a week after New York's Governor Eliot Spitzer resigned over a hooker. It's inspiring. The Jewish former governor of New York and the black mayor of Detroit are forging a common cause that has not been seen since the civil rights marches of the Sixties.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-27-08

OKLAHOMA CITY--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

President Bush personally hosted the White House Easter Egg Roll on Monday. It didn't go well. He tried to tell the children the Easter Bunny is real, but after they heard him say the Iraq war was a success, he couldn't convince them it was Monday.

The Olympic torch lighting ceremony in Greece Monday was interrupted by human rights protesters, including a Tibetan woman who covered herself in fake blood. It didn't work. Fake blood is to the Chinese government like cheap wine is to the French.

Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick was charged with perjury Monday for lying about a mistress on the payroll. It's the fourth sex scandal in a week by a politician. Maybe the reason Bill Clinton's poll numbers are dropping is that we don't need him any more.

Poker TV Network CEO Mike Grasso listed his Las Vegas home for sale Monday. It comes with a live-in supermodel, his Mercedes, and his cellphone with the numbers of six strippers in it. After an impressive spring he's been called up to play in Los Angeles.

The New York Yankees offered to buy Yankee Stadium from the city Monday before it's imploded in November. They want to sell off everything from the old days at a surplus auction. The White House just banned Iran from buying Billy Martin's liver.

President Bush told State Department employees Monday that he's proud of their efforts to establish democracy in Iraq. It's a great system. Democracy allows you to vote for your favorite government servant and then sit on the jury that tries him.

Arnold Palmer was asked to replace George Lopez as host of the Bob Hope Desert Classic. The comedian went on a Mexican nationalist rant in his latest cable show. Not only did he lose the Bob Hope, he had to step down as Barack Obama's comedy advisor.

Barack Obama vacations in the Virgin Islands this week but local officials and campaign aides are sworn to secrecy about where he's staying. Mum's the word. If anyone finds out he's with his wife he could be finished in Democratic party politics.

Barack Obama's new pastor, Otis Moss, called the attention on Reverend Jeremiah Wright's sermons a public lynching. Wright has a defense for his anti-American rants, shown worldwide over the Internet. He was just trying to lead Muslims to Christ.

Hillary Clinton's campaign admitted Monday she misspoke when she said she was under enemy fire at a Bosnian airport twelve years ago. She just misremembered it. She was under enemy fire when her plane left Washington but not when it arrived in Bosnia.

Hillary Clinton gave a speech at the University of Pennsylvania to lay out her solution for the foreclosure crisis. Her concern is genuine. If Hillary mortgaged her homes to pay for her campaign, she may be in line for a bailout within thirty days.

Kentucky Fried Chicken began offering grilled chicken instead of fried chicken Monday. You knew it was coming. After the Yankees banned the singing of Dixie and obliterated New Orleans, many had the feeling that fried chicken was next on their list.

The Himalayan kingdom of Bhutan ended a century of absolute monarchy Monday by electing a prime minister. Bhutan is gradually evolving from an absolute monarchy to a government that answers to the people. We're like two ships passing in the night.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-26-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

The Hollywood Bowl hosted a record crowd for its annual Easter sunrise service Sunday. It offered hope during these troubling times. A recent poll shows sixty percent of Americans believe in miracles, the rest are able to move in with relatives.

The Vatican marked the resurrection of Jesus on Easter Sunday. He told people to help the poor, heal the sick and turn your cheek if attacked. If Jesus had been videotaped preaching this stuff only Joe Lieberman would have a chance of being elected president.

Senator Barack Obama decided not to spend Easter at his Chicago church where his infamous pastor Jeremiah Wright gave anti-American sermons. He decided to go somewhere less politically dangerous. He took his wife to a Klan meeting on Stone Mountain.

China held fast Sunday to its plans for the Olympic torch to be carried through Tibet. The torch runners must be terrified. If Chinese soldiers mistake them for the Statue of Liberty they may have Gatorade coming out of five holes in their bodies.

The PGA will begin testing golfers for performance-enhancing drugs in April to show the public the sport is honest. Players are happy to comply. John Daly has willed his entire body to science and he's preserving it in alcohol until they need it.

Congressman Barney Frank said Friday he will introduce a bill to decriminalize possession of small amounts of marijuana. The Bush administration is opposed to it. We are a nation at war and if this bill passes we will be a nation at Krispy Kreme.

The FDA banned Honduran cantaloupes Friday after bad melons made people sick. It caused a panic. When people in Los Angeles heard that the melons were contaminated, they got hold of their plastic surgeons and demanded that the saline ones be put back.

The Gallup Poll said Thursday the economy is the number-one issue with voters. Gas is four dollars a gallon, hotel rooms are two hundred a night and hookers four thousand an hour. A lot of guys are refusing to get married because they can't afford the adultery.

The New York Post reported Sunday the FBI was tipped off to Eliot Spitzer's call girl habit by well-known GOP operative Roger Stone. His GOP career hit the skids twelve years ago when he was exposed as a wife swapper. The Republicans think they can carry Ohio by claiming that wife swapping is morally superior to whore mongering.

The Space Shuttle Endeavour crew relaxed Sunday after two weeks of construction work on the International Space Station. The astronauts installed a giant robot with a Japanese storage compartment. What's a space station without a Godzilla playset?

New Orleans officials expressed alarm on Sunday about rising Mississippi River water heading south from Missouri. It's all part of nature's plan. Kansas science teachers won't like this, but in just two more floodings, Louisianans will have gills.

Dick Cheney continued his Middle East trip over the weekend with stops in the West Bank and in Israel for talks. He said he wants the longtime enemies to come together. Dick Cheney's betting his career that a war with Iran will unify the region.

John McCain stated Sunday his involvement in the Keating Five savings and loan scandal sixteen years ago was a formative experience for him like his experience as a POW in North Vietnam. The two aren't alike at all. In the Keating Five scandal he was robbing little old ladies, while in North Vietnam he was bombing little old ladies.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-25-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

The White House said Thursday China's crackdown on protests won't affect President Bush's plans to go to the Olympics. He hasn't been briefed yet. They asked him how he felt about Tibet, and he said his money was on Kansas, UCLA, North Carolina and Duke.

The Gallup Poll out Friday said the economy is the most important issue in the election. Three-fourths of the voters believe we're in a recession. America's national pastime used to be baseball, and now it is eating, staying warm and driving.

The New York Yankees announced Friday that box seats in the new Yankee Stadium next year will sell for twenty-five hundred dollars per game. It's well worth it. Half the fun is ordering your beer from the former Bear Stearns executive in the paper cap.

Condi Rice apologized to Senator Barack Obama Thursday over a State Department worker who snooped into the candidate's passport file. His passport file must be six inches thick. When your middle name's Hussein, flying generates a lot of paperwork.

San Francisco officials announced Friday the Olympic torch won't be run through Chinatown. They're protesting China's brutality against Tibet. China has been pretty mean but they never made anyone run up a sixty-degree hill carrying a ten pound torch.

The White House ignored calls Friday to endorse Tibet's protests against Chinese rule. If the U.S. government backs the separatism movement by Tibet it may face the same situation in California someday. Everyone agrees, the sooner the better.

China said it might ban live telecasts from Tiananmen Square during the Olympics to avoid the angry protests of nineteen years ago. Things are much different today. President Bush stood before a grade-school class Tuesday and correctly spelled potato.

John McCain snapped Friday when questioned about singing Bomb Iran onstage to the tune of the Beach Boys' hit, Barbara Ann. It's a sign of the times. More and more beginning comedians are getting away with singing song parodies now that tomatoes are four dollars apiece.

John McCain suspended an aide Friday who edited a video of Barack Obama standing by his pastor Jeremiah Wright, followed by the pastor's anti-American rant. It was completely unauthorized. You don't leak the playbook six months before the Super Bowl.

Barack Obama fell far behind Hillary Clinton in Pennsylvania and West Virginia polls. He simply refused to disown his anti-American pastor, Jeremiah Wright. After all, the man conducted his wedding, baptized his children, and blew up the U.S. Embassy in Karachi.

James Carville compared Bill Richardson to Judas Iscariot for endorsing Barack Obama instead of Hillary. Governor Richardson made the decision to endorse on his way home from his Caribbean vacation. He asked the pilot to tell him which way the wind was blowing.

Bill Clinton outraged liberals Friday when he said a race between Hillary and John McCain would showcase two loyal Americans. The former president is very big on loyalty. You cannot date Bill Clinton unless you sign the Official Secrets Act.

Retired Air Force General Merrill McPeak stood onstage with an anguished-looking Barack Obama Friday and said Bill Clinton reminded him of Joe McCarthy for leaving Obama off a list of loyal candidates. When Barack was in college at Occidental in Los Angeles he mastered the art of looking wounded. He picked up a lot of work as an extra on M*A*S*H.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-24-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Dick Cheney met with high-level officials in Saudi Arabia on Friday to discuss military plans in the Persian Gulf and oil production. He's very popular in Saudi Arabia. They would make him vice king if Eliot Spitzer didn't already have the title.

New York's former governor Eliot Spitzer began undergoing therapy for his sexual addiction on Friday. After his first session he was photographed walking with his dog into the woods. If he calls that tapering off he's seeing a pretty sick therapist.

Peter O'Toole did interviews in New York Friday to publicize Showtime's season opener of The Tudors. The legendary drinker and womanizer will play the pope. He's really tired of people saying all the characters he plays are an extension of himself.

Heather Mills McCartney announced after her divorce Friday she's been hired by Donald Trump to judge his Miss USA pageant in April. She's the perfect choice. Last year's winner had a cocaine problem and this year the pageant's theme is gold-digging.

Los Angeles prosecutors filed criminal charges against two ladies who took out life insurance polices on homeless men last year, then ran them over in their cars. You could not do that today. The insurance payout wouldn't cover the cost of the gasoline.

San Francisco filed criminal charges against a tanker captain who spilled tons of oil in the bay last month. It poisoned the fish. It's a shame it didn't happen in a lake or a river where there are enough pharmaceuticals in the water to cure anything.

Florida police are trying to deduce why a stingray jumped onto a fishing boat off the Florida Keys Thursday and killed a woman in the front seat. There's only one logical conclusion. The reviews are in on Bindi Irwin's new show and they're not good.

State Department workers were caught snooping into the presidential candidates' passport files on Thursday. It's no surprise. The popularity of Rottweilers and pit bulls has led every neighborhood Peeping Tom to seek safe work with the government.

New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson endorsed Barack Obama for president Friday before a crowd in Oregon. The governor said he decided to support Obama because he spoke to us as adults. Usually people who like adult entertainment go for the Clintons.

Barack Obama's pastor Jeremiah Wright's anti-American sermons were discovered on the church's promotional DVD. It gets even worse. Under the new Writers Guild agreement, Osama bin Laden is entitled to a payment for every DVD Jeremiah Wright sells.

Barack Obama stood by Jeremiah Wright as a family friend Tuesday. The minister introduced Barack to his wife twenty years ago when he first moved to Chicago. Barack Obama would be in less political trouble right now if he had married Jane Fonda.

Barack Obama said his grandmother was a typical white person whose distrust of black strangers on the street is inbred. It's not true. She was never afraid of black strangers on the street until she recorded a rap album without giving Suge Knight his cut.

White House spokesperson Dana Perino said President Bush and Dick Cheney don't care about poll numbers. She said they aren't trying to get people to like them. At last they can haul out that Mission Accomplished banner without fear of contradiction.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-23-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Easter, and how's everybody?

Charlie Rose hosted his PBS show with black eyes Thursday after he tripped and fell in New York while carrying a new computer. He sacrificed his face to save his MacBook. The hospital logged it under accidents that will never happen in Los Angeles.

Missouri withstood major flooding Thursday, prompting President Bush to declare the state a disaster area. He gave them great comfort. Missourians heard his speech justifying the war in Iraq and they know they aren't the only ones in over their heads.

The Baseball Players Union vowed Friday to investigate why no team has offered Barry Bonds a contract this year. The teams want to see how his federal trial comes out. The next home run Barry Bonds hits could be shot by prison guards for trying to escape.

Playgirl magazine offered Eliot Spitzer a million dollars to pose nude Thursday following the spectacular end of his political career. He's not about to show his ding-a-ling for one million dollars. That doesn't begin to cover what it cost him.

New York Governor Dave Paterson was confronted by angry husbands Thursday over his adulterous affairs. They can't attack a man who's legally blind. He can always say these women had the same shape and feel as his wife and it was an honest mistake.

New Jersey's ex-Governor Jim McGreevey said he had sex threesomes with his wife and driver. It's the third governor sex scandal. We knew there were pharmaceuticals in the drinking water but we had no idea how much of it is concentrated in the Hudson.

Michigan lawmakers went on vacation Thursday without rescheduling a Democratic primary. The adjournment drew cheers. They had a choice of going down in history by settling the presidential race or going on vacation and the vote wasn't even close.

Hillary Clinton was endorsed in Nevada Friday by Moonlight Bunny Ranch brothel owner Dennis Hof. He's had a busy week. Whenever Dick Cheney goes to the Middle East, every B-52 pilot in Nevada heads to the Moonlight Bunny Ranch for one last fling.

Texas Christian University will honor Barack Obama's pastor Jeremiah Wright on Saturday. He has given anti-American sermons. If he prevents Barack Obama from being the next president, he faces a stiff fine from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission.

Barack Obama admitted in his speech Tuesday he could no more disavow Reverend Jeremiah Wright than he could his own grandmother. He said the minister led him to Christ, conducted his wedding and baptized his girls. When a man is that close to your family, you are not going to let a little stay in Guantanamo come between you.

Barack Obama called his grandmother a typical white person Thursday, saying she dodged black people on the street. He has also said she used racial slurs. We've come a long way since Bill Clinton felt sorry for himself for being in the high school band.

Church of Christ members reminded the media Tuesday that Barack Obama's pastor represents the far more liberal United Church of Christ. The Church of Christ is evangelical and conservative. They define marriage as a union between two Republicans.

John McCain met Prime Minister Gordon Brown at Ten Downing Street in London on Thursday. The prime minister is from Scotland and John McCain's ancestors are from Scotland. They could no more disavow Mel Gibson than they could their own grandmothers.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-21-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

New York Governor David Paterson was blackmailed by a former mistress wielding audiotapes Tuesday, forcing him to admit many affairs. He replaced Eliot Spitzer the day before. The first requirement of a democratic society is continuity in government.

Barack Obama delivered an eloquent speech on race in America Tuesday. He tried to heal America's racial divide by talking about himself for thirty-five minutes. Hillary Clinton cannot believe she is running against a photo-negative of her husband.

The NCAA basketball tournament began Thursday with millions of fans drawing up their brackets and betting on them. Not everyone's on the same page. Dick Cheney went to the Middle East Monday thinking who gets eliminated is pretty much up to him.

President Bush marked the fifth anniversary of the Iraq war Wednesday. He said it was the right thing to do although it destroyed lives, cost billions and there's no end in sight. Paul McCartney showed better judgment going into his second marriage.

President Bush said it was worth the war to overthrow Saddam Hussein. The CIA installed Saddam thirty years ago but it took the U.S. Army to get him out of his palace. Today he's an inspiration to every American still squatting in his ranch house.

Heather Mills offered Tuesday to tell talk shows about her marriage to Paul McCartney and her future career plans. She could be a counselor. She was last seen on a Sacramento River bank encouraging the gold diggers to put their shoulders into it.

Las Vegas bus tours began showing homes and hangouts of the mobsters who built the strip fifty years ago. It was a risky venture. The hotels lost a lot of money at blackjack because in those days the Los Angeles schools taught people how to count.

Warren Buffett will play himself on All My Children in May. He visits Erica in prison and tells her how to get out of an insider trading conviction. They write these scripts so far ahead of time that people were making money in the stock market.

The Dow Jones average soared four hundred twenty points Tuesday as the Federal Reserve moved to cheapen the dollar further by lowering interest rates. It didn't help gas prices. The Arabs are not impressed with America's new paper-for-oil program.

Dick Cheney said in Oman Wednesday that Iran may have re-started its nuclear program, which the CIA said they halted five years ago. He has no proof other than a gambler's hunch. Dick Cheney believes that war is like love, it'll always find a way.

President Bush hit his lowest approval rating Wednesday in the Gallup Poll. It was no surprise. Seeing how well the War on Poverty, the War on Drugs and War on Terror turned out, the next time we declare war on a noun, the noun will be Incumbent.

John McCain was corrected on camera by Joe Lieberman in Israel Tuesday when he claimed Iran was training al-Qaeda fighters. Lieberman whispered they were insurgents, that al-Qaeda is not allowed in Iran. Whichever party wins the election, President Bush is starting to tell friends he will end up being the second-worst president in history.

Hillary Clinton told U.S. veterans Wednesday that a U.S. president mustn't commit troops without being prepared to go all the way. Many people don't know that she was a Republican before she went to college. Thirty-seven years ago the U.S. Marines turned down Hillary's application to enlist because we weren't that mad at the Viet Cong.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-20-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

New York's new Governor David Paterson stood with his wife at a press conference Tuesday and admitted having many adulterous affairs over the years. Reporters could draw only one conclusion. Perhaps those little blue pills really do cause vision loss.

Sir Paul McCartney finally reached an agreement Monday to pay Heather Mills McCartney fifty million dollars plus seventy-five thousand dollars a year for child support to settle their divorce. They also agreed to split the house. He gets the outside.

Barack Obama gave a speech about race on Tuesday in Philadelphia. He said black people are angry and white people are resentful and they're staring across a chasm of misunderstanding. Until we all learn Spanish that's the way it's going to be.

Barack Obama refused Tuesday to disown his pastor, Reverend Jeremiah Wright, who gives inflammatory anti-American sermons. He said the minister was the man who led him to Jesus Christ twenty years ago. Before that he was a white kid from Hawaii.

The National Archives said Monday Hillary Clinton's daily White House schedules are ready for viewing. We're all going to find out about her experiences as first lady. She's hoping the sympathy backlash will carry her all the way to the nomination.

Bill Clinton complained Monday it's a total myth that he has unfairly criticized Barack Obama. The press has turned on him. Six months ago he was our first black president and today he is blocking the entrance to Central High School in Little Rock.

The Wall Street Journal reported gold prices are so high that gold prospectors have returned to California rivers and creeks. They stand knee-deep and pan for gold. The Bear Stearns employees had no idea that alligator shoes were not waterproof.

Princess Diana's butler Paul Burrell was accused during the Princess Diana inquest of stealing the engagement ring off her finger after she died. No one can believe it. It only took Eliot Spitzer a week to move up to second-lowest man on this planet.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel on Tuesday made an unprecedented speech to the Israeli parliament. She pledged to stand by Israel's side. She even conducted an educational seminar entitled Learning from Our Mistakes: A Better Way to Roll Eastward.

The Federal Reserve cut interest rates again Tuesday to try to calm financial markets. Every time they do that the value of the dollar goes down. Next time they redesign the currency the hundred dollar bill will have Robert E. Lee's picture on it.

Southern Methodist University finally agreed to be the home of the George Bush presidential library. If you go there, plan to spend an entire week. After completing your first tour they force you back for a second and third and fourth tour.

President Bush spoke at the Pentagon Wednesday on the fifth anniversary of the war in Iraq and said he has no doubts about the wisdom of the invasion. Just play along with him. If misinformation got us into this war, maybe it will also get us out.

Dick Cheney held two days of secret talks with Iraqi leaders and emerged Tuesday with an agreement between the Sunnis and Shiites and Kurds to keep U.S. troops in Iraq past the Bush administration. Forget about how much it'll cost. After seven years we're now saying the word trillion as casually as we used to say the president's penis.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-19-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

President Bush told stunned U.S. commanders in Iraq in a teleconference Thursday that the Iraq war is a romantic venture. It does have romantic elements. We were fooled into getting involved, we spent way too much money, then the president lost the House.

JP Morgan bought Bear Stearns for two dollars per share Sunday, four days after the stock was selling at sixty-eight dollars a share. The Fed spent all weekend looking for a buyer. Everybody had their money tied up in their next tank of gasoline.

Tiger Woods sank a long putt Sunday to win the Arnold Palmer. He was so pumped up when the putt fell, he hurled his hat to the ground. No one would ever say he's on steroids but they're still digging to try to get the brim of the hat out of the ground.

Heather Mills was awarded forty-nine million dollars for her divorce from Paul McCartney, which came out to fourteen hundred an hour for their four-year marriage. The decision was easy for the judge. He simply called New York and got the going rate.

David Paterson was sworn in as New York's governor Monday by the state's Chief Justice. He got off to a great start. The governor got a standing ovation halfway through the oath of office when he said the word faithfully and his nose didn't grow.

John McCain's campaign website put up an NCAA tournament bracket contest for prizes Monday. He's opened up a gambling site during Holy Week. He couldn't be taking the evangelical vote any more for granted if he were offering online evolution classes.

Barack Obama distanced himself from his pastor Jeremiah Wright Tuesday. The clergyman has given bitterly anti-American sermons, recorded on videotape. Jeremiah Wright is the only Church of Christ minister whose portrait is hanging in every cave in Afghanistan.

Bill Clinton told ABC News on Monday his wife's campaign gets a bum rap in the media. All the cable news networks are against her. Even ESPN shows Oklahoma cheerleaders in all their promos so the O on the sweater will be a subliminal ad for Obama.

Elton John will perform a concert for Hillary Clinton in New York in May. It's right after the Pennsylvania primary. If she wins it's a fundraiser, and if she loses, the concert will be preceded by a tearful eulogy delivered by the Earl of Spencer.

Irish Prime Minister Bertie Ahern visited the White House on St. Patrick's Day Monday. He said he can finally declare peace has taken hold in Northern Ireland. He came to the White House to remind President Bush that there is still no oil there.

Dick Cheney visited Baghdad Monday to mark the fifth anniversary of the U.S. and British invasion of Iraq. The locals are very superstitious. For instance, today it is considered unlucky in Iraq to drive any car with a wick sticking out of the sunroof.

John McCain traveled to the Middle East Sunday, then he flew to London for high-level talks. He's considered a GOP moderate. He wants to stay in Iraq for a hundred years but he's confident there will be a reduction in violence on the Business Channel.

San Francisco filed charges Monday against the oil tanker pilot who spilled eighty thousand gallons in the bay last month. It was an environmental catastrophe. So many prospectors swam into the bay to pan for oil that the sewage caused a major fish kill.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-18-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Guinness Ale delivered a million signatures to Congress Monday petitioning that St. Patrick's Day be made a national holiday. The day after St. Patrick's Day should be the national holiday. That's the day everybody wakes up nauseous and can't go to work.

Hustler magazine publisher Larry Flynt offered one million dollars Saturday to Eliot Spitzer's call girl for a nude photo spread. He promised it would be done tastefully. He always uses special lighting to cast moody shadows on the uterine wall.

Danish cartoonist Kurt Westergaard said Saturday he will sell his inflammatory Prophet Muhammed cartoon. It showed a bomb fuse coming out of a turban. It almost cost Barack Obama his victory in Mississippi until everybody realized it was Muhammed.

John Daly played golf Sunday with the three amateur golfers he stood up in the Arnold Palmer pro-am when he was disqualified Wednesday for being a no-show. It could get worse. John Daly has accumulated so many thirty-day sobriety chips that he's taken up poker.

Atlanta was struck Saturday by a tornado with winds over one hundred and twenty-five miles per hour. Windows were blown out at the CNN world headquarters building. This was Pat Robertson's first bull's-eye since the San Francisco earthquake.

Dick Cheney flew to the Middle East Sunday for farewell meetings with leaders of oil producing nations. He tripled the price of oil in seven years. To Americans he may be number two, but in Saudi Arabia and the United Arab Emirates he's Brett Favre.

President Bush told the Economic Club Friday that despite the home mortgage crisis, high gas prices, lower consumer spending and crashing markets he remains an optimistic guy. Bear with him. He is just doing comedy until karate can pay the bills.

Alan Greenspan said Sunday the nation's current financial mess is the worst it has been since World War II. It was easier back then. President Roosevelt didn't have to convince eighty percent of the country every day that we were a nation at war.

President Bush vetoed a bill to ban torturing detainees last week. The momentum has swung over to his side. Now that it's been discovered there are mood-enhancing drugs in American drinking water, prisoners are demanding the right to be waterboarded.

Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama had no events on their calendars Sunday. It's the new campaign schedule. The candidates stay up late to watch Saturday Night Live, then spend Sunday huddled with their advisors to figure out what to do with the clips.

Eliot Spitzer formally resigned as governor of New York Monday because of his sex scandal. There's a reason he hired a New York prostitute to meet him in Washington D.C. for Valentine's Day. Congress had already booked all the Washington D.C. prostitutes.

New York's Lieutenant Governor David Paterson of Harlem was sworn in as the new governor of New York in the state capitol in Albany on Monday. Governor Paterson just happens to be legally blind. It's a condition he had even before St. Patrick's Day.

Barack Obama's pastor Jeremiah Wright was videotaped preaching that the U.S. invented AIDS and deserved the 9/11 attacks, and he urged his congregation to sing God Damn America. The more his sermons become public, the more trouble he gets in. When he called for the return of Czechoslovakia and parts of France and Poland, it smacked of plagiarism.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-17-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

New York holds its St. Patrick's Day Parade today with a million Irish marching along Fifth Avenue. It could be the merriest celebration in parade history. This year even people who don't drink get a prescription drug high from the drinking water.

The Los Angeles Dodgers and San Diego Padres played the first ballgame in China Sunday. They were sent for the same reason Southern California soldiers were chosen to lead the invasion of Iraq when Saddam was believed to have poison gas. We can breathe anything.

President Bush addressed the Economic Club of New York on Friday. He stayed on message. He conceded people are being thrown out of their homes, markets are in turmoil and oil is at an all-time high, but he insisted history will vindicate him.

Palm Sunday was marked with Passion Plays showing the trial and crucifixion of Jesus. They include scenes of Roman soldiers throwing dice at the foot of the cross. It proves that gambling in the workplace was a problem long before there was an NCAA tournament.

Barack Obama's Chicago pastor Reverend Jeremiah Wright was shown on tape Friday preaching that Hillary Clinton was never called the N-word. Talk about ignorant. The pastor has no idea how Arkansas people regarded Yankees as late as the Seventies.

Cal Berkeley scientists used magnetic resonance imaging Friday to read a man's mind. The big breakthrough came when they were finally able to locate a man's brain. In his last act as New York governor, Eliot Spitzer donated his body to science.

The New York Times said Friday Eliot Spitzer was still under FBI investigation. They want to see if he procured beautiful call girls with campaign donations. It took ten years, but it looks like Baby Boomers are finally getting the hang of the Internet.

Eliot Spitzer's call girl Ashley Dupre permitted the New York Post to publish her modeling photos on Friday. Her legal status is murky. For charging clients by the hour and screwing them she could face charges of practicing law without a license.

New York will swear in new governor David Paterson in Albany today. He has no shortage of help. There was a huge rush of job applicants last week after they read in the papers that serving under the governor paid four thousand dollars an hour.

Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton agreed on Friday to debate again in mid-April before the Pennsylvania Democratic primary. Their one-on-one debates have gotten huge ratings. If John McCain gets elected they're going to take Rachael Ray's time slot.

Hillary Clinton entertained congressional superdelegates at her Washington D.C. home Wednesday, where she served them cocktails and lobbied for their convention votes. However, the people who came uncommitted left uncommitted. It's a lot like her marriage.

The House went into secret session Thursday to hear evidence on the president's secret wiretapping program. There was a lot of pressure. President Bush wants to keep authorizing wiretaps until every call girl in America has a recording contract and a music video.

The Houston Rockets won their twentieth consecutive game on Wednesday, tying an NBA record. The average salary of each player on the team is ten million dollars. Houston's Oil and Gas Journal refers to the team as the rapidly vanishing middle class.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-16-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

President Bush announced Thursday he will attend a NATO summit in Romania next month. He just put missiles in Poland and fired a commander for suggesting a peace proposal. Los Angeles just outbid London and Paris as the host city for the Apocalypse.

Billy Crystal signed a one-day contract with the New York Yankees for a spring training game with Pittsburgh Thursday. The comic is a great mimic. In the first inning he performed his new Eliot Spitzer impersonation by scoring and then resigning.

New York's Mercantile Exchange saw oil reach a new high of a hundred ten dollars a barrel Thursday. It caused gasoline to hit four dollars a gallon on each coast. If gas gets any more expensive we're going to have to book our fill-ups through a pimp.

The New York Times identified Eliot Spitzer's call girl on Wednesday as Ashley Dupre. She's twenty-two. No one knows what she did for him that was worth forty-three hundred bucks, but Viagra just added resignation to its list of possible side effects.

Eliot Spitzer bought Ashley Dupre a train ticket to Washington for their paid sex romp. Talk about American ingenuity. Terrorists never dreamed you could put a weapon of mass destruction on a train and drive it right into the governor's mansion.

Ashley Dupre's recorded pop song was downloaded four million times after she met Eliot Spitzer at the Mayflower. She's on her way to a big recording career. Paris Hilton can't believe she owns a hundred thousand hotel rooms and never thought of this.

John Daly was ejected from the Arnold Palmer tournament for missing a tee time Wednesday. He can bide his time. The PGA begins testing golfers for performance-enhancing drugs this July, and for the first time the self-destructive will have the moral high ground.

President Bush vetoed a bill Monday to make it illegal for CIA agents to waterboard terrorist suspects. Don't think the congressmen have gone soft. Under the bill anyone who engages in waterboarding could get twenty years in the electric chair.

President Bush said Tuesday he invaded Iraq to liberate the Iraqis from slavery. The original pretext for war is getting hazy. President Bush can't remember if weapons of mass destruction are something we made up or something we paid somebody to make up.

Geraldine Ferraro refused to apologize for saying Barack Obama is lucky to be a black man instead of a woman. Who knew there are more sexists than racists in America? It turns out Betty Friedan should have the holiday on her birthday instead of Martin Luther King.

Hillary Clinton apologized to blacks Wednesday for her husband comparing Barack Obama to Jesse Jackson. She's disciplined. Hillary always refers to her husband in public as either the president, as Bill, or by his Secret Service code name, Client Number One.

Barack Obama's Chicago minister and spiritual counselor Jeremiah Wright went wild onstage Sunday and pantomimed a sex act between Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky. It was pretty low. Physical comedy is just a notch above song parodies.

Parliament passed a law Thursday that will impose new sin taxes on the British population. It's now really expensive to buy alcohol and smoke tobacco and drive gas-guzzling cars. Is it any wonder why Prince Harry wants to go back to Afghanistan?


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-14-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Tiger Woods is favored to win his fifth straight tournament at Arnold Palmer's Bay Hill Invitational this week. What a sport. Golf is the only game which allows a politician to spend all day with three hookers without having to resign in disgrace.

John Daly was fired Tuesday by swing coach Butch Harmon, who said Daly loves drinking more than golf. Still, he's one of the nicest guys in the game. His fans appreciate the fact that he visits Jack Daniel's grave every April and leaves flowers.

Dr. Jack Kevorkian declared Wednesday he may run for Congress from Detroit this fall. The news that Dr. Death wanted to come to Washington had to alarm President Bush. He knew his poll numbers were pretty bad, but he didn't know they were that bad.

President Bush told religious broadcasters Tuesday he sent U.S. troops to Iraq to liberate the people from slavery. So now it's slavery. There were no ties to al-Qaeda and there were no WMDs so now we invaded Iraq to integrate the schools in Mississippi.

The White House admitted on Wednesday that Admiral William Fallon was forced to resign as head of Middle East military operations on Monday. He simply wasn't on the same page as President Bush at all. His Secret Service code name is Flower Child.

The Weather Channel reported snow and ice storms blowing into the Eastern Seaboard from the Midwest Wednesday. The cold was bone chilling. It was so cold in New York that prostitutes were charging Eliot Spitzer an extra thousand dollars just to cuddle.

New York Governor Eliot Spitzer resigned Wednesday after it was learned he had spent eighty thousand dollars on hookers. His career is far from over. He woke up the next day to find himself leading all the polls to be the next president of France.

Wall Street cheered the fall of its longtime nemesis Eliot Spitzer Tuesday. He was caught by the new banking rules in the Patriot Act. Al-Qaeda always wanted to nail a crusader but they never thought they would get any help from the White House.

Eliot Spitzer made large cash transfers to a hooker in February, which triggered his wiretap. The feds have their hands full now. Arnold Schwarzenegger triggers the same wiretap every time he withdraws four thousand dollars to fill up his Hummer.

Eliot Spitzer admitted Tuesday he spent four thousand dollars to have sex with a call girl for two hours. People in Los Angeles all had the same reaction. Whether it is transportation or sex or Disneyland, in this day and age, nobody rides for free.

Tehran police chief Reza Zarei resigned Tuesday after being found naked with six naked hookers in a local brothel. His job was to enforce the Islamic dress code on women. If the police had just showed up five minutes later he would have had them dressed correctly.

Geraldine Ferraro caused a storm Monday by claiming Barack Obama got to where he is today because he's black. Anyone who criticizes Barack is a racist and anyone who criticizes Hillary is a sexist. In order to get these poisonous politics of race and gender out of the Democratic Party they are going to have to nominate a white guy.

Barack Obama's Chicago minister Jeremiah Wright on Sunday compared Barack Obama's being raised in white America to Jesus Christ being raised in the Roman Empire. It's an absurd comparison. Jesus had a health care plan that cured everybody for free.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-13-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Hillary Clinton declined comment Tuesday on New York Governor Eliot Spitzer's prostitute scandal. He was set to support her at the Democratic Party convention. Hillary couldn't have picked a more embarrassing super-delegate if she had married him.

New York Governor Eliot Spitzer was pressured to resign Monday after admitting he hired a hooker in a Washington D.C. hotel. The governor's lawyer said the incident was overblown. The guy's not paying five thousand dollars an hour for a gentle breeze.

Governor Eliot Spitzer met his prostitute last month at the Mayflower Hotel in Washington D.C. For a hundred years it's been the preferred hotel of congressmen and senators and lobbyists. In every room the Gideon Bibles are chained to the nightstand.

New York's former mayor Ed Koch said Monday he thought Governor Spitzer appeared to be working under a lot of strain lately. The governor's friends were urging him to seek professional help. They should have been more specific about which profession.

New York State Assembly Republicans vowed Tuesday to impeach Governor Eliot Spitzer if he didn't resign his office, as he negotiated with prosecutors for a way out of this. The governor is desperate to avoid going to prison. He is not that kinky.

New York's Lieutenant Governor David Paterson was poised to become governor on Tuesday with Eliot Spitzer's resignation believed imminent. He would be New York's first legally blind governor. You need to be both to get a parking spot in Manhattan.

The White House announced Tuesday Dick Cheney will fly to the Middle East next week for talks with Saudi Arabia to try to bring down oil prices. He's also going to the region to lobby for peace. Apparently it is never too late for a career change.

The London Mail said a new camera has been invented that can see through clothes and reveal guns and cocaine and body parts. There's no market for it in Hollywood. Nobody wears underwear anyway and you don't need a camera to know who has got cocaine.

Oklahoma City passed a sales tax to help lure the Supersonics there. The money will be used to remodel the arena to NBA size. The tough part will be persuading Toby Keith and Garth Brooks and Billy Graham to work a smaller room when they come to town.

Geraldine Ferraro claimed Tuesday Barack Obama wouldn't be where he is in the presidential race today if he were white. He would be even further ahead. White guys born in the early Sixties had middle names like Maverick, Cartwright and Gunsmoke and he would have carried Texas by twenty points.

The Pentagon released a report which examined six hundred thousand papers from Saddam's regime and found no link to al-Qaeda. He also had no WMDs. With any luck, the George W. Bush Presidential Library will house some baseball memorabilia worth seeing.

Admiral William Fallon stepped down Tuesday as head of Centcom, which oversees military operations in the Middle East. Everyone agreed he was a restrained and rational and independent military commander of unquestioned integrity. So he had to go.

NBC News reported Tuesday that black talk radio listeners are vowing to stay home on Election Day if Barack loses the nomination to Hillary at the convention. It's down to this. Only one of them will have a chance to be president, and it's the one who becomes John McCain's vice president and waits until the affair with the lobbyist forces his resignation.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-12-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

The Vatican published a new list of behavior considered sinful by the Catholic Church Monday. The list includes pollution and genetic experiments and taking mind-damaging drugs. It looks like everyone drinking tap water in America is going to hell.

Los Angeles drinking water was discovered to contain pharmaceutical drugs this week. There are female sex hormones in the tap water. Jack Nicholson became the last surviving leading man of his generation because for forty he drank nothing but Scotch.

Barack Obama ridiculed Hillary Clinton for considering him as her running mate Monday, and Hillary responded by removing Obama from her running mate list. Las Vegas oddsmakers were not impressed. White males are 43-0 in this contest and a win by John McCain would put them only three wins away from tying Oklahoma's all-time record.

President Bush said Monday he will send Dick Cheney to Saudi Arabia to discuss the price of oil. Why send him? With oil at one hundred eight dollars a barrel, we should sent Eliot Spitzer because he's the leading expert on this kind of transaction.

New York Governor Eliot Spitzer admitted Monday he hired five-thousand-dollar-an-hour prostitutes working in a Manhattan call girl ring. He did it to feed his ego. There simply wasn't enough room in the presidential race for any more New Yorkers.

Governor Eliot Spitzer was caught on a federal wiretap procuring a high-priced call girl. One thing is for sure now. Democrats in Congress will reauthorize Jim Crow laws before they allow the president to conduct any more warrantless wiretapping.

Governor Spitzer was caught on a federal wiretap arranging to meet a call girl in a famous Washington D.C. hotel. It's not unusual. The number of women who came over on the Mayflower will never equal the number of women who came across at the Mayflower.

NBC News in New York reported Monday that Eliot Spitzer introduced himself to the prostitutes using the name George Fox. No Democrat can be linked to Fox and survive. If he had called himself George CNN the party would have rallied to his side.

New York politicians formed a chorus calling for Governor Spitzer to resign on Monday in the wake of his call girl scandal. The lieutenant governor who would replace him is legally blind. That's the first good news Wall Street has had all year.

President Bush got Poland to agree Monday to permit a U.S. missile system on Polish soil. The Russians are absolutely livid. When President Bush asserted that global warming won't destroy the planet, no one knew he had plans of beating it to the punch.

Florida officials started making plans Monday to hold a mail-in primary as the best way to help settle the Democratic nomination. Hillary has just one request. She wants all the mail-in votes just arriving for Al Gore to count as votes for her.

GOP Congressman Steve King said al-Qaeda would declare victory if Barack Obama wins. He said all the terrorists in the Middle East will be out in the streets partying. It will give everyone in Israel five minutes to go out and do their errands.

John McCain underwent his check-up in Phoenix Monday, adding to sixteen hundred pages of federal medical records on him. He's not about to release his full medical records. If anyone finds out he died five years ago it could end his political career.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-11-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

America's drinking water was found to contain pharmaceuticals in investigations revealed Sunday. Researchers found antibiotics, mood stabilizers and sex hormones in the tap water. At last Roger Clemens has a defense that can get him into the Hall of Fame.

Rush Limbaugh was credited Thursday with helping Hillary Clinton win the Texas primary. He doesn't want to lose sixteen years of tested Hillary jokes. He's well aware if he tells one joke on Barack Obama he will follow Don Imus to satellite radio.

Daylight Savings Time began on the earliest date in history Sunday, mandated by an act of Congress. It was an effort by the lawmakers to police themselves. Every extra hour of moonlight increases their chance of losing their seats to a sex scandal.

The London Sun reported Sunday that a new security camera can see right through clothes and detect weapons and drugs. What a lifesaver. When a guy hits on a woman at a bar he can see if she is wearing a padded bra and she can see if he really has cocaine.

The Weather Channel reported a huge snowstorm burying the Midwest ten days before spring. It's more proof that global warming is a fairy tale. Even when President Bush is correct about something it still results in misery for millions of Americans.

U.S. troops in Iraq were reported Sunday to be suffering from unfit drinking water and contaminated bath water. It's caused widespread vomiting and diarrhea. When Mexico offered to help out in the war on terror, we should have known it would end like this.

President Bush performed for the first time ever at a Gridiron Dinner Saturday before six hundred journalists in Washington. He sang a song about going home to Texas. It made everyone wonder if letting the terrorists win would have been any worse.

President Bush vetoed a bill Sunday that would have stopped the CIA from waterboarding terror suspects. It's a cruel world. The government is holding people under water until they have coughed up everything and that's just the people with adjustable rate mortgages.

China foiled a plot Sunday to attack the Summer Olympics, which was hatched by terrorists operating in eastern Pakistan. The U.S. and Britain battle terrorists who are holed up in western Pakistan. When you think about it, Benazir Bhutto lived to a ripe old age.

London newspapers set sales records covering Prince Harry's combat experiences on his return home. It made the colonies look bad. The Bushes and Clintons are nice dynasties but when's the last time one of them was shown machine-gunning the Taliban?

John McCain said Sunday he is going to have to work hard to get press coverage with everyone watching the Democrats. If he doesn't stay in the news he won't win the election. For the future of freedom, he may be forced to date that lobbyist again.

John Kerry complained Sunday that the Clintons say simultaneously Barack Obama isn't ready to be president and he should be a heartbeat away. He's endorsed Obama. John Kerry wants everybody to know he voted for the Clintons before he voted against them.

Barack Obama said Sunday he's ahead in the popular vote and he thinks he will win the presidential nomination. So, he hasn't heard. Not only has Al Gore not made an endorsement, he hasn't given Barack the bad news about winning the popular vote.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-10-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

PGA golfer Trip Isenhour was charged with killing an endangered bird Wednesday in Florida. He intentionally hit a red-shouldered hawk with a wedge shot while taping a golf instruction video. He's showing how to clear land for oil drilling the Republican way.

Hollywood adult movie star Mary Carey said she's a new person after graduating from Celebrity Rehab Thursday. The rehab program is not all that strict. According to the show's rules, drinking in Mexico doesn't affect your American sobriety.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said Friday league agents will make unannounced raids on NFL coaches boxes, team offices and stadium video booths. He's looking for any evidence of cheating. You'd think guys who make that much money would get a room.

The California Court of Appeals ruled Friday that parents can't home-school their kids unless they are licensed teachers. We're raising a generation of dictators. That's what happens when teenage boys are allowed to elect themselves King of the Prom.

The White House honored the last living U.S. Army veteran of the First World War, Frank Buckles, Thursday on the man's one hundred and seventh birthday. Everybody there asked him the same question. What's it like for the Cubs to win a World Series?

Puerto Rico's Democratic Party will hold its presidential primary on the first of June. The island gets all the benefits of U.S. protection but they don't have to pay U.S. income taxes. Wesley Snipes's birthday is an official holiday in Puerto Rico.

Hillary Clinton spokesman Howard Wolfson said Thursday Barack Obama was acting like Ken Starr. He's the special prosecutor who got her husband impeached for lying about sex. To this day Bill Clinton kicks himself for not lying us into a war instead.

Barack Obama's adviser Samantha Power resigned Friday after she called Hillary a monster. It broke a truce. The Clintons don't bring up Barack's drug use and the Obamas don't mention Hillary's genealogical connection to the von Frankenstein family.

President Bush got news Thursday of one million homes in foreclosure and sixty thousand jobs lost. It's a family trait. The Bushes always ride into office on a white horse and by the time they leave office, nothing's left but the back of the horse.

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke downplayed the threat of a recession and rising inflation rates Wednesday. He told congressmen that the American economy is back on its feet. That's just a nice way of saying that people are walking to save gas.

John McCain refused to say Friday how close he came to being John Kerry's running mate. However, they did have a long private conversation about whether it was better to withdraw or surge. All these guys with prostate problems have one thing on their minds.

The Associated Press reported Friday that more and more U.S. soldiers are coming home from the Middle East with hearing problems due to all the explosions. The president was outraged when he heard about it. He didn't authorize anyone to come home.

Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez threatened to invade Colombia Friday. This is cause for alarm. If war breaks out between Venezuela and Colombia, a military draft could leave Major League Baseball without one decent shortstop or second baseman.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-9-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Green Bay Packers legend Brett Favre broke down crying at his press conference Thursday while announcing his retirement. He was overcome with emotion. Football players might have had to give up Human Growth Hormone but there's no ban on estrogen.

Beverly Hills private eye Tony Pellicano went on trial Wednesday for illegally wiretapping stars. He used telecom workers and cops to eavesdrop on targets of his investigations. With any luck President Bush will force Congress to give him immunity.

Journal Science said Wednesday the Grand Canyon is seventeen million years old, not six million. It's hard to say. The canyon's fake ID from California says it's six million years old but its driver's license from Mexico says it's seventeen million.

The Weather Channel reported a freak blizzard that hit Dallas Thursday. There was snow all over the landscape. It was a visual reminder that Colombia's been a strong U.S. trading partner since the Disco Era and deserves our support in its hour of danger.

President Bush denounced Venezuela Thursday for threatening Colombia but that's all he can do. The U.S. has no available troops to send to the region and Venezuela has devised a sophisticated defense against our drone aircraft. They are called trees.

Moscow topped New York with the most number of billionaires in the Forbes magazine list. Moscow beat New York seventy-four billionaires to seventy-one billionaires. Everyone's best guess is that Isiah Thomas was coaching the the New York billionaires.

Barack Obama demanded Hillary release her tax returns Thursday. It's the right time for him to drop his savior act and act like a politician. The only way to get Pennsylvanians to shout out the name of Jesus Christ is to bring up the Eagles' season.

Hillary Clinton's campaign reacted Thursday to Barack Obama's questions about her tax returns by calling him another Kenneth Starr. We would be spared the sordid details this time. Monica Lewinsky just graduated from the London School of Economics and there's no way she's going to fall for that offer-of-immunity trick a second time.

U.S. Congressman Anthony Weiner said Wednesday that Roger Clemens should get a pass for lying to Congress in House testimony because it's not that serious an offense. The ballplayer was merely showing good manners. The general feeling is, when in Rome.

President Bush spoke at the Homeland Security Department on Thursday to mark its fifth anniversary. They've singlehandedly destroyed international tourism. It's now harder to get into the United States than it used to be to get out of the Soviet Union.

Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton took their presidential campaigns to Wyoming over the weekend. It was a nice break for them. Wyoming is a friendly state, and if you're lucky and you don't get caught in the middle of a gunfight, it's almost paradise.

Bill Clinton gave photographers a thumbs up as he went for a walk with Hillary in Rock Creek Park in Washington D.C. Thursday. He's being kept under wraps. Later he issued a statement apologizing for any pain that may have been caused by his thumb.

The Agriculture Department Thursday reconsidered plans to put video cameras in cattle slaughterhouses. It was a nice try. Animal rights activists were alerted to the plan after they heard that the CBS fall schedule included a show called Survivor Omaha.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-7-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

The Iditarod got underway in Alaska Saturday amid a drug scandal. Sled drivers blow marijuana in the dogs' faces to calm them down. Maybe now they'll stop blaming the vanishing wildlife there on the oil companies and start blaming it on the munchies.

The Grand Canyon was intentionally flooded Wednesday when Colorado River locks were thrown open by civil engineers. It was the fastest way to clear away all the real estate agents and stock brokers piling up down there. There's only so many mules.

Bret Favre retired Tuesday after seventeen Hall-of-Fame seasons with the Green Bay Packers. Blame it on the Democrats. Wisconsin has such an efficient cradle-to-grave welfare system that everybody in the state is able to retire at thirty-eight.

Mississippi holds a primary Tuesday with thirty-three Democratic delegates at stake. The Census says Mississippi's population is sixty percent white and forty percent black. That means Hillary has four days to get the Voting Rights Act repealed.

President Bush warned Tuesday the U.S. will back Colombia if it goes to war with Ecuador and Venezuela. He chose the cocaine country over two oil countries. The president is serious about ending our addiction to oil, and one out of two isn't bad.

Beverly Hills private eye Tony Pellicano went on trial Wednesday for illegally wiretapping Hollywood movie stars in lawsuits. The FBI isn't involved. If Sylvester Stallone is constructing a bomb, that's strictly between the studio and theater owners.

Mary Carey graduated from Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew Wednesday. She was both a porno movie star and a California governor candidate. So her opinion carries weight when she says Hillary would photograph better if she were on top of the ticket.

Hillary Clinton said Wednesday she could share a ticket with Barack Obama. The problem is with stereotypes. He refuses to be her driver and she refuses to be his secretary and Michelle Obama refuses to sit in the back of the bus with Bill Clinton.

Barack Obama warned he will raise questions about Hillary's financial dealings, saying she started it. She brought up a shady real estate deal he transacted with crooked donor Tony Rezko back in Chicago. There is always one disciple who goes wrong.

John McCain welcomed Pastor James Hagee's endorsement Monday despite the man's diatribes against the Catholic Church. A lot of Republicans find it offensive when the pastor begins talking about the Great Whore. John McCain got out of the cash-for-favors business when he gave up the chairmanship of the Senate Commerce Committee.

President Bush endorsed John McCain in the Rose Garden Wednesday. Eight years ago Bush spread rumors in South Carolina that McCain fathered a black child, and on Wednesday Bush endorsed him. The toughest thing about dirty tricks is topping yourself.

President Bush stood next to a Mack truck at the Renewable Energy Conference Wednesday in Washington. It's powered by alternative fuel. A year from now, Yuppies will be driving their kids to school in Mack trucks and bragging that they're saving the earth.

Barack Obama said Hillary Clinton's appearance on Saturday Night Live helped her beat him Tuesday. It's taken sixteen years for Hillary to make humor work for her, not against her. Young people could never comprehend the number of jokes at the expense of Polish people, dumb blondes, and Texas Aggies before the Clintons came along.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-6-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Bret Favre retired Tuesday, saying he wanted to go home to his farm in Southern Mississippi. It was a money decision. Green Bay offered him twenty million to play football but the Agriculture Department offered him thirty million not to grow cotton.

The Los Angeles Marathon drew a record number of runners Sunday for the twenty-six-mile run through town. The finishing times were a bit slow this year. Half the competitors stopped to pick up their dry cleaning and their kids just to save the gas.

President Bush said Tuesday it would be a mistake for OPEC not to increase oil output. Americans were all ears. President Bush knows nothing about the world, the economy or the environment, but nobody questions his expertise in the area of mistakes.

Britney Spears broke up with her boyfriend Monday a week after she surrendered custody of her two kids. That's the way it goes. With gas nearing four dollars per gallon, everyone in Los Angeles is having to make hard choices in order to stay mobile.

Oklahoma City residents voted Tuesday on a hundred million dollar plan to lure an NBA team. Nothing was overlooked. The money will be used to upgrade the existing arena, to construct a practice facility, and to build church facades over the strip bars.

Hollywood private eye Tony Pellicano went on trial Wednesday for illegally wiretapping male movie stars in divorce cases. The divorces were inevitable. These guys reside in Hollywood, where a fool and his money get to meet a lot of great babes.

Hillary Clinton made a goal line stand Tuesday in Texas, Ohio and Rhode Island primaries and halted Barack Obama's momentum. She got a lot of late deciders. There was a knock on her bedroom door at two in the morning and, of all people, it was Bill.

Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama attacked each other Tuesday as the primaries settled nothing. It looks like a bloodbath all the way to the convention. They both have Secret Service protection so there is no telling how it's going to turn out.

Hillary Clinton spent the nights before Tuesday's primaries getting big laughs on Saturday Night Live and on Jon Stewart's Daily Show. It's helpful. With every audience she kills, she gets a little closer to matching John McCain's Vietnam record.

John McCain capped a major comeback Tuesday by seizing the GOP nomination with four primary wins. He was left for dead last summer. Then on Tuesday night, Ohio, Texas, Rhode Island and Vermont tied Israel's record for most number of resurrections.

John McCain angered conservatives with his victory speech Tuesday. He thanked all the Democrats and independents for giving him the Republican nomination. Rush Limbaugh's doctors conferred the next morning and unanimously agreed to put him back on Hillbilly Heroin.

John McCain clinched the GOP nomination with four primary wins Tuesday. He was born on an American military base in the Panama Canal Zone. This means in four years Arnold Schwarzenegger will be able to run for president by arguing that the year he was born, Austria had enough U.S. tanks in it to qualify as an American military base.

President Bush phoned the newly-elected president of Russia, Dmitry Medvedev, to congratulate him on Sunday. It was a tense conversation. It's not clear just how much power the president has with Dick Cheney behind the scenes as the prime minister.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-5-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez on Sunday threatened to take Venezuela to war with Colombia. It's alarming. If Hugo Chavez is able to get control of both the oil and the cocaine in the Western Hemisphere he can take California away from Mexico.

American Idol judge Simon Cowell Monday turned down a two million dollar offer to be Viagra's spokesman in Britain. Last year England began selling the drug over the counter. Since then the sales are off but the counters have gone through the roof.

The Pittsburgh Pirates set aside all-you can-eat sections in the ball park for all games this season. It's where fans can eat for free for forty dollars a ticket. Structural engineers think it's cheaper to let the stadium collapse than to implode it.

President Bush said Monday that telecom companies should be thanked for serving their country, not sued for wiretapping Americans. He's right. We finally live in a country where you can talk to the president without waiting to have your call returned.

Barack Obama was forced to explain Monday how he bought his home through indicted Chicago businessman and fundraiser Tony Rezko. It goes with the territory. When Hillary Clinton played church softball growing up in Chicago, she led the league in crooked real estate deals.

Hillary Clinton said Monday this is a wartime election and that in her opinion, Democrats don't talk about that enough. War is a serious business. She's doubled her number of appearances on NBC's Saturday Night Live just to stress the urgency of it.

Barack Obama told an Ohio rally Sunday that he prays to Jesus nightly. So much for candidates distancing themselves from President Bush. Not only did Hillary vote for Bush's war but Obama consults regularly with Bush's favorite political philosopher.

Barack Obama's economic advisor secretly met with Canadian officials last week to assure them he won't change NAFTA as he promised in Ohio. It's no big deal. He was just doing what all politicians do, but his followers nearly choked on their Kool-Aid.

John McCain told a Phoenix crowd Sunday he's the presidential candidate who is best experienced to answer the White House phone at three o'clock in the morning. He knows the dangers out there. If he jumps up too quickly to get the phone he could jab a lobbyist in the throat with his elbow and start a chain reaction across the bed.

Gloria Steinem belittled John McCain's prisoner ordeal Sunday. She said a woman POW would have been grilled about her sex life during captivity. You're not legally required to be interviewed by Barbara Walters but it's the only way to win the election.

Senator Larry Craig took out an ad last week to hire an intern for his few remaining months in office. The ad said it's a great opportunity to learn, but after a week no one had answered it. This put a real dent in Out magazine's classified ad success rate.

Israeli jets rescued an Egyptian helicopter from Palestinian gunfire when it strayed over Gaza Monday. Egypt says it was an oil company helicopter but Israel says it was a military helicopter. Is there anyone who can tell them apart in this day and age?

Occidental Petroleum fought the Bureau of Land Management Monday to drill in central California. A possibly huge oil field is a protected habitat for the kangaroo rat. As soon as gas reaches four dollars a gallon the kangaroo rat will be a fuel additive.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-4-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

The Democratic Party holds more primaries today and the pollsters' latest snapshots show Hillary on top of Obama in Ohio and Barack on top of Hillary in Texas. Today there'll be no losers. Larry Flynt just offered ten million dollars for the snapshots.

Kenyans blamed Hillary Clinton for circulating a photo of Barack Obama wearing a turban in Kenya. They demanded she pay his father's village one American cow for this insult. Foreigners will risk Mad Cow disease before they will take the U.S. dollar.

Barack Obama expressed anger Sunday over misperceptions that he's Muslim. It's nothing to worry about. Having the middle name Hussein doesn't make Barack Obama a Muslim any more than the middle name Walker makes President Bush a twelve-year-old Scotch.

Hillary Clinton aired a new set of campaign commercials Friday which question Barack Obama's readiness to be a responsible U.S. commander in chief. Hillary must be careful comparing Barack Obama to President Bush. There are libel laws to consider.

Barack Obama told Ohio voters Sunday that he's tired of people questioning his religion and spreading rumors he's Muslim. He said every night he prays directly to Jesus Christ. In truth it's not so much a prayer as it is a support group for saviors.

Hillary Clinton went on NBC's Saturday Night Live for a sketch and the cast was especially polite to her. They sure love her on that show. This time tomorrow her picture could be in the studio hallway right next to John Belushi's and Chris Farley's.

The Dallas Morning News endorsed Mike Huckabee Sunday, praising his evangelical and moral certitude. It could backfire on the GOP. When the rapture occurs and the righteous are called to heaven, it could leave the Democrats with a permanent majority.

West Virginia's governor ripped a Hollywood casting call ad in a West Virginia newspaper seeking abnormal or inbred-looking people for an Appalachian horror film. They don't need this. West Virginians have been on the Jerry Springer show so often they all have medical, pension and life insurance through the actors' union.

The Pew Center on the States released a study Thursday claiming that one in every one hundred Americans is in prison. It's a source of pride for some. O.J. Simpson will brag to anyone on the golf course that he always tested in the ninety-nine percentile.

Houston Astros owner Drayton McLane vowed Monday to honor his personal services contract with Roger Clemens. He loves the guy. He will change the team colors back to orange if it makes Roger feel less conspicuous picking up trash along the roadside.

President Bush on Sunday hosted the prime minister of Denmark. It's the country that produced the Anglo-Saxons who seized England and Normandy fifteen hundred years ago, then moved on to conquer North America, Australia, India, New Zealand and South Africa. The Iraq policy has a lineage that goes back like the first chapter of Matthew.

Prince Harry was welcomed home from Afghanistan Sunday at Heathrow Airport. He got off the plane still wearing full body armor. He got into the outfit on the plane because he heard that photographers were waiting in England to shoot him.

The U.S. Navy announced on Sunday an American military helicopter fired a guided missile and hit and killed an al-Qaeda leader in Baghdad. The target was from Saudi Arabia. King Abdullah was very upset until we explained that the terrorist was disguised as a woman who had just had lunch alone with a man who isn't a family member.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-3-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

John McCain accidentally referred to himself as a liberal Friday, then laughed and said he didn't mean it. There's a reason Americans will vote for a president who has his finger on the button but doesn't know what he's saying. That reason is continuity.

Roger Clemens was investigated by the FBI Friday for perjury before Congress. Most people think he'll get a presidential pardon. The reason President Bush commuted Scooter's sentence last year was because Dick Cheney told him it was for Phil Rizzuto.

Prince Harry was shown on TV scattering Taliban fighters with his machine gun in Afghanistan. His commanders raved about his courage under fire. The prince trained for the war in Afghanistan by standing between his mother and father when he was four.

John McCain was reported Thursday to have been born outside the U.S. in the Panama Canal Zone. Today the canal zone is controlled by China. Not only is he possibly ineligible to run for U.S. president, but he's in violation of China's one-child policy.

Hillary Clinton asks in a new ad whom you want as president if the White House phone rings at three in the morning. Only she knows how to handle that call. Nine times out of ten it's just Bill saying don't believe what it says in the morning paper.

Michelle Obama accused Republicans Thursday of fear-mongering by repeating her husband's middle name, Hussein. It's all an accident. At the time his parents named him Hussein they didn't think that would be the reason he would never become president.

Barack Obama picked up the presidential endorsement of Senator Jay Rockefeller on Friday. He's the chairman of the Senate Intelligence Committee and the great-grandson of the founder of Exxon Mobil Oil Company. Sometimes Ralph Nader has a point.

Ralph Nader announced his presidential candidacy on NBC's Meet the Press last Sunday and then named a follower his running mate. There's no truth to the rumor he will hold his nominating convention in a garage. No comedian can stand a half-filled room.

Wall Street plunged Friday on bad news about the mortgage crisis, inflation, gas prices, joblessness and credit card debt. It's all falling into place. The president's new plan to defeat the terrorists is to lure them into following us home.

President Bush told reporters Thursday he sees no sign of recession just a day before the stock market crashed. He also had no idea gas prices are nearing four dollars per gallon. He makes underwear models for Calvin Klein look like news junkies.

Victoria's Secret executives announced Thursday the lingerie chain will totally retool its marketing image and begin selling less sexy underwear. Sales have been plummeting recently. Britney Spears killed underwear the way Jack Kennedy killed hats.

CBS signed a deal to air Mixed Martial Arts bouts in April. The sport's bloody and barefisted and allows judo, karate, wrestling, boxing and kickboxing. Of all the ideas CBS has had to boost Katie Couric's ratings, this is the one that might work.

Chicago Cubs owner Sam Zell infuriated Chicagoans Thursday by announcing he will sell the naming rights to Wrigley Field. Is nothing sacred? Next thing you know the pope will be giving his Easter sermon from a balcony overlooking Hooters' Square.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-2-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Roger Clemens faces an investigation this week for lying to Congress about steroid use. It's really ugly. Testimony indicates he attended a party at Jose Canseco's house where Mrs. Canseco and Mrs. Clemens compared breast sizes, and their husbands won.

The Academy Awards telecast last Sunday drew the lowest American television ratings in the show's history. It was blamed on all the foreign nominees who were honored. That photo of Oscar wearing a turban turned out to be really devastating in the polls.

Prince Harry was revealed by a tabloid Thursday to be fighting on the front line in Afghanistan. The prince was deployed to Afghanistan as a second option. They wanted to send him to Promises in Malibu to get sober but there's less heroin in Afghanistan.

Tiger Woods won again Sunday at the Accenture Open in Tucson. It is his twenty-third win since he got married. It was Ben Hogan who told golfers to take a full turn, keep your head still, shift your weight to the left then marry a Swedish blonde.

John McCain was reported Thursday to have been born in Panama. Our three choices are a Kenyan, a Panamanian and a woman linked to Bill Clinton. The reason they ran for president is because not one of them could pass the background check to be a nanny.

The Democratic Party candidates debate between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama drew a record eight million viewers for MSNBC. It's no surprise. Ever since colonial times, witch burnings have been an effective stunt during the February ratings sweeps.

Hillary Clinton said she raised thirty-five million dollars in February. She's finally gotten the hang of Internet fundraising. It turns out the only three ways to make money on the Internet are pornography, gambling and promising free health care.

Michelle Obama accused Republicans Thursday of fear-mongering by repeating her husband's middle name, Hussein. What's happened to America? Before either Bush became president, King Hussein and Saddam Hussein were two of our best friends in the region.

The White House asked Turkey Thursday to withdraw its troops from northern Iraq, which they just invaded. We'll never get the Turks out until they have accomplished their mission. They believe they have a religious calling to bring autocracy to Iraq.

Arnold Schwarzenegger asked an Ohio military museum to return the Austrian army tank he loaned the museum. He wants it in Sacramento. He's trying to win a bet he made with Ed Begley Jr. that nothing on this planet gets worse mileage than his Hummer.

President Bush held a White House press conference Thursday. He repeated the same talking points he's used since the World Trade Center attack. To make himself perfectly clear to the American people, the press conference was simulcast in English.

President Bush said Thursday he has no idea who'll wield power in Russia after Vladimir Putin switches over to prime minister. Our president is really enjoying himself. Until the wiretapping law gets re-authorized he has a great excuse for not knowing anything.

Great Britain's judicial office said Thursday the judgment in Paul McCartney's divorce case will be announced in two weeks. Everyone's watching. It could be the most expensive divorce in British history, if you don't count the American Revolution.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio