Argus Hamilton's column for 2-29-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

President Bush hosted the Boston Red Sox at the White House Wednesday to mark the team's World Series victory. He had a great time joking with the team. They won twice during his presidency, making the Red Sox the glaring exception to the rule.

Roger Clemens faces a perjury probe today for denying steroid use to the House Oversight Committee. It seems a little harsh to charge him with lying to Congress. It's not like everybody believed him and invaded Iraq on the strength of what he said.

Michael Jackson reportedly got a loan Wednesday to avoid foreclosure on Neverland Ranch in Santa Barbara. It has outlived its usefulness. After all the publicity that the house has gotten, there's no way the neighbors still think it's a junior high.

The New York Philharmonic orchestra got a standing ovation in North Korea this week. They're already sorry they went. Dick Cheney canceled their return flight saying that if they leave, it will destabilize the region and empower the terrorists.

Hillary Clinton on Tuesday found herself barely holding on in the polls in Texas, slightly leading in Ohio and just ahead in Pennsylvania, and she must win all three or she's finished. No wonder the turnout has been so good. Hollywood has known for a hundred years that nothing draws a crowd like tying a blonde to the railroad tracks.

Barack Obama's church faces an IRS probe for letting him make a political speech at the church's convention. No problem. The church has a million hours of cable news footage to prove he is Jesus, so they will have no trouble proving it was just a business trip.

John McCain was reported Wednesday to be interested in Florida governor Charlie Crist as his running mate. How smart. If Democrats nominate Obama, John McCain should select the Florida governor and give the voters a clear choice between Jesus and Crist.

Barack Obama and John McCain gave speeches ridiculing each other's Iraq policy Wednesday. Their differences are easy to understand. John McCain wants to stay in Iraq for the next hundred years and Barack Obama is still young enough to get drafted.

Cincinnati radio host Bill Cunningham slammed John McCain for repudiating his onstage intro of the senator, during which he called Obama a terrorist-coddling hack politician from Chicago. It's crazy. The radio guy decided in anger to endorse Hillary Clinton, who is refusing his endorsement saying he's too soft on Barack Obama.

Hillary Clinton spoke for three hours in a gymnasium in Ohio on Wednesday. It's absolutely amazing how nature always replenishes itself. The moment Fidel Castro retires from public life, another party member arises to take the three-hour time slot.

The Supreme Court heard arguments Wednesday on the Exxon Valdez oil spill caused by pilot Joseph Hazelwood eighteen years ago in Alaska. What a mess. To this day no speaker can follow him at AA meetings when he details the damage done by his drinking.

The House Commerce Committee tried to force pro sports to freeze athletes' blood and store it for future HGH testing. The administration opposes the idea, calling it unconstitutional. Republicans are constitutionally opposed to bleeding rich people.

The White House admitted Tuesday that a week of Dick Cheney's e-mail has disappeared. It happened to be the week a special prosecutor opened an investigation into the leaking of a CIA agent's name. If the vice president really wanted to make sure the e-mail never falls into the hands of prosecutors, he probably sent it to the Clinton Library.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-28-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

The Doomsday Vault opened in Norway Tuesday to store crop seeds in case of a global catastrophe. The seed vault can survive a nuclear strike and global warming. Dick Cheney, who loves a challenge, was last seen boarding a flight to Norway with a flock of chickens.

Jennifer Lopez was reported jubilant about the birth of her twins with husband Marc Anthony. Nine months ago she telephoned him when she knew it was her maximum fertile moment and he rushed over. Denny's said they will not be welcomed there again.

Academy Award winner Tilda Swinton told reporters backstage Sunday she has two boyfriends in her life. She lives with both of them under one roof. It's perfectly legal in California as long as you pay a twenty-five dollar fee for the extra baggage.

Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch may be sold at auction in two weeks. He owes twenty-four million dollars on it. He's just another Californian who's losing his house, except the teaser that caused the problem was a Hershey bar and a ferris wheel.

Pope Benedict raised the standards for church sainthood Thursday. He called on bishops to exercise more rigor and sobriety in selecting saints. Barack Obama was in enough trouble when people thought he was Muslim, and now they think he's Catholic.

Barack Obama was shown in a photograph released Monday wearing a Muslim turban in Kenya last year. It gets nastier. The next day an old photograph surfaced of Hillary Rodham leading a meeting of the Methodist Youth Fellowship, an all-white club.

Hillary Clinton debated Barack Obama for the twentieth time Tuesday on NBC. It was nothing we haven't seen before. At one point NBC was forced to separate them with Chelsea Clinton and a chocolate Labrador to prevent them from killing each other.

Hillary Clinton cited a Saturday Night Live skit to complain that Barack Obama gets worshipful press coverage. Reporters missed her remarks. They were standing in line to get into a arena where Barack Obama was performing the blessing of the microphones.

John McCain rebuked an Ohio radio talk show host who introduced him at a rally Tuesday. The guy called Obama a terrorist-coddling hack politician from Chicago. Senator McCain used his sternest tones to point out that Senator Obama is from Hawaii.

South Florida had a power outage after a nuclear plant automatically shut down Tuesday. It's the Supreme Court's fault. Lawmakers are hoping the high court lets them go back to lethal injection because the electric chair is sapping the power grid.

President Bush showed slides of his Africa trip Tuesday and discussed how much he enjoyed the experience. He obviously loved coaching kids in Ghana Little League baseball. The outfielders don't just overthrow the cutoff man, they topple his statue.

Fidel Castro made it clear Tuesday he is not fading away. He said he is still commander in chief, he heads the party and he won't give up his newspaper column. Half the political prisoners in Cuba are editors who have tried to cancel his column.

Reggie Bush blew off his deposition in San Diego Monday in the civil suit that alleged he took money and a house while he played football at USC. The NCAA still hasn't punished USC. If this infraction had been committed by Oklahoma or by the Clintons, they would have already had to forfeit every victory in the last twenty years.




Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-27-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Daniel Day-Lewis won the Academy Award for Best Actor Sunday for his role in There Will Be Blood. He portrays a greed-crazed oil man and a born-again Christian. He deserves an Oscar for playing both the vice president and president in one picture.

The Academy Awards show got the lowest ratings in its history Sunday for ABC. Next year's ratings are certain to be much better. With Tom Cruise playing a one-eyed Nazi colonel against Frank Langella as Nixon, the advertising time is already sold out.

Jennifer Lopez was offered six million dollars by People magazine for the first picture of her new twins. No one's surprised the photo is worth six million dollars. What no one could believe is that she was willing to dress up her babies as Marilyn Monroe.

Southern California surfers enjoyed fifteen-foot waves after a monstrous storm off the Pacific on Monday. One surfer was reported missing. He was filling up his car at the Chevron station in Malibu and he got pulled under by four dollars a gallon.

Southern Methodist University faced a lawsuit on Monday from bishops and clergy who don't want President Bush's library on campus. It won't be that expensive to clear space for the library. President Bush has a history of doing his own demolition.

President Bush slammed Congress for refusing to pass a warrantless wiretapping bill that gives legal immunity to phone companies. There's no public sympathy for it. Protecting the phone company is like making sure O.J. Simpson gets a fair trial.

Cuba's parliament Sunday named Raul Castro to replace his ailing brother Fidel as president. Fidel resigned last week citing gastro-intestinal problems. The CIA can only console itself with the knowledge that some poisons take forty-five years to work.

The New York Philharmonic orchestra landed in North Korea Monday for a concert in the hermit kingdom. It's part of an effort to warm up ties between the two nations. Either that or the 1812 Overture is another sneaky test of our missile defense system.

John McCain said Monday if he can't convince Americans the U.S. policy in Iraq is succeeding, he will lose. Every day he tells voters that the surge is working just fine. And he wonders why nobody believes his denials about the affair with a lobbyist.

Ralph Nader launched his presidential bid on Meet the Press Sunday. Democrats had to shudder. Ralph Nader has such a reputation as a spoiler that U.S. agriculture officials have orders to shoot him on sight if they see him near a meat packing plant.

Barack Obama cried foul Monday when a photograph surfaced of him in Kenya last year wearing a Muslim turban. The Clinton campaign has a distinct advantage in this field. All of Bill's scandals occurred just before the cell phone camera was invented.

Gennifer Flowers said Monday she is going to sell the recordings of her phone conversations with Bill Clinton. She said there's historical interest in the tapes of a sitting American president talking to his mistress. It's of historical interest to young people who want to know what phone sex was like before there were chat rooms.

Barack Obama met off-camera Monday with Jewish leaders who wanted to hear his support for Israel. They're worried about his willingness to talk to Iran, his ties to Jimmy Carter advisors, and his endorsement by Louis Farrakhan. They wanted to remind him privately that if he's going to be Jesus, he has to remember he is Jewish.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-26-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

The Women's Media Foundation sought nominations Sunday for its Courage in Journalism award. That's easy. The bravest man in America is the one who woke up John McCain Monday with the news that all the major Academy Awards went to No Country for Old Men.

The Academy Awards ceremony aired live from Hollywood Sunday. The winners were careful onstage. Five years ago Michael Moore predicted that Saddam Hussein had no weapons of mass destruction, now everyone bugs him about what stocks they should pick.

The Kodak Theatre was the site of the Academy Awards Sunday as a light drizzle fell on Hollywood Boulevard. The red carpet was covered by a plastic canopy. In the camera shots from the helicopter it looked like the broadcast was sponsored by Trojan.

Mike Huckabee appeared on NBC's Saturday Night Live and poked fun at his hopeless campaign. Everyone agrees he's funny, entertaining and hip. He finished dead last among ten million candidates for the Southern Baptist Convention's annual image award.

The NFL combine in Indianapolis Sunday measured rookies for speed and strength and agility. You can tell there's about to be a new president. Last year there was a lot of limping around because of rumors that Uncle Sam had the first draft pick.

St. Louis Cardinals manager Tony La Russa tried and failed to get the team brass to sign Barry Bonds. He once managed Mark McGwire and Jose Canseco. Tony LaRussa has a master's degree in law and a doctorate who will inject anyone, no questions asked.

Fidel Castro resigned his office and announced he's going on a vacation Friday. He survived ten U.S. presidents who tried to get rid of him and he beat the odds last year on the operating table. Sears will never find a better spokesman for the DieHard.

Ralph Nader announced for president Sunday on NBC's Meet the Press. He cost Al Gore the presidency and today Al's got five hundred million dollars, an Oscar, and a Nobel Prize. William Shatner just asked Ralph Nader to run against him for the Emmy.

Southern Methodist University finally agreed to house the George W. Bush Library despite outrage by bishops and clergy. It will include a think tank to promote his policies and philosophy. What they need is an Abrams tank to run over the protesters.

Hillary Clinton was criticized by her donors Friday for spending too much money on hotels and catering. She spent a fortune on four-star restaurants and hotels. Democrats believe that if you don't eat like a president you don't look like a president.

John McCain denied charges Friday that he kept a lobbyist mistress. Now he has to get his wife a Senate seat. By the time Larry Flynt gets through exposing all the cheaters on Capitol Hill, the Senate will look like the tea room at Bloomingdale's.

The U.S. Navy's successful demolition of a falling satellite caused a sensation in diplomatic circles around the globe. The missile was reconfigured in less than a month to hit a satellite, and it was fired from a Navy ship at sea, and it worked just perfectly. Michelle Obama said it made her feel moderately proud of her country.

The Pentagon questioned Barack Obama Saturday for saying in the last debate that U.S. troops are using Taliban weapons because it's faster than getting U.S. weapons delivered. Don't expect much news coverage. CNN and MSNBC will admit President Bush was right about something before they admit that Barack Obama was wrong about something.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-25-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

The Academy Award nominees for Best Actor on Sunday were actors who played an assassin, a gangster, a bank robber, an attorney and an oil man. This year all the bad guys are white males. It's what the Democratic Party calls the tide of history.

Hillary Clinton denied on Friday that her praise for Barack Obama in the Texas debate was a concession speech. She knows what she's doing. She figures if she can stay in the race until Easter there's a chance that Barack Obama will just float away.

John McCain was backed by conservatives on Friday after the New York Times hinted he had an affair with a lobbyist. He's married to a rodeo queen and beer heiress. In the desert Southwest and in fifteen Southern states his nickname is Prince Philip.

The New England Patriots were reported Friday to have been secretly videotaping other teams for six years. The tapes were destroyed. The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl, the neighbors complained about the loud party at the Nixon Library.

Fidel Castro met with reporters after announcing his resignation on Friday and said he's physically exhausted and he's going to take a vacation. It's obvious what he's going to do next. He's defeated nine U.S. presidents, he's going to Disneyland.

Harry Caray's bar in Chicago invited fans to share a one-hundred-gallon mug of beer Friday to mark the one hundred years since the Cubs won the World Series. So you see the problem. Chicagoans fight a flu epidemic the same way they play baseball.

Snoop Dogg was ticketed in New York for pot possession Friday. He was arrested three times for pot, once for cocaine and gun possession and he's been acquitted of murder. He is thirty-six years old, which is one hundred and eighty in rap star years.

Homeland Security announced completion of a virtual fence on the Mexican border Thursday. It's a wall of motion sensors and invisible laser beams. Last night ten Mexicans walked through the virtual wall and Keanu Reeves welcomed them to the Matrix.

Roger Clemens may have attended a party at Jose Canseco's home which he had hotly denied attending. A photo of him at the party taken by an eleven-year-old boy has surfaced. If Hillary was president, children wouldn't have to sell tabloid photos to pay for college.

The Secret Service ordered Dallas police to stop screening people for weapons as they entered an arena for Barack Obama's speech Wednesday because the line was slow. There's no reason to worry. For crying out loud, it's Dallas, what could happen?

GOP Congressman Rick Renzi was indicted on three dozen counts of embezzlement on Friday. He had been a great American success story. Rick Renzi started out as a lowly bank teller and within a month he was bringing home ten thousand dollars a week.

Southern Methodist University announced Friday it will be the home of the George W. Bush library. It took awhile to overcome the local opposition. They had to wait until oil hit one hundred dollars a barrel before nobody in Texas would argue with it.

Mike Huckabee said Friday his goal is a deadlocked GOP convention this summer even though John McCain has already virtually clinched the nomination. He's no good at mathematics. When he was in high school, Mike Huckabee refused to take geometry because he believes geometry is just Satan's way of getting children to draw his symbols.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-24-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

The Academy Awards ceremony airs on ABC tonight live from the Kodak Theater on Hollywood Boulevard. Everybody in show business will be there. Jamie Lynn Spears just announced she'll attend the ceremony in order to spend less time with her family.

The NBA season resumed Tuesday after a spectacular All-Star weekend that showcased new stars. The quality of play has fans on their feet. The Los Angeles Lakers look so great that people are already picking out a place to burn down in June.

Raul Castro took over the reins of power in Cuba Tuesday. Street parties broke out in Havana. The Cuban people are like the woman who enjoyed the happiest day of her life when she walked up to the altar, kissed her husband, and then closed the lid.

John McCain was reported Thursday to have been suspected by his aides of having an affair with a lobbyist during his last presidential bid. She looks just like his second wife, who looks just like his first wife. Some men just don't understand the concept of cheating.

Barack Obama drew eighteen thousand adoring fans to Reunion Arena in Dallas on Tuesday as he battled a head cold. They even applauded him when he blew his nose onstage. Billy Graham sent him a note offering him one hundred dollars for that trick.

Hillary Clinton performed deftly in the Texas debate on Thursday. She finessed a question about a border wall by going into a long description of smart fencing. You don't stay married to Errol Flynn without learning a thing or two about smart fencing.

The U.S. Navy fired a missile and shot down a satellite flying one hundred thirty miles above the earth and going eighteen thousand miles an hour. What a shot. Now you know why the Navy won't take anybody who didn't graduate from a four-year video arcade.

The U.S. Embassy in Belgrade was burned Thursday by Serb mobs angry about the U.S. recognition of Kosovo. The White House expressed annoyance that Serbia couldn't control the crowd. We don't have enough troops left to express anything but annoyance.

President Bush's news briefings in Africa were halted twice by birds. In Rwanda he was drowned out by cranes and in Ghana it was shrieking peacocks. We knew the Bush presidency was an Alfred Hitchcock movie but up until now we thought it was Psycho.

President Bush was in Monrovia Thursday and congratulated Liberians for ending their fourteen-year civil war. He said it's much easier to destroy a country than to rebuild one. So you see, his critics are wrong, he has learned something in seven years.

The British Medical Society called for higher taxes on alcohol to combat binge drinking. It never ends. The doctors won't be happy until James Bond opens each movie by introducing himself to a roomful of strangers as a sex addict and a alcoholic.

The Florida Board of Education voted to allow evolution to be taught as a science in Florida schools. It's a partisan issue. The Gallup Poll shows seventy percent of Republicans believe in evolution while five percent of monkeys believe in Republicans.

Senators Joe Biden and John Kerry and Chuck Hagel were onboard a U.S. helicopter in Afghanistan Thursday when bad weather forced it to land in a remote mountain area. They were never in danger. The senators were rescued by U.S. troops as soon as they radioed in their latitude, their longitude and their support for a military pay raise.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-22-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

The New York Times reported Wednesday that John McCain's aides believed he was having an affair with a young female lobbyist eight years ago. The flurry will die down soon. Hillary Clinton just agreed to go on CBS' 60 Minutes Sunday and forgive him.

The U.S. Navy fired a missile Wednesday to shoot down a satellite the size of a school bus. It was a purely political act. The Republican Party has won seven of the last ten presidential elections by opposing school busing with everything they've got.

Cuba's new leader Raul Castro showed a willingness to work with U.S. authorities after taking over Tuesday. He offered to return any U.S. terror suspects who escape over the fence at Guantanamo. It only adds to Cuba's long list of human rights abuses.

Roger Clemens canceled a public appearance at Disney Hollywood Studios this week. It might have caused a ruckus. There's a cantaloupe on display at the entrance gate next to a sign telling visitors their heads must be this small to go inside.

Saturday Night Live auditioned comedians Tuesday to find the one who does the funniest Barack Obama impression for the show's sketches. Finding a comedian to impersonate Hillary was simple. Playing a corpse is everybody's first acting job in show business.

Steven Spielberg quit as adviser to the Olympics opening ceremony. He wants China to change their Darfur policy and they won't do it. The last time anyone said no to Steven Spielberg he warned his kindergarten teacher she'd never work in show business again.

The Los Angeles Dodgers and San Diego Padres announced Wednesday they'll play a series of exhibition games against each other in China in two weeks. They love baseball in China. One stadium has a left-field wall that is four thousand miles long.

The New York Times listed Major League ballplayers Wednesday who are involved in cockfighting in the Dominican Republic. It's a natural combination. The birds are all on steroids, so of course the cocks are a little smaller than you would expect.

Hillary Clinton's campaign manager said Wednesday she will make a much better commander-in-chief than her rivals. She's well schooled in the use of force. How many presidential candidates can honestly say that they have thrown a lamp at an important world leader?

President Bush enjoyed a tee-ball game in Ghana on Wednesday as the Little Saints played the Little Dragons for one inning. The kids played their hearts out. The way he is throwing money around in Africa they thought he was George Steinbrenner.

President Bush denied in Africa Tuesday that the U.S. was planning to build U.S. Army bases in Africa. The ruse worked. Whenever a U.S. president visits Africa they disguise their oil wells as windmills so that Republicans will leave town on schedule.

John McCain's wife Cindy McCain told a Republican audience Tuesday that she has always been proud of her country. It was a swipe at Michelle Obama who had just said she was proud of her country for the first time. Cindy's from Navajo country and Michelle is from Chippewa country, and everyone naturally thinks their casino is best.

George Washington's birthday is celebrated nationwide today. As a twenty-one-year-old lieutenant he accidentally started a world war when his troops misread his hand signal and fired on sleeping French soldiers in the Allegheny woods. So you see, President Bush still has a long way to go before he rates an obelisk in his honor.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-21-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Fidel Castro resigned unexpectedly as president of Cuba Tuesday. Over the last two years he has suffered from severe gastro-intestinal problems. And everybody thought that when we started shipping him American beef it was a humanitarian gesture.

Fidel Castro's seventy-six-year-old brother and successor Raoul Castro is well known to enjoy alcohol and tobacco and women. The CIA is already trying to kill him. American kids mustn't learn that you can make it to seventy-six with these habits.

The White House on Tuesday ruled out any change in Cuba policy following Fidel Castro's resignation. The dictator's retirement caps a remarkable career. Every American president since Harry Truman has been survived by his wife and Fidel Castro.

The Florida Board of Education voted Tuesday to allow evolution to be taught as a scientific theory. We haven't come all that far. One science class observed one hundred white mice inside a cage and noticed that the least intelligent male defeated Al Gore.

President Bush flew to Tanzania Monday where reporters' questions about the U.S. presidential race agitated him. He could be in Africa where everyone asks him about Barack Obama or he could be in the U.S. where everyone would ask him why he didn't know that his Texas Rangers took steroids. He's becoming nostalgic for the quagmire in Iraq.

Barack Obama beat Hillary Clinton in the Wisconsin primary Tuesday. It was her ninth loss in a row. When Hillary got the news she was already in Youngstown, Ohio, paying six out-of-work steelworkers a thousand dollars apiece to let her win at darts.

Michelle Obama started a storm Monday by saying that for the first time in her life she's proud of her country. Reaction wasn't all bad. She got a nice note from John McCain thanking her for the one hundred million dollars he can raise in his sleep now.

Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama will hold a debate tonight at the University of Texas in Austin. He's beaten her in ten straight primaries. If Barack Obama beats her one more time she's going to change her campaign theme song to Proud Mary.

New York's Mercantile Exchange saw oil prices close above a hundred dollars a barrel for the first time Tuesday. Reaction was swift. The Griffith Observatory just added coin-operated telescopes on the balcony where for a quarter you can see the price of gasoline.

Homeland Security deployed bomb-sniffing dogs and machine gun-toting guards at Amtrak stations across America Tuesday. It was embarrassing. When CNN aired the footage in Europe, people across eastern Germany were afraid they had won the Cold War.

Zurich police found two recently stolen masterpiece paintings in the back seat of an unlocked car Tuesday. The car was parked outside a mental hospital. The thief would have gotten away with it, however he wasn't quite crazy enough to cut his ear off.

Pentagon contractor and lobbyist Brent Wilkes was sentenced to twelve years in prison Tuesday for supplying jailed former congressman Duke Cunningham with cash and gifts and hookers at the Watergate Hotel. Twelve years in jail is not long enough. God only knows what the hookers might have caught hanging out with a crowd like that.

President Bush signed the stimulus plan to give Americans a six-hundred-dollar tax rebate. The U.S. will borrow more money from China and give it to the American people so they can stimulate the economy by buying more stuff from China. If President Bush doesn't get the best seats at the Summer Olympics, there is no justice in this world.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-20-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

The Vatican announced Pope Benedict will visit President Bush during his first visit to the U.S. as pontiff in April. One is a conservative Catholic, the other is a born-again Protestant. The only thing they agree on is that they're both infallible.

Roger Penske became the first race car owner on Sunday to win both at Daytona and at Indianapolis in one year. He races stock cars and formula one cars year-round and owns a huge auto dealership in Los Angeles. He's the reason we had to invade Iraq.

Roger Clemens told Congress last week he never injected steroids. He was the talk of Capitol Hill. Now the Washington Monument reminds everybody of a giant syringe, but it finally explains how Washington grew to be a head taller than the rest of the founders.

The Agriculture Department recalled beef produced in Southern California Monday due to possible E. coli contamination. It was sent to schools. For most teenage girls in Los Angeles it is a nice change from having to stick their fingers down their throats to lose weight.

Heidi Klum invited Britney Spears Monday to stay with her in her Beverly Hills home as she recovers. This is awful. It's not going to ease the congestion problem in Los Angeles when the world hears that even our baby-sitters are German supermodels.

Barack Obama was caught Monday giving a speech identical to one given by Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick two years ago. In the speech they compare themselves to Abe Lincoln and John F. Kennedy. That would explain why they were both wearing helmets.

Michelle Obama told a crowd in Wisconsin Monday that for the first time in her adult life she's proud of her country. She said it's because people across America are hungry for change. By the end of any Bush presidency, everyone's begging for nickels.

President Bush was met by female dancers in Tanzania Monday. They wore an image of his face on their tube tops and the rear of their skirts. When President Clinton visited they wore an image of his hand on their tube tops and the rear of their skirts.

Bill Clinton lost his temper at a heckler on an Ohio rope line Sunday. He poked the heckler in the face with his finger and had to be restrained by the Secret Service. The guy should never have written a bad newspaper review of Chelsea's singing.

John McCain was endorsed Monday by former president George H.W. Bush. Last week he got Jeb's and the president's backing. John McCain has been tortured by the North Vietnamese, so associating himself with the Bush family feels like a vacation to him.

John McCain campaigned in Texas Monday and vowed to keep U.S. troops in Iraq indefinitely. He continues to justify the invasion. Now he's claiming that Saddam Hussein was using performance-enhancing drugs when he broke Saladin's all-time record.

The Florida Board of Education voted Tuesday on whether to allow the teaching of evolution in Florida schools for the first time. Darwin's Theory is controversial. It holds that man came about when fish made it out of the swamps and onto land and eventually evolved into little insignias on golf shirts.

Dallas County prosecutors released forty-five-year-old transcripts Monday of an alleged conversation between Lee Harvey Oswald and Jack Ruby showing they conspired to kill JFK. The FBI long ago dismissed the transcript as a screenplay. The thing falls apart when Ruby tells Oswald he will text him when he gets to Chicago.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-19-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Barack Obama claimed Americans are one people Sunday as if the Republicans and Democrats were reconcilable. He's certain he's right when it's obvious he's wrong. Genealogists say he's related to Dick Cheney and at last we see the family resemblance.

Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams suggested last week that Britain permit Sharia law for Muslim citizens. It permits stoning, amputation, lashings and beheading by sword. That kind of thing only belongs in Muslim countries and American reality shows.

The Chicago Auto Show showcased new hybrid cars made in Detroit and Japan this past week. The things still don't go fast enough. The attitude in Los Angeles is, what's the use of fifty miles a gallon if when you get there everyone's already left?

Paris Hilton got in trouble Friday when she said she owns seventeen dogs. Only commercial breeders can have more than three. Someone must tell her that having sex with a car while shooting a fast-food commercial doesn't make you a commercial breeder.

Steven Spielberg resigned in protest Friday as the artistic advisor to China's Summer Olympics opening ceremonies. It was inevitable. Ever since the communists began implementing free market economic reforms they've lost the support of Hollywood.

President Bush announced Sunday he will attend the Olympics in China. They spy on citizens, repress all dissent and operate in complete secrecy. There's a reason President Bush has replaced Chairman Mao as every Chinese kid's favorite baseball card.

President Bush said Saturday that Congress's failure to renew his wiretap powers leaves the country vulnerable to terrorists. He predicted a huge attack soon. Everyone thought it was his usual bluff until he took Laura and Condi and headed for Africa.

Kosovo declared independence Sunday, prompting Russia to vow to protect the Serbs there. Just when the Cold War was starting up again, World War One is set to erupt, and at this rate South Carolina will secede any day. Mike Huckabee may be a president yet.

Mike Huckabee pleaded with Wisconsin evangelical voters for support Sunday as his chances for the Republican presidential nomination dwindled. He called for a miracle in Milwaukee. Normally a miracle in Milwaukee is when you bowl a four hundred.

Hillary Clinton hinted Sunday that Barack Obama was afraid to face her onstage in a new debate. It's true she may be a little too strong. Roger Clemens's trainer recognized her in the U.S. Capitol hallways last week and she was walking away from him.

Bill Clinton campaigned for his wife in Ohio on Sunday. He was harassed by one angry heckler during his speech and again out on the rope line. When Hillary told him to court the superdelegates, she forgot to remind him to always call the next day.

The NBA All-Star game in New Orleans Sunday featured a halftime show starring legendary jazz musicians. In the big finale, dancers wearing NBA Cares tee-shirts built two houses right there on the basketball court. The second half was delayed forty minutes while the officials blamed FEMA for the shoddy construction.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-18-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Barack Obama announced Thursday he will spend defense budget dollars to create jobs in environmental work. No one dares object. Barack Obama is being treated like such a god that editorial cartoonists are afraid there will be riots if they draw him.

Hillary Clinton stated Tuesday there will be no personal scandal caused by her husband if she's elected president. There goes the last of her support. First she lost the black vote, then she lost the youth vote, and now she has lost the comedians.

Barron Hilton knocked down a gas station manager with his car before ramming it into a gas pump while driving drunk in Malibu Tuesday. The station manager will never have to worry about having a roof over his head. The Hiltons keep a separate hotel for all the people they run over.

Mel Gibson was in a Los Angeles courtroom Tuesday for his final appearance in his traffic arrest case. The judge sent him to AA meetings. The anti-Semitic tirade against a Jewish cop was settled when lightning struck Malibu, causing two weeks of brushfires.

Roger Clemens read a statement to Congress Wednesday denying that he ever used steroids, and then his accuser Brian McNamee read a statement saying he injected Roger Clemens with steroids. It was breathtakingly dramatic. It's so nice to have the writers back.

Gary Hart told ABC News he blames Democratic party superdelegates for upending his run for the presidency two decades ago. We all remember what really happened to him. Gary Hart had the nomination in his hip pocket, but he couldn't get his pants on.

Senator Arlen Specter chastised NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell Wednesday for getting rid of evidence in the New England Patriots spygate scandal. The commissioner says he did the right thing by destroying the tapes. When Robert Redford made All the President's Men, he meant for the movie to be a thriller, not an instructional video.

The Museum of Natural Science displayed hair samples of America's first twelve presidents in Philadelphia Tuesday. What giants. They established a country that's completely free of monarchy if you don't count the Clintons, the Bushes, the Kennedys and the Presleys.

President Bush held a ceremony honoring Black History Month at the White House Tuesday. He told his guests that nooses and lynchings are nothing to joke about. Last week at the Conservative Political Action Conference, he cut John McCain down just in time.

President Bush ordered new sanctions on Syria by executive order Wednesday and he accused Damascus of meddling with Iraq and Lebanon. What business do they have meddling with their neighbors? They should go across the oceans and do it like we do.

President Bush embarked on a six-day trip to Africa Saturday to display his concern for mankind. A lot of Americans are going to be secretly sad to see him leave office next year. No one likes to admit how much they enjoy watching Gilligan's Island.

Yahoo announced Wednesday it's exploring a partnership with News Corp. to fend off a hostile takeover attempt. The two companies have had a long and mutually beneficial relationship. Ten years ago News Corp. hired every Yahoo it could find to form Fox News.

The Senate Ethics Committee admonished Senator Larry Craig Wednesday over his Minnesota airport bathroom arrest. They said he shouldn't have flashed his business card at the arresting officer. If they said soliciting sex with strangers was unethical, there would be so many vacant Senate offices it would look like the foreclosure crisis.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-17-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell met with Senator Arlen Specter about the New England Patriots spying scandal. The league office destroyed videotape of illegal activity. Everybody on Capitol Hill wants to meet Roger Goodell and find out if he does parties.

Roger Clemens testified in Congress about charges he used steroids late in his career. Why single him out? George Washington was in his forties when he threw a silver dollar across the Potomac River and nobody put his name in the Mitchell Report.

New York Assemblyman Jeff Aubrey ripped a proposed sales tax on cocaine saying dealers already pay too much for fines and defense lawyers. It's a growth industry. Last week three dealers were arrested still wearing their real estate company blazers.

President Bush gave an interview to Fox News Sunday and acknowledged the lousy economy, his low approval ratings and the unpopular war. He wasn't able to reveal any post-presidential plans. Like most Americans he can't go anywhere til his house sells.

Hillary Clinton was endorsed by Senator John Glenn Tuesday. You cannot make it up. John Glenn was a Korean War fighter jet ace, the first American to orbit earth, and the oldest man to go in space, and they say his endorsement gives Hillary gravitas.

Hillary Clinton's deputy campaign manager Mike Henry resigned Tuesday after her campaign manager Patti Solis Doyle stepped down to spend more time with her children. It took a day to work out details of his departure. As soon as he said he was leaving to spend more time with Patti Solis Doyle's children, the cops showed up.

Larry King asked Michele Obama what she loves about her husband on Monday. She said he takes the kids trick-or-treating, he came home for Christmas and he always remembers their wedding anniversary. It's what we call in Hollywood the little things.

The Los Angeles City Council weighed a bill to stop photographers from chasing after celebrities in their cars. The insurance companies oppose the bill. They like to have a complete photographic record whenever a Mercedes Benz is involved in a wreck.

John McCain won the Washington D.C. primary with sixty-seven percent of the vote Tuesday. It was easy. There are three GOP lawmakers who sleep on their couches on Capitol Hill and John McCain promised to name two of them ambassador to Great Britain.

President Bush hosted an event in honor of Black History Month Tuesday. It almost didn't happen. He wasn't going to have a Black History Month event until his aides assured him that it wasn't a celebration of budget surpluses during the Clinton years.

The White House sent an offical cable to U.S. diplomats overseas Wednesday with strict instructions to defend the president's decision to seek execution for tortured terror suspects. The diplomats are naturally confused. The president told them to compare the U.S. position to the Nuremburg trials, but he didn't say which side.

Sports Illustrated photographed its swimsuit issue models in the Cayman Islands for the first time. That's where billionaires hide their money and spend their winters. It's a brilliant way to get that money back to the U.S. through divorce courts.

Patty Hearst and her bulldog Diva won the second-place prize for Best-in-Breed at the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show Monday. She didn't have it on a leash. Once you make a dog feel like she is a part of the revolution, she teaches herself to stay.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-15-08

LA JOLLA--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Michelle Obama said Monday Barack snores and doesn't put the butter back in the fridge. She said she's tired of hearing him deified as some god. Last week Billy Graham called up his house and asked if he might live long enough to do his second Inaugural.

Pew Research Center projected Monday that by mid-century, one in five Americans will be foreign-born. The conclusion drawn by the pollsters has been questioned. How can they be sure that John McCain will not only get elected but re-elected president?

Hillary Clinton insisted Monday the personnel change inside her campaign is not a shake-up. She said her campaign manager left to spend more time with her kids. Like a lot of kids they were volunteering for Obama just to get back at their parents.

Los Angeles had its first house slide of the season Monday after rain weakened the hillsides underneath multimillion-dollar homes. No one was hurt. California has a new state law requiring everyone to wear a seatbelt whenever they're sitting on the front porch.

Arnold Schwarzenegger said Friday if Republicans want to win they will have to be more like him. It's ominous. He gave the same pep talk to Major League Baseball players twenty years ago and now they have to tell Congress the truth or go to prison.

Roger Clemens stopped by Capitol Hill last Friday to chat with lawmakers before his steroid hearing. He was a sensation. The only visitor who was ever recognized by more congressmen and staffers was Ron Jeremy, although only the Democrats admitted it.

Roger Clemens denied accuser Brian McNamee's story that he attended a party at Jose Canseco's house ten years ago. He says he has a receipt to prove that he was on a golf course at the time. Now he's a suspect in the murder of Nicole Brown Simpson.

Amy Winehouse was the toast of the music industry Sunday when the Grammy Awards show in Los Angeles awarded the rehabbing British ballad singer a record-tying five Grammys in a single night. She was hugely excited. She thought she had won five grams.

Las Vegas somehow outpolled Los Angeles on Monday as the epicenter of the home mortgage foreclosure crisis. It must be bad there. So many people in Los Angeles are digging themselves into a hole that it's cut subway construction costs by fifty percent.

President Bush hosted a birthday celebration for Abraham Lincoln Sunday in the White House. It was a fitting tribute. He led the nation into a civil war and suspended constitutional rights and alienated half the country, and so did Abe Lincoln.

President Bush signed the economic stimulus bill Wednesday, which he declared will keep the economy going and people working. Full employment nowadays is absolutely vital. Another eight hours a day of eating and watching television could kill us all.

John McCain was endorsed by Jeb Bush Monday a day after President Bush praised John McCain as a real conservative. He'll be alright. If John McCain can withstand torture from the North Vietnamese he can survive an endorsement from the Bush Family.

Swiss police reported a major theft of classic paintings in Zurich Monday. Art can accurately label your personality just by your ancestry. Italians use art to glorify God, the French use art to glorify love and the British prefer self-portraits.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-14-08

OKLAHOMA CITY--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Valentine's Day signals the end to the writers' strike in Hollywood. This means fewer reality shows and more scripted television series. Once again there will be sex on television, when everybody knows it's a lot more comfortable on the pool table.

Shaquille O'Neal started practicing Monday with his new team, the Phoenix Suns. His legend precedes him. Shaquille O'Neal's arrival in Phoenix with Valentine's Day approaching reminds us all that love is grand, and divorce is a hundred grand a month.

Barack Obama took the lead in the presidential polls on Tuesday following more primary victories. The Illinois senator got his tenth win in a row, and suddenly Republicans are starting to worry. He is just one win away from Byron Nelson's record.

Paris Hilton's little brother was arrested for DUI Tuesday a month after Britney Spears' little sister got pregnant. It's dangerous when younger siblings recklessly seek attention. Last week police had to be called after Jeb Bush endorsed John McCain.

New York officials worried Monday over fan behavior at the last game to be played in Yankee Stadium this fall. It's a scary thought. They may tear Yankee Stadium apart, but if they've got a search warrant there's nothing the trainer can do except testify.

Ball Four author Jim Bouton was honored by the Friars Club Friday. He inspired millions of Little Leaguers. After reading his book and finding out how athletes drink, gamble and chase women, every kid thinks he can grow up to be a New York Yankee.

Roger Clemens testified to the House Oversight Committee about steroid charges Wednesday. They want to know where he got the stuff. With the help of performance-enhancing drugs, congressmen could be on the phone raising money eighteen hours a day.

Amy Winehouse won five Grammy Awards in Los Angeles Sunday but she was denied a visa to enter the United States from Britain to perform on the show due to drug charges. She had to be beamed to the show via satellite. That's how high she was.

Las Vegas was named epicenter of the home mortgage crisis Monday. Everyone used teaser-rate loans to buy homes they can't afford. The only way to keep from losing money in Las Vegas is to walk into the propeller right after you get off the airplane.

Mike Huckabee compared Washington state's GOP elite to the Soviet Union Monday for favoring John McCain. That's unfair. The Soviets would have backed Mike Huckabee over John McCain because they've always judged a candidate by his position on torture.

U.S. Navy jets intercepted Russian bombers that buzzed the carrier USS Nimitz Sunday. They're tired of hearing U.S. officials say al-Qaeda is the number-one threat to America. The Russians might have lost the Cold War but they still have their pride.

Dick Cheney celebrated his sixty-seventh birthday last weekend with family and friends at home in Maryland. His health is fine. The vice president blew out all the candles without a problem, unless you consider buckshot in the wallpaper a problem.

The Archbishop of Canterbury said Friday strict Muslim law in parts of Britain is inevitable. It means women would have rights in some parts of London and be like slaves in others. Everyone is racking their brains to find ways to compete with China.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-13-08

OKLAHOMA CITY--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

The Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show is held at Madison Square Garden this week. It draws a nice cable audience. The networks were about to buy the show and train the dogs to attack supermodels when news came from L.A. that the writers' strike has been settled.

Britney Spears checked out of the UCLA psychiatric ward Wednesday and then she was escorted by a convoy of security vans and motorcycle cops to the Beverly Hills Hotel. It's right down the street from the children's zoo. Last week four kids escaped.

Barack Obama seized the momentum with four primary victories last weekend. His supporters may be inspired by coverage of Black History Month. Hillary Clinton just promised President Bush a full pardon if he'll declare March to be Wronged Woman Month.

Barack Obama upset Hillary Clinton in four primaries last weekend. It was voter greed, pure and simple. Bill Clinton's made so much money since he cheated on Hillary that all the Democrats have decided to see another candidate behind her back.

Barack Obama won a Grammy for the Best Spoken Word Album for the audio version of his book at the Grammy Awards in Los Angeles Sunday. Everybody likes the guy. Barack Obama's so popular that even the Ku Klux Klan just offered him half-membership.

Mike Huckabee beat John McCain in Louisiana and Kansas on Saturday. The voters prefer a funny minister to a serious war hero. Ever since America became the world's only superpower we've been electing our presidents based on their entertainment value.

Mike Huckabee barely lost to John McCain in Washington state on Saturday but he's asking for a vote count investigation. This will go nowhere. Good luck convincing a federal judge that people from Arkansas can count better than people from Microsoft.

President Bush celebrated Abraham Lincoln's birthday Sunday with an event held in the East Room of the White House. He likes to compare himself to Abe Lincoln. You've got to have a hole in your head to think you could establish democracy in Iraq.

President Bush discussed his daily routine as commander-in-chief in a Fox News interview Sunday at the White House. He said every morning the first thing he does is take a look at that day's threat to America. Most people simply call it shaving.

President Bush viewed the tornado-destroyed landscape in Tennessee Friday. He knew better than to tell them FEMA was on the way. After one look, he put in a call to Mary-Kate Olsen and asked if she could send over her party apartment clean-up squad.

The New York Yankees began funding a training camp in China Sunday to expand baseball to the world's largest nation. People in China meet the first test of what it takes to be baseball fans. They're not fussy at all about what goes into a hot dog.

Great Britain asked its Olympic athletes to sign a contract barring them from criticizing China's government while they're in Beijing for the Olympics. If they don't sign, they won't be allowed to go. No one had any idea Wal-Mart was that big in Great Britain.

Bill Clinton said Sunday he totally understands why black folks are voting for Barack Obama. He said they've been voting for whites for years and now they've got Obama and they're proud. If he were any more patronizing he'd be carrying barefoot children through the mud and asking TV viewers to sponsor them for thirty cents a day.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-12-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

NBC News anchor David Shuster was suspended Friday for saying Bill and Hillary Clinton were pimping out Chelsea to win votes. The girl's just doing her best. What are you supposed to do with a degree from Stanford and Oxford in today's economy?

Brian McNamee told Congress Friday he injected Roger Clemens's wife with Human Growth Hormone as well as Roger Clemens with steroids. This investigation is far from over. Their family dog is a St. Bernard but when they bought it, it was a Maltese.

Britney Spears's father was allowed by a Los Angeles court Friday to fire her manager Sam Lufti. Court papers say his real name is Osama. He shortened it to Sam when he got a call from Osama bin Laden complaining that he was ruining his good name.

The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service Friday set aside nine million acres in four Western states as critical habitat for the Mexican spotted owl. No one really thinks the owls are endangered. For every one you deport, three more fly over the fence.

Great Britain's welfare department decided Friday that husbands with many wives are entitled to welfare benefits for each wife. The money is paid directly into his bank account. The things London has to do to attract the next Republican National Convention.

Dick Cheney was at the Armstrong Ranch in Texas over the weekend, the place where he shot a lawyer while hunting two years ago. It wasn't his fault. His aim has been off ever since the CIA briefed him that Texans always hide their last beer in the butter box.

Hillary Clinton was endorsed by the American Nurses Association in Tacoma last week. Her family has deep ties with that union. The moment Bill Clinton woke up in the recovery room after his heart surgery four years ago he took a turn for the nurse.

The Space Shuttle Atlantis docked with the International Space Station Friday and delivered the Columbus science lab. It's an important project. If Mike Huckabee becomes president, outer space will be the only place it's safe for scientists to work.

Mike Huckabee won the Kansas Republican presidential caucus Saturday by a huge margin over John McCain. His belief in creationism gave him a built-in advantage there. Mike Huckabee's photograph is on the cover of every science textbook in Kansas.

President Bush signed a bill Monday approving one hundred fifty billion dollars in tax rebates. Everybody gets six hundred bucks. You can either have the check sent to your house or you can go to the gas station and get one free tank of unleaded premium.

New York prosecutors said Saturday NASCAR's new racetrack on Staten Island was built by a construction company owned by Mafia members. They're big race fans. Al Capone always kept a body in the trunk to help him hold the road during hairpin turns.

Six Degrees Could Change the World was shown on the National Geographic Channel. It says all the effort that goes into making a cheeseburger will someday submerge coastal cities. However, they don't eat cheeseburgers in Israel and it just gives them rocket attacks.

Pope Benedict issued an edict Friday standing by a Vatican Council ruling that the Roman Catholic church is the only true church. He said he welcomes the debate. If there is one thing he learned in the Hitler Youth, it's always be sure of yourself.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-11-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Britney Spears sued her parents Friday to regain control of her forty million dollar fortune. It's easy to prove her mental competence. All she has to do is convince the judge that she will make better use of forty million dollars than Mitt Romney did.

President Bush spoke to the conservative political conference in Washington D.C. Friday. His topic was this fall's election. He warned that prosperity and peace are in the balance, which is a big improvement over being in the toilet where they are now.

Bill and Hillary Clinton's courtship was profiled by NBC News Thursday. They took awhile to get hitched. He was planning to propose to her out on the golf course one morning, but he birdied the first three holes and figured, why spoil a good round?

The Gospel Music Channel aired a show Saturday featuring the first gospel choir made up of National Football League players. The players sing and sway and clap and praise the Lord in jubilant harmony. For crying out loud, it was just a touchdown.

Roger Clemens met with U.S. congressmen in the Capitol Friday. They asked him to stop by. Congress was putting together a stimulus package, and they wanted Roger Clemens' advice on how many cc's they can safely inject without growing breasts.

Roger Clemens' trainer, Brian McNamee, gave DNA evidence to the FBI that he says proves he shot Roger Clemens with steroids. After ten years, there's one thing we know about DNA evidence. It won't put him in prison but it might get him impeached.

The Food and Drug Administration issued a warning to plastic surgery patients Friday that a chemical in Botox may cause difficulty swallowing. This is only going to improve sales in Los Angeles. Not only do you look younger, you lose weight.

Mitt Romney dropped out of the GOP race for president Thursday after spending forty million dollars of his own money on a failed campaign. It wasn't his fault. The country is just not ready yet for a white guy to be president of the United States.

John McCain tried to court GOP conservatives at their banquet in Washington D.C. Thursday. He was loudly booed due to his support of amnesty for illegal aliens. And those were just the bus boys who don't want their relatives to come in and take their jobs.

Ron Paul announced Friday that suicide terrorism expert Robert Pape of the University of Chicago is joining his campaign as an adviser. This can only mean one thing. Ron Paul has decided to run as a third-party candidate and blow up the Republican party with him.

Focus on the Family's James Dobson endorsed Mike Huckabee on Friday. Religious conservatives all agree on right-to-life, prayer in school, and opposition to gay marriage, but Mike Huckabee went the extra mile. He promised to force TV Land to cancel Bewitched.

President Bush visited the tornado-ravaged area of Tennessee on Friday. It was touching. President Bush teared up as the tornado victims put their arms around him and promised to get him a little national attention and help put him back on his feet.

President Bush hit his lowest job approval rating ever in the Associated Press poll Friday. He'll be missed. At the National Prayer Breakfast Thursday, he eulogized the late Maharishi Mahesh Yogi as his favorite cartoon show growing up in the Fifties.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-10-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

President Bush was cheered at a conservative conference in Washington Friday. He just completed the Republican Grand Slam. That's when you play golf on Christmas and Thanksgiving and your wedding anniversary and your wife's birthday, all in one year.

Britney Spears was escorted from UCLA Hospital's psychiatric ward to the Beverly Hills Hotel Wednesday. It's so sad. The Writers Guild has so crippled Hollywood that the Beverly Hills Hotel is having to house mental patients to keep the doors open.

Saudi Arabia arrested a U.S. businesswoman working in Riyadh Tuesday for sitting inside a Starbucks in public with a man. The lack of freedom is ridiculous in that country. Riyadh has the only comedy club in the world with a cemetery on the premises.

The Super Bowl's record ratings Sunday were followed by the usual February fan letdown. That will change this week. On any day, you can turn on CSPAN and watch the Senate play the New England Patriots or watch the House try to hit Roger Clemens.

Brian McNamee gave federal agents the syringes and gauze pads he said he used to inject Roger Clemens with steroids. He turned over the DNA after Clemens denied it under oath. Roger Clemens wishes he could sit down just once after a session with Brian McNamee.

Mitt Romney quit the GOP race Thursday after he spent forty million dollars of his own money in a failed effort. He should thank his lucky stars. It kept the forty million out of the stock market and out of real estate, so he wound up way ahead.

Howard Dean warned against a brokered Democratic party convention this summer with Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama virtually tied in primary delegates. Five hundred at-large super delegates can vote any way they like. The next Secretary of State will only be able to serve three days now that there will be five hundred of them.

Dick Cheney and John McCain spoke to the conservative conference in Washington Thursday. There was a lot of bad blood. John McCain had just said he wants to keep troops in Iraq for one hundred years and Dick Cheney took him to the woodshed for setting timetables.

Dick Cheney took his hunting dog Dave to the veterinarian Thursday in his vice presidential limousine with Secret Service protection. He doesn't trust anyone else to take care of his dog. If anything were to happen to Dave, Barney becomes president.

The White House proposed a three-trillion-dollar federal budget to Congress on Tuesday. It doesn't take into account the cost of keeping U.S. troops in Iraq. Having Iraq as your ally is like having a brother-in-law with a gambling problem and no car.

U.S. officials expressed concern Thursday about the health of Iraq's top Shiite cleric, Grand Ayatollah Ali al-Sistani. He's sharply reduced his workload lately. Either he's about to die, or he just got offered a part as district attorney on Law and Order.

President Bush told the National Prayer Breakfast Thursday about prayer and how it transformed his once-sinful life. It sounded forced. Normally Episcopalians believe that people shouldn't wear their religions on their sleeves, that area is reserved for cuff links.

The World Health Organization said Wednesday that tobacco could kill a billion people by the century's end if governments don't adopt anti-smoking policies. They should make up their minds. Either they think overpopulation is a problem or they don't.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-8-08

OKLAHOMA CITY--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Maharishi Mahesh Yogi died Tuesday after a lifetime of teaching meditation to the masses. He believed if enough people meditate and achieve inner peace it will bring bliss to the world. Bobby Knight's taking over for him but it won't be the same.

The New York Giants were given a ticker tape parade down Broadway Tuesday for winning the Super Bowl. Their defensive line won the game for them. Tom Brady spent more time on his back than Paris Hilton at an NBA All-Star Weekend in Las Vegas.

Roger Clemens' trainer Brian McNamee revealed Wednesday he kept the syringes and gauze pads he used to inject Clemens with steroids. He's no fool. If there's one thing Monica Lewinsky taught everyone it's that if you do anything between the waist and knees to a famous guy, you should keep the DNA evidence in case you need it.

The Republican Party primaries Tuesday left the GOP dismayed and split between three oddball candidates. One guy thinks the earth was made in six days, one guy thinks the Garden of Eden was in Missouri, one guy wants U.S. troops in Iraq for the next hundred years. And Britney Spears thought she got out of the asylum on Wednesday.

Britney Spears was taken home in a convoy of SUVs from UCLA Hospital Wednesday afternoon, followed all the way by news helicopters. It confirmed what doctors said about her. You have to be nuts to take the San Diego Freeway at four in the afternoon.

Robert Culp demanded Monday that the Los Angeles Zoo shut down its elephant exhibit because it's too cramped. They represent this town. You can spend all day feeding peanuts to the elephants at the L.A. Zoo and they'll leave you for the guy with cashews.

Prince Andrew chided the White House for ignoring Britain's advice on post-war Iraq from centuries of colonial experience. It was no use. This is a president who believes that until night baseball came along, the sun never set on the British umpire.

Dick Cheney was applauded Thursday by the Conservative Political Action Conference in Washington. He exaggerated Iraq's threat in order to push America into an unnecessary war. He was hired by the conference to narrate his slide show called America's Viking Past.

Rush Limbaugh tore into John McCain on the air Wednesday, insisting he can't be the GOP nominee. If conservatives could, they would nominate a cardboard cut-out of Ronald Reagan. They've simply got too much pride to reverse their position on cloning.

Mike Huckabee quoted the Bible Wednesday as he discussed his primary wins. Many people feel there's too much religion in politics now. Voters are tired of news commentators shouting hallelujah whenever they mention Barack Obama's name on the air.

Hillary Clinton admitted Wednesday she had to loan her campaign five million dollars of her own money to make up for a sudden fundraising shortfall. The public lapped it up. Hillary hasn't even been elected yet and already the Clintons are leaping from ice floe to ice floe as the river current takes them toward Niagara Falls.

Saudi Arabia arrested a U.S businesswoman Tuesday for sitting at a Starbucks in Riyadh with a man. It's terrible. She was strip-searched, threatened, bruised and forced to sign a false confession, and that was after they turned her over to the CIA.

National Intelligence Director Mike McConnell tried Wednesday to reshape his opposition to waterboarding. It's a no-win deal. Nazi Germany's chief interrogator once said he got more information out of prisoners by playing gin rummy with them, but by the time you teach a terrorist how to play gin rummy, the world could blow up.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-7-08

OKLAHOMA CITY--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Senator Arlen Specter will investigate if the New England Patriots illegally taped St. Louis practices before a Super Bowl six years ago. It's huge. Dick Cheney is thanking his lucky stars he only cheated to take the country to war and not to win a football game.

The University of Verona in Italy released a study on Monday saying high-heeled shoes strengthen women's leg muscles, which can lead to better sex lives. It can also lead to problems. A lot of women fall and break something and that's just from the free drinks.

Roger Clemens was deposed Tuesday on Capitol Hill, where Congress forced him to deny under oath that he ever used performance-enhancing drugs. Talk about hypocrisy. This is the same Congress that approved Viagra six months before it was even tested on white rats.

Mississippi lawmaker John Read proposed a bill to ban restaurants from serving food to obese customers. That's an infringement on Southern liberties. Next thing you know he will be demanding that they lower the McDonald's flag at the state capitol.

Super Tuesday fractured Republican Party presidential hopes after Mike Huckabee and Mitt Romney and John McCain split the vote. Conservatives don't know where to turn. There's a movement to recruit Jeb Bush, but the name recognition would kill him.

Mike Huckabee won in West Virginia, Alabama, Arkansas, Tennessee and Georgia plus strong finishes in Oklahoma and Missouri Tuesday. He's a Southern Baptist minister. Mike Huckabee's held more people under water than the CIA and the East Germans put together.

Republican Party candidate Ron Paul got only five percent of the votes Tuesday for his message of less government, lower taxes, and following the Constitution. The American people have spoken. Five percent of the voters are for freedom, and ninety-five percent are for free stuff.

John Cougar Mellencamp asked John McCain to stop using his song Our Country at rallies. It asks the government to help the poor. He's just using John Mellencamp's music until Toby Keith records a song promising to stay in Iraq for one hundred years.

Hillary Clinton hung tough in the Democratic primaries Tuesday despite a media lovefest for Barack Obama. It got silly. The press placed such a halo around Barack Obama's head that President Bush put him on speed-dial between Jesus and King Abdullah.

Barack Obama stunned pollsters Tuesday by getting half the white voters in the Georgia Democratic primary. They'd rather vote for a black guy who declared his candidacy in Abe Lincoln's hometown than for Mrs. Bill Clinton. To people who remember the Civil War as if it were yesterday, oral sex is not adultery was just this morning.

Super Tuesday brought out a big turnout in states with a high number of Latino voters. They voted their interests. It was a stroke of genius when Hillary Clinton changed her name to Amnesty Winehouse just before the California polls opened Tuesday.

President Bush insisted Tuesday on protecting phone companies from lawsuits for spying on Americans. It made page ten. President Bush should call Britney Spears' guardian and ask if he can borrow her publicist while she's learning to sew moccasins.

Coach Bobby Knight retired Monday after forty-two seasons and nine hundred and two wins. Reaction differed. Sportswriters ripped Bobby Knight, coaches praised Bobby Knight and Homeland Security reduced the threat level from Code Orange to Code Yellow.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-6-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick walked off the field with two seconds left in the Super Bowl on Sunday with his team about to lose. It looked extremely unsportsmanlike. Even Richard Nixon waved good-bye before he got inside the helicopter.

The Super Bowl attracted ninety-eight million TV viewers Sunday. Only the opening night of the bombing of Baghdad in the Persian Gulf War drew more viewers to a live event. A brain scan couldn't give you a better look at the mind of the American voter.

Senator Arlen Specter publicly asked NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell Sunday why he let New England off the hook so easily for video spying on other teams. Mr. Goodell said he saw no further wrongdoing in the tapes. Once a year pro sports commissioners have to appear to be blind or they lose their right to park in the handicapped spots.

Bill Clinton flew to Santa Fe Sunday to watch the Super Bowl with New Mexico's governor Bill Richardson. He went there for a very specific reason. You can't be president for eight years without finding out which state makes the best guacamole.

The Interior Department accused U.S. Park Police of lax security at U.S. monuments, including the Statue of Liberty and the Lincoln Memorial. It's not all bad news. After seven years of President Bush, we know nothing's going to happen to Mt. Rushmore.

President Bush on Monday became the first president to post his federal budget online and not print the four thousand page document on paper. That's surprising. The motto beneath the Bush family crest is, the fewer the trees the wider the fairways.

The Los Angeles Times reported on the Iron Man fad among Baby Boomers on Monday. The generation that snorted its way through the Disco Era is now doing triathlons. If we don't stop looking so healthy and fit we may get a second chance at evading the draft.

New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg began a major effort Monday to get on the ballot as a third-party presidential candidate nationwide. He's a very serious candidate. Mike Bloomberg believes you should start every day with a smile and get it over with.

Britney Spears was ordered to remain in UCLA Medical Center's psychiatric unit for two weeks Monday. She faces a strict regimen after that. Her doctor said she must avoid excitement for awhile, so she is going to work for the Mitt Romney campaign.

Mitt Romney campaigned in California to cheering crowds on Monday. He declared he's the candidate for the American dream. The American dream is that if you go to work early and work late each night and pay your taxes you'll get ahead, if you strike oil.

Hillary Clinton was at Yale Monday to reunite with an old legal colleague from her days as a child advocate. She got emotional. It's been so long since she's been face-to-face with a former law partner without a glass partition and a guard watching.

Ethel Kennedy endorsed Barack Obama Monday, following Patrick Kennedy and Teddy and Caroline into Barack Obama's camp. The liberal wing says they want to keep hope alive and Republicans can't answer. They have enough trouble keeping Dick Cheney alive.

Russia's envoy to NATO warned Poland's government Sunday not to let the United States build a missile defense system on its soil. Missiles are a serious threat to Poland. With gasoline at three dollars per gallon, only Californians are driving tanks.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-5-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Eli Manning led New York to Super Bowl victory Sunday a year after his brother Peyton Manning won the Super Bowl for Indianapolis. The money is going to roll in now. By next week Archie Manning will be commanding higher stud fees than Secretariat.

GOP Senator Arlen Specter confronted NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell Sunday for protecting the Patriots. He destroyed tapes of the team spying on opponents. Roger Goodell's picture is on the box of two football video games, All Madden and All Nixon.

The New York Giants defeated New England in a historic upset in the Super Bowl Sunday. It was a week of upsets. Three days earlier, Los Angeles County paramedics defeated Britney Spears, which ended her hopes of going the entire season undiagnosed.

Entertainment Tonight opted Thursday not to air video of the late Heath Ledger partying in West Hollywood. It showed him snorting cocaine with a bunch of other celebrities. It was the background video for the show's opening credits for two years.

Groundhog Day drew thousands to the celebration's headquarters in Pennsylvania Saturday. It looks bad. Punxsutawney Phil came out and saw that he's got six weeks to get out of his tree before the bank takes back the property and padlocks the hole.

The Mormon Church's president Gordon Hinckley died in Utah last week at age ninety-seven. He witnessed a tremendous amount of change during his lifetime. The first time Gordon Hinckley visited Utah's Dinosaur National Monument it was a zoo.

The Berkeley City Council in California voted last week to tell the U.S. Marine recruiting office to leave town. This was inevitable. The war in Iraq has deployed all available U.S. soldiers to the Middle East, leaving Berkeley dangerously unopposed.

Super Tuesday could decide the presidential nominees in primaries across America today. The field is shrinking. Last week Rudy Giuliani dropped out of the race and endorsed John McCain and John Edwards dropped out and endorsed Vidal Sassoon.

Bill Clinton told black church crowds in Los Angeles Sunday he's been told by pollsters that everyone is voting by race and gender this year, so he understands if they don't vote for Hillary Tuesday. What could he say? He wanted to tell them that they will never work in show business again but with the writers' strike, nobody will.

President Bush said Sunday he wants to hire another thousand diplomats to work in the State Department. With one year left in office he's suddenly interested in diplomacy to solve international problems. This is known as a deathbed conversion.

President Bush told Fox News that his legacy will be that he began a war which lasts for two generations. This is what happens when everyone's under pressure. The Fox News staff didn't have time to take Barack Obama's speech out of the TelePrompTer.

Iraq passed a law with U.S. approval Sunday letting Saddam Hussein's top officials back in power in Baghdad. It's a clever move. The thinking is, if we can put Iraq back the way it was, we can tiptoe out of there before anybody knows we've been there.

The Gallup Poll says forty percent of Americans are worried about having Bill Clinton back in the White House. That should improve as voters think it through. Americans are so sick and tired of one catastrophic foreign policy mistake after another that inappropriate sexual conduct will be welcomed back like Charles Lindbergh.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-4-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

The Super Bowl drew a hundred million viewers for the Fox Network Sunday. Some people think the ads were the best part. The commercials were so clever and funny that a beer is the leading presidential candidate in the California polls today.

John McCain aired new ads touting his national security platform Friday. While others talk about the U.S. economy, he's running ads promising to continue the war. Nothing's scarier than a seventy-two-year-old man who's willing to die for his country.

Barack Obama hinted Friday that illegal immigrant opponents are racists, saying no one's concerned about immigrants from Ireland. That's not true. Hillary Clinton is very concerned about immigrants from Ireland ever since the Kennedys endorsed Obama.

Britney Spears was committed involuntarily to the mental ward at UCLA Hospital by her family and psychiatrist Thursday. It fooled no one in Hollywood. One week from now, she will be back out on the Sunset Strip with bigger breasts and a new nose.

Wesley Snipes was found guilty of three misdemeanor charges of failure to file three federal tax returns Friday. However, he was found not guilty of felony charges of defrauding the government. It was really smart of him to hire Halliburton's lawyers.

Liverpool celebrated the grand opening of the Hard Days Night Hotel Friday. It was built by the club owner who gave the group their first gig fifty years ago. The man turned down ten million dollars from Paul McCartney to say it was forty years ago.

West Virginia lawmakers introduced a bill Friday to teach shooting and hunting etiquette in high school physical education classes. It's a huge change. For years West Virginia schools have taught hunting and shooting in Marriage and Family classes.

San Francisco residents endured a three million gallon raw sewage spill in San Francisco Bay on Friday which fouled the air, poisoned the water and endangered wildlife. It's obvious what happened. The captain of the Exxon Valdez is a plumber now.

Exxon Mobil posted the largest quarterly and annual profit of any industry in U.S. history Friday. The numbers are astounding. No one wants to say oil profits are obscene, but this month's centerfold in Playboy is the Texas congressional delegation.

California was the scene of frantic presidential campaigning Friday. There are more people in Los Angeles County than the entire state of Michigan. Thank goodness they don't need their sidewalks shoveled or the candidates might not make it out alive.

Oprah Winfrey went onstage for Barack Obama in Los Angeles on Sunday. She has to change her act from her Chicago routine. If she waved a set of Pontiac keys at a Los Angeles crowd, people would hold up a cross at her to ward off the American car.

Hillary Clinton debated Barack Obama at the Kodak Theater in Hollywood Thursday. During the last debate they bickered and fought but this time they smiled and praised each other. The audience at the debate would have known that make-up sex is the best, if everyone in Hollywood didn't move on as soon as the waiter put the check on the table.

Bill Clinton attacked Ted Kennedy for endorsing President Bush's No Child Left Behind after Teddy attacked Bill Clinton for being divisive. They used to have so much in common. No one's seen two dogs fight like this since Michael Vick was locked up.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-3-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Britney Spears was termed mentally unstable by UCLA Hospital Friday. She's the one who said five years ago we should listen to President Bush and do what he says. If we didn't lock her up for that, why are we bothering her about disorderly conduct?

Teddy Kennedy began campaigning for Barack Obama on Tuesday after he abandoned Hillary Clinton's candidacy to endorse her presidential rival. No one was all that surprised. This isn't the first time that Teddy Kennedy told a blonde to sink or swim.

Kentucky Fried Chicken offered a quarter million dollars to charity if players do a chicken dance after a Super Bowl touchdown today. It mustn't happen. Every time someone dances in front of a football player, somebody either gets shot or overtipped.

Fox Network will charge three million dollars for half-minute ads in the Super Bowl. No political ads are allowed. The National Football League doesn't allow issue ads during the Super Bowl, unless the issue is whether or not cleavage sells beer.

The New England Patriots try to make history against the New York Giants today in the Super Bowl. The entire nation will be sitting on the edge of its seats. The Patriots are undefeated, if you don't count Iraq, Afghanistan and the Mexican border.

Tom Brady showed up for the Super Bowl with a gorgeous supermodel Friday. Last year he got another supermodel pregnant. Caroline Kennedy announced she's never before seen a quarterback who inspired her the way people say her father inspired them.

The Arizona Republic said one thousand female escorts came to Phoenix for Super Bowl week. It's a custom that will die out soon. The only guys who can afford Super Bowl tickets are rich old men who don't know how to have cyber-sex on their Blackberrys.

Blue Star Jets said Friday it chartered two hundred flights from New York City to Phoenix for Super Bowl fans last week. The fans would rather pay sixty thousand dollars than fly commercial. The reason guys accumulate that much money is to make up for what those new X-ray machines at Sky Harbor Airport will see through their clothes.

Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama had a debate on Thursday at the Kodak Theater in Los Angeles. It got too technical. If they had spent another five minutes talking about mandates, the audience would have paired off and gone dancing in West Hollywood.

Tiger Woods will tee it up today in the final round of the Dubai Open, which is sponsored by the sheik of the United Arab Emirates. The game is right at home in the Middle East. Golf is like the Old Testament God, there are lots of rules and no mercy.

Jesse Jackson slammed Major League Baseball Thursday for sending investigators to see if umpires belong to the Ku Klux Klan. He's outraged. He's fought the Klan and all it stands for his entire life, but he would never suspect them of being umpires.

The National Archives said Thursday it's forwarding Hillary Clinton's daily schedules as first lady to former President Clinton for his review. After he looks them over they will be sent to the White House for President Bush's review. If Saddam Hussein could have stalled this well, he would still be the president of Iraq.

Saddam Hussein's FBI interrogator George Piro was interviewed last week on CBS' 60 Minutes. The dictator ruled by a philosophy that was simple, but it worked for him. Saddam Hussein believed that if you teach a man to build a fire, he will be warm all night, but if you set a man on fire, he will be warm for the rest of his life.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-1-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Tom Brady addressed thousands of reporters on Super Bowl media day while standing on a goal post. He's set to make sports history. At the rate Tom Brady is going through supermodels, he could become the first football player ever buried at Churchill Downs.

Tom Cruise was allowed to buy a limited-edition Ducati Desmosedici motorcycle just made by engineers in Italy. It's a shrewd career move. Dying in a fiery crash is what you have to do for attention in Hollywood when you don't have a drug problem.

Major League umpires complained Wednesday that league investigators are asking their neighbors if they belong to the Ku Klux Klan. Now, wait a minute. The Atlanta Braves just lost the division title for the first time in sixteen years, it seems a little late to ask a question like that.

The Herbal Nutrition Center in Los Angeles unveiled the world's first marijuana vending machine Tuesday, which dispenses pot in an envelope after scanning the customer's fingerprints and ID card. It's controversial. This clearly discriminates against illegal immigrants in Los Angeles public schools.

Miss Michigan won the Miss America pageant in Las Vegas on Saturday. It aired on The Learning Channel. The pageant was kicked off the country music channel last year for asking each contestant what she would do to further the cause of world peace.

John Edwards withdrew from the Democratic presidential race Wednesday. He miscalculated when he vowed to be the candidate for the little people. Next time he's going to be the candidate for the people who are tall enough to reach the voting levers.

The New York Post stunned its conservative readers Thursday by endorsing Barack Obama. The newspaper has a vested interest. They probably think a black Democratic nominee is a sure way to get John McCain elected president, and wars sell newspapers.

The Republican party held a debate in California Wednesday between John McCain, Mitt Romney, Mike Huckabee and Ron Paul. There were hundreds of cameras. Whenever there are enough Republicans in California to form a bridge game, it's big news.

John McCain spoke in Los Angeles Thursday where he polls well among independent young voters. He actually shares some of their experiences. John McCain is so old that when he was a young man, Coca-Cola still had cocaine in the formula.

Rudy Giuliani withdrew from the GOP presidential race Wednesday and no one can explain his lack of Republican support. It couldn't be his Catholicism. With a trophy wife, gay friends, a pro-choice stance and warlike nature, he's an Episcopalian in all but name.

Hillary Clinton was campaigning in a Little Rock diner Wednesday and then a sudden distraction stole her thunder. She was shaking hands with everybody in the restaurant when she was upstaged by a black Elvis impersonator. Everyone had the same reaction: Not again!

Bill Clinton gave a rousing speech for his wife Wednesday at the University of Oklahoma before seven thousand cheering students who turned out to see him. They love him in Norman. It's the one campus that still holds panty raids on Presidents Day.

President Bush said Monday he'll hold a North American economic summit with Canada and Mexico this April in New Orleans. It's the ideal locale. New Orleans is the one city that can hold a looting seminar for free traders and teach them a few new wrinkles.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio